Being Productive, Studying Medicine, Goddess Dedication, and BTS New Album!

I don’t really think I have much drive to continue this blog anymore. But I will anyway as it’s years old and has recorded my entire life story. Even if I don’t update anymore as frequently, I will keep this blog up and running.

To be honest, a lot has changed with me. I am not like I used to be. I used to think a lot, and write all my thoughts down as a way to expel them from my mind. The intellectual part of me hasn’t changed at all but the way I’m dealing with it has matured (in my opinion). I am trying to be more active and productive with my curious mind and make some good of the world. I know what I have to offer is probably not a lot, but I finally feel like when I die, no matter if there is an afterlife or not, I can die in peace knowing I lived to my absolute fullest, that I loved to my fullest, that I fought my battles with mental and physical health bravely without fail.

I have lately developed an incredible strength inside myself that seems to come out of nowhere. Not in terms of I no longer get anxious or no longer have obsessive compulsive thoughts, or no longer get hallucinations or even depression. But rather, I seem to be able to just take all these things as they come and not even bother me. I can get depressed and be totally optimistic and positive at the exact the same time. What has happened? I can think of killing myself and in the same thought I can then pick up my sword and kill the thought that’s telling me to kill myself, and then get on with my day. What gives? It’s really amazing. I just have this endurance and will to live stronger than ever. Death is just totally an alien concept to me and everything I fight for is life itself. Not just for my own life, but the thought that I can help others lives.

What has changed? Not much actually, but I am still staying true in my devotion to Diana, and I think this is my reward. Maybe she is just a psychological archetype I am identifying with on some level, identifying with the empowered feminine archetype, who is totally secure in my own existence, but maybe too it is something more and I have finally found my path in life. A path of compassion and healing and progression. For the first time ever I feel like my reason for living isn’t derived from any fear of death or from any hopeful ideas of the afterlife, but instead my reason is coming from inside myself and from my own confidence in my own existence. Isn’t it weird?

I am absolutely dedicated to this path that is opening to me. I am dedicated to connecting with my Goddess, to going down the path of herbal medicine, and of just being alive and being happy. I am dedicated as always to self-improvement and I am absolutely thriving lately. I feel wonderful, on top of the world. I have a strength which feels like nothing can shake. Is it my spiritual devotion or is it just part of my nature that has been denied until now? Although my physical health is very bad, I actually feel more freedom than I ever have done in my entire life. It’s like I’m flying through life, just as I’m flying in my dreams through the sky higher and higher and absolutely having a wild time.

I have been through absolute hell in my life, but I let it all go into the past, and now I am just whole heartedly embracing my life, and love, and Goddess. I am seriously in such an amazing place. A place I never knew existed, and I wish for everyone to feel like this. My happiness is not fake, it’s not put on, it’s not self-deluding. It’s real, and it’s guiding me through my individual walk, like a magical angel holding my hand and leading me through the darkness, nudging me to keep going. Is this really all my doing? Is this the doing of my new spiritual affection? As long as I live I will likely never know. But I am committed to seeing both through.

My relationship with my boyfriend is still going very strong, stronger than ever, my mum just got remarried to a wonderful man, I am studying again (from home) and focusing all my passion onto a course that absolutely invigorates me. I may not have my own herbal business, but I will one day cure people from their sicknesses, as medicine has turned my own life around. I am determined to be learned in the art of curing others from a completely holistic approach, so that I can make the world a better place.

Also, BTS have just today released their new single and mini album! What is better than that! I have such great reasons to be loving life. Next year I will go to South Korea with my boyfriend and see them in concert. There is so much to be looking forward to.

I may not have completely reconciled yet the horrors I went through between 2015 to 2016, but I do know that right now I am doing better than I have ever done throughout my whole life, and shit is good. I can’t really add anymore to that!

 

Studies in Spanish & Herbalism, Christ Sutras & Gnostic Jesus, and Dianic Wicca

I am not quite sure what I wrote in my last post, but probably a lot has passed since then as it seems like a long time since I last updated.

Lately I have not written much about my spiritual path and I have to admit I was worried for a moment that my mum had found this blog and was reading it, but the worry has passed for now. I’ve just been reaching out and trying to connect the dots together in my immense journey, and I have a little success. But I will write about that later.

First I want to touch on my new studies I have started. I am not sure if I already wrote about the Advanced Spanish course from Rosetta Stone I have taken up, but I have done that and have started watching most TV Series on Netflix with Spanish dub for the reason that it’s a skill that could be utilised in employment one day if I ever need it.

However, since reading a book on epigenetics and realising that I will probably never be well enough to be a properly certified medical doctor, I have decided to take the route of starting my own business selling my own herbal cosmetics and toiletries. However first is the issue of knowing how exactly to use the herbs. So I decided to sign up to a Herbalism course, which I have just started.

In part my decision was fuelled by my recent spiritual searching also. The truth is, atheism made a lot of sense to me, but I never felt spiritually fulfilled inside myself. I tried connecting to the images of Shiva and Durga first (even if they are just imagined), and Durga definitely had a positive impact on me, especially after reading the Devi Mahatyam where she slays demons all the other gods could not. She was both a mother and protective archetype to me.

But it still wasn’t enough. I may continue with Durga gently but she was not the deity for me. The thing is I had really lost belief in the idea of an Ultimate God or Being or Source or whatever. My life and experiences have shown me one doesn’t really exist. But the gods? Polytheism makes much more sense, both from a Jungian approach and a theistic approach.

The truth is I don’t know what I am anymore. Agnostic perhaps. But in the book I read on epigenetics studies revealed that even the belief in a higher divine being that you can connect with positively changes the expression of your genes. So clearly it is somewhat necessary, until science advanced further.

So I searched, and I prayed, and I prayed to so many deities. I heard no response from any of them. It reinforced my atheistic stance. But still I continued, wanting to feel a spiritual connection, to something, anything. And one day I found myself walking through nature, feeling very connected and inspired to try praying to the Roman Goddess Diana.

It was more out of desperation than anything, but when I prayed there was no doubt she visited me. Now, like my other psychotic hallucinations, who knows whether she is really real, or just some kind of projected mental image that was able to manifest due to right timing and circumstances? Who knows? Who knows indeed. But straight after praying she visited me, and pulled me into a vision of her and me in a forest, and she blessed me, and said she would be my Matron deity if I dedicated myself to her on a full moon.

Interestingly enough it was a full moon in the few days that followed, and I thought about it carefully. Devoting yourself to a deity is no small matter. After all I did that with Jesus and look at him still hanging around, despite the fact I had probably rejected him more times than one blinks in a minute. Yes, he’s still keeping an eye on me, even if I want nothing to do with him since he promised to  ‘heal’ me and never did.

But I’ve gotten over my misgivings. Of course if you see a deity as the Ultimate then why can’t they heal me? But if you just see them as any other being, perhaps divine yes but imperfect and restricted in their power. So perhaps Jesus as a healing archetype just wants me to figure out how to heal myself, properly? I’m okay with that. But it doesn’t mean I believe he is the only god anymore, or any more superior to other gods.

Yes, I have come full circle in my beliefs, and surely my family would be greatly disappointed in me after everything I went through. But I learned from my mistakes, and will not be repeating the things that caused me to go psychotic in the first place and ‘possessed’ by demons. I am on a new path now.

And so I was interested in Diana’s offer, if weary, because I had been searching for a new path and means of spiritual fulfilment. But then I suddenly had the realisation that the Goddess website I created for myself with an entirely new name for her was actually a shortened version of one of Diana’s epithets. Diana Caelistis. I could not believe it.

It seemed too coincidental and so that made my mind up. I said a prayer on the night of the full moon and dedicated myself to her. And honestly, since I’ve done that I’ve felt so spiritually satisfied inside myself. Is she real? Who knows. But will this path have positive benefits for my mind and health? That’s the idea.

Then there’s Jesus. He’s still hanging around, and I have still been praying to him. But I’ve been very frustrated for a very long time that the bible doesn’t properly describe his person. I feel all the editions of the four gospels for political reasons has distorted his true message. And so I was feeling at a loss as to how on earth I was supposed to know him when his history is so hidden among other agendas.

So, I prayed, that he would lead me across some kind of source showing his true personality, his true history. And I was not disappointed. So still he is with me, wanting me to know him, as he truly is, which too I cannot be anything but thankful for. And that night I prayed I came across a book called Christ Sutras, which were all the words of Jesus from ALL sources (gospels and apocrypha alike) arranged into sermons. And what a book it is.

I have never come across anything so incredible in my life. Hundreds of pages dedicated solely to the words of Jesus alone. His own words, his own sayings, his own teachings. NOT what the church made up about him for their own benefit. And a whole new picture of Christianity, the true and original Christianity comes out.

It’s been said the truer form of Christianity was Gnosticism. I did not believe it after reading the Nag Hammadi, as the mythology is totally bizarre and surely as fabled as the bible and new testament itself. However, the Christ Sutras treats these accounts the same way as the new testament. It only records Jesus’ actual sayings. And when you read through it and add it all up together, Jesus was definitely, definitely Gnostic.

Not because he believed in any strange stories of the demiurge and fallen aeons and such. But because he was enlightened, and knew the unknowable. Imagine a philosophy similar to Buddhism mixed with Jewish theology, and then you have an accurate picture of what the true Jesus was like. He was so unique as a man, as a messenger, and perhaps even as a divine being.

But that’s not the end of the story. I continued going back in time with my research until I reached the sect of the Essenes, a sect that existed alongside the Pharisees and Sadducees and a sect that Jesus was most likely a part of it. The Essenes could be said to have been ‘Gnostic Jews’, with a very big emphasis on a messiah, the apocalypse, asceticism, and good works. And as the Dead Sea Scrolls have been uncovered, we now have the historical evidence to show that Jesus was greatly influenced by the Essenes, and perhaps was even an Essene himself along with John the Baptist.

So when history is reconstructed chronologically everything starts to make sense. Jesus was an Essene and a Gnostic Jew whose teachings eventually became Christianity. He has left a massive legacy, but unfortunately many do not know the truth of his being. But I feel satiated and feel like for the first time in my life, I truly know him, and truly respect him.

And so, if he wants to guide me, then why shouldn’t I let him? I will not be a Christian that most associate with the word today, but I will be a true follower of the true Jesus. And I am happy with that.

So in conjunction with having that massive revelation I have also become a sister of Diana, which is a very exciting journey indeed. Diana is usually associated with magic but for me that’s not the focus. For me the focus is the connection explored through ritual devotion. And for the first time in a long time I feel content and at peace inside myself.