I don’t really think I have much drive to continue this blog anymore. But I will anyway as it’s years old and has recorded my entire life story. Even if I don’t update anymore as frequently, I will keep this blog up and running.
To be honest, a lot has changed with me. I am not like I used to be. I used to think a lot, and write all my thoughts down as a way to expel them from my mind. The intellectual part of me hasn’t changed at all but the way I’m dealing with it has matured (in my opinion). I am trying to be more active and productive with my curious mind and make some good of the world. I know what I have to offer is probably not a lot, but I finally feel like when I die, no matter if there is an afterlife or not, I can die in peace knowing I lived to my absolute fullest, that I loved to my fullest, that I fought my battles with mental and physical health bravely without fail.
I have lately developed an incredible strength inside myself that seems to come out of nowhere. Not in terms of I no longer get anxious or no longer have obsessive compulsive thoughts, or no longer get hallucinations or even depression. But rather, I seem to be able to just take all these things as they come and not even bother me. I can get depressed and be totally optimistic and positive at the exact the same time. What has happened? I can think of killing myself and in the same thought I can then pick up my sword and kill the thought that’s telling me to kill myself, and then get on with my day. What gives? It’s really amazing. I just have this endurance and will to live stronger than ever. Death is just totally an alien concept to me and everything I fight for is life itself. Not just for my own life, but the thought that I can help others lives.
What has changed? Not much actually, but I am still staying true in my devotion to Diana, and I think this is my reward. Maybe she is just a psychological archetype I am identifying with on some level, identifying with the empowered feminine archetype, who is totally secure in my own existence, but maybe too it is something more and I have finally found my path in life. A path of compassion and healing and progression. For the first time ever I feel like my reason for living isn’t derived from any fear of death or from any hopeful ideas of the afterlife, but instead my reason is coming from inside myself and from my own confidence in my own existence. Isn’t it weird?
I am absolutely dedicated to this path that is opening to me. I am dedicated to connecting with my Goddess, to going down the path of herbal medicine, and of just being alive and being happy. I am dedicated as always to self-improvement and I am absolutely thriving lately. I feel wonderful, on top of the world. I have a strength which feels like nothing can shake. Is it my spiritual devotion or is it just part of my nature that has been denied until now? Although my physical health is very bad, I actually feel more freedom than I ever have done in my entire life. It’s like I’m flying through life, just as I’m flying in my dreams through the sky higher and higher and absolutely having a wild time.
I have been through absolute hell in my life, but I let it all go into the past, and now I am just whole heartedly embracing my life, and love, and Goddess. I am seriously in such an amazing place. A place I never knew existed, and I wish for everyone to feel like this. My happiness is not fake, it’s not put on, it’s not self-deluding. It’s real, and it’s guiding me through my individual walk, like a magical angel holding my hand and leading me through the darkness, nudging me to keep going. Is this really all my doing? Is this the doing of my new spiritual affection? As long as I live I will likely never know. But I am committed to seeing both through.
My relationship with my boyfriend is still going very strong, stronger than ever, my mum just got remarried to a wonderful man, I am studying again (from home) and focusing all my passion onto a course that absolutely invigorates me. I may not have my own herbal business, but I will one day cure people from their sicknesses, as medicine has turned my own life around. I am determined to be learned in the art of curing others from a completely holistic approach, so that I can make the world a better place.
Also, BTS have just today released their new single and mini album! What is better than that! I have such great reasons to be loving life. Next year I will go to South Korea with my boyfriend and see them in concert. There is so much to be looking forward to.
I may not have completely reconciled yet the horrors I went through between 2015 to 2016, but I do know that right now I am doing better than I have ever done throughout my whole life, and shit is good. I can’t really add anymore to that!