Winter is Here, The Triple P, NHS Apprenticeship, & Narcolepsy Tests

Well, I’m back! It’s November and a couple of months have passed since I last posted. The winter is arriving full force, the temperature is down to one degree Celsius in the morning, and the cold loving plants that usually bloom in early spring are starting to bloom for the second time this year before their last pre-spring dormancy period.

Everything is beautiful at this time of year, and this time of year in England has always been my favourite. The air is fresh and crisp, the skies are clear and bright, the sun is shining brilliantly and everything seems so much more vibrant, even with the deciduous trees losing their leaves and becoming barren. It’s a wonderful reminder how even though death is part of the cycle of life, there is still always life, and death can ultimately be transcended as nothing more than a beautiful transition between one state of matter to another.

I’ve become very in tune with nature and her seasons since studying herbalism. I feel like I know our mother earth much more deeply than I ever thought was possible. It has revealed many things to me, and I feel much more content and secure than ever. Who knew that there were flowers that liked blossoming in winter? I certainly didn’t! But now I do, and I’m excited and just in awe at how beautiful everything is at this time of year. For the first time winter isn’t the end of summer for me: Instead winter is the beginning of wonderful new life. Death is not an end, it’s merely a beginning.

As you can probably tell, my positivity from my last post is still in full force. It has actually just become such a large part of me now, a staple within my personality that I never knew I needed. I am happy and content inside, and find it enjoyable and easy to feel vibrant and alive, to look to hope and love, to fight and be strong.

My journey with agnostic paganism is still a part of that. Diana is good to me and brings me a lot of internal strength. She stays by my side supporting me, loving me, and gently guiding me. But when it comes to spiritual protection from my ‘demons’ her approach is more one of internal change than eradication of what ails me. She will not do my work for me, which is a good thing. At the same time however sometimes I just need that help during particularly bad episodes, and I have found myself turning back to Durga again.

I don’t think either Diana or Durga mind if I work with both of them. Diana knows sometimes I need my attacks to be slayed, but she also knows that ultimately I need to build that own strength up inside me so I can be strong enough to ward them off on my own. And Durga doesn’t seem to mind that I’m an English girl dedicated to a Roman Goddess who is invoking an Indian deity from a religion I don’t share theology with (any longer). Interesting though how Shiva was my main deity role model for ages before my interest in paganism and he is the husband of Durga.

Anyway, so I am still going strong with Diana and reaching out a little bit and exploring the pagan world as it applies to me at the moment. I still don’t know if I believe the gods are real, sometimes I think they are, other times I think I’m just hallucinating. Sometimes I think they are probably just advanced extraterrestrials communicating with us through some kind of quantum telepathy. Who knows. The theology itself isn’t too important to me these days. It’s more about what makes me feel good, because what makes me feel good improves my quality of life regardless of what it is (as long as it’s ethical) and should be pursued. But that’s my apparent Utilitarianism talking.

And Paganism does make me feel good, it makes me feel connected and grounded, and for some inexplicable reason, centers me into the real me, as if it’s who I’ve always been but never known. I just feel connected both on a spiritual and physical level. I feel connected to my ancestors and my generational line, to my evolutionary history, to the waters of the sea and the dirt of the ground where we all came from. I feel human, I feel part of something bigger than me. I guess I feel a sense of collective consciousness and identity, which isn’t that different to how I felt those few years back when I had my supposed “enlightenment experience”. Except the context is quite different. In that vision I felt connected to the universe on  non-personal level. In this context I feel connected to all living things on a personal level.

Perhaps collective consciousness is just what humans strive for. We are social animals after all, and maybe our end goal is the post-human state of the singularity which has us all as one mind, still individual yet all connected. Even if it’s something we may never achieve, and something that doesn’t really exist anyway (pantheism), I think that perhaps that’s what will always drive us. Connection with others. Or perhaps that’s just what drives me these days. After all I can really only talk for myself, not for others.

A somewhat related but interesting thing that has been on my mind lately is the idea of archetypes. There was a point in my life where I was obsessed with archetypes and believed them to be god-like entities that ruled humanity. For example, the archetype of the Self being the ultimate God-others-connection. But I had always come at archetypes from a monotheistic kind of view. That there’s only one of each archetype, that there’s an ultimate that governs every archetype. How could this be more wrong? Things in nature are never solitary. There’s the archetype of the father but there are also billions of fathers on this planet. Why should it be any different for the gods?

And this gets me onto hard polytheism vs soft polytheism. A lot of soft polytheists will lump a lot of gods together like they are all the same, especially with the Wiccan maiden-mother-crone archetype. For example they will equate Diana as being the same Goddess as Isis, just because they may share a lot of characteristics. But that’s as erroneous as saying I’m the same human being as the girl down the street from me just because we share a lot of things in common. Yes we may share a lot of archetypal imprints in common, but we are two totally different people.

I feel this is where the soft polytheism goes wrong, and why the idea of an ultimate God-archetype cannot exist. Archetypes are archetypes, they are simplified patterns of behaviour, they are abstract and not actually anything real on their own. They cannot be used to equate the gods interchangeably. And the reason I am writing all this is because when I started out on my path of following the Goddess, I did originally believe all goddesses were one Goddess. But now it makes no sense to me. When did anything ever have a single creator? Sophia the world’s first robot to be awarded a Saudi Arabian citizenship was created by a group of scientists, not just one person. And among those group of scientists they were not the only humans existing. There is an entire human population which ultimately through centuries of hard work all contributed to the current knowledge we have to be able to create our own creation – Sophia the robot.

And it’s the same for the gods. They either created us as some advanced species, or they too are a product of evolution and just happened to evolve before us. Who knows the possibilities? But I am trying to understand this from a more practical approach, because let’s face it, when you really get down to it the whole idea of Monotheism doesn’t have any feet to stand on at all. Monotheism is completely against nature, and now maybe it’s only that I’ve been feeling in tune with nature and her seasons that I have come to this realisation. That there is no one ‘Source’, but that in fact each life is perfectly unique in itself.

This brings me onto my last topic I think, which is also only somewhat related, but I have nearly finished the introductory herbalist course I started, and whilst I’m not sure what I want to do between now and when I get better, I do know that once I am perfectly healthy and energetic again my desire is to sign up to the NHS apprenticeship and through their PTP program graduate as a clinical scientist, the benefit being that I can work and study what I desire at the same time. The health sector is definitely for me and it’s taken me all these years to realise that I was a born healer and that I just needed to find my own path to heal others. And mine I think is the scientific route, not the ‘energy’ route, if you know what I mean. No more pranic healing and reiki, but loads more research into human enhancement technology.

I was born both to be a scientist and a healer, it’s just who I’ve always been. So in a sense I guess you can say this post is about how I’ve been finding myself, when I thought I was lost, I found myself again in a place I never expected. I may have been badly fucked up with the psychosis (spiritual crisis?), but it has changed me so much for the better, and I sometimes find myself thankful for all the horror I went through because I would not be this person now. I thought after what I went through I would and could never feel thankful for it, but amazingly I do, and I probably wouldn’t change any of it.

The last thing I will write about is how I am hoping I may have the right treatment soon and be perfectly healthy and energetic again like any average person. I have Narcolepsy and Cataplexy exams coming up next Wednesday, where they will do a lumbar puncture to measure the levels of Orexin in my brain, and also I will sleep over night and they will measure my brain waves to see if they are acting normal between wake-sleep-wake cycles. The doctor told me it does sound like I have narcolepsy with cataplexy and if the diagnosis turns out positive a lot of the suffering I am going through can be near completely eradicated with the medication they have. So I’m very happy and excited about that. I am getting my hopes up but I am also being realistic and realise if the results turn out negative, even then it’s one thing ruled out and I can go onto the next lead. It’s progress either way, so I’m feeling very hopeful.


Being Productive, Studying Medicine, Goddess Dedication, and BTS New Album!

I don’t really think I have much drive to continue this blog anymore. But I will anyway as it’s years old and has recorded my entire life story. Even if I don’t update anymore as frequently, I will keep this blog up and running.

To be honest, a lot has changed with me. I am not like I used to be. I used to think a lot, and write all my thoughts down as a way to expel them from my mind. The intellectual part of me hasn’t changed at all but the way I’m dealing with it has matured (in my opinion). I am trying to be more active and productive with my curious mind and make some good of the world. I know what I have to offer is probably not a lot, but I finally feel like when I die, no matter if there is an afterlife or not, I can die in peace knowing I lived to my absolute fullest, that I loved to my fullest, that I fought my battles with mental and physical health bravely without fail.

I have lately developed an incredible strength inside myself that seems to come out of nowhere. Not in terms of I no longer get anxious or no longer have obsessive compulsive thoughts, or no longer get hallucinations or even depression. But rather, I seem to be able to just take all these things as they come and not even bother me. I can get depressed and be totally optimistic and positive at the exact the same time. What has happened? I can think of killing myself and in the same thought I can then pick up my sword and kill the thought that’s telling me to kill myself, and then get on with my day. What gives? It’s really amazing. I just have this endurance and will to live stronger than ever. Death is just totally an alien concept to me and everything I fight for is life itself. Not just for my own life, but the thought that I can help others lives.

What has changed? Not much actually, but I am still staying true in my devotion to Diana, and I think this is my reward. Maybe she is just a psychological archetype I am identifying with on some level, identifying with the empowered feminine archetype, who is totally secure in my own existence, but maybe too it is something more and I have finally found my path in life. A path of compassion and healing and progression. For the first time ever I feel like my reason for living isn’t derived from any fear of death or from any hopeful ideas of the afterlife, but instead my reason is coming from inside myself and from my own confidence in my own existence. Isn’t it weird?

I am absolutely dedicated to this path that is opening to me. I am dedicated to connecting with my Goddess, to going down the path of herbal medicine, and of just being alive and being happy. I am dedicated as always to self-improvement and I am absolutely thriving lately. I feel wonderful, on top of the world. I have a strength which feels like nothing can shake. Is it my spiritual devotion or is it just part of my nature that has been denied until now? Although my physical health is very bad, I actually feel more freedom than I ever have done in my entire life. It’s like I’m flying through life, just as I’m flying in my dreams through the sky higher and higher and absolutely having a wild time.

I have been through absolute hell in my life, but I let it all go into the past, and now I am just whole heartedly embracing my life, and love, and Goddess. I am seriously in such an amazing place. A place I never knew existed, and I wish for everyone to feel like this. My happiness is not fake, it’s not put on, it’s not self-deluding. It’s real, and it’s guiding me through my individual walk, like a magical angel holding my hand and leading me through the darkness, nudging me to keep going. Is this really all my doing? Is this the doing of my new spiritual affection? As long as I live I will likely never know. But I am committed to seeing both through.

My relationship with my boyfriend is still going very strong, stronger than ever, my mum just got remarried to a wonderful man, I am studying again (from home) and focusing all my passion onto a course that absolutely invigorates me. I may not have my own herbal business, but I will one day cure people from their sicknesses, as medicine has turned my own life around. I am determined to be learned in the art of curing others from a completely holistic approach, so that I can make the world a better place.

Also, BTS have just today released their new single and mini album! What is better than that! I have such great reasons to be loving life. Next year I will go to South Korea with my boyfriend and see them in concert. There is so much to be looking forward to.

I may not have completely reconciled yet the horrors I went through between 2015 to 2016, but I do know that right now I am doing better than I have ever done throughout my whole life, and shit is good. I can’t really add anymore to that!


Studies in Spanish & Herbalism, Christ Sutras & Gnostic Jesus, and Dianic Wicca

I am not quite sure what I wrote in my last post, but probably a lot has passed since then as it seems like a long time since I last updated.

Lately I have not written much about my spiritual path and I have to admit I was worried for a moment that my mum had found this blog and was reading it, but the worry has passed for now. I’ve just been reaching out and trying to connect the dots together in my immense journey, and I have a little success. But I will write about that later.

First I want to touch on my new studies I have started. I am not sure if I already wrote about the Advanced Spanish course from Rosetta Stone I have taken up, but I have done that and have started watching most TV Series on Netflix with Spanish dub for the reason that it’s a skill that could be utilised in employment one day if I ever need it.

However, since reading a book on epigenetics and realising that I will probably never be well enough to be a properly certified medical doctor, I have decided to take the route of starting my own business selling my own herbal cosmetics and toiletries. However first is the issue of knowing how exactly to use the herbs. So I decided to sign up to a Herbalism course, which I have just started.

In part my decision was fuelled by my recent spiritual searching also. The truth is, atheism made a lot of sense to me, but I never felt spiritually fulfilled inside myself. I tried connecting to the images of Shiva and Durga first (even if they are just imagined), and Durga definitely had a positive impact on me, especially after reading the Devi Mahatyam where she slays demons all the other gods could not. She was both a mother and protective archetype to me.

But it still wasn’t enough. I may continue with Durga gently but she was not the deity for me. The thing is I had really lost belief in the idea of an Ultimate God or Being or Source or whatever. My life and experiences have shown me one doesn’t really exist. But the gods? Polytheism makes much more sense, both from a Jungian approach and a theistic approach.

The truth is I don’t know what I am anymore. Agnostic perhaps. But in the book I read on epigenetics studies revealed that even the belief in a higher divine being that you can connect with positively changes the expression of your genes. So clearly it is somewhat necessary, until science advanced further.

So I searched, and I prayed, and I prayed to so many deities. I heard no response from any of them. It reinforced my atheistic stance. But still I continued, wanting to feel a spiritual connection, to something, anything. And one day I found myself walking through nature, feeling very connected and inspired to try praying to the Roman Goddess Diana.

It was more out of desperation than anything, but when I prayed there was no doubt she visited me. Now, like my other psychotic hallucinations, who knows whether she is really real, or just some kind of projected mental image that was able to manifest due to right timing and circumstances? Who knows? Who knows indeed. But straight after praying she visited me, and pulled me into a vision of her and me in a forest, and she blessed me, and said she would be my Matron deity if I dedicated myself to her on a full moon.

Interestingly enough it was a full moon in the few days that followed, and I thought about it carefully. Devoting yourself to a deity is no small matter. After all I did that with Jesus and look at him still hanging around, despite the fact I had probably rejected him more times than one blinks in a minute. Yes, he’s still keeping an eye on me, even if I want nothing to do with him since he promised to  ‘heal’ me and never did.

But I’ve gotten over my misgivings. Of course if you see a deity as the Ultimate then why can’t they heal me? But if you just see them as any other being, perhaps divine yes but imperfect and restricted in their power. So perhaps Jesus as a healing archetype just wants me to figure out how to heal myself, properly? I’m okay with that. But it doesn’t mean I believe he is the only god anymore, or any more superior to other gods.

Yes, I have come full circle in my beliefs, and surely my family would be greatly disappointed in me after everything I went through. But I learned from my mistakes, and will not be repeating the things that caused me to go psychotic in the first place and ‘possessed’ by demons. I am on a new path now.

And so I was interested in Diana’s offer, if weary, because I had been searching for a new path and means of spiritual fulfilment. But then I suddenly had the realisation that the Goddess website I created for myself with an entirely new name for her was actually a shortened version of one of Diana’s epithets. Diana Caelistis. I could not believe it.

It seemed too coincidental and so that made my mind up. I said a prayer on the night of the full moon and dedicated myself to her. And honestly, since I’ve done that I’ve felt so spiritually satisfied inside myself. Is she real? Who knows. But will this path have positive benefits for my mind and health? That’s the idea.

Then there’s Jesus. He’s still hanging around, and I have still been praying to him. But I’ve been very frustrated for a very long time that the bible doesn’t properly describe his person. I feel all the editions of the four gospels for political reasons has distorted his true message. And so I was feeling at a loss as to how on earth I was supposed to know him when his history is so hidden among other agendas.

So, I prayed, that he would lead me across some kind of source showing his true personality, his true history. And I was not disappointed. So still he is with me, wanting me to know him, as he truly is, which too I cannot be anything but thankful for. And that night I prayed I came across a book called Christ Sutras, which were all the words of Jesus from ALL sources (gospels and apocrypha alike) arranged into sermons. And what a book it is.

I have never come across anything so incredible in my life. Hundreds of pages dedicated solely to the words of Jesus alone. His own words, his own sayings, his own teachings. NOT what the church made up about him for their own benefit. And a whole new picture of Christianity, the true and original Christianity comes out.

It’s been said the truer form of Christianity was Gnosticism. I did not believe it after reading the Nag Hammadi, as the mythology is totally bizarre and surely as fabled as the bible and new testament itself. However, the Christ Sutras treats these accounts the same way as the new testament. It only records Jesus’ actual sayings. And when you read through it and add it all up together, Jesus was definitely, definitely Gnostic.

Not because he believed in any strange stories of the demiurge and fallen aeons and such. But because he was enlightened, and knew the unknowable. Imagine a philosophy similar to Buddhism mixed with Jewish theology, and then you have an accurate picture of what the true Jesus was like. He was so unique as a man, as a messenger, and perhaps even as a divine being.

But that’s not the end of the story. I continued going back in time with my research until I reached the sect of the Essenes, a sect that existed alongside the Pharisees and Sadducees and a sect that Jesus was most likely a part of it. The Essenes could be said to have been ‘Gnostic Jews’, with a very big emphasis on a messiah, the apocalypse, asceticism, and good works. And as the Dead Sea Scrolls have been uncovered, we now have the historical evidence to show that Jesus was greatly influenced by the Essenes, and perhaps was even an Essene himself along with John the Baptist.

So when history is reconstructed chronologically everything starts to make sense. Jesus was an Essene and a Gnostic Jew whose teachings eventually became Christianity. He has left a massive legacy, but unfortunately many do not know the truth of his being. But I feel satiated and feel like for the first time in my life, I truly know him, and truly respect him.

And so, if he wants to guide me, then why shouldn’t I let him? I will not be a Christian that most associate with the word today, but I will be a true follower of the true Jesus. And I am happy with that.

So in conjunction with having that massive revelation I have also become a sister of Diana, which is a very exciting journey indeed. Diana is usually associated with magic but for me that’s not the focus. For me the focus is the connection explored through ritual devotion. And for the first time in a long time I feel content and at peace inside myself.