Being Productive, Studying Medicine, Goddess Dedication, and BTS New Album!

My Public Journal

I don’t really think I have much drive to continue this blog anymore. But I will anyway as it’s years old and has recorded my entire life story. Even if I don’t update anymore as frequently, I will keep this blog up and running.

To be honest, a lot has changed with me. I am not like I used to be. I used to think a lot, and write all my thoughts down as a way to expel them from my mind. The intellectual part of me hasn’t changed at all but the way I’m dealing with it has matured (in my opinion). I am trying to be more active and productive with my curious mind and make some good of the world. I know what I have to offer is probably not a lot, but I finally feel like when I die, no matter if there is an afterlife or not, I can die in peace knowing I lived to my absolute fullest, that I loved to my fullest, that I fought my battles with mental and physical health bravely without fail.

I have lately developed an incredible strength inside myself that seems to come out of nowhere. Not in terms of I no longer get anxious or no longer have obsessive compulsive thoughts, or no longer get hallucinations or even depression. But rather, I seem to be able to just take all these things as they come and not even bother me. I can get depressed and be totally optimistic and positive at the exact the same time. What has happened? I can think of killing myself and in the same thought I can then pick up my sword and kill the thought that’s telling me to kill myself, and then get on with my day. What gives? It’s really amazing. I just have this endurance and will to live stronger than ever. Death is just totally an alien concept to me and everything I fight for is life itself. Not just for my own life, but the thought that I can help others lives.

What has changed? Not much actually, but I am still staying true in my devotion to Diana, and I think this is my reward. Maybe she is just a psychological archetype I am identifying with on some level, identifying with the empowered feminine archetype, who is totally secure in my own existence, but maybe too it is something more and I have finally found my path in life. A path of compassion and healing and progression. For the first time ever I feel like my reason for living isn’t derived from any fear of death or from any hopeful ideas of the afterlife, but instead my reason is coming from inside myself and from my own confidence in my own existence. Isn’t it weird?

I am absolutely dedicated to this path that is opening to me. I am dedicated to connecting with my Goddess, to going down the path of herbal medicine, and of just being alive and being happy. I am dedicated as always to self-improvement and I am absolutely thriving lately. I feel wonderful, on top of the world. I have a strength which feels like nothing can shake. Is it my spiritual devotion or is it just part of my nature that has been denied until now? Although my physical health is very bad, I actually feel more freedom than I ever have done in my entire life. It’s like I’m flying through life, just as I’m flying in my dreams through the sky higher and higher and absolutely having a wild time.

I have been through absolute hell in my life, but I let it all go into the past, and now I am just whole heartedly embracing my life, and love, and Goddess. I am seriously in such an amazing place. A place I never knew existed, and I wish for everyone to feel like this. My happiness is not fake, it’s not put on, it’s not self-deluding. It’s real, and it’s guiding me through my individual walk, like a magical angel holding my hand and leading me through the darkness, nudging me to keep going. Is this really all my doing? Is this the doing of my new spiritual affection? As long as I live I will likely never know. But I am committed to seeing both through.

My relationship with my boyfriend is still going very strong, stronger than ever, my mum just got remarried to a wonderful man, I am studying again (from home) and focusing all my passion onto a course that absolutely invigorates me. I may not have my own herbal business, but I will one day cure people from their sicknesses, as medicine has turned my own life around. I am determined to be learned in the art of curing others from a completely holistic approach, so that I can make the world a better place.

Also, BTS have just today released their new single and mini album! What is better than that! I have such great reasons to be loving life. Next year I will go to South Korea with my boyfriend and see them in concert. There is so much to be looking forward to.

I may not have completely reconciled yet the horrors I went through between 2015 to 2016, but I do know that right now I am doing better than I have ever done throughout my whole life, and shit is good. I can’t really add anymore to that!

 

Diagnosis of Potential Myalgic Encaphalomyletis and Emotionally Dealing With It

My Public Journal

So, I had my doctor’s appointment. I asked my doctor about my Vitamin B deficiency and she said that whilst left untreated I could develop anemia, I’m not really deficient enough to be this exhausted and fatigued all the time. In fact she doesn’t think taking the supplements will create a huge difference in how I feel, and thinks that the root cause is something entirely different.

My doctor told me that she originally thought the extreme tiredness was a side effect of the complex post traumatic stress I was under, but now that I am almost pretty much back to normal psychologically she has started looking into other potential causes. She says she still thinks I could either have narcolepsy, but she also asked me if I had considered Myalgic Encaphalomyletis aka ME. I had but not pondered on it much more. But she is referring me to an ME clinic nearby to do more tests on me.

My doctor is amazing honestly but the thought of living with this disease for the rest of my life has really been getting me down. And I know that even if I do have a remission it won’t be forever. So yes I will have good days but I will also be disabled for most of my life. It’s absolutely horrible realising that I will never have a normal life and never get to do what I want, will never have enough energy to go to university, to be a scientist, to even have children. Just looking after my dog is hard work enough. When I got her I was in remission and thought I was getting better. Now I can’t even take her out for walks. It’s awful. I’d been wondering if I made a mistake getting her, but she’s my baby now and can’t imagine life without her.

Anyway, so I’ve just been feeling really emotional lately about all this. I have to admit that sometimes suicidal thoughts flash in front of me at times as I wonder what the point in being alive is, if my entire life is just going to be extremely sub-standard. To be honest I’ve found myself weighing up the pros and cons of offing myself versus just staying alive and barely getting by. But I’m really too much of a coward to do anything about it. I just fantasize sometimes, but usually when I feel really bad I struggle with thoughts of self-harming again. I’ve been four years clean so I try to let that keep me going. Besides it would just be awful if my boyfriend saw any scars and I’d just end up feeling worse, so it’s not worth it.

I am trying to stay unaffected but it’s such a battle when every day you’re fighting with your own body to work properly. And to be honest I blame my mum’s ex-husband the full way. That doesn’t mean I don’t forgive him, because it’s been so long now and I want his mental illness to be cured just as much as I want my own condition to be cured. But it’s a jarring realisation that one person fucked up your life for good. Maybe genetically I am wired to experience post traumatic stress, and wired for stress to trigger ME in me, but at the same time if my mum’s ex husband had not treated me so awfully, I would not have been triggered in the first place and struggling for the rest of my life like this.

I also sometimes think of my ex and whilst I don’t really blame him, since my step-dad caused the main damage, I still do blame him at the same time. If I hadn’t have met him… but it doesn’t matter. I was already on the wrong path. It was all my own fault for becoming psychotic in the first place. It was just his rejection of me that made everything spiral a whole lot worse. I guess I was already depressed and didn’t realise it. Maybe I was always just a ticking bomb waiting to explode. Now I’m just trying to pick up the remaining pieces but too exhausted to have a chance of putting myself back together again.

The worst thing too is people not really realising how sick you are. What I have is essentially an invisible illness so all they see on the outside is that I look fine. I really wished I’d seen a doctor months before it was too late, maybe I would’ve prevented this disease being triggered inside me. But I was deluded and thought I was ‘healing’ myself through spiritual techniques. In fact I now firmly believe that I was messing with my own nervous system through the power of belief/thought without having a clue what I was doing and just unlocked hell on my mind and body.

Well, it was a lesson learned, but unfortunately I will be living with the consequences for the rest of my life, and again I still can’t help but feel resentful towards my mum’s ex-husband. But on a positive note, she is getting married again this year to a really nice man who deserves her, and I am starting to see him as my step-dad now in place of the horrible father figure I had all those years growing up. So that may be healing on the psychological side of things at least.

Another thing is that I was feeling really insecure about my relationship with my boyfriend after realising I may be like this always. It was a difficult conversation for me but I asked if he still sees a future with me despite my condition. It’s fair enough if he didn’t. But he said although he wasn’t thinking about the future he didn’t see why not, and that my illness wouldn’t have sway over him either way. So that set my mind at ease. At the same time I still feel really insecure about the whole idea. About being dependent for the rest of my life, of never having independence, of feeling like a burden to those who love me because they will always have to care for me. I guess again I just don’t see my own worth outside of the illness and let it define me in some way. But I have always been like that. Blame my childhood – growing up surrounded in a haze of pain makes it the norm to identify with the negative in life.

To be honest, I feel like I just need to find a purpose for living. I can’t study and no online college has gotten back to me which is probably just as well since these days I’m so exhausted that even part time study makes me sick. So put human enhancement technological studies on the back burner. I will likely never get to do that. Also since I am pretty much atheist there is no purpose anymore in spirituality for me, and I don’t want to keep clinging onto it as a habitual distraction. I don’t know. Maybe I need to think about it a bit more, but those things are ruled out for sure. So now what? Hopefully I will find something again to light the spark in me again and give me reason and hope to keep living.