Dear GB

It is nearly midnight and I am unable to sleep. And you have crossed my mind again. I find myself talking to you from afar, hoping somehow you’ll hear me, but I doubt it. Then I have this idea to write a cathartic letter. Get out what I’m feeling right now.

Well first off, I want to say sorry for the way things ended. I was cold and blunt and it wasn’t very nice after two years of love shared. I wish I could take back some of my words and express myself more nicely. But I was angry so it’s not too unusual. I just wish I could have a do over. At the very least I wish I could say sorry properly to you, but I can’t because I know if I ever open that line of communication again I will be a wreck hoping for every little sign that will say there is a future for us, when clearly there isn’t. I don’t want to delude myself. I had so much faith in us to the point I thought you would want to work things out. In the end my faith, my vision, my hope was wrong, and I can’t fool myself into believing that will ever be a reality.

How have I been since the breakup? Some good some bad. My recovery is going great, I wish I could share that with you, it would make you happy. I am walking nearly every day and even went swimming the other day. I miss sharing the moments of my life with my best friend. Now I have no friend. I am alone. But I am not letting myself feel lonely. Only in the nights like this when my mind and body are restless and won’t settle and I inevitably find myself almost meditating on your presence again. Weird that.

I cut ties with you but it feels like you’re still here. Will you leave eventually? I hope so, for now this part of the healing is good for me but it would be torturous if your presence lingered continuously. And yet I wonder if it will precisely because of the love we shared… It doesn’t matter that in the end we were apparently wrong for each other does it? The love was real and because of that maybe I will always feel it. And that’s kinda why I just never want to date again.

I freed up my heart from your energy and yet it still feels like you belong here. Maybe I just have more to free up. As long as you’re here how can I love anyone else? Maybe I can’t, and maybe that’s okay. Just don’t love anyone else either okay? Well, that’s a far fetched wish, some romantic bullshit. I’m sure you’ll probably fall in love again someday and be with the woman who really makes you feel like you can overcome your fears of commitment. I’m sorry I’m not that woman. I wish I was, but alas, I’m not.

I always say there is better love out there. And maybe it’s true. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will love me better. But you can never be replaced. Trust me I already tried. Joined all the dating sites, sent out a load of feelers and received a load back myself. I thought I just needed to pick up with my love life where I left off. That maybe I could have my happy ending that I wanted with you all along. That maybe someone would come and fill that void and make me forget. But they can’t, it’s not possible. So I have just accepted you may be here to stay, and that our hearts will always have some space reserved for each other. Right? Who knows.

Ah that phrase you loved so much. So much of my newly forming identity was shaped around you, and I couldn’t have asked for a better role model. The healing your love had on me was profound, especially after the breakup which is weird (I expected I would be traumatised and back to square one, in fact the opposite happened…) so yeah I may be mad on some level about the way things ended and that I don’t feel good enough for you, but that 1% of negativity doesn’t cancel out the other 99% of soul to soul connection we had and the beauty and gentleness shared.

I always loved your gentleness. It was the one thing I first noticed when we first met. Your heart was so gentle. It’s exactly what I needed, and now I am not so angry it is still what gets me through during hard times. I imagine you there saying or doing something that would make me feel better in real life, and then it really does give me strength. It reminds me of all these romcoms I watch on Netflix where after a breakup the person keeps hallucinating of their ex. That’s probably what’s happening here. I’m just hallucinating. But hey you’re a helpful hallucination so who am I to tell it to go away? As long as it keeps good boundaries and doesn’t start to bother me lol. Got enough experiencing with telling hallucinations to go away anyway. I did at first with yours but then I realised doing so took my strength away rather than added to it. So like I said I just accepted it. I have to listen what’s right for me, and right now this is it.

Well, I think I have expressed everything I want to. I do feel better. I doubt you will ever read this. I will post it on my blog for my own sake but you don’t know about my blog (that I’m aware of) so yeah. Again, I’m sorry things ended this way, and that my only response at the end was to shut down emotionally, and I’m sorry that you will probably never hear from me again or that we cannot simply just be friends. Such a thing would be far too stressful on me. It would hurt me far more than this, and like I said, I have to do what’s right for me.

But I will never forget you GB. I will never forget the beautiful gift of yourself that you shared with me for those almost two years. It doesn’t matter what happens in the future, I am sure a piece of you will always stay with me. And for that I am grateful, because I couldn’t ask for a better guardian angel.

The Brewing Eye

Shining tear-stained photo albums
Touchscreen glass cracked with litanies
Charcoal pupils darkly reflecting back at me
Who is this beast behind the screen drenched in torrential deluge?

Omissions and mysteries and hazy terrors
Shaped and haunted by gales of misery
Pools of grief encapsulate me ’till I’m drowning endlessly
The depths of this scene a kind of morbid relief

The watery depths of Poseidon’s uncertainty
Rule the thick black clouds gathering once again above me
The storms without and within omen delirium, no dependability
Foreshadow death relentlessly, until I give up on you and me
And snap in frustration at the brewing eye ruining the air all around me

Your cyclone meets my frigid halcyon
No more wrecking devastation at its origin
Thank you for the inevitability, fuck off kindly
As I fade into the background and merge with your adversary; anxiety

Well don’t blame me,
I’m just the messenger.

All is Fair in Love and War

Let me write of a story. A fragile story. That of a young flower fairy whom had lost her home.

She wandered around unknowingly, trying to fit in, trying as one of the mortals that surrounded her. But she was unsuccessful.

She knew magic and she contemplated if she was deranged. She knew ruin and she wondered if she was hexed. Alas, if a hex can be considered heightened sensitivity, then maybe so.

The trees spoke to her, and the stars were her friends. And beside her home stood a doorway, reminding her of her origins. But she could not enter through, because the world was blinded to its beauty, and kept her blinded too and apart from her true home.

Oh how my heart bleeds for this fairy. And her twin brother was neither to be found. On the other side of the door, with his hand against the frame, waiting one day for her return. What a sad fairy he too was, tormented and apart from his beloved.

And she planted lavender, she nursed their blooms to remind herself of him, she used folk medicine and healed the afflictions of her community with the skills she was taught by him. And slowly, slowly she remembered. But still she could not reach through. The door was one way only, and he had only the suffering of watching her age and fade as he remained immemorial within her fantasy.

For she was no longer a fairy in this world, and had the body of a mortal. She was punished for heinous crimes she was said to have committed. And yet she was not culpable, and he knew that. She had not a stain of blood on her hands, nor anywhere on her person, and still he knew that. Yet the torment of that knowing never ceased, and never eased the sorrow of seeing her languish.

There was another way. If she only pleaded guilty, love’s true kiss could revive her again. Like sleeping beauty, she lay waiting for his healing embrace. And yet she had to unveil that shroud of secrecy that kept them apart.

Who is he, this traveller? This distant and weary man? He whom has experienced so many woes, so many trials and so many condemnations? Why does he adore the flowers and the winds and all things of the skies? Why is his influence so strong in her?

He is chained. He is caught and confined, like a circus animal trained only to perform cruel acts, for no reward of its own. And the bars separate their natures, the bars separate them from their amnesty.

A precious bubble that should be theirs is nothing more than a wretched heartbreak.

Phoenix Tears

Kiss me with your saccharine lips
Through the twilight zone
Remind me why your bosom is more pure
Than all the other ones

Oh the spirit of amour dances nearby
She bathes in paradise
And soars through the air
With golden wings
As florets reach for the celestial skies

Oh let her virtue be fed by inspiration mine
Let it reverberate on your lips
Your cherished memories which contain my name
Let my adoration be your melody

And the violaceous drapes which frame this space
They hide the tabernacle of presence
The glorious rapture within, of testing fates
Of timelines that run parallel, yet invisibly

Embrace the silence, embrace the mystique
Embrace the vitality that embers sparks
And let us be clothed with its heat
With its ardour and passion
And let the phoenix tears glow bright.

The Witches’ Tournament

London, what a psychedelic trip
High on augmented witchery
Flames spark from the flair in my hands
SOS, I need aid
Now can you hear me?

Where am I to be found?
Wandering in the smoggy maze
Chasing my own hawed tail
Like an innocent Cedric Diggory
Such a baseless tragedy
Overcome by swollen reptilian horns
Of diseased materialism
And a cursed genocidal eternity

Flail away my skin part by part
Sharpen your athame
Let the whittle mould me
Let the decay punish me
With its sadistic sores and oozing pores
Bleed me like Jesus Christ
With a crown of thorns upon my head
Drain me until I give up the wraith
And return to me the gift of shaded perpetuity

Oh how the anguish wracks through me
And the blood-rose wine fills me up
With baseless fantasy
Unfulfilled stormy sensualities
Let me wear scanty black lace head to toe
And crack the whip that defiles the daughters of doom
The river of vitality flows darkly within
Flooding the plains of the ghoulish Cockaigne

Oh how the nucleus in your pupils are faded
How the dye and glamour has run out
The foundation around me slips like slithering silicon sands
Until all I can clench is my own contorted heartbeat.

It’s Not Over, Love

Why? What essence would possess such tribulation?
Thorns pierce at my skull, roses envelop my heart as poisonous medicine
May my humanity be ever present within
As shards of glass reminding me of corporeality

I’m sorry, for the love which became lost to you
And this despair permeates my whole being
Even as I rejoice for the bridal chamber which will soon become besides me
The mountains of life echo endlessly
With its contorted ups and downs

Look, here comes nature’s pilgrim
She sees you and waves, she smiles, and yet she grimaces
A waking dream that never seems to end
Trapped within the waves of time
Drowned in the depths of life

Oh my god, I see the the chasm of suffering
I feel the earth’s broken heartbeat
I know the pity, the mortification
Sing your song oh sweet little dove with your broken wing
Don’t let yourself be silent
For your needs will lead you to your redemption

Let me carry you tenderly, on the winds of gentle love
Let the four rains of the world wash away your tears
And the fire of the heavenly sun heal your scars warmly
It’s not over, love.

Folie a Deux

Air currents glide away
To the sound of whitened silence
The chasis aches in desperation
Save the chaos for another day

Well, my murder weapon is a crystal ball
I feel its gleam beside my dormant body
Pretty print painted in your irises
Feathered serpents to get you through

Chains drag along with their keys discarded
Their weight a heavy memory
Blink and you’ll miss the sunlight escaping
Sigh and watch me faint onto cold ground miserably

The rashes and scales they itch beneath
Hide away the stash of liberated slavery
Invisible ink only tests the dream
Hands in the fate of the enemy you don’t know.

Aftershock

Blink, it’s dawn
Muted rays filter softly through the blinds
Blush, peachy cheeks flush warm with blood
My complexion irradiating a vivid mirage

Ah, I will leave it nebular
But the covalent bonds course through fiercely
Through fettered inclinations
With virtue by the wayside
What manner of immorality is rooted within?

I hereby recline, insouciant
In this queer haunt, in this lame way
As they say, familiarity breeds contempt
Yet the peculiar remains fetishised
The both beset by innocuous friction

Wherewith declaration is nay
For fear of hearsay, ostracism
Lest we forget, all hide that inbred whimsy
With veiled stains of subterranean relief

Terror, revulsion, disgrace, lechery?
Forget it. I’ll cosset ingenuously
With chortle as I muse;
A translucency which proved preeminently
Remission in deceit;
It’s not in what’s not retrieved

Hello frenemy; convoluted herstory
Revive with embers my sequestered profundity
Revolve this magmatic confidentiality
And extricate me
Listlessly, unbelievably.