Ransom

Writhing, whining
Whimpering for effervescence, yours
Rapture, ransom, redemption and release
Proffer me sanguine;
Impregnated
In reverence
On my knees.

Irremediable

Dwelling on my own insignificance
And submerging myself in the power of inexhaustible self-pity
A spasmodic conversion rips tautly across my chest
Activating lesions I thought were no longer fresh

I crave love like an alcoholic her liquid drug
And too I try to give up this obnoxious compulsion for normalcy
Because the stroke of charred varnish on the brush of my insanity
Extends far too broadly and awakes all so suddenly
When the bane gurgles up through my veins

I feel vacuous at times
And consider if anything will ever fill this desolate quietude within
Tears well up when I remember my own woeful proclivities
And my breast sears open in desolate misery

Why am I horror-struck by half of humanity?
Those jerks had me acting out as an hysterical succubus
Until I was diagnosed as certifiably deranged
Which I tried to forget with my half-yearly bout of amnesia
But instead spiralled deeper into infirmity and acroamatic rape

Can I be delivered? Am I deserving of this life?
Some mournful remnant weeps within
And clenches my internal organs tight
Hoping that if clenched hard enough
No longer will remain the disenchantment of being alive

This is a silent siren of sorrow
Of a young girl maltreated, ostracised, and forsaken
Yet used to it all the same
I’m sorry for the distress I put you through little one
For the suffering of this affliction
This time not physical as a blade that scarred my wrists, hips, and thighs
But instead a total disembodiment of my own self
I’m sure I deceased that night

Or maybe I was already slain
Who can blame that tormented toddler after being projected to the depths of the underworld
In despair and barbarism at the hands of unimaginably vile creatures

Fuck that son of a bitch for what he did
Fuck his existence, fuck his face
May he putrefy and decay in disgrace
This enmity inside is just an endless war to emancipate my voice
To be relieved, to be released

Even when the social worker visited at the tender age of eight
With my eye black and bruised
And welts on my back
Sound was yet not heard
And at twelve when I tried to forewarn the pompous pastor of being nothing more than a child-slave
I was forced to face a vacant wall for weeks on end with hands held ceaselessly upon my head
Oh how my arms weighed
They became insensate

And love was never present
Neither at home nor outside its walls
Despite simplistic narcissistic illusion
Sequestered and forlorn as I was within those four walls
With hands around my neck for wanting to see an insensible male friend
Well, who can blame me for feeling like my very existence is a harrowing affliction to all whom pass me by?
It never goes away
I just learn to live with the debilitating and dishonourable disdain

When will I procure respite?
When will life let up on this foul misfortune?
Was I Jack the Ripper in another aeon?
Am I making up for trespasses long gone?
Or is this just disastrous fate?
How did I offend the gods so?

I want to gather the fractures of myself and affix them anew
With gleaming gold epoxy as in that Japanese adage
And maybe one day my scars will be more precious for it
But sometimes all I feel is the deadly expanse between the porcelain truths
Negative images of a future that no longer subsists

And who knows if this is the only variant of me that is
Goddess I pray so, because the aberrant recourse presses against me from all sides
Has the cosmos really given up on me?
Prithee, I petition for a token, for confidence and a piety I never once felt
Let me anticipate again, even though I am near now self-erased
May my affection feel again
Shielded, insulated, impregnable
Without fright nor strain

The excruciating egg shells lie scattered now far beyond the shadows
Still their dusty remains harrow deep within the soles of my feet
And disturb me every time I take a step forward with a weary wheeze

Will you come and sup this tainted breath out my lungs with a reverent tongue?
Is there really hope? So long have I been dragged through mud and mire;
I am necessitous for repose of my cynical soul
So, pray, let it be.
It must be.

Daddy

Princess rose
Sparkles and glitter
Within a world concealed to the norm

Lacy black suspenders
Strapped to my plump derriere
With thigh highs and titillating bared skin

Two parts of me yet unexplored
The virginal maid and the seductive whore
Are you yet another apparition of my core?

Daddy, I love you
An utterance that never once passed my deadened lips
Until this tender age of five and twenty

Screw the world and its abandoning me
Fuck the system that should’ve protected me
Now I am a little Lolita once more

No more downcast but gently adored
With pastel colours, fluffy blankets, and the sucking of my thumb
For solace in re-imagining of the past

Yeah it may be queer
But the rules are fluid
Like gravity’s magic keeps us upright despite being upended

So here’s to the pretty meadows of my heart
And the fortunate guardian within
My cunning champion of healing.

Reawakening

Two April showers have run their course
and the tides have turned, turned up, and returned
there is some sorcery acting up within the misty overcast
a commemoration of what once could be

And I fall head first into the watery abyss below me
astral journeys of another dimension
a solace found in your weeping bloodstained soul
hurts and aches that shutter me in like a moth to a flame

Why do I always go for the bruised and broken?
is it my own obsession, a dire need to strangle the suffocation away?
take my hand as it is outstretched in loving kindness
I say in my heart to all whom I pass
as I yearn now for your wanting lips murmuring sweet nothings towards me

I know this is nothing more than a chimera
but let me melt in this sweet aberration for just one more moment
so our lungs may remember again what it’s like to breathe
and share sympathy beyond the hum drum
and like a drum I beat against your heart
with clenched fists knocking against the constraints of our sanity

Can I be let in again, can we discover an intimacy beyond the innocent?
I’m lost, ruined, a wreck of unearthed bones and skulls
of skulking ghosts running their hands through my soft cocoa hair
there is something thrilling in the darkness, I won’t deny
something tantalising in the smell of your intoxicating apparition
and erotic writings that make the mind whirl with shame and heady need

I know there’s no expectancy here
we are just travellers passing by
making life more appetising
well for now let it be so
let the budding blooms of my desire remember you
and find solace in the sympathy of your raw primacy
for some instance again.

The Chariot

Roses dipped in seductive red lipstick
The kisses of my heart
Flutter towards the unknown
And embrace her in my entranced arms

Trials and tribulations are about, true
Stormy nights of the soul will pass before the dawn arises
Before the diamond-winged dove sings
And tweets her song to all the world

And I aspire here
The shimmering star of adoration burns sheltered within my womb
Knowing, keeping, keening this truth
Her love a baby pink and royal purple
Floating on heaven’s candy clouds

I beg forgiveness of the others before
I have found my safe haven
My dame in an illuminate mantle
My destined awaits
And this vision radiates.

I’m With You

Strum, the strum of the guitar sings to me
And I feel something inside aglow
Oh for this life to be simpler

I’m afraid of sentiments that could ruin me
Yet I wonder to engage in it all
As this warmth curls inside my belly
And reminds me of chilly winter mornings
Wrapped in bed, in a tangle of loving legs and arms
And spiced Christmas candles that never extinguish

I imagine beautiful snow-rimed mountain tops
In some other existence, where I could be someone
In your sombre irises, in the midst of this frozen tundra

Let’s light a blunt and get lost in the euphoria of nihility
Where souls recognise each other through space and time
Where dreams become lucid and good faith is all that remains
And the disillusionment of fate drops away

And here this image replays in my head
Like a movie that demands to be rerun
Like that semi-divine monster of The Endless
Keeping me in a mercurial sempiternal loop

Even though I wish never to feel the turn of the tides
Feel I do, and want I do
And even if not corporeally
I’m with you.

My Last Breath

Wretched woeful breaths
Osmosis comes at such a heavy price
Shattered splinters of my breast
Bestrew the space surrounding me

And so I eye your WhatsApp profile
Querying endlessly into your depths
Flicking through my recollections
Feigning that it’s still you and me

How do I reconcile reality?
With the yearnings I had for our fancies?
How do I wind my own chain up again?
Just to keep plummeting ahead blindly?

Oh I remember the kisses I pressed softly against your eyelids
I remember the way your warm skin felt against mine
Now I can’t touch myself without being wrenched apart by waterworks
I can’t remember what gratification feels like

Am I long forgotten now?
Do your feelings remain as flattened affect?
Let me replay our forlorn melodies
And recall your revenant that I may clutch you close to me

Oh I miss you exceedingly
Though my blood simmers in resentment
My sorrows drag me under turbulent tides
Where I am embraced by deathly affections.

Broken

Clutch my heart and wait for the attack
Start, stop, speed up again
Flutter, panic, sorrow screams in fury
Adrenaline coursing through my numb struck body

Oh a trip to fucking hell once again
My soul lies around me in splinters, sharp edges gleaming from behind the shadows
Devils gleefully rub their hands together watching and waiting for my fall

Who am I to say this body is no longer inhabited by a brilliant sun?
She departed from me a moon ago, and like the moon her light waned
Yet unlike the moon she returned not

Silence. Solitude.
A rugged spine grows through me, covered in thorns that will make you bleed
Because I am haemorrhaging and hot orange liquid floods from me
Rushing to the floor in morbid pleasure
And then slowing dramatically

Oh what remains? Nothing more than iniquity
Holy iniquity committed in sacred sin
Lust and love and lies and loss all rolled together and smoked joint

Oh the stars are falling from the inky sky and none remain
That last sun fell a while back and all which remains is the void of all I wish not to become
For when you gaze into that void that void penetrates your very core

Silence. I disappear.
I float away into the river of forgotten wispy dreams
Lifeless and cold, drowned and frozen by hypothermic asphyxiation
Dirt and fossils fill my lungs, with worms and wasps burrowing their nests within

Who are you to tell me what I deserve?
My fingers caress the blades of grass nearby and pull them up by their roots
Now they lay strewn around in the aftermath and chaos of change
This is what is left of me, flushed cheeks and humiliating defeat.

Shit. I fucked myself up.
Every neuron lights up in smoke, nihilistic ecstasy, oh how the tables have turned on me
Your die was rolled and I lost the game
I fold, my hand was full with the king, but it wasn’t enough
Life is wry that way

The peasant rules the empire after all
And terror blows over trees in mighty ground-shaking gales, complements of Mother Earth
Dear delicious tormentor, how can I thank you for your destructive power?
May I recharge in agony and be the reaper of death?
May I destroy kear? No?

And so I am here
Abdicating, and praying you won’t gun down my already shattered skull
Let me be the eternal prisoner in the dungeons of our sorrowful dreams
If that’s the way I can make up for my treason of losing your love
May the chains envelop me with their searing chills
So I suffocate and cannot breathe.
Only you.

Dear GB

It is nearly midnight and I am unable to sleep. And you have crossed my mind again. I find myself talking to you from afar, hoping somehow you’ll hear me, but I doubt it. Then I have this idea to write a cathartic letter. Get out what I’m feeling right now.

Well first off, I want to say sorry for the way things ended. I was cold and blunt and it wasn’t very nice after two years of love shared. I wish I could take back some of my words and express myself more nicely. But I was angry so it’s not too unusual. I just wish I could have a do over. At the very least I wish I could say sorry properly to you, but I can’t because I know if I ever open that line of communication again I will be a wreck hoping for every little sign that will say there is a future for us, when clearly there isn’t. I don’t want to delude myself. I had so much faith in us to the point I thought you would want to work things out. In the end my faith, my vision, my hope was wrong, and I can’t fool myself into believing that will ever be a reality.

How have I been since the breakup? Some good some bad. My recovery is going great, I wish I could share that with you, it would make you happy. I am walking nearly every day and even went swimming the other day. I miss sharing the moments of my life with my best friend. Now I have no friend. I am alone. But I am not letting myself feel lonely. Only in the nights like this when my mind and body are restless and won’t settle and I inevitably find myself almost meditating on your presence again. Weird that.

I cut ties with you but it feels like you’re still here. Will you leave eventually? I hope so, for now this part of the healing is good for me but it would be torturous if your presence lingered continuously. And yet I wonder if it will precisely because of the love we shared… It doesn’t matter that in the end we were apparently wrong for each other does it? The love was real and because of that maybe I will always feel it. And that’s kinda why I just never want to date again.

I freed up my heart from your energy and yet it still feels like you belong here. Maybe I just have more to free up. As long as you’re here how can I love anyone else? Maybe I can’t, and maybe that’s okay. Just don’t love anyone else either okay? Well, that’s a far fetched wish, some romantic bullshit. I’m sure you’ll probably fall in love again someday and be with the woman who really makes you feel like you can overcome your fears of commitment. I’m sorry I’m not that woman. I wish I was, but alas, I’m not.

I always say there is better love out there. And maybe it’s true. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will love me better. But you can never be replaced. Trust me I already tried. Joined all the dating sites, sent out a load of feelers and received a load back myself. I thought I just needed to pick up with my love life where I left off. That maybe I could have my happy ending that I wanted with you all along. That maybe someone would come and fill that void and make me forget. But they can’t, it’s not possible. So I have just accepted you may be here to stay, and that our hearts will always have some space reserved for each other. Right? Who knows.

Ah that phrase you loved so much. So much of my newly forming identity was shaped around you, and I couldn’t have asked for a better role model. The healing your love had on me was profound, especially after the breakup which is weird (I expected I would be traumatised and back to square one, in fact the opposite happened…) so yeah I may be mad on some level about the way things ended and that I don’t feel good enough for you, but that 1% of negativity doesn’t cancel out the other 99% of soul to soul connection we had and the beauty and gentleness shared.

I always loved your gentleness. It was the one thing I first noticed when we first met. Your heart was so gentle. It’s exactly what I needed, and now I am not so angry it is still what gets me through during hard times. I imagine you there saying or doing something that would make me feel better in real life, and then it really does give me strength. It reminds me of all these romcoms I watch on Netflix where after a breakup the person keeps hallucinating of their ex. That’s probably what’s happening here. I’m just hallucinating. But hey you’re a helpful hallucination so who am I to tell it to go away? As long as it keeps good boundaries and doesn’t start to bother me lol. Got enough experiencing with telling hallucinations to go away anyway. I did at first with yours but then I realised doing so took my strength away rather than added to it. So like I said I just accepted it. I have to listen what’s right for me, and right now this is it.

Well, I think I have expressed everything I want to. I do feel better. I doubt you will ever read this. I will post it on my blog for my own sake but you don’t know about my blog (that I’m aware of) so yeah. Again, I’m sorry things ended this way, and that my only response at the end was to shut down emotionally, and I’m sorry that you will probably never hear from me again or that we cannot simply just be friends. Such a thing would be far too stressful on me. It would hurt me far more than this, and like I said, I have to do what’s right for me.

But I will never forget you GB. I will never forget the beautiful gift of yourself that you shared with me for those almost two years. It doesn’t matter what happens in the future, I am sure a piece of you will always stay with me. And for that I am grateful, because I couldn’t ask for a better guardian angel.

The Brewing Eye

Shining tear-stained photo albums
Touchscreen glass cracked with litanies
Charcoal pupils darkly reflecting back at me
Who is this beast behind the screen drenched in torrential deluge?

Omissions and mysteries and hazy terrors
Shaped and haunted by gales of misery
Pools of grief encapsulate me ’till I’m drowning endlessly
The depths of this scene a kind of morbid relief

The watery depths of Poseidon’s uncertainty
Rule the thick black clouds gathering once again above me
The storms without and within omen delirium, no dependability
Foreshadow death relentlessly, until I give up on you and me
And snap in frustration at the brewing eye ruining the air all around me

Your cyclone meets my frigid halcyon
No more wrecking devastation at its origin
Thank you for the inevitability, fuck off kindly
As I fade into the background and merge with your adversary; anxiety

Well don’t blame me,
I’m just the messenger.