Absolution

Wet, wet eyes, wet kitten
Triggered in sentimental reaction
Photochemicals firing in response to delicate repression, regression

Rejection, it pursues me
Honed deep within as a calcified babe
Bang! The empty casing falls to the floor
And my heart drops through the marbled tiles with it

I’m fallen, it’s true
Kicked out the opalescent gates of paradise
I don’t belong, who am I deceiving?

Hades is my Father,
His deathly silence and ghastly peace in the parched shrubbery
And the river of oblivion consuming all whom stumble by

I’m entombed within deprivation
Within the shadows of crinkly autumn leaves which fell with me
Enclosed in hopes and dreams
And promises which I know not whether they’ll be

I remember when I met the raven with a broken wing,
Long black hair and forlorn oriental eyes
I wanted to nurse him in my arms and stitch his wound as my own
But I was too preoccupied with my own deformity

And like that deformity I am wasted on recovery
Always in sight but always out of reach
Taunting me, cruelly
How do I deserve amnesty
When I am but a carcass drained by the earth-worms beneath me?

May I find Grace
Wherever She is
That I may be worthy to devour the scraps from her dining table
And find absolution.

Felo De Se

I muse among the maze of my life, only able to ever check behind, but never ahead.

And besides me is a force that taunts, a non-corporeal torment. Ephemeral reminder of my own fragility.

And mirrors surround me. All I see is my own pitiful state. My eyes are sunken, my skin pale. I am in a chronic state of exhaustion and sickness.

Above there is a luminosity but it is so far unreachable. I can only stare and pretend it has meaning, when it has none for my reality.

And the creature besides me covered in wispy thorns, bleeding ichor from his own afflictions and living in perpetual self-torment, he is the tarnished silver glaring back at me. He is my rage.

There is no way to flee such dread, and I have only the ability to make choice based on luck. And fate makes it appear that I never choose the right one.

This ugly apparition in front of me, whom is me, opens his mouth and a silent screech emerges, the sound lost in an agonising inability to express.

Starlight above, why torment me further with reverie and stupor for something that will never be? Stop with your deceptions and fleeting fancies. I am not of you.

I am lone and frigid, on this journey with none but my own distress.

I am sorry, just leave me to curl up beneath the endless bushes and make a nest of morbidity for myself here. I shall eat the dirt and insects and survive from the sap of toxic browned ferns which surround me.

Calcify me, until I am entombed within eternity. This will be my escape, my legacy.

And one day when the tectonic plates have shifted yet again and the sea swallows up the land, I will be washed ashore to some foreign place and be worshipped as one of old, fallen from grace.

And so I will continue on in the impressions of all, not as any real thing living, but something which woefully passed away.

Ransom

Writhing, whining
Whimpering for effervescence, yours
Rapture, ransom, redemption and release
Proffer me sanguine;
Impregnated
In reverence
On my knees.

Irremediable

Dwelling on my own insignificance
And submerging myself in the power of inexhaustible self-pity
A spasmodic conversion rips tautly across my chest
Activating lesions I thought were no longer fresh

I crave love like an alcoholic her liquid drug
And too I try to give up this obnoxious compulsion for normalcy
Because the stroke of charred varnish on the brush of my insanity
Extends far too broadly and awakes all so suddenly
When the bane gurgles up through my veins

I feel vacuous at times
And consider if anything will ever fill this desolate quietude within
Tears well up when I remember my own woeful proclivities
And my breast sears open in desolate misery

Why am I horror-struck by half of humanity?
Those jerks had me acting out as an hysterical succubus
Until I was diagnosed as certifiably deranged
Which I tried to forget with my half-yearly bout of amnesia
But instead spiralled deeper into infirmity and acroamatic rape

Can I be delivered? Am I deserving of this life?
Some mournful remnant weeps within
And clenches my internal organs tight
Hoping that if clenched hard enough
No longer will remain the disenchantment of being alive

This is a silent siren of sorrow
Of a young girl maltreated, ostracised, and forsaken
Yet used to it all the same
I’m sorry for the distress I put you through little one
For the suffering of this affliction
This time not physical as a blade that scarred my wrists, hips, and thighs
But instead a total disembodiment of my own self
I’m sure I deceased that night

Or maybe I was already slain
Who can blame that tormented toddler after being projected to the depths of the underworld
In despair and barbarism at the hands of unimaginably vile creatures

Fuck that son of a bitch for what he did
Fuck his existence, fuck his face
May he putrefy and decay in disgrace
This enmity inside is just an endless war to emancipate my voice
To be relieved, to be released

Even when the social worker visited at the tender age of eight
With my eye black and bruised
And welts on my back
Sound was yet not heard
And at twelve when I tried to forewarn the pompous pastor of being nothing more than a child-slave
I was forced to face a vacant wall for weeks on end with hands held ceaselessly upon my head
Oh how my arms weighed
They became insensate

And love was never present
Neither at home nor outside its walls
Despite simplistic narcissistic illusion
Sequestered and forlorn as I was within those four walls
With hands around my neck for wanting to see an insensible male friend
Well, who can blame me for feeling like my very existence is a harrowing affliction to all whom pass me by?
It never goes away
I just learn to live with the debilitating and dishonourable disdain

When will I procure respite?
When will life let up on this foul misfortune?
Was I Jack the Ripper in another aeon?
Am I making up for trespasses long gone?
Or is this just disastrous fate?
How did I offend the gods so?

I want to gather the fractures of myself and affix them anew
With gleaming gold epoxy as in that Japanese adage
And maybe one day my scars will be more precious for it
But sometimes all I feel is the deadly expanse between the porcelain truths
Negative images of a future that no longer subsists

And who knows if this is the only variant of me that is
Goddess I pray so, because the aberrant recourse presses against me from all sides
Has the cosmos really given up on me?
Prithee, I petition for a token, for confidence and a piety I never once felt
Let me anticipate again, even though I am near now self-erased
May my affection feel again
Shielded, insulated, impregnable
Without fright nor strain

The excruciating egg shells lie scattered now far beyond the shadows
Still their dusty remains harrow deep within the soles of my feet
And disturb me every time I take a step forward with a weary wheeze

Will you come and sup this tainted breath out my lungs with a reverent tongue?
Is there really hope? So long have I been dragged through mud and mire;
I am necessitous for repose of my cynical soul
So, pray, let it be.
It must be.

Daddy

Princess rose
Sparkles and glitter
Within a world concealed to the norm

Lacy black suspenders
Strapped to my plump derriere
With thigh highs and titillating bared skin

Two parts of me yet unexplored
The virginal maid and the seductive whore
Are you yet another apparition of my core?

Daddy, I love you
An utterance that never once passed my deadened lips
Until this tender age of five and twenty

Screw the world and its abandoning me
Fuck the system that should’ve protected me
Now I am a little Lolita once more

No more downcast but gently adored
With pastel colours, fluffy blankets, and the sucking of my thumb
For solace in re-imagining of the past

Yeah it may be queer
But the rules are fluid
Like gravity’s magic keeps us upright despite being upended

So here’s to the pretty meadows of my heart
And the fortunate guardian within
My cunning champion of healing.

Reawakening

Two April showers have run their course
and the tides have turned, turned up, and returned
there is some sorcery acting up within the misty overcast
a commemoration of what once could be

And I fall head first into the watery abyss below me
astral journeys of another dimension
a solace found in your weeping bloodstained soul
hurts and aches that shutter me in like a moth to a flame

Why do I always go for the bruised and broken?
is it my own obsession, a dire need to strangle the suffocation away?
take my hand as it is outstretched in loving kindness
I say in my heart to all whom I pass
as I yearn now for your wanting lips murmuring sweet nothings towards me

I know this is nothing more than a chimera
but let me melt in this sweet aberration for just one more moment
so our lungs may remember again what it’s like to breathe
and share sympathy beyond the hum drum
and like a drum I beat against your heart
with clenched fists knocking against the constraints of our sanity

Can I be let in again, can we discover an intimacy beyond the innocent?
I’m lost, ruined, a wreck of unearthed bones and skulls
of skulking ghosts running their hands through my soft cocoa hair
there is something thrilling in the darkness, I won’t deny
something tantalising in the smell of your intoxicating apparition
and erotic writings that make the mind whirl with shame and heady need

I know there’s no expectancy here
we are just travellers passing by
making life more appetising
well for now let it be so
let the budding blooms of my desire remember you
and find solace in the sympathy of your raw primacy
for some instance again.

The Chariot

Roses dipped in seductive red lipstick
The kisses of my heart
Flutter towards the unknown
And embrace her in my entranced arms

Trials and tribulations are about, true
Stormy nights of the soul will pass before the dawn arises
Before the diamond-winged dove sings
And tweets her song to all the world

And I aspire here
The shimmering star of adoration burns sheltered within my womb
Knowing, keeping, keening this truth
Her love a baby pink and royal purple
Floating on heaven’s candy clouds

I beg forgiveness of the others before
I have found my safe haven
My dame in an illuminate mantle
My destined awaits
And this vision radiates.

I’m With You

Strum, the strum of the guitar sings to me
And I feel something inside aglow
Oh for this life to be simpler

I’m afraid of sentiments that could ruin me
Yet I wonder to engage in it all
As this warmth curls inside my belly
And reminds me of chilly winter mornings
Wrapped in bed, in a tangle of loving legs and arms
And spiced Christmas candles that never extinguish

I imagine beautiful snow-rimed mountain tops
In some other existence, where I could be someone
In your sombre irises, in the midst of this frozen tundra

Let’s light a blunt and get lost in the euphoria of nihility
Where souls recognise each other through space and time
Where dreams become lucid and good faith is all that remains
And the disillusionment of fate drops away

And here this image replays in my head
Like a movie that demands to be rerun
Like that semi-divine monster of The Endless
Keeping me in a mercurial sempiternal loop

Even though I wish never to feel the turn of the tides
Feel I do, and want I do
And even if not corporeally
I’m with you.

My Last Breath

Wretched woeful breaths
Osmosis comes at such a heavy price
Shattered splinters of my breast
Bestrew the space surrounding me

And so I eye your WhatsApp profile
Querying endlessly into your depths
Flicking through my recollections
Feigning that it’s still you and me

How do I reconcile reality?
With the yearnings I had for our fancies?
How do I wind my own chain up again?
Just to keep plummeting ahead blindly?

Oh I remember the kisses I pressed softly against your eyelids
I remember the way your warm skin felt against mine
Now I can’t touch myself without being wrenched apart by waterworks
I can’t remember what gratification feels like

Am I long forgotten now?
Do your feelings remain as flattened affect?
Let me replay our forlorn melodies
And recall your revenant that I may clutch you close to me

Oh I miss you exceedingly
Though my blood simmers in resentment
My sorrows drag me under turbulent tides
Where I am embraced by deathly affections.

Broken

Clutch my heart and wait for the attack
Start, stop, speed up again
Flutter, panic, sorrow screams in fury
Adrenaline coursing through my numb struck body

Oh a trip to fucking hell once again
My soul lies around me in splinters, sharp edges gleaming from behind the shadows
Devils gleefully rub their hands together watching and waiting for my fall

Who am I to say this body is no longer inhabited by a brilliant sun?
She departed from me a moon ago, and like the moon her light waned
Yet unlike the moon she returned not

Silence. Solitude.
A rugged spine grows through me, covered in thorns that will make you bleed
Because I am haemorrhaging and hot orange liquid floods from me
Rushing to the floor in morbid pleasure
And then slowing dramatically

Oh what remains? Nothing more than iniquity
Holy iniquity committed in sacred sin
Lust and love and lies and loss all rolled together and smoked joint

Oh the stars are falling from the inky sky and none remain
That last sun fell a while back and all which remains is the void of all I wish not to become
For when you gaze into that void that void penetrates your very core

Silence. I disappear.
I float away into the river of forgotten wispy dreams
Lifeless and cold, drowned and frozen by hypothermic asphyxiation
Dirt and fossils fill my lungs, with worms and wasps burrowing their nests within

Who are you to tell me what I deserve?
My fingers caress the blades of grass nearby and pull them up by their roots
Now they lay strewn around in the aftermath and chaos of change
This is what is left of me, flushed cheeks and humiliating defeat.

Shit. I fucked myself up.
Every neuron lights up in smoke, nihilistic ecstasy, oh how the tables have turned on me
Your die was rolled and I lost the game
I fold, my hand was full with the king, but it wasn’t enough
Life is wry that way

The peasant rules the empire after all
And terror blows over trees in mighty ground-shaking gales, complements of Mother Earth
Dear delicious tormentor, how can I thank you for your destructive power?
May I recharge in agony and be the reaper of death?
May I destroy kear? No?

And so I am here
Abdicating, and praying you won’t gun down my already shattered skull
Let me be the eternal prisoner in the dungeons of our sorrowful dreams
If that’s the way I can make up for my treason of losing your love
May the chains envelop me with their searing chills
So I suffocate and cannot breathe.
Only you.