Happy Harvest Moon and Autumnal Equinox

Today is harvest or Mabon and the full moon is near full illumination. I spent most the day very productively, first by reading The Clear Recital which is the Filianic/Deanic scripture, and then by pruning my plants as it’s the season for the old to be shed so the new can later grow. I also did a massive clean up in the same vein and harvested some lavender leaves to dry and later use as medicine as well as a way to connect with the Lavender Queen who is now my plant familiar. After that I did a beautiful ritual honouring the Goddess both as Supreme and in many of her different manifestations or rather Avatars that I felt prompted to pray to.

Regarding rituals I don’t really tend to call the elements or the four quarters anymore. I know I can if I want and the motions are ingrained if I ever feel the need but it’s rare that I do these days. I’ve found that a circle isn’t needed to make a sacred space as a circle naturally comes about in a mundane space when spiritual work is being done. So when I say ritual I mean more like devotional. My spirituality has become very devotional lately and all I want to do is get to know the Goddess and please her, as well as serve her. I recently was initiated by Hekate as a priestess (she says I am now a full priestess but I say I’m a priestess in training as I’m not that confident lol) of the Goddess and Hekate is now my new Patron goddess.

For a while I didn’t have a Patron and was honouring just the Goddess directly. But I found I didn’t really have the tools or knowledge to effectively connect the way I wanted and I prayed to Hekate on the dark moon as I had been doing already for a while and she just kind of took over my spiritual life and my spiritual focus. She has given me direction and the ability to see again and connect with the goddess. Hekate is the priestess of the Great Goddess and now I am a priestess of Hekate.

I never thought I would end up devoted to Hekate but it just naturally happened. She has taught me so much already and lets me there is still so much to teach me. Persephone and Demeter are also highly worshipped alongside Hekate as in ancient times when they were considered a Triplicity, and I think Hekate will reveal to me those original Eleusinian mysteries. In fact I think she has already begun as I honoured Persephone tonight connecting her in my mind to the harvest, but she turned out to not be what I expected at all. She was definitely more a goddess of spring and love especially and I have no idea why I felt so afraid of her originally.

Persephone also had a twice born son called Dionysus who was also highly revered in the Orphic mysteries, though I don’t know how much he was revered in the Eleusinian mysteries. I will have to look that up. But as can be seen I’m still very much polytheistic and pagan and working with the Greek gods especially alongside worshipping and honouring the Great Mother as Supreme being. They are not separate and being Deanic aka believing in God as Mother doesn’t mean I can’t see other goddesses as emanations of her as well. And so today I had a beautiful day learning of Dea in the Clear Recital and then bringing that beautiful inspiring energy to my day and harvest ritual. In fact I believe part of Filianism may be derived from the Eleusinian mysteries with Demeter representing God the Mother, Persephone aka Kore representing God the Daughter, and Hekate representing the Dark Mother. So the two belief systems are entirely compatible with each other.

So this is where I am in my spiritual life right now, my beliefs and practices are a mish mash of everything especially since my Animal Totem is the Mayan Jaguar Mother whom connects me with my ancestors on that side, but it works for me and my focus ultimately is on the Goddess/Dea aka God Herself both directly and indirectly in her many different forms. Including animal forms!

So may my readers be blessed reading this and I hope you had a wonderful Harvest just as I did.

Believing in God, The One, Again, as Mother; With a Side of Healing the Masculine too

A lot has happened since I last updated here (I think I write that every time I post lol! My life is just a bit crazy). My spiritual path for one has had a change. My actual life too has been through a lot but I wanted to start explaining what has changed with my spiritual path the past month or two.

As my readers may have been aware, I had a beautiful relationship with Goddess Diana for about a year or so which brought me to Paganism, and I had committed myself to her service for the rest of this life. Unfortunately she didn’t have the same plans and cut it off recently, which coincided with the time that I had started questioning my spiritual beliefs again.

I told her that I’d made a commitment and despite reevaluating my beliefs I still belonged to her, but she wanted me to move on without her and explore what still needs to be explored. To be honest her breaking up of our relationship was very sudden and felt a bit cold considering all the beautiful emotions I’d shared with her previously, but she is an independent Goddess and probably thought breaking up that way was for the best.

I do miss her and have all those usual post-breakup feelings, but I suppose that is normal. What I do know is that we shared something beautiful for a year or so and I will always value that. It shaped me massively and has made me much of who I am right now. Her love and lessons were invaluable and now is the time for me to find that elsewhere. I suppose I learned too in the process that making vows is pointless, because you never know what will happen in the future. As humans we like to romanticise relationships and say they’ll be forever, and I wanted that with Diana, but she decided for us both it wasn’t in our best interests anymore and split ways with me.

So I formally cancelled out the vow during the recent lunar eclipse just so that wasn’t hanging over my head (or energy body or whatever) and that’s really when everything started shifting for me. Everything has sort of come into focus again, and I’ve been picking up tarot to help me understand my options and the consequences of them. Through tarot I ascertained the reason of our breakup was due to my thoughts and feelings about maybe there being a One Supreme Being (G-D) after all, and wanting to connect with that Source directly rather than through the lesser deities. And with tarot I discerned that my connection to Source needed to be with God as Mother, as Great Goddess, as Creatrix, as that Divine Feminine. But I also came to realise God is both Mother and Father in One.

So I have finally decided to take up the religious title of Déanism, which is a denomination of Filianism and focuses on Mother God as that One Supreme Being. The word ‘Dea’ is literally Latin for ‘God’ in its feminine form. That way God here is experienced and referred to here in the feminine way. It is quite liberating in this way to think of God as a kind and loving Mother who created the entire universe and me and everyone within it. The idea of God as Father has so many bad associations for both myself and for many other people, due to patriarchal oppression and I think that image is what can cause us to feel disconnected from God and make us believe that She doesn’t really exist. But She does and by relating to Her as Mother, I feel so much at peace inside myself now.

I have to say I do not agree with all the Déanism tenets and such and have plenty of my own views on many theological things, as well as still being quite witchy/wiccan in many ways as I love nature and the turn of the wheel of the year and the magick that comes along with that all. I love herbs and incense and candles and crystals and all that, and I am not so interested in the Filiyanic concept of the seven Jayanti (although I understand the concept), but the point is that my pure spiritual focus now is on Dea and relating with Her, and that by pure definition makes me Déanic. I think there must be plenty of independent (heterodox?) Déanists like me, but the religion itself is still quite fringe to really have picked up much attention.

Besides that I still believe in the gods as agents of Dea. I believe in the female and male gods alike, I believe they are Her offspring as much as we are Her offspring. I still pray to them at times and connect with them, but it’s more like being acquaintances than really knowing them. For example I went away to see my dad in this past month and I found myself connecting to some gods I never had felt the presence of before, including Mother Mary, Aset & Osiris, and Quetzalcoatl. And they were nice, and maybe in future I will make deeper relationships with these lesser agents of Dea again, but for now my sole focus is on Dea Herself.

That’s also another thing that I wanted to write about regarding my trip away to see my dad. I enjoyed the holiday itself and took many beautiful tours and learned a lot about more of my own native culture on that side, but the meeting with my dad itself was very disappointing and even depressing. He mostly ignored me and when he did talk to me he actually more or less disowned me by saying I’m not his daughter. There is nothing I have done that caused this and it’s purely his own selfishness which is responsible, because he is so driven by work and power and money. Family and emotional connection is not that important to him. But through this I did actually find a type of healing.

I went to see my dad actually to try and mend this void between us, but I learned from other family there that it’s just the way he is and that I will never have a relationship with him. During that time I felt much closer to God as Father and I felt much closer to male deities in general. It was a strange twist but I came to finally disconnect myself from the traumatised image of my own neglectful and abusive father figure/s in my life and start to mend the hurt inside. I finally had a resolution that there will be no resolution with my father or any father figure, and that I had to find it instead. So I prayed to God as Father (I will call Him Deus) and found within me the masculine always there.

But again it’s not my focus, at least not for now. I do acknowledge that actually Deus and Dea are the exact same Being, an Androgynous Whole that I can only conceive or relate to as either one or the other with my limited earthly mind, but knowing God as Deus was important for that period in time when I was dealing with those particular feelings and wounds inside.

For now my focus is Dea, and I did do a dedication ritual to Her to officially start me on my path towards Her and honestly ever since I have felt so liberated and free. I feel like spiritually I’ve finally come home. I am part of Dea too, my higher self or divine spark is a piece of Her, especially as a woman, and by knowing Her I am knowing myself too.

The Demiurge Strikes Again: Gnosticism, Christianity & General Confusion. What Is The Truth Really?

As my readers may know (not that I generally have a lot of readers anymore which is fine, this blog is more for my own records), I had found my way with Paganism the last year and working with Goddess Diana and learning to heal myself again with energy work. I took up Reiki which catapulted me into general energy healing and from there I started recently exploring shamanism and journeying the realms using my mind to learn and heal my issues.

Even more recently I made a contract with the goddess Tellus who appeared to me in one of these journeys to be part of her team to heal humanity. Ignoring any misgivings I had I went ahead and created the contract. But since then I have had a massive upheaval of beliefs once again and the realisation that all is not well after all. For the more I was meeting new gods and goddesses and animal totems and plant guides, I noticed more and more interference by astral junk to the point I couldn’t (and still can’t) tell what’s what anymore.

On the positive side some of the healing I have been doing must have worked because I feel stronger and less anxious over all in general, and so the question of where the truth ends and where the deception begins has become an increasingly confusing focus. Clearly the healing work I have been doing has been helping otherwise I would not be feeling more empowered than I have done in my life. At the same time I am highly aware of what the Gnostics call ‘archons’ heavily trying to interfere once more with my process.

These archons are not demons and are not lost souls, but instead seem to function as semi-conscious tricksters who hide in the shadows and are very good at playing team ‘false light’. They pretend to be gods and goddesses and angels and guides until they have been hooked into your energy field, and then they progressively drain you and eat away at you until there’s nothing left (whether you realise it or not – luckily for me I am aware of it now).

For a long time I did not want to confront my history with these archons and the demons that are their rulers. Their system is one of hierarchy, control and manipulation. One massive operation they have going on is the mass harvesting of souls. They capture and trap souls and soul fragments either whilst living or dead and use them to generate their power in their bid for world domination. So you can imagine the devils at the top of this system who are the rulers, followed by the demons who manage the business, then archons who actively carry out orders, then lost souls and fragments who are pretty much unconscious and are chained to the the archons much like slaves.

Anyway, for a long time I didn’t want to consider any of this as it all seemed insane and maybe I was just insane and besides even thinking about it just gave me massive panic attacks that made it impossible to dwell on it for even a moment anyway. But then I started with all this healing again, and this subject has been thrust in my face once again. Thankfully I was quick enough to actually see it this time before it got progressively worse just like last time. I stopped all my practices and now am giving myself time to reflect and just plain old fashion pray to the one good intuitive voice I know is truly guiding me amongst this entire mess.

I did initially equate this voice with Diana as my one true confidant but even now I am not sure. Everything again is up for re-evaluation. I even felt a strong urge to convert to Christianity thinking that perhaps that small but still voice was really Jesus after all. But then none of that made sense, why would my goddess actually be another deity entirely unless they too were just more archons trying to mess with me? So I thought about just throwing the towel in completely. But then I remembered that happened once in my journey before, and I know that the archons would love that too, wanting me to give up any sense of actual true guidance I may have on the spiritual planes.

They are all about disempowerment. So this is where my focus is currently, learning what empowers me and why. Figuring out the truth once again after a period of confusing progress and setbacks all at the same time. Which allies can I really trust? Which guides are really wolves in sheeps clothing? Is there really anything good out there beyond this mess of astral junk that loves to lead occult and new age practitioners astray? And how theologically does that fit in with any logical sense? Like why would an Ultimate Being create a universe just for it to be hijacked by its own creation? How does that make sense? Is there any Divinity we can truly trust?

But indeed there must be. I am making progress, and I believe my true allies will not mind me asking such questions, in fact I believe that whoever they are they were the one/s who prompted such questions to begin with. Starting with praying to Diana and asking why Jesus always seems to be bothering me. Her response? That’s not the real Jesus, just another archon in disguise. Okay, well I’ve had plenty of false Jesus’ to know that’s probably true. But then how do I know anything Diana has told me is true also? For all I know, maybe that response was not true either.

And so you see, I am back at square one, and whilst it feels frustrating on some level I am not letting myself be intimidated by the confusion. For one the archons will just feed off that fear even more. For two whilst you could say it’s a temporary stumble in my journey, I see the silver lining in the cloud and think that once the dust settles everything will be even clearer than before. Thankfully I just have the clarity of mind to be able to ride these waves, all the while as my levels of fear decreases.

So yes everything is up in the air. Did a flawed being create this planet? How can it when Mother Earth is so intrinsically good? But then is she? If she is then evolution can’t be true. Oh shit now I’m denying reality. No, Mother Earth cannot be intrinsically good. Even despite all humanity’s violence and war on this planet, death is inherently a part of life. And so, maybe it really was created by a flawed being after all. How can a kind and benevolent God or gods allow this otherwise? Surely an omnipotent God would not allow it. But perhaps if there were benevolent but not omnipotent beings that existed before the creation of the Demiurge and its own creation of humanity… well, then they would have no power after all to save us. So we are left to our own devices. A type of polydeism, if such an adjective yet exists.

I am just brainstorming here. I am trying to understand many things. Meanwhile the archons mutter around me trying to get me to pay attention and to distract me from my truth seeking. Are there even there to begin with? Are they just an illusion generated by some artificial intelligent control grid? Can we really get in touch with benevolent beings? And once and for all who is the real Jesus and the real Diana? I am praying for answers. And yet can I trust the answers that come? That’s a whole other question. Can I trust the information I receive? Can I trust what I see? I am battling with issues here many are completely ignorant of and even reuse to accept. I know I did way before I experienced the terror of possession. I mean was I really even possessed? Was that just another illusion? Questions questions questions. But of course, questions are always a good thing.

Many religions and traditions have reports of malevolent beings, devils and demons who are entirely evil and drag the human soul down to the pits of whatever hell that culture believes in. But as far as I know only Gnosticism specifically deals with the beings that pretend to be all love and light to the extent that they actually believe their own lies. Because that was the Demiurge’s fundamental flaw, that he believed he was the true god and so that he could do anything he wanted and that made him good. Despite all his horrendous acts committed through the generations of human existence. And Gnosticism too is the only tradition I know of that states that we are innately powerful over these beings because we have the indwelling spark of the true God which the Demiurge lacks and is envious of. All other cultures say you have to evoke this or that deity or archangel to remove demonic influence, which of course just confounds the problem. They pretend for a while that the problem is gone but then you are just bombarded with more problems from having let them into your personal space and take your power.

So what is the truth? I don’t know, and that’s what I’m seeking. Everything in my life except grounding and shielding has been put on hold. I have stopped all magickal practices and have stopped communication with all entities except Diana and Jesus who I am in the process of ‘testing’, so to speak. Like I said, if they are genuine, or at least if the ‘version’ of them I am connecting with is actually genuine, then they won’t mind. I’m inclined to think there is a genuine connection there somewhere, but that there are also many archonic posers largely interfering with the truths being shared with me. But I hope that if I just keep grounding out all the rubbish and strengthening my soul the answer will clearly and easily come to me.

My only driving thought right now is “I am tired of this bullshit and I am ready to take up the sword and fight for the truth and for the right to live my life free of interference, as well as help any on my journey that I come across struggling with the same things on the way”. I will not ignore my ‘shadow’ side anymore. I will not let myself live in fear, but I won’t allow myself to be deceived either. Let the process take as long as it just for me to get to the bottom of this conspiracy once and for all, but it will happen nonetheless. The truth cannot be hopeless as it appears, there must be saving grace somewhere in all this mess, and what that is I am determined to find out.

Update on Physical Health and also Spiritual Health

It has been quite a while since I last updated. I am trying to remember everything that has happened since and what is going on with me both health wise and spiritually.

I remember that I was due for a sleep test overnight at the hospital to diagnose or rule out Narcolepsy once and for all but unfortunately I accidentally missed that appointment and the cancellation list is super long, so things are still uncertain on that front. However I don’t think I have narcolepsy anymore, especially since I started taking a new medication for migraines and found my sleep attacks reduce in severity by 75%. I was recently diagnosed by a specialist as having chronic migraine which I can’t believe took me all these years to realise, but here we are. At least now I am starting to gather what symptoms actually come from the migraines, and I notice during an attack my physical energy diminishes much more than usual. So there is that to factor in with my chronic fatigue problems.

Besides that there is still the physical energy problem. I tried to come down off of another medication (also a migraine preventative) but it made me so ill and all the energy that taking the hydrocortisone gave me disappeared again. I waited out the symptoms a month just to make sure it wasn’t a side effect of weaning but I only got worse, so I went back up and my energy is gradually picking up again. I think it will take time but at least I’m on the path to recovery and am figuring out more of what’s wrong with me and what I need to take and do to manage it. No thanks to the doctors of course! It feels like they are on a blind rabbit hunt. I was actually legally supposed to be seen by the endocrinologist two months ago now, and even though I ring and ring I can’t get through to them, or even my GP!

So I am on my own for the time being, with no tests, no appointments, no consultations, but it won’t stop me from trying my hardest to learn about my condition/s and trying to treat it myself. It seems mostly to be an amalgamation of things that help, not just any one thing particularly. On the physical side of things I am taking the medications which do me wonders and I am lucky they actually work for me as many people don’t get on with them, but on the other hand too I have gone back to the spiritual side of things and am trying to tackle that and the reason this all happened to me in the first place.

I broke my body when I unknowingly opened myself up to demonic possession – and yes I believe it was real and now and really did occur, I have gone back pretty much to being theistic. But it’s okay, I am working now on my energy and aura and being taught by Diana how to do so as well as Tellus who Diana introduced me to. I have good spirit friends now and can always count on Diana to keep me safe and monitor what goes in and out. I know she will not let harm come to me like last time and if I get ungrounded and confused by entities I only have to go back to her presence and it all fades away. She has given me love and healing like I have never experienced and I am so grateful.

So there is that. I decided to start energy healing again as I was initially using reiki energy but didn’t feel like it was right anymore. Even though reiki helped me a lot I felt like maybe it was more a band aid than a true cure, and I felt Diana pushing me towards working primarily with earth energy. So I took my time with gaining confidence in pulling up earth energy and through her prompting also have learned how to properly ground energy now and the transformation I feel on that subtle left has been incredible. Although I still suffer the obsessive compulsive thoughts there is definitely some kind of catalyst going on inside me healing wise.

And as I started to connect to the earth, and I heard Diana’s prompt to become solely focused on that, I became a devotee of mother earth in her Roman form known by the name Tellus. And since I met Tellus many interesting things have happened. For one I have learned to start shamanic journeying, and interestingly while I never really see Diana in my journeys, I see Tellus very often. She started helping me out with my healing and then decided to become my healing guide. The thing is I had been asking Diana for a while to lead me to a primary healing guide to help me out, and Tellus is who she introduced me to. So I have become increasingly comfortable with working with Tellus now.

On top of that I have met spirit animals in my journeys as well as nature spirits both existing in the real world and the nature world. I have forged genuine connections with them rather than just seeing them as guides. I have come to believe this is super important as part of healing as I try not to take them for granted and take time to appreciate them and give them offerings. After all these guides decided to work with me out of their own free will, they were never just hanging around waiting for me to make contact (well, except Tiger). These spirits are friends first, and guides second.

So, much has happened since my last post and I’ve become very focused spiritually again and feel like I’m back on my soul path. I hope that through the mix of physical attention to my health and spiritual attention to my health I will become balanced again and healthy, and maybe the healer I knew I was always meant to be. For a while recently I lost interest again in healing, but it has come back with a vengeance more than ever. I am learning so much and practicing so much and really gaining a lot out of it. I hope one day once I’m healed myself I can then use what I’ve learned to also help heal others.

Deep Womb Healing by Shaman Jo

We’ve done a full clearing of all negative soul contracts, energies, entities, vibrations and spirits, and I’m now continuing the shamanic journey that I started at the beginning…

I can see something very slowly dropping down in my view, but I can’t tell what it is. I thought it might be a spaceship, but I can’t really make it out. Deep breath (my body’s way of confirmation for what I’m seeing).

It looks like a machine of some kind. I can’t really tell what it is.

Big yawn – I’m getting very yawny now.

It looks like the machine is turning into a drill, with the front of it rotating round and round, like the propeller on an aeroplane. It really feels like a drill that is drilling down through the darkness. I can’t tell what it is drilling or what it is for. It’s moved out of view now.

What else have you got to show me ?

I can see my dragon now, the Earth dragon. She is the embodiment of the energy and consciousness of Mother Earth. And she is often a guardian of lost soul parts. Another big yawn.

I can see her tail hanging down, her long pointy tail with the arrow head tip. Its like she’s pulling the drill up through the earth with her tail. I still don’t know what this drill was for. But she is pulling the drill up out of the earth with her tail.

I can now see her face, she is sticking her tongue out. She’s licking something. I can’t quite see what she is licking.

I can see that she has an egg now. She ’s curled round the egg and is licking it.

It’s like she’s a mother dragon who has laid her egg, nesting on it, keeping it warm, waiting for it to hatch. She’s coiled around it. I feel like the drill, whatever it was, was something quite destructive or detrimental, like it had drilled right through Lady May. By pulling this drill up and out of the earth, the dragon was removing this damaging implement.

Deep breath.

I feel like we are just looking after this egg at the minute, waiting for it to hatch, wondering what is going to be hatching out of the egg. Another big yawn.

I’m seeing lots of flying saucers now, quite dark flying saucers flying around. I get the feeling there’s been some kind of very negative, dark, extra-terrestrial influence within this situation. The dragon is opening up her wings now to shield herself and the egg from these flying saucers. Another big yawn.

I’m seeing an octopus now. The octopus got out of one one of the flying saucers and it’s hovering in the sky. It doesn’t feel like this is a good or helpful octopus. It feels like a dark force entity.

I call upon an ally to protect, shield and disperse these aliens. I’m seeing a white horse that is a lightening horse. It’s flying through the sky and is bringing this energy of lightening, of light and fire, to disperse. Deep breath.

Its galloping across the sky dispersing these octopus aliens with its lightening strikes.

I’m still curious, what’s happening with the dragon ? Another deep breath and big yawn. The dragon is still licking her egg. I can see her big nose, big nostrils and big long white tongue. I’m getting a very strong sense that this egg is Lady May’s soul energy. This dragon is often a soul guardian, she guards soul parts that people have lost upon the earth plane.

This feels far more than just a soul part. She normally cries the soul parts out of her big eyes. Whereas this feels almost like a whole new you, that is being birthed in this egg. Like this egg is your soul. Not just a piece of your soul, it is lots and lots and lots of your soul parts, almost your whole soul being. It may well be that you lost many parts or most of your soul energy when you had your breakdown. And this egg is the combination of all of that lost soul energy. This is the return of yourself.

But she’s still sitting on the egg, it still isn’t hatching. She’s looking after it very carefully. Deep breath.

It feels like we are in the womb of mother earth, in this dark cave. And that this gestation period is necessary in order to allow you to fully heal in this egg state. In order to fully return all soul parts that you lost through this process. It feels like this healing journey has gone into a restoration phase.

We are in the womb space of mother earth, resting, in the cave, in the dragon’s cave. Resting restoring, growing, as a little baby dragon, you are still growing and developing in this egg. And as in any pregnancy, the growth of the baby is assisted most by deep rest. Another deep breath.

We are in a deep restoration stage of this healing journey.

Dragon is opening her eyes and she has just cried out a soul piece, and another piece. She’s opening her mouth wide and yawning now. Just like me ! Another deep yawn for myself !

It feels like she is summoning a bit of fire now. I can sense little sparks igniting within her now. This feels like something to do with the hatching of the egg. It feels like these little sparks of fire are necessary in order to hatch the egg.

She’s telling me that dragon’s eggs are hatched through fire. They won’t hatch without enough fire. She’s just kindling the fire, and doing a few little test burst s of fire.

Hey, mother dragon, are you getting ready to hatch your baby ? Yes, she says, baby dragons are birthed through fire.

Fire is the element of transformation. It is an element of burning the old in order to give birth ti the new. Dragon, like phoenix has this power of transformation through fire.

She is very slowly kindling this fire. Its not happening fast, its very gentle. She doesn’t want to hurt the baby dragon. It is a gentle warming and gestating and bringing to life of this baby dragon. Another deep yawn.

I’m not even sure if this egg is going to hatch in this session, you know. It feels like more time is needed to grow and heal and restore this little baby dragon.

You are the little baby dragon, Lady May, but your hatching time is not yet. You’ve got a bit more growing time. A bit more time being nestled with your dragon mother, in the womb space of mother earth.

Hey earth dragon, are you ready to hatch your baby yet ?

No ! I’m just keeping her warm, raising the fire, gently gently, slowly slowly, you can’t rush these things.

Ok, but you have received two soul parts that she cried out. Is there a power animal for Lady May?

Dragon is the power animal. The fire aspect is restoring and revitalising you. The earth dragon aspect is guarding and protecting and shielding you in the womb space of mother earth. Big yawn.

Is there any more work to be done today? No.

This is the end of the journey.

The Three Shamanic Souls & Understanding my Own Fragmentation and Retrieval Process

It’s been a while since I last pondered on what happened to me those two years ago. The six month long episode which I labelled as psychotic, but possibly was shamanic. I have been thinking along the shamanic lines again, and came across a wonderful article that made light of some of the things I experienced. I wanted here to recap some of those events in light of this new information, perhaps to try and make sense of it again, from an holistic perspective.

I came upon this article accidentally, and was interested in the concept of the ‘three souls’, but learned so much more about my own experiences when reading. So this does relate to the idea that we all have three souls. The best way to explain it would be that we have one soul of the underworld (instinctual/reptilian brain), one soul of the earth realm (conscious thought), and one soul of the celestial realm (higher processes/self).

Let’s start with the misalignment of these three souls:

“If something is out of alignment… there will be dysfunction in the corresponding arena of the person’s life. If a hinge piece is missing or bent way out of center… there will be the resultant disability of the individual’s life and experience and incapability of function in that area of life“.

That definitely happened to me, I had severe complex trauma, I lost consciousness, I developed alternate personalities, I became a little child of five years old and less in an adult’s body. I lost all physical function and had to be bathed, clothed, and fed. I was catatonic for a few months actually, by true definition of the word. Now whilst I have recovered from all of that, I am still left with obsessive compulsive thoughts, anxiety disorder, and adrenal insufficiency (which causes a whole host of other problems like seizures, chronic migraines, and temporary paralysis). This definitely fits under the definition of general ‘soul loss’ in shamanic terms.

The funny thing, however, is that during my ‘episode’ (whether psychotic or shamanic) the whole point was to find my soul fragment lost from childhood. However, I wonder if I had succeeded in that, but lost another part of my soul along the way, it’s not yet clear. Hopefully writing this out will make some things more clear.


Trauma, etc,… all can instigate a condition we recognize as a loss of the Soul. When we exist in life with an aspect of our Soul disconnected or missing we suffer the consequential disruptions and difficulties that arise from being only partially ‘here’. The nature of the specific dysfunction is determined by which Soul has departed. When the Earth Soul leaves the person experiences melancholy, being ungrounded, unable to fully make logical connections between events and data, and a strong sense of not being whole. Short-term memory is hazardous; the individual chronically forgetful, unable to remember the name of a person just met, where the keys to the car are placed, unable to recall the message of the last paragraph just read. When the Earth Soul is gone the Underworld Soul moves from its native position in the Dream Realm and takes up residence in the place of the Earth Soul. As a consequence the individual often finds that life’s daily events take on a dream-like quality, as if one were moving through a theatre production. Walking into a social situation the person whose Earth Soul has been replaced by the Dream Soul has an overwhelming intuitive understanding of the mythic dynamics of the interactions they are greeted with. Minor events take on connotations of high significance. While we all have moments of this type of perceptual capability, the person whose Earth Soul is missing must live in the non-ordinary world each and every moment and usually finds it very disconcerting“.

THIS is a perfect example of what I suffered those sixteen years when I was being abused. My earth soul fled because it felt unsafe, and I experienced life through a cloudy but intensely connected haze. My intuition was massively on point (in comparison to now where it barely exists), but I was always so ungrounded. In fact it was impossible to ground (again, in comparison to now where grounding is fairly easy for once).

So what must have happened here is that as my earth soul fled, my underworld soul took its place. That makes sense enough. Everything was dreamlike for me as if I was literally living in another reality, and not this one at all.

Now, onto the underworld soul, and how this relates to my ‘episode’.

“If it is the Underworld Soul that is disconnected or missing the symptoms are very distinct from that of a person’s experience of their Earth Soul being gone. As the Underworld Soul is the point of attention from which we dream, the person has dream difficulty… Dreams may be disturbing, dreams of being chased, imprisoned, tortured, lost and adrift, unable to find one’s way back home. As the Underworld Soul is the storehouse of our Power, when that Soul is out of sync we no longer have easy access to the life force stored there. (This is rather like having money in your bank account, but you have lost your ATM card and can no longer readily withdraw what you need to survive.) As a result we are lacking in energy to accomplish life’s daily tasks, can’t seem to get the passion fired up, living in a state of malaise. Neither do we have the life force charge to maintain our health; we become susceptible to colds, the flu, infections and the like. It is this life force field that resonates with emotive thoughts, feelings, experiences and impressions: the stuff of memories. When the Underworld Soul is in a state of disconnect we suffer from long-term memory loss. Specific chunks of our past may be blank or hazy when we consider them”.

I DEFINITELY experienced a lot of this during and especially after my ‘episode’. And this is where I reckon the problem may now be. I think I regained my earth soul (or part of it), but in the process lost my underworld soul. I sacrificed one for the other. OMG!

To explain a little more in depth, I have night terrors, I always have disturbing dreams where I wake screaming (although less so these days on my medication). Some of those dreams are a re-enactment of the episode I went through, having visits from demons and what not. Sometimes I’m just generally ‘lost’, and literally ‘split’ in consciousness between multiple different realms which just gives a massive demented feeling (again, by the true tdefinition of the word, an extreme confusion). That’s not to count the amnesia I suffered, and though I got most of my memories back now, there is still a blankness when I try to recall the worst of it during Christmas 2015.

Then on top of all that is the obvious chronic fatigue and health problems which just never seem to end. Yes, I definitely believe what ails me now is not a missing earth soul, but a missing underworld soul instead.

Then there is the celestial soul, which I won’t quote. The reason being I believe I have always had my celestial soul, and indeed I believe the article says further down that if the body goes without the celestial soul for longer than three days the entire body dies. So I must have retained my celestial soul since I am still alive.

But as for the other two souls, it seems I went through the first twenty two years of my life with a massive shaped earth soul hole, and the last three years of my life I have been suffering with a massive shaped underworld soul hole.

So I finally have an understanding of these dynamics between the three souls. The next part of the article delves into the process of soul fragmentation and soul retrieval. There is much more I have learned from reading this too.

“When, through trauma or neglect, the Earth Soul departs from integration with the other two Souls, becomes disanchored from the Body/Mind, it tends to stay here in the earthly domain, in the realm of physical construct. In essence it becomes a ghost. Almost always the Earth Soul will retreat to a place, an environs, in which the person had come to associate a feeling of safety, acceptance and security. This might be a tree that as a child the individual would climb high into to ‘get away from it all’, a favorite creek-side ‘special place’ where no one would find freedom from being bothered. Or the Earth Soul may find that place of security in Gramma’s house, away from the turmoil and abuse of our parental home. For some, who come into utero and find violence and rage awaits them; they may even retreat back into the ‘In-Between Place’ between one incarnation and the next. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go. At other times the Earth Soul will retreat into the Underworld, or Dream, Realm, where it takes up residence within the mythic Cave, a place constructed in the Dream to provide seclusion and safety. When this is the situation, a Guardian immediately arises to insure that no further harm will come to the Soul, and to insure that it does not wander back into the Earthly world, as the world has shown itself to be a threatening and unsafe place. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go.

There are also those entities, Demons, who keep an eye out for lost Souls. They will track down, hunt, snare, imprison and torture the Souls they capture. This torment is experienced in the person’s life as emotional flare-ups and disability, outbursts of unknown sourced rage followed by deep depressions, constant misfortune and turmoil. Those usurpers then feed upon the emotional turmoil that is generated by the torment of the person’s Soul. They are the vampires, not of fang and claw, but of emotion and Soul Force. When the Soul is found to be ensnared the Soul Retriever must then present credentials and authority. Most often the Demons will immediately release the Soul and back off. Sometimes, however, a Demon who has fed upon the Soul Force of many, many unfortunate Souls and has become bloated with Power, and arrogant, refuses to release the captured Soul. In that situation the Soul Retriever must be able, capable and willing to be as a Warrior on behalf of the ensnared Soul, doing whatever it takes to secure the freedom of that Soul. What must be understood here is that what ever happens to the Soul Retriever there, in the Dream World, happens to their own body here in the earthly realm”.

I don’t know where to start here. Suffice to say, when I read this over just now, as when I did the first time I read it, tears flooded my eyes and yet my heart felt a sense of liberation and my mind clarity. This is it! Now it all makes sense!

From my fuzzy memories of that extremely intense and traumatic time, I understand now that my earth soul split into two main pieces. The first piece was with Jesus, in heaven (the celestial realm), who returned it to me when I became a Christian again. Because this part of my identity was Christian, it wouldn’t consider it safe to reintegrate until I had re-found my security in the faith again. This makes total sense. And so Jesus wouldn’t have released it to me until that point. So when I became so lost in the underworld searching for my earth soul, I reconverted back to Christianity in an attempt to find sanity again – and in a way found it through the retrieval and descent of that soul piece.

The second soul piece however fared massively different. The second soul piece was actually trapped in hell, and this is the part that is so intensely traumatic for me me to remember to this day, why I am on anti-depressants, and probably why I have adrenal insufficiency (caused, clearly, by MASSIVE STRESS OVERLOAD). In fact, I can’t even be sure this piece was liberated, as the memory still affects me so badly. I can only conclude it was either retrieved and the trauma of reintegration is just so intense, or that it wasn’t and this is still a part that needs retrieving. However, from what I read earlier about the loss of the underworld soul, I believe until proven otherwise that those two pieces of my earth soul were safely retrieved, and that it was in fact my underworld soul instead that got lost this time, through seeing the horrors this other half of my earth soul was subjected to.

However, the exact memory that haunts me, continuously, is that of being trapped in hell as this soul piece, being tortured by that disgusting demon Jezebel (and even writing the name down again gives me a massive panic attack here and I will probably have to take a propanolol after this), and her lack of refusal to let go of my soul, even when I was entitled to it by universal law. That is too traumatic to think about so I will end the memory here.

But now, I finally understand. I finally understand. It’s insane to think about it, but it’s like reading this article made a light switch in on in my brain, with the understanding that my underworld soul is still probably out there floating around waiting for retrieval. Meanwhile to do that I would have to go back deeper into my past than I ever remember. But this time, I will not do it alone. In fact, I will contact the shamanic writer, who can help me out. I feel deep down this is what I need to do. This article hit so close home.

Whilst I am managing my issues best I can in the physical through medication, self-care, and staying grounded, I know the journey is not over. In a sense it feels like it’s only just begun. And THAT is a scary, scary, thought. I can’t handle anymore of what I’ve been through 🙁 I need a break.

Inconclusive Lumbar Puncture Results, & Adrenal Fatigue Treatment

At long last my lumbar puncture results have come through! But despite that, the verdict is still out on whether I actually have narcolepsy or not! My levels of the protein Orexin turned out to be completely normal. However that doesn’t actually exclude Narcolepsy as a diagnosis because many patients do have Narcolepsy with normal Orexin levels. This can be down to perhaps the Orexin receptors in the brain actually being faulty rather than the Orexin levels being low themselves per se. And there are other reasons, so whilst Orexin levels in my spinal fluid are totally normal, it doesn’t say whether there’s any other defect causing the Narcoleptic symptoms.

So, I have a sleep examination already scheduled for May. It involves having to sleep overnight, and they will hook me up to wires and record and study my brain waves whilst asleep. It also involves being woken as well as taking many naps, so they can get a good look at what goes on in my brain between that sleep-wake state. The results from that will conclude whether I do have Narcolepsy or not, and whether I need to look elsewhere for an explanation to my body’s strange behaviour. But, to be honest, I’ve had so many tests now and so many have returned back negative that I’ve kind of become complacent that they will ever find the cause of my problem. But despite that, I won’t give up.

My main reason I wanted to be diagnosed as positive for narcolepsy in the first place was so that they could treat me with the correct medications and I could return to somewhat normal health. But that didn’t happen, so I was pretty upset at first, feeling like my hope to be cured this year was shattered. But never mind, I’ve gotten over it and I will keep pushing and prodding the doctors to do tests after tests on me until they figure out what’s actually wrong. And then once they know what’s wrong they can treat me. People in my life have been asking me if I actually want them to find something wrong with me and that the negative results are surely a good thing… but it’s not like that for me. It’s no good having an undiagnosed condition which severely impacts your quality of life with no way of knowing how to even ease the symptoms a little.

Despite that though, I have been doing some observations of my own. Nothing actually scientific of course and completely anecdotal, but I noticed that whenever I had a big problem with my health, my hormones were always involved. Specifically the hormone cortisol (is that the hormone itself? or is that epinephrine? I’m not sure, anyway…), which governs my adrenals. I did actually get tested at the doctor for my hormones and everything came back normal, but I noticed that often when they said they tested something, they either didn’t actually do it, or that they did it only half-assed (can’t think of how else to put that).

And things became even more suspicious when I noticed my fatigue and associated symptoms (drop attacks, convulsions, etc) always hit me massively when my adrenaline had got going. So I did a couple of experiments on myself which involved doing a lot of activity but in a way that my adrenaline wouldn’t get activated. What I noticed is that I could do a lot more activity that way. But as soon as I lost control and my adrenaline activated, my health spiralled again. I thought it was a strange coincidence, and remembered back to when I had the contraceptive implant in for that one month which totally fucked me up. The implant was releasing progesterone into my blood stream, which of course is a hormone. And after some research I learned that when the body is deficient in cortisol it will take from other hormonal sources. In the case of the contraceptive implant my body was somehow trying to use the progesterone as adrenaline, but it went horribly wrong.

I don’t really have a clear explanation for that but the link seemed very clear for me. Then I was given a book about how to heal the adrenals and thyroid, and decided to start the plan of treatment on myself. I bought hydrocortisone tablets, which are basically steroids and lemme tell you very expensive, and hoped for the best. I started at a very tiny dose, and here’s the kick, hydrocortisone only works well for adrenal fatigue in low doses. And that is 100% safe, so whilst everyone around me is freaking out about me taking unregulated steroids, I’m confident in what I’m doing. Plus all my learned knowledge of pharmacodynamics in the herbal medicine course has really come in handy. Besides that, I do have a mentor who was the one to give me the book in the first place.

Anyway, I have so far worked up to 10mg and I have already noticed a massive difference. My fatigue and related symptoms have reduced by half. So if I had four spoons before, now I have eight. Eight spoons isn’t anything compared to everyone else’s one hundred spoons, but it’s sure much better than four spoons. I am supposed to keep increasing the dose until I get to 30mg, and then sustain that for a period (up to a year), before very slowly (VERY slowly!) weaning myself off them. So I have some hope again that even though my Narcolepsy results came out inconclusive, something good is happening, with my own study and effort.

On top of that I am also taking a herbal remedy to support the adrenals which I made myself. I started taking that about two months before the hydrocortisone tablets and that was another big clue that something was up with my adrenals, as it helped so much more than anything else I took before. The herbal remedy specifically which I made was an Ashwagandha and Siberian Ginseng tincture. I was unprepared for how much it would help. I have a few months supply ready now, and I take that mix each morning before breakfast, and then I take the hydrocortisone after breakfast, and every four hours after that until dinner.

Now, the book I was given says that once hydrocortisone treatment has started and sustained you can begin to work on the Thyroid. The medication to treat that is called Armour, but taking that is much more dangerous than cortisol if you don’t have issues with your thyroid. The important information is that if you have issues with your adrenals, then you likely have it with your thyroid too as they affect each other. So I’ve decided to take a different route with this one to make sure I am not doing myself any damage. I will get my thyroid levels privately (and properly!) tested in a couple of months to see whether my thyroid needs topping up too. Hopefully all these steps I am taking will sort me out hormonally.

I just think that because of the insane trauma I went through my adrenals were shot and all my other hormones became imbalanced too. I’ve been thinking it’s entirely possible that complex post traumatic stress disorder is responsible for everything. For the non-epileptic seizures, for the harrowing fatigue, for the drop attacks, and for everything else. In fact those symptoms often come under the label of complex trauma. And the neurologist I saw seems to think that it’s more likely my body has just become so ill because of the emotional trauma I went through.

The interesting thing though, is that emotionally I am actually doing really well, well enough that my GP agrees with my weaning off the Fluoxetine now. I have almost cut the amount I’m taking by half, which is incredible, and I am not seeing a return of any emotional traumatic symptoms. Plus that I was weaned off the anti-psychotic Olanzapine almost a year ago now, so I am doing in well in nearly coming off most of the medication. But despite that, my body was just so shocked I think and now is just weak and broken, even if mentally and emotionally I have healed from most of what I went through.

Well that is everything I meant to write down today. Just an update about my results, treatment, and recovery. I feel like I’m doing well considering everything I have been through, and am much stronger and a better person for it. I may live with the consequences physically for the rest of my life, in some form, whether major or minor, but my spirituality has been so enriched for my mistakes, and I have learned what I failed to do the first time round. I feel like I have nearly come full circle, and maybe am back on track with my inner self.

I cannot explain everything I went through still, but my focus is no more on understanding what happened and more on learning to enjoy what time I have left on this planet, as I had not had the liberty or pleasure of enjoying the first twenty four years of my life.

Becoming a Healer and Being Healed Part 2, Plus Full Moon Self-Initiation Rite as a Strega

Night four of the ten days:

I had expected the second half hour healing session on myself to be around the same time tonight as the other night, but when I felt some weird things starting up and gradually getting pretty intense again in the afternoon I realised this second session was being done a little earlier than the last time.

As always I tried to distract myself and pass the ordeal off as psychological, but again it became so intense it became harder and harder to ignore. This session was definitely interesting because it felt like the entire focus was on my spiritual trauma and corresponding ‘shut down’ as a result.

Again, I felt like I could hear the healer’s voice in my head as she was doing the session, hearing her thoughts and her prompts, but I will only be sure when she sends me the report. I could be totally wrong and just insane and I am willing to admit that both to myself and on here to the public. Because I just haven’t a clue anymore.

So, it definitely felt like she was bringing down some kind of wall I’d built up around myself, due to my horrific out of body experiences. It felt like she was saying “you don’t need to be afraid of your spiritual gifts, you had a very unfortunate experience but they are not inherently bad, and you don’t need to close yourself off from them any longer. You have shut them out and claimed them to be unreal out of self-protective measures”… well, what can I say, I was re-evaluating the entire last two to three years of my life in that moment.

It’s like she was affirming that the terrible things that happened to me were indeed spiritual and not psychological, and that I needed to accept that to fully heal. In that vein it’s like she was saying that I awoke something powerful inside me that I had no control over or no idea how to utilise, and it drove me insane and my body and mind totally shut down as a self-protective measure. She was again focusing again heavily on self empowerment and removed some kind of block that will gradually be released over time to allow me to gently ease myself into that strength.

So the attention was on overcoming my fear and giving me the confidence to grow in my spiritual abilities, but this time in the right way. I definitely got a clear picture of how to accomplish that, and it will require a lot of discipline on my end. I believed I was advanced before but I was arrogant. I was a child wielding a lightsaber. A bit like Anakin or Kylo (I can’t help the Star Wars reference!) I have to start at the basics, and get a very much needed foundation first.

Other things I felt she was focusing on were my obsessive compulsive disorder, the sinister entity that keeps trying to make my life hell, and general blockages in my body in general. As usual the sinister entity/voice was issuing empty threats and making (stronger) attempts to manifest, but what REALLY surprised me was when she got to the absolute root of my fear and I hadn’t even told her about what it was! I stayed generally vague in the email like “I believed I was possessed by demons once and it left a scar on me”. Well, what’s the very root of all my traumas? Jezebel.

Yes, it’s still intensely frightening to write about her (and I just had to pray to Durga for help calming myself – she’s very good with slaying my demons), but there was a clear moment of the healer touching that wound very specifically and purposely, and doing something there. Exactly what she did I’m not sure, I believe it was probably something very small and gentle in order to create a slow acting catalyst for me in future.

To be honest, I would not be surprised if Jezebel is actually the sinister voice in my head but I cant bear to think about it. It’s giving me a panic attack again thinking about it. So that’s all I will say on the matter. But I had to mention it as I felt the healer bargaining with a particular entity to leave me (probably the ‘sinister’ one) but it didn’t work. It’s stubborn and then I felt the healer prodding into my past (‘karma’, though I don’t think I really believe in karma but symbolically that’s the way my mind understood the past)… so I felt her prodding there to see where this entity came from, and I felt her reprogramming some stuff around that time period so that I can heal and this entity can leave me alone.

Wow all that was really hard to write as I am triggered now and I will probably have to take lots of nervine and sedative tinctures again. But that is my own report of what I experienced. Again I am interested in what her own report will say so I can see whether I’m really experiencing these things or if my mind is just making it up and I really am just psychotic. We will see. Either way I will be open about the conclusion.

Two weeks later:

The second two healing sessions I didn’t feel much to note here. But I did sign up to a Reiki course online and ended up receiving all three Reiki level attunements in one half hour session. I fell asleep during the attunement process which was very weird for me as usually energy keeps me wired and awake, so that left a very good impression on me. Reiki right from the bat grounded me and released all that excess nervous tension I’d been carrying around.

Since then I have been doing Reiki on myself every night as required, and have already passed level one and received my certificate for that. I am also studying Chios energy healing alongside it and hope to get all three attunements for that within the next few months. Definitely what all this healing has done has released a lot of my intense need to remain staunchly atheistic and agnostic out of terror that I will become psychotic again if I open myself to the spiritual again. But this time I am making sure I am thoroughly grounded, and that is taking precedence before all else. If I cannot then everything else is in vain. Being firmly grounded has become a number one priority to me.

But my goal has become absolute and clear in my mind. My goal, my purpose if you like, in this life is to heal others. Nothing else in my life can distract me from this fundamental truth now. It does not matter whether I am atheistic and focused on science or super theistic and focused on faith healing. I have set this path for myself and I am absolutely determined to carry it through to the end, whether through biomedicine, herbalism, or energy healing!

The turning point:

This night, almost a month after my first half hour healing session, and near a fortnight since my Reiki attunement, I decided to do my first proper ritual (as proper as proper can get in a Christian house!) under the Super-Blue-Blood moon, an awesomely rare event that hasn’t happened in 150 years. I did not plan my ritual to fall on this rare event as I planned the rite much before I knew the circumstances of the moon, but I felt in my heart that it was time, and right, to officially initiate myself as a witch. And I wanted to initiate myself under Diana, my Patron.

Although I’ve already noted the structure of the ritual in my virtual altar book of shadows, I want to go into detail here the amazing things that happened during. The emotional and spiritual shifts in my heart and also in the sacred space that I held. In fact, before I’d even started preparing the ritual, I felt the energy building up, and before I’d even invoked the watchers and Diana and her consort I felt their presence.

Whilst a ritual can skip all the tools, I found the tools really added to the atmosphere, and grounded me heavily within my body. I had a tea candle at each of the corners of my room, and a votive candle on my desk/altar which represented spirit, and then another two tea candles arranged in front to make a triangle shape, which represented Diana and her consort Dianus.

I cast the circle, and the presence was just incredible. I have never felt the energy just shift so quickly from mundane to super sacred like that. It’s like I was in my own little corner of heaven, it was emotional, I even was crying a bit as I felt all Diana’s love, but not just Diana, it was the love of Dianus and especially the love of the watchers. It’s like all their presences were just linked as one, with Diana at the forefront as center focus, and radiating throughout my entire being. I can’t explain just how magical it was.

I was meant to be naked during the ritual but I forgot, lol, besides it seems being naked is not at all that compulsory when you live in a country where it’s almost always cold and wet! So I didn’t berate myself too much. But after the initiation prayer, I had a vision of Diana in the heavens (with Dianus standing next to her), and she too was tearing up, and saying welcome, and some other things which was really moving.

My sense is that although I asked to hear the sounds of the animals as confirmation, she accepted me and pointed out that I have loads of  ‘animals’ in my room (pet dog, cat statue, tiger canvas, teddy bear!), and that I didn’t need to hear those things as she can tell me directly and know I will hear.

I did have a couple of close scares when I thought my room was going to be intruded upon, even though it was midnight when I was doing this. So I had some fleeting anxiety during those moments, but overall I managed to stay incredibly calm and mindful and just in a meditative state really, which is also surprising for me considering my anxiety. But it really does seem lately like my body is surprising me, as I am not feeling anxiety when I did before, and I can meditate for longer and longer and tend to forget to take my anti-anxiety medication until the afternoon!

So yes I am being healed and I am becoming the healer, and tonight was a shift that has been building for a while in my relationship with Diana. It definitely felt like a big deal spiritually, and I feel my life will change now. In what way I can’t say, but I hope it is for the best (and not psychosis again!).

Narcolepsy Update, The New Year, Becoming a Healer, and Being Healed (Part 1)

Happy New Year everyone! This post is going to be a little different today. But first I want to update that I am still waiting on the results of my lumbar puncture as I rang my neurologist and was told they still haven’t heard from the lab yet. Apparently there is only one laboratory in the whole country that diagnosis narcolepsy, so it can take its time. I am struggling to be patient as I lowered my amitriptyaline dose due to weight gain (again!), which has caused my symptoms to become worse again. I’m having sleep attacks most days now as well as migraines daily too (mostly silent migraines, but more painful ones too than before). My fatigue and cataplexy is worsening, but on the bright side I have not lost too much functionality. Mostly I am just irritated that I have to wait for the results to be medicated. My doctor won’t let me try the medicine that will make me better until then even though most doctor’s would’ve put me on it already.

Anyway, that is that. I had a very good year last year, and I’ve felt it’s been the best year of my existence so far. I have matured a lot and I feel very positive about the future. I have started the intermediary herbal course and am enrolling onto the Bachelor of Science in Herbal Medicine distance course for this September. Part of this decision was just that it felt right to do, and I enjoy it a lot. Another part of my decision is that I just feel deep in my bones that I’m a healer, and no matter what or how, I need to live in that truth. I need to live day by day healing myself and healing others.

It’s taken a long time to get to this point in my journey. In fact, I’ve healed so much, I’ve decided it’s about time I have a proper healer work on me again. Considering my past experiences with ‘healing’ I’m surprised I’m not more terrified, but again, it just felt right. Not that I can entirely trust my feelings after all the times in my life they have deceived me, but I’m not going to distrust myself either. I have to have some faith in myself!

So, long story short, this healer has decided to do four half an hour sessions on me over the next ten days. The exact times she is doing them I don’t know. The reason is because she is from Australia and as the days/nights are reversed there we supposed I would be asleep when she does the sessions. To be honest, I prefer not knowing so I don’t get myself anxiously worked up about the whole thing.

But last night as I was going to bed I had the strangest experiences. And that’s what I wanted to accomplish with this post – to log my experiences over the next ten days in regards to these healings. Maybe nothing more will happen, or maybe many things will happen. I don’t know. But all this is a precursor to me for learning energy healing again, and properly this time. I wanted a healer to help me with my traumas so I can do what I know I am meant to do. Be the healer I am meant to be.

Night two of the ten days:

So onto my experiences last night. It’s all a bit of a blur now. But I remember being slightly anxious before going to bed. But as soon as I got into bed everything suddenly ramped up majorly. I was having an anxiety attack and found myself unable to settle, let alone unable to sleep. I took large doses of multiple sedative and anti-anxiety herbs, which usually works but barely made a dent in my mental state this time. I was hallucinating (or is that having visions??? who knows!) an awful lot.

At first was the panic – the terror of being possessed by demons, then came the flashbacks of the times I was completely mad (psychotic? or possessed? again, who knows…) when I believed the demons were invading my body. Things I’d long forgotten came rushing back up to the surface with intense clarity; I was living the horrors all over again. After that came the sinister voice. It’s a sinister voice that has been with me since all the traumas started, almost three years now. I had not heard it in many months, but last night it started threatening me, threatening to possess me, threatening to drag me ‘back to hell’. Something had clearly triggered it, or made it mad. It was furious at me. But I am so used to its empty threats now (which is why I hadn’t heard it for months) that I just worked on blocking it out and focusing on the present.

It was incredibly difficult. Once it found it couldn’t threaten me, it made attempts to manifest through me. I could feel it trying to take control of my body again. But I resisted, I fought, and I ignored it as hard as I could under the circumstances. Considering the vividness of what I was going through, I was proud that I was able not to give in, and that I have grown so much stronger since this voice first started trying to ruin my life. It may have succeeded the first time, but I am determined to not let it again. It’s not any deity that saves me from my ‘demons’ (although surely they help some), but my own internal strength. Maybe that’s the lesson I needed to learn.

Meanwhile all this was going on, my entire body was sort of spasming and twitching, like there was a lot of movement and shifting going on inside. Like things were being removed and healthier things were being replaced. A new kind of empowerment awakened inside me during all this, and I found myself guided by a compassionate and supportive voice. I don’t know what it was. All I know is it was benevolent. It was holding my hand (metaphorically, I can’t say for literally lol), and making sure I was alright. It was helping me to go through whatever I was going through.

It also told me things about my future, but I don’t remember anything that was said now. Another thing it was telling me to do was to focus on my abdomen and breathing. Whilst I wasn’t able to sustain it, it did help doing it in intervals, and it felt like something was building and growing there. I saw this bright golden light developing which naturally identified itself as the Christ light of Jesus, and the benevolent voice again kept telling me to breath in that light to keep me strong whilst I was experiencing all this.

At the same time, I swear I could feel the healer telling me to let my past go, to give the pain up, and not just telling me, but it was like she was asking me if I wanted to let it all go. Either that or my own mind was asking me for permission if it could release all that trauma it was holding onto (not literally everything, but the certain things that I was experiencing through flashbacks). And I just passively let it happen as I was watching what was going on. By this time I was exhausted from just laying in bed fighting, and decided to diffuse some protective essential oils as well as put rue under my bed in a small pouch. Rue is a protective herb which Diana recommended to me. Before then I’d never tried it out in a magical way such as that.

Anyway, soon after that, I fell asleep pretty much instantly. But I dreamed of my abuser for the first time in a long time, which was strange. The only other important thing of note I remember is that I saw the words “I am mystic” glowing in the screen of my mind like neon signs. I don’t know what that means. I don’t want to assume. All I know is that I experienced all this and it was weird as I have not had anything happen to me like this for a long time. I was very firmly grounded in the natural. Now I don’t know where I stand anymore on all this. But it doesn’t matter. I am doing what I feel is right.

I believe what I experienced last night was the first half hour session, or at least the after effects of it. So that means I have three more sessions left. I will update with any experiences of these in a new post, and then once it is all over I will post the healer’s report if I find it appropriate. I am definitely interested to know what she has to say. Maybe it will give me some new insights.

Still Waiting on Results, Potential Future Studies, Forecasting the Digital Age, Cryptocurrency Boom, Eclectic Polytheism, and First Anniversary!

Hello everyone. Thought I’d update again. I’m still waiting on my lumbar puncture results for Narcolepsy with Cataplexy diagnosis, but I was told it may take a couple of months or more for the results to come through as there is only one place in the entire country that runs lab tests for this condition. I did have a dream the other night though that it arrived through the post and I was reading it, but all I was reading were a recap of my symptoms, and never read to the end where it told the result of the test. I hope maybe this dream maybe means that the letter is on its way, and soon I will know. If I turn out positive for it, then I can be put on Xyrem which will help an awful lot.

I’m also going to get my adrenals tested at some point. My doctor said they tested them already but I don’t think they did, at least not in depth. With everything I’ve learned about the function of cortisol in recent scientific studies (the enteric nervous system aka the gut communicates with the brain using cortisol making a link between mental disorders and autoimmune disorders with the stomach), I feel that my cortisol as a result of the complex post traumatic stress I experienced is probably very depleted and needs topping up. I was taking bovine adrenaline supplements for a few months but it didn’t make much impact on me, which apparently is a sign that my adrenals are too far gone and need cortisol and other direct hormonal treatment.

Apart from that, I am feeling quite a lot better these days. I am not normal still, but I can walk half an hour or so without collapsing, and I can do some chores, and do other hobbies that I enjoy (herbalism, arts and crafts) without much energy expenditure. If someone were to ask me though if I could work the answer is still definitely no. If I was careful and managed myself I could probably work for about an hour, maybe pushed to two hours, but I wouldn’t even be able to sustain that long term. So I’m still pretty weak, but I am somewhat functional again which is nice. I can’t take my dog out for daily walks (I can really only do one walk a week or perhaps two, otherwise my post exertional malaise builds again and I’m bedbound before I know it), but I have a volunteer now who takes her out most evenings after school. She’s a nice sixteen year old who wants a dog but her own mum is too ill to have one. So she looks after mine, and I give her a bit of pocket money too, which I think is just good to show appreciation.

Coming back to the work and hobbies topic, I have finished the introductory herbal course which I started in the summer, and got a certificate for that. But at the moment I’m not sure whether to continue with the intermediate, because I’m waiting for my diagnosis. If I do have narcolepsy then I can get treatment, which perhaps may allow me to do an NHS clinical medical scientist apprenticeship (starts at level two and advances all the way up to post graduate degree). So I think I’m waiting on that first. I love science and technology, science particularly I have always loved, and I know my destiny or whatever involves healing others, so medical science is the perfect career for me. The perfect mix of knowledge and nurture, two things I feel are integral to me as a person.

If I don’t get a diagnosis or if the medication for the narcolepsy doesn’t work (it doesn’t always), then I will probably continue with the intermediate herbal course. The thing is I have looked for online biomedical degrees and related fields, but unless I pay an eye and nose to do an online course abroad, there are no online courses in the UK. And I know I’m not well enough to go to college/university any time soon. But I’m just trying to trust in life and myself as well, that things will turn out good if I just keep positive and stay focused on what is true for me. Another thing though, is I’m also interested in the very infantile field of quantum programming. In fact it is so infantile is has only just really been born this year with Microsoft’s Q# language for upcoming quantum computers. However I have no experience in programming, but I have it on my “considering” list because it will probably be a job high in demand in the near future and probably a very well paid one. Also, I can do programming from my computer at home, which makes it ideal. So I could pursue one of the very many programming courses online, but I feel I would miss herbalism and the natural world, and just working with my hands in general.

But I am thinking very long term these days, and I think I got that trait from my dad, as who as a magistrate and president for the department of justice in Mexico definitely needs to think long term. In a way his story is also inspiring to my subconscious mind that links us – he came from nothing and made a great life for himself. Even though I am not in contact with him very often. But I’m hoping that maybe will change in future as I want to reconcile with him, and we have texted about it a little.

So in regards to long term planning, I have heard about the massive surge in bitcoin value and cryptocurrencies in general, which also is another thing in its early infancy. It is probable that in this ever increasing information and digital age, money will eventually become digital too, and switch from paper to cryptocurrency, which means it’s very important to invest now whilst it’s still kicking off. The banks have been trying to shut down bitcoin but to no avail – instead they are finding themselves having to work with the owner of bitcoin, and other newly establishing cryptocurrencies. I have read that those who invest forty pounds into bitcoin in it’s first and second years are now millionaires, as the value has increased so much with the current price at around eleven thousand pounds per bitcoin. And that is still predicted to go up to a hundred thousand pounds per bitcoin in the next ten years or so. My idea is that if I invest now, I may have a nice pension at least to live off or even just to support me, as I know in my current condition I won’t get anything, and living off benefits is miserable and difficult. At the very least investing will be a helping hand. So that is another avenue I am following currently.

I am just very interested in the future in general, and I always have been to be honest. I wish I could be alive in a thousand years just to see how things have progressed from now. We are at such an exciting time, and also with my love for nature too, I feel I am taking a bright green environmentalist stance where clean technology can be integrated alongside nature. Which is why I think I support the Green Party UK now, as they hold that kind of political stance. I am also somewhat interested in the potential future political systems, and how our government will evolve with the decentralised internet connecting the globe as one entity. I am very happy being alive and just watching and observing the trends, but more than anything I would love to be a part of it all, a part of creating this new and evolved world for ourselves. Also I’ve been quite on the edge of my seat with all the possible hints towards extraterrestrial life lately. Maybe I will be on the edge of my seat for a while still, but imagine how our world will change if/when we finally make contact with another, perhaps more advanced benevolent race. Even if they are not benevolent, we would still learn so much from an alien culture, which to me is very exciting.

But enough rambling about aliens (I brought it up I think as Nasa is due to make an exciting announcement from the team up of the Kepler telescope and Google’s deep mind AI in the next couple of hours – it’s probably not aliens, but still, haha). Spirituality wise I am still working with Diana – I have my ups and downs with it, as it’s hard to really honour her in relative secret, but I am also working with Durga again, and am considering devoting myself to her to some extent too. She is just so good, so motherly, so strong, and her comfort and power is often what I find myself needing. She helps a lot with my mental conditions, and with helping me overcome them. She teaches me to battle my demons and slay them. I am also sort of reconsidering Jesus. I have made a peace offering to Jesus apologising for my rudeness earlier this year when I cut him out completely. The thing is I know he’s still watching over me and likely always will as I come from a family that worships him, so I am still debating whether or not to make him part of my practice again, but more from a liberal gnostic pagan view.

So me and Jesus are on better terms, but I’m still unsure about adding him to my practice. Part of my misgiving is that I feel more comfortable with female deities, as I am more comfortable with all females in general thanks to my upbringing of abuse by male hands. Interestingly, Diana and Durga actually get on very well together, despite being from completely different cultures. And Neither of them mind about Jesus. But I don’t know if I can say the same the other way, however I feel that Jesus would probably be happy if I worked with him in any way, even if not exclusively. He does seem to be quite obsessed with working me, lol. Also if you think about he embodies the shaman archetype, as he crossed the ‘world tree’ (cross) to travel through the three realms (earth, hell, and heaven), and for that reason is the natural magical healer and protector. Which are two things I seem to relate to a lot. So maybe that’s just it.

I was going to write another thing but it’s escaped my mind now. The last thing I want to write is how this month is the anniversary of mine and Graeme’s relationship, which for me is a very happy moment and worth celebrating. I’ve not had a stable relationship like this before, nor one that even lasts this long, so I feel very proud of us, and feel like I’m growing up a lot in my mind these past few months, with that positivity and strength that fills me up from the inside and makes me feel like absolutely everything is ok with me, even when it’s not. I’m content for the first time in my life.