With Spring comes Love, and with Love comes Healing: Exploring the Daddy/Little Girl Dynamic

Happy almost spring to my followers, Candlemas has passed and Ostara is on the way. The temperature is warming outside with Valentine’s Day being a whopping 14 degrees Celsius, which had me sitting outside in the sun with a sleeveless top catching some rays! Although I do put the earlier warmer temperature down to global warming which is definitely not a good thing, it does feel nice that spring is in the air anyway. The early spring flowers are blooming such as snow drops, celandine, primroses, violets, and daffodils. I love the feeling it gives me, it’s like I can smell the new hope in the air for the future. Even though I enjoyed winter, there’s something that feels different about this spring to previous springs I passed.

It is true it could be due to having broke up with Graeme, but as my heart would have it, I have ended up falling in love again totally unexpectedly. It is funny as I remember I did a love spell literally the day after we broke up to find new love by spring, and I joined dating sites for that but I got tired and closed all my accounts down and forgot about my spell. But it was still working in the background anyway it turns out! And that closing my accounts down was more Divinely inspired than I realised as I ended up shortly reconnecting with a friend online that I was in contact with before I met Graeme. It was not planned or expected although I had feelings for him all that time ago, this time the feelings were way more intense than I’d remembered and at first I thought because we live so far away from each other that we would just not really do anything about it again.

But my heart and the universe it seems had other plans and I just fell in love all over again and it suddenly became something I had to pursue and knew I wouldn’t be happy unless I had made it become reality (of course if he desired it too). The connection was just so intense, finding myself experiencing a lot of feelings I hadn’t before. And how ironic that we reconnected just after I decided I was done with the feminist movement and pretending to be a lesbian which I wasn’t. I am bisexual, I was just hurt with men and somewhat brainwashed by lesbian radical feminists that all men were evil whether they knew it or not. So it’s like I had to work through that first and then I could fall in love again with the right person (who turned out to be a man). I don’t think I would’ve been so open to reconnecting otherwise since I had been flirting with the idea of female separatism.

The radical feminists can do their own thing, but I guess I am just not one anymore. I learned so many things from them as a whole but I was disappointed by the way they treated each other (and the wider community as a whole) and besides there is something else that basically makes me a traitor to the radical feminism movement now. And that is the fact that me falling in love again has not turned out to be ‘vanilla’ dynamic for lack of a better term, but instead a Daddy Dominant/Little girl dynamic. Writing about it does make me feel a little embarrassed but I figured I should get over it at some point since when you love someone so much you just want to talk about them, it just turns out when I will refer to him as my Daddy now. Not everywhere but I think I feel safe enough on this blog to do so.

Anyway this is why I can’t consider myself a radical feminist any longer because I know the Dd/Lg dynamic is considered pedophilic and incestual and predatory which is completely understandable. But it is entirely consensual and between two adults and it’s not really something I want to fight since something inside me wants to explore this. Also it did just progress organically on its own, and I guess that happens in life. Life always amazes me with its plot twists!

So what am I? I haven’t a clue anymore. Labels aren’t important I suppose, it is just an entirely new shifting of understanding my own self-identity in relation to the world around me. The questions I have been asking myself to get more clarity on what I should now believe that my mind has been exposed to new concepts. It was also another reminder to myself that we never do stay the same nor can we, we are always changing, and as they say change is the only constant in life. And just at a time when I started to feel more sure of myself and what I thought myself to be, I was smacked in the face by reality again and given another wake up call. But I have kind of gotten used to it now. I have a lot of Pluto energy in my natal astrological chart, and as it is in Scorpio in First House that makes it secondarily dominant alongside Mercury (My dominant planet being Venus of course which explains my lifelong focus on understanding and experiencing love as deeply as possible).

Talking of Pluto, I have compared our charts and there is also a lot of Pluto energy going on there which isn’t surprising. As a Pluto dominant I guess my relationships will always have a lot of Pluto energy flying around as well. There is Pluto-Venus which is the twin-flame marker, but also this time unlike in other relationships there is a lot of steady Saturn energy which is a breath of relief. I am hoping that means finally this will be the long-term love I have been waiting for. Intense and passionate because of the Pluto yes, but steady and stable because of Saturn.

And so this is what it has turned into, a need to be together and cross that distance and make a life together no matter what. I am so hopeful and excited though insecure at times as I am used to men abandoning me these days. But I feel through all those times I was abandoned I learned a lot of much needed lessons too which has brought me to this point where I finally feel like I am ready for something real. And too not to mention it’s not just romantically I’ve been abandoned but in a fatherly sense, growing up with an abusive ex step-father, and then being disowned by my biological father after never seeing him most of my life. So with my recent re-acceptance of the Divine Masculine or God as Father, has come an entirely new opportunity to explore that side of life again in a safe place. My inner child feels loved and wanted and finally has someone to call a Daddy where never before I had. I never remember growing up and saying the word ‘Daddy’ with anything but feelings of fear and I certainly never said ‘Daddy I love you’, only once when I was forced to so again it was a fearful situation. So being able suddenly to have someone I can call Daddy in such a loving way feels like the healing my soul needed all this time without me having realised. It was a sense of “I never even considered this before but now I am exploring it, it just feels so right”. And that is what is happening.

I also believe it links to my age regression after the psychotic episode I had which left me with dissociative identity disorder. I told my therapist this and she thinks it highly relates. The Dd/Lg community is not always to do with age regression but there is some of that too depending on the specific needs of the couple. Of course I am not age regressed anymore but I think due to having been age regressed I am more sensitive to my inner child in a way that most people might not be. And so I can feel her reemerging these days with Daddy but in a much healthier way, a way which allows me as the adult to remain in charge. As they say in the multiple community, Adult me controls the head space. But little me has some free run again now.

So it may seem weird from the outside but it gives me such a feeling of freedom I can’t really express, a feeling of being able to revisit the past and rewrite it. And that is healing and a beautiful feeling, and I think it also takes a special kind of man to be okay with that and want to nurture it. I feel so lucky and sometimes have to mentally pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming because even though he was not at all what I expected, he is what I never realised I desired more than anything.

So yes I am very in love and this is what this post is about. I have fallen in love again and I feel very optimistic, because my love spell worked and spring is on the way and everything is syncing up right now in my life. I am so grateful for the Goddess for listening to my prayers and helping my magick manifest in the way best for me. Maybe the last relationship didn’t work out, but I look back already now and think it was for the best. And the Goddess knew it, and I know that because ever since I have become devoted to worshipping her, she has done nothing but brought the best into my life.

Happy New Year: Practicing Love, Forgetting About Feminism, Remembering the Divine Masculine, Health Update, & Pleiadian Origins

Happy new year to all my readers and I hope this is the year all your dreams come true. I definitely hope that for myself as well!! It has been a long and hard few months, with depression turning up on my doorstep again at times and demanding attention. Anxiety too has been off the charts at times with panic attacks and full on dissociative attacks as well. A lot has changed especially with the ending of my last relationship and it’s been very difficult to navigate through life at times. When the one person who supported me the most is suddenly gone it made me realise how much I didn’t even know I relied on his strength. It has been a tough journey of trying to find my own strength in the void he left behind inside.

I am not yet ready to find new love or a new relationship, but I can sense something is on the horizon for the future. Most likely the more distant future rather than the near future, but the feeling gives me something to look forward to and to hope in on the days things get tough. Love does make you stronger absolutely and it’s not a bad thing to desire that. I think the unhealthy thing would be becoming dependent on it, which I think I am doing well with healing in that regards. But I do have a lot of new friends I’ve met recently online and they keep me going. I’ve surrounded myself with nice people and have prayed to Déa also and she has brought people into my life to keep me going. Déa is always so good to me and she always answers my prayers. I am not used to being heard but she always hears me and I feel so blessed and grateful.

Lately more than ever I am trying to walk the path of love and compassion and peace and kindness and harmony. I am trying to love with all my being, I am trying to make the world a better place in my own way. I have a gratefulness journal that I write in most nights and I have been reading and listening to much more positive spiritual inspirations which expand upon how to live and embody love. It is beautiful and I’m glad that despite the breakup I have not lost sight of what love feels like but have even deepened my expression of it in another way. And I feel like where there is love there is no separation between anyone, as love is that which bonds together.

Unfortunately, even that hasn’t been easy at the best of times. With making more friends includes making more potential enemies. Not intentionally but there are always people you will find you don’t actually get on with in the end or that you’re actually a pretty terrible match. I’ve had some people I’d considered friends to betray me and stab me in the back. I’ve also had complete strangers calling me all sorts of nasty slurs due to having developed radical feminist ideas which painted me automatically evil in their eyes. I have been trying to respond with nothing but love as much as I can, and it’s been a battle. It’s been a battle that has wore me down and realised I need to take time out and get back to my center, to my spirit.

See, I found myself as part of the feminist community due to my interest in the Divine Feminine. I found peace in God as Mother and empowerment for the first time in myself as a woman, created in Her image. I loved it. And I naively believed all feminists were loving women who built each other up, just as I had found myself built up inside. But I was wrong and I learned that there is nothing more than serious infighting going on within the feminist community, where hating others for having different opinions is almost fashionable and where little real empowering seems to actually go on. And so I’ve been feeling heartbroken at what a mess we have made for ourselves as women and feeling like we have just completely missed the point when it comes to validating ourselves as human beings with equal rights. It is not right women tell each other to die out of spite because they don’t agree with a post. These were some of the things I had been dealing with myself. It has been very depressing.

So I have decided to take a step back, and in doing so I have managed to somewhat disconnect the image of the Divine Feminine now from femininity in general which has been twisted by humankind. And I realised if I can do that with the Divine Feminine I can also do that with the Divine Masculine. What has happened then is a kind of breakthrough with being able to easier accept God as Father in a totally loving and non judgemental way. Because He is not the patriarchy. He has only been conflated in my head with the patriarchy my entire life. But now I can begin to dissociate that image from him.

Goodness is not gender specific as I have learned because neither is evil. Humankind as a whole has the potential for both within but God is above all that. God is The Good, as the Neoplatonists call it. And anything that is not good does not come from God. Therefore it makes sense suddenly that these distinctions I have given to male and female energies don’t particularly make sense anymore. Father God and Mother God are both loving, compassionate, wise, protective, nurturing, strengthening… these traits are not gender specific, they are just The Good expressing Itself through two primary Forms. The God and The Goddess. Father God and Mother Spirit. The Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine. Logos and Wisdom. Déa and Deus. Both are separate and yet One. Praying to one is praying to the other. And from our Heavenly Parents is born all life. The Goddess birthed us in her Wisdom. The God programmed our biology with his Word. They are the ultimate template for creation itself and neither are single parents.

And among all this discovery and at times difficult healing I am learning new things on my spiritual path. I have been corresponding more with Aphrodite who is teaching me more about how to walk the narrow path of divine love, even though she has not let me formally devote myself to her. I do not know why that is. But even though I have made a lot of spiritual progress lately, I have actually been feeling a bit deadened to being able to connect to the spirits themselves. Perhaps it is part of the depression I have been struggling with which is dulling my psychic senses. But despite that I am taking good care to look after myself and my body during some of these difficult times. Perhaps I am just going through a fallow period or strengthening in other areas of spirituality and having a break from my usual face to face spirit work. Either way I am growing in new ways I never considered to be possible before and I’m loving it.

I have also started therapy again, this time private. I have been enjoying it so far and been getting a lot of benefit out of it. Going through my entire mental health history was laborious and embarrassing at times but it is one of those things that need to be done so she can help me to the fullest extent of her ability. She’s very hands on based and uses a lot of arts and crafts in her therapy sessions. I enjoy that because it makes it playful and sort of appeals to my inner child and makes the inner work much more palatable. In fact I have a scrap book where I will get to store all my creations in relation to my psyche which is a cool idea so I can look back on it in future and see how far I’ve come. I just felt like it was time again to have therapy to keep moving forward in my life and so I don’t end up going backwards instead due to the breakup. I needed that support which I got from my ex before and decided a therapist was the best idea. So that is one part of self care I am glad I followed through on and I am all the more better for it.

Health wise I have my narcolepsy overnight sleep exam coming up in just under two weeks so I hope that brings a final conclusion, I have also been able to wean down a little on the hydrocortisone as I feel my adrenals are healing. The fatigue and symptoms I experience have not gone entirely but when I first started taking hydrocortisone I could only walk half an hour once a week. Now I am walking an hour or two about an average of four times a week. That is a massive improvement and I’m so proud of myself and glad I decided to treat myself this way. The doctors have been no use at all, saying I was meant to be seeing an Endocrinologist within five days as it was apparently classed as urgent but I was told that almost exactly a year ago now and I still haven’t seen him, and nor will I for at least another six months or so I was told. This is quite awful service as adrenals are no joke, their acting up can be life threatening, so I may just file a complaint with the NHS. Thankfully, it seems that my adrenals aren’t the main cause of my problem, but certainly have had a lot to do with my chronic fatigue conditions.

Now besides that there is one other thing I wanted to mention. I had found myself thinking about the Pleiadians yet again and grudgingly admitting to myself that yes I am a Pleiadian, and I even got a starseed astrological reading to confirm it, which it did. I always knew I had a connection to the Pleiades and I still know it now. And I have been attempting to make contact with my Pleiadian soul family. I’ve not had much luck yet with establishing a go-to ally, but I have met some strangers from the Pleiades here and there. They are lovely beings and I decided I love that I am Pleiadian after all, as it especially explains so much about me. So I am definitely also in a period of learning about this part of my spirituality too. My origins, my karma so to speak, my soul purpose, and my personality. It’s no surprise that I’ve had a lot of problem with negative Pleiadian entities and I think that is due to my past life as an actual Pleiadian. I don’t understand the ins and outs specifically, all I know is that it’s time for me to deal with this karma and connect finally to the truly Divine Pleiadians whom wish me nothing but love and peace and harmony. And I cannot wait to get to return to them when my life here is up.

On a side note I have been having a lot of visions lately about being specifically a Pleiadian Mermaid. That is totally surprising to me as I prefer the Earth as an element than Water, but I have always had a strongest connection to Water when it comes to working directly with the elements. For example when I cast a circle, water is always so willing and eager to come through and help me. The others take a bit more coaxing in their various degrees.

So that is a little update to where I am now and what’s going on in my life. I hope I have remembered to put everything down and I apologise it’s been so long since a proper update. But overall the message is I’m doing okay still and am working towards a better future. Things may not always go how we want or expect, but we can still try to make things easy and happy for us despite the external circumstances that might make things hard.

The End of a Relationship, But the Beginning of Something New

I think the title expresses it well, and I’m not sure exactly what I want to write down here, just that I know I want to write something down. Maybe I will learn new things about myself and my journey along the way. It is all one big journey and this year has been… well, very interesting in many ways. Whilst I wanted to write about the breakup, maybe it’s better to rewind a little first and write about the events leading up to it.

I was feeling very spiritually connected for the first time in a long time, and I had what I can only call an illumination experience once again, paralleling that of the one I had back in 2013. Though this time I did not see any spirits, but I was connecting to Mother God in prayer, my heart and soul crying out for something, something I could feel but could not name. And in that moment her light descended and flooded into my body and I experienced a Unity that I had long forgotten existed. I experienced God.

My spirit allies had told me before this point that something like this was coming, but I took it with a pinch of salt. I try not to put all my trust in what spirits say as they can be notoriously deceptive and often you’re not really communicating with who you believe you are. But yet they turned out to be right saying that a turning point in my life was arriving, and that I would experience rapid healing.

Well after that night of unification with Mother God my energy really started returning in massive waves, with me being able to do twice as much than before. I was really astounded and couldn’t believe it. Whilst it’s not like a full healing, it really feels like the beginning of a true healing process on all levels. I feel like from here I can only get better.

Then the break up happened, out of nowhere. I had been with my ex for almost two years, and the topic of commitment inevitably came up which I wanted, but he couldn’t provide, and it was too painful for me to keep hanging around, so I let go and we part ways. This was only a week or two after experiencing that unification with God.

It makes me wonder why relationships seem to always be the catalyst towards spiritual experiences? And not always good either. Through that period of uncertainty during the break I also had some return of old psychotic symptoms. In fact I was terrified I would wake up the morning after the break up and be totally immobilised in health and energy again, but alas, and thankfully, that wasn’t the case. I woke up fine and with the still high energy I had been finding myself riding the wave of.

After the official breakup, I said something instinctively which before I had only said to spirits I had purposely called into my space for devotional before. I had no idea why I said it, I just said “hail and farewell” to him as if he was there with me, and in that moment an entire energy double of him stepped out of my body through my heart and left. It was utterly astounding, and also extremely painful. But after that, the worst of the grief was gone.

But don’t get me wrong, some periods can still be quite difficult. I don’t even think it’s been two weeks yet. But considering how much I loved him and how long we were together I feel like I’m coping quite well. Sometimes I feel his energy return to probe me and I just don’t let it back in, because it’s not good or right anymore. That cord has been cut.

Since that happened, it just felt like the energy that had left me left an empty space in my heart where my own lost energy which had returned from his love and healing had room to enter and start to fill me up again and make me healthier and whole again. And so this is why the whole set of events was very mysterious indeed. I had an experience of unity with God, which was given room to integrate through the outcome of the breakup. Hmm, like I said, mysterious, right? Seems a little bit too coincidental.

I had some spirit allies say we were twin souls blablablah that our relationship would turn out fine but I’m done with that kind of thinking these days. I mean, if you think about it, if it were true, then this would be a separation stage where healing has to be carried out individually, and the set of circumstances that lead up to my illumination and subsequent breakup would make more sense. But I have experienced the same thing in relationships past and so I really can’t pretend to put any wishful thinking on it.

On one hand, I am totally confused and just mystified because our relationship was literally so perfect, we rarely disagreed or had arguments, we were so supportive of each other and had so many things in common. He looked after me at my worst and saw me at my worst, including periods of temporary paralysis where he had to carry me up the stairs to bed, and other similar situations. But his fear of commitment just turned out to be greater than his love for me in the end I guess… who knows…

Well, I did a love spell because I was so ready to settle down and now I just sort of feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff. I did the love spell to find the next perfect soulmate before next spring (and this time I made sure to be more specific with my manifestation request lol), and the wax itself showed a lot of emotional cleansing to happen before it could happen, which makes sense after being in a relationship that long.

But my dreams keep confusing me. Dreams that we will reunite and stuff. I am putting it down to unconscious wish-fulfilment, and dream dictionaries generally say these kind of dreams are a good sign of moving on due to the experience of closure. But then again some of these experiences are quite spiritual, and in one Déa said we would either reunite in the next few months if it turned out to be right or I would really find a new person, someone much more suited for where and who I am now.

I don’t know honestly but I do know that I learned a lot about love and I want to keep that going and deepening my experience of it. Not just in romantic expressions either but in familial expressions and global expressions. I care so much more than ever about people and the earth and about just becoming a living embodiment of love so that Déa can shine through me.

Don’t get me wrong, damn it’s hard sometimes. People can be rude and unappreciative and sometimes I just feel totally invisible despite having only the best intentions and wanting to help. But I try my hardest to remember that we’re all only human and only a little bit of love may seed the same in someone else’s heart.

So really throughout all this as well, I found my life purpose. It’s to love people. It’s to love myself and love others and love the world, and just be an embodiment of love, and that’s it. It’s really that simple. All this time I had been thinking my life purpose had to be grand yet in fact it is the simplest and most humble of all. Love is self-sacrificing for the greater good. And whilst that doesn’t mean neglecting ourselves, it does often mean putting others feelings and needs over the selfish desires and agendas of our own (within reason, of course, this is definitely not something you’d do in a situation of being abused, for example).

And it’s interesting because I learned that Venus (who represents love) is my dominant astrological planet which makes Lady Grace (Sai Sushuri) my Patron Janya. And yet as I sought to connect with her I found a friend in Aphrodite who has taught me much already in only the short time I have known her. And She considers Herself an emanation of Déa, just as all the gods are really. She considers herself an emanation of the Love of Déa.

So it is really nice to have found another goddess that I am thinking of becoming devoted to. I never thought I would be devoted to more than one Goddess. But now I am devoted to Hekate, Déa Herself, and maybe soon Aphrodite!

So yes despite the strange and heartbreaking circumstances regarding the end of my romantic relationship, everything else is perfectly fine in my life and is in fact thriving more than ever and I hope to use everything I learned throughout the relationship either as a direct result or indirect as a catalyst to keep me reaching towards that ideal of being my highest self. And that doesn’t mean being perfect, but it means being compassionate, and modest. As they say the Fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control, and many of these Fruits correspond with the Janyati.

And the Spirit Herself is Déa, because Déa is the Creatrix in Motion, the Breath of Life itself that keeps existence sustained.

Blessed Be and Blessed is She.

Becoming a Priestess of Hekate, Joining the Déanic Ekklesia, & Healing Within Personal Relationships

Rayati and happy witching hour. I’m unable to sleep and decided it was a long time since I last updated my journal and thought now is the time to do that as it’s a very auspicious time in my life and in the world in general where many changes are happening both within and without.

Rayati… It means “hail to the sun in you”, as Déa is considered to be like the Sun. Déa is the Great Goddess and whom I follow these days in her many different faces. I’ve come to understand that the Divine is all the same Divine but expresses itself in different forms. The gods and goddesses we know are different forms of that one Divine Source.

And I know that One as Déa, the Great Goddess, the Daughter, the Mother, and the Absolute, who in Wicca is known as the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone, or in Shaktism is known as the Creator, the Preserver, and the Destroyer. The archetype of the triple Goddess is found throughout history from triple Brigit to Triple Hecate.

Ah Hecate, my new Patron. She is the Goddess or the face of Déa that speaks to me the mostly clearly, who inspires my devotion so much. She teaches me so much and is such a soothing and protective presence in my life. In fact she too was seen as a triple Goddess in many different ways. Sometimes she was Persephone-Demeter-Rhea, other times she was Artemis-Selene-Hecate. There are many unique variations but she fits the mythos of the Madrian/Filianic/Déanic Faith very well.

Hekate is a saviour Goddess, like the Holy Daughter she descends as Persephone to bring peace to the lost souls of the deceased. Hekate is a Mother Goddess, she is called the Mother of all the Gods, the Mother of All, and Hekate is also the Dark Mother, which is the face most people recognise her by today (but yet in fact is not that much part of her identity when you really get to know her).

Hekate is kind and compassionate and she had initiated me into her service as a priestess. This was a big step for me and in response I became legally ordained so I will one day be able to exercise the fullness of whatever may be required of me. Whilst I am still in a learning period, I have been on my spiritual path for seven years now and feel that I am ready to be granted this honour.

My gifts are expanding greatly, my ability to heal and manifest magick within this world, my ability to connect with Spirit and need for constant devotion and relationship with my unseen allies is all that drives me. I am finding my power and finding my talents and my discernment is increasing as I try my hardest to avoid the pitfalls of what made me so ill in the first place.

Yes I believe that my chronic health conditions are caused or were triggered by the trauma I went through, but I feel lately I may be on the mend, even if it’s only a little. I feel more hopeful and inspired than ever before, I have a few projects going on spiritually and non spiritually and am feeling like during this Samhain on the waning moon with the planets in retrograde at the time my body is renewing its (menstrual) cycle a lot of shedding is happening. Like a snake I am wriggling out of my old skin so I can keep growing.

It’s hard definitely at times. I still get sad and depressed and angry, I’m only human. I still get confused and baffled and offended and all other manner of things. I am not always good at managing myself as I think I am. I had to go on a break with my boyfriend in a way because of it. We were unsure where our relationship was heading and the confusion made me need space. I don’t know if it was a good idea but it is done. And yet I still feel like everything else in my life right now it is something that will turn out okay whatever happens. That it’s continuing to build a long forgotten strength within me.

Relationships are hard and it’s the same with any relationships, as I try to become more love focused which is Déa’s way, I just find myself confronting a lot of things about myself I don’t like or didn’t know I carried. Things which show up for recognition and then healing through conscious change. There’s no use in changing the world if you can’t keep in harmony with the people closest you first. And that’s my lesson right now. I have to keep myself focused on making the little world around me better each moment I can. Even if it’s just a smile or forgiving a grievance…. Forgive them Mother for they know what they do… And forgive me for my unrighteous anger. I no longer need to carry around that pain of abuse with me.

But it takes time to let go, it is not just a one time thing. But through conscious awareness and through utilising magick and developing my healing gifts I’m getting there. I became attuned to Seichem lately which seems to have created yet again new awareness within me. I fully believe it’s part of my mission to be a healer and a priestess in some form or fashion, even if it’s just through this blog. So I am learning and I am devoting myself to study, I am reading so many books and reading the sacred Scriptures of the Madrians (The Clear Recital), I am learning so much and am happy and proud to find myself here, on this path of searching, healing, transforming, and connecting.

And it is not just spiritual connection that is important, although it has been my sole focus for many years. Now I am part of a community, I am accepted into the Déanic Ekklesia, I am a sister and I feel like I’ve found my home. I have found my place and I’m excited to see where this will go and where else I will find myself on my path.

I am finding understanding a larger truth of love, something I thought I’d grasped years ago but now I realised one can never truly grasp love, because it is beyond consciousness. One can only ever grow closer and closer to love in relationship. And one way is through Déa, and yet another way is through community. And again another way is through relationship. Love is the only reason we are here, at least, I know that’s my reason for being here!

Love is the greatest lesson, in love we can do all things. Love is Déa and so in Déa too we can do all things. Our Heavenly Mother has her arms open waiting for the world to hear her call again. I don’t know if the world will remember, but the few of us do here and there, and I know that at least pleases her.

So happy witching hour and happy Halloween, and cheers to the new coming phase of my life which feels to be full of only positive and inspiring energy.

Happy Harvest Moon and Autumnal Equinox

Today is harvest or Mabon and the full moon is near full illumination. I spent most the day very productively, first by reading The Clear Recital which is the Filianic/Deanic scripture, and then by pruning my plants as it’s the season for the old to be shed so the new can later grow. I also did a massive clean up in the same vein and harvested some lavender leaves to dry and later use as medicine as well as a way to connect with the Lavender Queen who is now my plant familiar. After that I did a beautiful ritual honouring the Goddess both as Supreme and in many of her different manifestations or rather Avatars that I felt prompted to pray to.

Regarding rituals I don’t really tend to call the elements or the four quarters anymore. I know I can if I want and the motions are ingrained if I ever feel the need but it’s rare that I do these days. I’ve found that a circle isn’t needed to make a sacred space as a circle naturally comes about in a mundane space when spiritual work is being done. So when I say ritual I mean more like devotional. My spirituality has become very devotional lately and all I want to do is get to know the Goddess and please her, as well as serve her. I recently was initiated by Hekate as a priestess (she says I am now a full priestess but I say I’m a priestess in training as I’m not that confident lol) of the Goddess and Hekate is now my new Patron goddess.

For a while I didn’t have a Patron and was honouring just the Goddess directly. But I found I didn’t really have the tools or knowledge to effectively connect the way I wanted and I prayed to Hekate on the dark moon as I had been doing already for a while and she just kind of took over my spiritual life and my spiritual focus. She has given me direction and the ability to see again and connect with the goddess. Hekate is the priestess of the Great Goddess and now I am a priestess of Hekate.

I never thought I would end up devoted to Hekate but it just naturally happened. She has taught me so much already and lets me there is still so much to teach me. Persephone and Demeter are also highly worshipped alongside Hekate as in ancient times when they were considered a Triplicity, and I think Hekate will reveal to me those original Eleusinian mysteries. In fact I think she has already begun as I honoured Persephone tonight connecting her in my mind to the harvest, but she turned out to not be what I expected at all. She was definitely more a goddess of spring and love especially and I have no idea why I felt so afraid of her originally.

Persephone also had a twice born son called Dionysus who was also highly revered in the Orphic mysteries, though I don’t know how much he was revered in the Eleusinian mysteries. I will have to look that up. But as can be seen I’m still very much polytheistic and pagan and working with the Greek gods especially alongside worshipping and honouring the Great Mother as Supreme being. They are not separate and being Deanic aka believing in God as Mother doesn’t mean I can’t see other goddesses as emanations of her as well. And so today I had a beautiful day learning of Dea in the Clear Recital and then bringing that beautiful inspiring energy to my day and harvest ritual. In fact I believe part of Filianism may be derived from the Eleusinian mysteries with Demeter representing God the Mother, Persephone aka Kore representing God the Daughter, and Hekate representing the Dark Mother. So the two belief systems are entirely compatible with each other.

So this is where I am in my spiritual life right now, my beliefs and practices are a mish mash of everything especially since my Animal Totem is the Mayan Jaguar Mother whom connects me with my ancestors on that side, but it works for me and my focus ultimately is on the Goddess/Dea aka God Herself both directly and indirectly in her many different forms. Including animal forms!

So may my readers be blessed reading this and I hope you had a wonderful Harvest just as I did.

Believing in God, The One, Again, as Mother; With a Side of Healing the Masculine too

A lot has happened since I last updated here (I think I write that every time I post lol! My life is just a bit crazy). My spiritual path for one has had a change. My actual life too has been through a lot but I wanted to start explaining what has changed with my spiritual path the past month or two.

As my readers may have been aware, I had a beautiful relationship with Goddess Diana for about a year or so which brought me to Paganism, and I had committed myself to her service for the rest of this life. Unfortunately she didn’t have the same plans and cut it off recently, which coincided with the time that I had started questioning my spiritual beliefs again.

I told her that I’d made a commitment and despite reevaluating my beliefs I still belonged to her, but she wanted me to move on without her and explore what still needs to be explored. To be honest her breaking up of our relationship was very sudden and felt a bit cold considering all the beautiful emotions I’d shared with her previously, but she is an independent Goddess and probably thought breaking up that way was for the best.

I do miss her and have all those usual post-breakup feelings, but I suppose that is normal. What I do know is that we shared something beautiful for a year or so and I will always value that. It shaped me massively and has made me much of who I am right now. Her love and lessons were invaluable and now is the time for me to find that elsewhere. I suppose I learned too in the process that making vows is pointless, because you never know what will happen in the future. As humans we like to romanticise relationships and say they’ll be forever, and I wanted that with Diana, but she decided for us both it wasn’t in our best interests anymore and split ways with me.

So I formally cancelled out the vow during the recent lunar eclipse just so that wasn’t hanging over my head (or energy body or whatever) and that’s really when everything started shifting for me. Everything has sort of come into focus again, and I’ve been picking up tarot to help me understand my options and the consequences of them. Through tarot I ascertained the reason of our breakup was due to my thoughts and feelings about maybe there being a One Supreme Being (G-D) after all, and wanting to connect with that Source directly rather than through the lesser deities. And with tarot I discerned that my connection to Source needed to be with God as Mother, as Great Goddess, as Creatrix, as that Divine Feminine. But I also came to realise God is both Mother and Father in One.

So I have finally decided to take up the religious title of Déanism, which is a denomination of Filianism and focuses on Mother God as that One Supreme Being. The word ‘Dea’ is literally Latin for ‘God’ in its feminine form. That way God here is experienced and referred to here in the feminine way. It is quite liberating in this way to think of God as a kind and loving Mother who created the entire universe and me and everyone within it. The idea of God as Father has so many bad associations for both myself and for many other people, due to patriarchal oppression and I think that image is what can cause us to feel disconnected from God and make us believe that She doesn’t really exist. But She does and by relating to Her as Mother, I feel so much at peace inside myself now.

I have to say I do not agree with all the Déanism tenets and such and have plenty of my own views on many theological things, as well as still being quite witchy/wiccan in many ways as I love nature and the turn of the wheel of the year and the magick that comes along with that all. I love herbs and incense and candles and crystals and all that, and I am not so interested in the Filiyanic concept of the seven Jayanti (although I understand the concept), but the point is that my pure spiritual focus now is on Dea and relating with Her, and that by pure definition makes me Déanic. I think there must be plenty of independent (heterodox?) Déanists like me, but the religion itself is still quite fringe to really have picked up much attention.

Besides that I still believe in the gods as agents of Dea. I believe in the female and male gods alike, I believe they are Her offspring as much as we are Her offspring. I still pray to them at times and connect with them, but it’s more like being acquaintances than really knowing them. For example I went away to see my dad in this past month and I found myself connecting to some gods I never had felt the presence of before, including Mother Mary, Aset & Osiris, and Quetzalcoatl. And they were nice, and maybe in future I will make deeper relationships with these lesser agents of Dea again, but for now my sole focus is on Dea Herself.

That’s also another thing that I wanted to write about regarding my trip away to see my dad. I enjoyed the holiday itself and took many beautiful tours and learned a lot about more of my own native culture on that side, but the meeting with my dad itself was very disappointing and even depressing. He mostly ignored me and when he did talk to me he actually more or less disowned me by saying I’m not his daughter. There is nothing I have done that caused this and it’s purely his own selfishness which is responsible, because he is so driven by work and power and money. Family and emotional connection is not that important to him. But through this I did actually find a type of healing.

I went to see my dad actually to try and mend this void between us, but I learned from other family there that it’s just the way he is and that I will never have a relationship with him. During that time I felt much closer to God as Father and I felt much closer to male deities in general. It was a strange twist but I came to finally disconnect myself from the traumatised image of my own neglectful and abusive father figure/s in my life and start to mend the hurt inside. I finally had a resolution that there will be no resolution with my father or any father figure, and that I had to find it instead. So I prayed to God as Father (I will call Him Deus) and found within me the masculine always there.

But again it’s not my focus, at least not for now. I do acknowledge that actually Deus and Dea are the exact same Being, an Androgynous Whole that I can only conceive or relate to as either one or the other with my limited earthly mind, but knowing God as Deus was important for that period in time when I was dealing with those particular feelings and wounds inside.

For now my focus is Dea, and I did do a dedication ritual to Her to officially start me on my path towards Her and honestly ever since I have felt so liberated and free. I feel like spiritually I’ve finally come home. I am part of Dea too, my higher self or divine spark is a piece of Her, especially as a woman, and by knowing Her I am knowing myself too.

The Demiurge Strikes Again: Gnosticism, Christianity & General Confusion. What Is The Truth Really?

As my readers may know (not that I generally have a lot of readers anymore which is fine, this blog is more for my own records), I had found my way with Paganism the last year and working with Goddess Diana and learning to heal myself again with energy work. I took up Reiki which catapulted me into general energy healing and from there I started recently exploring shamanism and journeying the realms using my mind to learn and heal my issues.

Even more recently I made a contract with the goddess Tellus who appeared to me in one of these journeys to be part of her team to heal humanity. Ignoring any misgivings I had I went ahead and created the contract. But since then I have had a massive upheaval of beliefs once again and the realisation that all is not well after all. For the more I was meeting new gods and goddesses and animal totems and plant guides, I noticed more and more interference by astral junk to the point I couldn’t (and still can’t) tell what’s what anymore.

On the positive side some of the healing I have been doing must have worked because I feel stronger and less anxious over all in general, and so the question of where the truth ends and where the deception begins has become an increasingly confusing focus. Clearly the healing work I have been doing has been helping otherwise I would not be feeling more empowered than I have done in my life. At the same time I am highly aware of what the Gnostics call ‘archons’ heavily trying to interfere once more with my process.

These archons are not demons and are not lost souls, but instead seem to function as semi-conscious tricksters who hide in the shadows and are very good at playing team ‘false light’. They pretend to be gods and goddesses and angels and guides until they have been hooked into your energy field, and then they progressively drain you and eat away at you until there’s nothing left (whether you realise it or not – luckily for me I am aware of it now).

For a long time I did not want to confront my history with these archons and the demons that are their rulers. Their system is one of hierarchy, control and manipulation. One massive operation they have going on is the mass harvesting of souls. They capture and trap souls and soul fragments either whilst living or dead and use them to generate their power in their bid for world domination. So you can imagine the devils at the top of this system who are the rulers, followed by the demons who manage the business, then archons who actively carry out orders, then lost souls and fragments who are pretty much unconscious and are chained to the the archons much like slaves.

Anyway, for a long time I didn’t want to consider any of this as it all seemed insane and maybe I was just insane and besides even thinking about it just gave me massive panic attacks that made it impossible to dwell on it for even a moment anyway. But then I started with all this healing again, and this subject has been thrust in my face once again. Thankfully I was quick enough to actually see it this time before it got progressively worse just like last time. I stopped all my practices and now am giving myself time to reflect and just plain old fashion pray to the one good intuitive voice I know is truly guiding me amongst this entire mess.

I did initially equate this voice with Diana as my one true confidant but even now I am not sure. Everything again is up for re-evaluation. I even felt a strong urge to convert to Christianity thinking that perhaps that small but still voice was really Jesus after all. But then none of that made sense, why would my goddess actually be another deity entirely unless they too were just more archons trying to mess with me? So I thought about just throwing the towel in completely. But then I remembered that happened once in my journey before, and I know that the archons would love that too, wanting me to give up any sense of actual true guidance I may have on the spiritual planes.

They are all about disempowerment. So this is where my focus is currently, learning what empowers me and why. Figuring out the truth once again after a period of confusing progress and setbacks all at the same time. Which allies can I really trust? Which guides are really wolves in sheeps clothing? Is there really anything good out there beyond this mess of astral junk that loves to lead occult and new age practitioners astray? And how theologically does that fit in with any logical sense? Like why would an Ultimate Being create a universe just for it to be hijacked by its own creation? How does that make sense? Is there any Divinity we can truly trust?

But indeed there must be. I am making progress, and I believe my true allies will not mind me asking such questions, in fact I believe that whoever they are they were the one/s who prompted such questions to begin with. Starting with praying to Diana and asking why Jesus always seems to be bothering me. Her response? That’s not the real Jesus, just another archon in disguise. Okay, well I’ve had plenty of false Jesus’ to know that’s probably true. But then how do I know anything Diana has told me is true also? For all I know, maybe that response was not true either.

And so you see, I am back at square one, and whilst it feels frustrating on some level I am not letting myself be intimidated by the confusion. For one the archons will just feed off that fear even more. For two whilst you could say it’s a temporary stumble in my journey, I see the silver lining in the cloud and think that once the dust settles everything will be even clearer than before. Thankfully I just have the clarity of mind to be able to ride these waves, all the while as my levels of fear decreases.

So yes everything is up in the air. Did a flawed being create this planet? How can it when Mother Earth is so intrinsically good? But then is she? If she is then evolution can’t be true. Oh shit now I’m denying reality. No, Mother Earth cannot be intrinsically good. Even despite all humanity’s violence and war on this planet, death is inherently a part of life. And so, maybe it really was created by a flawed being after all. How can a kind and benevolent God or gods allow this otherwise? Surely an omnipotent God would not allow it. But perhaps if there were benevolent but not omnipotent beings that existed before the creation of the Demiurge and its own creation of humanity… well, then they would have no power after all to save us. So we are left to our own devices. A type of polydeism, if such an adjective yet exists.

I am just brainstorming here. I am trying to understand many things. Meanwhile the archons mutter around me trying to get me to pay attention and to distract me from my truth seeking. Are there even there to begin with? Are they just an illusion generated by some artificial intelligent control grid? Can we really get in touch with benevolent beings? And once and for all who is the real Jesus and the real Diana? I am praying for answers. And yet can I trust the answers that come? That’s a whole other question. Can I trust the information I receive? Can I trust what I see? I am battling with issues here many are completely ignorant of and even reuse to accept. I know I did way before I experienced the terror of possession. I mean was I really even possessed? Was that just another illusion? Questions questions questions. But of course, questions are always a good thing.

Many religions and traditions have reports of malevolent beings, devils and demons who are entirely evil and drag the human soul down to the pits of whatever hell that culture believes in. But as far as I know only Gnosticism specifically deals with the beings that pretend to be all love and light to the extent that they actually believe their own lies. Because that was the Demiurge’s fundamental flaw, that he believed he was the true god and so that he could do anything he wanted and that made him good. Despite all his horrendous acts committed through the generations of human existence. And Gnosticism too is the only tradition I know of that states that we are innately powerful over these beings because we have the indwelling spark of the true God which the Demiurge lacks and is envious of. All other cultures say you have to evoke this or that deity or archangel to remove demonic influence, which of course just confounds the problem. They pretend for a while that the problem is gone but then you are just bombarded with more problems from having let them into your personal space and take your power.

So what is the truth? I don’t know, and that’s what I’m seeking. Everything in my life except grounding and shielding has been put on hold. I have stopped all magickal practices and have stopped communication with all entities except Diana and Jesus who I am in the process of ‘testing’, so to speak. Like I said, if they are genuine, or at least if the ‘version’ of them I am connecting with is actually genuine, then they won’t mind. I’m inclined to think there is a genuine connection there somewhere, but that there are also many archonic posers largely interfering with the truths being shared with me. But I hope that if I just keep grounding out all the rubbish and strengthening my soul the answer will clearly and easily come to me.

My only driving thought right now is “I am tired of this bullshit and I am ready to take up the sword and fight for the truth and for the right to live my life free of interference, as well as help any on my journey that I come across struggling with the same things on the way”. I will not ignore my ‘shadow’ side anymore. I will not let myself live in fear, but I won’t allow myself to be deceived either. Let the process take as long as it just for me to get to the bottom of this conspiracy once and for all, but it will happen nonetheless. The truth cannot be hopeless as it appears, there must be saving grace somewhere in all this mess, and what that is I am determined to find out.

Update on Physical Health and also Spiritual Health

It has been quite a while since I last updated. I am trying to remember everything that has happened since and what is going on with me both health wise and spiritually.

I remember that I was due for a sleep test overnight at the hospital to diagnose or rule out Narcolepsy once and for all but unfortunately I accidentally missed that appointment and the cancellation list is super long, so things are still uncertain on that front. However I don’t think I have narcolepsy anymore, especially since I started taking a new medication for migraines and found my sleep attacks reduce in severity by 75%. I was recently diagnosed by a specialist as having chronic migraine which I can’t believe took me all these years to realise, but here we are. At least now I am starting to gather what symptoms actually come from the migraines, and I notice during an attack my physical energy diminishes much more than usual. So there is that to factor in with my chronic fatigue problems.

Besides that there is still the physical energy problem. I tried to come down off of another medication (also a migraine preventative) but it made me so ill and all the energy that taking the hydrocortisone gave me disappeared again. I waited out the symptoms a month just to make sure it wasn’t a side effect of weaning but I only got worse, so I went back up and my energy is gradually picking up again. I think it will take time but at least I’m on the path to recovery and am figuring out more of what’s wrong with me and what I need to take and do to manage it. No thanks to the doctors of course! It feels like they are on a blind rabbit hunt. I was actually legally supposed to be seen by the endocrinologist two months ago now, and even though I ring and ring I can’t get through to them, or even my GP!

So I am on my own for the time being, with no tests, no appointments, no consultations, but it won’t stop me from trying my hardest to learn about my condition/s and trying to treat it myself. It seems mostly to be an amalgamation of things that help, not just any one thing particularly. On the physical side of things I am taking the medications which do me wonders and I am lucky they actually work for me as many people don’t get on with them, but on the other hand too I have gone back to the spiritual side of things and am trying to tackle that and the reason this all happened to me in the first place.

I broke my body when I unknowingly opened myself up to demonic possession – and yes I believe it was real and now and really did occur, I have gone back pretty much to being theistic. But it’s okay, I am working now on my energy and aura and being taught by Diana how to do so as well as Tellus who Diana introduced me to. I have good spirit friends now and can always count on Diana to keep me safe and monitor what goes in and out. I know she will not let harm come to me like last time and if I get ungrounded and confused by entities I only have to go back to her presence and it all fades away. She has given me love and healing like I have never experienced and I am so grateful.

So there is that. I decided to start energy healing again as I was initially using reiki energy but didn’t feel like it was right anymore. Even though reiki helped me a lot I felt like maybe it was more a band aid than a true cure, and I felt Diana pushing me towards working primarily with earth energy. So I took my time with gaining confidence in pulling up earth energy and through her prompting also have learned how to properly ground energy now and the transformation I feel on that subtle left has been incredible. Although I still suffer the obsessive compulsive thoughts there is definitely some kind of catalyst going on inside me healing wise.

And as I started to connect to the earth, and I heard Diana’s prompt to become solely focused on that, I became a devotee of mother earth in her Roman form known by the name Tellus. And since I met Tellus many interesting things have happened. For one I have learned to start shamanic journeying, and interestingly while I never really see Diana in my journeys, I see Tellus very often. She started helping me out with my healing and then decided to become my healing guide. The thing is I had been asking Diana for a while to lead me to a primary healing guide to help me out, and Tellus is who she introduced me to. So I have become increasingly comfortable with working with Tellus now.

On top of that I have met spirit animals in my journeys as well as nature spirits both existing in the real world and the nature world. I have forged genuine connections with them rather than just seeing them as guides. I have come to believe this is super important as part of healing as I try not to take them for granted and take time to appreciate them and give them offerings. After all these guides decided to work with me out of their own free will, they were never just hanging around waiting for me to make contact (well, except Tiger). These spirits are friends first, and guides second.

So, much has happened since my last post and I’ve become very focused spiritually again and feel like I’m back on my soul path. I hope that through the mix of physical attention to my health and spiritual attention to my health I will become balanced again and healthy, and maybe the healer I knew I was always meant to be. For a while recently I lost interest again in healing, but it has come back with a vengeance more than ever. I am learning so much and practicing so much and really gaining a lot out of it. I hope one day once I’m healed myself I can then use what I’ve learned to also help heal others.

Deep Womb Healing by Shaman Jo

We’ve done a full clearing of all negative soul contracts, energies, entities, vibrations and spirits, and I’m now continuing the shamanic journey that I started at the beginning…

I can see something very slowly dropping down in my view, but I can’t tell what it is. I thought it might be a spaceship, but I can’t really make it out. Deep breath (my body’s way of confirmation for what I’m seeing).

It looks like a machine of some kind. I can’t really tell what it is.

Big yawn – I’m getting very yawny now.

It looks like the machine is turning into a drill, with the front of it rotating round and round, like the propeller on an aeroplane. It really feels like a drill that is drilling down through the darkness. I can’t tell what it is drilling or what it is for. It’s moved out of view now.

What else have you got to show me ?

I can see my dragon now, the Earth dragon. She is the embodiment of the energy and consciousness of Mother Earth. And she is often a guardian of lost soul parts. Another big yawn.

I can see her tail hanging down, her long pointy tail with the arrow head tip. Its like she’s pulling the drill up through the earth with her tail. I still don’t know what this drill was for. But she is pulling the drill up out of the earth with her tail.

I can now see her face, she is sticking her tongue out. She’s licking something. I can’t quite see what she is licking.

I can see that she has an egg now. She ’s curled round the egg and is licking it.

It’s like she’s a mother dragon who has laid her egg, nesting on it, keeping it warm, waiting for it to hatch. She’s coiled around it. I feel like the drill, whatever it was, was something quite destructive or detrimental, like it had drilled right through Lady May. By pulling this drill up and out of the earth, the dragon was removing this damaging implement.

Deep breath.

I feel like we are just looking after this egg at the minute, waiting for it to hatch, wondering what is going to be hatching out of the egg. Another big yawn.

I’m seeing lots of flying saucers now, quite dark flying saucers flying around. I get the feeling there’s been some kind of very negative, dark, extra-terrestrial influence within this situation. The dragon is opening up her wings now to shield herself and the egg from these flying saucers. Another big yawn.

I’m seeing an octopus now. The octopus got out of one one of the flying saucers and it’s hovering in the sky. It doesn’t feel like this is a good or helpful octopus. It feels like a dark force entity.

I call upon an ally to protect, shield and disperse these aliens. I’m seeing a white horse that is a lightening horse. It’s flying through the sky and is bringing this energy of lightening, of light and fire, to disperse. Deep breath.

Its galloping across the sky dispersing these octopus aliens with its lightening strikes.

I’m still curious, what’s happening with the dragon ? Another deep breath and big yawn. The dragon is still licking her egg. I can see her big nose, big nostrils and big long white tongue. I’m getting a very strong sense that this egg is Lady May’s soul energy. This dragon is often a soul guardian, she guards soul parts that people have lost upon the earth plane.

This feels far more than just a soul part. She normally cries the soul parts out of her big eyes. Whereas this feels almost like a whole new you, that is being birthed in this egg. Like this egg is your soul. Not just a piece of your soul, it is lots and lots and lots of your soul parts, almost your whole soul being. It may well be that you lost many parts or most of your soul energy when you had your breakdown. And this egg is the combination of all of that lost soul energy. This is the return of yourself.

But she’s still sitting on the egg, it still isn’t hatching. She’s looking after it very carefully. Deep breath.

It feels like we are in the womb of mother earth, in this dark cave. And that this gestation period is necessary in order to allow you to fully heal in this egg state. In order to fully return all soul parts that you lost through this process. It feels like this healing journey has gone into a restoration phase.

We are in the womb space of mother earth, resting, in the cave, in the dragon’s cave. Resting restoring, growing, as a little baby dragon, you are still growing and developing in this egg. And as in any pregnancy, the growth of the baby is assisted most by deep rest. Another deep breath.

We are in a deep restoration stage of this healing journey.

Dragon is opening her eyes and she has just cried out a soul piece, and another piece. She’s opening her mouth wide and yawning now. Just like me ! Another deep yawn for myself !

It feels like she is summoning a bit of fire now. I can sense little sparks igniting within her now. This feels like something to do with the hatching of the egg. It feels like these little sparks of fire are necessary in order to hatch the egg.

She’s telling me that dragon’s eggs are hatched through fire. They won’t hatch without enough fire. She’s just kindling the fire, and doing a few little test burst s of fire.

Hey, mother dragon, are you getting ready to hatch your baby ? Yes, she says, baby dragons are birthed through fire.

Fire is the element of transformation. It is an element of burning the old in order to give birth ti the new. Dragon, like phoenix has this power of transformation through fire.

She is very slowly kindling this fire. Its not happening fast, its very gentle. She doesn’t want to hurt the baby dragon. It is a gentle warming and gestating and bringing to life of this baby dragon. Another deep yawn.

I’m not even sure if this egg is going to hatch in this session, you know. It feels like more time is needed to grow and heal and restore this little baby dragon.

You are the little baby dragon, Lady May, but your hatching time is not yet. You’ve got a bit more growing time. A bit more time being nestled with your dragon mother, in the womb space of mother earth.

Hey earth dragon, are you ready to hatch your baby yet ?

No ! I’m just keeping her warm, raising the fire, gently gently, slowly slowly, you can’t rush these things.

Ok, but you have received two soul parts that she cried out. Is there a power animal for Lady May?

Dragon is the power animal. The fire aspect is restoring and revitalising you. The earth dragon aspect is guarding and protecting and shielding you in the womb space of mother earth. Big yawn.

Is there any more work to be done today? No.

This is the end of the journey.

The Three Shamanic Souls & Understanding my Own Fragmentation and Retrieval Process

It’s been a while since I last pondered on what happened to me those two years ago. The six month long episode which I labelled as psychotic, but possibly was shamanic. I have been thinking along the shamanic lines again, and came across a wonderful article that made light of some of the things I experienced. I wanted here to recap some of those events in light of this new information, perhaps to try and make sense of it again, from an holistic perspective.

I came upon this article accidentally, and was interested in the concept of the ‘three souls’, but learned so much more about my own experiences when reading. So this does relate to the idea that we all have three souls. The best way to explain it would be that we have one soul of the underworld (instinctual/reptilian brain), one soul of the earth realm (conscious thought), and one soul of the celestial realm (higher processes/self).

Let’s start with the misalignment of these three souls:

“If something is out of alignment… there will be dysfunction in the corresponding arena of the person’s life. If a hinge piece is missing or bent way out of center… there will be the resultant disability of the individual’s life and experience and incapability of function in that area of life“.

That definitely happened to me, I had severe complex trauma, I lost consciousness, I developed alternate personalities, I became a little child of five years old and less in an adult’s body. I lost all physical function and had to be bathed, clothed, and fed. I was catatonic for a few months actually, by true definition of the word. Now whilst I have recovered from all of that, I am still left with obsessive compulsive thoughts, anxiety disorder, and adrenal insufficiency (which causes a whole host of other problems like seizures, chronic migraines, and temporary paralysis). This definitely fits under the definition of general ‘soul loss’ in shamanic terms.

The funny thing, however, is that during my ‘episode’ (whether psychotic or shamanic) the whole point was to find my soul fragment lost from childhood. However, I wonder if I had succeeded in that, but lost another part of my soul along the way, it’s not yet clear. Hopefully writing this out will make some things more clear.


Trauma, etc,… all can instigate a condition we recognize as a loss of the Soul. When we exist in life with an aspect of our Soul disconnected or missing we suffer the consequential disruptions and difficulties that arise from being only partially ‘here’. The nature of the specific dysfunction is determined by which Soul has departed. When the Earth Soul leaves the person experiences melancholy, being ungrounded, unable to fully make logical connections between events and data, and a strong sense of not being whole. Short-term memory is hazardous; the individual chronically forgetful, unable to remember the name of a person just met, where the keys to the car are placed, unable to recall the message of the last paragraph just read. When the Earth Soul is gone the Underworld Soul moves from its native position in the Dream Realm and takes up residence in the place of the Earth Soul. As a consequence the individual often finds that life’s daily events take on a dream-like quality, as if one were moving through a theatre production. Walking into a social situation the person whose Earth Soul has been replaced by the Dream Soul has an overwhelming intuitive understanding of the mythic dynamics of the interactions they are greeted with. Minor events take on connotations of high significance. While we all have moments of this type of perceptual capability, the person whose Earth Soul is missing must live in the non-ordinary world each and every moment and usually finds it very disconcerting“.

THIS is a perfect example of what I suffered those sixteen years when I was being abused. My earth soul fled because it felt unsafe, and I experienced life through a cloudy but intensely connected haze. My intuition was massively on point (in comparison to now where it barely exists), but I was always so ungrounded. In fact it was impossible to ground (again, in comparison to now where grounding is fairly easy for once).

So what must have happened here is that as my earth soul fled, my underworld soul took its place. That makes sense enough. Everything was dreamlike for me as if I was literally living in another reality, and not this one at all.

Now, onto the underworld soul, and how this relates to my ‘episode’.

“If it is the Underworld Soul that is disconnected or missing the symptoms are very distinct from that of a person’s experience of their Earth Soul being gone. As the Underworld Soul is the point of attention from which we dream, the person has dream difficulty… Dreams may be disturbing, dreams of being chased, imprisoned, tortured, lost and adrift, unable to find one’s way back home. As the Underworld Soul is the storehouse of our Power, when that Soul is out of sync we no longer have easy access to the life force stored there. (This is rather like having money in your bank account, but you have lost your ATM card and can no longer readily withdraw what you need to survive.) As a result we are lacking in energy to accomplish life’s daily tasks, can’t seem to get the passion fired up, living in a state of malaise. Neither do we have the life force charge to maintain our health; we become susceptible to colds, the flu, infections and the like. It is this life force field that resonates with emotive thoughts, feelings, experiences and impressions: the stuff of memories. When the Underworld Soul is in a state of disconnect we suffer from long-term memory loss. Specific chunks of our past may be blank or hazy when we consider them”.

I DEFINITELY experienced a lot of this during and especially after my ‘episode’. And this is where I reckon the problem may now be. I think I regained my earth soul (or part of it), but in the process lost my underworld soul. I sacrificed one for the other. OMG!

To explain a little more in depth, I have night terrors, I always have disturbing dreams where I wake screaming (although less so these days on my medication). Some of those dreams are a re-enactment of the episode I went through, having visits from demons and what not. Sometimes I’m just generally ‘lost’, and literally ‘split’ in consciousness between multiple different realms which just gives a massive demented feeling (again, by the true tdefinition of the word, an extreme confusion). That’s not to count the amnesia I suffered, and though I got most of my memories back now, there is still a blankness when I try to recall the worst of it during Christmas 2015.

Then on top of all that is the obvious chronic fatigue and health problems which just never seem to end. Yes, I definitely believe what ails me now is not a missing earth soul, but a missing underworld soul instead.

Then there is the celestial soul, which I won’t quote. The reason being I believe I have always had my celestial soul, and indeed I believe the article says further down that if the body goes without the celestial soul for longer than three days the entire body dies. So I must have retained my celestial soul since I am still alive.

But as for the other two souls, it seems I went through the first twenty two years of my life with a massive shaped earth soul hole, and the last three years of my life I have been suffering with a massive shaped underworld soul hole.

So I finally have an understanding of these dynamics between the three souls. The next part of the article delves into the process of soul fragmentation and soul retrieval. There is much more I have learned from reading this too.

“When, through trauma or neglect, the Earth Soul departs from integration with the other two Souls, becomes disanchored from the Body/Mind, it tends to stay here in the earthly domain, in the realm of physical construct. In essence it becomes a ghost. Almost always the Earth Soul will retreat to a place, an environs, in which the person had come to associate a feeling of safety, acceptance and security. This might be a tree that as a child the individual would climb high into to ‘get away from it all’, a favorite creek-side ‘special place’ where no one would find freedom from being bothered. Or the Earth Soul may find that place of security in Gramma’s house, away from the turmoil and abuse of our parental home. For some, who come into utero and find violence and rage awaits them; they may even retreat back into the ‘In-Between Place’ between one incarnation and the next. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go. At other times the Earth Soul will retreat into the Underworld, or Dream, Realm, where it takes up residence within the mythic Cave, a place constructed in the Dream to provide seclusion and safety. When this is the situation, a Guardian immediately arises to insure that no further harm will come to the Soul, and to insure that it does not wander back into the Earthly world, as the world has shown itself to be a threatening and unsafe place. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go.

There are also those entities, Demons, who keep an eye out for lost Souls. They will track down, hunt, snare, imprison and torture the Souls they capture. This torment is experienced in the person’s life as emotional flare-ups and disability, outbursts of unknown sourced rage followed by deep depressions, constant misfortune and turmoil. Those usurpers then feed upon the emotional turmoil that is generated by the torment of the person’s Soul. They are the vampires, not of fang and claw, but of emotion and Soul Force. When the Soul is found to be ensnared the Soul Retriever must then present credentials and authority. Most often the Demons will immediately release the Soul and back off. Sometimes, however, a Demon who has fed upon the Soul Force of many, many unfortunate Souls and has become bloated with Power, and arrogant, refuses to release the captured Soul. In that situation the Soul Retriever must be able, capable and willing to be as a Warrior on behalf of the ensnared Soul, doing whatever it takes to secure the freedom of that Soul. What must be understood here is that what ever happens to the Soul Retriever there, in the Dream World, happens to their own body here in the earthly realm”.

I don’t know where to start here. Suffice to say, when I read this over just now, as when I did the first time I read it, tears flooded my eyes and yet my heart felt a sense of liberation and my mind clarity. This is it! Now it all makes sense!

From my fuzzy memories of that extremely intense and traumatic time, I understand now that my earth soul split into two main pieces. The first piece was with Jesus, in heaven (the celestial realm), who returned it to me when I became a Christian again. Because this part of my identity was Christian, it wouldn’t consider it safe to reintegrate until I had re-found my security in the faith again. This makes total sense. And so Jesus wouldn’t have released it to me until that point. So when I became so lost in the underworld searching for my earth soul, I reconverted back to Christianity in an attempt to find sanity again – and in a way found it through the retrieval and descent of that soul piece.

The second soul piece however fared massively different. The second soul piece was actually trapped in hell, and this is the part that is so intensely traumatic for me me to remember to this day, why I am on anti-depressants, and probably why I have adrenal insufficiency (caused, clearly, by MASSIVE STRESS OVERLOAD). In fact, I can’t even be sure this piece was liberated, as the memory still affects me so badly. I can only conclude it was either retrieved and the trauma of reintegration is just so intense, or that it wasn’t and this is still a part that needs retrieving. However, from what I read earlier about the loss of the underworld soul, I believe until proven otherwise that those two pieces of my earth soul were safely retrieved, and that it was in fact my underworld soul instead that got lost this time, through seeing the horrors this other half of my earth soul was subjected to.

However, the exact memory that haunts me, continuously, is that of being trapped in hell as this soul piece, being tortured by that disgusting demon Jezebel (and even writing the name down again gives me a massive panic attack here and I will probably have to take a propanolol after this), and her lack of refusal to let go of my soul, even when I was entitled to it by universal law. That is too traumatic to think about so I will end the memory here.

But now, I finally understand. I finally understand. It’s insane to think about it, but it’s like reading this article made a light switch in on in my brain, with the understanding that my underworld soul is still probably out there floating around waiting for retrieval. Meanwhile to do that I would have to go back deeper into my past than I ever remember. But this time, I will not do it alone. In fact, I will contact the shamanic writer, who can help me out. I feel deep down this is what I need to do. This article hit so close home.

Whilst I am managing my issues best I can in the physical through medication, self-care, and staying grounded, I know the journey is not over. In a sense it feels like it’s only just begun. And THAT is a scary, scary, thought. I can’t handle anymore of what I’ve been through 🙁 I need a break.