Update on Physical Health and also Spiritual Health

It has been quite a while since I last updated. I am trying to remember everything that has happened since and what is going on with me both health wise and spiritually.

I remember that I was due for a sleep test overnight at the hospital to diagnose or rule out Narcolepsy once and for all but unfortunately I accidentally missed that appointment and the cancellation list is super long, so things are still uncertain on that front. However I don’t think I have narcolepsy anymore, especially since I started taking a new medication for migraines and found my sleep attacks reduce in severity by 75%. I was recently diagnosed by a specialist as having chronic migraine which I can’t believe took me all these years to realise, but here we are. At least now I am starting to gather what symptoms actually come from the migraines, and I notice during an attack my physical energy diminishes much more than usual. So there is that to factor in with my chronic fatigue problems.

Besides that there is still the physical energy problem. I tried to come down off of another medication (also a migraine preventative) but it made me so ill and all the energy that taking the hydrocortisone gave me disappeared again. I waited out the symptoms a month just to make sure it wasn’t a side effect of weaning but I only got worse, so I went back up and my energy is gradually picking up again. I think it will take time but at least I’m on the path to recovery and am figuring out more of what’s wrong with me and what I need to take and do to manage it. No thanks to the doctors of course! It feels like they are on a blind rabbit hunt. I was actually legally supposed to be seen by the endocrinologist two months ago now, and even though I ring and ring I can’t get through to them, or even my GP!

So I am on my own for the time being, with no tests, no appointments, no consultations, but it won’t stop me from trying my hardest to learn about my condition/s and trying to treat it myself. It seems mostly to be an amalgamation of things that help, not just any one thing particularly. On the physical side of things I am taking the medications which do me wonders and I am lucky they actually work for me as many people don’t get on with them, but on the other hand too I have gone back to the spiritual side of things and am trying to tackle that and the reason this all happened to me in the first place.

I broke my body when I unknowingly opened myself up to demonic possession – and yes I believe it was real and now and really did occur, I have gone back pretty much to being theistic. But it’s okay, I am working now on my energy and aura and being taught by Diana how to do so as well as Tellus who Diana introduced me to. I have good spirit friends now and can always count on Diana to keep me safe and monitor what goes in and out. I know she will not let harm come to me like last time and if I get ungrounded and confused by entities I only have to go back to her presence and it all fades away. She has given me love and healing like I have never experienced and I am so grateful.

So there is that. I decided to start energy healing again as I was initially using reiki energy but didn’t feel like it was right anymore. Even though reiki helped me a lot I felt like maybe it was more a band aid than a true cure, and I felt Diana pushing me towards working primarily with earth energy. So I took my time with gaining confidence in pulling up earth energy and through her prompting also have learned how to properly ground energy now and the transformation I feel on that subtle left has been incredible. Although I still suffer the obsessive compulsive thoughts there is definitely some kind of catalyst going on inside me healing wise.

And as I started to connect to the earth, and I heard Diana’s prompt to become solely focused on that, I became a devotee of mother earth in her Roman form known by the name Tellus. And since I met Tellus many interesting things have happened. For one I have learned to start shamanic journeying, and interestingly while I never really see Diana in my journeys, I see Tellus very often. She started helping me out with my healing and then decided to become my healing guide. The thing is I had been asking Diana for a while to lead me to a primary healing guide to help me out, and Tellus is who she introduced me to. So I have become increasingly comfortable with working with Tellus now.

On top of that I have met spirit animals in my journeys as well as nature spirits both existing in the real world and the nature world. I have forged genuine connections with them rather than just seeing them as guides. I have come to believe this is super important as part of healing as I try not to take them for granted and take time to appreciate them and give them offerings. After all these guides decided to work with me out of their own free will, they were never just hanging around waiting for me to make contact (well, except Tiger). These spirits are friends first, and guides second.

So, much has happened since my last post and I’ve become very focused spiritually again and feel like I’m back on my soul path. I hope that through the mix of physical attention to my health and spiritual attention to my health I will become balanced again and healthy, and maybe the healer I knew I was always meant to be. For a while recently I lost interest again in healing, but it has come back with a vengeance more than ever. I am learning so much and practicing so much and really gaining a lot out of it. I hope one day once I’m healed myself I can then use what I’ve learned to also help heal others.

Deep Womb Healing by Shaman Jo

We’ve done a full clearing of all negative soul contracts, energies, entities, vibrations and spirits, and I’m now continuing the shamanic journey that I started at the beginning…

I can see something very slowly dropping down in my view, but I can’t tell what it is. I thought it might be a spaceship, but I can’t really make it out. Deep breath (my body’s way of confirmation for what I’m seeing).

It looks like a machine of some kind. I can’t really tell what it is.

Big yawn – I’m getting very yawny now.

It looks like the machine is turning into a drill, with the front of it rotating round and round, like the propeller on an aeroplane. It really feels like a drill that is drilling down through the darkness. I can’t tell what it is drilling or what it is for. It’s moved out of view now.

What else have you got to show me ?

I can see my dragon now, the Earth dragon. She is the embodiment of the energy and consciousness of Mother Earth. And she is often a guardian of lost soul parts. Another big yawn.

I can see her tail hanging down, her long pointy tail with the arrow head tip. Its like she’s pulling the drill up through the earth with her tail. I still don’t know what this drill was for. But she is pulling the drill up out of the earth with her tail.

I can now see her face, she is sticking her tongue out. She’s licking something. I can’t quite see what she is licking.

I can see that she has an egg now. She ’s curled round the egg and is licking it.

It’s like she’s a mother dragon who has laid her egg, nesting on it, keeping it warm, waiting for it to hatch. She’s coiled around it. I feel like the drill, whatever it was, was something quite destructive or detrimental, like it had drilled right through Lady May. By pulling this drill up and out of the earth, the dragon was removing this damaging implement.

Deep breath.

I feel like we are just looking after this egg at the minute, waiting for it to hatch, wondering what is going to be hatching out of the egg. Another big yawn.

I’m seeing lots of flying saucers now, quite dark flying saucers flying around. I get the feeling there’s been some kind of very negative, dark, extra-terrestrial influence within this situation. The dragon is opening up her wings now to shield herself and the egg from these flying saucers. Another big yawn.

I’m seeing an octopus now. The octopus got out of one one of the flying saucers and it’s hovering in the sky. It doesn’t feel like this is a good or helpful octopus. It feels like a dark force entity.

I call upon an ally to protect, shield and disperse these aliens. I’m seeing a white horse that is a lightening horse. It’s flying through the sky and is bringing this energy of lightening, of light and fire, to disperse. Deep breath.

Its galloping across the sky dispersing these octopus aliens with its lightening strikes.

I’m still curious, what’s happening with the dragon ? Another deep breath and big yawn. The dragon is still licking her egg. I can see her big nose, big nostrils and big long white tongue. I’m getting a very strong sense that this egg is Lady May’s soul energy. This dragon is often a soul guardian, she guards soul parts that people have lost upon the earth plane.

This feels far more than just a soul part. She normally cries the soul parts out of her big eyes. Whereas this feels almost like a whole new you, that is being birthed in this egg. Like this egg is your soul. Not just a piece of your soul, it is lots and lots and lots of your soul parts, almost your whole soul being. It may well be that you lost many parts or most of your soul energy when you had your breakdown. And this egg is the combination of all of that lost soul energy. This is the return of yourself.

But she’s still sitting on the egg, it still isn’t hatching. She’s looking after it very carefully. Deep breath.

It feels like we are in the womb of mother earth, in this dark cave. And that this gestation period is necessary in order to allow you to fully heal in this egg state. In order to fully return all soul parts that you lost through this process. It feels like this healing journey has gone into a restoration phase.

We are in the womb space of mother earth, resting, in the cave, in the dragon’s cave. Resting restoring, growing, as a little baby dragon, you are still growing and developing in this egg. And as in any pregnancy, the growth of the baby is assisted most by deep rest. Another deep breath.

We are in a deep restoration stage of this healing journey.

Dragon is opening her eyes and she has just cried out a soul piece, and another piece. She’s opening her mouth wide and yawning now. Just like me ! Another deep yawn for myself !

It feels like she is summoning a bit of fire now. I can sense little sparks igniting within her now. This feels like something to do with the hatching of the egg. It feels like these little sparks of fire are necessary in order to hatch the egg.

She’s telling me that dragon’s eggs are hatched through fire. They won’t hatch without enough fire. She’s just kindling the fire, and doing a few little test burst s of fire.

Hey, mother dragon, are you getting ready to hatch your baby ? Yes, she says, baby dragons are birthed through fire.

Fire is the element of transformation. It is an element of burning the old in order to give birth ti the new. Dragon, like phoenix has this power of transformation through fire.

She is very slowly kindling this fire. Its not happening fast, its very gentle. She doesn’t want to hurt the baby dragon. It is a gentle warming and gestating and bringing to life of this baby dragon. Another deep yawn.

I’m not even sure if this egg is going to hatch in this session, you know. It feels like more time is needed to grow and heal and restore this little baby dragon.

You are the little baby dragon, Lady May, but your hatching time is not yet. You’ve got a bit more growing time. A bit more time being nestled with your dragon mother, in the womb space of mother earth.

Hey earth dragon, are you ready to hatch your baby yet ?

No ! I’m just keeping her warm, raising the fire, gently gently, slowly slowly, you can’t rush these things.

Ok, but you have received two soul parts that she cried out. Is there a power animal for Lady May?

Dragon is the power animal. The fire aspect is restoring and revitalising you. The earth dragon aspect is guarding and protecting and shielding you in the womb space of mother earth. Big yawn.

Is there any more work to be done today? No.

This is the end of the journey.

The Three Shamanic Souls & Understanding my Own Fragmentation and Retrieval Process

It’s been a while since I last pondered on what happened to me those two years ago. The six month long episode which I labelled as psychotic, but possibly was shamanic. I have been thinking along the shamanic lines again, and came across a wonderful article that made light of some of the things I experienced. I wanted here to recap some of those events in light of this new information, perhaps to try and make sense of it again, from an holistic perspective.

I came upon this article accidentally, and was interested in the concept of the ‘three souls’, but learned so much more about my own experiences when reading. So this does relate to the idea that we all have three souls. The best way to explain it would be that we have one soul of the underworld (instinctual/reptilian brain), one soul of the earth realm (conscious thought), and one soul of the celestial realm (higher processes/self).

Let’s start with the misalignment of these three souls:

“If something is out of alignment… there will be dysfunction in the corresponding arena of the person’s life. If a hinge piece is missing or bent way out of center… there will be the resultant disability of the individual’s life and experience and incapability of function in that area of life“.

That definitely happened to me, I had severe complex trauma, I lost consciousness, I developed alternate personalities, I became a little child of five years old and less in an adult’s body. I lost all physical function and had to be bathed, clothed, and fed. I was catatonic for a few months actually, by true definition of the word. Now whilst I have recovered from all of that, I am still left with obsessive compulsive thoughts, anxiety disorder, and adrenal insufficiency (which causes a whole host of other problems like seizures, chronic migraines, and temporary paralysis). This definitely fits under the definition of general ‘soul loss’ in shamanic terms.

The funny thing, however, is that during my ‘episode’ (whether psychotic or shamanic) the whole point was to find my soul fragment lost from childhood. However, I wonder if I had succeeded in that, but lost another part of my soul along the way, it’s not yet clear. Hopefully writing this out will make some things more clear.

“LOSS OF SOUL:

Trauma, etc,… all can instigate a condition we recognize as a loss of the Soul. When we exist in life with an aspect of our Soul disconnected or missing we suffer the consequential disruptions and difficulties that arise from being only partially ‘here’. The nature of the specific dysfunction is determined by which Soul has departed. When the Earth Soul leaves the person experiences melancholy, being ungrounded, unable to fully make logical connections between events and data, and a strong sense of not being whole. Short-term memory is hazardous; the individual chronically forgetful, unable to remember the name of a person just met, where the keys to the car are placed, unable to recall the message of the last paragraph just read. When the Earth Soul is gone the Underworld Soul moves from its native position in the Dream Realm and takes up residence in the place of the Earth Soul. As a consequence the individual often finds that life’s daily events take on a dream-like quality, as if one were moving through a theatre production. Walking into a social situation the person whose Earth Soul has been replaced by the Dream Soul has an overwhelming intuitive understanding of the mythic dynamics of the interactions they are greeted with. Minor events take on connotations of high significance. While we all have moments of this type of perceptual capability, the person whose Earth Soul is missing must live in the non-ordinary world each and every moment and usually finds it very disconcerting“.

THIS is a perfect example of what I suffered those sixteen years when I was being abused. My earth soul fled because it felt unsafe, and I experienced life through a cloudy but intensely connected haze. My intuition was massively on point (in comparison to now where it barely exists), but I was always so ungrounded. In fact it was impossible to ground (again, in comparison to now where grounding is fairly easy for once).

So what must have happened here is that as my earth soul fled, my underworld soul took its place. That makes sense enough. Everything was dreamlike for me as if I was literally living in another reality, and not this one at all.

Now, onto the underworld soul, and how this relates to my ‘episode’.

“If it is the Underworld Soul that is disconnected or missing the symptoms are very distinct from that of a person’s experience of their Earth Soul being gone. As the Underworld Soul is the point of attention from which we dream, the person has dream difficulty… Dreams may be disturbing, dreams of being chased, imprisoned, tortured, lost and adrift, unable to find one’s way back home. As the Underworld Soul is the storehouse of our Power, when that Soul is out of sync we no longer have easy access to the life force stored there. (This is rather like having money in your bank account, but you have lost your ATM card and can no longer readily withdraw what you need to survive.) As a result we are lacking in energy to accomplish life’s daily tasks, can’t seem to get the passion fired up, living in a state of malaise. Neither do we have the life force charge to maintain our health; we become susceptible to colds, the flu, infections and the like. It is this life force field that resonates with emotive thoughts, feelings, experiences and impressions: the stuff of memories. When the Underworld Soul is in a state of disconnect we suffer from long-term memory loss. Specific chunks of our past may be blank or hazy when we consider them”.

I DEFINITELY experienced a lot of this during and especially after my ‘episode’. And this is where I reckon the problem may now be. I think I regained my earth soul (or part of it), but in the process lost my underworld soul. I sacrificed one for the other. OMG!

To explain a little more in depth, I have night terrors, I always have disturbing dreams where I wake screaming (although less so these days on my medication). Some of those dreams are a re-enactment of the episode I went through, having visits from demons and what not. Sometimes I’m just generally ‘lost’, and literally ‘split’ in consciousness between multiple different realms which just gives a massive demented feeling (again, by the true tdefinition of the word, an extreme confusion). That’s not to count the amnesia I suffered, and though I got most of my memories back now, there is still a blankness when I try to recall the worst of it during Christmas 2015.

Then on top of all that is the obvious chronic fatigue and health problems which just never seem to end. Yes, I definitely believe what ails me now is not a missing earth soul, but a missing underworld soul instead.

Then there is the celestial soul, which I won’t quote. The reason being I believe I have always had my celestial soul, and indeed I believe the article says further down that if the body goes without the celestial soul for longer than three days the entire body dies. So I must have retained my celestial soul since I am still alive.

But as for the other two souls, it seems I went through the first twenty two years of my life with a massive shaped earth soul hole, and the last three years of my life I have been suffering with a massive shaped underworld soul hole.

So I finally have an understanding of these dynamics between the three souls. The next part of the article delves into the process of soul fragmentation and soul retrieval. There is much more I have learned from reading this too.

“When, through trauma or neglect, the Earth Soul departs from integration with the other two Souls, becomes disanchored from the Body/Mind, it tends to stay here in the earthly domain, in the realm of physical construct. In essence it becomes a ghost. Almost always the Earth Soul will retreat to a place, an environs, in which the person had come to associate a feeling of safety, acceptance and security. This might be a tree that as a child the individual would climb high into to ‘get away from it all’, a favorite creek-side ‘special place’ where no one would find freedom from being bothered. Or the Earth Soul may find that place of security in Gramma’s house, away from the turmoil and abuse of our parental home. For some, who come into utero and find violence and rage awaits them; they may even retreat back into the ‘In-Between Place’ between one incarnation and the next. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go. At other times the Earth Soul will retreat into the Underworld, or Dream, Realm, where it takes up residence within the mythic Cave, a place constructed in the Dream to provide seclusion and safety. When this is the situation, a Guardian immediately arises to insure that no further harm will come to the Soul, and to insure that it does not wander back into the Earthly world, as the world has shown itself to be a threatening and unsafe place. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go.

There are also those entities, Demons, who keep an eye out for lost Souls. They will track down, hunt, snare, imprison and torture the Souls they capture. This torment is experienced in the person’s life as emotional flare-ups and disability, outbursts of unknown sourced rage followed by deep depressions, constant misfortune and turmoil. Those usurpers then feed upon the emotional turmoil that is generated by the torment of the person’s Soul. They are the vampires, not of fang and claw, but of emotion and Soul Force. When the Soul is found to be ensnared the Soul Retriever must then present credentials and authority. Most often the Demons will immediately release the Soul and back off. Sometimes, however, a Demon who has fed upon the Soul Force of many, many unfortunate Souls and has become bloated with Power, and arrogant, refuses to release the captured Soul. In that situation the Soul Retriever must be able, capable and willing to be as a Warrior on behalf of the ensnared Soul, doing whatever it takes to secure the freedom of that Soul. What must be understood here is that what ever happens to the Soul Retriever there, in the Dream World, happens to their own body here in the earthly realm”.

I don’t know where to start here. Suffice to say, when I read this over just now, as when I did the first time I read it, tears flooded my eyes and yet my heart felt a sense of liberation and my mind clarity. This is it! Now it all makes sense!

From my fuzzy memories of that extremely intense and traumatic time, I understand now that my earth soul split into two main pieces. The first piece was with Jesus, in heaven (the celestial realm), who returned it to me when I became a Christian again. Because this part of my identity was Christian, it wouldn’t consider it safe to reintegrate until I had re-found my security in the faith again. This makes total sense. And so Jesus wouldn’t have released it to me until that point. So when I became so lost in the underworld searching for my earth soul, I reconverted back to Christianity in an attempt to find sanity again – and in a way found it through the retrieval and descent of that soul piece.

The second soul piece however fared massively different. The second soul piece was actually trapped in hell, and this is the part that is so intensely traumatic for me me to remember to this day, why I am on anti-depressants, and probably why I have adrenal insufficiency (caused, clearly, by MASSIVE STRESS OVERLOAD). In fact, I can’t even be sure this piece was liberated, as the memory still affects me so badly. I can only conclude it was either retrieved and the trauma of reintegration is just so intense, or that it wasn’t and this is still a part that needs retrieving. However, from what I read earlier about the loss of the underworld soul, I believe until proven otherwise that those two pieces of my earth soul were safely retrieved, and that it was in fact my underworld soul instead that got lost this time, through seeing the horrors this other half of my earth soul was subjected to.

However, the exact memory that haunts me, continuously, is that of being trapped in hell as this soul piece, being tortured by that disgusting demon Jezebel (and even writing the name down again gives me a massive panic attack here and I will probably have to take a propanolol after this), and her lack of refusal to let go of my soul, even when I was entitled to it by universal law. That is too traumatic to think about so I will end the memory here.

But now, I finally understand. I finally understand. It’s insane to think about it, but it’s like reading this article made a light switch in on in my brain, with the understanding that my underworld soul is still probably out there floating around waiting for retrieval. Meanwhile to do that I would have to go back deeper into my past than I ever remember. But this time, I will not do it alone. In fact, I will contact the shamanic writer, who can help me out. I feel deep down this is what I need to do. This article hit so close home.

Whilst I am managing my issues best I can in the physical through medication, self-care, and staying grounded, I know the journey is not over. In a sense it feels like it’s only just begun. And THAT is a scary, scary, thought. I can’t handle anymore of what I’ve been through 🙁 I need a break.

Inconclusive Lumbar Puncture Results, & Adrenal Fatigue Treatment

At long last my lumbar puncture results have come through! But despite that, the verdict is still out on whether I actually have narcolepsy or not! My levels of the protein Orexin turned out to be completely normal. However that doesn’t actually exclude Narcolepsy as a diagnosis because many patients do have Narcolepsy with normal Orexin levels. This can be down to perhaps the Orexin receptors in the brain actually being faulty rather than the Orexin levels being low themselves per se. And there are other reasons, so whilst Orexin levels in my spinal fluid are totally normal, it doesn’t say whether there’s any other defect causing the Narcoleptic symptoms.

So, I have a sleep examination already scheduled for May. It involves having to sleep overnight, and they will hook me up to wires and record and study my brain waves whilst asleep. It also involves being woken as well as taking many naps, so they can get a good look at what goes on in my brain between that sleep-wake state. The results from that will conclude whether I do have Narcolepsy or not, and whether I need to look elsewhere for an explanation to my body’s strange behaviour. But, to be honest, I’ve had so many tests now and so many have returned back negative that I’ve kind of become complacent that they will ever find the cause of my problem. But despite that, I won’t give up.

My main reason I wanted to be diagnosed as positive for narcolepsy in the first place was so that they could treat me with the correct medications and I could return to somewhat normal health. But that didn’t happen, so I was pretty upset at first, feeling like my hope to be cured this year was shattered. But never mind, I’ve gotten over it and I will keep pushing and prodding the doctors to do tests after tests on me until they figure out what’s actually wrong. And then once they know what’s wrong they can treat me. People in my life have been asking me if I actually want them to find something wrong with me and that the negative results are surely a good thing… but it’s not like that for me. It’s no good having an undiagnosed condition which severely impacts your quality of life with no way of knowing how to even ease the symptoms a little.

Despite that though, I have been doing some observations of my own. Nothing actually scientific of course and completely anecdotal, but I noticed that whenever I had a big problem with my health, my hormones were always involved. Specifically the hormone cortisol (is that the hormone itself? or is that epinephrine? I’m not sure, anyway…), which governs my adrenals. I did actually get tested at the doctor for my hormones and everything came back normal, but I noticed that often when they said they tested something, they either didn’t actually do it, or that they did it only half-assed (can’t think of how else to put that).

And things became even more suspicious when I noticed my fatigue and associated symptoms (drop attacks, convulsions, etc) always hit me massively when my adrenaline had got going. So I did a couple of experiments on myself which involved doing a lot of activity but in a way that my adrenaline wouldn’t get activated. What I noticed is that I could do a lot more activity that way. But as soon as I lost control and my adrenaline activated, my health spiralled again. I thought it was a strange coincidence, and remembered back to when I had the contraceptive implant in for that one month which totally fucked me up. The implant was releasing progesterone into my blood stream, which of course is a hormone. And after some research I learned that when the body is deficient in cortisol it will take from other hormonal sources. In the case of the contraceptive implant my body was somehow trying to use the progesterone as adrenaline, but it went horribly wrong.

I don’t really have a clear explanation for that but the link seemed very clear for me. Then I was given a book about how to heal the adrenals and thyroid, and decided to start the plan of treatment on myself. I bought hydrocortisone tablets, which are basically steroids and lemme tell you very expensive, and hoped for the best. I started at a very tiny dose, and here’s the kick, hydrocortisone only works well for adrenal fatigue in low doses. And that is 100% safe, so whilst everyone around me is freaking out about me taking unregulated steroids, I’m confident in what I’m doing. Plus all my learned knowledge of pharmacodynamics in the herbal medicine course has really come in handy. Besides that, I do have a mentor who was the one to give me the book in the first place.

Anyway, I have so far worked up to 10mg and I have already noticed a massive difference. My fatigue and related symptoms have reduced by half. So if I had four spoons before, now I have eight. Eight spoons isn’t anything compared to everyone else’s one hundred spoons, but it’s sure much better than four spoons. I am supposed to keep increasing the dose until I get to 30mg, and then sustain that for a period (up to a year), before very slowly (VERY slowly!) weaning myself off them. So I have some hope again that even though my Narcolepsy results came out inconclusive, something good is happening, with my own study and effort.

On top of that I am also taking a herbal remedy to support the adrenals which I made myself. I started taking that about two months before the hydrocortisone tablets and that was another big clue that something was up with my adrenals, as it helped so much more than anything else I took before. The herbal remedy specifically which I made was an Ashwagandha and Siberian Ginseng tincture. I was unprepared for how much it would help. I have a few months supply ready now, and I take that mix each morning before breakfast, and then I take the hydrocortisone after breakfast, and every four hours after that until dinner.

Now, the book I was given says that once hydrocortisone treatment has started and sustained you can begin to work on the Thyroid. The medication to treat that is called Armour, but taking that is much more dangerous than cortisol if you don’t have issues with your thyroid. The important information is that if you have issues with your adrenals, then you likely have it with your thyroid too as they affect each other. So I’ve decided to take a different route with this one to make sure I am not doing myself any damage. I will get my thyroid levels privately (and properly!) tested in a couple of months to see whether my thyroid needs topping up too. Hopefully all these steps I am taking will sort me out hormonally.

I just think that because of the insane trauma I went through my adrenals were shot and all my other hormones became imbalanced too. I’ve been thinking it’s entirely possible that complex post traumatic stress disorder is responsible for everything. For the non-epileptic seizures, for the harrowing fatigue, for the drop attacks, and for everything else. In fact those symptoms often come under the label of complex trauma. And the neurologist I saw seems to think that it’s more likely my body has just become so ill because of the emotional trauma I went through.

The interesting thing though, is that emotionally I am actually doing really well, well enough that my GP agrees with my weaning off the Fluoxetine now. I have almost cut the amount I’m taking by half, which is incredible, and I am not seeing a return of any emotional traumatic symptoms. Plus that I was weaned off the anti-psychotic Olanzapine almost a year ago now, so I am doing in well in nearly coming off most of the medication. But despite that, my body was just so shocked I think and now is just weak and broken, even if mentally and emotionally I have healed from most of what I went through.

Well that is everything I meant to write down today. Just an update about my results, treatment, and recovery. I feel like I’m doing well considering everything I have been through, and am much stronger and a better person for it. I may live with the consequences physically for the rest of my life, in some form, whether major or minor, but my spirituality has been so enriched for my mistakes, and I have learned what I failed to do the first time round. I feel like I have nearly come full circle, and maybe am back on track with my inner self.

I cannot explain everything I went through still, but my focus is no more on understanding what happened and more on learning to enjoy what time I have left on this planet, as I had not had the liberty or pleasure of enjoying the first twenty four years of my life.

Becoming a Healer and Being Healed Part 2, Plus Full Moon Self-Initiation Rite as a Strega

Night four of the ten days:

I had expected the second half hour healing session on myself to be around the same time tonight as the other night, but when I felt some weird things starting up and gradually getting pretty intense again in the afternoon I realised this second session was being done a little earlier than the last time.

As always I tried to distract myself and pass the ordeal off as psychological, but again it became so intense it became harder and harder to ignore. This session was definitely interesting because it felt like the entire focus was on my spiritual trauma and corresponding ‘shut down’ as a result.

Again, I felt like I could hear the healer’s voice in my head as she was doing the session, hearing her thoughts and her prompts, but I will only be sure when she sends me the report. I could be totally wrong and just insane and I am willing to admit that both to myself and on here to the public. Because I just haven’t a clue anymore.

So, it definitely felt like she was bringing down some kind of wall I’d built up around myself, due to my horrific out of body experiences. It felt like she was saying “you don’t need to be afraid of your spiritual gifts, you had a very unfortunate experience but they are not inherently bad, and you don’t need to close yourself off from them any longer. You have shut them out and claimed them to be unreal out of self-protective measures”… well, what can I say, I was re-evaluating the entire last two to three years of my life in that moment.

It’s like she was affirming that the terrible things that happened to me were indeed spiritual and not psychological, and that I needed to accept that to fully heal. In that vein it’s like she was saying that I awoke something powerful inside me that I had no control over or no idea how to utilise, and it drove me insane and my body and mind totally shut down as a self-protective measure. She was again focusing again heavily on self empowerment and removed some kind of block that will gradually be released over time to allow me to gently ease myself into that strength.

So the attention was on overcoming my fear and giving me the confidence to grow in my spiritual abilities, but this time in the right way. I definitely got a clear picture of how to accomplish that, and it will require a lot of discipline on my end. I believed I was advanced before but I was arrogant. I was a child wielding a lightsaber. A bit like Anakin or Kylo (I can’t help the Star Wars reference!) I have to start at the basics, and get a very much needed foundation first.

Other things I felt she was focusing on were my obsessive compulsive disorder, the sinister entity that keeps trying to make my life hell, and general blockages in my body in general. As usual the sinister entity/voice was issuing empty threats and making (stronger) attempts to manifest, but what REALLY surprised me was when she got to the absolute root of my fear and I hadn’t even told her about what it was! I stayed generally vague in the email like “I believed I was possessed by demons once and it left a scar on me”. Well, what’s the very root of all my traumas? Jezebel.

Yes, it’s still intensely frightening to write about her (and I just had to pray to Durga for help calming myself – she’s very good with slaying my demons), but there was a clear moment of the healer touching that wound very specifically and purposely, and doing something there. Exactly what she did I’m not sure, I believe it was probably something very small and gentle in order to create a slow acting catalyst for me in future.

To be honest, I would not be surprised if Jezebel is actually the sinister voice in my head but I cant bear to think about it. It’s giving me a panic attack again thinking about it. So that’s all I will say on the matter. But I had to mention it as I felt the healer bargaining with a particular entity to leave me (probably the ‘sinister’ one) but it didn’t work. It’s stubborn and then I felt the healer prodding into my past (‘karma’, though I don’t think I really believe in karma but symbolically that’s the way my mind understood the past)… so I felt her prodding there to see where this entity came from, and I felt her reprogramming some stuff around that time period so that I can heal and this entity can leave me alone.

Wow all that was really hard to write as I am triggered now and I will probably have to take lots of nervine and sedative tinctures again. But that is my own report of what I experienced. Again I am interested in what her own report will say so I can see whether I’m really experiencing these things or if my mind is just making it up and I really am just psychotic. We will see. Either way I will be open about the conclusion.

Two weeks later:

The second two healing sessions I didn’t feel much to note here. But I did sign up to a Reiki course online and ended up receiving all three Reiki level attunements in one half hour session. I fell asleep during the attunement process which was very weird for me as usually energy keeps me wired and awake, so that left a very good impression on me. Reiki right from the bat grounded me and released all that excess nervous tension I’d been carrying around.

Since then I have been doing Reiki on myself every night as required, and have already passed level one and received my certificate for that. I am also studying Chios energy healing alongside it and hope to get all three attunements for that within the next few months. Definitely what all this healing has done has released a lot of my intense need to remain staunchly atheistic and agnostic out of terror that I will become psychotic again if I open myself to the spiritual again. But this time I am making sure I am thoroughly grounded, and that is taking precedence before all else. If I cannot then everything else is in vain. Being firmly grounded has become a number one priority to me.

But my goal has become absolute and clear in my mind. My goal, my purpose if you like, in this life is to heal others. Nothing else in my life can distract me from this fundamental truth now. It does not matter whether I am atheistic and focused on science or super theistic and focused on faith healing. I have set this path for myself and I am absolutely determined to carry it through to the end, whether through biomedicine, herbalism, or energy healing!

The turning point:

This night, almost a month after my first half hour healing session, and near a fortnight since my Reiki attunement, I decided to do my first proper ritual (as proper as proper can get in a Christian house!) under the Super-Blue-Blood moon, an awesomely rare event that hasn’t happened in 150 years. I did not plan my ritual to fall on this rare event as I planned the rite much before I knew the circumstances of the moon, but I felt in my heart that it was time, and right, to officially initiate myself as a witch. And I wanted to initiate myself under Diana, my Patron.

Although I’ve already noted the structure of the ritual in my virtual altar book of shadows, I want to go into detail here the amazing things that happened during. The emotional and spiritual shifts in my heart and also in the sacred space that I held. In fact, before I’d even started preparing the ritual, I felt the energy building up, and before I’d even invoked the watchers and Diana and her consort I felt their presence.

Whilst a ritual can skip all the tools, I found the tools really added to the atmosphere, and grounded me heavily within my body. I had a tea candle at each of the corners of my room, and a votive candle on my desk/altar which represented spirit, and then another two tea candles arranged in front to make a triangle shape, which represented Diana and her consort Dianus.

I cast the circle, and the presence was just incredible. I have never felt the energy just shift so quickly from mundane to super sacred like that. It’s like I was in my own little corner of heaven, it was emotional, I even was crying a bit as I felt all Diana’s love, but not just Diana, it was the love of Dianus and especially the love of the watchers. It’s like all their presences were just linked as one, with Diana at the forefront as center focus, and radiating throughout my entire being. I can’t explain just how magical it was.

I was meant to be naked during the ritual but I forgot, lol, besides it seems being naked is not at all that compulsory when you live in a country where it’s almost always cold and wet! So I didn’t berate myself too much. But after the initiation prayer, I had a vision of Diana in the heavens (with Dianus standing next to her), and she too was tearing up, and saying welcome, and some other things which was really moving.

My sense is that although I asked to hear the sounds of the animals as confirmation, she accepted me and pointed out that I have loads of  ‘animals’ in my room (pet dog, cat statue, tiger canvas, teddy bear!), and that I didn’t need to hear those things as she can tell me directly and know I will hear.

I did have a couple of close scares when I thought my room was going to be intruded upon, even though it was midnight when I was doing this. So I had some fleeting anxiety during those moments, but overall I managed to stay incredibly calm and mindful and just in a meditative state really, which is also surprising for me considering my anxiety. But it really does seem lately like my body is surprising me, as I am not feeling anxiety when I did before, and I can meditate for longer and longer and tend to forget to take my anti-anxiety medication until the afternoon!

So yes I am being healed and I am becoming the healer, and tonight was a shift that has been building for a while in my relationship with Diana. It definitely felt like a big deal spiritually, and I feel my life will change now. In what way I can’t say, but I hope it is for the best (and not psychosis again!).

Narcolepsy Update, The New Year, Becoming a Healer, and Being Healed (Part 1)

Happy New Year everyone! This post is going to be a little different today. But first I want to update that I am still waiting on the results of my lumbar puncture as I rang my neurologist and was told they still haven’t heard from the lab yet. Apparently there is only one laboratory in the whole country that diagnosis narcolepsy, so it can take its time. I am struggling to be patient as I lowered my amitriptyaline dose due to weight gain (again!), which has caused my symptoms to become worse again. I’m having sleep attacks most days now as well as migraines daily too (mostly silent migraines, but more painful ones too than before). My fatigue and cataplexy is worsening, but on the bright side I have not lost too much functionality. Mostly I am just irritated that I have to wait for the results to be medicated. My doctor won’t let me try the medicine that will make me better until then even though most doctor’s would’ve put me on it already.

Anyway, that is that. I had a very good year last year, and I’ve felt it’s been the best year of my existence so far. I have matured a lot and I feel very positive about the future. I have started the intermediary herbal course and am enrolling onto the Bachelor of Science in Herbal Medicine distance course for this September. Part of this decision was just that it felt right to do, and I enjoy it a lot. Another part of my decision is that I just feel deep in my bones that I’m a healer, and no matter what or how, I need to live in that truth. I need to live day by day healing myself and healing others.

It’s taken a long time to get to this point in my journey. In fact, I’ve healed so much, I’ve decided it’s about time I have a proper healer work on me again. Considering my past experiences with ‘healing’ I’m surprised I’m not more terrified, but again, it just felt right. Not that I can entirely trust my feelings after all the times in my life they have deceived me, but I’m not going to distrust myself either. I have to have some faith in myself!

So, long story short, this healer has decided to do four half an hour sessions on me over the next ten days. The exact times she is doing them I don’t know. The reason is because she is from Australia and as the days/nights are reversed there we supposed I would be asleep when she does the sessions. To be honest, I prefer not knowing so I don’t get myself anxiously worked up about the whole thing.

But last night as I was going to bed I had the strangest experiences. And that’s what I wanted to accomplish with this post – to log my experiences over the next ten days in regards to these healings. Maybe nothing more will happen, or maybe many things will happen. I don’t know. But all this is a precursor to me for learning energy healing again, and properly this time. I wanted a healer to help me with my traumas so I can do what I know I am meant to do. Be the healer I am meant to be.

Night two of the ten days:

So onto my experiences last night. It’s all a bit of a blur now. But I remember being slightly anxious before going to bed. But as soon as I got into bed everything suddenly ramped up majorly. I was having an anxiety attack and found myself unable to settle, let alone unable to sleep. I took large doses of multiple sedative and anti-anxiety herbs, which usually works but barely made a dent in my mental state this time. I was hallucinating (or is that having visions??? who knows!) an awful lot.

At first was the panic – the terror of being possessed by demons, then came the flashbacks of the times I was completely mad (psychotic? or possessed? again, who knows…) when I believed the demons were invading my body. Things I’d long forgotten came rushing back up to the surface with intense clarity; I was living the horrors all over again. After that came the sinister voice. It’s a sinister voice that has been with me since all the traumas started, almost three years now. I had not heard it in many months, but last night it started threatening me, threatening to possess me, threatening to drag me ‘back to hell’. Something had clearly triggered it, or made it mad. It was furious at me. But I am so used to its empty threats now (which is why I hadn’t heard it for months) that I just worked on blocking it out and focusing on the present.

It was incredibly difficult. Once it found it couldn’t threaten me, it made attempts to manifest through me. I could feel it trying to take control of my body again. But I resisted, I fought, and I ignored it as hard as I could under the circumstances. Considering the vividness of what I was going through, I was proud that I was able not to give in, and that I have grown so much stronger since this voice first started trying to ruin my life. It may have succeeded the first time, but I am determined to not let it again. It’s not any deity that saves me from my ‘demons’ (although surely they help some), but my own internal strength. Maybe that’s the lesson I needed to learn.

Meanwhile all this was going on, my entire body was sort of spasming and twitching, like there was a lot of movement and shifting going on inside. Like things were being removed and healthier things were being replaced. A new kind of empowerment awakened inside me during all this, and I found myself guided by a compassionate and supportive voice. I don’t know what it was. All I know is it was benevolent. It was holding my hand (metaphorically, I can’t say for literally lol), and making sure I was alright. It was helping me to go through whatever I was going through.

It also told me things about my future, but I don’t remember anything that was said now. Another thing it was telling me to do was to focus on my abdomen and breathing. Whilst I wasn’t able to sustain it, it did help doing it in intervals, and it felt like something was building and growing there. I saw this bright golden light developing which naturally identified itself as the Christ light of Jesus, and the benevolent voice again kept telling me to breath in that light to keep me strong whilst I was experiencing all this.

At the same time, I swear I could feel the healer telling me to let my past go, to give the pain up, and not just telling me, but it was like she was asking me if I wanted to let it all go. Either that or my own mind was asking me for permission if it could release all that trauma it was holding onto (not literally everything, but the certain things that I was experiencing through flashbacks). And I just passively let it happen as I was watching what was going on. By this time I was exhausted from just laying in bed fighting, and decided to diffuse some protective essential oils as well as put rue under my bed in a small pouch. Rue is a protective herb which Diana recommended to me. Before then I’d never tried it out in a magical way such as that.

Anyway, soon after that, I fell asleep pretty much instantly. But I dreamed of my abuser for the first time in a long time, which was strange. The only other important thing of note I remember is that I saw the words “I am mystic” glowing in the screen of my mind like neon signs. I don’t know what that means. I don’t want to assume. All I know is that I experienced all this and it was weird as I have not had anything happen to me like this for a long time. I was very firmly grounded in the natural. Now I don’t know where I stand anymore on all this. But it doesn’t matter. I am doing what I feel is right.

I believe what I experienced last night was the first half hour session, or at least the after effects of it. So that means I have three more sessions left. I will update with any experiences of these in a new post, and then once it is all over I will post the healer’s report if I find it appropriate. I am definitely interested to know what she has to say. Maybe it will give me some new insights.

Still Waiting on Results, Potential Future Studies, Forecasting the Digital Age, Cryptocurrency Boom, Eclectic Polytheism, and First Anniversary!

Hello everyone. Thought I’d update again. I’m still waiting on my lumbar puncture results for Narcolepsy with Cataplexy diagnosis, but I was told it may take a couple of months or more for the results to come through as there is only one place in the entire country that runs lab tests for this condition. I did have a dream the other night though that it arrived through the post and I was reading it, but all I was reading were a recap of my symptoms, and never read to the end where it told the result of the test. I hope maybe this dream maybe means that the letter is on its way, and soon I will know. If I turn out positive for it, then I can be put on Xyrem which will help an awful lot.

I’m also going to get my adrenals tested at some point. My doctor said they tested them already but I don’t think they did, at least not in depth. With everything I’ve learned about the function of cortisol in recent scientific studies (the enteric nervous system aka the gut communicates with the brain using cortisol making a link between mental disorders and autoimmune disorders with the stomach), I feel that my cortisol as a result of the complex post traumatic stress I experienced is probably very depleted and needs topping up. I was taking bovine adrenaline supplements for a few months but it didn’t make much impact on me, which apparently is a sign that my adrenals are too far gone and need cortisol and other direct hormonal treatment.

Apart from that, I am feeling quite a lot better these days. I am not normal still, but I can walk half an hour or so without collapsing, and I can do some chores, and do other hobbies that I enjoy (herbalism, arts and crafts) without much energy expenditure. If someone were to ask me though if I could work the answer is still definitely no. If I was careful and managed myself I could probably work for about an hour, maybe pushed to two hours, but I wouldn’t even be able to sustain that long term. So I’m still pretty weak, but I am somewhat functional again which is nice. I can’t take my dog out for daily walks (I can really only do one walk a week or perhaps two, otherwise my post exertional malaise builds again and I’m bedbound before I know it), but I have a volunteer now who takes her out most evenings after school. She’s a nice sixteen year old who wants a dog but her own mum is too ill to have one. So she looks after mine, and I give her a bit of pocket money too, which I think is just good to show appreciation.

Coming back to the work and hobbies topic, I have finished the introductory herbal course which I started in the summer, and got a certificate for that. But at the moment I’m not sure whether to continue with the intermediate, because I’m waiting for my diagnosis. If I do have narcolepsy then I can get treatment, which perhaps may allow me to do an NHS clinical medical scientist apprenticeship (starts at level two and advances all the way up to post graduate degree). So I think I’m waiting on that first. I love science and technology, science particularly I have always loved, and I know my destiny or whatever involves healing others, so medical science is the perfect career for me. The perfect mix of knowledge and nurture, two things I feel are integral to me as a person.

If I don’t get a diagnosis or if the medication for the narcolepsy doesn’t work (it doesn’t always), then I will probably continue with the intermediate herbal course. The thing is I have looked for online biomedical degrees and related fields, but unless I pay an eye and nose to do an online course abroad, there are no online courses in the UK. And I know I’m not well enough to go to college/university any time soon. But I’m just trying to trust in life and myself as well, that things will turn out good if I just keep positive and stay focused on what is true for me. Another thing though, is I’m also interested in the very infantile field of quantum programming. In fact it is so infantile is has only just really been born this year with Microsoft’s Q# language for upcoming quantum computers. However I have no experience in programming, but I have it on my “considering” list because it will probably be a job high in demand in the near future and probably a very well paid one. Also, I can do programming from my computer at home, which makes it ideal. So I could pursue one of the very many programming courses online, but I feel I would miss herbalism and the natural world, and just working with my hands in general.

But I am thinking very long term these days, and I think I got that trait from my dad, as who as a magistrate and president for the department of justice in Mexico definitely needs to think long term. In a way his story is also inspiring to my subconscious mind that links us – he came from nothing and made a great life for himself. Even though I am not in contact with him very often. But I’m hoping that maybe will change in future as I want to reconcile with him, and we have texted about it a little.

So in regards to long term planning, I have heard about the massive surge in bitcoin value and cryptocurrencies in general, which also is another thing in its early infancy. It is probable that in this ever increasing information and digital age, money will eventually become digital too, and switch from paper to cryptocurrency, which means it’s very important to invest now whilst it’s still kicking off. The banks have been trying to shut down bitcoin but to no avail – instead they are finding themselves having to work with the owner of bitcoin, and other newly establishing cryptocurrencies. I have read that those who invest forty pounds into bitcoin in it’s first and second years are now millionaires, as the value has increased so much with the current price at around eleven thousand pounds per bitcoin. And that is still predicted to go up to a hundred thousand pounds per bitcoin in the next ten years or so. My idea is that if I invest now, I may have a nice pension at least to live off or even just to support me, as I know in my current condition I won’t get anything, and living off benefits is miserable and difficult. At the very least investing will be a helping hand. So that is another avenue I am following currently.

I am just very interested in the future in general, and I always have been to be honest. I wish I could be alive in a thousand years just to see how things have progressed from now. We are at such an exciting time, and also with my love for nature too, I feel I am taking a bright green environmentalist stance where clean technology can be integrated alongside nature. Which is why I think I support the Green Party UK now, as they hold that kind of political stance. I am also somewhat interested in the potential future political systems, and how our government will evolve with the decentralised internet connecting the globe as one entity. I am very happy being alive and just watching and observing the trends, but more than anything I would love to be a part of it all, a part of creating this new and evolved world for ourselves. Also I’ve been quite on the edge of my seat with all the possible hints towards extraterrestrial life lately. Maybe I will be on the edge of my seat for a while still, but imagine how our world will change if/when we finally make contact with another, perhaps more advanced benevolent race. Even if they are not benevolent, we would still learn so much from an alien culture, which to me is very exciting.

But enough rambling about aliens (I brought it up I think as Nasa is due to make an exciting announcement from the team up of the Kepler telescope and Google’s deep mind AI in the next couple of hours – it’s probably not aliens, but still, haha). Spirituality wise I am still working with Diana – I have my ups and downs with it, as it’s hard to really honour her in relative secret, but I am also working with Durga again, and am considering devoting myself to her to some extent too. She is just so good, so motherly, so strong, and her comfort and power is often what I find myself needing. She helps a lot with my mental conditions, and with helping me overcome them. She teaches me to battle my demons and slay them. I am also sort of reconsidering Jesus. I have made a peace offering to Jesus apologising for my rudeness earlier this year when I cut him out completely. The thing is I know he’s still watching over me and likely always will as I come from a family that worships him, so I am still debating whether or not to make him part of my practice again, but more from a liberal gnostic pagan view.

So me and Jesus are on better terms, but I’m still unsure about adding him to my practice. Part of my misgiving is that I feel more comfortable with female deities, as I am more comfortable with all females in general thanks to my upbringing of abuse by male hands. Interestingly, Diana and Durga actually get on very well together, despite being from completely different cultures. And Neither of them mind about Jesus. But I don’t know if I can say the same the other way, however I feel that Jesus would probably be happy if I worked with him in any way, even if not exclusively. He does seem to be quite obsessed with working me, lol. Also if you think about he embodies the shaman archetype, as he crossed the ‘world tree’ (cross) to travel through the three realms (earth, hell, and heaven), and for that reason is the natural magical healer and protector. Which are two things I seem to relate to a lot. So maybe that’s just it.

I was going to write another thing but it’s escaped my mind now. The last thing I want to write is how this month is the anniversary of mine and Graeme’s relationship, which for me is a very happy moment and worth celebrating. I’ve not had a stable relationship like this before, nor one that even lasts this long, so I feel very proud of us, and feel like I’m growing up a lot in my mind these past few months, with that positivity and strength that fills me up from the inside and makes me feel like absolutely everything is ok with me, even when it’s not. I’m content for the first time in my life.

Update – Archetypes & Soulmates/Twin-flames, What Are They Really?

I’ve decided to revamp my blog again. I’d been looking over it and it’s hard to believe I started this blog nearly seven years ago, when I was only eighteen years old. This blog has told a story, and it’s very fascinating to look back and see my own evolution and adventures as a curious (and at times very stupid) human being.

I have gone through many phases which all show themselves on this blog – yet again I feel I have started a new phase. I have been through a massive journey, and I doubt I have barely even begun. I am a spiritual seeker – that is obvious. I am thirsty for knowledge, and hungry for the nourishing food that heals our minds and bodies.

Today I wanted to touch on a couple of topics that I used to write heavily about, and to note down what I believe now compared to them. Also to note how my understandings have changed and are now currently morphing as I gain new information with which to orient my world around.

One particular thing I remember writing a lot about – a long time ago, were the archetypal projections of the psyche, as theorised by Carl Jung. I had this idea that there was this ultimate state of being which was a unified whole and which humanity in general had to work towards: Individuation. I started off by finding my ‘animus’ in my dreams, working through my ‘shadow’, and finding my ‘Self’.

I remember in my cognitive behavioural therapy last year, I told my therapist, Adriana, about my conceptions of finding my ‘Self’, and she tried to get me to see that my ideas of the Self were very static and hardly flexible at all. Whilst my therapy only lasted a few months, it was incredibly helpful and opened my mind to new ways of seeing. It helped especially that Adriana was specifically a psycho-spiritual therapist.

Now when I think about archetypes, in fact when I think about anything, I try to use nature as my guide. Remember that phrase “as above so below”? Well, whilst that’s not the mantra I repeat to myself, I think that the inherent meaning holds a lot of truth. You see, these days, I’m a naturalist, and I don’t believe that anything possibly spiritual can be apart from the natural realm and beyond the scope of scientific scope.

Well, when it comes to archetypes, you see archetypes everywhere. There is the father archetype, the mother archetype, the child archetype, the evil archetype, the good archetype (more on that later), the point being here is that there are billions of humans who all carry and express these potential archetypes at some times.

I relate this in a way to theism – why would there be a single deity, God, when in nature there are always many of one particular species? There must be many gods too. Likewise, there must be many archetypal father gods, archetypal mother goddesses, archetypal children, etc. It doesn’t mean that there is only one deity with these perfectly segregated archetypes.

So, back to good and evil. The same thing applies. When I think about demons and angels, why are they considered different ‘species’? They are traditionally described as being the same species, the only thing separating them is their morality. But life isn’t as black and white as all that. If it were so, why are there not two hugely different divides of human beings, one evil and one good? It’s not like that. Most people are on the grey spectrum.

And so, I don’t believe there are such a thing as angels and demons (if they exist). It’s more like if there were actually a deified race, they would be diverse, with morality all over the spectrum. So where then does that leave angels and demons? If the divide is erased, then all I have left to conclude is that they are principal archetypes of morality. But even then, it’s not like you use one completely over the other. It’s not like a father who is also a teacher uses one completely over the other. The archetypes are all used interdependently between each other.

Therefore I think the archetype naming of angel and demon is arbitrary, and I think back to how Jung used to class his good/evil archetypes and I believe he used the terms the ‘shadow’ and the ‘Self’. The Self not being some ideal thing we are supposed to attain, but instead the positively aligned aspects of ourselves being expressed as opposed to the negatively expressed aspects.

There is no wrong or right answer here, there is no end goal, it is just more about how we decide we want to express ourselves, personally, in our own unique combination. And throughout my journey my archetypal aspects have shifted a lot in some ways, and preferred the same ways of operating in other ways. For example, my own archetypes that have always liked continued expression are the seeker and the healer. Sometimes too I have expressed the child, especially during my dissociative state, and lately these days I find myself expressing the mother as I now have my very own furbaby.

Sometimes I too find myself expressing the shadow, and other times too I find myself expressing the Self. The Self in my eyes now being nothing more than that other aspect of us that sometimes likes expression. It is not an independent entity, not a soul as in a higher self. However, it may like to express itself differently compared to another person’s inherent understanding of their own Self.

This is probably quite a different take to Carl Jung’s original hypothesis, and to be honest my views on this will probably continue to morph and evolve as I grow, and as I explore more of who I am as a person. I have given up trying to become something that was never meant to be an end goal in the first place, and I have stopped spiritualising something that was at most a mathematical equation to explain how the psyche works.

Beyond that, I also wanted to talk about twin flames and soulmates. I used to be heavily obsessed with the concept, after thinking time after time that I’d met many of mine over the years, and I even came up with many of my own propositions as to how that could be, how it works, and why it happened. I guess, in some ways I still carry some of my more practical views, but in other ways I don’t follow the concept at all.

The idea of a soulmate or twin flame is that you have this perfect one out there waiting for you, and that one day you will meet, energetically merge, and become this power couple on earth spirituality. My previous understanding of the concept before my psychotic breakdown (or spiritual emergency or whatever you want to call it) was that a twin flame could be absolutely anyone, and that it was our complete but momentary compatibility that caused such an intense connection of telepathy and love.

Well, that’s a very spiritual view of the whole concept. These days I try to naturalise everything as much as possible, even whilst admitting there are just some things neither I or science cannot yet explain (empathy for example). Yet that doesn’t mean I believe there isn’t a rational explanation, just that we haven’t found it yet. Yes, I have experienced some very weird connections within intimate relationships, where I have had that intense empathy and telepathy, and I can’t science it in any way.

But, put all that aside, I think that physically my previous understanding of the concept is still right in a sense, in that our ‘soulmate’ is literally anyone we have a complete but yet temporary identification with. And temporary can mean a few seconds, or many years, it depends. But we all change and grow, and who we completely identify with one year may not be the same as the next year. So then we have many potential soulmates or twin flames.

The thing is however, I am not seeing this romanticised anymore as is done within the new age movement. I am forgetting all about rosy-lensed beliefs and just sticking to the practical facts here. My boyfriend is my soulmate/twin-flame because we get on really great. That’s it! Those who used to be my soulmates (twin flames/whatever) were back then, but they’re not anymore. That’s the simple truth.

So then, do I believe a soulmate/twin-flame is a spiritual thing? No. I no longer believe in soul groups, energy, or the idea of ‘union’. Do I believe my boyfriend Graeme is the same soul as me, or a similar soul, or part of a soul group, or whatever? No, I don’t. I believe that right now we are closest in the way we experience the world and as a result perhaps some of our neuronal processes and pathways are very similar, perhaps creating the illusion of mind reading (through the activation of mirror neurons – look it up).

So yes, you can see how I’ve taken some of my previous ideas on twin flames and soulmates and applied it to my currently reality in a less spiritualised way. So I can be said to be taking the same approach to the question, but in a different manner: A more naturalised manner.

Winter is Here, The Triple P, NHS Apprenticeship, & Narcolepsy Tests

Well, I’m back! It’s November and a couple of months have passed since I last posted. The winter is arriving full force, the temperature is down to one degree Celsius in the morning, and the cold loving plants that usually bloom in early spring are starting to bloom for the second time this year before their last pre-spring dormancy period.

Everything is beautiful at this time of year, and this time of year in England has always been my favourite. The air is fresh and crisp, the skies are clear and bright, the sun is shining brilliantly and everything seems so much more vibrant, even with the deciduous trees losing their leaves and becoming barren. It’s a wonderful reminder how even though death is part of the cycle of life, there is still always life, and death can ultimately be transcended as nothing more than a beautiful transition between one state of matter to another.

I’ve become very in tune with nature and her seasons since studying herbalism. I feel like I know our mother earth much more deeply than I ever thought was possible. It has revealed many things to me, and I feel much more content and secure than ever. Who knew that there were flowers that liked blossoming in winter? I certainly didn’t! But now I do, and I’m excited and just in awe at how beautiful everything is at this time of year. For the first time winter isn’t the end of summer for me: Instead winter is the beginning of wonderful new life. Death is not an end, it’s merely a beginning.

As you can probably tell, my positivity from my last post is still in full force. It has actually just become such a large part of me now, a staple within my personality that I never knew I needed. I am happy and content inside, and find it enjoyable and easy to feel vibrant and alive, to look to hope and love, to fight and be strong.

My journey with agnostic paganism is still a part of that. Diana is good to me and brings me a lot of internal strength. She stays by my side supporting me, loving me, and gently guiding me. But when it comes to spiritual protection from my ‘demons’ her approach is more one of internal change than eradication of what ails me. She will not do my work for me, which is a good thing. At the same time however sometimes I just need that help during particularly bad episodes, and I have found myself turning back to Durga again.

I don’t think either Diana or Durga mind if I work with both of them. Diana knows sometimes I need my attacks to be slayed, but she also knows that ultimately I need to build that own strength up inside me so I can be strong enough to ward them off on my own. And Durga doesn’t seem to mind that I’m an English girl dedicated to a Roman Goddess who is invoking an Indian deity from a religion I don’t share theology with (any longer). Interesting though how Shiva was my main deity role model for ages before my interest in paganism and he is the husband of Durga.

Anyway, so I am still going strong with Diana and reaching out a little bit and exploring the pagan world as it applies to me at the moment. I still don’t know if I believe the gods are real, sometimes I think they are, other times I think I’m just hallucinating. Sometimes I think they are probably just advanced extraterrestrials communicating with us through some kind of quantum telepathy. Who knows. The theology itself isn’t too important to me these days. It’s more about what makes me feel good, because what makes me feel good improves my quality of life regardless of what it is (as long as it’s ethical) and should be pursued. But that’s my apparent Utilitarianism talking.

And Paganism does make me feel good, it makes me feel connected and grounded, and for some inexplicable reason, centers me into the real me, as if it’s who I’ve always been but never known. I just feel connected both on a spiritual and physical level. I feel connected to my ancestors and my generational line, to my evolutionary history, to the waters of the sea and the dirt of the ground where we all came from. I feel human, I feel part of something bigger than me. I guess I feel a sense of collective consciousness and identity, which isn’t that different to how I felt those few years back when I had my supposed “enlightenment experience”. Except the context is quite different. In that vision I felt connected to the universe on  non-personal level. In this context I feel connected to all living things on a personal level.

Perhaps collective consciousness is just what humans strive for. We are social animals after all, and maybe our end goal is the post-human state of the singularity which has us all as one mind, still individual yet all connected. Even if it’s something we may never achieve, and something that doesn’t really exist anyway (pantheism), I think that perhaps that’s what will always drive us. Connection with others. Or perhaps that’s just what drives me these days. After all I can really only talk for myself, not for others.

A somewhat related but interesting thing that has been on my mind lately is the idea of archetypes. There was a point in my life where I was obsessed with archetypes and believed them to be god-like entities that ruled humanity. For example, the archetype of the Self being the ultimate God-others-connection. But I had always come at archetypes from a monotheistic kind of view. That there’s only one of each archetype, that there’s an ultimate that governs every archetype. How could this be more wrong? Things in nature are never solitary. There’s the archetype of the father but there are also billions of fathers on this planet. Why should it be any different for the gods?

And this gets me onto hard polytheism vs soft polytheism. A lot of soft polytheists will lump a lot of gods together like they are all the same, especially with the Wiccan maiden-mother-crone archetype. For example they will equate Diana as being the same Goddess as Isis, just because they may share a lot of characteristics. But that’s as erroneous as saying I’m the same human being as the girl down the street from me just because we share a lot of things in common. Yes we may share a lot of archetypal imprints in common, but we are two totally different people.

I feel this is where the soft polytheism goes wrong, and why the idea of an ultimate God-archetype cannot exist. Archetypes are archetypes, they are simplified patterns of behaviour, they are abstract and not actually anything real on their own. They cannot be used to equate the gods interchangeably. And the reason I am writing all this is because when I started out on my path of following the Goddess, I did originally believe all goddesses were one Goddess. But now it makes no sense to me. When did anything ever have a single creator? Sophia the world’s first robot to be awarded a Saudi Arabian citizenship was created by a group of scientists, not just one person. And among those group of scientists they were not the only humans existing. There is an entire human population which ultimately through centuries of hard work all contributed to the current knowledge we have to be able to create our own creation – Sophia the robot.

And it’s the same for the gods. They either created us as some advanced species, or they too are a product of evolution and just happened to evolve before us. Who knows the possibilities? But I am trying to understand this from a more practical approach, because let’s face it, when you really get down to it the whole idea of Monotheism doesn’t have any feet to stand on at all. Monotheism is completely against nature, and now maybe it’s only that I’ve been feeling in tune with nature and her seasons that I have come to this realisation. That there is no one ‘Source’, but that in fact each life is perfectly unique in itself.

This brings me onto my last topic I think, which is also only somewhat related, but I have nearly finished the introductory herbalist course I started, and whilst I’m not sure what I want to do between now and when I get better, I do know that once I am perfectly healthy and energetic again my desire is to sign up to the NHS apprenticeship and through their PTP program graduate as a clinical scientist, the benefit being that I can work and study what I desire at the same time. The health sector is definitely for me and it’s taken me all these years to realise that I was a born healer and that I just needed to find my own path to heal others. And mine I think is the scientific route, not the ‘energy’ route, if you know what I mean. No more pranic healing and reiki, but loads more research into human enhancement technology.

I was born both to be a scientist and a healer, it’s just who I’ve always been. So in a sense I guess you can say this post is about how I’ve been finding myself, when I thought I was lost, I found myself again in a place I never expected. I may have been badly fucked up with the psychosis (spiritual crisis?), but it has changed me so much for the better, and I sometimes find myself thankful for all the horror I went through because I would not be this person now. I thought after what I went through I would and could never feel thankful for it, but amazingly I do, and I probably wouldn’t change any of it.

The last thing I will write about is how I am hoping I may have the right treatment soon and be perfectly healthy and energetic again like any average person. I have Narcolepsy and Cataplexy exams coming up next Wednesday, where they will do a lumbar puncture to measure the levels of Orexin in my brain, and also I will sleep over night and they will measure my brain waves to see if they are acting normal between wake-sleep-wake cycles. The doctor told me it does sound like I have narcolepsy with cataplexy and if the diagnosis turns out positive a lot of the suffering I am going through can be near completely eradicated with the medication they have. So I’m very happy and excited about that. I am getting my hopes up but I am also being realistic and realise if the results turn out negative, even then it’s one thing ruled out and I can go onto the next lead. It’s progress either way, so I’m feeling very hopeful.

 

Being Productive, Studying Medicine, Goddess Dedication, and BTS New Album!

I don’t really think I have much drive to continue this blog anymore. But I will anyway as it’s years old and has recorded my entire life story. Even if I don’t update anymore as frequently, I will keep this blog up and running.

To be honest, a lot has changed with me. I am not like I used to be. I used to think a lot, and write all my thoughts down as a way to expel them from my mind. The intellectual part of me hasn’t changed at all but the way I’m dealing with it has matured (in my opinion). I am trying to be more active and productive with my curious mind and make some good of the world. I know what I have to offer is probably not a lot, but I finally feel like when I die, no matter if there is an afterlife or not, I can die in peace knowing I lived to my absolute fullest, that I loved to my fullest, that I fought my battles with mental and physical health bravely without fail.

I have lately developed an incredible strength inside myself that seems to come out of nowhere. Not in terms of I no longer get anxious or no longer have obsessive compulsive thoughts, or no longer get hallucinations or even depression. But rather, I seem to be able to just take all these things as they come and not even bother me. I can get depressed and be totally optimistic and positive at the exact the same time. What has happened? I can think of killing myself and in the same thought I can then pick up my sword and kill the thought that’s telling me to kill myself, and then get on with my day. What gives? It’s really amazing. I just have this endurance and will to live stronger than ever. Death is just totally an alien concept to me and everything I fight for is life itself. Not just for my own life, but the thought that I can help others lives.

What has changed? Not much actually, but I am still staying true in my devotion to Diana, and I think this is my reward. Maybe she is just a psychological archetype I am identifying with on some level, identifying with the empowered feminine archetype, who is totally secure in my own existence, but maybe too it is something more and I have finally found my path in life. A path of compassion and healing and progression. For the first time ever I feel like my reason for living isn’t derived from any fear of death or from any hopeful ideas of the afterlife, but instead my reason is coming from inside myself and from my own confidence in my own existence. Isn’t it weird?

I am absolutely dedicated to this path that is opening to me. I am dedicated to connecting with my Goddess, to going down the path of herbal medicine, and of just being alive and being happy. I am dedicated as always to self-improvement and I am absolutely thriving lately. I feel wonderful, on top of the world. I have a strength which feels like nothing can shake. Is it my spiritual devotion or is it just part of my nature that has been denied until now? Although my physical health is very bad, I actually feel more freedom than I ever have done in my entire life. It’s like I’m flying through life, just as I’m flying in my dreams through the sky higher and higher and absolutely having a wild time.

I have been through absolute hell in my life, but I let it all go into the past, and now I am just whole heartedly embracing my life, and love, and Goddess. I am seriously in such an amazing place. A place I never knew existed, and I wish for everyone to feel like this. My happiness is not fake, it’s not put on, it’s not self-deluding. It’s real, and it’s guiding me through my individual walk, like a magical angel holding my hand and leading me through the darkness, nudging me to keep going. Is this really all my doing? Is this the doing of my new spiritual affection? As long as I live I will likely never know. But I am committed to seeing both through.

My relationship with my boyfriend is still going very strong, stronger than ever, my mum just got remarried to a wonderful man, I am studying again (from home) and focusing all my passion onto a course that absolutely invigorates me. I may not have my own herbal business, but I will one day cure people from their sicknesses, as medicine has turned my own life around. I am determined to be learned in the art of curing others from a completely holistic approach, so that I can make the world a better place.

Also, BTS have just today released their new single and mini album! What is better than that! I have such great reasons to be loving life. Next year I will go to South Korea with my boyfriend and see them in concert. There is so much to be looking forward to.

I may not have completely reconciled yet the horrors I went through between 2015 to 2016, but I do know that right now I am doing better than I have ever done throughout my whole life, and shit is good. I can’t really add anymore to that!