Life Update, Meeting my Animus, and the Light Ahead

I don’t know where to start with this post.. I’ve been having trouble opening my posts lately. It seems like I start in the middle of a thought and never finish it, leaving the entire thing hanging from a thread. Well, this post is a mixture of sorts, an update of a few things that have been going on in my life lately and the way it may affect my future. Where to start.

As anyone who reads these posts should know, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fix a lot of psychological problems I have that are the result of childhood abuse. I’ve spent a lot of time in the grip of darkness, and over this last year I’ve spent a lot of time trying to communicate with my shadow in order to heal myself. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve had my ups and downs, mostly my downs, that is when I can actually feel anything at all. I’ve spent most of the past few months in a hazy post trauma, with no one and nothing else to turn to but myself and my propensity for escapism. At one point I did try becoming a ‘normal’ person, but that didn’t work. There were too many issues, and there still are. However, something amazing has happened to me lately, a miracle even.

I spend some time on a forum called personality-cafe, which is a place where people discuss personality theories such as MBTI, Enneagram, Socionics, and other systems. I like the forum because there are a congregation of like-minded people there, and I can be intellectual on that front without needing to worry about people thinking me to be arrogant. Sometimes I can be arrogant, but it’s all part of my character building I think. I mostly go there to learn about these systems and theorize over them and try to figure out how to integrate them into my life to make be a better person. The main personality theory that exists there and indeed anywhere else on the internet is MBTI, which is a variant of the Jungian theory of personality. The Jungian personality typing system was invented by a man named Carl Jung, a psychologist who also came up with the idea of the psychological shadow.

Now on this site I met a man there who also spends a lot of time with his shadow, something that I’d seen no one else do before even on that site where everyone there is well aware of Jung and his theories. We started talking and it turned out that we had much in common. Long story short he became my first ever serious completely monogamist boyfriend. (Amazing, right? I can’t believe it myself.) Anyway, he opened my eyes to a whole other world inside me, a world I never knew existed. One of these things I wanted to talk about today. There’s a part inside of every human called the Anima, or Animus depending on your gender. A man has a female Anima and a woman has a male Animus. Now I’m still not entirely sure what these do yet, but I’ve read that these psychological archetypes are the opposite half of our self and that acknowledgement and development of them can help to make us fully integrated and psychologically whole, as they contain many admirable qualities such as love, wisdom, ect; good qualities that we tend to reject. This part of our psyche tends to be projected mostly in members of the opposite sex, especially fantastical dreams of prince and princess charming’s.

Development of the Anima/Animus usually comes after development of the shadow, because if the shadow isn’t worked on first then the Anima/Animus can lose itself and become corrupt; too much of any good thing is always a bad thing. Usually the shadow and animus aren’t worked on until midlife or later, but due to my childhood abuse I’ve been plunged what feels like my whole life in my shadow, and so I’ve had to work on it faster than most people, as some of my previous posts can attest. So lately I’ve just been trying to sort my shadow out. I haven’t even been trying to work on my Animus. But then this amazing person appeared in my life and things started changing..

When I was about nine years old I day dreamed regularly of a perfect prince charming coming to rescue me, as does any nine year old. I also had a few sleeping dreams during that time where I met and fell in love with a wonderful romantic man. I lived for these dreams at that age. Now as anyone who studies this stuff knows, this is actually my psyche’s projection of my Animus. I didn’t know this at this age however. I stopped caring about fantasies and day dreams that I knew not to be part of the real world. I all but gave up. The dreams stopped after a year or two and I never had them again. Not until last night, eleven years later.

I was talking with my boyfriend yesterday about how talking to him makes me feel as if I’m nine years old again, with all those hopes and dreams. I feel so innocent and pure when we talk. It’s a weird feeling.. it feels good though. It makes me feel happy, a feeling I’m not particularly used to. But not just happy.. it’s a hard feeling to describe. This isn’t like being ‘in love’, it’s not infatuation.. it’s something so much deeper and purer than that. And apparently this has reawakened my Animus, that innocent part of me that I didn’t even know was long missing.

Last night I had a simple dream, and yet the implications of it are astounding. I dreamed that I saw a man, a man that I had known for a long time. When I walked past him I immediately noticed his negative mood. He was looking very snarky actually. He looked like he was severely depressed and he had a very passive-aggressive air about him. It should’ve been disconcerting, but I also immediately saw what the problem was. He was using that negative vibe as a cover for the things he was really feeling. Really he was just incredibly upset. He was all alone and had no one to talk to, and from the looks of things he’d been like this for a long time. So he protected himself the best way he knew how to – by being snarky.

I decided to go up to him and ask if he was okay. He ignored me and brushed me off at first but I realized that the act was half-hearted and that all he really needed was someone to talk to. So I put my hand on his shoulder and told him that it was okay for him to tell me. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere. And then all of a sudden he broke down crying. It was torrential and incredibly heart-breaking. Everything he was feeling flooded out as he held on to me for what seemed like his dear life. He was so incredibly upset. Then he started begging me not to leave, he wanted me to stay, he didn’t want to me to discard him. I wrapped my arms around him, tears streaming down my face at the emotion that was flooding through me and held on to him for my dear life. I told him I was to stay forever. I told him I would never leave. And at that point I felt such an incredible sense of wholeness and belonging it was unreal. This man was one of the reflections of my Animus.

My Animus is ultimately a part of me, and it just made me feel really sad that I’d been hiding and carrying around all this pain inside without even realizing it. I discarded half of myself away for ‘self protection’, and it was necessary at the time to do that with what I was going through, but now we’ve reconnected and I just feel so incredibly happy. I feel like this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life for me. A time where I can heal and move on and grow. And now for first time in my life I can see the way ahead of me. That way is a path of individuation, something that I’ve been striving for for a long time now but didn’t realize until now.

Individuation: the transformational process of integrating the conscious with the personal and collective unconscious. – (Jung, 1962, p. 301).

The personal unconscious being the shadow and the Animus/Anima, and the collective unconscious being everything that connects humans together, or ‘God’ if you like. Although I prefer to think of it as ‘the Source’. The Anima/Animus actually is part of both the personal AND collective unconscious, so you could say that now I have a link to God. How awesome is that?

This dream and some of the other dreams I’ve been having lately are so promising. Actually a couple of night’s before I had this dream I dreamed something which symbolized that my ties to my step-dad and the way he treated me are finally being cut, and that there are new opportunities now ahead of me. And then I met my Animus and everything just feels like it’s falling into place for once. I expect that I may have a few more of these dreams now where I’ll meet my Animus and talk to him. I have no idea how to meet him consciously, since all my conscious effort goes on my shadow. It maybe not even be possible since it’s partially hidden in the collective unconscious, but I will look it up. For now I just wanted to share all the amazing things that have been transforming inside me.

The future looks bright. I’m cutting old chains and moving forward. I am walking out of the dark and into the light. And despite my random bipolar moments I just feel so incredibly happy and whole for the first time in my life.

Making Peace with my Shadow

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the psychological shadow, and how I spend a lot of my time trying to make peace with mine. She wanted to know how exactly one goes about ‘making peace with their demons’, so to speak, and I realized then that I had never actually learned how to properly make peace with mine. I’ve learned to converse with it from time to time out of coping techniques I’ve had to build for myself, but I never once searched up how to properly face your shadow. So what did I do yesterday? I decided to research it.

Turns out that properly conversing with your shadow involves light meditation and imagery work. It’s actually a technique found in Shamanism. I decided that it had been a long time since I last meditated and did some imagery work, so I decided to do some this morning whilst I had the house to myself for a while. I found it ironic how whilst my family were going to church to commune with ‘God’, I was preparing to take a trip into the darkest recesses of my mind.

Now I’m no master of meditation, and I don’t really do it that often, but I think I have the basic techniques down. Lay down comfortably, stop moving, count your breaths or repeat a mantra, control and slow your breathing down, quiet your mind, ect. As it was imagery work though I stopped counting my breaths after a few minutes when my mind was silent, although I kept an eye on the speed of my breathing. I had some dark ambient music on too, which I’ve found extremely useful for trips into the subconscious before.

Also when I say ‘imagery work’ I have to just mention here that most of it is just impressions upon my mind until I’ve been in a meditative state long enough to actually see the images before me in a hypnogogia like state. Altogether I was meditating for about twenty-five minutes. I’ve found that time goes a lot faster in the mind, and sometimes it even feels like I’ve time traveled when I come out of it again. The mind truly is an amazing thing.

I decided to write what I remember happening here as a record. I’m going to try writing it in story format rather than list what happened, but I will try my hardest not to embellish it too much. Without further ado:

I closed my eyes and found myself in the midst of a marsh. There were bits of organic debris strewn around everywhere and the mud was thick beneath my feet. I raked my hands through the mud, trying to get a feel of the place. I looked up and I saw a setting sun. The sky was golden and it gave off a slight eerie vibe. I decided to start walking straight ahead, raking my hands through the mud a few more times along the way. After a while I came towards a large expanse of water that resembled an ocean. I looked out across it wondering where to go next, and I wondered if my shadow would show itself to me then. So I called for it across the water. Nothing happened. I was disappointed, but resolved to find another way. Suddenly the air above the water became misty and the next time I blinked and opened my eyes I found myself in cave.

The cave was large and I could hear a ravine off to the far side. As I looked around, I noticed a woman floating by me. Then I noticed a man standing beside her. He had a knife in his hand and it was poised to strike at the woman. The woman’s eyes flew open and they were deep red, and at that moment I shouted at him to stop. I didn’t want her to die. I did almost succeed in getting him to stop, but ultimately he did not listen to me. The knife came down and as the blade struck her skin, a monster came out of the shadows behind them. It started towards me and I fell backwards trying to get away. In my effort to escape I fell down a small tunnel. I was worried that the monster would follow me, but he was too big to get down the tunnel.

At the end of the tunnel I found myself in another, smaller cave. I stood up and saw that in front of me there was another tunnel leading out of it. There was a light at the end of this tunnel, but it felt ominous and I was suddenly too terrified to carry on with my journey. After what felt like an eternity however, I plucked up the courage and started slowly walking through the tunnel. As I walked through it it weirdly got darker, until I found myself in a partly lit room. There were torches hanging from the walls, and I saw a skeleton hanging beside one of the torches. It didn’t seem scary though, even when it stretched its hand out towards me. It caressed my cheek, and then fell lifeless again. I noticed there were other skeletons hanging on the walls, and wondered why there were all there, but before I could think of an answer I noticed that there was a light coming again from in front of me where the room led away into another place.

I walked over to it cautiously and found myself looking down at a staircase. I went down it, wondering what was at the bottom. As I approached the bottom I noticed that the space above me was opening up. Finally I came to the last step and I found myself in another world. The sky was dark, omitting only a little starlight. Around me there were trees and bushes, and I realized I was in a forest. I could hear animals scurrying around me, and I felt lost. I got on my knees and started crying out for help. None came however, and I decided to get up and carry on walking. Not a far way off I came to the edge of a cliff. I didn’t know where to go next, and I didn’t want to turn back. I asked the wind what to do next, and it responded to me, telling me to jump off the cliff. So I did.

I was falling for what felt like an eternity. I wasn’t afraid of what would happen once I hit the bottom, and once I hit the ground below I got up and brushed myself off. I expected to be bleeding at least, but I was absolutely fine. I looked around and found myself in a clearing in a yet another forest. Off to the side there was a woman staring off into the overgrowth. She was dressed in armor, and I made my way over to her. I asked her if it was dangerous in the forest. She told me that it was indeed. I then asked her how long she had been in this place. She replied that she had been stuck down here for fifty years. Before I had the chance to be surprised though she grabbed my arm and shushed me to be quiet. So I did. And all of a sudden my awareness returned to my body laying in my bed.

(Now this is going to sound weird but this legit happened, and actually come to think of it I’ve had a similar experience before.) Wondering why I was no longer in my subconscious, I tried to center and then enter my mind again, but as I did I felt an overwhelming dark presence standing over me. It was a shadow. I hadn’t actually expected to be outside my mind when meeting it. But I was absolutely petrified. I had to literally fight with myself to not open my eyes and look around to make sure there was nothing there. It was scary as fuck. Then I felt it lean over me. My already extreme levels of fear doubled and I thought at one point that maybe demons do exist. I created a mental barrier, by swathing myself in white light as the Wiccans do, and mentally spoke to the presence. I told it it could only enter if it wasn’t out to harm me. I then mentally equipped myself with a knife and told it that I would use it if necessary. I prepared myself to strike as it leaned in closer, but weirdly the closer it got the less afraid I felt.

Finally its face was level with mine and I looked into its eyes. At first I saw nothing but the deepest black, but the further in I looked, the clearer they got, until I could see into the shadow’s soul. It was pure innocence. All my fears dissipated. I told it that it was really a nice person, but no one could see that past the dark vibe it gave off. It agreed with me and added that it felt misunderstood and lonely for that exact reason. And that was when I realized I was talking to myself. It affirmed what I was thinking and went on to tell me that he was a part of me whose existence I had long since ignored. It then told me to quieten my mind and relay what I could hear. I couldn’t hear anything though.

Next thing I knew I was standing above my own body, knife in hand, stabbing myself over and over again. I then felt other more distant shadowy presences by me. The other shadow I had been talking to came and told me that it would protect me. It told me not to worry. My awareness returned to my body then, and the shadow grabbed a hold of my hand and merged into me. As it was doing this, my awareness fell back into the depths of my mind. I found myself in a void. I heard a voice call out to me from the depths of my mind and I replied. I had a conversation with the voice, although it was fairly lengthy and I don’t remember much of what we were talking about. I remember arguing a bit.

At one point I found myself standing inside the Colosseum. It was empty and it looked as if it hadn’t been maintained in over a millennium. The walls were crumbling and the color was faded from them. And then the voice I had been speaking to told me that this was its home. It was trapped in here without choice, left to decay within the walls. Then all a sudden I found myself in the ground, under a large tree. There were roots all around me forming a type of prison. I was trapped within them. The voice then said that the part of the tree above ground represented my consciousness, and the part below ground, represented my subconscious and the part of me that was currently talking to me. It was an ironic analogy showing how my subconscious is the foundation of my very being, and yet I keep it locked up there against its own will.

I returned to the void and carried on talking with the voice. After a while I told it that it seemed too nice. I told it that I wanted to see the darker parts of my mind. After asking this, a trapdoor opened up below me and I fell through it and into the heavens. I was floating in midair, looking up at tall colorful houses on a midsummers day. I felt confused. All of a sudden I was transported to the inside of one of the houses. I found myself in a kitchen, leaning against a cabinet top. I looked down and saw a brown Labrador wagging its tail happily at something. I followed its gaze and saw a man cooking a cake. Then all of a sudden the man grabbed the wooden rolling pin it had been using and started beating the dog over the head with it. He carried this act out until the dog was dead. Whilst all this was happening I stood there in a mixture of horror and fascination at what I was seeing.

Then all of a sudden I found myself upstairs in one of the bedrooms. I stood in front of a cupboard that I felt was so full of darkness it was practically leaking. In front of the cupboard was a white barrier that was supposed to keep the doors shut and the darkness in, but it wasn’t strong enough and the doors flew open before me. I stepped back quickly and an obnoxious woman came tumbling out. She smiled cruelly and pushed me across the room, teasing horribly all the while that I was worthless. I fell back against the wall and she trapped me there, wondering aloud at what awful things she would want to do to me just for the sake of her amusement. I suddenly remembered that it was my mind and that I had the right to be in control, and I told her so. I then grabbed a hold of her and flipped us around so I was the one trapping her against the wall, but I was shaking with fear. She submitted fairly easily but carried on smirking knowing full well that I wasn’t strong enough to resist her if she absolutely wanted to hurt me.

At that point I heard my family’s car pull into the drive way in real life and realized that I had to return to consciousness. Still with that obnoxious smirk on her face she pointed out that it looked like I had to go back. Shakily I agreed and told her I would be back at some point to settle things. I then let myself slowly back up to consciousness.

Let’s just say my reaction after coming out of that trance was, ‘what the fuck’.

Life After Solipsism

My thoughts have been turned to the afterlife a lot lately. It’s not something I purposely mean to ruminate over. Rather, it’s something I find myself thinking about in my spare time. Now, I don’t believe in any version of life after death, and I am completely open to the fact that there may be no life after death, no matter how much I may personally want to believe that there is. Either outcome sits well for me. In the meantime, however, my mind has nothing better to do than to come up with some eccentric theories to questions such as “Is there an afterlife?” and “What is the nature of reality?”.

This article started from a simple question. A simple question of “what if?”

What if the afterlife isn’t as great a place as it’s made out to be? The most commonly held view of the afterlife is that once we die we will go to a better place. But what if we don’t go to a better place? What if the afterlife is pure misery? What if we were only partially sent here by our ‘higher selves’ in order to escape the hellishness of ‘reality’?

This got my mind whirring. I was immediately reminded of this Matrix quote:

Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?

Most people can attest to the fact that life feels like a dream. So, what if life is a dream? What if we take this concept and add it to the previous concept? What are we left with?

We end up with the theory that life is but a dream. A dream that is but a fraction of reality. A dream that is a refuge from the harsh truth of reality. A place our minds are sent to to escape, to find solitude and peace. And every time we die we are reborn, awoken again into the real world. Awoken into hell. Reincarnation would be nothing more than falling back to sleep once more to escape into a sweet semi-conscious oblivion.

I doubt suicide would continue to be a problem if we knew reality to be as harsh as this.

This has to make one think about the absurd notion of Solipsism. Solipsism holds the view that one’s own mind is the only thing that is known and can be proven to be known. Therefore the Solipsist believes he is the only one in existence, and that reality is just an unconscious process of his imagination. For those who haven’t heard this philosophy before then it probably seems utterly ridiculous. And yet, the theory I proposed above would actually make Solipsism a viable possibility. Isn’t that just a weird thought?

What would that make reality? What is ‘reality’? Is reality truly what you make it?

The Meaning of Life

So I was chatting to my best friend earlier, and this is part of a discussion we were having about religion, and the concept of God. Everything that’s written below is what I wrote. I basically had an epiphany and figured out the meaning of life.

Christianity is completely based on fear. They spend all their time talking about love, whilst in the back of their minds they’re telling people that without God they’re going to hell. It’s hypocritical at its best. The Christian God also doesn’t correspond to the laws of physics. I was watching this video last night about how scientists have finally figured out how something can come from nothing. Because the universe has a cosmological constant of zero. It actually has zero energy. In other words, “We live in a universe dominated by nothing”. The universe, or the zero energy that underlies everything, always has existed and always will exist. And the universe exists as it is stuck between the possibility of nothing and the possibility of everything. It’s a confusing concept to understand, but whether or not you believe that there is an all pervading consciousness, science is beginning to understand “God”.. and that’s certainly not the God of the Christian bible.

You know what I think? I think that Jesus, (if he even existed, since there are no legitimate records), I think that he was just an average simple Jew who taught the philosophy of love and people started idolizing him and thought he was God. The first part of the old testament itself was written two thousand years after it supposedly happened. Of COURSE it’s not going to be correct! It’s just mumbo jumbo. Second of all, the new testament was written two hundred years after Jesus died, by Paul and some other guy, who were the ones responsible for making Christianity a cult and spreading it across the whole world like a plague in the first place. It’s all just a bunch of lies. I don’t think it was deliberate. I just think religions are like Chinese whispers, passing on each others mythology and changing it ever so slightly over time until it’s unrecognizable.

As for morality and the afterlife, I believe that an afterlife probably exists, but I kind of have different views on it to probably almost everyone else. The universe is 70% dark energy and 30% dark matter. The matter we see is barely 5% of the total mass (or non-mass, if you consider how it has zero energy) of the universe. My body is made up of 70% water and 95% space. That space, is what I like to call the quantum void. (Not sure if that’s the proper name for it or not). But basically in this space, is the zero energy that pervades the universe. In it everything and anything can happen. Even the impossible. Now considering how quantum mechanics states that everything is interconnected, and considering how human consciousness is just an extension of the energy that is found in the quantum field, I believe that when we die, our ‘energy’ if you like, returns to the quantum void.

Now, whether or not we’re still actually conscious after we die, I’m not sure yet. If we’re not then we’ll probably be reincarnated. After all, “energy can either be created not destroyed”. But if we DO remain conscious (as many people who have died and come back to life can attest to, so it’s a strong possibility), then I believe the saying “as above, so below”. Meaning that if we were bad people on earth, then the ‘realm’ we go to after we die will be bad too. It will be a hell of our own making. HOWEVER, I don’t believe that hell is actually a bad place. A) It can be like a place where we learn from our mistakes and move on to a better place, or B) people who thrive off that kind of horror may actually like it and will not want to move on.

At the end of the day, this system is (in my opinion) completely logical, and doesn’t rely on some ‘God’ to judge whether or not you go to a happy place or a sad place when you die. You’re the person who judges that. And what’s more, what’s a happy place for one person may be a sad place for another person. It’s ALL subjective. The entire freaking universe is completely subjective! God is just something our ancestors came up with to explain how the sun stayed in the sky, and then later to explain why we, as such small and insignificant beings, exist in such an ENORMOUS universe. But science is proving more and more that there doesn’t need to be a reason. It just is.

Actually I was just rereading what I wrote (earlier) about limitations: I believe that there needs to be limitation in the first place in order to appreciate, and even understand the whole concept (of freedom) in the first place. To limit is to define. We are limited by things like language, our bodies, and thus we are defined. Now this is more philosophical, but what if the universe is evolving with us on an interdependent level? That the universe actually limited itself in human form in order to understand itself better? We are all parts of ‘God’, trying to understand why it exists? And we’re evolving together as one entity? Because complete chaos couldn’t be understood. But once it’s limited, it’s defined, and it can be understood. Perhaps if there’s a meaning to life, that would be it? I think all the religious people are gonna hate me.

This is license for me to do whatever the fuck I want and not even be worried about anything ever again? Religions are all based on fear, when in reality LIFE IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THAT. IT’S EXPLORING FREEDOM THROUGH LIMITATION. Well I guess that’s what most religions do anyway.. but the meaning of life is.. dun dUN DUN: LIFE! Wow. I just logically reasoned why the meaning of life is to live.

So now when people say what’s the meaning of life, I can just say, the meaning of life is to live. And they’ll be like, it can’t be that simple? Religious people have everything so backwards it hurts.

Or maybe they really are right and I’m just insane.

Why Monogamism is Bullshit

Monogamy: The holy grail of humanity. Just why is that exactly? Why is it humans strive to find ‘Mr/Mrs Perfect’? If you take a look around in the real world, you will find that most relationships last about a year. And if you look at marriage statistics you will find that only three out of ten married couples stay together ’till death do us part’, and out of those three couples, only one is actually truly happy with the relationship.

If you look at it logically like this, and consider the fact that most creatures in the animal kingdom are actually not monogamous, then how does it make sense to try and search for that perfect love? Perfect love doesn’t exist. It’s just as much a human construct as God is: an unrealistic ideological expectation that has no merit. And for Christians who complain that marriage is between solely two people, then how do you justify the polygamy that is spread all over the bible like a disease? For gods sake, Solomon had something like 500 wives and 1,500 concubines! It makes no sense. And on that note, other things such as incest and homosexuality were allowed in the bible. Christians are so hypocritical.

True perfect love is not something unobtainable. Perfect love is something that exists in every little thing, the negative and the positive alike. Perfect unconditional love is exactly that – unconditional. And unconditional loves knows when to back down and start over again. And it also knows how not to be jealous when having more than one partner simultaneously. In fact I would think being polyamorous would allow someone to express even more love in many different ways, making all persons involved feel even more emotionally satisfied?

I think the only time humans are meant to be somewhat monogamous is when raising children and needing to stay as a couple together for the welfare of the children’s emotional and psychological development. But once they’ve left home – there’s no need to stay together if it’s not wanted. This is seen all the time within the animal kingdom. In fact it’s more natural.

The only reason I believe that monogamy is much favoured, and that polyamory is outlawed, is because I read somewhere once that monogamy is easier on property rights and such. It basically works pretty much perfectly within this capitalistic society we have created for ourselves. Polyamory is a threat to the state – and that’s why it’s outlawed and considered unacceptable.

However, I’m not saying that partial monogamy is completely out of the question. People often need at least one person to stay steadfast by their side for as long as possible, such as mothers and fathers, and once someone leaves home they start searching for someone to fill that gap. However that is emotional and psychological monogamy and NOT sexual monogamy, and is entirely different. The theory goes that a relationship like that could be monogamous, as in ’till death do us part’, and they would function pretty much as a normal couple, but slightly more platonic in order to emotionally support each other, whilst getting their other needs fulfilled elsewhere, therefore keeping the main relationship free of many struggles that often plague completely monogamist couples, such as not enough sex for one of the persons, or not being able to spend enough time together, etc.

Also, I don’t believe that cheating is actually cheating. It’s only perceived as a bad thing because of the way polyamory is shunned. If polyamory were more acceptable, people wouldn’t feel the need to be guilty for no reason. Humans are not monogamous! So why punish them for behaving in a way that is only natural? It’s despicable.

I spend my days looking through pages trying to find a way to get away from me…

I know I’m going through psychological trauma right now, but I can’t even bring myself to admit the fact. I just ignore it hoping it’ll go away, just like I ignore everything else. Meanwhile I watch my life wash away down the drain and try not to give a damn.

Every time mum brings up stuff that happened in the past – I just brush it off or walk away. I’m incapable of talking about anything. Sometimes I get flashbacks and I have to close my eyes and try to regain my mental bearing by shoving the memory back into the mental cupboard. I frequently dream about situations relating to the trauma, and every morning I wake up automatically trying to forget about it.

In fact I barely sleep anymore. I’m afraid of sleeping too much, because past experience has taught me that the less I sleep the less I’ll remember my dreams. This is due to sleep repartitioning: REM (the stage of sleep responsible for dreaming) is the most important part of sleep, and so the less you sleep, the more your body repartitions it to the beginning of your sleep, meaning you wake after deep dreamless sleep unable to remember anything. Not only that but I hate waking up past a certain time, because it makes me feel vulnerable due to past experiences.

I’ve also become completely disconnected from my emotions. The only thing I can truly feel is anger. It consumes me and feels so good, because I’m incapable of connecting to anything else. Not even reading depressing fanfiction or fangirling over hot fictional characters keeps me emotionally connected anymore. I watch gruesome things instead and fantasize about killing people in a myriad of different ways. Just something, ANYTHING, to make me feel alive. It should be disturbing but it’s not. I’m even detached from that.

Part of my brain worries about some of my behaviors, yet the larger part can’t be asked to give a fuck. I’m pretty much an alcoholic now. I feel like all I ever do these days is drink alcohol, just to escape from my thoughts, from my head, to not care about anything. Self-harm has also come into play a whole lot more lately. I have so many scars I’ve lost track of them all. My arms, my hips, my thighs. I’ve given up feeling bad about it, because the pain makes me feel alive, it makes me feel real, and the resulting calm afterwards – it’s almost like being on marijuana.

I’m an addict. And I’m so glad I have no way in which to buy drugs, because that would surely be the end of me. I have something like ten co-morbid personality disorders, and I really don’t know who the fuck I am. I’m just drifting endlessly..

I’m so depressed and yet I’m even detached from that. I’ve lost my passion for everything, including music. I just can’t feel anything anymore. When I was experiencing the trauma I couldn’t stop crying, and yet ever since I’ve been out of it, I’ve had eyes as dry as ice. Nothing can make me cry anymore. Things that should make me sad just have no affect, and instead I do the only other thing I’m capable of – I just laugh the sadness off in a disturbing, hysterical, and ironic way.

I feel like I’m becoming a sadistic fuck. I just want to feel something. I just want to connect. No one understands what I’m going through. Why would they? They haven’t experienced what I have, plus I barely talk about it, because I can’t. And why would they care anyway? To them I’m just over-dramatizing everything, attention seeking, being a weird freak.

Mum knows some of what I’m going through, even though I never let her talk about it. We have no money for help or anything, and I just feel so alone, having to deal with all this on my own. It’s so exhausting. I keep trying to push it all away, delay the inevitable mental breakdown, but the more time goes on, the more I feel myself cracking, breaking at the seams. I’m water steadily boiling to overflow point. And god knows what will happen when the inevitable explosion happens.

The Beginnings of Christianity and an Alternate Path

My views of religion have been shifting a lot lately. I’m starting to see the world in a different light. No longer am I afraid of the Christian devil coming to haunt me at night. I’m still paranoid, but not for that reason. No. These days I embrace the darkness. I embrace my fear of the unknown, and I embrace all and any negative feelings I may have. Only through acceptance can we grow.

Lately I’ve been reading Adversarial Light – Magick of the Nephilim – by Michael W. Ford. It describes the beginnings of Luciferianism, and also the beginnings of the Judeo-Christian-Islamic religions. They all date back to Zoroastrianism, an ancient Persian religion. The Zoroastrians believed that there was one true God, called Zurvan, or if you want to switch to Greek mythology – Chaos, that gave birth to two gods called Ahura Mazda and Ahriman. Ahura Mazda was the first to be born. However, Ahriman, his brother, pushed past him and out of the womb first. The Zoroastrians believed that Ahriman was evil, and although he was as much as an equal god as his brother, they decided that his brother, Ahura Mazda, was the one true God.

Ahura Mazda and Ahriman represent Light and Dark, respectively. The interesting thing though, is that these gods seem to have be born out of ancient Hinduism (Brahamism), which is probably the oldest religion on earth. Another interesting thing, is that Ahura Mazda, actually seems to be the Asura Varuna, who is god of the sky, water and the celestial ocean, as well as god of law and the underworld. Now in Hinduism, an Asura is usually seen as a spirit of darkness and night, whilst his brother, Ahriman, is actually the Deva Aryaman: A spirit of Light and Sun, also known as the sun god, or the Egyptian god Ra. You see where this is going?

Now Ahriman, is one whole of two separate halves. One half of Ahriman is Samael, also known as Satan in the Latin translation, and the other half of Ahriman is Lilith, also known as Lamia in the Latin translation. If you see one of my older posts, you will see that Samael is actually the same as the Greek god Prometheus, the god of intelligence, and Lilith is equated with the Greek goddess Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty and love. They are all different aspects of the same being, and if you put them together, you have Ahriman – aka, Lucifer.

I realize this is a large leap to take. It’s not so much pure Lucifierianism as it is a mixing of all world religions to understand one concept. But that’s the beauty of Lucifierianism, the truth is what you make it. You’re not held down by laws and rules of what you should or shouldn’t believe.

No matter whether you worship the more socially accepted Ahura Mazda – The Abrahamic God, or the more mysterious Ahriman, Ahura Mazda’s counter force, you have to conclude that every person, being, deity, and atom has a light and a dark side. A negative and a positive. The universe is made of balance. Worshipping Lucifer doesn’t make me any more evil or even good than worshipping Ahura Mazda.. instead it just means that I’m searching for the truth in a different way that is more meaningful to me. Christian’s can carry on worshipping their Christian God. It makes no difference to me. I just don’t like to see them so enslaved. Ahura Mazda is a god of law, after-all, a god of slavery to rules and to the underworld, which is nothing more than being bound to the chains of ignorance. I would prefer to worship a God of intellectual freedom any day and rise beyond into the heavens where the true light is at, where my true self lies.

Of course I am pantheist, so all this is symbolic. I don’t actually believe the mythology. But I am spiritual either way, so as I’ve said before – I believe that reality is what you make it. And Christians wonder why they’re always being attacked by the ‘enemy’? Because the law of attraction states that if you constantly push something away and ignore it – something such as the darker things in life – it will eventually catch up with you and hit you face on. So now I’m no longer ignoring my dark side. I’m embracing it, accepting it, and therefore, now I don’t have to be afraid of it. Heaven and Hell aren’t places. Heaven are Hell are what you make it.

Self Harm – My Story

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while now. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to write exactly. I think I wanted to write this about a topic that some would consider sensitive – self harming.

Yes I do it. I’m not quite sure how I got into it. Looking back, I realize now that I was self harming as young as twelve years old, but at that point I was completely oblivious to what I was actually doing and why. I remember not having a nail left on my thumb because I’d stripped it away bit by bit. Once the nail bed on that thumb was completely exposed, I started on my other thumb. My mum picked up on it and told me that I was self-mutilating myself and that I should stop. It was a nervous habit I’d picked up but eventually I had enough control to stop. To stop that particular habit anyway. Over the years I’ve done similar things without realizing it. I’ve suffered life long with depression and probably a few personality disorders too, so it makes sense why I would be doing it.

When I went to college I was exposed to a few new things. One of them being purposeful self harming. The interesting thing is that my Christian parents had told me that cutting is inviting demons into your body. At the time I was naive enough to believe it. I never judged those people who did it, but I was weary of them. The ironic thing here is that self harm comes in many different forms, conscious or unconscious, and that I was already doing it myself in various different ways.

Being exposed to it though over and over again made me more and more desensitized. At that time I had started falling away from my parents religion – Christianity; again I didn’t realize it at the time. One day, I was sewing something, and I was in a dark place. I grabbed the needle and grazed my skin with it. That was the first time I consciously self-harmed. I have a twisted sense of humor, so that day I etched the word ‘love’ into my arm, despite the fact all I felt at that particular time was anything but that. A needle isn’t particularly sharp, but it broke the skin in places. The burn felt good, and the resulting calm made me feel better.

I did that a few times. Eventually though I got fed up of it. I became numb. Stopped caring altogether. That is until an explosion happened at home. I found out my step-dad was abusive, and I told my mum. She was in denial, and let’s just say it was a good six months struggle before she decided to divorce him. During this time, my world was upside down. Everything I knew to be was a lie. I’d lived a lie my whole life. I was thrown back into emotional turmoil. Then one day I got really drunk and my nails were really long and I did the only thing I could. I dug them into my wrists. Over and over and over again. There wasn’t a patch of skin that wasn’t covered in marks. These didn’t break the skin however. It was relatively safe. And it healed fast. But it was a build of mostly raw anger. I had no control over myself. It just happened. And I couldn’t stop it.

Half way through all this was going on, we had a clear out whilst my step-dad was out. We packed all his stuff in order to kick him out, (although he didn’t actually move out for a few months more because he refused. We had to get legal support to get him out – aka, social services, the police, ect.) and when I was going through his draws I came across a whole bunch of unused razors. Now I don’t shave, I wax, so I’d never had need of a razor. Perhaps this was a good thing. Because that day, I quickly hid one of the razors in my pocket until we were done and I hid it elsewhere in my room. Two weeks later, and a mixture of low inhibitions due to alcohol abuse, morbid curiosity, and tumultuous emotions let me to retrieve the razor. I think I’ve regretted it ever since.

Yet the twisted part of me loves it. I only cut once that day. I underestimated how sharp the razor was and cut a little too deep. It scared me and I put it away again. But that didn’t stop me wanting to do it again. By that point, everything had been leading up to this moment – my cutting addiction. So I researched where best to cut and where to avoid and how to stay safe even though I’d told myself that I wouldn’t do it ever again. But of course I was lying to myself. I did actually try to stop. But that feeling you get when you feel off and need grounding, or when you haven’t done it for a while, or whatever. I think only self harmers will understand this. It’s like your wrist practically vibrates with the need to be cut. It’s an addicting feeling in and of itself. It’s just screaming at you to be slit. And you’re there just staring at your wrist, every part of your mind in war with itself. Should I, shouldn’t I? But it would just feel so damn good- no, no. Don’t think about. But I just need to, I hate this feeling. Fuck it all, the only thing that will make this go away is to just get it over with. Rinse repeat. And that is how the downwards spiral into self harm starts.

Truth be told though I don’t think I had any choice in the matter anyway. Looking back, everything had been leading up to this. It’s just one of those things. I realize it is a bad thing, but the other part of me, the twisted part of me, likes it- no, loves it. But it’s at odds with the way I’m starting to get scared. I don’t want to die – but like with any addiction, the more you do it the more you need to do it. The harder, longer, and deeper you need to cut. I mean, whilst I have that razor in my hand, sometimes it takes all my will not to plunge it in any deeper. I wrote all this because I recently relapsed two days ago, and it was the worse I’ve ever done. My whole arm is covered, and it actually makes me feel sick. I can’t bear to look at it – until of course I need that ‘fix’ and then looking at it makes me feel better. It’s almost like whilst the scars are still largely visible, every time you look at them, it sends you back, and you mentally commit the act, which is enough in itself. But once the scars have faded into those little silver marks that are barely visible – that’s when the urge to do it comes back. Until then, I’m safe, even though the addiction is more compelling whilst I’m healing. The healing process kinda symbolizes mental healing too in a way, if you forget about the addiction issues.

So. Here I am. A victim of my own abuse. I guess it’s like I’m carrying on the cycle my step-dad left behind. The interesting thing is though – the longer he’s away, the more disconnected from reality I feel, and these days I cut for the opposite reasons. Just to feel something. Which in my opinion makes things ten times worse. I’m well aware I’m going through psychological trauma, due to many other symptoms. I think I’m relatively stable now not to need my anti-depressants anymore, as I’ve been off them two week now, but then again maybe they never worked in the first place. Depression due to chemical imbalance and depression due to childhood abuse are two completely different things, after all.

One other thing I want to mention though before I go, is that there is that sick twisted part of me that likes the blood. I’m not gonna deny, I have a dark side. And I like to revel in it. I love to expose myself to dark things. I start to feel uncomfortable if I’m away from that side of me for too long. I’m not sure if that’s down to psychological conditioning, or what, but I’ve recently denounced Christianity and turned to Luciferianism. It’s an ideology that emphasizes that the dark and the light nature of a person should be allowed to be balanced, much like Taoism. The way this works, is to accept all the dark parts of yourself in order to be able to see the light and grow above and beyond it. Its foundation is in the dark nature of man, rather than religions like Christianity whose foundation lay in the light. I’m not sure whether this is going to affect me negatively, but so far, it’s teaching me not to be ashamed of things like self-harming that are perfectly natural (and scientifically proven to be natural also). And I think that that is the first step to acceptance. So we’ll see how it goes. I can’t say I’ll indefinitely stop, or that I actually want to stop, but that if I’m going to do it I would rather accept it and keep in control of it, rather than letting it control me.

Also, having to wear long sleeved shirts in summer is a bitch. I should’ve thought that one through.

Update on life in a nutshell.

I was just scanning through all my posts and realized that I haven’t actually done a life update in like ages. God, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know if anyone reads this shit but it’s a good way for me to get my thoughts out either way.┬áSo basically:

I deleted all but one twitter account, I barely have any friends again due to it (nothing new there, I always seem to enjoy dropping people), I rebelled against my step-dad, who by the way is an evil fucking bastard, forget everything I’ve ever written about him before. My parents got divorced, I’m now pursuing a career in music and trying to get into music school, I’m an agnostic atheistic pantheist who’s a polyamorous pansexual demiromantic female-to-androgynous demiguy that believes in the flying spaghetti monster and lots of other weird shit. Oh yeah, and I’ve become majorly obsessed with Death Note. I mean MAJORLY. ISN’T L/LIGHT JUST THE MOST PAINFULLY HEARTBREAKING FUCKING BEAUTIFUL SHIP IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD AND CAN I KILL MYSELF YET.

jokes. This post is only half sort of serious. Although completely true.

And I suffer from serious depression. Which isn’t so serious anymore now that that bastard of a step-dad has left. It’s more like background noise. I feel healthier psychologically (despite the surface insanity) and have a zest for living life for the first time ever. I’m also half-evil and sacrifice babies to the non-existent devil in another dimension, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Also I think I have paranoia, which is no surprise really. I feel like the so called non-existent devil is stalking me and watching my every move. It’s creepy. Oh that and I dream about my evil step-dad almost every night now. Man I have some fucked up psychological issues. At least I don’t seem to have a split personality anymore.

Otherwise, in my spare time I’ve been practicing my singing for music college, since I obviously suck so bad at guitar, despite having played it for five years. Singing is easier anyway and doesn’t require having to drag tons of equipment around to every live venue – not that I’m cool enough to do that.. yet. MARK MY WORDS. I WILL ONE DAY RULE THE WORLD AND ALL THE PUNY BEINGS THAT LIVE IN IT.

And I’ve been reviving my fanfic writing skills. I did finish my 50,000 word long Destiel fic, but I never could be bothered to edit it, so I gave to it my writer friend as a present to do whatever she wanted with it. She’s a huge Destiel fan. I’ve kinda gone off Supernatural though, it’s really not that good anymore. Being Human USA version is way better. So back to reviving my fanfic writing skills… I’ve written a bit of L/Light JUST BECAUSE IT’S THE DEFINITION OF PERFECTION. I practically have a religion devoted to Death Note in my mind. I worship it. Dream about it, blablabla.

Steins;Gate is really cool. I’m watching that now. Most anime is shit imo but some are good. Like Kuroshitsuji. GRELL. MY BBY. Sebastian is fucking hot. End of.

On the sidelines I’m also majorly into psychology, specifically the Myers-Briggs personality kind. I actually thought I was an INTP. and then realized being socially fucked up doesn’t mean you’re introverted. So I’m actually an ENTP. which is another fancy word for A) being awesome and B) being a fucking loon. But an intelligent loon. We usually get lumped with the mad scientists. and save the day even though we might not want to, we do it cuz we’re bored. And then have sex with the villain afterwards.

I like the Enneagram personality system too. I think I’m a 4w3, but I’m not too sure. It’s usually quite unusual for an ENTP to be a 4w3 too.. but it happens. Basically 4w3 means I have a need to be different and creative and need to express that and become famous through it. It’s basically another term for ‘attention starved tortured artist’. So you can see how it would be a little at odds with the whole ‘mad scientist’ thing, but hey, it works for me. (if you ignore how mentally unstable I am).

I’m basically fucking crazy. And I think too much. And I drink WAY too much goddamned alcohol to get rid of all the thoughts going around in this head that’s more like a prison cell. And sometimes I make stuff… like homemade dildos.

Anyway.. I have no idea what more to say. Report terminated.

P.s. I don’t drink coffee.

Saying goodbye to Christianity and hello to Pantheism. The afterlife and the search for truth.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my spirituality lately, and the whole concept of ‘religion’ in general. I’ve come to the realization that despite the fact I was raised in a Christian home, I am not by any means a Christian, nor have I been for a long time now, although that was unconsciously known to me at the time.

At first when I came to the conclusion that Christianity, and all other religion in general is a lie, I labelled myself as atheist. However, the doctrines I’d been brought up made me scared for the first time. What will happen when I die? What if God really does exist? I don’t want to burn in the fires of hell for eternity. Logically of course this makes no sense. The illusion that Christianity is based on love is just that – an illusion. At its very hidden core it is built on fear. In a nutshell, that is the ultimate contradiction. It also defies most of the laws of nature and science. But enough about why I don’t believe in it anymore, perhaps that is for another post another time. The fact is, no matter how illogical it is, there is that indoctrinated part of me that won’t let the fear of the afterlife go. And of course at its heart: human inquisitiveness.

So in the wake of the death of my instilled Christian values, I decided to read up on Near Death Experiences. What I read surprised me. The results are the collective experiences of people being clinically dead from anywhere between two minutes and two hours before being revived. The experiences have objective themes, such as looking down at your own (physical) body, passing through a dark tunnel, seeing a bright light, being embraced by the light and/or love, and talking to the light. What surprised me the most though was that there were also subjective themes. The afterlife seemed to be influenced by whatever that persons cultural/religious experienced on earth. For a example, a Christian will see Jesus in the light, a Buddhist will see Buddha, and the atheist their dead relatives. From a spiritual yet non-religious point of view, this makes a lot of sense. All religions are right and all religions are wrong.

There are also hellish experiences, but it seems to be more a result of self-inflicted hell that the person lead on earth and carried on into the afterlife, or a type of karma, that the person experiences subjectively also. If they were born in America, chances are they’ll see fire and brimstone, and if they were born in the East then chances are they’ll be in some sort of void empty of everything ‘good’. However, unlike traditional Western belief, non-belief doesn’t send you there, and that there is always that Light visible to pull you out when you are spiritually willing to move on. There’s always a choice of heaven. This I understand. It’s not so much punishment by some other deity as it is a painful yet necessary self-inflicted form of spiritual growth.

On a non-spiritual and more scientific approach, however, there is a chance that these people who die and come back to tell us about it, are not completely brain dead when they die, and are merely experiencing some form of hallucination that is created by the brain when placed in a life threatening situation – and the ultimate one at that. The tunnel scenario has often been described as due to lack of blood in the brain and happens in many real life situations such as fight or flight.

I want to continue to call myself atheist because logically there is no objective proof for God’s existence, and yet neither is there proof for his non-existence. The argument could go either way. And the fact is it will probably take me many years to be consciously comfortable with the idea that Christianity is a load of bull. And in that aspect, it’s more likely I’m anti-Christian and most things anti-religion than I am de-facto atheist.

Instead, I’ve come to the conclusion that at the most basic level, I’m a pantheist, and an Agnostic one at that. The truth is, I don’t know what exists, but due to logical reasoning my belief at the moment is approaching something (somewhat ludicrous) like this: (The atheistic logical beliefs will be written in bold, and the more agnostic views I have concerning the God, the supernatural, and the afterlife which have yet to be proven will be italicized.)

1) God and nature are one. Everything is connected, and it may or may not form one universal mind.

2) The universe is self-sustaining and interdependent. Nothing is truly created and nothing is truly destroyed. There was never a beginning and there will never be an end.

3) If there are lower forms of consciousness (plants, animals, ect.) then it serves to reason that higher forms than humans must exist, or be capable of existing. Through the learned process of evolution, the universe is in a constant state of growth through the cycle of life and death, until a being attains the highest level of consciousness and becomes one with the universal mind, with God.

4) Reincarnation is the shifting of physical energy at its simplest form and a shifting of consciousness at its most complex form, meaning that if an afterlife does exist then its more of a reincarnation into another reality formed by the universal consciousness of the universe.

5) It also serves to reason that if there is a non physical afterlife, then it must be a different realm, although not outside the laws of science and nature, lending to the theory that the afterlife is perhaps a fourth or nth dimensional, or even multi-versal. Based on the karmic levels of a person’s earth experience there will be different subjective realities that a person is born into. Much like all the Hindu variations of heaven and hell.

I know a lot of that makes no sense and is probably another attempt of my psyche trying to hold onto some greater meaning to my life in place of Christianity, and I’ll be sure to keep tabs on it. For now however as a transitional point away from Christianity its a large step to take, and perhaps real clarity will come in time. For the time being however, I’m surprised by how much Eastern philosophy pervades my beliefs, despite the fact the only thing I’ve known for most of my life is Christianity. Maybe at a spiritual level this is actually an intuitive thing, although I don’t really hold that much in account if it clashes with rationality. If I’m going to be spiritual, then reincarnation into a temporary heaven certainly seems more plausible than burning in hell for eternity for not believing in something that makes no sense. Then again there’s always that possibility that God does really exist but he’s just an evil bastard who thrives off contradictions and likes to watch people suffer..

Either way. I hope this concludes this really long revaluation of my values. At the heart of it, the concept of God, especially a religious one, is really illogical, and based on other peoples Near Death Experiences, I have nothing to fear of death either way. Either the afterlife and some form of non-contradictory God does exist and we live happily ever after, or it doesn’t exist and our physical bodies decay and release energy to help the cycle of life continue.