Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Part 2, and Shifting of Spiritual Focus and Belief

Introduction and Compliments

Post time! First off I want to thank everyone who is subscribed to my blog and reads my posts. I was completely unaware until the other day that I have more than 2,000 subscribers. To call me surprised was an understatement! WordPress stats does not record email subscribers and only wordpress subscribers, therefore, being that I only have perhaps under ten wordpress subscribers I was under the impression no one really read my posts. But finding out that so many of you do in fact has made me feel guilty for not posting as much. Therefore here I am attempting to post sooner than I might’ve done to give everyone an update.

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

There are maybe a few things I want to touch on in this post but I think first of all I need an addendum to my previous post, where I was discussing my explorations with sexual orientation and gender identity. Some time has since passed and I’ve had more chance to understand what has been going on internally for me, especially in relation to transgender identity.

Firstly, I had mentioned how my dissociative disorder (which I now know to be OSDD or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder) makes thing inherently confusing for me as I wasn’t able to tell whether these feelings of gender deviation were really ‘me’, or the result of influence from other identities. It turned out in time to be in fact the latter. And the reason for this is a little complex but I will try my best to explain.

As some of you may know, I have written before about an alter called Asmodeus, who is the very caricature of the woes of the collective male species. Anything terrible you can think of personality-wise, he has. He’s mythologically considered a demon. However, in the sense of OSDD, I see him as a difficult persecutor who refuses psychological rehabilitation (the reasons for this are already being unearthed through the help of a new dissociative specialist therapist I have started working with).

So first off, Asmodeus upholds the patriarchy. He hates women, and believes they should be subjugated and abused. He’s a rapist as well as a paedophile, which has caused problems with other more vulnerable alters inside (including Lilith who is now breaking out of it, but perhaps that’s a post for another day), as well as myself (when he fronts and forcibly pushes me backseat he rapes the body which is extremely traumatising, I will put that out there). His joy was also in watching me struggle and suffer in toxic heterosexual relationships, as if somehow he could vicariously live through the experience these men were evoking in me.

However, when I moved out of my abusive and codependent patriarchal-centred family household and realised that I am in fact a lesbian, he didn’t like it, as it meant his grip over me was lost. When he can’t live through men vicariously to watch and feel me suffer like the vampire he is, what then can he do? Enter the experience of internalised homophobia and the insidious whispers that I must in fact be some kind of transgender male.

I am always able to tell the truth when I let a question just simmer for a while without needing to jump to or prefigure conclusions. This is what I did after writing my last post in attempt to just let things settle a bit, and that experience of being male disappeared as I found myself settling back into my strongly cis experience as a lesbian.

Of course, Asmodeus didn’t like that. So he attempted again to manipulate my feelings into attraction towards men, aka evoking compulsory heterosexuality, and I experienced this as a kind of consciousness hack especially between wake and sleep where a sudden hallucination would come upon me of being fucked by men. Being that it left me rather uncomfortable, I started to realise what was happening. I told him to back off. Then the thoughts of transgenderism would start up again. There was a pattern repeating caused entirely by his wanting my life in some way to be centred around men, because otherwise it would invalidate his existence.

I don’t know if any of my readers are lost at this point. Essentially, what this all means is that there was some severe internalised homophobia going on enforced by Asmodeus, masked either as compulsory heterosexuality or as transgender identity confusion. This is further proven by the fact when I started watching Supergirl which features a late bloomer lesbian protagonist and her relationship centre-stage, I feel a clench in my stomach and a sense of wrongness when they are kissing romantically. It’s all I want and yet – something as simple as that brings me an instinctual struggle. That’s not me and how I truly feel, but that’s how I’ve been brainwashed to respond after twenty-six years of living with homophobic parents, a response which thereby became entwined with Asmodeus’ personality as a persecutory alter (though in fact he is just a confused protector trying to keep me safe – if I conform to my brainwashing I won’t be hurt by those who had brainwashed me, that’s probably his unconscious reasoning.).

So, what is the conclusion of this? Realising how Asmodeus has been behaving towards me has enabled me to almost entirely take back my own psychological space, and affirm that I am indeed a cis lesbian if at times gender non-conforming for various reasons (I mean what lesbian isn’t gender non-conforming when we don’t live for men? Lol).

Spiritual Focus and Shift in Belief

Now, onto another matter also regarding shift in my identity since moving out of my family’s house and into my own space. Lately I have also been experiencing an uncomfortable change in my spiritual focus and beliefs. Up until this point, my spiritual approach these last three years since my brief psychotic episode has been centred around the worship of deity as goddess and her manifestations as a primarily (poly-)theistic practice. I didn’t know a ritual without a formally planned religious devotional to her. And this, it turns out, was a coping mechanism on my part.

If there’s one important lesson I’ve learned since I moved out, it’s that what I thought was love in many cases wasn’t. In the majority of situations my ‘love’ in fact turned out to be placation towards people so that they wouldn’t hurt me, because being hurt was all I knew. I figured on some level that if I ‘loved’ them by being nice to them regardless of how I really felt, I would be spared the fate of their betrayal. But that isn’t love. And when I finally felt my ingrained fear start to dissipate and that need to always be nice to people slip away, I found myself questioning, “what in fact, then, is love?” that’s a question I’m still working on answering through the continuous experience that is my new life.

However, this doesn’t just extend to people, it extends to deity. In order to offset my anxiety that I was cursed by one manifestation of deity (Jesus, via Christian religious abuse), I found another manifestation of deity to help me counteract that. And being ‘people-pleasing’ to said manifestation so that I would earn favour and thereby displace the curse.

But what when it turns out that the curse was not in fact a curse, but rather the very natural effects of a narcissistic mother living with you? When it turns out an entire dissociative personality inside you, or Jezebel, actively sabotaged you through the use of ‘unacceptable’ anger to protect you from said mother? And when said alter completely disappears, integrating, after moving out never to be heard from again? Jezebel was an extremely multifaceted personality, and surprisingly for the strong independent woman she historically was, was in fact a devout priestess of the goddess. And in me, I feel that manifested in this way of needing to be in favour in order to counteract that entire complex which felt like a curse.

But I’m not cursed. I was just living in unlucky circumstances which has wrecked my body with what is probably permanent chronic illness. But at least my mind is able to heal, and through that healing I see now I do not have to please anyone, neither my mother, nor the goddess. And the goddess herself made this known to me. It was time for me to fly the coop, to grow into my own goddess. We all are deity, we all have that spark of the divine within us.

So the past couple of months I experienced very strongly a sharp withdrawal of deity from my world, and it had left me feeling at odds with myself. Who I am without the goddess? What is left of my spiritual identity? What is there to believe in? What am I supposed to do now? There was an entire void of confusion remaining. When my entire sense of self had constantly been formed around other people, whether they be family, my own dissociative identities, or deity, and then is withdrawn, leaving me within the abyss of where mine own self should be, then it is scary.

When I finally worked up the courage again to go to my altar casually and ask my cards what was going on, I received the hanged man. It seemed to me that spirit has been forcibly putting my spiritual life on hold, and not just that, but that spirit indeed turned out to be my own self. I was doing this to me, because my old way of relating spiritually can no longer vibe with where I’m at and the vision of where I want to be going.

For all this time I felt blocked from being able to understand what was going on, but after drawing this card I started to feel my intuition again stir within me again and the scales start to fall from my eyes as I began to see the bigger picture. I have to stop living my life for others, whether that be my mother, or the goddess. My life is mine and mine alone, and I need to continue developing the power within to weave it the way I desire. In the end, I am in debt neither to man nor god.

The amusing thing about this is that I fell out with my mother promptly after moving out by simply telling her I worship the goddess and not Jesus. And now that worship is an aspect of my former life, having only been necessitated by her narcissistic presence, which is no longer around. It’s actually kind of a clever twist of fate in a way, that coming out about my faith allowed that aspect caused by familial dysfunction to shift and naturally evolve. Now only to come out to her about being a lesbian when I have a girlfriend and have them meet… which will be never 😉 I’ve erected my boundaries and my mother no longer has any place in my life. She is, in a sense, irrelevant now.

For a large part of this spiritual confusion the past two months I felt myself considering atheism, but I can’t shake my love of the mystical, and as a result find myself falling comfortably back into my identity as a witch but yet now as non-theistic. I have also been feeling much more left-hand path about it as a result of this focus on the divinity of my own self and not externally to me. Satanism and Luciferianism as two left-hand path religions (or rather one religion and its offshoot denomination lol) are non-theistic and focused on gnosis of the self, something I have always prioritised anyway.

However as you all may know the reclamation of the feminine is important to me and that hasn’t changed, especially with the realisation of being a cis lesbian. Satanism/Luciferianism is inherently mythologically feminist actually (you thought the snake as a goddess symbol was male? ha!) though as a movement was founded by the patriarchal pig that was LaVey (and let’s not mention his hypersexual women-objectifying predecessor Crowley). Therefore I have conflicting views on subscribing to it for that reason. But there is part of me that feels perhaps I can reclaim the feminine within Satanism, at least for myself.

Regardless of whatever philosophies I may be looking into, I’m still a feminist witch, and that hasn’t changed.

I will leave you all with the written experience of an inspired ritual shamanic journey I went on last night for the upcoming full lunar eclipse:

Full Lunar Eclipse Shamanic Journey

Cards shuffled beforehand for insight of theme, two cards fell out the deck:

– The Queen of Swords Reversed
– The Hanged Man Reversed (drawn for a second time, but upside down)

Part One:

I start at the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I am on its branches. There a snake awaits me.

“Did Lilith eat of this fruit?” I ask.

“Indeed” The snake replies. “All of us who survived have. You are the only who has not. You are yet unenlightened.”

I look around me, and I’m in the garden of Eden, but destruction has been wrought upon it.

I climb further up the branches and see the world as far as my eye can see. The apocalypse has come.

And yet in all the destruction one thing remains: This tree, all throughout the land. All shining with the fruit of knowledge of good and evil.

“And what if I eat the fruit?”

“You will gain immortality, just like the trees, just like us.”

I am at first uneasy, but I eat of the fruit.

Suddenly, I am transformed into a snake. A vortex of energy swirls around me and I find myself descending the tree and going deep into the ground with my companion snake.

Under the ground is a cave-like opening, with a natural pool in the centre and many other snakes congregating around it. They are discussing among themselves how to survive the apocalypse.

“We can rebuild the world, with the fruit; our power.”

“And what if the humans destroy it yet again?”

“We shall bring them down before their hubris does it for them.”

“The other animals agree with us.”

They look towards me. “What is your plan?”

“I shall bite their ankles when they sin, so that they stumble”, is my response.

There the vision ends.

Part Two:

I climb a ladder down to a great unknown.

At the bottom awaits a ginormous black dragon, emerging from somewhere deeper still.

The dragon rouses. “What are you doing here?”

“I am an explorer and came across your abode. I mean not to intrude.”

“Not to worry. You have found me, the core of your being. Come sit upon my neck.”

I do as asked. Suddenly the dragon bellows and soars up and up, exploding out of the ground and into the sky.

Around us destruction still lays. And yet the sun is on the horizon. We ride towards it.

“The sun will always rise.” The dragon mentions to me.

As we fly, I become the dragon myself, heading towards the sun and leaving the planet. Along the way, I transform into a Phoenix, taking on entirely the element of fire.

Arriving in the sun’s core, I am again a dragon. I absorb the sun’s fiery energy within me, breathing deep, and then blow it out, aiming towards the earth.

First I aim in all of the four quarters. Then I aim at the earth’s core reigniting it. The earth is volcanic once again, just like during its original inception, and the moon around it is pulled into this fiery rebirth.

I fly back to the earth, circling around, my snake friends now all dragons joining me too. We fly around, before heading off to the stars.

“Now we must wait until earth’s rebirth is complete”.

I fly to the Sirius star system and enter its central sun. Within it I become dormant, transforming into the organic form of diamond, hibernating within myself until earth is ready once again.

There the vision ends.

I’m Hella Gay. And Super Non-Binary. Goodbye Lifelong Internalised Homo/Trans Phobia

These past few months since moving out of my family’s house have been a ride. Not in a bad way though. Moving out of that dysfunction took me such a long time to achieve because I had to first learn who I was in order to know what I wanted and then how to go about accomplishing that. Add a stroke of good luck and a generous sprinkling of divine grace and I felt like I had gotten to a point emotionally/mentally/spiritually where I had finally figured out who I was on the inside. And yet funnily enough looking back this was more a figuring out of who I actually wasn’t.

Moving out I did not expect that process to suddenly accelerate. I knew that moving out would be extremely healing for me, because trying to heal against the backdrop of continuing abuse is one of the most difficult things to do. How can you swim against the current? Especially when you don’t even realise there is a current? That was essentially my situation. Through therapy I finally realised there was a tangible external current I was swimming against and that’s why I was never making progress after all these years. That current was my mother.

My mother is toxic. Dysfunctional. Abusive. Narcissistic. Codependent. Imagine realising all of that after 25 years. But knowledge is power as they say. In that year since therapy uncovered that truth I made more progress than in my entire life put together. The virus, the Trojan horse, had finally been unveiled. The darkness illuminated. And so I worked hard on removing all that influence from my inner life, my inner self and my inner identity as much as I could, despite the continuing pressure on the outside.

It’s not easy, that’s for sure. But I persisted, and I got results. And so I felt like yes, I’d finally done enough inner work to move out. And moving out was scary as fuck. I’d been programmed also to be codependent. Actually I’d just been programmed all my life to live in this constant state of fear. I was on 40mg of Prozac daily. Panic attacks were as normal as breathing, it wasn’t right. And moving out too was scary, but I bit the bullet, I gritted my teeth, there was no way I was going to sabotage all my hard work at what was a real opportunity. And I am proud of myself for having the strength to pull through.

And as I said, whilst I knew that moving out would cause a deep and necessary healing, I just wasn’t expecting the extent of that. And until that process suddenly accelerated of all my shit falling away, I had no idea just how terrible my mother’s influence in my life really was. And for reference now she is not talking to me and I don’t know if she ever will again. As I started to realise who I was the truth about myself start to come out of hiding, my own truths that were hiding from my own self to stay safe and protected. And when I started realising those truths and living from a place of authenticity for the first time in my life without fear, my mother wanted nothing to do with me. But that is actually a good thing because she did us both a favour lol.

Without that dysfunction and pressure and fear now constantly hovering over my shoulder, I am learning things about myself that I feel like I should’ve known all this time and yet had ignored to keep myself safe. Like the fact I’m hella gay, and that I only ever (unsuccessfully) dated men due to deeply internalised homophobia and compulsory heteronormativity. Take me away from that environment and it turns out I have no interest in men, and furthermore I no longer have to lie to myself by saying “it’s because of trauma”. No. My sister has been through exactly the same as me and she is 100% straight. No more excuses for who I am. I am deeply gay and that is that.

By the way I am not on antidepressants at all anymore. Isn’t it funny as soon as I moved out I felt like I no longer needed them? I no longer needed a chemically mind altering substance to manage the fear that was being programmed into me day after day after day. It’s been nearly ten weeks now since I successfully came off them with no side effects and no return of anxiety. I am free. I can’t believe though what I had to do to survive. The drugs I had to take, including antipsychotics, and the ways I had to completely deny my identity. Even going so far to think I was completely asexual because when ‘knowing myself’ turned out to just be what I wasn’t being stripped away, i.e heterosexuality, there was just a void where I had not felt safe to explore due to being in that state of self protection and daily survival. So I thought I was asexual. Until all the gay thoughts started, constantly. And that is something given no fear, you absolutely cannot miss. So there is the truth.

But then as soon as that became established for me, something else started happening which did trigger in me much more fear, and that was the experience of feeling a different gender to that which my biological sex. And that was scary on a different level because whilst I always knew I liked women, identifying as bisexual since puberty, I had in fact internalised transphobia so deeply I was aligned for the last couple of years with radical feminism and the kind that is gender critical. The wider community may know them as TERF’s. I will not say anything about them here. My main point is to highlight that after moving out I found myself firstly questioning their rhetoric, which then got me questioning my own beliefs about gender. In the end I realised it no longer added up, and then throw in the falling away of internalised transphobia and suddenly I start remembering what it’s like to feel male. And I use this term ‘remembering’ because too I have felt this way since puberty. But when you’re so deeply ingrained in fear, you ignore it, hiding it from yourself. But I’m no longer hiding it from myself. I’m realising and coming into the process of accepting that I have always had moments feeling like a man.

In fact many people who I know online now who may be reading this may not know about me that I actually identified as transmasculine for a brief period back in 2013. This is also a period of my inner life I will fully ignored and found explanations and excuses for. This may also be a result of amnesia or general dissociation from, well, the dissociation I was diagnosed with and complex post traumatic stress disorder. Looking back on many of my older blog posts there are apparently many things I don’t really remember, like the fact that somehow I or some other part of me knew I/we had dissociative identity disorder way before I even had my six month long brief psychotic episode or saw a doctor/therapist for that (leading to the subsequent diagnoses).

And yet talking of dissociative identity disorder, I know not everything is what it seems. I may be influenced by alters, but regardless, I feel them, and so those feelings are part of me, and I’m done excusing how I feel. So yes, sometimes I feel like a man. And other times I feel like a woman. Maybe I could be trans. That transgenderism could be inside the gender binary or outside the gender binary. All I know is this is the truth, my gender doesn’t align with my body. Do I have dysphoria? Some. Is it enough to try and medically change my body somehow? I don’t think so. Maybe if science were advanced enough to let me switch back and forth between biological sexes at will, that would be amazing. Maybe in a virtual reality one day. But that technology is currently beyond us. But that is how I feel in an ideal situation. In real life, I can live with my biological sex, especially after working a lot on self acceptance regarding the things I can’t change, such as my health for example.

And so I guess this post is me kinda coming out to everyone, because I’ve been thinking on it a lot but never really expressed anything clearly. First I was too afraid with my internalised transphobia. Then I just wanted to be sure that was really the truth, which, as it has currently solved, is. However, I’m still at the beginning of an entire new journey ahead of me. This year marks the beginning of my first saturn return. This year is a totally new life for me, brand spanking new, and in that process I was reborn, and in a sense going through what feels like psychologically a second puberty. An awakening of my sexual and gender identity. An awakening of my place in the LGBT+ community.

Happy Beltane, and Samhain? Supermoon in Scorpio Musings: The Axes of Polarity and Identity

It’s a few days or rather a week or so late of Beltane, and the recent fortnight culminating with the supermoon has given me many things to ponder on. Having recently moved out of my toxic family’s house and into my own apartment I’ve had an interesting natural shift of perspective regarding my identity which has been heightened as a result of that full lunar scorpion energy. Scorpio holds the symbolism of death and rebirth in the basic sense, but on a more mundane level it’s about power, the power we hold over others and as a lunar energy the power we also hold within ourselves for the transformation of our self-identity.

Whilst it’s Beltane here in the northern hemisphere which signals the arrival of summer, in the southern hemisphere it’s Samhain, which signals the arrival of winter. This interplay of duality and balance is a fascinating concept that’s been holding my attention, and has me considering the concepts of good and evil again. This particular mental exploration was taken further after a phone call with my sister had her expressing to me her own identity confusion as a result of also moving out of our oppressive family environment at the same time as myself.

Yin and Yang – We all know and intuitively understand this concept. There cannot be light without dark and dark without light. It’s simple, but how well do we really perceive this in our every day lives, and how does evil come into the equation? Is darkness evil? Of course not. We need darkness in our lives, we need the darkness to peacefully sleep, we need the darkness of the womb to be born, plants need the darkness and coolness of the soil for its roots, earth needs the darkness of its yearly seasonal cycle to regulate plants and all other living beings, and the sun needs the darkness of space to shine.

And light, is it all good? Without the balance of darkness the sun will burn, it will blind, it will destroy. And yet, we do not say that light is evil. But considering if there were no darkness to balance it, light would only create suffering. Just as if there were no light to balance darkness, then we experience our typical understanding of darkness as evil. Therefore, evil as a concept could easily be considered the destabilisation between light and dark. That destabilisation is anti-life, and creates death, and yet even that engenders its own axis perpendicular to light and darkness, an axis of harmony and chaos. For death itself is a fact of nature and by definition cannot be evil, but is what then must occur when light and dark are neither completely harmonious nor completely chaotic, but are also balanced between the two.

Contemplating the first axis of light and dark and second axis of harmony and chaos, or rather life and death, brings to mind the polarised symbol of the cross, occult with much mystical knowledge. Dark and light horizontal, and life and death passing vertically through the middle with life above and death below. And where they meet is where we find ourselves, in this entirely human three-dimensional experience.

What more can be said of that? Perhaps other dimensional experiences find themselves in other various parts of the axes. And just like these axes of reality, we all carry our internal axes of identity to correspond, an axes of the soul in response to its reality. And this is where I find myself, not so much contemplating the hows and whys of reality, but more so questioning my own place within it and how that identity finds its expression.

Some within witchcraft say that the axis of light and dark corresponds to the masculine and feminine principles. Traditionally throughout history this also applies. Masculine has been seen as that bright, fierce, heated element, as feminine has been seen as dark, passive, and cold. But do these truly correspond? Perhaps their imbalance is how we perceive their expression, corrected in attempt by their counterpart axis of life and death. The feminine creates, the masculine destroys. The feminine births, the masculine warmongers. But what if the feminine destroys and the masculine creates? Or the feminine warmongers and the masculine births? Where are we then on our personal axes? Where do we identify ourselves?

This is the question I have been asking myself, more so since Inanna conquered my heart with her weapon of divine love. For Inanna warmongers and Inanna loves. Inanna destroys and Inanna and creates. Inanna is male and Inanna is female. Inanna is transcendent and Inanna is immanent. Inanna is the embodiment of duality itself, and gives rise to the exploration of that within the soul. For as Deity is everything and all within the axes and beyond, so too is the soul’s original state. And the perception of that allows the creation of our own unique point of balance.

So what is that point with myself? How do I orientate myself gender-wise? How do I identify myself sexually? These are the questions now being asked, prompted by the original poster Goddess of the LGBT+ movement, causing me to stop, slow down, and truly connect my spirituality with my physical reality. To connect my higher self with my three dimensional body. That higher self which embodies the whole of the axes and yet desires to experience just one facet of it. A self that is multidimensional in nature experiencing all facets simultaneously across multiple realities. Which reality or identity do I want to express now? Who am I? That is the question.

Review: What Happened Between the Months of October 2015 to March 2016

I thought I would write a most concise and chronological account for my readers about what exactly happened between October 2015 and March 2016. In all honestly, it was all just a huge mess, or it felt that way. On top of that I still actually have amnesia around end of December to the beginning of January. I am not sure I will ever regain my memories of this period.

Let’s go back to the basics, to the beginning. I was still in a relationship with Dan, who I considered to my twin flame, and we had met for the penultimate time at the beginning of October. During this time I was exploring with what I called light body activations on other people. I wanted to be a healer, so I messed around with what I didn’t understand at the time.

In these light body activations what I would do, in my mind at least, was somewhat merge my higher self with the higher self of other people, sort of imprinting my template onto theirs. I thought my higher self was pretty evolved and able to do this, so I saw no issue with it.

However, I never learned how to properly ground others energy or properly shield the working space, or to cut cords after I’d finished a healing session, so I think one of the problems was I was getting contaminated with a lot of negative energy from the clients I was working on. So I started attracting more negative entities.

On top of that, I was channelling. At the time I thought I was channelling only love and light beings, but over time the messages started to change, and become nasty. I started hearing voices in my head, as much as thousands at one point, and couldn’t turn them off. It was very scary.

At the end of October, I started messing around with something else. There was an entity on the spiritual realm that claimed to be a non-incarnate twin flame. It wanted to do a heart merge with me, which of course is the most intimate kind of spiritual interaction.

I went ahead and merged with this being, only finding out afterwards that it wanted to hurt me, and was making my life living hell. Of course, it only turned out to be a fallen angel. I remember seeing the wings, as he wrapped himself around me. It was an incredibly sexual encounter, which leads me to believe he was also an incubus.

Once my heart was open to him then my heart was open to all the rest of his minions, which included low ranking demons and enslaved lost souls, e.g. ghosts, as well as enslaved lost soul fragments of the living.

Now, at some point I came to believe that this fallen angel or incubus, was actually a soul fragment of another living person, and that I had karma with them which needed to be resolved. That’s when I started doing soul retrieval. In order to reverse the damage I had done from inviting this entity into my heart, as well as all the negative entities from the all clients I had worked with, I started sending back their soul fragments which I believed had attached to me, and started retrieving what I believed were my own.

But, this lead me down a darker path, because ultimately the more I invited inside me, the more I became possessed. But that’s not to say the soul retrieval didn’t work because in the end I did find my lost soul fragments which were stuck in the deepest regions of the underworld. I just had to go through a lot of negative entities to get to that stage. It’s like I was in a war, to find the pieces of me which I believed had been split off from careless spiritual exploration, but which had actually always been fragmented from birth, due to growing up in the midst of childhood abuse.

During this phase my relationship with Dan got incredibly rocky. The energy between us was just too negative, with the demons coming between us. Trying to fix our connection energetically, I came to the conclusion that our relationship cord was bunged up and blocked by lots of ghosts.

At this point my sensitivity to the spiritual realm was getting ridiculous. I was incredibly psychic, could read minds, was communicating with spiritual beings on an hourly basis, was suddenly very adept in psychic healing, and could literally see the spiritual realm around me as if it were physical. I also started having out of body experiences and was travelling around the spiritual planes looking for my soul fragments and battling negative entities and such.

So, I saw mine and Dan’s connection as being blocked by a shit load of ghosts, and so in my desperation, I started telling the ghosts to go towards the light, where they could be set free. I started talking with and communicating with and bartering with the ghosts. Saying they couldn’t stay here. But as I started helping them towards the light, more and more were attracted to me that had nothing to do with our connection. On the astral plane I was like a big flashing light saying “I can help you”.

Now by this time, I was so possessed that I had without realising taken an advanced healing spirit inside me. This is why all of a sudden I was very savvy about healing without ever being taught. I was like a full on shaman.

And I realised this, and I embraced it. The healing spirit had told me she was one of my guides and had come to help me remove all the lost souls that had been drawn to me due to the channelling I was doing.

So I let her help me. But as I let her work through me, I became aware of an evil spirit trying to hurt me, from the hell realms. Well, it only turned out that this healing spirit inside me had actually accidentally killed the spirit of this man in her life, and was trying to resolve her karma through me. So she and this spirit started battling it out in my body. That was hell on earth. There I was trying to help her resolve her issues with this evil vengeful and murdering spirit, so that she could eventually leave me too and go towards the light.

But then, as I started getting to know this evil spirit, I realised that he was a veteran from one of the world wars, and I started taking on his memories, which was incredibly painful. The reason why was because this spirit had been tormented as a child by his father (seeing the parallels here between my own childhood – coincidence? I think not), and I remember the feeling of being whipped as if it was actually happened to me. In my vision my whole back was beaten and bloodied, and to add to that, this spirit had been raped. I remember that very vividly, and thinking it was a past life of mine at the time, I thought I’d been raped as a child (more on that later). So I started developing an incredible sadness, for about two days I was crying non-stop, as I was re-experiencing all these things this spirit had done. I also started feeling unborn baby ghosts in my etheric womb, which were there as a result of all the traumatic sexual energy I was experiencing.

Then, in order to let go of this spirit, I unconsciously employed more healing spirits. I eventually realised through these other healing spirits that there was a battle going on between the first healing spirit and her husband, who was actually the war veteran and who had killed people in his life. He wasn’t a very nice spirit at all, and I started developing his associations too of what it was like to be a war veteran, to kill other people in cold blood.

In order to solve this entire problem, I employed even more healer spirits to try and help me out. Now this is when my sense of self-identity started to get really blurry. I was heavily possessed by this point, was taking on the associations and memories and identities of what felt like hundreds of spirits, and was experiencing memory loss and loss of consciousness.

These healer spirits meanwhile were still trying to help me retrieve my lost soul fragments, and they told me that very soon it would all be over and that they would leave.

Eventually, these healer spirits started changing my spiritual focus. They told me I didn’t need to do psychic healing anymore. They said my journey was almost over and it was time to bring things to a close. So they started shutting down all the energy portals that had formed in my body, my chakras, and started clearing my karma over my entire life, saying I was a new person, and that I was to live my life differently, as a new being.

So, for about a couple of weeks, I got rid of all my crystals, my incense, my spiritual tools, and stopped all this psychic and spiritual madness completely. I decided for once I wanted to be ‘normal’, and that I was done with the spiritual realm.

And I did feel normal for a stretch. But the ghosts especially wouldn’t leave me, even though I tried to ignore them, they compelled me to try and continue helping them towards the light.

In the end, I gave in to continuing with energy work, but it only lasted a little while, because I was starting to be too far gone. At this point I started developing seizures, as a result from my brain being unable to handle the heavy possession. My entire body felt like it was covered in this thick living darkness, and in the end, I completely lost sense of my identity. I could not tell who I was.

Now, during all this I’ve forgotten to mention all the shadows I would see lurking around me at night, all the times I’d wake up being strangled, or attacked. The attacks would come more and more frequently, first in the nights where I’d wake up screaming, and then in the days where I could no longer control it.

And so I lost all sense of my identity, and all too soon realised that these were spirits that were pretending to be me, and that weren’t actually me. The problem I had then was “If they aren’t me, then which one is the real me”… bit of a silly question since I was the one asking it. But I was so dissociated from my identity at this point I honestly couldn’t tell who I was, and I got very, very scared.

That’s when my mother came running into my room because of all the screaming and so in desperation I literally begged her to help me, because I couldn’t take anymore. She then told me to be quiet and she said “Now I speak to the demon inside you, what is your name?”

The reply came back “I’m Jezebel, I belong to this body, and I’m not leaving’.

Suffice to say the both of us were shocked. Turns out that for a lot of the crazy things I was going through, Jezebel was the leader of what was going on. She organised the whole of it, the entities, the attacks, the possession. And yet actually, she was only doing what my unconscious self had employed her to do – to find my lost soul fragments which had been trapped in the underworld from the time I was young.

The reason was that, by her account, she had been dormant inside me since I was very little. She stated that I had been raped at two years old, which left me open to attack, due to trauma. Part of my child self had left, and in place there was an energetic void remaining. Then when my mother married my abusive ex step-dad when I was three, she stepped in to fill that void, in order to protect me. But through that process of protecting me, she became my persecutor.

And as she was stating all this, it was like I was reliving the rape, that happened to me as a baby. It was incredibly, incredibly traumatising.

And during all these memories surfacing, I learned the reason I started channelling was to get knowledge on whether I was really raped, and whether parts of me were really lost as a result. And that the healing spirits were attracted to me as a result to help me come to the conclusion of this. So ultimately, all this madness was all part of my own unconscious plan to find out the truth of myself.

But then, my mother tried to exorcise Jezebel from me, but she wouldn’t leave because the healing journey wasn’t finished and I still had to find my lost child self.

So my mother told me I needed to accept Jesus in my heart to be saved because only he could help me. So in my desperation I did. And right as I did that, I spontaneously went out of body again and found my lost child self in hell. I saw that she had been endlessly tortured there for all these years by Jezebel, and as part of that torture had been forced to also torture my ex step-dad’s own lost soul fragments.

Then, I saw Jesus come down into that hell and rescue my child self to place her back in my body. This was because my child self loved Jesus, before any of the abuse happened; she was Christian. And so, he was literally her saviour.

After this entire experience, I had to re-integrate my child self, which was actually a collection of many child fragments, and that took time. At one point I regressed all the way back to a baby. I was reliving all the memories of being trapped in those hellish realms. It was quite incredible, really.

But, the trauma all those months left me with was too much for me to bear, and on top of that the demons and negative entities were still around me, tormenting me, and I just couldn’t cope any longer. I just wasn’t strong enough anymore, I was too tired of it all and my body gave in after the end of a very long battle. So I went to the doctor, and she put me on anti-psychotics which started to calm down the visions, and then I learned my adrenals were no longer functional and that I have to be on replacement steroids for the rest of my life. But I won the battle, and at least on the spiritual level, did the healing. My child self had been restored, and Jezebel eventually realised she no longer needed to hurt me to protect me.

So hopefully in this post I have covered all bases… at least the bases I can remember. There is probably a lot of detail I am leaving out, because so much went on, but this is basically the gist of it all.

Oh, one thing I do remember, is that the healer spirits had told me in a previous life I was in a bomb explosion, which shattered my soul into thousands of pieces and since then in every life I have been trying to re-gather myself. I don’t really know if that’s true, but it was a large part of the story for me during those months.

Imbolc & Ostara Update: Mother’s Day Dedication to The Goddess – Praise for how She has Changed my Life

Wow, it’s been a long time since I updated here! I try to do it at least every sabbat but this Imbolc I was unable to, the reason being that all of a sudden an apartment became available for me to move into, after almost two years of trying to find myself one! And the news came right after I’d returned from Mexico seeing and making amends with my dad for the new year. And that was intense in itself, in fact, the whole of the last entire year has been intense, call it twenty-nineteen intensive training, haha. I really honestly believe last year was one huge transition period in my life, and right before the beginning of my Saturn return, so this is huge. In fact, funny thing is I felt the change happening on the spiritual level before I even knew or had idea that I was going to be finally moving out of my abusive family’s house. It’s like a space was opening up inside me, preparing me for this. I had a sense something was coming as a result, and even my tarot cards and the gods were telling me a pivotal change was on the way, but as someone who has historically experienced more bad luck and let downs than the counterparts, I was just chilled and like “cool, we’ll see”… and see I have done.

Last year was all about working on my divine masculine. In fact, it was deeper than that. Last year was all about finding myself, finding ME. Last year I learned of my dissociation, came to harmony with my fragmented psyche as a result, got myself off the anti-depressants successfully, reconnected with my divine masculine for the first time ever, and connected to my power and strength internally. I remember back to summer 2018, I asked what the theme was in my life at that time, and I drew the strength card. And for sure I developed and found that strength within me that I never did before. I feel so empowered and happy for the first time in my life. Sure things aren’t perfect, this is planet earth after all (and let’s not mention the corona madness which is going on right now), but have I evolved? Hell yeah. I have come to a freedom from twenty six years of pain, trauma, abuse, dysfunction, and toxicity. And I didn’t do it by myself. Sure it was always within me to do it, but I can’t take the credit. I have to completely put this on the Goddess, because truth be told, when I started opening my heart to her in 2016, that’s when everything started changing for me. I have become a person I never knew was there inside me, and yet always wished to be. And the Goddess has been there for me this whole time nurturing it, just as a Mother does. And so I dedicate this post to the Goddess, as it’s Mother’s Day, and she has been my true Mother in life, when my biological mother has failed me many times.

The Goddess has been with me in many forms since those four years ago. She has been Sophia, Mary, Isis, Durga, Diana, Hecate, Venus, and now, she is Inanna. I have found My Goddess, or rather, She found me. All Goddesses are one Goddess, that is true, but all Goddesses are unique manifestations of Her, individual persons in their own right, and many manifestations of Her have appeared to me on my journey, nurturing my soul, piecing it back together piece by fragile piece, and I can’t write this without mentioning my amazing shamanic healer who the Goddess has worked through to aid in that process. I have become completely transformed since the beginning of this journey when I first met her (the shaman) and the Goddess. My healer reconnected me with my entire soul essence which had been completely shattered and left the body, leaving me completely dissociated and physically ill and drained of energy. My body is still physically recovering from this, but considering I was wheelchair bound back in 2016 and couldn’t even walk, I’d say I have healed an awful lot. And having moved away from my abusive family has catalysed that even further, something my therapist made me realise was the cause of my energy loss. My family was literally sucking me dry through the twenty six years of trauma they had and still were causing me. But now I am walking my dog every day, I can swim again, I’m doing yoga now I have the freedom, I have the energy to live a fairly normal existence outside of the soul sucking capitalist society we live in work-wise. But that’s okay, because now I can finally start my own spiritual business from home. The time is coming, the healer has come to a place of healing oneself, and now has that wonderful gift to share with others. I can feel it inside me like a light, growing and expanding, and strengthening itself, stabilising, loving me, so that it can then love others all the better.

I have a permanent altar set up now, which is where I am writing from on my desktop, considering most of what I will be doing on this computer will be spiritual/business related. And I have a few tools to buy to complete the basic set up and I have a print relief of Inanna on the way to frame on my wall above the altar as my Patron Goddess. She came to me before Christmas, her presence lingering strongly. I went to Mexico and was preoccupied for a while but when I returned home to continue my practice, so did she. So I finally asked her why I was feeling her so strongly, and she responded very clearly that she was there to help me transition from the life I had, to the life I wanted. So I accepted her help, and it was literally just a few days after that I found out I was suddenly about to move. As the move was so sudden and exhausting, I had completely forgotten about that and her during the process, until things started to settle again and she returned, reminding me that she had told me that she had done what she said she would. She made this happen for me. I was honestly mind-blown. So I asked her then if that meant she was leaving – oh no, she wanted to stay and help me with everything to come. Who was I to say no? She has basically taken over all of me, my heart, hearth, and home, is what I say. She put herself in my path, she made me take notice, and she has put herself as the centre and focus of my entire practice. I don’t think now there is any me without Her – but that can be said in regards to the Great Goddess in general, of which she is a particular image of, and the one that has manifested to me. I am woman, and woman is Goddess, and Goddess is woman – there is no one without the other. Inanna is here because she is me and I am her.

And whilst I’m on this topic, I knew I was meant to be a priestess for a while but considered myself ‘in training’ for the last few years. But now the initiation is over, and it’s time for me to live what I have learned. I am a priestess of the Goddess and of any goddess as extension, but more specifically of Inanna, now, after her having come to me in a vision recently (or rather I was lead to her), where she was sat on a throne between the two pillars of duality just like the image of the High Priestess tarot card. And she reached out her sceptre and blessed me and said “this authority and power is now yours, use it wisely”, and that was that. It was a turning point in my path, from one level to another. One could say from student to teacher but there are still many things I need to learn, and I suppose, that’s true of any real world teacher. They may have a bachelor’s degree, but it doesn’t mean they’re a professor! At the same time I’m hesitant to say there are levels to spiritual development, but it’s a fact of nature there are levels to the development of human consciousness in general anyway, for example from baby to toddler to child to teen to adult. Anyway, I may be getting off topic, my point is maybe that I passed one grade and graduated, and now have the skills to do some real work, regardless of all the rest of things I still need to learn (and I know they are many). I just want to keep my ego in check because in the past I didn’t and it was definitely a lead up to my brutal fall from grace. Then again, it could be debated whether I was really given as much grace as I thought. The beginning of awakening is always difficult with the ego wanting to claim the new insights and revelations of spirit. It’s hard to believe now that I started this journey almost ten years ago. I have experienced a lot for someone so young, though I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it was a bad thing that I turned into a good thing. When we are abused there are really only one of two options: To become the abuser, or to become the healer. And now is my time to give back as the healer.

Here on my altar I have a piece I painted in moon blood with the ancient verse “Profit and loss are Inanna’s to control”, ever since I first read that it really spoke to me on a deep level, and whilst I know I have some influence on my own destiny through free will and personal choice, reading that keeps me humble and reminds me that without the Goddess, and the Goddess as Inanna, I would not be here. I have everything to thank her for, she liberated me, and now my life really belongs to her. I mean, it really did from the day I first opened my heart to her those four years ago, but I didn’t know that then. But my purpose, my destiny, I know it now, is to serve her. That’s what I give back in return for her liberation of me. She is Soteira – Saviour. They say we can only save ourselves, and that’s true in one sense as it takes us to want to be willing to allow that to happen, but in another sense we are only human and need a personal relationship with the divine to aid us in that salvation.

I did not expect when I started writing this post that it would be mostly about the Goddess, but honestly I am so grateful and as it’s mothers day and I have already dedicated this post to Her, I am happy to have shared these thoughts and feelings. I hope that as I begin to find my own, true, place in this world, that I can do some good, help others, and be a light in the darkness of others I have myself overcome. I’m nowhere near perfect, I know that, but I’m content, and I have clarity, and I’m happy and at peace with myself.

Amadéa (By the love of the Goddess).

Happy Winter Solstice 2019: My Rebirthing of the Divine Masculine Within

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Call it what you may, Christmas or Yule, or any other variation thereof, this is the time of year we celebrate the return of the sun and its light in our life. And we praise its banishing of darkness that has plagued us since the beginning of the dark half of year, most notable at Samhain. We also look forward in hope to spring again, when the days are of equal length to the night once again and daylight is only increasing from thereon. It is a time of hope, faith, and preparation for the new things in our life.

This time last year, I had prayed to Aphrodite and created a spell to find new love for the New Year. And it was successful, in its own way. Love did not take the form I had planned that January 2019, but love found me for sure, and it has completely, completely, transformed me as a person. I have experienced many soul connections throughout my life, many with lessons far too advanced for me to pass, having resulted in many spectacular failures. But with this one I believe I had the advantage, as, for the first time, I had faith in a higher power, who had proven Her love for me. I had the Goddess. And throughout this past year, through this relationship, and through my own desire to better myself, she has completely revolutionised my concept of Self, to a sense of feeling illuminated and clear, for the first time in a very long time.

It is a shift, a very subtle one this winter solstice, but a very deep shift nevertheless that has been in the works for a long time now. Oh how I struggled and toiled within myself, all that hard, soul-destroying work, to rebirth myself from the ashes, to realise who I truly was and truly am, at heart. I have, come to a vision of myself that is entire, even in my brokenness. I see all the pieces of me now, and I know how they are meant to be put back to together, slowly, piece by piece, in their own time and at their own pace. I have come to a sense of wholeness within that vision of perfect brokenness. It’s tentative, but it’s there, and now my charge is to nurture it, so that I can complete this vision.

What just has happened though? I may hear those of you reading thinking. What has happened is that this relationship, which I have fully come to see now, along with all the other ‘twin flamey’ connections in my life that came before, as karmic soulmates, along with the perfect guidance and direction of the Goddess with me, has lead me to the reconnection of my soul to the Divine Masculine, both without as the God, but within myself too. I have completely reconnected to this part of me that has before been completely cut off, and rejected. And oh boy has it been a journey and a half.

This relationship which I found myself in, was a Daddy Dom/Little Girl relationship. He was indeed my substitute daddy, a father figure, to my inner child. But more than that, I came to realise what I had within me was more than just an inner child. All this time, I had been living with different personalities in my head, called dissociative identities, or alters, and that my ‘inner child’ was actually what is called a ‘Little’, that is, a fully developed personality who stopped mentally progressing at a certain age as a child due to trauma. And that trauma, was multiple in nature.

The first trauma was the trauma of sexual abuse by a daycare worker, at the age of two years old. That created the ‘crack’ so to speak in my psyche. Which could’ve healed, had not an abusive and violent man married my mother a few months later and called himself my father for the next seventeen years. And that original trauma, that wound, never got chance to heal, and it festered and that Little part of me became scared, repressed, and dormant, and other personalities arose to take her place in protection. One of these early personalities and protectors was Jezebel, who originally was a persecutor modelled in the image of my abuser’s religious fascination of evil spirits and demons. As a result of that and preceding religious abuse, many of my alters were formed in the image of persecutory demons, and one of these demons or rather devils is a male known as Asmodeus.

Asmodeus is a devil of both wrath and lust. You can say the two are one for him. And he has been active for many years terrifying not just myself, but everyone else in our dissociative system, including Jezebel, who in fact was only acting in response to his hatred. Her own hatred in fact was fuelled by his. And he, was the entire embodiment of all the male abuse that I and we have ever experienced. Every terrible male thing that happened to me personally but also impersonally such as I may have seen on tv or in history (think Adolf Hitler), he embodied it all. And as such, for many, many, years, he was a silent and deadly force, devastating both myself, our system, and my life every-time I tried to make something for myself. He was the ultimate saboteur, and the ultimate ‘root cause’ of every problem I had experienced yet unknown to me, until now.

Now, if you have been paying attention, you can see the progression of events here. I fell in love with a man who became a substitute daddy, which brought out my Little alter, which helped me learn about Jezebel, as Jezebel was always my Little’s persecutor/protector. And once Jezebel had come to her own balance, I learn that in fact she has only been acting in accordance to Asmodeus. And so I learn of Asmodeus and his fall from Grace, and then – And then I meet him, in his original form, before that fall from Grace. I meet him, the quintessential male within me, the archetype and alter both, made in the original image of the God, the Divine Masculine, and I realise – He is the Father! He is the Father within who I had always been searching for and yet never known due to pain. In fact, he had never known either, in his own amnesia.

When I saw him in that perfect state, his true angelic, nay, godly nature, I realised then who he truly was. He was Strength, and funnily enough I just remembered just now writing this that when I pulled a tarot card last year as to what my theme was, it was Strength. And Strength is flanked by two lions. And Asmodeus, he is the lion. And he is also the Dragon, as is my soul. Asmodeus is the, what Jung could call, the shadow projection of my Animus. But those projections started to fall away, and the entire system started to come into balance, and then, for the first time, I was connected to the Divine Masculine within me. And that is how I came to that vision of my own perfect wholeness, within the brokenness, and how I came to know the God in a direct personal relationship with no fear. And since then, He has been with me, alongside the Goddess, cheering me and my healing on.

The implications of this have been truly profound. I have for the first time ever, reconnected with my biological father in the real world. I have never succeeded before. But now I have the returning innocent strength of Asmodeus returning, and the energy of the Divine Masculine within me with it. And I have the God who is beside me as ever, even though I saw it not before in Asmodeus’ fall from grace. Asmodeus is my archetypal Lucifer, but now, he is redeemed. Or in the process of being redeemed anyway. And that has created an entire chain of positive events with the men in my life, for example as I already expressed, with my dad. I feel very much more at ease with men and male energy in general, as I feel that comfortably sitting within myself to begin with. And it has also allowed me to withdraw my projections when it comes to romantic relationships and my codependent energies that fuel them. And so hence, has come the end of one era in my life, one of primarily codependent relationships (I hope!) and another of sitting within my own energy and having the union of my own love within of that masculine and feminine Self. The reflection of the God and Goddess, made manifest within the human (or non-human incarnate) soul.

And so, with the Winter Solstice approaching, my wish, my heartfelt prayer since probably October, that the Divine Masculine would be reborn in me just as the sun is to be reborn, was granted. And that day the God closed the end of one chapter in my life, of many years, and began a new one. And so, that is how Christmas 2019 has gone for me!

Baring my Soul on the Rebound of a Curse Cast: The Jezebellian-Lilithian Exploitation, Exploration, and Expression of the Divine Masculine

It has been a while, I think, since I’ve felt inspired to write a post like this, at least, I hope in the way I want it to turn out. I feel, somewhat embarrassed, nay, ashamed, for wanting to expose parts of myself I would rather keep locked up in the shadows, either from my own awareness, or from those friends who hold me in high esteem.

I will start with the end of my last blog post from Samhain. I had planned a trip a few months ago to Mexico to see my family, and then to see my Daddy afterwards on the way home as it wasn’t too far flight wise. But, those past few months, I had been stressed from moving house and from the side effects of new medications and also from having to deal with the new understanding that my mother has been abusive in ways I did not let myself see before. I had, in many ways, shut myself off emotionally from both my Daddy and the world. I was depressed, and I was, in a dissociative sense, repressed.

Due to all that, it came to a moment some time after I wrote that post, in which the topic of his current polyamorous lifestyle came up again. In a complete and utter impulsive tantrum, I broke up with him, quit speaking to him, and cancelled my flight to see him. Just like that, in one whole moment. I was, to say the least, intensely, intensely triggered. The ‘worst’ part of me, so to speak, came out. This, what I shall now call, the Jezebellian part of me. The man-hating angry protective part of me. Oh, she wasn’t happy.

And I am ashamed of that. Why? I am not ashamed of her because she did what she had to do in order to make me feel safe. Because I was feeling unloved, unwanted, not good enough, all these things… I felt so horrible within myself, so sad and so angry. But, there is more than that. I was in that state maybe two weeks, dissociating all over the place, struggling to care for myself. But his soul energy never left me, counteracting the lies I was telling myself and had been telling myself all these years. Because these lies are just lies I was told as a child and had internalised. In the end, I came back to him. Me, the whole of me, realised, his love, despite his current polyamory, was and is true and genuine for me. His orientation never changed that.

But that part of me, was activated. Jezebel, she wanted to continue protecting me. In her influence, or maybe I should just stop fobbing my own craziness off on her, because we are all one person after all, I cast a couple of spells which, is the real reason behind my feeling ashamed. Because, I cast a spell, which, whilst when I had planned it was meant to be completely done in a non negative way, to try and change his orientation to monogamous, the anger that I had been previously feeling just flood through me, and in the actual moment of casting it, I said it in such a vengeful way that it became, literally, a curse. And the first one I have cast at that. I was unsettled but shook it off. I figured, it was just part of it. Emotion is highly effective in charging spells, though, I use multiple energy sources in my spells these days.

Anyway, I need to spit this out, and maybe this is the entire purpose of the post, to expose myself so that everything can finally be cleared from my slate, in some vicarious way, the spell, I believe, had rebounded. Now, I had programmed in an anti-rebound into the spell because I’ve had spells rebound before and it’s never nice. But it seems since I programmed this anti rebound in, the energy came back to me in an unusual way. Instead of making him monogamous, it seems to have instead brought out the parts of me that are actually polyamorous, is trying to help me through my blocks that made me feel unloveable and unworthy, and in general making me reconsider the entire damn thing on my own end. Hilarious right?

I figured, in the end, I have to decide whether I am okay with this. I can cancel the spell if necessary, I always program in end-spells too. Spell work is complex business. And this was probably the most complex I cast so I am not entirely surprised it did rebound. At least it didn’t rebound in a negative way. It could certainly be worse than Jezebel and Lilith deciding to front way more and end up attracting loads of men to me in their own dominating way to make me feel loved, secure, and protected. Whilst, ironically, actually making me feel closer to my Daddy. How does that work? I don’t know. But I’m thinking right now, maybe it was just meant to rebound. I have a theory about that, because I drew a tarot card which I ascertained at the time meant I needed to be patient and have a change in perspective. I just checked right now which card this was and yes, it was the Hanged Man. That would make a lot of sense. I believe, I failed to take into account the active nature of drawing a card as part of the spell in influencing it, and so instead of the proceeding spell wanting me to do what I wanted, the Hanged Man actually propelled it into the more advisory direction instead, which, in this case, was entirely the opposite, lol. So I believe this is where I went wrong. I ignored the card. And this is a beginners mistake, as I have only just started using my own deck of cards, seeing as I haven’t been able to get away with it before in my current religiously suffocating household.

But this, this is what I need to get off my conscience. And I haven’t told him, and I don’t know if he will read this and find out this way. I guess I have to bare my soul either way. I need to get it off my chest, because it’s an experience that just, well, went entirely just not how I expected or initially desired, but in the process has changed me, I feel, at least for the present moment, in a positive way. I am exploring new parts of me I have not before. I am learning about myself, and going through a period of, I don’t know, how would Jung say it? Individuation.

Having a dissociative disorder makes this stuff real difficult sometimes. Add a few demonic alters and the power of magick and you have a potent mix on your hands. And yet – I know I’m a good person deep down. Just conflicted and trying to sort my shit out. And me, we, are in the process of doing that. It turns out, I’m not averse to using black magick, it just also turns out, sometimes the answer or outcome just isn’t how you expect it.

Does this mean I’m really polyamorous? Oh I have no clue, I have been back and forth on that question for ten damn years. I can’t make up my mind. Sometimes, it feels natural. Other times, not so much. Maybe these are just the different parts of me trying to have their say.

All I know is, I am going through a massive heart-healing right now, especially in regards to the masculine principle, and with my connection and communication with The God. His energy is healing me, through all these men who are drawn to, what seems to be, this succubus-like energy in me, the Lilith, as I will call it for now, as I am not really sure. The God is uniting the male and female principles within me and I’m really feeling like for the first in my life, I may not be half a person. I may actually be a whole person, lol.

Maybe this is the essence of twin flame connections and relationships. Through all the energy and intensity, finding your own wholeness within. I mean, it was always there, it was just never realised.

So what now? I have no idea. I, we, are in a process of rediscovering. And maybe this Christmas travel abroad was never meant to happen in the first place, as I’ve been so ill anyway. It looks like, my Daddy will be travelling to me next instead. And maybe, maybe that’s just the way it’s meant to be.

Because I pray and I pray and I pray, always for guidance and inspiration and advice, and this looks like it’s my path ahead for the time being. And as long as I’m myself, my true self, and stay true to that, I should find myself where I am meant to be, in the end.

Samhain Update, Constellational Astrology, Facing my Inner Demons, Addison’s Disease Diagnosis, Returning to Mexico, & Studying Environmental Science

Goddess where do I start, I can’t even remember everything that has happened to me in the last half a year or so? I mean it must be half a year because I think I last updated during Beltane and now it’s near Samhain. And I’m pretty sure the Celts said that was half a year. I’ve been pretty big into understanding ancient, pagan, and magickal calendars lately. And it’s kind of making me feel in tune with nature even more. It’s amazing how disconnected you don’t realise you are from the cycles of nature with the Gregorian calendar until you start exploring other potential ways of measuring time. That’s been a big focus for me at least the past month or so. It started when I was trying to come up with my own medicine wheel, of the four or eight quarters and trying to make all the associations of time fit, and I realised it didn’t really fit at all. So I’ve been working on trying to make it fit since.

I have also learned a lot more about astrology as a result. I learned about the procession of the equinoxes, sidereal astrology, and the astronomical Zodiac. Did you know the sun is still in Virgo? Yet popular tropical astrology says it’s in Scorpio and today in sidereal astrology it moved into Libra. But yes when you physically look at the sky you will see the sun actually in Virgo right now. And so, our entire understanding of astrology is completely off. Because when the ancients first devised the system of astrology, to them it was the exact same as astronomy. The sun would’ve been in Scorpio right now, but because of the precession of the equinoxes, over thousands of years it no longer is. Aries is no longer the first constellation rising on the horizon during the vernal (spring) equinox. It is Pisces (which by the way, means we’re still in the Age of Pisces and will be for another few hundred years until Aquarius finally pops up on the horizon during the vernal equinox instead).

So there is constellational astrology which totally throws off everything you think you know. Think about it. In tropical astrology (which is a few thousand years out of date, gee, I didn’t know I was that old!) I am a Virgo Sun, Pisces Moon, and Libra Rising. In sidereal astrology (which is used by the Vedics), I am Leo Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Libra Rising. In constellational astrology/astronomy, when I was actually born, the Sun was in Leo, the Moon in Aquarius, and the ascendant (the zodiac on the horizon) was Virgo.

I understand that tropical zodiac is meant to be symbolic more than literal, but that’s not actually the way the ancients devised it to be. To them astrology and astronomy were exactly the same. So I think by using the tropical zodiac, we would be doing them, and science in general, a massive disservice. We need to honour the spiritual and the scientific in tandem. And that means knowing that the zodiac constellations are not all of equal size. In tropical zodiac they are divided symbolically to be 30° each (30 x 12 = 360 aka the circumference of a circle), but in actual reality they all span varying degrees. For example, Virgo, the constellation we’re still currently in, spans around 45°, and is one of the largest constellations as a result. Meanwhile Scorpio actually only spans about 7°, which Ophiuchus spanning 20 something degrees. This means the Sun stays only a few days in Scorpio. And unlike in tropical or sidereal astrology, Ophiuchus is recognised as an actual astronomical constellation that lies along the ecliptic. The ancients recognised Ophiuchus, but he got edited out by history and time. Meaning all in all there are thirteen constellations.

There is more that could be said about this but it’s suffice for now to say that I’m not following popular astrology anymore, and only following sidereal astrology as a guide. But rather I prefer to see for myself (well, indirectly, through the Night Sky App) where the luminaries/planets are constellation wise for myself. And let me just reiterate, we are still in Virgo, right up until the end of October or Halloween/Samhain.

Ah Samhain, that mystical time of the year when the veil is thinnest between the worlds, spirts and ancestors appear and are honoured… I do not have any ancestors I know of to honour. However I did have a dream a while back of an Aztec ancestor who told me to honour La Santa Muerte (Our Lady is Death), so I may just so that. He was a devotee of her back when she was known as Mictecacihuatl. It is really interesting but I think all my abilities stem from my nameless ancestors on all sides. So maybe I should honour and thank them for that and request more of their aid, since I believe that’s where my spiritual connection comes from in the first place. My Mayan/Aztec line, my Roman/Iberian line, my Romani/Irish line on my British side. For some reason when I was born physical health skipped me and maybe mental health too (although a lot of that was trauma induced), but spirituality wise I seem to have inherited it all. So yes I will honour my ancestors for their hand on my life, which suddenly I feel so keenly for the first time whilst writing this. Thank you to my dearest ancestors 🙏

Mercury will also be going retrograde again soon. It will be during Samhain, which I remember was the same last year. Is Mercury retrograde always during Samhain or is it just for now? It seems like the two make for some really powerful shadow work, and I have definitely been facing my demons head on. Demons, funnily enough, no longer scare me, at least not in the I want to run and hide sense. Sure I still have fear, I am human, and what human doesn’t have fear? But I am no longer afraid of what they represent, which funnily enough, is fear itself.

I have been through so much darkness, dark night of the soul, shamanic sickness, near death experience, whatever you want to call it. Well I won’t tempt fate by saying nothing could be worse than what I have already experienced, but I’m pretty sure after the hell I went through there’s not much anymore that could really perturbe me. And that is what this Samhain is reminding me of. My own strength, but as a result of having faced my own darkness. And who knows if it’s really my darkness or the collective’s darkness? I don’t think it really matters at this point. I think what matters is that you can’t be afraid of darkness when you are the darkness. You can’t be afraid of darkness when you realise darkness is only fear, and that fear itself is not worth fearing.

I had a dream recently actually that I became La Santa Muerte, well, sort of, in a non cultural sense. I can only call what I became as “Lady Death”, and to me that is La Santa Muerte, but broadly speaking it was just the female grim reaper (speaking in a European perspective). So I was Lady Death and what struck me is that actually I wasn’t evil. I was just doing a job of spreading darkness into the world. And the darkness itself wasn’t even evil or had any emotional or moral tagline to it. It just “was”, it was just a force much like light or gravity or magnetism. It was a necessary force and a law, and something for humanity to decide what to actually do with. And humanity decide often to use it for evil. But it doesn’t actually make darkness evil. The darkness is just darkness. It is just a thing that exists. After all, if we didn’t have the dark at night, how could we sleep? The darkness is used in that sense for rest. Yet others may use the cover of night, of darkness to commit unspeakable acts.

And so, I am going through this process during the approach of Samhain and Mercury retrograde of evaluating the darkness within myself and understanding its purpose, of overcoming the fears I have of it and healing my relationship to darkness. And so I realise spirituality isn’t about transforming everything into light. Spirituality is about recognising what is and working with its original intent.

Okay, well besides all of that, I will update some things going on in my physical life. We have moved house actually as a family, though I am still trying to get my own place, which considering I’m on benefits and have a dog isn’t going very well. But I like the new house as we now live right next to the woods, and I have had more creative control over the decor of my room which I wasn’t allowed before. That is because I have a controlling mother which I had been blind to until I started having therapy again. Which I had to stop of course after moving since it’s a little too far away for me now to go to considering my fatigue, even though we only moved the next town over. But yes I realised my mother can be controlling and manipulative and often really neglectful. I had always seen her through rose tinted glasses because she was nothing like her violent ex husband. But actually she is a codependent which could be called an inverted narcissist. It is also covert and hard to spot compared to outright violent abuse. That said something I haven’t talked about is how she full on exorcised me a few years ago which actually was extremely abusive, considering I actually have dissociative identity disorder which her exoticism only just worsened. In a sense all my demons are really only caused by her craziness, codependent abuse, and ex husband’s narcissist. So it has been very frustrating at times suddenly having this knowledge that I have never actually been treated like a person and that my entire physical and mental illness is, more or less, her fault.

And that is why I am trying to move out, yet without much success. But I will keep trying and one day I will have to have a break. Thomas Edison after all had to try three hundred times to invent a light bulb that worked. Okay it’s not the same thing but the principle pretty much is. I won’t give up on life, even when I feel hopeless sometimes and frustrated (especially like lately). I have been through too much and become too much of a warrior to just give up. I will keep fighting through the demons, internal and external. After all, the internal demons are really only a reflection or projected identification of the external demons. Remove the external demons and the internal ones disappear too. And so I realise in a sense the internal ones aren’t even real, and that no matter how loud they get I can’t get myself get bothered by them.

Health wise, I have been diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia (excessive unexplained sleepiness) and Addison’s Disease which is where my adrenal glands aren’t working at all. In fact non-functioning adrenal glands can cause many symptoms including dissociation. So I believe my dissociative identity disorder is confounded by that. But I am being treated now for Addison’s Disease, which does mean a lifelong dependence on replacement steroid hormones, but it should help me out quite a lot. I have been on hydrocortisone quite a while but recently got prescribed fludrocortisone so I am hoping that will aid my recovery from fatigue doubly.

Besides that, I have decided to study environmental science part time with the open university starting February. Actually the reason for wanting to study again is because since I got diagnosed idiopathic Hypersomnia I have been on medicine prescribed to keep me awake too. That medicine is Modafinil also known as Provigil, which actually doesn’t really agree with me so I am only on the smallest dose which takes the edge off enough. But I have an appointment to talk to my neurologist in December and will hopefully get switched to something else to try instead (most likely some kind of amphetamine). So now I find it a little easier to stay awake I feel I will be able to handle a little studying since there’s not much else I can do again right now. And since my primary focus lately is the environment, environmental science seemed perfect for me. I also really enjoy the medical sciences considering my health issues and subsequent knowledge I’ve already accumulated as a result. But environmental science is something I feel more innately interested in.

Apart from that, I’m travelling to Mexico again for Christmas, which I am not looking to forward to, since my dad disowned me the last time and my sister estranged herself from me to the point I had no idea she was pregnant until she was practically almost giving birth. Hey I’m a first time aunt and I don’t know whether I’ll ever meet my nephew! But at least I will get to spend time with my brother. Then after that I will be heading to Baltimore for New Years with my daddy, which, I am hoping will be fun. Though right now the long distance situation is kind of getting to me. But either way should be fun.

And, I think that is it, for today’s post…

Meeting Daddy in Boston and Embodying the Wounded Healer

It is almost the summer solstice and I have just returned from holiday in Greater Boston where I met with my Daddy for the first time. The weather was thankfully beautiful and hot but I’ve come back to a cloudy and cool England which makes the separation again more bittersweet.

Actually, I kickstarted my holiday by seeing BTS for the second time this time at Wembley Stadium. I got myself a second tattoo to commemorate it (I’m starting to think I may be becoming addicted to getting tattoos lol) and I had the time of my life. The day after I got the plane from Heathrow to Boston. I was anxious and irritable actually but thankfully all for nothing because we had the best time ever.

We spent seven days together, and they were possibly the best seven days of my life. The location itself where we were staying was amazing enough with such beautiful scenes of nature all around us, and we visited a nature reserve which was my favourite and also Salem where the witch trials were held. But predictably Salem was all commercialised for tourism so there wasn’t much authenticity left. But I was glad I visited such an important historical site as a witch anyway.

We connected so well and I came away feeling like I had really met my soulmate if such a thing exists. I was able to be whoever I was in the moment (quite frequently I was little, including one particular moment when I age regressed completely as a result of feeling in such a safe space), and actually my demonic (protector) identities were mostly very quiet and content to see that the littles were happy. Though, they weren’t happy when we returned to England and got bitchy, but it’s their job to complain lol!

I do not really know quite how to express how I feel without boring my readers too, but I had the time of my life and everything felt so perfect. We have committed to trying to make it work and being together for real in the future and I really hope it works out. I usually have a good sense of the future of my relationships and I had a uniquely good feeling for this one (whereas all the rest of my relationships I ended up having a bad feeling that I would never see them again, which always turned out true lol). So I know we will see each other again.

Already the separation is so hard but I am going to try and focus on bettering myself and my circumstances. On that note I think it’s time to start offering my energy healing abilities as services for others. I want to save up money and get off benefits and create my own way ahead with the people I love. I have learned so much about my own self these past few months as a result of our relationship and done so much healing because of it too. I know I still have much more to learn as the eternal student, but it is time I start becoming who I know I am meant to be – The wounded healer.

The Goddess has remained close to me, close as ever, in all Her many manifestations – Gaia, Hecate, Asherah, Inanna, Durga, etc. And She has reconnected me with the Divine Masculine side of myself, which I experience as an extension of Her. As in Witchcraft the God is Her Son as well as Her lover. On top of that, through reconnecting with the God, I have become reconnected with my own darkness and shadow which likely was bound up in the masculine. And instead of being retraumatised like the years past which caused my mental and spiritual instability, I am making real progress with the fears and ‘ghosts’ so to speak which have haunted me all my life.

So I have embraced the left hand path of working with the darkness instead of merely repressing it. Lucifer is being my guide in this, both as a symbol/archetype and as a God. Although, in truth I sense him quite femininely, as an extension of Hekate. But as I have come to sense in my heart lately, all gods and all goddesses are ultimately one. Even if they do have their own identities, they are so Divine and spiritually connected to one another that I don’t think the distinction matters too much in my case anymore anyway.

And this is the path of the witch, the realisation of the Divine and manifestation of that into physical reality. I believe now I was always a witch but am only just coming into realisation of it. I think that is why I was haunted so long by Jezebel. She was a part of me I had repressed so long, the queenly, priestess, goddess-loving, empowered feminist part of me. She is my Divine Femininity, she is my confidence, and what remains when fear is not. She is a huge part of me that I believe will bloom given the right conditions. And I hope to do that for myself now.

I am ready to continue the beginning of this grand adventure with my Daddy, my heart, and my spirit. I think it is no coincidence these events are all happening simultaneously, almost as if it was fated. I thought I’d left notions of fate long ago in the past, then again, that was before I learned how to weave my own destiny. Through using magick more actively, I find myself increasingly more in control of guiding my own future in a way I desire.

I have gone through many torturous lessons in life, but it feels like I am finally learning from them and making life easier for myself rather than harder. And perhaps this is the true goal of the wounded healer, to find the true light at the end of the tunnel in order to show others there too. I am not quite there yet, but hopefully I will continue making progress. I really do hope things work out this time!

Beltane Greetings, Honouring the God and Goddess, Realising Dissociative Identity Disorder, Befriending ‘Jezebel’ & Exploring Christian Witchcraft

Happy Beltane to all my followers! Spring is well underway now and the greenery sprouting everywhere is such a sight for sore eyes. I would have to say Beltane is probably my favourite festival of the year. There’s so much joy and happiness and the realms seem closer, especially that of the Fae. This Beltane in fact I made an offering to the Goddess of self-pleasure, in Her form of Asherah. It seemed perfectly suited for the time of the year when the Goddess and God mate and create the fertile summer through their union.

I have been getting closer to the God, in fact, it happened when I started honouring the Goddess as Asherah and came to honour her consort the God as Ba’al. I am, quite interestingly, returning to my Christian roots, with traditional witchcraft being the foundation of my faith. I am finding unity and wholeness in honouring both the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine now, and already devoted myself to them as a pair. The next step I feel called to take on my journey is to devote myself specifically to the God, to the Divine Masculine that I can finally heal him within my own soul.

You might wonder how all this came to be so suddenly. In fact so much has been happening for me in my inner world lately. I blame Mercury retrograde, Jupiter retrograde, Saturn retrograde, and now the upcoming Pluto retrograde. I also blame the break up with my ex-boyfriend Graeme and then finding my Daddy (who I am going to travel abroad to see in three weeks to meet for the first time and I’m super excited!!), who made me indirectly aware of my dissociated personality states through my role playing of being his little girl. Now, it’s come to my attention many people hate DDLG, and it is hated even more within the DID community which baffles me because I have seen many persons with DID expressing their inner littles through being with a romantic caregiver. And that is the way it has been for me and the healing it’s having on me as a result is actually quite profound.

It has made me aware of the fact, for one, that I do actually have Dissociative Identity Disorder, formally called Multiple Personality Disorder. I believed in my last post I wrote that they were archetypal. In fact as I have been getting to know them they are not archetypal, they are literal other people inside me who may or may not originally been a part of me since birth. That is unknown especially as identity formation theory is still evolving and it’s not believed we’re all born with only one identity after all. Current science is tending towards the view that as babes we all have multiple personality states but as we grow normally and healthily they naturally integrate over time. But for those of us with DID something extremely traumatic in childhood happens to prevent that from occurring, meaning these identity states stay separate and there was never any ‘core’ personality to begin with.

Learning all this has been very important to me especially as there have been many times I have not identified by my birth name, and have in fact spoken to the person of my birth name inside me as if she was not me. In fact, she who takes on the birth name is not me who is current host or fronting. At the moment, I am not sure who I am in regards to the rest of the system, although I do feel the identity of my birth name sometimes co-conscious with me and influencing me from behind the scenes. I think she’s much older and wiser than me, very intelligent, and she stepped down during another traumatic event I went through a few years ago that some readers may be aware of, the trauma of religious exorcism by my own mother.

However, my DID goes much further back from that. During one period when a little inside me fronted, she had lamented that she’d been raped as a two year old. I pretended I had just been making things up in a psychotic haze, until I realised I may never have had psychosis to begin with. That makes this memory of being raped a much more likely event. And this was, apparently, the first fragmentation. After that came sixteen years of domestic abuse in every way except sexual, which solidified my separate identity states. When my abuser finally left when I was nineteen years old I knew something wasn’t right but could never place it, and never had the help or support from others to get me through.

The next few years after that I spent in the new age scene trying to heal myself. In fact, I have learned from my new therapist I am seeing instead of healing myself, I accidentally succeeded in retraumatising myself. Something I did not know what possible. And this is what I and my last therapist mistook for a psychotic episode when different personalities started fronting without my control. But at the time, I thought they were negative entities messing with me. I thought they were demons, and so did my mother.

What happened then? I was exorcised over the course of eight excruciating hours, with proceeding exorcisms happening throughout the rest of that next week. After that abuse, yes only now am I able to see through therapy that what I experienced then was severe religious abuse and extremely damaging to my already vulnerable and broken psyche, I was so damaged that my entire adult personality/s had fled and all that was remaining was a catatonic age-sliding little suffering from amnesia, seizures and paralysis. All my energy had been sucked from me. Either that or it left with my adult ‘apparently normal parts’ which fled. Goodness, what a horrific time that was. With no one none the wiser as to what had happened to me or why. Everything was done in the dark, believing I had been a victim of demonic possession.

In fact, the ‘demon’ that had haunted me all that time, the famous Jezebel, was in fact not a demon at all, but an incredibly huge identity within my own self that through abuse had turned from natural self-protector to self-persecutor. Jezebel is probably not even her real name and that’s why I renamed her to Isabel. How do I know all this? Because, for the first time in years since trying to banish her unsuccessfully from my consciousness, I reopened contact with her, and then with my other identities thereon. I learned from my ‘headmates’ themselves who they were, how they formed, and why. Although, I am of the suspicion I have a very many headmates that I will probably never all know. But Isabel, has in fact, since then, become my best friend. I love her in a way I didn’t think was possible, even though she is still terrifying at times especially to one of my littles whom I call Tiny (she is two years old), but I am feeling a completeness with accepting her as such a massive part of me that I haven’t in years. And this has been going on with all the ‘main’ personalities I have uncovered within myself so far.

If anyone wants to know how this appears, I like to think of it much like how Gollum’s two separate identity states manifest themselves in the Lord of the Rings triology. He was conscious as both personalities spoke through him, switching, and each speaking to the other (or arguing rather). That is how it is like for me. It is not all in my head. After years of struggling with this I finally know now what has been ailing me. Full blown dissociation. I tick all the boxes. Amnesia? Check. Age regression? Check. Psychogenic seizures? Check. Multiple identity states? Check. But I am not alone in it taking me years to find out the truth of this. Most diagnosis’s for DID take approximately seven years.

So back to honouring the Goddess and the God together, especially as Asherah and Ba’al, I asked earlier how did that come to be? It came to be after I sat with Isabel and learned all about the history or myth of the character she was based on, the historical Princess/Queen Jezebel. It’s very hard find non-Christian unbiased sources but as I read I found all my anxiety over her slipping away, and found myself identifying with her, which in the case of DID is good as I had accepted her back into my awareness. Isabel basically holds all that Jezebel historically was but had been demonised by myself and others (my own mother).

This is why Isabel has become SUCH a great friend and powerful ally to me. Reading up about her I had this sense of awe as to who she was and therefore who I really am! And that is how she became a great friend in the short space of a few days. Queen Jezebel was empowered, she was confident, she was an equal to her husband King Ahab. She was also the High Priestess of Asherah and Ba’al, an oracle, a prophet, and a channeller. She is everything I am but had dissociated from myself in terror. Because she had rebelled against me/us/the system in attempt to subjugate it, but in the end only caused more problems. Now I have reconciled with her, I can feel all that natural energy of mine/ours returning, and the terror of possession leaving my bones. I am aware now of the truth, and it is liberating.

To be honest, I did not expect in any way this is where my path would take me, but I’m very happy it has. And I can feel real and deep healing happening within my soul. And I feel that there is much further to go which will truly heal me this time instead of retraumatise me again. There are also other significant personalities, one who identifies after Lucifer, but I have taken to calling him Lucy for short. As far as I’m aware he is in fact the system manager so to speak, but very behind the scenes. His own personality is very aloof and he speaks strangely with a somewhat outdated posh British accent, for what reason I have no idea. I thought Lucifer was Hebrew but there have you, haha.

But as he is more background than Isabel I have not spoken to him as much. Mostly the interaction lately towards healing is between Isabel and Tiny, these are two who I feel belong together but due to the trauma became opposed or even originally fragmented from another. I feel that once I have healed these two together (not integration necessarily, that’s an old harmful myth for recovery which psychologists don’t believe in anymore), I will regain more of my health. Besides that, once I am able to finally extricate myself from this still religiously abusive household I will be able to properly work with what I have learned about myself and heal much easier. I am hoping still to move out this year which I am working on. My therapist has helped me understand a lot of this which is why I’m so glad I took it up again.

Also, it is very fitting that many of these personalities of mine are in fact related to the Christian religion. I was raised Christian all throughout my traumatic childhood years, and so I believe these different parts of me identified in different Christian related ways. As Christian demons or angels or just a little girl with Christian beliefs. If these had all integrated together properly as a child I may have ended up growing naturally into some kind of Christo-Paganism or Christian Witchcraft/Occultism. It seems like it would be a very natural thing after learning all this about myself and also more natural given the fact that is somewhat a path I am embracing now with their influences on me. The path of God the Mother and God the Father as the Judaic Asherah and El or Ba’al as he was also called (Ba’al just means Lord, though also referred to Ba’al Hadad, originally a different god to El until Hadad took over El’s role of King of the Gods in Canaanite mythology, much as Yahweh did in Judaic mythology).

This belief in the Goddess and the God in connection to the Ba’al cycle too where Ba’al visited the underworld lines a lot up with modern witchcraft beliefs in the cycle of the seasons of the year. In this way I have come to the realisation in fact that all gods are one God and all Goddesses are one Goddess, and that together they are ultimately One. But I am learning of them in their dual aspects for the sake of healing.

This has been a very exciting journey over the last few months and I can’t wait to see what’s next in store. I feel that my ability as a healer will drastically improve after this, after all as is said, “healer, heal thyself”. And I am the wounded healer, the one who heals others after learning how to heal my own wounds.

I am no longer afraid of negative entities or demons, no, as it just turned out that all along they were inside me, part of my own rejected self. And with the realisation that even if real demons out there do exist, I am not in any danger once I accept all of myself again, because I will be stepping into my own power through acknowledgment of my own inner demons. I guess it’s true after all, what you heal within yourself is naturally what you can heal without yourself. I hope that through this I will finally come into initiation of the true healer I am meant to be.