Happy Beltane to all my followers! Spring is well underway now and the greenery sprouting everywhere is such a sight for sore eyes. I would have to say Beltane is probably my favourite festival of the year. There’s so much joy and happiness and the realms seem closer, especially that of the Fae. This Beltane in fact I made an offering to the Goddess of self-pleasure, in Her form of Asherah. It seemed perfectly suited for the time of the year when the Goddess and God mate and create the fertile summer through their union.
I have been getting closer to the God, in fact, it happened when I started honouring the Goddess as Asherah and came to honour her consort the God as Ba’al. I am, quite interestingly, returning to my Christian roots, with traditional witchcraft being the foundation of my faith. I am finding unity and wholeness in honouring both the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine now, and already devoted myself to them as a pair. The next step I feel called to take on my journey is to devote myself specifically to the God, to the Divine Masculine that I can finally heal him within my own soul.
You might wonder how all this came to be so suddenly. In fact so much has been happening for me in my inner world lately. I blame Mercury retrograde, Jupiter retrograde, Saturn retrograde, and now the upcoming Pluto retrograde. I also blame the break up with my ex-boyfriend Graeme and then finding my Daddy (who I am going to travel abroad to see in three weeks to meet for the first time and I’m super excited!!), who made me indirectly aware of my dissociated personality states through my role playing of being his little girl. Now, it’s come to my attention many people hate DDLG, and it is hated even more within the DID community which baffles me because I have seen many persons with DID expressing their inner littles through being with a romantic caregiver. And that is the way it has been for me and the healing it’s having on me as a result is actually quite profound.
It has made me aware of the fact, for one, that I do actually have Dissociative Identity Disorder, formally called Multiple Personality Disorder. I believed in my last post I wrote that they were archetypal. In fact as I have been getting to know them they are not archetypal, they are literal other people inside me who may or may not originally been a part of me since birth. That is unknown especially as identity formation theory is still evolving and it’s not believed we’re all born with only one identity after all. Current science is tending towards the view that as babes we all have multiple personality states but as we grow normally and healthily they naturally integrate over time. But for those of us with DID something extremely traumatic in childhood happens to prevent that from occurring, meaning these identity states stay separate and there was never any ‘core’ personality to begin with.
Learning all this has been very important to me especially as there have been many times I have not identified by my birth name, and have in fact spoken to the person of my birth name inside me as if she was not me. In fact, she who takes on the birth name is not me who is current host or fronting. At the moment, I am not sure who I am in regards to the rest of the system, although I do feel the identity of my birth name sometimes co-conscious with me and influencing me from behind the scenes. I think she’s much older and wiser than me, very intelligent, and she stepped down during another traumatic event I went through a few years ago that some readers may be aware of, the trauma of religious exorcism by my own mother.
However, my DID goes much further back from that. During one period when a little inside me fronted, she had lamented that she’d been raped as a two year old. I pretended I had just been making things up in a psychotic haze, until I realised I may never have had psychosis to begin with. That makes this memory of being raped a much more likely event. And this was, apparently, the first fragmentation. After that came sixteen years of domestic abuse in every way except sexual, which solidified my separate identity states. When my abuser finally left when I was nineteen years old I knew something wasn’t right but could never place it, and never had the help or support from others to get me through.
The next few years after that I spent in the new age scene trying to heal myself. In fact, I have learned from my new therapist I am seeing instead of healing myself, I accidentally succeeded in retraumatising myself. Something I did not know what possible. And this is what I and my last therapist mistook for a psychotic episode when different personalities started fronting without my control. But at the time, I thought they were negative entities messing with me. I thought they were demons, and so did my mother.
What happened then? I was exorcised over the course of eight excruciating hours, with proceeding exorcisms happening throughout the rest of that next week. After that abuse, yes only now am I able to see through therapy that what I experienced then was severe religious abuse and extremely damaging to my already vulnerable and broken psyche, I was so damaged that my entire adult personality/s had fled and all that was remaining was a catatonic age-sliding little suffering from amnesia, seizures and paralysis. All my energy had been sucked from me. Either that or it left with my adult ‘apparently normal parts’ which fled. Goodness, what a horrific time that was. With no one none the wiser as to what had happened to me or why. Everything was done in the dark, believing I had been a victim of demonic possession.
In fact, the ‘demon’ that had haunted me all that time, the famous Jezebel, was in fact not a demon at all, but an incredibly huge identity within my own self that through abuse had turned from natural self-protector to self-persecutor. Jezebel is probably not even her real name and that’s why I renamed her to Isabel. How do I know all this? Because, for the first time in years since trying to banish her unsuccessfully from my consciousness, I reopened contact with her, and then with my other identities thereon. I learned from my ‘headmates’ themselves who they were, how they formed, and why. Although, I am of the suspicion I have a very many headmates that I will probably never all know. But Isabel, has in fact, since then, become my best friend. I love her in a way I didn’t think was possible, even though she is still terrifying at times especially to one of my littles whom I call Tiny (she is two years old), but I am feeling a completeness with accepting her as such a massive part of me that I haven’t in years. And this has been going on with all the ‘main’ personalities I have uncovered within myself so far.
If anyone wants to know how this appears, I like to think of it much like how Gollum’s two separate identity states manifest themselves in the Lord of the Rings triology. He was conscious as both personalities spoke through him, switching, and each speaking to the other (or arguing rather). That is how it is like for me. It is not all in my head. After years of struggling with this I finally know now what has been ailing me. Full blown dissociation. I tick all the boxes. Amnesia? Check. Age regression? Check. Psychogenic seizures? Check. Multiple identity states? Check. But I am not alone in it taking me years to find out the truth of this. Most diagnosis’s for DID take approximately seven years.
So back to honouring the Goddess and the God together, especially as Asherah and Ba’al, I asked earlier how did that come to be? It came to be after I sat with Isabel and learned all about the history or myth of the character she was based on, the historical Princess/Queen Jezebel. It’s very hard find non-Christian unbiased sources but as I read I found all my anxiety over her slipping away, and found myself identifying with her, which in the case of DID is good as I had accepted her back into my awareness. Isabel basically holds all that Jezebel historically was but had been demonised by myself and others (my own mother).
This is why Isabel has become SUCH a great friend and powerful ally to me. Reading up about her I had this sense of awe as to who she was and therefore who I really am! And that is how she became a great friend in the short space of a few days. Queen Jezebel was empowered, she was confident, she was an equal to her husband King Ahab. She was also the High Priestess of Asherah and Ba’al, an oracle, a prophet, and a channeller. She is everything I am but had dissociated from myself in terror. Because she had rebelled against me/us/the system in attempt to subjugate it, but in the end only caused more problems. Now I have reconciled with her, I can feel all that natural energy of mine/ours returning, and the terror of possession leaving my bones. I am aware now of the truth, and it is liberating.
To be honest, I did not expect in any way this is where my path would take me, but I’m very happy it has. And I can feel real and deep healing happening within my soul. And I feel that there is much further to go which will truly heal me this time instead of retraumatise me again. There are also other significant personalities, one who identifies after Lucifer, but I have taken to calling him Lucy for short. As far as I’m aware he is in fact the system manager so to speak, but very behind the scenes. His own personality is very aloof and he speaks strangely with a somewhat outdated posh British accent, for what reason I have no idea. I thought Lucifer was Hebrew but there have you, haha.
But as he is more background than Isabel I have not spoken to him as much. Mostly the interaction lately towards healing is between Isabel and Tiny, these are two who I feel belong together but due to the trauma became opposed or even originally fragmented from another. I feel that once I have healed these two together (not integration necessarily, that’s an old harmful myth for recovery which psychologists don’t believe in anymore), I will regain more of my health. Besides that, once I am able to finally extricate myself from this still religiously abusive household I will be able to properly work with what I have learned about myself and heal much easier. I am hoping still to move out this year which I am working on. My therapist has helped me understand a lot of this which is why I’m so glad I took it up again.
Also, it is very fitting that many of these personalities of mine are in fact related to the Christian religion. I was raised Christian all throughout my traumatic childhood years, and so I believe these different parts of me identified in different Christian related ways. As Christian demons or angels or just a little girl with Christian beliefs. If these had all integrated together properly as a child I may have ended up growing naturally into some kind of Christo-Paganism or Christian Witchcraft/Occultism. It seems like it would be a very natural thing after learning all this about myself and also more natural given the fact that is somewhat a path I am embracing now with their influences on me. The path of God the Mother and God the Father as the Judaic Asherah and El or Ba’al as he was also called (Ba’al just means Lord, though also referred to Ba’al Hadad, originally a different god to El until Hadad took over El’s role of King of the Gods in Canaanite mythology, much as Yahweh did in Judaic mythology).
This belief in the Goddess and the God in connection to the Ba’al cycle too where Ba’al visited the underworld lines a lot up with modern witchcraft beliefs in the cycle of the seasons of the year. In this way I have come to the realisation in fact that all gods are one God and all Goddesses are one Goddess, and that together they are ultimately One. But I am learning of them in their dual aspects for the sake of healing.
This has been a very exciting journey over the last few months and I can’t wait to see what’s next in store. I feel that my ability as a healer will drastically improve after this, after all as is said, “healer, heal thyself”. And I am the wounded healer, the one who heals others after learning how to heal my own wounds.
I am no longer afraid of negative entities or demons, no, as it just turned out that all along they were inside me, part of my own rejected self. And with the realisation that even if real demons out there do exist, I am not in any danger once I accept all of myself again, because I will be stepping into my own power through acknowledgment of my own inner demons. I guess it’s true after all, what you heal within yourself is naturally what you can heal without yourself. I hope that through this I will finally come into initiation of the true healer I am meant to be.