Imbolc & Ostara Update: Mother’s Day Dedication to The Goddess – Praise for how She has Changed my Life

Wow, it’s been a long time since I updated here! I try to do it at least every sabbat but this Imbolc I was unable to, the reason being that all of a sudden an apartment became available for me to move into, after almost two years of trying to find myself one! And the news came right after I’d returned from Mexico seeing and making amends with my dad for the new year. And that was intense in itself, in fact, the whole of the last entire year has been intense, call it twenty-nineteen intensive training, haha. I really honestly believe last year was one huge transition period in my life, and right before the beginning of my Saturn return, so this is huge. In fact, funny thing is I felt the change happening on the spiritual level before I even knew or had idea that I was going to be finally moving out of my abusive family’s house. It’s like a space was opening up inside me, preparing me for this. I had a sense something was coming as a result, and even my tarot cards and the gods were telling me a pivotal change was on the way, but as someone who has historically experienced more bad luck and let downs than the counterparts, I was just chilled and like “cool, we’ll see”… and see I have done.

Last year was all about working on my divine masculine. In fact, it was deeper than that. Last year was all about finding myself, finding ME. Last year I learned of my dissociation, came to harmony with my fragmented psyche as a result, got myself off the anti-depressants successfully, reconnected with my divine masculine for the first time ever, and connected to my power and strength internally. I remember back to summer 2018, I asked what the theme was in my life at that time, and I drew the strength card. And for sure I developed and found that strength within me that I never did before. I feel so empowered and happy for the first time in my life. Sure things aren’t perfect, this is planet earth after all (and let’s not mention the corona madness which is going on right now), but have I evolved? Hell yeah. I have come to a freedom from twenty six years of pain, trauma, abuse, dysfunction, and toxicity. And I didn’t do it by myself. Sure it was always within me to do it, but I can’t take the credit. I have to completely put this on the Goddess, because truth be told, when I started opening my heart to her in 2016, that’s when everything started changing for me. I have become a person I never knew was there inside me, and yet always wished to be. And the Goddess has been there for me this whole time nurturing it, just as a Mother does. And so I dedicate this post to the Goddess, as it’s Mother’s Day, and she has been my true Mother in life, when my biological mother has failed me many times.

The Goddess has been with me in many forms since those four years ago. She has been Sophia, Mary, Isis, Durga, Diana, Hecate, Venus, and now, she is Inanna. I have found My Goddess, or rather, She found me. All Goddesses are one Goddess, that is true, but all Goddesses are unique manifestations of Her, individual persons in their own right, and many manifestations of Her have appeared to me on my journey, nurturing my soul, piecing it back together piece by fragile piece, and I can’t write this without mentioning my amazing shamanic healer who the Goddess has worked through to aid in that process. I have become completely transformed since the beginning of this journey when I first met her (the shaman) and the Goddess. My healer reconnected me with my entire soul essence which had been completely shattered and left the body, leaving me completely dissociated and physically ill and drained of energy. My body is still physically recovering from this, but considering I was wheelchair bound back in 2016 and couldn’t even walk, I’d say I have healed an awful lot. And having moved away from my abusive family has catalysed that even further, something my therapist made me realise was the cause of my energy loss. My family was literally sucking me dry through the twenty six years of trauma they had and still were causing me. But now I am walking my dog every day, I can swim again, I’m doing yoga now I have the freedom, I have the energy to live a fairly normal existence outside of the soul sucking capitalist society we live in work-wise. But that’s okay, because now I can finally start my own spiritual business from home. The time is coming, the healer has come to a place of healing oneself, and now has that wonderful gift to share with others. I can feel it inside me like a light, growing and expanding, and strengthening itself, stabilising, loving me, so that it can then love others all the better.

I have a permanent altar set up now, which is where I am writing from on my desktop, considering most of what I will be doing on this computer will be spiritual/business related. And I have a few tools to buy to complete the basic set up and I have a print relief of Inanna on the way to frame on my wall above the altar as my Patron Goddess. She came to me before Christmas, her presence lingering strongly. I went to Mexico and was preoccupied for a while but when I returned home to continue my practice, so did she. So I finally asked her why I was feeling her so strongly, and she responded very clearly that she was there to help me transition from the life I had, to the life I wanted. So I accepted her help, and it was literally just a few days after that I found out I was suddenly about to move. As the move was so sudden and exhausting, I had completely forgotten about that and her during the process, until things started to settle again and she returned, reminding me that she had told me that she had done what she said she would. She made this happen for me. I was honestly mind-blown. So I asked her then if that meant she was leaving – oh no, she wanted to stay and help me with everything to come. Who was I to say no? She has basically taken over all of me, my heart, hearth, and home, is what I say. She put herself in my path, she made me take notice, and she has put herself as the centre and focus of my entire practice. I don’t think now there is any me without Her – but that can be said in regards to the Great Goddess in general, of which she is a particular image of, and the one that has manifested to me. I am woman, and woman is Goddess, and Goddess is woman – there is no one without the other. Inanna is here because she is me and I am her.

And whilst I’m on this topic, I knew I was meant to be a priestess for a while but considered myself ‘in training’ for the last few years. But now the initiation is over, and it’s time for me to live what I have learned. I am a priestess of the Goddess and of any goddess as extension, but more specifically of Inanna, now, after her having come to me in a vision recently (or rather I was lead to her), where she was sat on a throne between the two pillars of duality just like the image of the High Priestess tarot card. And she reached out her sceptre and blessed me and said “this authority and power is now yours, use it wisely”, and that was that. It was a turning point in my path, from one level to another. One could say from student to teacher but there are still many things I need to learn, and I suppose, that’s true of any real world teacher. They may have a bachelor’s degree, but it doesn’t mean they’re a professor! At the same time I’m hesitant to say there are levels to spiritual development, but it’s a fact of nature there are levels to the development of human consciousness in general anyway, for example from baby to toddler to child to teen to adult. Anyway, I may be getting off topic, my point is maybe that I passed one grade and graduated, and now have the skills to do some real work, regardless of all the rest of things I still need to learn (and I know they are many). I just want to keep my ego in check because in the past I didn’t and it was definitely a lead up to my brutal fall from grace. Then again, it could be debated whether I was really given as much grace as I thought. The beginning of awakening is always difficult with the ego wanting to claim the new insights and revelations of spirit. It’s hard to believe now that I started this journey almost ten years ago. I have experienced a lot for someone so young, though I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it was a bad thing that I turned into a good thing. When we are abused there are really only one of two options: To become the abuser, or to become the healer. And now is my time to give back as the healer.

Here on my altar I have a piece I painted in moon blood with the ancient verse “Profit and loss are Inanna’s to control”, ever since I first read that it really spoke to me on a deep level, and whilst I know I have some influence on my own destiny through free will and personal choice, reading that keeps me humble and reminds me that without the Goddess, and the Goddess as Inanna, I would not be here. I have everything to thank her for, she liberated me, and now my life really belongs to her. I mean, it really did from the day I first opened my heart to her those four years ago, but I didn’t know that then. But my purpose, my destiny, I know it now, is to serve her. That’s what I give back in return for her liberation of me. She is Soteira – Saviour. They say we can only save ourselves, and that’s true in one sense as it takes us to want to be willing to allow that to happen, but in another sense we are only human and need a personal relationship with the divine to aid us in that salvation.

I did not expect when I started writing this post that it would be mostly about the Goddess, but honestly I am so grateful and as it’s mothers day and I have already dedicated this post to Her, I am happy to have shared these thoughts and feelings. I hope that as I begin to find my own, true, place in this world, that I can do some good, help others, and be a light in the darkness of others I have myself overcome. I’m nowhere near perfect, I know that, but I’m content, and I have clarity, and I’m happy and at peace with myself.

Amadéa (By the love of the Goddess).

Happy Winter Solstice 2019: My Rebirthing of the Divine Masculine Within

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Call it what you may, Christmas or Yule, or any other variation thereof, this is the time of year we celebrate the return of the sun and its light in our life. And we praise its banishing of darkness that has plagued us since the beginning of the dark half of year, most notable at Samhain. We also look forward in hope to spring again, when the days are of equal length to the night once again and daylight is only increasing from thereon. It is a time of hope, faith, and preparation for the new things in our life.

This time last year, I had prayed to Aphrodite and created a spell to find new love for the New Year. And it was successful, in its own way. Love did not take the form I had planned that January 2019, but love found me for sure, and it has completely, completely, transformed me as a person. I have experienced many soul connections throughout my life, many with lessons far too advanced for me to pass, having resulted in many spectacular failures. But with this one I believe I had the advantage, as, for the first time, I had faith in a higher power, who had proven Her love for me. I had the Goddess. And throughout this past year, through this relationship, and through my own desire to better myself, she has completely revolutionised my concept of Self, to a sense of feeling illuminated and clear, for the first time in a very long time.

It is a shift, a very subtle one this winter solstice, but a very deep shift nevertheless that has been in the works for a long time now. Oh how I struggled and toiled within myself, all that hard, soul-destroying work, to rebirth myself from the ashes, to realise who I truly was and truly am, at heart. I have, come to a vision of myself that is entire, even in my brokenness. I see all the pieces of me now, and I know how they are meant to be put back to together, slowly, piece by piece, in their own time and at their own pace. I have come to a sense of wholeness within that vision of perfect brokenness. It’s tentative, but it’s there, and now my charge is to nurture it, so that I can complete this vision.

What just has happened though? I may hear those of you reading thinking. What has happened is that this relationship, which I have fully come to see now, along with all the other ‘twin flamey’ connections in my life that came before, as karmic soulmates, along with the perfect guidance and direction of the Goddess with me, has lead me to the reconnection of my soul to the Divine Masculine, both without as the God, but within myself too. I have completely reconnected to this part of me that has before been completely cut off, and rejected. And oh boy has it been a journey and a half.

This relationship which I found myself in, was a Daddy Dom/Little Girl relationship. He was indeed my substitute daddy, a father figure, to my inner child. But more than that, I came to realise what I had within me was more than just an inner child. All this time, I had been living with different personalities in my head, called dissociative identities, or alters, and that my ‘inner child’ was actually what is called a ‘Little’, that is, a fully developed personality who stopped mentally progressing at a certain age as a child due to trauma. And that trauma, was multiple in nature.

The first trauma was the trauma of sexual abuse by a daycare worker, at the age of two years old. That created the ‘crack’ so to speak in my psyche. Which could’ve healed, had not an abusive and violent man married my mother a few months later and called himself my father for the next seventeen years. And that original trauma, that wound, never got chance to heal, and it festered and that Little part of me became scared, repressed, and dormant, and other personalities arose to take her place in protection. One of these early personalities and protectors was Jezebel, who originally was a persecutor modelled in the image of my abuser’s religious fascination of evil spirits and demons. As a result of that and preceding religious abuse, many of my alters were formed in the image of persecutory demons, and one of these demons or rather devils is a male known as Asmodeus.

Asmodeus is a devil of both wrath and lust. You can say the two are one for him. And he has been active for many years terrifying not just myself, but everyone else in our dissociative system, including Jezebel, who in fact was only acting in response to his hatred. Her own hatred in fact was fuelled by his. And he, was the entire embodiment of all the male abuse that I and we have ever experienced. Every terrible male thing that happened to me personally but also impersonally such as I may have seen on tv or in history (think Adolf Hitler), he embodied it all. And as such, for many, many, years, he was a silent and deadly force, devastating both myself, our system, and my life every-time I tried to make something for myself. He was the ultimate saboteur, and the ultimate ‘root cause’ of every problem I had experienced yet unknown to me, until now.

Now, if you have been paying attention, you can see the progression of events here. I fell in love with a man who became a substitute daddy, which brought out my Little alter, which helped me learn about Jezebel, as Jezebel was always my Little’s persecutor/protector. And once Jezebel had come to her own balance, I learn that in fact she has only been acting in accordance to Asmodeus. And so I learn of Asmodeus and his fall from Grace, and then – And then I meet him, in his original form, before that fall from Grace. I meet him, the quintessential male within me, the archetype and alter both, made in the original image of the God, the Divine Masculine, and I realise – He is the Father! He is the Father within who I had always been searching for and yet never known due to pain. In fact, he had never known either, in his own amnesia.

When I saw him in that perfect state, his true angelic, nay, godly nature, I realised then who he truly was. He was Strength, and funnily enough I just remembered just now writing this that when I pulled a tarot card last year as to what my theme was, it was Strength. And Strength is flanked by two lions. And Asmodeus, he is the lion. And he is also the Dragon, as is my soul. Asmodeus is the, what Jung could call, the shadow projection of my Animus. But those projections started to fall away, and the entire system started to come into balance, and then, for the first time, I was connected to the Divine Masculine within me. And that is how I came to that vision of my own perfect wholeness, within the brokenness, and how I came to know the God in a direct personal relationship with no fear. And since then, He has been with me, alongside the Goddess, cheering me and my healing on.

The implications of this have been truly profound. I have for the first time ever, reconnected with my biological father in the real world. I have never succeeded before. But now I have the returning innocent strength of Asmodeus returning, and the energy of the Divine Masculine within me with it. And I have the God who is beside me as ever, even though I saw it not before in Asmodeus’ fall from grace. Asmodeus is my archetypal Lucifer, but now, he is redeemed. Or in the process of being redeemed anyway. And that has created an entire chain of positive events with the men in my life, for example as I already expressed, with my dad. I feel very much more at ease with men and male energy in general, as I feel that comfortably sitting within myself to begin with. And it has also allowed me to withdraw my projections when it comes to romantic relationships and my codependent energies that fuel them. And so hence, has come the end of one era in my life, one of primarily codependent relationships (I hope!) and another of sitting within my own energy and having the union of my own love within of that masculine and feminine Self. The reflection of the God and Goddess, made manifest within the human (or non-human incarnate) soul.

And so, with the Winter Solstice approaching, my wish, my heartfelt prayer since probably October, that the Divine Masculine would be reborn in me just as the sun is to be reborn, was granted. And that day the God closed the end of one chapter in my life, of many years, and began a new one. And so, that is how Christmas 2019 has gone for me!

Baring my Soul on the Rebound of a Curse Cast: The Jezebellian-Lilithian Exploitation, Exploration, and Expression of the Divine Masculine

It has been a while, I think, since I’ve felt inspired to write a post like this, at least, I hope in the way I want it to turn out. I feel, somewhat embarrassed, nay, ashamed, for wanting to expose parts of myself I would rather keep locked up in the shadows, either from my own awareness, or from those friends who hold me in high esteem.

I will start with the end of my last blog post from Samhain. I had planned a trip a few months ago to Mexico to see my family, and then to see my Daddy afterwards on the way home as it wasn’t too far flight wise. But, those past few months, I had been stressed from moving house and from the side effects of new medications and also from having to deal with the new understanding that my mother has been abusive in ways I did not let myself see before. I had, in many ways, shut myself off emotionally from both my Daddy and the world. I was depressed, and I was, in a dissociative sense, repressed.

Due to all that, it came to a moment some time after I wrote that post, in which the topic of his current polyamorous lifestyle came up again. In a complete and utter impulsive tantrum, I broke up with him, quit speaking to him, and cancelled my flight to see him. Just like that, in one whole moment. I was, to say the least, intensely, intensely triggered. The ‘worst’ part of me, so to speak, came out. This, what I shall now call, the Jezebellian part of me. The man-hating angry protective part of me. Oh, she wasn’t happy.

And I am ashamed of that. Why? I am not ashamed of her because she did what she had to do in order to make me feel safe. Because I was feeling unloved, unwanted, not good enough, all these things… I felt so horrible within myself, so sad and so angry. But, there is more than that. I was in that state maybe two weeks, dissociating all over the place, struggling to care for myself. But his soul energy never left me, counteracting the lies I was telling myself and had been telling myself all these years. Because these lies are just lies I was told as a child and had internalised. In the end, I came back to him. Me, the whole of me, realised, his love, despite his current polyamory, was and is true and genuine for me. His orientation never changed that.

But that part of me, was activated. Jezebel, she wanted to continue protecting me. In her influence, or maybe I should just stop fobbing my own craziness off on her, because we are all one person after all, I cast a couple of spells which, is the real reason behind my feeling ashamed. Because, I cast a spell, which, whilst when I had planned it was meant to be completely done in a non negative way, to try and change his orientation to monogamous, the anger that I had been previously feeling just flood through me, and in the actual moment of casting it, I said it in such a vengeful way that it became, literally, a curse. And the first one I have cast at that. I was unsettled but shook it off. I figured, it was just part of it. Emotion is highly effective in charging spells, though, I use multiple energy sources in my spells these days.

Anyway, I need to spit this out, and maybe this is the entire purpose of the post, to expose myself so that everything can finally be cleared from my slate, in some vicarious way, the spell, I believe, had rebounded. Now, I had programmed in an anti-rebound into the spell because I’ve had spells rebound before and it’s never nice. But it seems since I programmed this anti rebound in, the energy came back to me in an unusual way. Instead of making him monogamous, it seems to have instead brought out the parts of me that are actually polyamorous, is trying to help me through my blocks that made me feel unloveable and unworthy, and in general making me reconsider the entire damn thing on my own end. Hilarious right?

I figured, in the end, I have to decide whether I am okay with this. I can cancel the spell if necessary, I always program in end-spells too. Spell work is complex business. And this was probably the most complex I cast so I am not entirely surprised it did rebound. At least it didn’t rebound in a negative way. It could certainly be worse than Jezebel and Lilith deciding to front way more and end up attracting loads of men to me in their own dominating way to make me feel loved, secure, and protected. Whilst, ironically, actually making me feel closer to my Daddy. How does that work? I don’t know. But I’m thinking right now, maybe it was just meant to rebound. I have a theory about that, because I drew a tarot card which I ascertained at the time meant I needed to be patient and have a change in perspective. I just checked right now which card this was and yes, it was the Hanged Man. That would make a lot of sense. I believe, I failed to take into account the active nature of drawing a card as part of the spell in influencing it, and so instead of the proceeding spell wanting me to do what I wanted, the Hanged Man actually propelled it into the more advisory direction instead, which, in this case, was entirely the opposite, lol. So I believe this is where I went wrong. I ignored the card. And this is a beginners mistake, as I have only just started using my own deck of cards, seeing as I haven’t been able to get away with it before in my current religiously suffocating household.

But this, this is what I need to get off my conscience. And I haven’t told him, and I don’t know if he will read this and find out this way. I guess I have to bare my soul either way. I need to get it off my chest, because it’s an experience that just, well, went entirely just not how I expected or initially desired, but in the process has changed me, I feel, at least for the present moment, in a positive way. I am exploring new parts of me I have not before. I am learning about myself, and going through a period of, I don’t know, how would Jung say it? Individuation.

Having a dissociative disorder makes this stuff real difficult sometimes. Add a few demonic alters and the power of magick and you have a potent mix on your hands. And yet – I know I’m a good person deep down. Just conflicted and trying to sort my shit out. And me, we, are in the process of doing that. It turns out, I’m not averse to using black magick, it just also turns out, sometimes the answer or outcome just isn’t how you expect it.

Does this mean I’m really polyamorous? Oh I have no clue, I have been back and forth on that question for ten damn years. I can’t make up my mind. Sometimes, it feels natural. Other times, not so much. Maybe these are just the different parts of me trying to have their say.

All I know is, I am going through a massive heart-healing right now, especially in regards to the masculine principle, and with my connection and communication with The God. His energy is healing me, through all these men who are drawn to, what seems to be, this succubus-like energy in me, the Lilith, as I will call it for now, as I am not really sure. The God is uniting the male and female principles within me and I’m really feeling like for the first in my life, I may not be half a person. I may actually be a whole person, lol.

Maybe this is the essence of twin flame connections and relationships. Through all the energy and intensity, finding your own wholeness within. I mean, it was always there, it was just never realised.

So what now? I have no idea. I, we, are in a process of rediscovering. And maybe this Christmas travel abroad was never meant to happen in the first place, as I’ve been so ill anyway. It looks like, my Daddy will be travelling to me next instead. And maybe, maybe that’s just the way it’s meant to be.

Because I pray and I pray and I pray, always for guidance and inspiration and advice, and this looks like it’s my path ahead for the time being. And as long as I’m myself, my true self, and stay true to that, I should find myself where I am meant to be, in the end.

Samhain Update, Constellational Astrology, Facing my Inner Demons, Addison’s Disease Diagnosis, Returning to Mexico, & Studying Environmental Science

Goddess where do I start, I can’t even remember everything that has happened to me in the last half a year or so? I mean it must be half a year because I think I last updated during Beltane and now it’s near Samhain. And I’m pretty sure the Celts said that was half a year. I’ve been pretty big into understanding ancient, pagan, and magickal calendars lately. And it’s kind of making me feel in tune with nature even more. It’s amazing how disconnected you don’t realise you are from the cycles of nature with the Gregorian calendar until you start exploring other potential ways of measuring time. That’s been a big focus for me at least the past month or so. It started when I was trying to come up with my own medicine wheel, of the four or eight quarters and trying to make all the associations of time fit, and I realised it didn’t really fit at all. So I’ve been working on trying to make it fit since.

I have also learned a lot more about astrology as a result. I learned about the procession of the equinoxes, sidereal astrology, and the astronomical Zodiac. Did you know the sun is still in Virgo? Yet popular tropical astrology says it’s in Scorpio and today in sidereal astrology it moved into Libra. But yes when you physically look at the sky you will see the sun actually in Virgo right now. And so, our entire understanding of astrology is completely off. Because when the ancients first devised the system of astrology, to them it was the exact same as astronomy. The sun would’ve been in Scorpio right now, but because of the precession of the equinoxes, over thousands of years it no longer is. Aries is no longer the first constellation rising on the horizon during the vernal (spring) equinox. It is Pisces (which by the way, means we’re still in the Age of Pisces and will be for another few hundred years until Aquarius finally pops up on the horizon during the vernal equinox instead).

So there is constellational astrology which totally throws off everything you think you know. Think about it. In tropical astrology (which is a few thousand years out of date, gee, I didn’t know I was that old!) I am a Virgo Sun, Pisces Moon, and Libra Rising. In sidereal astrology (which is used by the Vedics), I am Leo Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Libra Rising. In constellational astrology/astronomy, when I was actually born, the Sun was in Leo, the Moon in Aquarius, and the ascendant (the zodiac on the horizon) was Virgo.

I understand that tropical zodiac is meant to be symbolic more than literal, but that’s not actually the way the ancients devised it to be. To them astrology and astronomy were exactly the same. So I think by using the tropical zodiac, we would be doing them, and science in general, a massive disservice. We need to honour the spiritual and the scientific in tandem. And that means knowing that the zodiac constellations are not all of equal size. In tropical zodiac they are divided symbolically to be 30° each (30 x 12 = 360 aka the circumference of a circle), but in actual reality they all span varying degrees. For example, Virgo, the constellation we’re still currently in, spans around 45°, and is one of the largest constellations as a result. Meanwhile Scorpio actually only spans about 7°, which Ophiuchus spanning 20 something degrees. This means the Sun stays only a few days in Scorpio. And unlike in tropical or sidereal astrology, Ophiuchus is recognised as an actual astronomical constellation that lies along the ecliptic. The ancients recognised Ophiuchus, but he got edited out by history and time. Meaning all in all there are thirteen constellations.

There is more that could be said about this but it’s suffice for now to say that I’m not following popular astrology anymore, and only following sidereal astrology as a guide. But rather I prefer to see for myself (well, indirectly, through the Night Sky App) where the luminaries/planets are constellation wise for myself. And let me just reiterate, we are still in Virgo, right up until the end of October or Halloween/Samhain.

Ah Samhain, that mystical time of the year when the veil is thinnest between the worlds, spirts and ancestors appear and are honoured… I do not have any ancestors I know of to honour. However I did have a dream a while back of an Aztec ancestor who told me to honour La Santa Muerte (Our Lady is Death), so I may just so that. He was a devotee of her back when she was known as Mictecacihuatl. It is really interesting but I think all my abilities stem from my nameless ancestors on all sides. So maybe I should honour and thank them for that and request more of their aid, since I believe that’s where my spiritual connection comes from in the first place. My Mayan/Aztec line, my Roman/Iberian line, my Romani/Irish line on my British side. For some reason when I was born physical health skipped me and maybe mental health too (although a lot of that was trauma induced), but spirituality wise I seem to have inherited it all. So yes I will honour my ancestors for their hand on my life, which suddenly I feel so keenly for the first time whilst writing this. Thank you to my dearest ancestors 🙏

Mercury will also be going retrograde again soon. It will be during Samhain, which I remember was the same last year. Is Mercury retrograde always during Samhain or is it just for now? It seems like the two make for some really powerful shadow work, and I have definitely been facing my demons head on. Demons, funnily enough, no longer scare me, at least not in the I want to run and hide sense. Sure I still have fear, I am human, and what human doesn’t have fear? But I am no longer afraid of what they represent, which funnily enough, is fear itself.

I have been through so much darkness, dark night of the soul, shamanic sickness, near death experience, whatever you want to call it. Well I won’t tempt fate by saying nothing could be worse than what I have already experienced, but I’m pretty sure after the hell I went through there’s not much anymore that could really perturbe me. And that is what this Samhain is reminding me of. My own strength, but as a result of having faced my own darkness. And who knows if it’s really my darkness or the collective’s darkness? I don’t think it really matters at this point. I think what matters is that you can’t be afraid of darkness when you are the darkness. You can’t be afraid of darkness when you realise darkness is only fear, and that fear itself is not worth fearing.

I had a dream recently actually that I became La Santa Muerte, well, sort of, in a non cultural sense. I can only call what I became as “Lady Death”, and to me that is La Santa Muerte, but broadly speaking it was just the female grim reaper (speaking in a European perspective). So I was Lady Death and what struck me is that actually I wasn’t evil. I was just doing a job of spreading darkness into the world. And the darkness itself wasn’t even evil or had any emotional or moral tagline to it. It just “was”, it was just a force much like light or gravity or magnetism. It was a necessary force and a law, and something for humanity to decide what to actually do with. And humanity decide often to use it for evil. But it doesn’t actually make darkness evil. The darkness is just darkness. It is just a thing that exists. After all, if we didn’t have the dark at night, how could we sleep? The darkness is used in that sense for rest. Yet others may use the cover of night, of darkness to commit unspeakable acts.

And so, I am going through this process during the approach of Samhain and Mercury retrograde of evaluating the darkness within myself and understanding its purpose, of overcoming the fears I have of it and healing my relationship to darkness. And so I realise spirituality isn’t about transforming everything into light. Spirituality is about recognising what is and working with its original intent.

Okay, well besides all of that, I will update some things going on in my physical life. We have moved house actually as a family, though I am still trying to get my own place, which considering I’m on benefits and have a dog isn’t going very well. But I like the new house as we now live right next to the woods, and I have had more creative control over the decor of my room which I wasn’t allowed before. That is because I have a controlling mother which I had been blind to until I started having therapy again. Which I had to stop of course after moving since it’s a little too far away for me now to go to considering my fatigue, even though we only moved the next town over. But yes I realised my mother can be controlling and manipulative and often really neglectful. I had always seen her through rose tinted glasses because she was nothing like her violent ex husband. But actually she is a codependent which could be called an inverted narcissist. It is also covert and hard to spot compared to outright violent abuse. That said something I haven’t talked about is how she full on exorcised me a few years ago which actually was extremely abusive, considering I actually have dissociative identity disorder which her exoticism only just worsened. In a sense all my demons are really only caused by her craziness, codependent abuse, and ex husband’s narcissist. So it has been very frustrating at times suddenly having this knowledge that I have never actually been treated like a person and that my entire physical and mental illness is, more or less, her fault.

And that is why I am trying to move out, yet without much success. But I will keep trying and one day I will have to have a break. Thomas Edison after all had to try three hundred times to invent a light bulb that worked. Okay it’s not the same thing but the principle pretty much is. I won’t give up on life, even when I feel hopeless sometimes and frustrated (especially like lately). I have been through too much and become too much of a warrior to just give up. I will keep fighting through the demons, internal and external. After all, the internal demons are really only a reflection or projected identification of the external demons. Remove the external demons and the internal ones disappear too. And so I realise in a sense the internal ones aren’t even real, and that no matter how loud they get I can’t get myself get bothered by them.

Health wise, I have been diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia (excessive unexplained sleepiness) and Addison’s Disease which is where my adrenal glands aren’t working at all. In fact non-functioning adrenal glands can cause many symptoms including dissociation. So I believe my dissociative identity disorder is confounded by that. But I am being treated now for Addison’s Disease, which does mean a lifelong dependence on replacement steroid hormones, but it should help me out quite a lot. I have been on hydrocortisone quite a while but recently got prescribed fludrocortisone so I am hoping that will aid my recovery from fatigue doubly.

Besides that, I have decided to study environmental science part time with the open university starting February. Actually the reason for wanting to study again is because since I got diagnosed idiopathic Hypersomnia I have been on medicine prescribed to keep me awake too. That medicine is Modafinil also known as Provigil, which actually doesn’t really agree with me so I am only on the smallest dose which takes the edge off enough. But I have an appointment to talk to my neurologist in December and will hopefully get switched to something else to try instead (most likely some kind of amphetamine). So now I find it a little easier to stay awake I feel I will be able to handle a little studying since there’s not much else I can do again right now. And since my primary focus lately is the environment, environmental science seemed perfect for me. I also really enjoy the medical sciences considering my health issues and subsequent knowledge I’ve already accumulated as a result. But environmental science is something I feel more innately interested in.

Apart from that, I’m travelling to Mexico again for Christmas, which I am not looking to forward to, since my dad disowned me the last time and my sister estranged herself from me to the point I had no idea she was pregnant until she was practically almost giving birth. Hey I’m a first time aunt and I don’t know whether I’ll ever meet my nephew! But at least I will get to spend time with my brother. Then after that I will be heading to Baltimore for New Years with my daddy, which, I am hoping will be fun. Though right now the long distance situation is kind of getting to me. But either way should be fun.

And, I think that is it, for today’s post…

Meeting Daddy in Boston and Embodying the Wounded Healer

It is almost the summer solstice and I have just returned from holiday in Greater Boston where I met with my Daddy for the first time. The weather was thankfully beautiful and hot but I’ve come back to a cloudy and cool England which makes the separation again more bittersweet.

Actually, I kickstarted my holiday by seeing BTS for the second time this time at Wembley Stadium. I got myself a second tattoo to commemorate it (I’m starting to think I may be becoming addicted to getting tattoos lol) and I had the time of my life. The day after I got the plane from Heathrow to Boston. I was anxious and irritable actually but thankfully all for nothing because we had the best time ever.

We spent seven days together, and they were possibly the best seven days of my life. The location itself where we were staying was amazing enough with such beautiful scenes of nature all around us, and we visited a nature reserve which was my favourite and also Salem where the witch trials were held. But predictably Salem was all commercialised for tourism so there wasn’t much authenticity left. But I was glad I visited such an important historical site as a witch anyway.

We connected so well and I came away feeling like I had really met my soulmate if such a thing exists. I was able to be whoever I was in the moment (quite frequently I was little, including one particular moment when I age regressed completely as a result of feeling in such a safe space), and actually my demonic (protector) identities were mostly very quiet and content to see that the littles were happy. Though, they weren’t happy when we returned to England and got bitchy, but it’s their job to complain lol!

I do not really know quite how to express how I feel without boring my readers too, but I had the time of my life and everything felt so perfect. We have committed to trying to make it work and being together for real in the future and I really hope it works out. I usually have a good sense of the future of my relationships and I had a uniquely good feeling for this one (whereas all the rest of my relationships I ended up having a bad feeling that I would never see them again, which always turned out true lol). So I know we will see each other again.

Already the separation is so hard but I am going to try and focus on bettering myself and my circumstances. On that note I think it’s time to start offering my energy healing abilities as services for others. I want to save up money and get off benefits and create my own way ahead with the people I love. I have learned so much about my own self these past few months as a result of our relationship and done so much healing because of it too. I know I still have much more to learn as the eternal student, but it is time I start becoming who I know I am meant to be – The wounded healer.

The Goddess has remained close to me, close as ever, in all Her many manifestations – Gaia, Hecate, Asherah, Inanna, Durga, etc. And She has reconnected me with the Divine Masculine side of myself, which I experience as an extension of Her. As in Witchcraft the God is Her Son as well as Her lover. On top of that, through reconnecting with the God, I have become reconnected with my own darkness and shadow which likely was bound up in the masculine. And instead of being retraumatised like the years past which caused my mental and spiritual instability, I am making real progress with the fears and ‘ghosts’ so to speak which have haunted me all my life.

So I have embraced the left hand path of working with the darkness instead of merely repressing it. Lucifer is being my guide in this, both as a symbol/archetype and as a God. Although, in truth I sense him quite femininely, as an extension of Hekate. But as I have come to sense in my heart lately, all gods and all goddesses are ultimately one. Even if they do have their own identities, they are so Divine and spiritually connected to one another that I don’t think the distinction matters too much in my case anymore anyway.

And this is the path of the witch, the realisation of the Divine and manifestation of that into physical reality. I believe now I was always a witch but am only just coming into realisation of it. I think that is why I was haunted so long by Jezebel. She was a part of me I had repressed so long, the queenly, priestess, goddess-loving, empowered feminist part of me. She is my Divine Femininity, she is my confidence, and what remains when fear is not. She is a huge part of me that I believe will bloom given the right conditions. And I hope to do that for myself now.

I am ready to continue the beginning of this grand adventure with my Daddy, my heart, and my spirit. I think it is no coincidence these events are all happening simultaneously, almost as if it was fated. I thought I’d left notions of fate long ago in the past, then again, that was before I learned how to weave my own destiny. Through using magick more actively, I find myself increasingly more in control of guiding my own future in a way I desire.

I have gone through many torturous lessons in life, but it feels like I am finally learning from them and making life easier for myself rather than harder. And perhaps this is the true goal of the wounded healer, to find the true light at the end of the tunnel in order to show others there too. I am not quite there yet, but hopefully I will continue making progress. I really do hope things work out this time!

Beltane Greetings, Honouring the God and Goddess, Realising Dissociative Identity Disorder, Befriending ‘Jezebel’ & Exploring Christian Witchcraft

Happy Beltane to all my followers! Spring is well underway now and the greenery sprouting everywhere is such a sight for sore eyes. I would have to say Beltane is probably my favourite festival of the year. There’s so much joy and happiness and the realms seem closer, especially that of the Fae. This Beltane in fact I made an offering to the Goddess of self-pleasure, in Her form of Asherah. It seemed perfectly suited for the time of the year when the Goddess and God mate and create the fertile summer through their union.

I have been getting closer to the God, in fact, it happened when I started honouring the Goddess as Asherah and came to honour her consort the God as Ba’al. I am, quite interestingly, returning to my Christian roots, with traditional witchcraft being the foundation of my faith. I am finding unity and wholeness in honouring both the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine now, and already devoted myself to them as a pair. The next step I feel called to take on my journey is to devote myself specifically to the God, to the Divine Masculine that I can finally heal him within my own soul.

You might wonder how all this came to be so suddenly. In fact so much has been happening for me in my inner world lately. I blame Mercury retrograde, Jupiter retrograde, Saturn retrograde, and now the upcoming Pluto retrograde. I also blame the break up with my ex-boyfriend Graeme and then finding my Daddy (who I am going to travel abroad to see in three weeks to meet for the first time and I’m super excited!!), who made me indirectly aware of my dissociated personality states through my role playing of being his little girl. Now, it’s come to my attention many people hate DDLG, and it is hated even more within the DID community which baffles me because I have seen many persons with DID expressing their inner littles through being with a romantic caregiver. And that is the way it has been for me and the healing it’s having on me as a result is actually quite profound.

It has made me aware of the fact, for one, that I do actually have Dissociative Identity Disorder, formally called Multiple Personality Disorder. I believed in my last post I wrote that they were archetypal. In fact as I have been getting to know them they are not archetypal, they are literal other people inside me who may or may not originally been a part of me since birth. That is unknown especially as identity formation theory is still evolving and it’s not believed we’re all born with only one identity after all. Current science is tending towards the view that as babes we all have multiple personality states but as we grow normally and healthily they naturally integrate over time. But for those of us with DID something extremely traumatic in childhood happens to prevent that from occurring, meaning these identity states stay separate and there was never any ‘core’ personality to begin with.

Learning all this has been very important to me especially as there have been many times I have not identified by my birth name, and have in fact spoken to the person of my birth name inside me as if she was not me. In fact, she who takes on the birth name is not me who is current host or fronting. At the moment, I am not sure who I am in regards to the rest of the system, although I do feel the identity of my birth name sometimes co-conscious with me and influencing me from behind the scenes. I think she’s much older and wiser than me, very intelligent, and she stepped down during another traumatic event I went through a few years ago that some readers may be aware of, the trauma of religious exorcism by my own mother.

However, my DID goes much further back from that. During one period when a little inside me fronted, she had lamented that she’d been raped as a two year old. I pretended I had just been making things up in a psychotic haze, until I realised I may never have had psychosis to begin with. That makes this memory of being raped a much more likely event. And this was, apparently, the first fragmentation. After that came sixteen years of domestic abuse in every way except sexual, which solidified my separate identity states. When my abuser finally left when I was nineteen years old I knew something wasn’t right but could never place it, and never had the help or support from others to get me through.

The next few years after that I spent in the new age scene trying to heal myself. In fact, I have learned from my new therapist I am seeing instead of healing myself, I accidentally succeeded in retraumatising myself. Something I did not know what possible. And this is what I and my last therapist mistook for a psychotic episode when different personalities started fronting without my control. But at the time, I thought they were negative entities messing with me. I thought they were demons, and so did my mother.

What happened then? I was exorcised over the course of eight excruciating hours, with proceeding exorcisms happening throughout the rest of that next week. After that abuse, yes only now am I able to see through therapy that what I experienced then was severe religious abuse and extremely damaging to my already vulnerable and broken psyche, I was so damaged that my entire adult personality/s had fled and all that was remaining was a catatonic age-sliding little suffering from amnesia, seizures and paralysis. All my energy had been sucked from me. Either that or it left with my adult ‘apparently normal parts’ which fled. Goodness, what a horrific time that was. With no one none the wiser as to what had happened to me or why. Everything was done in the dark, believing I had been a victim of demonic possession.

In fact, the ‘demon’ that had haunted me all that time, the famous Jezebel, was in fact not a demon at all, but an incredibly huge identity within my own self that through abuse had turned from natural self-protector to self-persecutor. Jezebel is probably not even her real name and that’s why I renamed her to Isabel. How do I know all this? Because, for the first time in years since trying to banish her unsuccessfully from my consciousness, I reopened contact with her, and then with my other identities thereon. I learned from my ‘headmates’ themselves who they were, how they formed, and why. Although, I am of the suspicion I have a very many headmates that I will probably never all know. But Isabel, has in fact, since then, become my best friend. I love her in a way I didn’t think was possible, even though she is still terrifying at times especially to one of my littles whom I call Tiny (she is two years old), but I am feeling a completeness with accepting her as such a massive part of me that I haven’t in years. And this has been going on with all the ‘main’ personalities I have uncovered within myself so far.

If anyone wants to know how this appears, I like to think of it much like how Gollum’s two separate identity states manifest themselves in the Lord of the Rings triology. He was conscious as both personalities spoke through him, switching, and each speaking to the other (or arguing rather). That is how it is like for me. It is not all in my head. After years of struggling with this I finally know now what has been ailing me. Full blown dissociation. I tick all the boxes. Amnesia? Check. Age regression? Check. Psychogenic seizures? Check. Multiple identity states? Check. But I am not alone in it taking me years to find out the truth of this. Most diagnosis’s for DID take approximately seven years.

So back to honouring the Goddess and the God together, especially as Asherah and Ba’al, I asked earlier how did that come to be? It came to be after I sat with Isabel and learned all about the history or myth of the character she was based on, the historical Princess/Queen Jezebel. It’s very hard find non-Christian unbiased sources but as I read I found all my anxiety over her slipping away, and found myself identifying with her, which in the case of DID is good as I had accepted her back into my awareness. Isabel basically holds all that Jezebel historically was but had been demonised by myself and others (my own mother).

This is why Isabel has become SUCH a great friend and powerful ally to me. Reading up about her I had this sense of awe as to who she was and therefore who I really am! And that is how she became a great friend in the short space of a few days. Queen Jezebel was empowered, she was confident, she was an equal to her husband King Ahab. She was also the High Priestess of Asherah and Ba’al, an oracle, a prophet, and a channeller. She is everything I am but had dissociated from myself in terror. Because she had rebelled against me/us/the system in attempt to subjugate it, but in the end only caused more problems. Now I have reconciled with her, I can feel all that natural energy of mine/ours returning, and the terror of possession leaving my bones. I am aware now of the truth, and it is liberating.

To be honest, I did not expect in any way this is where my path would take me, but I’m very happy it has. And I can feel real and deep healing happening within my soul. And I feel that there is much further to go which will truly heal me this time instead of retraumatise me again. There are also other significant personalities, one who identifies after Lucifer, but I have taken to calling him Lucy for short. As far as I’m aware he is in fact the system manager so to speak, but very behind the scenes. His own personality is very aloof and he speaks strangely with a somewhat outdated posh British accent, for what reason I have no idea. I thought Lucifer was Hebrew but there have you, haha.

But as he is more background than Isabel I have not spoken to him as much. Mostly the interaction lately towards healing is between Isabel and Tiny, these are two who I feel belong together but due to the trauma became opposed or even originally fragmented from another. I feel that once I have healed these two together (not integration necessarily, that’s an old harmful myth for recovery which psychologists don’t believe in anymore), I will regain more of my health. Besides that, once I am able to finally extricate myself from this still religiously abusive household I will be able to properly work with what I have learned about myself and heal much easier. I am hoping still to move out this year which I am working on. My therapist has helped me understand a lot of this which is why I’m so glad I took it up again.

Also, it is very fitting that many of these personalities of mine are in fact related to the Christian religion. I was raised Christian all throughout my traumatic childhood years, and so I believe these different parts of me identified in different Christian related ways. As Christian demons or angels or just a little girl with Christian beliefs. If these had all integrated together properly as a child I may have ended up growing naturally into some kind of Christo-Paganism or Christian Witchcraft/Occultism. It seems like it would be a very natural thing after learning all this about myself and also more natural given the fact that is somewhat a path I am embracing now with their influences on me. The path of God the Mother and God the Father as the Judaic Asherah and El or Ba’al as he was also called (Ba’al just means Lord, though also referred to Ba’al Hadad, originally a different god to El until Hadad took over El’s role of King of the Gods in Canaanite mythology, much as Yahweh did in Judaic mythology).

This belief in the Goddess and the God in connection to the Ba’al cycle too where Ba’al visited the underworld lines a lot up with modern witchcraft beliefs in the cycle of the seasons of the year. In this way I have come to the realisation in fact that all gods are one God and all Goddesses are one Goddess, and that together they are ultimately One. But I am learning of them in their dual aspects for the sake of healing.

This has been a very exciting journey over the last few months and I can’t wait to see what’s next in store. I feel that my ability as a healer will drastically improve after this, after all as is said, “healer, heal thyself”. And I am the wounded healer, the one who heals others after learning how to heal my own wounds.

I am no longer afraid of negative entities or demons, no, as it just turned out that all along they were inside me, part of my own rejected self. And with the realisation that even if real demons out there do exist, I am not in any danger once I accept all of myself again, because I will be stepping into my own power through acknowledgment of my own inner demons. I guess it’s true after all, what you heal within yourself is naturally what you can heal without yourself. I hope that through this I will finally come into initiation of the true healer I am meant to be.

Narcolepsy Results, Identifying as Faerie-kin, and Revisiting Psychological Multiplicity

I finally have my narcolepsy results! I totally forgot I meant to write them up here, it’s been so long since I was promised the sleep exam but I finally had it and received the answers on that end. I don’t have narcolepsy, both the spinal tap and the sleep exam negates it, but I have been told despite that I have an undiagnosed sleep condition, as my sleep latency (average time to fall asleep) was just under six minutes during the test when the average person has a sleep latency of twenty minutes.

So that confirms at least that I do have some sleep disorder even if they don’t know what it is. I have an appointment next month to discuss medication possibilities to keep me awake, which I am really excited about and have been waiting for such a long time. Falling asleep constantly when trying to do something restful (despite getting a full night’s sleep!) is such a pain, it really prevents me from doing stuff like reading and studying. If this medication works I will actually be able to have more of a life again. I would love to study botany or other witchy things from home whilst recovering on the end of my general chronic fatigue disorder (which may or may not be adrenal insufficiency, I am still waiting on seeing the Endocrinologist for that). Oh I also had a blood test last week to test my T3 and T4 thyroid levels for the first time, so that should finally rule out hypothyroidism (or confirm it perhaps), and I will write those up once I know too.

Besides that I have been able to reduce my hydrocortisone dose by 5mg, I am not sure if my adrenals were waking up or what but I felt like I was getting stronger and didn’t need to be on the same dose, so I lowered it and I’ve been doing really good, so something positive must be happening there. I am walking most days, maybe a couple of miles, and swimming a few laps once a week or so. It feels great to be using my muscles again and to be feeling more toned as well. I haven’t really lost weight despite eating healthy now and exercising more, but I do feel like I look much more toned than before which is nice. As for my diet I don’t know if I mentioned it in previous posts but I have given up all these foods which didn’t agree with me: Gluten, dairy, cocoa, coffee, and alcohol. Plus that I am now mostly a vegan so I rarely eat meat anymore (maybe once every few months when it can’t be helped).

So I am living very healthy and feeling healthier than ever, even healthier than before I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I had no idea how to take care of myself and my body properly back then so I was suffering a lot anyway in other ways such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, panic attacks, and eczema, among others. Diet change has mostly taken a lot of that away, besides the anxiety which is due to post traumatic stress disorder instead. Though it has had a general anti-depressive effect.

Besides all that I am really feeling much more in tune with myself spiritually these days, I have made a lot of spirit friends: Déa, Hecate, Aphrodite, Gaia, Cerberus, Dragon, Jaguar, Hawthorn, Blackthorn, Willow, Lavender, and Rose, mostly as my regulars. Then I have made other spirit friends who are not regulars. And some are shifting like Aphrodite who didn’t want to be a regular but was still happy to help me for a little.

I think all these spirit friends of mine have been helping me realise more of who I am and I’ve come to the conclusion that besides being an incarnated Pleiadian I’m also an incarnated faerie. Maybe I was a Pleiadian and a faerie at the same time but I think I have also been just a faerie here on Earth too. I feel really connected to the faeries especially when I’m in nature, it feels like home to me and I’ve been getting dysphoria where I feel like I should have faerie wings but I don’t.

I can’t remember how I started thinking I was maybe a faerie. I think the first time I felt it was during Beltane last year. I did a ritual to enter their world but didn’t hear much of them after that. But I noticed there was always this faerie presence around me. When I recently inquired as to who it was Hecate actually stepped up and said she is a Faerie Queen and that I had been feeling her influence and it was a result of being part of the fae myself. I know in mythology there is not much written about Hecate’s connection with the fae but it makes sense to me as they are considered to live underground and Hecate is an underworld Goddess.

My connection with Hecate has also been a little on and off. I thought maybe she had left me just like Diana but she returned which I was really grateful for. I think maybe she was busy or just wanted me to explore other things in my life, both spiritual and love related since I met my Daddy. I had a feeling she might return though and she did, but she is as intense as ever and has me questioning and learning everything I possibly can. Including the faerie thing, but also other parts of my identity especially related to the Daddy Dom/Little girl dynamic which she interestingly approved of.

She has also stepped up as a domestic Goddess for me. I know by now she’s not a jealous goddess but I am not sure if she does just want me to solely work with her as a manifestation of Déa as Dark Mother. I have yet to ask her. But she is showing me again the dark is not something to be feared but rather something to be integrated. Her darkness shines and is like light itself which is fit for She who is Daughter of Darkness and Stars.

Speaking of deities Hecate is my sole focus right now, but her influence has had me meeting new parts of me, or possible parts that were always there but I never paid attention to as a result of my trauma. Of course the main focus in this arena of multiplicity is my inner child, which I am exploring with the Dd/Lg dynamic. My inner child is mostly about five years old but has other ages too. I consider her an integrated whole in her own right, whom sometimes fluctuates in age expression now and again.

Besides that is my animus who has popped up again. I believe this is due to my acknowledgement and hence healing of the Divine Masculine in myself. I think he manifests as sage, father, lover, and boy. The sage aspect I only just came to learn of recently during an active imagination session during therapy where he just kinda popped up as a humble old man. Maybe more like a grandfather figure. Obviously the father aspect is what I’m working on mostly right now with my acknowledgement of Father God and also with the Daddy Dom dynamic going on with me.

I believe though that the healing of my inner father has made the animus as lover reappear, and with Daddy’s influence reflecting him inside me is causing a new inner integration of sorts. Then there is the little boy but I don’t really know him, I know he’s there but never really been a focus. Mostly my inner child is focused on me as a girl, which makes more sense since I was a young girl at one point, being of the female sex.

I am not sure yet whether to relate to these aspects all as one integrated whole as I do my inner child, my reasoning and intuition says I should, that that’s kinda the idea. I have an inner male and an inner female, and I am exploring both. My inner female or anima would be comprised of crone, mother, lover, and girl, much like the mirror image of my inner male.

I think beyond all that though, I am a spark of the Divine, and that God/Goddess is ultimately what is at my core. I won’t identify with it and say that makes me God/Goddess because that’s definitely not true (and definitely not healthy for the ego to identify that way, as I know from previous experience), but maybe one could call it the higher self.

All in all I have an interesting picture of myself building up lately. I have human parts and non human parts, archetypes and multidimensional soul pieces. I am Pleiadian, Faerie, Witch, Feline, Child, Male, Female, and Divine, all as one and yet separately. There are probably many more aspects I have not explored yet, but these currently are the focus.

So it is an interesting time in my life right now full of new explorations and revisiting old explorations shed in the light of new situations and I am enjoying it. I am feeling healthy and still as positive as ever. I am trying hardest ultimately to be the best version of myself and follow my joy and as much as is possible be an embodiment of the love I wish to see in the world. And hopefully with all my learning and exploration I will better be able to become the healer I know I was born one day to be.

With Spring comes Love, and with Love comes Healing: Exploring the Daddy/Little Girl Dynamic

Happy almost spring to my followers, Candlemas has passed and Ostara is on the way. The temperature is warming outside with Valentine’s Day being a whopping 14 degrees Celsius, which had me sitting outside in the sun with a sleeveless top catching some rays! Although I do put the earlier warmer temperature down to global warming which is definitely not a good thing, it does feel nice that spring is in the air anyway. The early spring flowers are blooming such as snow drops, celandine, primroses, violets, and daffodils. I love the feeling it gives me, it’s like I can smell the new hope in the air for the future. Even though I enjoyed winter, there’s something that feels different about this spring to previous springs I passed.

It is true it could be due to having broke up with Graeme, but as my heart would have it, I have ended up falling in love again totally unexpectedly. It is funny as I remember I did a love spell literally the day after we broke up to find new love by spring, and I joined dating sites for that but I got tired and closed all my accounts down and forgot about my spell. But it was still working in the background anyway it turns out! And that closing my accounts down was more Divinely inspired than I realised as I ended up shortly reconnecting with a friend online that I was in contact with before I met Graeme. It was not planned or expected although I had feelings for him all that time ago, this time the feelings were way more intense than I’d remembered and at first I thought because we live so far away from each other that we would just not really do anything about it again.

But my heart and the universe it seems had other plans and I just fell in love all over again and it suddenly became something I had to pursue and knew I wouldn’t be happy unless I had made it become reality (of course if he desired it too). The connection was just so intense, finding myself experiencing a lot of feelings I hadn’t before. And how ironic that we reconnected just after I decided I was done with the feminist movement and pretending to be a lesbian which I wasn’t. I am bisexual, I was just hurt with men and somewhat brainwashed by lesbian radical feminists that all men were evil whether they knew it or not. So it’s like I had to work through that first and then I could fall in love again with the right person (who turned out to be a man). I don’t think I would’ve been so open to reconnecting otherwise since I had been flirting with the idea of female separatism.

The radical feminists can do their own thing, but I guess I am just not one anymore. I learned so many things from them as a whole but I was disappointed by the way they treated each other (and the wider community as a whole) and besides there is something else that basically makes me a traitor to the radical feminism movement now. And that is the fact that me falling in love again has not turned out to be ‘vanilla’ dynamic for lack of a better term, but instead a Daddy Dominant/Little girl dynamic. Writing about it does make me feel a little embarrassed but I figured I should get over it at some point since when you love someone so much you just want to talk about them, it just turns out when I will refer to him as my Daddy now. Not everywhere but I think I feel safe enough on this blog to do so.

Anyway this is why I can’t consider myself a radical feminist any longer because I know the Dd/Lg dynamic is considered pedophilic and incestual and predatory which is completely understandable. But it is entirely consensual and between two adults and it’s not really something I want to fight since something inside me wants to explore this. Also it did just progress organically on its own, and I guess that happens in life. Life always amazes me with its plot twists!

So what am I? I haven’t a clue anymore. Labels aren’t important I suppose, it is just an entirely new shifting of understanding my own self-identity in relation to the world around me. The questions I have been asking myself to get more clarity on what I should now believe that my mind has been exposed to new concepts. It was also another reminder to myself that we never do stay the same nor can we, we are always changing, and as they say change is the only constant in life. And just at a time when I started to feel more sure of myself and what I thought myself to be, I was smacked in the face by reality again and given another wake up call. But I have kind of gotten used to it now. I have a lot of Pluto energy in my natal astrological chart, and as it is in Scorpio in First House that makes it secondarily dominant alongside Mercury (My dominant planet being Venus of course which explains my lifelong focus on understanding and experiencing love as deeply as possible).

Talking of Pluto, I have compared our charts and there is also a lot of Pluto energy going on there which isn’t surprising. As a Pluto dominant I guess my relationships will always have a lot of Pluto energy flying around as well. There is Pluto-Venus which is the twin-flame marker, but also this time unlike in other relationships there is a lot of steady Saturn energy which is a breath of relief. I am hoping that means finally this will be the long-term love I have been waiting for. Intense and passionate because of the Pluto yes, but steady and stable because of Saturn.

And so this is what it has turned into, a need to be together and cross that distance and make a life together no matter what. I am so hopeful and excited though insecure at times as I am used to men abandoning me these days. But I feel through all those times I was abandoned I learned a lot of much needed lessons too which has brought me to this point where I finally feel like I am ready for something real. And too not to mention it’s not just romantically I’ve been abandoned but in a fatherly sense, growing up with an abusive ex step-father, and then being disowned by my biological father after never seeing him most of my life. So with my recent re-acceptance of the Divine Masculine or God as Father, has come an entirely new opportunity to explore that side of life again in a safe place. My inner child feels loved and wanted and finally has someone to call a Daddy where never before I had. I never remember growing up and saying the word ‘Daddy’ with anything but feelings of fear and I certainly never said ‘Daddy I love you’, only once when I was forced to so again it was a fearful situation. So being able suddenly to have someone I can call Daddy in such a loving way feels like the healing my soul needed all this time without me having realised. It was a sense of “I never even considered this before but now I am exploring it, it just feels so right”. And that is what is happening.

I also believe it links to my age regression after the psychotic episode I had which left me with dissociative identity disorder. I told my therapist this and she thinks it highly relates. The Dd/Lg community is not always to do with age regression but there is some of that too depending on the specific needs of the couple. Of course I am not age regressed anymore but I think due to having been age regressed I am more sensitive to my inner child in a way that most people might not be. And so I can feel her reemerging these days with Daddy but in a much healthier way, a way which allows me as the adult to remain in charge. As they say in the multiple community, Adult me controls the head space. But little me has some free run again now.

So it may seem weird from the outside but it gives me such a feeling of freedom I can’t really express, a feeling of being able to revisit the past and rewrite it. And that is healing and a beautiful feeling, and I think it also takes a special kind of man to be okay with that and want to nurture it. I feel so lucky and sometimes have to mentally pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming because even though he was not at all what I expected, he is what I never realised I desired more than anything.

So yes I am very in love and this is what this post is about. I have fallen in love again and I feel very optimistic, because my love spell worked and spring is on the way and everything is syncing up right now in my life. I am so grateful for the Goddess for listening to my prayers and helping my magick manifest in the way best for me. Maybe the last relationship didn’t work out, but I look back already now and think it was for the best. And the Goddess knew it, and I know that because ever since I have become devoted to worshipping her, she has done nothing but brought the best into my life.

Happy New Year: Practicing Love, Forgetting About Feminism, Remembering the Divine Masculine, Health Update, & Pleiadian Origins

Happy new year to all my readers and I hope this is the year all your dreams come true. I definitely hope that for myself as well!! It has been a long and hard few months, with depression turning up on my doorstep again at times and demanding attention. Anxiety too has been off the charts at times with panic attacks and full on dissociative attacks as well. A lot has changed especially with the ending of my last relationship and it’s been very difficult to navigate through life at times. When the one person who supported me the most is suddenly gone it made me realise how much I didn’t even know I relied on his strength. It has been a tough journey of trying to find my own strength in the void he left behind inside.

I am not yet ready to find new love or a new relationship, but I can sense something is on the horizon for the future. Most likely the more distant future rather than the near future, but the feeling gives me something to look forward to and to hope in on the days things get tough. Love does make you stronger absolutely and it’s not a bad thing to desire that. I think the unhealthy thing would be becoming dependent on it, which I think I am doing well with healing in that regards. But I do have a lot of new friends I’ve met recently online and they keep me going. I’ve surrounded myself with nice people and have prayed to Déa also and she has brought people into my life to keep me going. Déa is always so good to me and she always answers my prayers. I am not used to being heard but she always hears me and I feel so blessed and grateful.

Lately more than ever I am trying to walk the path of love and compassion and peace and kindness and harmony. I am trying to love with all my being, I am trying to make the world a better place in my own way. I have a gratefulness journal that I write in most nights and I have been reading and listening to much more positive spiritual inspirations which expand upon how to live and embody love. It is beautiful and I’m glad that despite the breakup I have not lost sight of what love feels like but have even deepened my expression of it in another way. And I feel like where there is love there is no separation between anyone, as love is that which bonds together.

Unfortunately, even that hasn’t been easy at the best of times. With making more friends includes making more potential enemies. Not intentionally but there are always people you will find you don’t actually get on with in the end or that you’re actually a pretty terrible match. I’ve had some people I’d considered friends to betray me and stab me in the back. I’ve also had complete strangers calling me all sorts of nasty slurs due to having developed radical feminist ideas which painted me automatically evil in their eyes. I have been trying to respond with nothing but love as much as I can, and it’s been a battle. It’s been a battle that has wore me down and realised I need to take time out and get back to my center, to my spirit.

See, I found myself as part of the feminist community due to my interest in the Divine Feminine. I found peace in God as Mother and empowerment for the first time in myself as a woman, created in Her image. I loved it. And I naively believed all feminists were loving women who built each other up, just as I had found myself built up inside. But I was wrong and I learned that there is nothing more than serious infighting going on within the feminist community, where hating others for having different opinions is almost fashionable and where little real empowering seems to actually go on. And so I’ve been feeling heartbroken at what a mess we have made for ourselves as women and feeling like we have just completely missed the point when it comes to validating ourselves as human beings with equal rights. It is not right women tell each other to die out of spite because they don’t agree with a post. These were some of the things I had been dealing with myself. It has been very depressing.

So I have decided to take a step back, and in doing so I have managed to somewhat disconnect the image of the Divine Feminine now from femininity in general which has been twisted by humankind. And I realised if I can do that with the Divine Feminine I can also do that with the Divine Masculine. What has happened then is a kind of breakthrough with being able to easier accept God as Father in a totally loving and non judgemental way. Because He is not the patriarchy. He has only been conflated in my head with the patriarchy my entire life. But now I can begin to dissociate that image from him.

Goodness is not gender specific as I have learned because neither is evil. Humankind as a whole has the potential for both within but God is above all that. God is The Good, as the Neoplatonists call it. And anything that is not good does not come from God. Therefore it makes sense suddenly that these distinctions I have given to male and female energies don’t particularly make sense anymore. Father God and Mother God are both loving, compassionate, wise, protective, nurturing, strengthening… these traits are not gender specific, they are just The Good expressing Itself through two primary Forms. The God and The Goddess. Father God and Mother Spirit. The Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine. Logos and Wisdom. Déa and Deus. Both are separate and yet One. Praying to one is praying to the other. And from our Heavenly Parents is born all life. The Goddess birthed us in her Wisdom. The God programmed our biology with his Word. They are the ultimate template for creation itself and neither are single parents.

And among all this discovery and at times difficult healing I am learning new things on my spiritual path. I have been corresponding more with Aphrodite who is teaching me more about how to walk the narrow path of divine love, even though she has not let me formally devote myself to her. I do not know why that is. But even though I have made a lot of spiritual progress lately, I have actually been feeling a bit deadened to being able to connect to the spirits themselves. Perhaps it is part of the depression I have been struggling with which is dulling my psychic senses. But despite that I am taking good care to look after myself and my body during some of these difficult times. Perhaps I am just going through a fallow period or strengthening in other areas of spirituality and having a break from my usual face to face spirit work. Either way I am growing in new ways I never considered to be possible before and I’m loving it.

I have also started therapy again, this time private. I have been enjoying it so far and been getting a lot of benefit out of it. Going through my entire mental health history was laborious and embarrassing at times but it is one of those things that need to be done so she can help me to the fullest extent of her ability. She’s very hands on based and uses a lot of arts and crafts in her therapy sessions. I enjoy that because it makes it playful and sort of appeals to my inner child and makes the inner work much more palatable. In fact I have a scrap book where I will get to store all my creations in relation to my psyche which is a cool idea so I can look back on it in future and see how far I’ve come. I just felt like it was time again to have therapy to keep moving forward in my life and so I don’t end up going backwards instead due to the breakup. I needed that support which I got from my ex before and decided a therapist was the best idea. So that is one part of self care I am glad I followed through on and I am all the more better for it.

Health wise I have my narcolepsy overnight sleep exam coming up in just under two weeks so I hope that brings a final conclusion, I have also been able to wean down a little on the hydrocortisone as I feel my adrenals are healing. The fatigue and symptoms I experience have not gone entirely but when I first started taking hydrocortisone I could only walk half an hour once a week. Now I am walking an hour or two about an average of four times a week. That is a massive improvement and I’m so proud of myself and glad I decided to treat myself this way. The doctors have been no use at all, saying I was meant to be seeing an Endocrinologist within five days as it was apparently classed as urgent but I was told that almost exactly a year ago now and I still haven’t seen him, and nor will I for at least another six months or so I was told. This is quite awful service as adrenals are no joke, their acting up can be life threatening, so I may just file a complaint with the NHS. Thankfully, it seems that my adrenals aren’t the main cause of my problem, but certainly have had a lot to do with my chronic fatigue conditions.

Now besides that there is one other thing I wanted to mention. I had found myself thinking about the Pleiadians yet again and grudgingly admitting to myself that yes I am a Pleiadian, and I even got a starseed astrological reading to confirm it, which it did. I always knew I had a connection to the Pleiades and I still know it now. And I have been attempting to make contact with my Pleiadian soul family. I’ve not had much luck yet with establishing a go-to ally, but I have met some strangers from the Pleiades here and there. They are lovely beings and I decided I love that I am Pleiadian after all, as it especially explains so much about me. So I am definitely also in a period of learning about this part of my spirituality too. My origins, my karma so to speak, my soul purpose, and my personality. It’s no surprise that I’ve had a lot of problem with negative Pleiadian entities and I think that is due to my past life as an actual Pleiadian. I don’t understand the ins and outs specifically, all I know is that it’s time for me to deal with this karma and connect finally to the truly Divine Pleiadians whom wish me nothing but love and peace and harmony. And I cannot wait to get to return to them when my life here is up.

On a side note I have been having a lot of visions lately about being specifically a Pleiadian Mermaid. That is totally surprising to me as I prefer the Earth as an element than Water, but I have always had a strongest connection to Water when it comes to working directly with the elements. For example when I cast a circle, water is always so willing and eager to come through and help me. The others take a bit more coaxing in their various degrees.

So that is a little update to where I am now and what’s going on in my life. I hope I have remembered to put everything down and I apologise it’s been so long since a proper update. But overall the message is I’m doing okay still and am working towards a better future. Things may not always go how we want or expect, but we can still try to make things easy and happy for us despite the external circumstances that might make things hard.

The End of a Relationship, But the Beginning of Something New

I think the title expresses it well, and I’m not sure exactly what I want to write down here, just that I know I want to write something down. Maybe I will learn new things about myself and my journey along the way. It is all one big journey and this year has been… well, very interesting in many ways. Whilst I wanted to write about the breakup, maybe it’s better to rewind a little first and write about the events leading up to it.

I was feeling very spiritually connected for the first time in a long time, and I had what I can only call an illumination experience once again, paralleling that of the one I had back in 2013. Though this time I did not see any spirits, but I was connecting to Mother God in prayer, my heart and soul crying out for something, something I could feel but could not name. And in that moment her light descended and flooded into my body and I experienced a Unity that I had long forgotten existed. I experienced God.

My spirit allies had told me before this point that something like this was coming, but I took it with a pinch of salt. I try not to put all my trust in what spirits say as they can be notoriously deceptive and often you’re not really communicating with who you believe you are. But yet they turned out to be right saying that a turning point in my life was arriving, and that I would experience rapid healing.

Well after that night of unification with Mother God my energy really started returning in massive waves, with me being able to do twice as much than before. I was really astounded and couldn’t believe it. Whilst it’s not like a full healing, it really feels like the beginning of a true healing process on all levels. I feel like from here I can only get better.

Then the break up happened, out of nowhere. I had been with my ex for almost two years, and the topic of commitment inevitably came up which I wanted, but he couldn’t provide, and it was too painful for me to keep hanging around, so I let go and we part ways. This was only a week or two after experiencing that unification with God.

It makes me wonder why relationships seem to always be the catalyst towards spiritual experiences? And not always good either. Through that period of uncertainty during the break I also had some return of old psychotic symptoms. In fact I was terrified I would wake up the morning after the break up and be totally immobilised in health and energy again, but alas, and thankfully, that wasn’t the case. I woke up fine and with the still high energy I had been finding myself riding the wave of.

After the official breakup, I said something instinctively which before I had only said to spirits I had purposely called into my space for devotional before. I had no idea why I said it, I just said “hail and farewell” to him as if he was there with me, and in that moment an entire energy double of him stepped out of my body through my heart and left. It was utterly astounding, and also extremely painful. But after that, the worst of the grief was gone.

But don’t get me wrong, some periods can still be quite difficult. I don’t even think it’s been two weeks yet. But considering how much I loved him and how long we were together I feel like I’m coping quite well. Sometimes I feel his energy return to probe me and I just don’t let it back in, because it’s not good or right anymore. That cord has been cut.

Since that happened, it just felt like the energy that had left me left an empty space in my heart where my own lost energy which had returned from his love and healing had room to enter and start to fill me up again and make me healthier and whole again. And so this is why the whole set of events was very mysterious indeed. I had an experience of unity with God, which was given room to integrate through the outcome of the breakup. Hmm, like I said, mysterious, right? Seems a little bit too coincidental.

I had some spirit allies say we were twin souls blablablah that our relationship would turn out fine but I’m done with that kind of thinking these days. I mean, if you think about it, if it were true, then this would be a separation stage where healing has to be carried out individually, and the set of circumstances that lead up to my illumination and subsequent breakup would make more sense. But I have experienced the same thing in relationships past and so I really can’t pretend to put any wishful thinking on it.

On one hand, I am totally confused and just mystified because our relationship was literally so perfect, we rarely disagreed or had arguments, we were so supportive of each other and had so many things in common. He looked after me at my worst and saw me at my worst, including periods of temporary paralysis where he had to carry me up the stairs to bed, and other similar situations. But his fear of commitment just turned out to be greater than his love for me in the end I guess… who knows…

Well, I did a love spell because I was so ready to settle down and now I just sort of feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff. I did the love spell to find the next perfect soulmate before next spring (and this time I made sure to be more specific with my manifestation request lol), and the wax itself showed a lot of emotional cleansing to happen before it could happen, which makes sense after being in a relationship that long.

But my dreams keep confusing me. Dreams that we will reunite and stuff. I am putting it down to unconscious wish-fulfilment, and dream dictionaries generally say these kind of dreams are a good sign of moving on due to the experience of closure. But then again some of these experiences are quite spiritual, and in one Déa said we would either reunite in the next few months if it turned out to be right or I would really find a new person, someone much more suited for where and who I am now.

I don’t know honestly but I do know that I learned a lot about love and I want to keep that going and deepening my experience of it. Not just in romantic expressions either but in familial expressions and global expressions. I care so much more than ever about people and the earth and about just becoming a living embodiment of love so that Déa can shine through me.

Don’t get me wrong, damn it’s hard sometimes. People can be rude and unappreciative and sometimes I just feel totally invisible despite having only the best intentions and wanting to help. But I try my hardest to remember that we’re all only human and only a little bit of love may seed the same in someone else’s heart.

So really throughout all this as well, I found my life purpose. It’s to love people. It’s to love myself and love others and love the world, and just be an embodiment of love, and that’s it. It’s really that simple. All this time I had been thinking my life purpose had to be grand yet in fact it is the simplest and most humble of all. Love is self-sacrificing for the greater good. And whilst that doesn’t mean neglecting ourselves, it does often mean putting others feelings and needs over the selfish desires and agendas of our own (within reason, of course, this is definitely not something you’d do in a situation of being abused, for example).

And it’s interesting because I learned that Venus (who represents love) is my dominant astrological planet which makes Lady Grace (Sai Sushuri) my Patron Janya. And yet as I sought to connect with her I found a friend in Aphrodite who has taught me much already in only the short time I have known her. And She considers Herself an emanation of Déa, just as all the gods are really. She considers herself an emanation of the Love of Déa.

So it is really nice to have found another goddess that I am thinking of becoming devoted to. I never thought I would be devoted to more than one Goddess. But now I am devoted to Hekate, Déa Herself, and maybe soon Aphrodite!

So yes despite the strange and heartbreaking circumstances regarding the end of my romantic relationship, everything else is perfectly fine in my life and is in fact thriving more than ever and I hope to use everything I learned throughout the relationship either as a direct result or indirect as a catalyst to keep me reaching towards that ideal of being my highest self. And that doesn’t mean being perfect, but it means being compassionate, and modest. As they say the Fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control, and many of these Fruits correspond with the Janyati.

And the Spirit Herself is Déa, because Déa is the Creatrix in Motion, the Breath of Life itself that keeps existence sustained.

Blessed Be and Blessed is She.