Samhain Update, Constellational Astrology, Facing my Inner Demons, Addison’s Disease Diagnosis, Returning to Mexico, & Studying Environmental Science

Goddess where do I start, I can’t even remember everything that has happened to me in the last half a year or so? I mean it must be half a year because I think I last updated during Beltane and now it’s near Samhain. And I’m pretty sure the Celts said that was half a year. I’ve been pretty big into understanding ancient, pagan, and magickal calendars lately. And it’s kind of making me feel in tune with nature even more. It’s amazing how disconnected you don’t realise you are from the cycles of nature with the Gregorian calendar until you start exploring other potential ways of measuring time. That’s been a big focus for me at least the past month or so. It started when I was trying to come up with my own medicine wheel, of the four or eight quarters and trying to make all the associations of time fit, and I realised it didn’t really fit at all. So I’ve been working on trying to make it fit since.

I have also learned a lot more about astrology as a result. I learned about the procession of the equinoxes, sidereal astrology, and the astronomical Zodiac. Did you know the sun is still in Virgo? Yet popular tropical astrology says it’s in Scorpio and today in sidereal astrology it moved into Libra. But yes when you physically look at the sky you will see the sun actually in Virgo right now. And so, our entire understanding of astrology is completely off. Because when the ancients first devised the system of astrology, to them it was the exact same as astronomy. The sun would’ve been in Scorpio right now, but because of the precession of the equinoxes, over thousands of years it no longer is. Aries is no longer the first constellation rising on the horizon during the vernal (spring) equinox. It is Pisces (which by the way, means we’re still in the Age of Pisces and will be for another few hundred years until Aquarius finally pops up on the horizon during the vernal equinox instead).

So there is constellational astrology which totally throws off everything you think you know. Think about it. In tropical astrology (which is a few thousand years out of date, gee, I didn’t know I was that old!) I am a Virgo Sun, Pisces Moon, and Libra Rising. In sidereal astrology (which is used by the Vedics), I am Leo Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Libra Rising. In constellational astrology/astronomy, when I was actually born, the Sun was in Leo, the Moon in Aquarius, and the ascendant (the zodiac on the horizon) was Virgo.

I understand that tropical zodiac is meant to be symbolic more than literal, but that’s not actually the way the ancients devised it to be. To them astrology and astronomy were exactly the same. So I think by using the tropical zodiac, we would be doing them, and science in general, a massive disservice. We need to honour the spiritual and the scientific in tandem. And that means knowing that the zodiac constellations are not all of equal size. In tropical zodiac they are divided symbolically to be 30° each (30 x 12 = 360 aka the circumference of a circle), but in actual reality they all span varying degrees. For example, Virgo, the constellation we’re still currently in, spans around 45°, and is one of the largest constellations as a result. Meanwhile Scorpio actually only spans about 7°, which Ophiuchus spanning 20 something degrees. This means the Sun stays only a few days in Scorpio. And unlike in tropical or sidereal astrology, Ophiuchus is recognised as an actual astronomical constellation that lies along the ecliptic. The ancients recognised Ophiuchus, but he got edited out by history and time. Meaning all in all there are thirteen constellations.

There is more that could be said about this but it’s suffice for now to say that I’m not following popular astrology anymore, and only following sidereal astrology as a guide. But rather I prefer to see for myself (well, indirectly, through the Night Sky App) where the luminaries/planets are constellation wise for myself. And let me just reiterate, we are still in Virgo, right up until the end of October or Halloween/Samhain.

Ah Samhain, that mystical time of the year when the veil is thinnest between the worlds, spirts and ancestors appear and are honoured… I do not have any ancestors I know of to honour. However I did have a dream a while back of an Aztec ancestor who told me to honour La Santa Muerte (Our Lady is Death), so I may just so that. He was a devotee of her back when she was known as Mictecacihuatl. It is really interesting but I think all my abilities stem from my nameless ancestors on all sides. So maybe I should honour and thank them for that and request more of their aid, since I believe that’s where my spiritual connection comes from in the first place. My Mayan/Aztec line, my Roman/Iberian line, my Romani/Irish line on my British side. For some reason when I was born physical health skipped me and maybe mental health too (although a lot of that was trauma induced), but spirituality wise I seem to have inherited it all. So yes I will honour my ancestors for their hand on my life, which suddenly I feel so keenly for the first time whilst writing this. Thank you to my dearest ancestors 🙏

Mercury will also be going retrograde again soon. It will be during Samhain, which I remember was the same last year. Is Mercury retrograde always during Samhain or is it just for now? It seems like the two make for some really powerful shadow work, and I have definitely been facing my demons head on. Demons, funnily enough, no longer scare me, at least not in the I want to run and hide sense. Sure I still have fear, I am human, and what human doesn’t have fear? But I am no longer afraid of what they represent, which funnily enough, is fear itself.

I have been through so much darkness, dark night of the soul, shamanic sickness, near death experience, whatever you want to call it. Well I won’t tempt fate by saying nothing could be worse than what I have already experienced, but I’m pretty sure after the hell I went through there’s not much anymore that could really perturbe me. And that is what this Samhain is reminding me of. My own strength, but as a result of having faced my own darkness. And who knows if it’s really my darkness or the collective’s darkness? I don’t think it really matters at this point. I think what matters is that you can’t be afraid of darkness when you are the darkness. You can’t be afraid of darkness when you realise darkness is only fear, and that fear itself is not worth fearing.

I had a dream recently actually that I became La Santa Muerte, well, sort of, in a non cultural sense. I can only call what I became as “Lady Death”, and to me that is La Santa Muerte, but broadly speaking it was just the female grim reaper (speaking in a European perspective). So I was Lady Death and what struck me is that actually I wasn’t evil. I was just doing a job of spreading darkness into the world. And the darkness itself wasn’t even evil or had any emotional or moral tagline to it. It just “was”, it was just a force much like light or gravity or magnetism. It was a necessary force and a law, and something for humanity to decide what to actually do with. And humanity decide often to use it for evil. But it doesn’t actually make darkness evil. The darkness is just darkness. It is just a thing that exists. After all, if we didn’t have the dark at night, how could we sleep? The darkness is used in that sense for rest. Yet others may use the cover of night, of darkness to commit unspeakable acts.

And so, I am going through this process during the approach of Samhain and Mercury retrograde of evaluating the darkness within myself and understanding its purpose, of overcoming the fears I have of it and healing my relationship to darkness. And so I realise spirituality isn’t about transforming everything into light. Spirituality is about recognising what is and working with its original intent.

Okay, well besides all of that, I will update some things going on in my physical life. We have moved house actually as a family, though I am still trying to get my own place, which considering I’m on benefits and have a dog isn’t going very well. But I like the new house as we now live right next to the woods, and I have had more creative control over the decor of my room which I wasn’t allowed before. That is because I have a controlling mother which I had been blind to until I started having therapy again. Which I had to stop of course after moving since it’s a little too far away for me now to go to considering my fatigue, even though we only moved the next town over. But yes I realised my mother can be controlling and manipulative and often really neglectful. I had always seen her through rose tinted glasses because she was nothing like her violent ex husband. But actually she is a codependent which could be called an inverted narcissist. It is also covert and hard to spot compared to outright violent abuse. That said something I haven’t talked about is how she full on exorcised me a few years ago which actually was extremely abusive, considering I actually have dissociative identity disorder which her exoticism only just worsened. In a sense all my demons are really only caused by her craziness, codependent abuse, and ex husband’s narcissist. So it has been very frustrating at times suddenly having this knowledge that I have never actually been treated like a person and that my entire physical and mental illness is, more or less, her fault.

And that is why I am trying to move out, yet without much success. But I will keep trying and one day I will have to have a break. Thomas Edison after all had to try three hundred times to invent a light bulb that worked. Okay it’s not the same thing but the principle pretty much is. I won’t give up on life, even when I feel hopeless sometimes and frustrated (especially like lately). I have been through too much and become too much of a warrior to just give up. I will keep fighting through the demons, internal and external. After all, the internal demons are really only a reflection or projected identification of the external demons. Remove the external demons and the internal ones disappear too. And so I realise in a sense the internal ones aren’t even real, and that no matter how loud they get I can’t get myself get bothered by them.

Health wise, I have been diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia (excessive unexplained sleepiness) and Addison’s Disease which is where my adrenal glands aren’t working at all. In fact non-functioning adrenal glands can cause many symptoms including dissociation. So I believe my dissociative identity disorder is confounded by that. But I am being treated now for Addison’s Disease, which does mean a lifelong dependence on replacement steroid hormones, but it should help me out quite a lot. I have been on hydrocortisone quite a while but recently got prescribed fludrocortisone so I am hoping that will aid my recovery from fatigue doubly.

Besides that, I have decided to study environmental science part time with the open university starting February. Actually the reason for wanting to study again is because since I got diagnosed idiopathic Hypersomnia I have been on medicine prescribed to keep me awake too. That medicine is Modafinil also known as Provigil, which actually doesn’t really agree with me so I am only on the smallest dose which takes the edge off enough. But I have an appointment to talk to my neurologist in December and will hopefully get switched to something else to try instead (most likely some kind of amphetamine). So now I find it a little easier to stay awake I feel I will be able to handle a little studying since there’s not much else I can do again right now. And since my primary focus lately is the environment, environmental science seemed perfect for me. I also really enjoy the medical sciences considering my health issues and subsequent knowledge I’ve already accumulated as a result. But environmental science is something I feel more innately interested in.

Apart from that, I’m travelling to Mexico again for Christmas, which I am not looking to forward to, since my dad disowned me the last time and my sister estranged herself from me to the point I had no idea she was pregnant until she was practically almost giving birth. Hey I’m a first time aunt and I don’t know whether I’ll ever meet my nephew! But at least I will get to spend time with my brother. Then after that I will be heading to Baltimore for New Years with my daddy, which, I am hoping will be fun. Though right now the long distance situation is kind of getting to me. But either way should be fun.

And, I think that is it, for today’s post…

Meeting Daddy in Boston and Embodying the Wounded Healer

It is almost the summer solstice and I have just returned from holiday in Greater Boston where I met with my Daddy for the first time. The weather was thankfully beautiful and hot but I’ve come back to a cloudy and cool England which makes the separation again more bittersweet.

Actually, I kickstarted my holiday by seeing BTS for the second time this time at Wembley Stadium. I got myself a second tattoo to commemorate it (I’m starting to think I may be becoming addicted to getting tattoos lol) and I had the time of my life. The day after I got the plane from Heathrow to Boston. I was anxious and irritable actually but thankfully all for nothing because we had the best time ever.

We spent seven days together, and they were possibly the best seven days of my life. The location itself where we were staying was amazing enough with such beautiful scenes of nature all around us, and we visited a nature reserve which was my favourite and also Salem where the witch trials were held. But predictably Salem was all commercialised for tourism so there wasn’t much authenticity left. But I was glad I visited such an important historical site as a witch anyway.

We connected so well and I came away feeling like I had really met my soulmate if such a thing exists. I was able to be whoever I was in the moment (quite frequently I was little, including one particular moment when I age regressed completely as a result of feeling in such a safe space), and actually my demonic (protector) identities were mostly very quiet and content to see that the littles were happy. Though, they weren’t happy when we returned to England and got bitchy, but it’s their job to complain lol!

I do not really know quite how to express how I feel without boring my readers too, but I had the time of my life and everything felt so perfect. We have committed to trying to make it work and being together for real in the future and I really hope it works out. I usually have a good sense of the future of my relationships and I had a uniquely good feeling for this one (whereas all the rest of my relationships I ended up having a bad feeling that I would never see them again, which always turned out true lol). So I know we will see each other again.

Already the separation is so hard but I am going to try and focus on bettering myself and my circumstances. On that note I think it’s time to start offering my energy healing abilities as services for others. I want to save up money and get off benefits and create my own way ahead with the people I love. I have learned so much about my own self these past few months as a result of our relationship and done so much healing because of it too. I know I still have much more to learn as the eternal student, but it is time I start becoming who I know I am meant to be – The wounded healer.

The Goddess has remained close to me, close as ever, in all Her many manifestations – Gaia, Hecate, Asherah, Inanna, Durga, etc. And She has reconnected me with the Divine Masculine side of myself, which I experience as an extension of Her. As in Witchcraft the God is Her Son as well as Her lover. On top of that, through reconnecting with the God, I have become reconnected with my own darkness and shadow which likely was bound up in the masculine. And instead of being retraumatised like the years past which caused my mental and spiritual instability, I am making real progress with the fears and ‘ghosts’ so to speak which have haunted me all my life.

So I have embraced the left hand path of working with the darkness instead of merely repressing it. Lucifer is being my guide in this, both as a symbol/archetype and as a God. Although, in truth I sense him quite femininely, as an extension of Hekate. But as I have come to sense in my heart lately, all gods and all goddesses are ultimately one. Even if they do have their own identities, they are so Divine and spiritually connected to one another that I don’t think the distinction matters too much in my case anymore anyway.

And this is the path of the witch, the realisation of the Divine and manifestation of that into physical reality. I believe now I was always a witch but am only just coming into realisation of it. I think that is why I was haunted so long by Jezebel. She was a part of me I had repressed so long, the queenly, priestess, goddess-loving, empowered feminist part of me. She is my Divine Femininity, she is my confidence, and what remains when fear is not. She is a huge part of me that I believe will bloom given the right conditions. And I hope to do that for myself now.

I am ready to continue the beginning of this grand adventure with my Daddy, my heart, and my spirit. I think it is no coincidence these events are all happening simultaneously, almost as if it was fated. I thought I’d left notions of fate long ago in the past, then again, that was before I learned how to weave my own destiny. Through using magick more actively, I find myself increasingly more in control of guiding my own future in a way I desire.

I have gone through many torturous lessons in life, but it feels like I am finally learning from them and making life easier for myself rather than harder. And perhaps this is the true goal of the wounded healer, to find the true light at the end of the tunnel in order to show others there too. I am not quite there yet, but hopefully I will continue making progress. I really do hope things work out this time!

Beltane Greetings, Honouring the God and Goddess, Realising Dissociative Identity Disorder, Befriending ‘Jezebel’ & Exploring Christian Witchcraft

Happy Beltane to all my followers! Spring is well underway now and the greenery sprouting everywhere is such a sight for sore eyes. I would have to say Beltane is probably my favourite festival of the year. There’s so much joy and happiness and the realms seem closer, especially that of the Fae. This Beltane in fact I made an offering to the Goddess of self-pleasure, in Her form of Asherah. It seemed perfectly suited for the time of the year when the Goddess and God mate and create the fertile summer through their union.

I have been getting closer to the God, in fact, it happened when I started honouring the Goddess as Asherah and came to honour her consort the God as Ba’al. I am, quite interestingly, returning to my Christian roots, with traditional witchcraft being the foundation of my faith. I am finding unity and wholeness in honouring both the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine now, and already devoted myself to them as a pair. The next step I feel called to take on my journey is to devote myself specifically to the God, to the Divine Masculine that I can finally heal him within my own soul.

You might wonder how all this came to be so suddenly. In fact so much has been happening for me in my inner world lately. I blame Mercury retrograde, Jupiter retrograde, Saturn retrograde, and now the upcoming Pluto retrograde. I also blame the break up with my ex-boyfriend Graeme and then finding my Daddy (who I am going to travel abroad to see in three weeks to meet for the first time and I’m super excited!!), who made me indirectly aware of my dissociated personality states through my role playing of being his little girl. Now, it’s come to my attention many people hate DDLG, and it is hated even more within the DID community which baffles me because I have seen many persons with DID expressing their inner littles through being with a romantic caregiver. And that is the way it has been for me and the healing it’s having on me as a result is actually quite profound.

It has made me aware of the fact, for one, that I do actually have Dissociative Identity Disorder, formally called Multiple Personality Disorder. I believed in my last post I wrote that they were archetypal. In fact as I have been getting to know them they are not archetypal, they are literal other people inside me who may or may not originally been a part of me since birth. That is unknown especially as identity formation theory is still evolving and it’s not believed we’re all born with only one identity after all. Current science is tending towards the view that as babes we all have multiple personality states but as we grow normally and healthily they naturally integrate over time. But for those of us with DID something extremely traumatic in childhood happens to prevent that from occurring, meaning these identity states stay separate and there was never any ‘core’ personality to begin with.

Learning all this has been very important to me especially as there have been many times I have not identified by my birth name, and have in fact spoken to the person of my birth name inside me as if she was not me. In fact, she who takes on the birth name is not me who is current host or fronting. At the moment, I am not sure who I am in regards to the rest of the system, although I do feel the identity of my birth name sometimes co-conscious with me and influencing me from behind the scenes. I think she’s much older and wiser than me, very intelligent, and she stepped down during another traumatic event I went through a few years ago that some readers may be aware of, the trauma of religious exorcism by my own mother.

However, my DID goes much further back from that. During one period when a little inside me fronted, she had lamented that she’d been raped as a two year old. I pretended I had just been making things up in a psychotic haze, until I realised I may never have had psychosis to begin with. That makes this memory of being raped a much more likely event. And this was, apparently, the first fragmentation. After that came sixteen years of domestic abuse in every way except sexual, which solidified my separate identity states. When my abuser finally left when I was nineteen years old I knew something wasn’t right but could never place it, and never had the help or support from others to get me through.

The next few years after that I spent in the new age scene trying to heal myself. In fact, I have learned from my new therapist I am seeing instead of healing myself, I accidentally succeeded in retraumatising myself. Something I did not know what possible. And this is what I and my last therapist mistook for a psychotic episode when different personalities started fronting without my control. But at the time, I thought they were negative entities messing with me. I thought they were demons, and so did my mother.

What happened then? I was exorcised over the course of eight excruciating hours, with proceeding exorcisms happening throughout the rest of that next week. After that abuse, yes only now am I able to see through therapy that what I experienced then was severe religious abuse and extremely damaging to my already vulnerable and broken psyche, I was so damaged that my entire adult personality/s had fled and all that was remaining was a catatonic age-sliding little suffering from amnesia, seizures and paralysis. All my energy had been sucked from me. Either that or it left with my adult ‘apparently normal parts’ which fled. Goodness, what a horrific time that was. With no one none the wiser as to what had happened to me or why. Everything was done in the dark, believing I had been a victim of demonic possession.

In fact, the ‘demon’ that had haunted me all that time, the famous Jezebel, was in fact not a demon at all, but an incredibly huge identity within my own self that through abuse had turned from natural self-protector to self-persecutor. Jezebel is probably not even her real name and that’s why I renamed her to Isabel. How do I know all this? Because, for the first time in years since trying to banish her unsuccessfully from my consciousness, I reopened contact with her, and then with my other identities thereon. I learned from my ‘headmates’ themselves who they were, how they formed, and why. Although, I am of the suspicion I have a very many headmates that I will probably never all know. But Isabel, has in fact, since then, become my best friend. I love her in a way I didn’t think was possible, even though she is still terrifying at times especially to one of my littles whom I call Tiny (she is two years old), but I am feeling a completeness with accepting her as such a massive part of me that I haven’t in years. And this has been going on with all the ‘main’ personalities I have uncovered within myself so far.

If anyone wants to know how this appears, I like to think of it much like how Gollum’s two separate identity states manifest themselves in the Lord of the Rings triology. He was conscious as both personalities spoke through him, switching, and each speaking to the other (or arguing rather). That is how it is like for me. It is not all in my head. After years of struggling with this I finally know now what has been ailing me. Full blown dissociation. I tick all the boxes. Amnesia? Check. Age regression? Check. Psychogenic seizures? Check. Multiple identity states? Check. But I am not alone in it taking me years to find out the truth of this. Most diagnosis’s for DID take approximately seven years.

So back to honouring the Goddess and the God together, especially as Asherah and Ba’al, I asked earlier how did that come to be? It came to be after I sat with Isabel and learned all about the history or myth of the character she was based on, the historical Princess/Queen Jezebel. It’s very hard find non-Christian unbiased sources but as I read I found all my anxiety over her slipping away, and found myself identifying with her, which in the case of DID is good as I had accepted her back into my awareness. Isabel basically holds all that Jezebel historically was but had been demonised by myself and others (my own mother).

This is why Isabel has become SUCH a great friend and powerful ally to me. Reading up about her I had this sense of awe as to who she was and therefore who I really am! And that is how she became a great friend in the short space of a few days. Queen Jezebel was empowered, she was confident, she was an equal to her husband King Ahab. She was also the High Priestess of Asherah and Ba’al, an oracle, a prophet, and a channeller. She is everything I am but had dissociated from myself in terror. Because she had rebelled against me/us/the system in attempt to subjugate it, but in the end only caused more problems. Now I have reconciled with her, I can feel all that natural energy of mine/ours returning, and the terror of possession leaving my bones. I am aware now of the truth, and it is liberating.

To be honest, I did not expect in any way this is where my path would take me, but I’m very happy it has. And I can feel real and deep healing happening within my soul. And I feel that there is much further to go which will truly heal me this time instead of retraumatise me again. There are also other significant personalities, one who identifies after Lucifer, but I have taken to calling him Lucy for short. As far as I’m aware he is in fact the system manager so to speak, but very behind the scenes. His own personality is very aloof and he speaks strangely with a somewhat outdated posh British accent, for what reason I have no idea. I thought Lucifer was Hebrew but there have you, haha.

But as he is more background than Isabel I have not spoken to him as much. Mostly the interaction lately towards healing is between Isabel and Tiny, these are two who I feel belong together but due to the trauma became opposed or even originally fragmented from another. I feel that once I have healed these two together (not integration necessarily, that’s an old harmful myth for recovery which psychologists don’t believe in anymore), I will regain more of my health. Besides that, once I am able to finally extricate myself from this still religiously abusive household I will be able to properly work with what I have learned about myself and heal much easier. I am hoping still to move out this year which I am working on. My therapist has helped me understand a lot of this which is why I’m so glad I took it up again.

Also, it is very fitting that many of these personalities of mine are in fact related to the Christian religion. I was raised Christian all throughout my traumatic childhood years, and so I believe these different parts of me identified in different Christian related ways. As Christian demons or angels or just a little girl with Christian beliefs. If these had all integrated together properly as a child I may have ended up growing naturally into some kind of Christo-Paganism or Christian Witchcraft/Occultism. It seems like it would be a very natural thing after learning all this about myself and also more natural given the fact that is somewhat a path I am embracing now with their influences on me. The path of God the Mother and God the Father as the Judaic Asherah and El or Ba’al as he was also called (Ba’al just means Lord, though also referred to Ba’al Hadad, originally a different god to El until Hadad took over El’s role of King of the Gods in Canaanite mythology, much as Yahweh did in Judaic mythology).

This belief in the Goddess and the God in connection to the Ba’al cycle too where Ba’al visited the underworld lines a lot up with modern witchcraft beliefs in the cycle of the seasons of the year. In this way I have come to the realisation in fact that all gods are one God and all Goddesses are one Goddess, and that together they are ultimately One. But I am learning of them in their dual aspects for the sake of healing.

This has been a very exciting journey over the last few months and I can’t wait to see what’s next in store. I feel that my ability as a healer will drastically improve after this, after all as is said, “healer, heal thyself”. And I am the wounded healer, the one who heals others after learning how to heal my own wounds.

I am no longer afraid of negative entities or demons, no, as it just turned out that all along they were inside me, part of my own rejected self. And with the realisation that even if real demons out there do exist, I am not in any danger once I accept all of myself again, because I will be stepping into my own power through acknowledgment of my own inner demons. I guess it’s true after all, what you heal within yourself is naturally what you can heal without yourself. I hope that through this I will finally come into initiation of the true healer I am meant to be.

Narcolepsy Results, Identifying as Faerie-kin, and Revisiting Psychological Multiplicity

I finally have my narcolepsy results! I totally forgot I meant to write them up here, it’s been so long since I was promised the sleep exam but I finally had it and received the answers on that end. I don’t have narcolepsy, both the spinal tap and the sleep exam negates it, but I have been told despite that I have an undiagnosed sleep condition, as my sleep latency (average time to fall asleep) was just under six minutes during the test when the average person has a sleep latency of twenty minutes.

So that confirms at least that I do have some sleep disorder even if they don’t know what it is. I have an appointment next month to discuss medication possibilities to keep me awake, which I am really excited about and have been waiting for such a long time. Falling asleep constantly when trying to do something restful (despite getting a full night’s sleep!) is such a pain, it really prevents me from doing stuff like reading and studying. If this medication works I will actually be able to have more of a life again. I would love to study botany or other witchy things from home whilst recovering on the end of my general chronic fatigue disorder (which may or may not be adrenal insufficiency, I am still waiting on seeing the Endocrinologist for that). Oh I also had a blood test last week to test my T3 and T4 thyroid levels for the first time, so that should finally rule out hypothyroidism (or confirm it perhaps), and I will write those up once I know too.

Besides that I have been able to reduce my hydrocortisone dose by 5mg, I am not sure if my adrenals were waking up or what but I felt like I was getting stronger and didn’t need to be on the same dose, so I lowered it and I’ve been doing really good, so something positive must be happening there. I am walking most days, maybe a couple of miles, and swimming a few laps once a week or so. It feels great to be using my muscles again and to be feeling more toned as well. I haven’t really lost weight despite eating healthy now and exercising more, but I do feel like I look much more toned than before which is nice. As for my diet I don’t know if I mentioned it in previous posts but I have given up all these foods which didn’t agree with me: Gluten, dairy, cocoa, coffee, and alcohol. Plus that I am now mostly a vegan so I rarely eat meat anymore (maybe once every few months when it can’t be helped).

So I am living very healthy and feeling healthier than ever, even healthier than before I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I had no idea how to take care of myself and my body properly back then so I was suffering a lot anyway in other ways such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, panic attacks, and eczema, among others. Diet change has mostly taken a lot of that away, besides the anxiety which is due to post traumatic stress disorder instead. Though it has had a general anti-depressive effect.

Besides all that I am really feeling much more in tune with myself spiritually these days, I have made a lot of spirit friends: Déa, Hecate, Aphrodite, Gaia, Cerberus, Dragon, Jaguar, Hawthorn, Blackthorn, Willow, Lavender, and Rose, mostly as my regulars. Then I have made other spirit friends who are not regulars. And some are shifting like Aphrodite who didn’t want to be a regular but was still happy to help me for a little.

I think all these spirit friends of mine have been helping me realise more of who I am and I’ve come to the conclusion that besides being an incarnated Pleiadian I’m also an incarnated faerie. Maybe I was a Pleiadian and a faerie at the same time but I think I have also been just a faerie here on Earth too. I feel really connected to the faeries especially when I’m in nature, it feels like home to me and I’ve been getting dysphoria where I feel like I should have faerie wings but I don’t.

I can’t remember how I started thinking I was maybe a faerie. I think the first time I felt it was during Beltane last year. I did a ritual to enter their world but didn’t hear much of them after that. But I noticed there was always this faerie presence around me. When I recently inquired as to who it was Hecate actually stepped up and said she is a Faerie Queen and that I had been feeling her influence and it was a result of being part of the fae myself. I know in mythology there is not much written about Hecate’s connection with the fae but it makes sense to me as they are considered to live underground and Hecate is an underworld Goddess.

My connection with Hecate has also been a little on and off. I thought maybe she had left me just like Diana but she returned which I was really grateful for. I think maybe she was busy or just wanted me to explore other things in my life, both spiritual and love related since I met my Daddy. I had a feeling she might return though and she did, but she is as intense as ever and has me questioning and learning everything I possibly can. Including the faerie thing, but also other parts of my identity especially related to the Daddy Dom/Little girl dynamic which she interestingly approved of.

She has also stepped up as a domestic Goddess for me. I know by now she’s not a jealous goddess but I am not sure if she does just want me to solely work with her as a manifestation of Déa as Dark Mother. I have yet to ask her. But she is showing me again the dark is not something to be feared but rather something to be integrated. Her darkness shines and is like light itself which is fit for She who is Daughter of Darkness and Stars.

Speaking of deities Hecate is my sole focus right now, but her influence has had me meeting new parts of me, or possible parts that were always there but I never paid attention to as a result of my trauma. Of course the main focus in this arena of multiplicity is my inner child, which I am exploring with the Dd/Lg dynamic. My inner child is mostly about five years old but has other ages too. I consider her an integrated whole in her own right, whom sometimes fluctuates in age expression now and again.

Besides that is my animus who has popped up again. I believe this is due to my acknowledgement and hence healing of the Divine Masculine in myself. I think he manifests as sage, father, lover, and boy. The sage aspect I only just came to learn of recently during an active imagination session during therapy where he just kinda popped up as a humble old man. Maybe more like a grandfather figure. Obviously the father aspect is what I’m working on mostly right now with my acknowledgement of Father God and also with the Daddy Dom dynamic going on with me.

I believe though that the healing of my inner father has made the animus as lover reappear, and with Daddy’s influence reflecting him inside me is causing a new inner integration of sorts. Then there is the little boy but I don’t really know him, I know he’s there but never really been a focus. Mostly my inner child is focused on me as a girl, which makes more sense since I was a young girl at one point, being of the female sex.

I am not sure yet whether to relate to these aspects all as one integrated whole as I do my inner child, my reasoning and intuition says I should, that that’s kinda the idea. I have an inner male and an inner female, and I am exploring both. My inner female or anima would be comprised of crone, mother, lover, and girl, much like the mirror image of my inner male.

I think beyond all that though, I am a spark of the Divine, and that God/Goddess is ultimately what is at my core. I won’t identify with it and say that makes me God/Goddess because that’s definitely not true (and definitely not healthy for the ego to identify that way, as I know from previous experience), but maybe one could call it the higher self.

All in all I have an interesting picture of myself building up lately. I have human parts and non human parts, archetypes and multidimensional soul pieces. I am Pleiadian, Faerie, Witch, Feline, Child, Male, Female, and Divine, all as one and yet separately. There are probably many more aspects I have not explored yet, but these currently are the focus.

So it is an interesting time in my life right now full of new explorations and revisiting old explorations shed in the light of new situations and I am enjoying it. I am feeling healthy and still as positive as ever. I am trying hardest ultimately to be the best version of myself and follow my joy and as much as is possible be an embodiment of the love I wish to see in the world. And hopefully with all my learning and exploration I will better be able to become the healer I know I was born one day to be.

With Spring comes Love, and with Love comes Healing: Exploring the Daddy/Little Girl Dynamic

Happy almost spring to my followers, Candlemas has passed and Ostara is on the way. The temperature is warming outside with Valentine’s Day being a whopping 14 degrees Celsius, which had me sitting outside in the sun with a sleeveless top catching some rays! Although I do put the earlier warmer temperature down to global warming which is definitely not a good thing, it does feel nice that spring is in the air anyway. The early spring flowers are blooming such as snow drops, celandine, primroses, violets, and daffodils. I love the feeling it gives me, it’s like I can smell the new hope in the air for the future. Even though I enjoyed winter, there’s something that feels different about this spring to previous springs I passed.

It is true it could be due to having broke up with Graeme, but as my heart would have it, I have ended up falling in love again totally unexpectedly. It is funny as I remember I did a love spell literally the day after we broke up to find new love by spring, and I joined dating sites for that but I got tired and closed all my accounts down and forgot about my spell. But it was still working in the background anyway it turns out! And that closing my accounts down was more Divinely inspired than I realised as I ended up shortly reconnecting with a friend online that I was in contact with before I met Graeme. It was not planned or expected although I had feelings for him all that time ago, this time the feelings were way more intense than I’d remembered and at first I thought because we live so far away from each other that we would just not really do anything about it again.

But my heart and the universe it seems had other plans and I just fell in love all over again and it suddenly became something I had to pursue and knew I wouldn’t be happy unless I had made it become reality (of course if he desired it too). The connection was just so intense, finding myself experiencing a lot of feelings I hadn’t before. And how ironic that we reconnected just after I decided I was done with the feminist movement and pretending to be a lesbian which I wasn’t. I am bisexual, I was just hurt with men and somewhat brainwashed by lesbian radical feminists that all men were evil whether they knew it or not. So it’s like I had to work through that first and then I could fall in love again with the right person (who turned out to be a man). I don’t think I would’ve been so open to reconnecting otherwise since I had been flirting with the idea of female separatism.

The radical feminists can do their own thing, but I guess I am just not one anymore. I learned so many things from them as a whole but I was disappointed by the way they treated each other (and the wider community as a whole) and besides there is something else that basically makes me a traitor to the radical feminism movement now. And that is the fact that me falling in love again has not turned out to be ‘vanilla’ dynamic for lack of a better term, but instead a Daddy Dominant/Little girl dynamic. Writing about it does make me feel a little embarrassed but I figured I should get over it at some point since when you love someone so much you just want to talk about them, it just turns out when I will refer to him as my Daddy now. Not everywhere but I think I feel safe enough on this blog to do so.

Anyway this is why I can’t consider myself a radical feminist any longer because I know the Dd/Lg dynamic is considered pedophilic and incestual and predatory which is completely understandable. But it is entirely consensual and between two adults and it’s not really something I want to fight since something inside me wants to explore this. Also it did just progress organically on its own, and I guess that happens in life. Life always amazes me with its plot twists!

So what am I? I haven’t a clue anymore. Labels aren’t important I suppose, it is just an entirely new shifting of understanding my own self-identity in relation to the world around me. The questions I have been asking myself to get more clarity on what I should now believe that my mind has been exposed to new concepts. It was also another reminder to myself that we never do stay the same nor can we, we are always changing, and as they say change is the only constant in life. And just at a time when I started to feel more sure of myself and what I thought myself to be, I was smacked in the face by reality again and given another wake up call. But I have kind of gotten used to it now. I have a lot of Pluto energy in my natal astrological chart, and as it is in Scorpio in First House that makes it secondarily dominant alongside Mercury (My dominant planet being Venus of course which explains my lifelong focus on understanding and experiencing love as deeply as possible).

Talking of Pluto, I have compared our charts and there is also a lot of Pluto energy going on there which isn’t surprising. As a Pluto dominant I guess my relationships will always have a lot of Pluto energy flying around as well. There is Pluto-Venus which is the twin-flame marker, but also this time unlike in other relationships there is a lot of steady Saturn energy which is a breath of relief. I am hoping that means finally this will be the long-term love I have been waiting for. Intense and passionate because of the Pluto yes, but steady and stable because of Saturn.

And so this is what it has turned into, a need to be together and cross that distance and make a life together no matter what. I am so hopeful and excited though insecure at times as I am used to men abandoning me these days. But I feel through all those times I was abandoned I learned a lot of much needed lessons too which has brought me to this point where I finally feel like I am ready for something real. And too not to mention it’s not just romantically I’ve been abandoned but in a fatherly sense, growing up with an abusive ex step-father, and then being disowned by my biological father after never seeing him most of my life. So with my recent re-acceptance of the Divine Masculine or God as Father, has come an entirely new opportunity to explore that side of life again in a safe place. My inner child feels loved and wanted and finally has someone to call a Daddy where never before I had. I never remember growing up and saying the word ‘Daddy’ with anything but feelings of fear and I certainly never said ‘Daddy I love you’, only once when I was forced to so again it was a fearful situation. So being able suddenly to have someone I can call Daddy in such a loving way feels like the healing my soul needed all this time without me having realised. It was a sense of “I never even considered this before but now I am exploring it, it just feels so right”. And that is what is happening.

I also believe it links to my age regression after the psychotic episode I had which left me with dissociative identity disorder. I told my therapist this and she thinks it highly relates. The Dd/Lg community is not always to do with age regression but there is some of that too depending on the specific needs of the couple. Of course I am not age regressed anymore but I think due to having been age regressed I am more sensitive to my inner child in a way that most people might not be. And so I can feel her reemerging these days with Daddy but in a much healthier way, a way which allows me as the adult to remain in charge. As they say in the multiple community, Adult me controls the head space. But little me has some free run again now.

So it may seem weird from the outside but it gives me such a feeling of freedom I can’t really express, a feeling of being able to revisit the past and rewrite it. And that is healing and a beautiful feeling, and I think it also takes a special kind of man to be okay with that and want to nurture it. I feel so lucky and sometimes have to mentally pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming because even though he was not at all what I expected, he is what I never realised I desired more than anything.

So yes I am very in love and this is what this post is about. I have fallen in love again and I feel very optimistic, because my love spell worked and spring is on the way and everything is syncing up right now in my life. I am so grateful for the Goddess for listening to my prayers and helping my magick manifest in the way best for me. Maybe the last relationship didn’t work out, but I look back already now and think it was for the best. And the Goddess knew it, and I know that because ever since I have become devoted to worshipping her, she has done nothing but brought the best into my life.

Happy New Year: Practicing Love, Forgetting About Feminism, Remembering the Divine Masculine, Health Update, & Pleiadian Origins

Happy new year to all my readers and I hope this is the year all your dreams come true. I definitely hope that for myself as well!! It has been a long and hard few months, with depression turning up on my doorstep again at times and demanding attention. Anxiety too has been off the charts at times with panic attacks and full on dissociative attacks as well. A lot has changed especially with the ending of my last relationship and it’s been very difficult to navigate through life at times. When the one person who supported me the most is suddenly gone it made me realise how much I didn’t even know I relied on his strength. It has been a tough journey of trying to find my own strength in the void he left behind inside.

I am not yet ready to find new love or a new relationship, but I can sense something is on the horizon for the future. Most likely the more distant future rather than the near future, but the feeling gives me something to look forward to and to hope in on the days things get tough. Love does make you stronger absolutely and it’s not a bad thing to desire that. I think the unhealthy thing would be becoming dependent on it, which I think I am doing well with healing in that regards. But I do have a lot of new friends I’ve met recently online and they keep me going. I’ve surrounded myself with nice people and have prayed to Déa also and she has brought people into my life to keep me going. Déa is always so good to me and she always answers my prayers. I am not used to being heard but she always hears me and I feel so blessed and grateful.

Lately more than ever I am trying to walk the path of love and compassion and peace and kindness and harmony. I am trying to love with all my being, I am trying to make the world a better place in my own way. I have a gratefulness journal that I write in most nights and I have been reading and listening to much more positive spiritual inspirations which expand upon how to live and embody love. It is beautiful and I’m glad that despite the breakup I have not lost sight of what love feels like but have even deepened my expression of it in another way. And I feel like where there is love there is no separation between anyone, as love is that which bonds together.

Unfortunately, even that hasn’t been easy at the best of times. With making more friends includes making more potential enemies. Not intentionally but there are always people you will find you don’t actually get on with in the end or that you’re actually a pretty terrible match. I’ve had some people I’d considered friends to betray me and stab me in the back. I’ve also had complete strangers calling me all sorts of nasty slurs due to having developed radical feminist ideas which painted me automatically evil in their eyes. I have been trying to respond with nothing but love as much as I can, and it’s been a battle. It’s been a battle that has wore me down and realised I need to take time out and get back to my center, to my spirit.

See, I found myself as part of the feminist community due to my interest in the Divine Feminine. I found peace in God as Mother and empowerment for the first time in myself as a woman, created in Her image. I loved it. And I naively believed all feminists were loving women who built each other up, just as I had found myself built up inside. But I was wrong and I learned that there is nothing more than serious infighting going on within the feminist community, where hating others for having different opinions is almost fashionable and where little real empowering seems to actually go on. And so I’ve been feeling heartbroken at what a mess we have made for ourselves as women and feeling like we have just completely missed the point when it comes to validating ourselves as human beings with equal rights. It is not right women tell each other to die out of spite because they don’t agree with a post. These were some of the things I had been dealing with myself. It has been very depressing.

So I have decided to take a step back, and in doing so I have managed to somewhat disconnect the image of the Divine Feminine now from femininity in general which has been twisted by humankind. And I realised if I can do that with the Divine Feminine I can also do that with the Divine Masculine. What has happened then is a kind of breakthrough with being able to easier accept God as Father in a totally loving and non judgemental way. Because He is not the patriarchy. He has only been conflated in my head with the patriarchy my entire life. But now I can begin to dissociate that image from him.

Goodness is not gender specific as I have learned because neither is evil. Humankind as a whole has the potential for both within but God is above all that. God is The Good, as the Neoplatonists call it. And anything that is not good does not come from God. Therefore it makes sense suddenly that these distinctions I have given to male and female energies don’t particularly make sense anymore. Father God and Mother God are both loving, compassionate, wise, protective, nurturing, strengthening… these traits are not gender specific, they are just The Good expressing Itself through two primary Forms. The God and The Goddess. Father God and Mother Spirit. The Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine. Logos and Wisdom. Déa and Deus. Both are separate and yet One. Praying to one is praying to the other. And from our Heavenly Parents is born all life. The Goddess birthed us in her Wisdom. The God programmed our biology with his Word. They are the ultimate template for creation itself and neither are single parents.

And among all this discovery and at times difficult healing I am learning new things on my spiritual path. I have been corresponding more with Aphrodite who is teaching me more about how to walk the narrow path of divine love, even though she has not let me formally devote myself to her. I do not know why that is. But even though I have made a lot of spiritual progress lately, I have actually been feeling a bit deadened to being able to connect to the spirits themselves. Perhaps it is part of the depression I have been struggling with which is dulling my psychic senses. But despite that I am taking good care to look after myself and my body during some of these difficult times. Perhaps I am just going through a fallow period or strengthening in other areas of spirituality and having a break from my usual face to face spirit work. Either way I am growing in new ways I never considered to be possible before and I’m loving it.

I have also started therapy again, this time private. I have been enjoying it so far and been getting a lot of benefit out of it. Going through my entire mental health history was laborious and embarrassing at times but it is one of those things that need to be done so she can help me to the fullest extent of her ability. She’s very hands on based and uses a lot of arts and crafts in her therapy sessions. I enjoy that because it makes it playful and sort of appeals to my inner child and makes the inner work much more palatable. In fact I have a scrap book where I will get to store all my creations in relation to my psyche which is a cool idea so I can look back on it in future and see how far I’ve come. I just felt like it was time again to have therapy to keep moving forward in my life and so I don’t end up going backwards instead due to the breakup. I needed that support which I got from my ex before and decided a therapist was the best idea. So that is one part of self care I am glad I followed through on and I am all the more better for it.

Health wise I have my narcolepsy overnight sleep exam coming up in just under two weeks so I hope that brings a final conclusion, I have also been able to wean down a little on the hydrocortisone as I feel my adrenals are healing. The fatigue and symptoms I experience have not gone entirely but when I first started taking hydrocortisone I could only walk half an hour once a week. Now I am walking an hour or two about an average of four times a week. That is a massive improvement and I’m so proud of myself and glad I decided to treat myself this way. The doctors have been no use at all, saying I was meant to be seeing an Endocrinologist within five days as it was apparently classed as urgent but I was told that almost exactly a year ago now and I still haven’t seen him, and nor will I for at least another six months or so I was told. This is quite awful service as adrenals are no joke, their acting up can be life threatening, so I may just file a complaint with the NHS. Thankfully, it seems that my adrenals aren’t the main cause of my problem, but certainly have had a lot to do with my chronic fatigue conditions.

Now besides that there is one other thing I wanted to mention. I had found myself thinking about the Pleiadians yet again and grudgingly admitting to myself that yes I am a Pleiadian, and I even got a starseed astrological reading to confirm it, which it did. I always knew I had a connection to the Pleiades and I still know it now. And I have been attempting to make contact with my Pleiadian soul family. I’ve not had much luck yet with establishing a go-to ally, but I have met some strangers from the Pleiades here and there. They are lovely beings and I decided I love that I am Pleiadian after all, as it especially explains so much about me. So I am definitely also in a period of learning about this part of my spirituality too. My origins, my karma so to speak, my soul purpose, and my personality. It’s no surprise that I’ve had a lot of problem with negative Pleiadian entities and I think that is due to my past life as an actual Pleiadian. I don’t understand the ins and outs specifically, all I know is that it’s time for me to deal with this karma and connect finally to the truly Divine Pleiadians whom wish me nothing but love and peace and harmony. And I cannot wait to get to return to them when my life here is up.

On a side note I have been having a lot of visions lately about being specifically a Pleiadian Mermaid. That is totally surprising to me as I prefer the Earth as an element than Water, but I have always had a strongest connection to Water when it comes to working directly with the elements. For example when I cast a circle, water is always so willing and eager to come through and help me. The others take a bit more coaxing in their various degrees.

So that is a little update to where I am now and what’s going on in my life. I hope I have remembered to put everything down and I apologise it’s been so long since a proper update. But overall the message is I’m doing okay still and am working towards a better future. Things may not always go how we want or expect, but we can still try to make things easy and happy for us despite the external circumstances that might make things hard.

The End of a Relationship, But the Beginning of Something New

I think the title expresses it well, and I’m not sure exactly what I want to write down here, just that I know I want to write something down. Maybe I will learn new things about myself and my journey along the way. It is all one big journey and this year has been… well, very interesting in many ways. Whilst I wanted to write about the breakup, maybe it’s better to rewind a little first and write about the events leading up to it.

I was feeling very spiritually connected for the first time in a long time, and I had what I can only call an illumination experience once again, paralleling that of the one I had back in 2013. Though this time I did not see any spirits, but I was connecting to Mother God in prayer, my heart and soul crying out for something, something I could feel but could not name. And in that moment her light descended and flooded into my body and I experienced a Unity that I had long forgotten existed. I experienced God.

My spirit allies had told me before this point that something like this was coming, but I took it with a pinch of salt. I try not to put all my trust in what spirits say as they can be notoriously deceptive and often you’re not really communicating with who you believe you are. But yet they turned out to be right saying that a turning point in my life was arriving, and that I would experience rapid healing.

Well after that night of unification with Mother God my energy really started returning in massive waves, with me being able to do twice as much than before. I was really astounded and couldn’t believe it. Whilst it’s not like a full healing, it really feels like the beginning of a true healing process on all levels. I feel like from here I can only get better.

Then the break up happened, out of nowhere. I had been with my ex for almost two years, and the topic of commitment inevitably came up which I wanted, but he couldn’t provide, and it was too painful for me to keep hanging around, so I let go and we part ways. This was only a week or two after experiencing that unification with God.

It makes me wonder why relationships seem to always be the catalyst towards spiritual experiences? And not always good either. Through that period of uncertainty during the break I also had some return of old psychotic symptoms. In fact I was terrified I would wake up the morning after the break up and be totally immobilised in health and energy again, but alas, and thankfully, that wasn’t the case. I woke up fine and with the still high energy I had been finding myself riding the wave of.

After the official breakup, I said something instinctively which before I had only said to spirits I had purposely called into my space for devotional before. I had no idea why I said it, I just said “hail and farewell” to him as if he was there with me, and in that moment an entire energy double of him stepped out of my body through my heart and left. It was utterly astounding, and also extremely painful. But after that, the worst of the grief was gone.

But don’t get me wrong, some periods can still be quite difficult. I don’t even think it’s been two weeks yet. But considering how much I loved him and how long we were together I feel like I’m coping quite well. Sometimes I feel his energy return to probe me and I just don’t let it back in, because it’s not good or right anymore. That cord has been cut.

Since that happened, it just felt like the energy that had left me left an empty space in my heart where my own lost energy which had returned from his love and healing had room to enter and start to fill me up again and make me healthier and whole again. And so this is why the whole set of events was very mysterious indeed. I had an experience of unity with God, which was given room to integrate through the outcome of the breakup. Hmm, like I said, mysterious, right? Seems a little bit too coincidental.

I had some spirit allies say we were twin souls blablablah that our relationship would turn out fine but I’m done with that kind of thinking these days. I mean, if you think about it, if it were true, then this would be a separation stage where healing has to be carried out individually, and the set of circumstances that lead up to my illumination and subsequent breakup would make more sense. But I have experienced the same thing in relationships past and so I really can’t pretend to put any wishful thinking on it.

On one hand, I am totally confused and just mystified because our relationship was literally so perfect, we rarely disagreed or had arguments, we were so supportive of each other and had so many things in common. He looked after me at my worst and saw me at my worst, including periods of temporary paralysis where he had to carry me up the stairs to bed, and other similar situations. But his fear of commitment just turned out to be greater than his love for me in the end I guess… who knows…

Well, I did a love spell because I was so ready to settle down and now I just sort of feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff. I did the love spell to find the next perfect soulmate before next spring (and this time I made sure to be more specific with my manifestation request lol), and the wax itself showed a lot of emotional cleansing to happen before it could happen, which makes sense after being in a relationship that long.

But my dreams keep confusing me. Dreams that we will reunite and stuff. I am putting it down to unconscious wish-fulfilment, and dream dictionaries generally say these kind of dreams are a good sign of moving on due to the experience of closure. But then again some of these experiences are quite spiritual, and in one Déa said we would either reunite in the next few months if it turned out to be right or I would really find a new person, someone much more suited for where and who I am now.

I don’t know honestly but I do know that I learned a lot about love and I want to keep that going and deepening my experience of it. Not just in romantic expressions either but in familial expressions and global expressions. I care so much more than ever about people and the earth and about just becoming a living embodiment of love so that Déa can shine through me.

Don’t get me wrong, damn it’s hard sometimes. People can be rude and unappreciative and sometimes I just feel totally invisible despite having only the best intentions and wanting to help. But I try my hardest to remember that we’re all only human and only a little bit of love may seed the same in someone else’s heart.

So really throughout all this as well, I found my life purpose. It’s to love people. It’s to love myself and love others and love the world, and just be an embodiment of love, and that’s it. It’s really that simple. All this time I had been thinking my life purpose had to be grand yet in fact it is the simplest and most humble of all. Love is self-sacrificing for the greater good. And whilst that doesn’t mean neglecting ourselves, it does often mean putting others feelings and needs over the selfish desires and agendas of our own (within reason, of course, this is definitely not something you’d do in a situation of being abused, for example).

And it’s interesting because I learned that Venus (who represents love) is my dominant astrological planet which makes Lady Grace (Sai Sushuri) my Patron Janya. And yet as I sought to connect with her I found a friend in Aphrodite who has taught me much already in only the short time I have known her. And She considers Herself an emanation of Déa, just as all the gods are really. She considers herself an emanation of the Love of Déa.

So it is really nice to have found another goddess that I am thinking of becoming devoted to. I never thought I would be devoted to more than one Goddess. But now I am devoted to Hekate, Déa Herself, and maybe soon Aphrodite!

So yes despite the strange and heartbreaking circumstances regarding the end of my romantic relationship, everything else is perfectly fine in my life and is in fact thriving more than ever and I hope to use everything I learned throughout the relationship either as a direct result or indirect as a catalyst to keep me reaching towards that ideal of being my highest self. And that doesn’t mean being perfect, but it means being compassionate, and modest. As they say the Fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control, and many of these Fruits correspond with the Janyati.

And the Spirit Herself is Déa, because Déa is the Creatrix in Motion, the Breath of Life itself that keeps existence sustained.

Blessed Be and Blessed is She.

Becoming a Priestess of Hekate, Joining the Déanic Ekklesia, & Healing Within Personal Relationships

Rayati and happy witching hour. I’m unable to sleep and decided it was a long time since I last updated my journal and thought now is the time to do that as it’s a very auspicious time in my life and in the world in general where many changes are happening both within and without.

Rayati… It means “hail to the sun in you”, as Déa is considered to be like the Sun. Déa is the Great Goddess and whom I follow these days in her many different faces. I’ve come to understand that the Divine is all the same Divine but expresses itself in different forms. The gods and goddesses we know are different forms of that one Divine Source.

And I know that One as Déa, the Great Goddess, the Daughter, the Mother, and the Absolute, who in Wicca is known as the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone, or in Shaktism is known as the Creator, the Preserver, and the Destroyer. The archetype of the triple Goddess is found throughout history from triple Brigit to Triple Hecate.

Ah Hecate, my new Patron. She is the Goddess or the face of Déa that speaks to me the mostly clearly, who inspires my devotion so much. She teaches me so much and is such a soothing and protective presence in my life. In fact she too was seen as a triple Goddess in many different ways. Sometimes she was Persephone-Demeter-Rhea, other times she was Artemis-Selene-Hecate. There are many unique variations but she fits the mythos of the Madrian/Filianic/Déanic Faith very well.

Hekate is a saviour Goddess, like the Holy Daughter she descends as Persephone to bring peace to the lost souls of the deceased. Hekate is a Mother Goddess, she is called the Mother of all the Gods, the Mother of All, and Hekate is also the Dark Mother, which is the face most people recognise her by today (but yet in fact is not that much part of her identity when you really get to know her).

Hekate is kind and compassionate and she had initiated me into her service as a priestess. This was a big step for me and in response I became legally ordained so I will one day be able to exercise the fullness of whatever may be required of me. Whilst I am still in a learning period, I have been on my spiritual path for seven years now and feel that I am ready to be granted this honour.

My gifts are expanding greatly, my ability to heal and manifest magick within this world, my ability to connect with Spirit and need for constant devotion and relationship with my unseen allies is all that drives me. I am finding my power and finding my talents and my discernment is increasing as I try my hardest to avoid the pitfalls of what made me so ill in the first place.

Yes I believe that my chronic health conditions are caused or were triggered by the trauma I went through, but I feel lately I may be on the mend, even if it’s only a little. I feel more hopeful and inspired than ever before, I have a few projects going on spiritually and non spiritually and am feeling like during this Samhain on the waning moon with the planets in retrograde at the time my body is renewing its (menstrual) cycle a lot of shedding is happening. Like a snake I am wriggling out of my old skin so I can keep growing.

It’s hard definitely at times. I still get sad and depressed and angry, I’m only human. I still get confused and baffled and offended and all other manner of things. I am not always good at managing myself as I think I am. I had to go on a break with my boyfriend in a way because of it. We were unsure where our relationship was heading and the confusion made me need space. I don’t know if it was a good idea but it is done. And yet I still feel like everything else in my life right now it is something that will turn out okay whatever happens. That it’s continuing to build a long forgotten strength within me.

Relationships are hard and it’s the same with any relationships, as I try to become more love focused which is Déa’s way, I just find myself confronting a lot of things about myself I don’t like or didn’t know I carried. Things which show up for recognition and then healing through conscious change. There’s no use in changing the world if you can’t keep in harmony with the people closest you first. And that’s my lesson right now. I have to keep myself focused on making the little world around me better each moment I can. Even if it’s just a smile or forgiving a grievance…. Forgive them Mother for they know what they do… And forgive me for my unrighteous anger. I no longer need to carry around that pain of abuse with me.

But it takes time to let go, it is not just a one time thing. But through conscious awareness and through utilising magick and developing my healing gifts I’m getting there. I became attuned to Seichem lately which seems to have created yet again new awareness within me. I fully believe it’s part of my mission to be a healer and a priestess in some form or fashion, even if it’s just through this blog. So I am learning and I am devoting myself to study, I am reading so many books and reading the sacred Scriptures of the Madrians (The Clear Recital), I am learning so much and am happy and proud to find myself here, on this path of searching, healing, transforming, and connecting.

And it is not just spiritual connection that is important, although it has been my sole focus for many years. Now I am part of a community, I am accepted into the Déanic Ekklesia, I am a sister and I feel like I’ve found my home. I have found my place and I’m excited to see where this will go and where else I will find myself on my path.

I am finding understanding a larger truth of love, something I thought I’d grasped years ago but now I realised one can never truly grasp love, because it is beyond consciousness. One can only ever grow closer and closer to love in relationship. And one way is through Déa, and yet another way is through community. And again another way is through relationship. Love is the only reason we are here, at least, I know that’s my reason for being here!

Love is the greatest lesson, in love we can do all things. Love is Déa and so in Déa too we can do all things. Our Heavenly Mother has her arms open waiting for the world to hear her call again. I don’t know if the world will remember, but the few of us do here and there, and I know that at least pleases her.

So happy witching hour and happy Halloween, and cheers to the new coming phase of my life which feels to be full of only positive and inspiring energy.

Happy Harvest Moon and Autumnal Equinox

Today is harvest or Mabon and the full moon is near full illumination. I spent most the day very productively, first by reading The Clear Recital which is the Filianic/Deanic scripture, and then by pruning my plants as it’s the season for the old to be shed so the new can later grow. I also did a massive clean up in the same vein and harvested some lavender leaves to dry and later use as medicine as well as a way to connect with the Lavender Queen who is now my plant familiar. After that I did a beautiful ritual honouring the Goddess both as Supreme and in many of her different manifestations or rather Avatars that I felt prompted to pray to.

Regarding rituals I don’t really tend to call the elements or the four quarters anymore. I know I can if I want and the motions are ingrained if I ever feel the need but it’s rare that I do these days. I’ve found that a circle isn’t needed to make a sacred space as a circle naturally comes about in a mundane space when spiritual work is being done. So when I say ritual I mean more like devotional. My spirituality has become very devotional lately and all I want to do is get to know the Goddess and please her, as well as serve her. I recently was initiated by Hekate as a priestess (she says I am now a full priestess but I say I’m a priestess in training as I’m not that confident lol) of the Goddess and Hekate is now my new Patron goddess.

For a while I didn’t have a Patron and was honouring just the Goddess directly. But I found I didn’t really have the tools or knowledge to effectively connect the way I wanted and I prayed to Hekate on the dark moon as I had been doing already for a while and she just kind of took over my spiritual life and my spiritual focus. She has given me direction and the ability to see again and connect with the goddess. Hekate is the priestess of the Great Goddess and now I am a priestess of Hekate.

I never thought I would end up devoted to Hekate but it just naturally happened. She has taught me so much already and lets me there is still so much to teach me. Persephone and Demeter are also highly worshipped alongside Hekate as in ancient times when they were considered a Triplicity, and I think Hekate will reveal to me those original Eleusinian mysteries. In fact I think she has already begun as I honoured Persephone tonight connecting her in my mind to the harvest, but she turned out to not be what I expected at all. She was definitely more a goddess of spring and love especially and I have no idea why I felt so afraid of her originally.

Persephone also had a twice born son called Dionysus who was also highly revered in the Orphic mysteries, though I don’t know how much he was revered in the Eleusinian mysteries. I will have to look that up. But as can be seen I’m still very much polytheistic and pagan and working with the Greek gods especially alongside worshipping and honouring the Great Mother as Supreme being. They are not separate and being Deanic aka believing in God as Mother doesn’t mean I can’t see other goddesses as emanations of her as well. And so today I had a beautiful day learning of Dea in the Clear Recital and then bringing that beautiful inspiring energy to my day and harvest ritual. In fact I believe part of Filianism may be derived from the Eleusinian mysteries with Demeter representing God the Mother, Persephone aka Kore representing God the Daughter, and Hekate representing the Dark Mother. So the two belief systems are entirely compatible with each other.

So this is where I am in my spiritual life right now, my beliefs and practices are a mish mash of everything especially since my Animal Totem is the Mayan Jaguar Mother whom connects me with my ancestors on that side, but it works for me and my focus ultimately is on the Goddess/Dea aka God Herself both directly and indirectly in her many different forms. Including animal forms!

So may my readers be blessed reading this and I hope you had a wonderful Harvest just as I did.

Believing in God, The One, Again, as Mother; With a Side of Healing the Masculine too

A lot has happened since I last updated here (I think I write that every time I post lol! My life is just a bit crazy). My spiritual path for one has had a change. My actual life too has been through a lot but I wanted to start explaining what has changed with my spiritual path the past month or two.

As my readers may have been aware, I had a beautiful relationship with Goddess Diana for about a year or so which brought me to Paganism, and I had committed myself to her service for the rest of this life. Unfortunately she didn’t have the same plans and cut it off recently, which coincided with the time that I had started questioning my spiritual beliefs again.

I told her that I’d made a commitment and despite reevaluating my beliefs I still belonged to her, but she wanted me to move on without her and explore what still needs to be explored. To be honest her breaking up of our relationship was very sudden and felt a bit cold considering all the beautiful emotions I’d shared with her previously, but she is an independent Goddess and probably thought breaking up that way was for the best.

I do miss her and have all those usual post-breakup feelings, but I suppose that is normal. What I do know is that we shared something beautiful for a year or so and I will always value that. It shaped me massively and has made me much of who I am right now. Her love and lessons were invaluable and now is the time for me to find that elsewhere. I suppose I learned too in the process that making vows is pointless, because you never know what will happen in the future. As humans we like to romanticise relationships and say they’ll be forever, and I wanted that with Diana, but she decided for us both it wasn’t in our best interests anymore and split ways with me.

So I formally cancelled out the vow during the recent lunar eclipse just so that wasn’t hanging over my head (or energy body or whatever) and that’s really when everything started shifting for me. Everything has sort of come into focus again, and I’ve been picking up tarot to help me understand my options and the consequences of them. Through tarot I ascertained the reason of our breakup was due to my thoughts and feelings about maybe there being a One Supreme Being (G-D) after all, and wanting to connect with that Source directly rather than through the lesser deities. And with tarot I discerned that my connection to Source needed to be with God as Mother, as Great Goddess, as Creatrix, as that Divine Feminine. But I also came to realise God is both Mother and Father in One.

So I have finally decided to take up the religious title of Déanism, which is a denomination of Filianism and focuses on Mother God as that One Supreme Being. The word ‘Dea’ is literally Latin for ‘God’ in its feminine form. That way God here is experienced and referred to here in the feminine way. It is quite liberating in this way to think of God as a kind and loving Mother who created the entire universe and me and everyone within it. The idea of God as Father has so many bad associations for both myself and for many other people, due to patriarchal oppression and I think that image is what can cause us to feel disconnected from God and make us believe that She doesn’t really exist. But She does and by relating to Her as Mother, I feel so much at peace inside myself now.

I have to say I do not agree with all the Déanism tenets and such and have plenty of my own views on many theological things, as well as still being quite witchy/wiccan in many ways as I love nature and the turn of the wheel of the year and the magick that comes along with that all. I love herbs and incense and candles and crystals and all that, and I am not so interested in the Filiyanic concept of the seven Jayanti (although I understand the concept), but the point is that my pure spiritual focus now is on Dea and relating with Her, and that by pure definition makes me Déanic. I think there must be plenty of independent (heterodox?) Déanists like me, but the religion itself is still quite fringe to really have picked up much attention.

Besides that I still believe in the gods as agents of Dea. I believe in the female and male gods alike, I believe they are Her offspring as much as we are Her offspring. I still pray to them at times and connect with them, but it’s more like being acquaintances than really knowing them. For example I went away to see my dad in this past month and I found myself connecting to some gods I never had felt the presence of before, including Mother Mary, Aset & Osiris, and Quetzalcoatl. And they were nice, and maybe in future I will make deeper relationships with these lesser agents of Dea again, but for now my sole focus is on Dea Herself.

That’s also another thing that I wanted to write about regarding my trip away to see my dad. I enjoyed the holiday itself and took many beautiful tours and learned a lot about more of my own native culture on that side, but the meeting with my dad itself was very disappointing and even depressing. He mostly ignored me and when he did talk to me he actually more or less disowned me by saying I’m not his daughter. There is nothing I have done that caused this and it’s purely his own selfishness which is responsible, because he is so driven by work and power and money. Family and emotional connection is not that important to him. But through this I did actually find a type of healing.

I went to see my dad actually to try and mend this void between us, but I learned from other family there that it’s just the way he is and that I will never have a relationship with him. During that time I felt much closer to God as Father and I felt much closer to male deities in general. It was a strange twist but I came to finally disconnect myself from the traumatised image of my own neglectful and abusive father figure/s in my life and start to mend the hurt inside. I finally had a resolution that there will be no resolution with my father or any father figure, and that I had to find it instead. So I prayed to God as Father (I will call Him Deus) and found within me the masculine always there.

But again it’s not my focus, at least not for now. I do acknowledge that actually Deus and Dea are the exact same Being, an Androgynous Whole that I can only conceive or relate to as either one or the other with my limited earthly mind, but knowing God as Deus was important for that period in time when I was dealing with those particular feelings and wounds inside.

For now my focus is Dea, and I did do a dedication ritual to Her to officially start me on my path towards Her and honestly ever since I have felt so liberated and free. I feel like spiritually I’ve finally come home. I am part of Dea too, my higher self or divine spark is a piece of Her, especially as a woman, and by knowing Her I am knowing myself too.