Mid-Jan Update: Switching Website Servers and Health Troubles: Nearly Dying for the Nth Time and Resulting Mental Health Upset and Spiritual Confusion, But the Gods Have my Back

My Public Journal

Good evening to my followers. I should start out by mentioning that I’m changing servers. I was on a dedicated host but it was costing me a fortune – to be fair when I signed up originally I didn’t realise it was on sale and that the full price the year after was much more (nearly £250). But back then I didn’t have bills to pay, so I kept the server. But now, unfortunately, or fortunately depending on the point of view, I do have bills to pay, so therefore cannot afford to continue paying that price just for a website. So I have been in the process of transferring my site over to a much less expensive WordPress site, which doesn’t quite lend the creative freedom I am used to (and am disappointed to learn I can’t use the professional theme I actually previously bought, on a non-professional plan), but oh well, it’s the ‘price’ of saving money, lol. So in case there are any glitches with the switch over, that is why, and I also hope all my awesome followers continue to receive email notifications when I update.

I just thought I’d get that out of the way, in case anyone wonders why I haven’t been updating in a while. I’ve gotten used to updating little notes rather than huge journal entries like this one will be, and it feels comfortable and maybe preferable. But there is still a purpose for these great long journal entries!

I will just say that I have no idea what my last journal entry was about. I assume it was before I ended up in hospital, because since then I’ve been too ill to do much like write a huge journal entry. That said, I’m starting to come round. For those that don’t follow me on Twitter, I will recap the events:

I was making some cannabis oil (attempt number #2) when I suddenly lost consciousness, and kept coming round and losing consciousness every few seconds. This has happened to me once before, a couple of years ago when I had also used cannabis (but before I grew it myself), but I didn’t come to any conclusion as to what had occurred. This second time round I assumed it was because I’d been on the phone to Graeme (my ex [before I learned I am actually a lesbian] and probably the only healthy influence in my entire life) catching up after two years of silence and becoming friends again, which maybe caused some kind of strange dissociative seizure in response. However, a dissociative seizure doesn’t last two whole days. I was taken to hospital under assumption it was an adrenal crisis, with the end verdict being that the adrenal crisis was secondary to whatever else was going on, which they assumed was stress. However, they probably saved my life with all that cortisol and saline fluid, and monitoring me overnight. What I only just learned is that amitriptyline can be extremely dangerous taken with cannabis due to the effects on the heart (noted by my tachycardia of 170bpm), which can cause myocardial infarction (fancy speak for heart attack) and stroke. So basically, I’d had a deadly drug interaction.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t look this up beforehand – I came to remember that I did, but didn’t pay any attention to it, LOL. After all, you’re not supposed to drink alcohol with amitriptyline anyway, but I do. My doctor said it was fine in small quantities. And I believe with the cannabis it’s fine in small quantities (specifically the THC), but that week leading up to being taken to hospital I had been vaping heavily due to myofascial pain preventing me from sleeping, and I believe that day I’d accidentally inhaled a lot of activated cannabis every time I opened the oven to check on the decarbing to make the oil. It’d gotten to the point I had so much THC in my system… all hell broke loose, and my liver couldn’t process both cannabis and amitriptyline simultaneously because they require the same enzymes… and the rest is history. I also believe it depends on personal physiology too. I’ve never had this with alcohol, and I’ve certainly been drunk a couple of times (only a couple, lol! Thanks gastritis for that). And some people are completely fine with amitriptyline and cannabis together. Then again, they may not accidentally overdose like I seem prone to.

However, after that happening twice now (the first time I had also accidentally overdosed on cannabis) and due to the danger and risk, I have learned my lesson and am never doing it (taking cannabis/THC) again. I cannot get off the amitriptyline – I have tried, and I was doing well up until the hospital incidence, but now I’m back to square one with the drug interaction having completely thrown my body’s balance off. I’ve had so many strange symptoms and health complaints since, and have had to go back up on amitriptyline as a result, which is helping.

So that leaves me with the question of what to do with all this cannabis I am currently growing?! Well, thankfully, I found someone who will be willing to buy it all, which will certainly make up for all the expensive growing equipment I invested in. After that I’m going to grow pure hemp or basically what are CBD strains of cannabis. I have ordered Charlotte’s Web which is a medical strain and has less that 0.3% THC in, which shouldn’t be nearly enough to trigger a drug interaction, even over time with it building up in my system. If I can find any strains with even less THC than that, it will be ideal. I still go through a lot of CBD oil, needing the minimum of 10% (1000mg) which is about £60 per 30ml bottle… very expensive! So I can grow my own. So I will still be growing cannabis… just the CBD version! It is a potent, wonderful medicine, either way.

However, the emotional effects of my being taken to hospital I feel were much more devastating to me, especially right before Christmas and the New Year. I cannot explain just how alone I felt, especially when my sister did not come over on the night I was being taken to hospital, even after the paramedics called her. Because of my belief it was dissociative she assumed I was fine, and not actually probably dying. Having mental health illness – sometimes you do end up going into hospital feeling like you’re dying but it’s just an anxiety attack or psychosis – she is used to that from me in the past, unfortunately. Which made me question myself and realise I have to take myself much more seriously, because if I had, she may have done too. Regardless, she wasn’t there for me, she offered no help at all during or after I was discharged, and I was left absolutely exhausted and bedbound for a good week or two and having to look after my dog (my one friend in this village who takes my dog out on the weekends came for her and looked after her whilst I was in hospital).

Suffice to say – I was just extremely depressed as a result of all that. Completely alone, no family there for me, no friends beside the one who took my dog overnight (I am very grateful for that though!), and extremely weak and drained mentally and physically. And THEN I had to deal with Christmas! Let’s just say when you have PTSD, holidays are not fun. You remember all the previous years that were a shit show. And this was my first Christmas completely alone since I’d cut off my mother and in the process the entire rest of my maternal family. My father as usual did not contact me. I could be dead for all he knows and I doubt he’d care that much. Everything just… felt so dark, after so much progress healing, and it just sent my entire faith into crisis. The gods were there for me sure but… I started dissociating badly and my good old friend psychosis started to return. To be honest, looking back, psychosis had been there flirting with me on and off the past few months since I lowered my amitriptyline dose anyway, and I was aware of that at the time (I am always highly cautious of it, because psychosis is not fun), but I think by the turn of January I was just fed up and was like, “that’s it, I’m dumping spirituality”.

I’ve been reassessing my faith a lot. What I came to realise is that I have an atheist alter who has always appeared during times of psychosis in order to protect me from getting wrapped up in the imagery and hallucinations disguised as visions. It’s both a gift and a curse being a ‘seer’, because you never know what you’re gonna get, and I had been reassessing my beliefs a lot. Like for example the fact that my propensity to see things (visions, hallucinations) comes from my highly religious mother with clearly undealt with mental health illness who basically taught me through example to fear them and use obsessive devotion to stave them off. So I had been asking myself, am I just on some level copying her out of a malformed trauma response? A handed down coping mechanism? Did I take that obsessive devotion and shift it from Christianity to Paganism and call it a day thinking I was different from her and had really changed and healed? How could I trust the gods were real in that case? And like many of my alters created to protect me from her, my atheist alter was asking these questions of me also in attempt to protect me against continuing that cycle of toxic faith, in whatever its form…

But… too many coincidences have happened where I believe the gods have been doing their upmost best (for some reason, I honestly never know why they are so good to me, I am honestly just a no one) to get some sense into me, and despite the pain, through it all (not as a result of, let me make that clear) been showing me so many new things I never knew and saw before. For example, I’d never have known what landed me in hospital was a drug interaction unless someone had offhandedly inquired, “maybe it was a drug interaction”, which I thought was silly… until I looked it up, and it all made sense and brought me back to my centre. Or, I’d never have learned that there is actually scientific evidence consciousness exists beyond the brain somehow, even if it’s not understood, unless a random Netflix documentary was presented to me which usually I’d have no interest in (‘Surviving Death’,). As if the gods were trying to nudge me in the right direction, after I’d made up my mind again (or the atheist alter had) that I was totally done with it all again and everything was just down to my mental and physical health. OR! I’d never have learned I actually have undiagnosed inattentive ADHD??? This is absolutely massive. It explains so much of my struggles in moving forward in my life. Or I’d never have seen the doctor about my nerve pain, which turns out is actually myofascial pain syndrome which I was working on previously and got a real professional opinion on (not really a diagnosis, but close enough). I’d also never have upped my amitriptyline again, being too stubborn for it, unless the gods explicitly made me aware that they are not science deniers and that I actually need the medicine to be physiologically balanced and thereby able to be more receptive to them (fancy that, when the rest of the spiritual community seems to think that such necessary medicines make you less receptive) and thereby was causing my own feelings of detachment from them.

And I’d never have learned I have an atheist alter protecting me, but also spiritual alters whom I identify with but who aren’t actually me (this was made clear when I sat down at my altar intending to make an awkward speech to the gods about how I’m not sure I believe anymore but then what happened instead was the usual self-assured rituals, my mouth and body working apart from my own thoughts and goals). I have always known I have very spiritual alters, but this was the first time I really noticed them as separate to my own identity. So, suddenly, I am aware of this dynamic going on in me, and the fact both alters were already happily mediating their differences without my help. But it always helps to be made consciously aware.

Basically what I am saying is that, despite the dire circumstances I’ve felt to be in lately, it just seems like the gods are there, reminding me of their much greater view point and informed and educated opinion and trying to lead me towards that. And honestly, like I said, I don’t even know why they do… I have such low self-esteem, I struggle to believe they really care for me, but their actions prove it, especially during a time where I’ve had absolutely no one to show me through actions their love. The gods have been doing it for me in their own way best they can instead. And honestly, I don’t know what to say, other than thank you…

This is probably not the end of the mental struggle for me, but I also came to realise something else extremely important in regards to my sexual dysfunction and trauma and it seems to have shifted something massive since. In essence, sexual activity is one of the most intimate and loving practices one can engage in. But, I have this alter called ‘the Monster’ who is the absolute embodiment of self-hatred, and for years I honestly feared I was possessed due to him (thanks mother for the religious abuse that made me believe that). But funnily enough, through the appearance of Kylo Ren as an alter and manifestation of this angry sub system (the guy is full of self-hatred, if it’s not obvious!) I came to identify that self-hatred has actually been the problem, and it’s so intense it has often felt like it will kill me if it ‘gets out’. And yet, funnily enough all that rage makes one extremely exhausted (parallels with my chronic fatigue?) that the Monster is usually sleeping, lol! So he can’t really do much damage. Not until he wakes up and decides to let all hell loose. And what I didn’t realise is that my habitual dissociating during ‘me time’ was an attempt of my system to prevent him from waking up, because of course during a moment requiring so much self-love, he would rise, triggered, to make sure that doesn’t happen.

“Darkness rises, and light to meet it”

– Star Wars, The Last Jedi

I am very good at self-care and self-love, I’ve had many years to develop the practice, because no one else has loved me and I’ve had to do it all myself, lol. But this is on a very deep unconscious level, which is now coming to light. And as a result… the dissociation and self-hatred during those ‘me time’ moments seem to have just vanished. The angry sexual alters are no longer hurting me or the body, and I seem to be feeling much more physical sensation (this was a problem, I couldn’t feel anything physically unless it was extreme to the point of hurting myself… it’s not a good way to relieve yourself of stress, more like create more stress).

I grew up in such a sexually repressed household, religiously abused and demonised, homophobic environment… and that’s on top of possible sexual abuse that I don’t consciously remember but my body seemed to react to as if it was really happening, 25 years later.

In essence… goodness, I have felt so down and depressed, but through it have learned so much thanks to the gods continuing to pester me through their love (very grateful for it) despite my doubt and confusion.

Writing all this, I feel somehow clearer, and I wrote tonight specifically because I felt all the pieces come together in my mind and wanted to get them down before they vanish.

I’ve been through too much pain, and my body is punishing me for trauma I never deserved. I don’t know if it will ever recover, these are literally physiological scars that will always be with me, leaving me perhaps physically impaired for the rest of my days compared to able people. And that too is depressing…

But I am nothing if not a warrior, a fighter, a survivor. I have myself, I have the gods… and I have all the wonderful people and friends I’ve met and made on the internet lately, who are godsends. Even though I have nearly no one in real life… I have never felt more supported than I do now.

So I want to thank each and everyone of you who have read this, and lend me strength and support, either indirectly or directly.

I also want to end this by thanking Selene and Nyx. Two goddesses who have been my biggest supporters during these dark times. The goddesses of darkness themselves.

May you all be blessed 🙏

Healing, Healing, Healing

My Public Journal

I realised the other day I haven’t updated my journal since July! I usually try to write one for each festival of the wheel of the year, but I think I’ve been slacking off lately, haha. But as usual so much has happened, I’m not even sure where to begin recounting.

I read back through my previous journal and see a lot was in relation to gender and sexual identity, to be honest, not much has changed but I’ve taken the process of questioning internally since I realised I don’t need any external validation for it. As a result I feel I have come to a quiet place of self-acceptance with it all, even though I don’t have a label for any of it. Having some kind of one word label just for others is a bit boring now I think of it. Sexuality and gender are complex and messy and not always binary or linear. And certainly with new revelations that have come to light through some freaking intense shadow work where I went to a very hellish place for a good month or so around September and by the end of it all learned or rather remembered I really was raped as a young child and am amnesiac of that fact and then had to relive the trauma of that…. for the second time because I didn’t believe it the first time round, and then came to learn Asmodeus is not my persecutor but in fact my protector to make sure I don’t remember or at least believe any of it really happened…. yeah.

I have a lot of rage and pain deep within me that I’m finally unearthing now I have the freedom and space to do so living alone away from continuing psychological and religious abuse. To be honest, I haven’t really had much choice anyway thanks to covid and lockdown and being basically in self-isolation since March because I’m classed as vulnerable with my Addison’s disease (a diagnosis I STILL question the validity of… more on that later). But with the help of psychotherapy via Zoom and meditation and studying further into healing practices such as Myofascial Trigger Point Therapy I have been really releasing a lot of it, and I am starting to feel like an entirely new person.

Basically what I have learned through this entire process is just how disconnected my mind is from my body, and in a sense I am able to see my own mind clearer (funnily because it takes the mind to visualise something, no? Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am”, comes to mind) and I find myself in awe at just how extensive my mental world is. I certainly don’t think all of that mental activity is meant to interface with the body, but for sure there is so much disconnection and dissociation from the body, and the process of repairing that has been happening for me these past few months. And in that process emotions must be felt, and they must be felt within the body as the chronic pain which has been plaguing me for years. This chronic pain turns out to have crystallised as hard inflamed knots within the muscles known as myofascial points, you know… the hard knots you feel being worked during a massage, those same ones! And I have been working on physically deactivating them and releasing the associated unprocessed traumatic memories and emotions held within them.

If there is one major lesson I have learned from all this learning to be present with my body, it’s that I have not been present with it because the accumulated physical pain is just too intense for me, the physical pain triggered by all the emotional pain and traumas I went through. But now I am learning to be present with it, I see the pain was never some kind of condition or disorder or whatever the doctors have diagnosed me with. Through being present with it and working to relax and release that physical tension in and around the muscles and myofascia, my chronic migraine frequency has reduced to 25%, my sciatica is no longer a problem, and idiopathic hypersomnia? I do not remember the last time I needed to take a nap during the day. I am awake, alert, and more pain free than I’ve been in years, all without needing the strong painkillers I was on beforehand. Furthermore, I finally had a gastroscopy and it turns out there is nothing physically wrong with my stomach, and since learning that, the gastric pain has funnily also reduced to about 25% what it was. Not to say the gastric pain is not triggered by the use of steroids (the doctor considered it functional, which means basically sensitive with no medical explanation), but it seems a large part of that has also been stress and trauma-rooted.

On top of that, I have finally managed to reduce my steroid dose to lowest it’s been in years. I have come to realise my dose was always much higher than it should’ve been because my body was always stressed, essentially constantly in habitual fight or flight mode and always needing extra steroids than normal to get through the day as a result. Now I am releasing the stress my body does not need as much (which is also good news for my stomach). Which has me again asking the old question of: Do I really have Addison’s disease or is it just this mass of chronic physical stress with the steroids having a mild anti-inflammatory effect on the body? I don’t know if I’ll know either way. An MRI showed my adrenals to now be atrophied which means they are small and don’t work. If I really have Addison’s disease they truly will never work again because they are destroyed and all I can do is continue releasing my stress so I can maintain a nice low dose of steroids, however if I don’t have Addison’s disease I am not sure they would reawaken now (for those who don’t know how it works, taking steroids will cause your adrenals to stop working because they no longer need to provide the steroid themselves, and this causes secondary adrenal insufficiency in patients who are on long term steroid treatment, as opposed to Addison’s disease which is primary adrenal insufficiency and caused by the immune system attacking and killing the adrenal glands).

Either way, whilst I could have regrets in regards to treating myself with steroids and being dependent on them, I’m hoping for the best and having faith in the healing process and believe spirit is showing me further stops along the way necessary to fully embodying the healer. That quote in the bible always comes to mind: “healer, heal thyself”. I am the wounded healer, I was broken and shattered absolutely to learn to put myself back together so one day I can do the same for others. And hopefully that one day may be soon. I was hoping to start offering energy healing sessions at the beginning of the year after first moving out but it’s clear I needed to learn much more still. I feel that I shouldn’t let my mentality of “there’s still so much for me to learn” prevent me from healing when I’m already very skilled, but as it happens I don’t get to choose the timing, spirit does. So I am going with the flow, and hoping to figure it out by the beginning of spring 2021. I will say one thing about offering healing sessions though – I will not be charging extortionate prices. I know the value of my work, I also know that sick people are also usually poor. Otherwise they wouldn’t be sick (let’s face it, anyone can easily figure out that finances and health are largely entwined). It is an exchange of energy, but I’m not going to kill people in the process with my fees, lol. Honestly it blows my mind why anyone would need to charge more than £60 an hour for healing. I have seen some prices of ‘well known’ healers be up to £125 an hour. How is that justified? Well, I’m not them, so that’s not for me to figure out. But I’d imagine it’s unconsciously modelled upon the American healthcare system which charges you an arm and a leg for literally anything. An ambulance ride just to the actual hospital? You’re looking at a thousand dollars. Meanwhile healthcare in the UK is free (but it’s also not that good, lol, as is obvious by my own ‘diagnoses’ and lack of proper investigation into them, just given pills and told to go home).

Anyway I ramble. I feel that I’m very much the stereotypical Virgo who is basically the archetypical goddess of healing, and let’s not forget Hermes the ruler of Virgo who is the essentially the shaman who walks between worlds. That is who I am and am meant to embody in this life, the shamanic healer, especially with my Virgo sun residing in the twelfth house which is the realm of the unconscious and humanity as a collective. But there is a process and the need to be sensitive to flow and timing.

I have also been growing my own cannabis and succeeded with my first harvest. Cannabis is definitely a fussy plant to grow that is for sure, but I enjoy it immensely, it is so rewarding. The cannabis plant has been vital actually in much of my healing these past few months, and the depths she’s taken me to in that process. Cannabis is a wonderful shamanic plant, and she gives you what you ask for. She’s been described by others as a ‘shadow worker’, she embodies darkness which if unhealed can manifest in depression and psychosis, but if worked with can bring the light of consciousness in. I feel like if I had the perfect world job it would be growing this medicine for people to sell, but where I am it is still illegal and I just grow for personal use which is not legal but not illegal either.

In fact for me cannabis is the world tree, her roots descend into darkness and her branches into light, and her leaves number seven which is that sacred number which correspond with many things but most notably for me the main energy centres within the body. The world tree after all being ultimately within us, that bridge between the three worlds, Cannabis opens the gates to that experience within the psyche and spirit.

I also find myself feeling similar lately about cocoa which is basically dark chocolate! It has also become a potent medicine for me.

What can I say but that everything, literally everything I do in my life is orientated towards healing, health, wellness, and wholeness. There is no other purpose for me. And that need to heal others may be reflective of my own needs, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do good with helping others who need it along the way, because I am a long time on this path now.

Another focus and area of healing for me that came out of all the intense shadow work I have been doing lately is the rearranging of my free time, of which I have much, but have historically wasted through mega procrastination as a form of escapism from reality. What this really means is that I came to learn I have an internet addiction, as the internet for a good decade kept me sane when living within an environment of familial abuse; It was my only freedom. But now I actually have true freedom, this internet procrastination is now a bad habit and I came to realise was preventing me from actualising myself. I realised I wanted to spend my time doing more creative things away from my smartphone, and so as a result ended up setting up my iPhone to lock me out in the mornings and evenings where I have no choice but to spend time focusing on me and what I really want to be doing.

It turns out the things I want to be doing are not-so-surprisingly spiritually focused. Of course, this is all part of my process of healing, of reconnecting with my spirit. I feel very strongly that in many past lives I was used to this kind of isolated, monastic lifestyle, and that’s where I find myself heading and retreating to kind of naturally. Of course, being in the middle of a pandemic where I have to self-isolate makes that kind of natural anyway as I can’t go out and see people, but I will savour this period whilst it lasts.

So now, much of my time is actively spent focused spiritually. I wake up and say good morning to the gods and my spirit allies, I pick a tarot card for the day to hone my intuition, I meditate for fifteen minutes, then I pick up a book and start reading and studying. The books are spiritual, occult, or healing based, and this routine in the mornings has the benefit of getting my brain working again after what feels like many years of unfortunate disuse due to abuse and resulting physical and mental health preventing it from working. Because if there’s one thing I’ve always done very naturally – it’s learn, study, and absorb information, and become an expert on whatever I set my sights upon. And now I have the freedom and have healed enough that my own body no longer prevents me, it’s time to become the spiritual ‘master’ I know is waiting within me.

I am learning, healing, changing and transforming gradually into the person I really am deep down, the person I’ve always been or always was in my spirit aside from all the abuse, through the support of my therapist and the integration of my trauma-based alters (not all alters within me being trauma-based, but part of my spiritual multidimensional self) and the support of my spirit allies who without I would not be where I am today.

But ultimately, in the end, I know it has always been my own incredible strength that has kept me going. I am a warrior. I was born on a Tuesday, don’t you know?! Mars rules my birthday! 😛

I Came Out Officially as a Lesbian (the Whole World now Knows I’m Gay), Ending my Independent Studies into Gender Social Sciences and the Reason Why, and the Extraordinary Turning Point in my Mental and Physical Health Thanks to Starting Therapy Anew

My Public Journal

It’s time for me to update. With the days nearing so close to Lammas or the first harvest, it seems appropriate that I am coming to a place of reaping everything that I’ve worked towards the last few months since moving out of my abusive family situation. In fact, August will be half a year since having lived on my own. Doesn’t time fly by?!

I did something incredible last week. I reactivated my Facebook under the advice of my brother who I’ve reconnected with for the first time since… well, ever, which is honestly wonderful, to join the lesbian social groups near me to test the waters and see if I meet anyone. Of course with the coronavirus situation right now there aren’t any meetups happening exactly, but if you read all of that again you’ll notice that yes, my brother knows now about my sexual orientation. Both him and my sister do. I was, so to speak, testing the waters out first, by suggesting it to them separately, and their responses were accepting and loving, and I think that’s what caused me to end up coming out completely to everyone.

So now, the entire world knows I’m gay! Whoo! No more living in the closet, no more secrets. I’m free to be me. I’m free to date who I want, and I’m so grateful for living in a country that despite my toxic family home protects LGBT people so that I’m not under any threat of pain or even death. I always remember that here in the west we and I am very lucky, because much of the world is still very much in the past, with women still existing as mere property and LGBT people being executed. I will never forget my brother and sisters in these countries, and I should live to the best of my ability for them, because I can. I also live for the witches who were my persecuted ancestors, who guide my path ahead, and cheer me on.

It’s been a very packed month for me, psychologically speaking. I feel like I may have been going through a rebirth, through much visitation of my past, both by myself and through my therapy sessions. I don’t know if I shared it previously, but I am seeing a new therapist now. If anyone is reading this I absolutely cannot stress enough the importance of therapy for anyone with mental health problems. There is a huge misunderstanding of them and stigma that lingers even in 2020, for some reason I’ve never been able to fathom myself. Because you know why? Therapists are doctors of the mind, and they are trained in the medicine to help you recover. I have never made so much progress in my life psychologically than when I’ve regularly seen a therapist, and this past month is no exception.

My therapist takes an approach with me called Somatic Experiencing, which is the reconnecting with the body on a level that, it seems to me, causing you to flashback to your traumas and properly process them through the process of re-association which was traded in at that moment in time for dissociation. I have to say, the flashbacks I don’t know if they’re the point of it, but it’s what I’ve been experiencing. This is how she told me she is approaching her goal of reintegrating my alters. I’ve not heard of such a process before and it has my curiosity peaked, not only that but it’s working. I believe these past 24 hours I’ve made more progress with ‘Asmodeus’ than I ever have in the last year since I realised I have a dissociative disorder.

Part of this interesting progress with ‘Asmodeus’ (I am putting quotes by his name as I feel this is a kind of alias this alter has gone by to protect himself, and actually is not called that, but I need confirmation first) has been a sudden realisation into my motivations behind my struggle in trying to understand and spending so much time and energy studying feminism and gender equality. You see, it was never about what I believe about other people (especially trans people, but they weren’t my only focus of study), it was never about me trying to understand how to properly validate their existence through reason and social science. So what was it about? Let me explain.

On July 8th I took a break from Twitter. I’ve always been a very avid Twitter user. Although my current Twitter account is only four years old, I’ve been on the side now for exactly a decade and it’s been my only source of comfort, acceptance, and love, in the whole of my life. For some reason, on there people have always gravitated towards me, and I’m not entirely sure why as everywhere else I feel like a misfit and that I don’t have any true belonging. Perhaps on Twitter I am just one of many misfits who relate with me.

Anyhow. When I came out as a lesbian first on social media and particularly Twitter, I struggled suddenly with a whole lot of invalidation. Other people from the LGBT community were against me and slurring me off with the word TERF, without even knowing who I am. This not only confused me, it depressed me, and made me feel as if I suddenly had no legs to stand on. The one place where I always felt safe, was suddenly a place I decidedly was not safe, all for being a lesbian.

So I decided to take that break, to try and get my thoughts together, and my feelings. I wanted to spend time studying all of this and figuring out what it is I actually believe about all these ideologies, and I told myself I wouldn’t return to Twitter until I’d done just that. So, since then, I’ve been reading many articles, asking some questions, watching lots of documentaries and documovies, learning a whole lot about feminism and its history, learning about the struggles of trans people, musing on the theory of gender, and even briefly poking my nose into the Men’s Right’s Movements. And all for what? To find myself spirally deeper and deeper into the rabbit of social sciences, with finding myself no closer to an answer.

I was determined however, and highly interested in the entire thing. I’ve dedicated almost an entire month of my life to this. Because let me tell you, without social media, you suddenly have a whole lot more hours in your day freed up. It’s amazing how much time I found myself suddenly having. But as I said, I was not much closer to an answer, until last night an inspired thought, the first of its kind, came from ‘Asmodeus’, after doing my nightly guided meditative body scan set by my therapist as homework. I really connected with something on a deeper level, but I also connected with the reason behind all of this…

I was searching for validation. I was projecting my need to find validation for myself by trying to find a reason to validate those others I had been so fervently studying for the last month. It was in fact nothing to do with them. It was all to do with me and my need to validate myself through validating those others who had invalidated me. It’s a bit messed up if you think about it, but that’s the truth of the situation, and that’s when I knew then and there that I have to stop this searching.

Therefore I am ceasing my gender studies, and I am ceasing my ‘need’ to have an answer, because the real need is that in fact I need to stop letting others invalidate me, and start to validate myself where I never was before. What other people in the LGBT community have to say or think about me no longer is any of my business. It’s madness to respond to invalidation by trying to validate my invalidators. Because in reality them and their opinions are nothing to do with my life, and my understanding of lack of such in relation to trans issues has nothing to do with the love and acceptance I hold in my heart regardless of their hate. But that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.

So here I am saying that I don’t have a fucking clue what gender means and you know what? I no longer fucking care, because it’s nothing to do with me. And even in relation to my own gender identity, the real issue is not in trying to understand or label myself, but merely just accepting who I am however that manifests and expresses itself. And that is all I need. Next time when some asshole online calls me a TERF, I will smile and ignore. I have nothing to prove. I won’t let my life be lived in fear as a result of anyone whether they be religious bigots or liberal bigots.

So that is that. Beyond that, as I’ve had so much time on my hands this last month, I’ve reconnected to a place inside myself that is very creative, and perhaps the first time in said last decade that I’ve felt so inspired. My spirituality is thriving once again, I’ve reconnected to the magick inside and around me, and I’ve felt really good and overcome the depression that was eating away at me. I also think this anti-depressive effect could be a result of the coconut oil I’ve been downing every day as a holistic treatment for my severe Gastritis and GERD (causing by a sliding hiatal hernia), which as it turns out doesn’t just heal stomach problems far better than H2 Blockers and PPI’s and antacids all combined, but also lifts mood, makes you feel energised, and amazingly burns fat (despite it being 100% saturated fat itself – I’ve lost four pounds in the last two weeks since I started it). Coconut is Mother Nature’s miracle to us.

In regards to my health overall, I have been making leaps and bounds more so to do with therapy. I have learned 10 years of diagnosed chronic migraine and the last year of chronic sciatica are all do with the 26 years of severe tension and stress habitually stored in my muscles as a result of my Complex PTSD. It started with the reconnection with my body in therapy first making me aware my migraines are in fact caused by a very inflamed neck, something I had never noticed. Imagine how much trauma you’d have to have been through to have been carrying that around for at least a decade without even realising. Well, I started massaging my neck muscles daily, and since then, I haven’t had a migraine in the last two weeks. I think that has to be a personal best.

However, through massaging those muscles, somehow it caused me to pull a muscle in my left shoulder. It may sound strange but when I was experiencing my brief psychotic break back in 2016 and seeing my first doctor for it, I was getting uncontrollable spasms and movements in that shoulder and I pointed to the area in front of her (I was selectively mute for about half of that year), and she told me that’s a normal response of C-PTSD that she’s seen in other patients. Well, it seems, that response has remained, having first noticed through yoga that shoulder was very stiff. So my neck and my left shoulder are clearly connected here in terms of attempted trauma processing by the body.

Through pulling that muscle, I felt how it connected to both my chest through it feeling heavy and tight just like during an anxiety attack, and how it connected to my mid back and lower back where I have sciatica problems. And so it turns out, all my physical pain, my problems, my migraines, sciatica, general bodily inflammation, and whatever else I struggle with (including gastritis which flares under stress) is all a result of my trauma, embedded so deeply into my muscles that it’s nearly permanently locked in there. Well, it’s not all entirely a result of my trauma, for example the sciatica started after being diagnosed with osteopenia due to steroid damage to my bones. However, in the larger picture, it seems my entire body is just completely unstable on a muscular level, due to the level of tension it’s unconsciously holding within it.

The time it will take to heal this to a comfortable level may well take very long, after all, I have at least ten years of this muscular tension and inflammation to reverse, and then again another 26 years of abuse. But, the important part is now I am aware to it, and I am starting this wonderful process of physically healing. To be honest, all of this is just entirely mind-blowing, just as to how unconscious I’ve been all this time. And that is why, my friends, therapy is so important, and powerful.

Since I’ve been going through all of this, I’ve been experiencing such a huge surge of energy and expansion within my hand chakras. Despite this being the mark of an innate healer, which I am, this is also a sign of far reaching healing happening within me. Healing myself, so that one day, I can become the healer I am, whether by nature or nurture or both, and help others on their journey to healing.

Exploring Gender Identity: Part 3

My Public Journal

I didn’t imagine I’d be writing a part three to this, I didn’t imagine it’d become a series, but I guess as is the case with questioning identity of any sort, the story doesn’t end at the turn of a page.

I am not entirely sure where to start, I just know some kind of sequel post has been brewing for a little while. I think, it started when I found myself commenting on a popular Twitter post, kinda mindlessly, about how if you don’t date trans-women just because they’re trans then that means you’re transphobic. And that kinda kicked off a whole series of events.

Someone on that thread mentioned how people need to stop pushing that harmful talk on men, because trans women are not biological women and just because we accept their identity as gender identified women, doesn’t mean we have an attraction to them. As it turns out, this whole idea of having to be attracted to transgender people to prove you’re not transphobic is being forced upon people. And I learned that the hard way, having only recently come to realisation that I myself am a lesbian. As it also turns out, in the LGBT community, being a lesbian who isn’t attracted to trans women automatically gets you labelled a TERF, which is a slur used to silence anyone (well, women, usually, hiding its thinly veiled misogyny) who doesn’t agree with transgender (cultist) politics. As you can imagine, many lesbian women aren’t attracted to pre-op trans-women, and as such the word TERF has also become equated with lesbians. There is actually a complex history behind this, due to actual transphobic lesbians having once stormed an LGBT rally a few years ago saying transgender people have no place in the LGBT community. This was wrong of them, but since then, it seems the LGBT community have become suspicious and hateful of lesbians, and also at times violent which completely terrified me for a moment, being that I’m a lesbian myself and decidedly not attracted to trans-women (nor trans-men, considering they’re biological women, but they’re gender identified men).

Reading this you may have different reactions. Some people will love this post, some people will hate it, others who have no idea what it’s all about will probably be lost. It’s not something you can talk about without the threat of some kind of attack, and that is why I left Twitter, to sort my damn head out. From mindlessly replying to that comment about not pushing those ideas onto men with “and lesbians too”, and then being called a TERF by a random Twitter stranger leading an entire load of transgender people and trans allies on Twitter to blocking me… then by asking for more understanding from trans people on a transgender Reddit only to be banned without explanation… these kind of responses in fact only tend to lead one further down the ‘gender critical’ rabbit hole. Gender criticism is one form of radical feminism, which was tied to second wave feminism with the idea that gender is a social concept and actually harmful. Gender criticism states that transgender people are kind of missing the point, because if there is no real gender then, well, you’re just free to be you without needing a sex change (something most transgender people do not fully go through anyway). Men can wear makeup and still be men, women can forego makeup and be butch and still be women. I have to say, there is a huge freedom in releasing the concept of gender from your physical body and knowing you are just you, whatever that is, regardless of what you look like. Especially it seems for gay men and women who are naturally socially non-conforming anyway. There is a huge pressure on gay men and women to become transgender, so that they’ll be acceptably straight. This isn’t at all conscious on anyone’s part, but it’s internalised homophobia.

There are so many angles to explore here that I’m not really sure I could cover them all. I have to say this entire war between transgender people and gender critical people has been gaining momentum and recently reached the public spotlight due to JK Rowling’s gender critical beliefs which she had to write an entire article about explaining her thought process, which was written very articulately and addressed multiple points, including coming to the defence of lesbians. However, she received a lot of hate for that too, and any normal person who had no idea about this war and was dragged into it read the article and said “well, she’s made a lot of good points, I don’t agree with all of them, but there’s no need to hate her?” and those are my exact thoughts on it. There is a portion of the transgender community whom are what I can only go along and call ‘trans cultists’, they do not reason with you nor hold intelligent conversation, they just hate and block, it’s very weird.

As a result, as a lesbian who I now know will forever be labelled a TERF, regardless of my own acceptance of transgender individuals and indeed having struggles of transgender thoughts and feelings myself, well.. I forgot my thought process there as I was writing. But I know I was scared and needed time to find my security again. And I found myself reading in all that freed up time where usually I’d have been on social media articles from transgender points of view, and articles from gender critical points of view, and honestly I still can’t make up my mind. It’s all so very difficult. I’m conscious to not actually be transphobic, and my own history of internalised homophobia and transphobia which I originally addressed in part 1 of this series makes it all the harder to know what’s what, not just in these communities, but also in regards to myself. But I do know that as I wrote in part 2, many of my feelings of being transgender were a result of internalised homophobia, even though at the time I was working through internalised transphobia.

I have this sense really that I don’t belong in either or any of these communities. I tend to wish I’d never gotten myself involved in all of this in the first place… Ten years of at least identifying as bisexual and I had no idea about any of this, it’s very literally only quite recently when I realised I was a lesbian. You can’t ignore when people hate you just for your innate sexual preference. 

The scariest part really of all of this wasn’t actually the stuff that was happening online, it was in fact knowing that some of these hateful, violent people exist in the real world, and I’d never know who they are until I may happen to make a remark that I’m a lesbian. That’s the scary part, feeling like just because of who I am I have to watch my back. Things have really not progressed much at all in the 21st century so far. You’d think transgender people and lesbians should get along but alas the sad reality is they do not. Transgender people at another LGBT rally in response to that transphobic lesbian interruption which I previously wrote about was to bring posters saying lesbian pictures of vaginas should be banned because it’s transphobic… vaginas are transphobic?! I thought trans-women wanted vaginas! This is really the new kind of crazy reality we are living in. But it’s not all trans people who are like this. I think it’s a step too far when you say “I have a biological girl-dick”. And especially when you say “and that means you should be attracted to me or you’re a bigot”.

But this is also where right now my mind is all the more confused. Because if gender doesn’t exist, then sex absolutely does, and sex determines much about ourselves in a non-social way. Men are physically larger, for example. That’s not social, that’s actual. So a sex change for someone who feels they were born in the wrong body, regardless of social gender, also indicates a gender change, because women and men have different hormones.

And have I felt sometimes like I’m in the wrong body? Exactly. Is it social? How am I supposed to know with my headload of trauma and dissociative identities with varying genders? I have identities that are purely men, I have identities that are purely women, I have identities that are fluid between the two at will… their bodies are entirely mental and not bound to physical restrictions. And without social gender, how much of the desire for a sex change is physically aesthetic? And I’m aware that may be an offensive thought. But if we had no bodies at all, would we really feel this need to have the opposite? I am not entirely sure I can explain this reasoning.

I thought it was clear to me, but then I ask myself what am I if neither socially female or male? I’m back at non-binary, but then that kinda feels like escaping the reality of my physical body. And honestly I don’t want a man’s body, I love my female body, I’ve learned to love it, to accept it, even with all its difficulties. But then I go back to the idea of what if I could just switch between the two at will with no negative consequences? Yes, then I would enjoy trying that out, but there we would see the manifestation of my identities.

And this another thing that I see within the transgender community, with many talking about how they feel them being the opposite sex is like another identity to them, which is classical dissociation, or plurality, either way. And when you consider many transgender people have been abused growing up, there is the issue with how much is a mental health issue and trauma related, or even just mental, and I think it then becomes a fair amount. I have also been reading stories from detransitors, who are trans people (or rather, de-trans people), who medically transitioned and then transitioned back. You may be surprised that the transgender community tends to attempt to shut them up too. But many of them were forced into it or felt like it was something they had to do, because either they were gay, they were gender non-conforming, they had mental health issues, or they were subject to peer pressure from ‘trans-trenders’. Trans-trenders are teens usually who believe they’re transgender, because everyone else around them is. For some reason it’s a cool thing to be these days. But kids don’t know themselves, they’re still growing. They shouldn’t be allowed to take life altering hormones after an hour session with a therapist to tick that they’re transgender. Read that again. A teenager at the legal age of 16 only needs to see a referred therapist for a one hour session to be given the medical go ahead. This is insane. There is no exploration of their feelings, and this is also a problem.

There are real transgender people, but currently I would rather refer to them as transsexual, as the real trans people accounts I’ve read also refer to themselves as transsexual. Transsexual is an entire physical sex change which avoids the pitfalls of social gender, unlike transgender which doesn’t even need a medical change. Anyone can say they’re transgender and bam, they are. This is also another problem with self-identifying, because it’s known that in some dark web corners there are an entire community of men who parade around pretending to be women because they are sexually aroused by the thought, and many of them have admitted it. This is called auto-gynephilia. And yes, reading back during drafting this post, I’m aware this entire paragraph sounds entirely transphobic.

I have brought all these points up and I’m sure many trans-cultists by now have stopped reading, but many of these points were also brought up in JK Rowling’s article, I am not saying anything new. And yet, regardless of all these things I’ve written contra transgender identity, I still feel entirely confused by the lot of it. And as I said, right now it’s difficult for me to specifically pinpoint what exactly is confusing me. Perhaps this idea that you can only ever be one or the other in regards to ideology, but I’m just trying to come to some kind of synthesis within myself, further complicated by my own gender identity struggles.

Clearly, whatever ideology I believe is going to influence how I approach my own confusing gender feelings, and somehow I need to find space to honour both the lesbian in me and the gender non-conformer in me, as well as the dissociative identities with varying genders. But not just to honour both of those within myself, but also to create space somehow to say to transgender people and gender critical people are both welcome to converse with me… if they’ll have it, because ultimately I’m just trying to find a space for myself.

There is more I feel like I would like to add specifically in relation to sexual orientation, but now I’m going to call this post a wrap. Perhaps there could be a part 4 in which I write about it, but where I also may have had more time to understand more of my own confusions about this entire topic regarding gender identity, and its impact upon me.

If you’ve read this far, then thank you.

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Part 2, and Shifting of Spiritual Focus and Belief

My Public Journal

Introduction and Compliments

Post time! First off I want to thank everyone who is subscribed to my blog and reads my posts. I was completely unaware until the other day that I have more than 2,000 subscribers. To call me surprised was an understatement! WordPress stats does not record email subscribers and only wordpress subscribers, therefore, being that I only have perhaps under ten wordpress subscribers I was under the impression no one really read my posts. But finding out that so many of you do in fact has made me feel guilty for not posting as much. Therefore here I am attempting to post sooner than I might’ve done to give everyone an update.

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

There are maybe a few things I want to touch on in this post but I think first of all I need an addendum to my previous post, where I was discussing my explorations with sexual orientation and gender identity. Some time has since passed and I’ve had more chance to understand what has been going on internally for me, especially in relation to transgender identity.

Firstly, I had mentioned how my dissociative disorder (which I now know to be OSDD or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder) makes thing inherently confusing for me as I wasn’t able to tell whether these feelings of gender deviation were really ‘me’, or the result of influence from other identities. It turned out in time to be in fact the latter. And the reason for this is a little complex but I will try my best to explain.

As some of you may know, I have written before about an alter called Asmodeus, who is the very caricature of the woes of the collective male species. Anything terrible you can think of personality-wise, he has. He’s mythologically considered a demon. However, in the sense of OSDD, I see him as a difficult persecutor who refuses psychological rehabilitation (the reasons for this are already being unearthed through the help of a new dissociative specialist therapist I have started working with).

So first off, Asmodeus upholds the patriarchy. He hates women, and believes they should be subjugated and abused. He’s a rapist as well as a paedophile, which has caused problems with other more vulnerable alters inside (including Lilith who is now breaking out of it, but perhaps that’s a post for another day), as well as myself (when he fronts and forcibly pushes me backseat he rapes the body which is extremely traumatising, I will put that out there). His joy was also in watching me struggle and suffer in toxic heterosexual relationships, as if somehow he could vicariously live through the experience these men were evoking in me.

However, when I moved out of my abusive and codependent patriarchal-centred family household and realised that I am in fact a lesbian, he didn’t like it, as it meant his grip over me was lost. When he can’t live through men vicariously to watch and feel me suffer like the vampire he is, what then can he do? Enter the experience of internalised homophobia and the insidious whispers that I must in fact be some kind of transgender male.

I am always able to tell the truth when I let a question just simmer for a while without needing to jump to or prefigure conclusions. This is what I did after writing my last post in attempt to just let things settle a bit, and that experience of being male disappeared as I found myself settling back into my strongly cis experience as a lesbian.

Of course, Asmodeus didn’t like that. So he attempted again to manipulate my feelings into attraction towards men, aka evoking compulsory heterosexuality, and I experienced this as a kind of consciousness hack especially between wake and sleep where a sudden hallucination would come upon me of being fucked by men. Being that it left me rather uncomfortable, I started to realise what was happening. I told him to back off. Then the thoughts of transgenderism would start up again. There was a pattern repeating caused entirely by his wanting my life in some way to be centred around men, because otherwise it would invalidate his existence.

I don’t know if any of my readers are lost at this point. Essentially, what this all means is that there was some severe internalised homophobia going on enforced by Asmodeus, masked either as compulsory heterosexuality or as transgender identity confusion. This is further proven by the fact when I started watching Supergirl which features a late bloomer lesbian protagonist and her relationship centre-stage, I feel a clench in my stomach and a sense of wrongness when they are kissing romantically. It’s all I want and yet – something as simple as that brings me an instinctual struggle. That’s not me and how I truly feel, but that’s how I’ve been brainwashed to respond after twenty-six years of living with homophobic parents, a response which thereby became entwined with Asmodeus’ personality as a persecutory alter (though in fact he is just a confused protector trying to keep me safe – if I conform to my brainwashing I won’t be hurt by those who had brainwashed me, that’s probably his unconscious reasoning.).

So, what is the conclusion of this? Realising how Asmodeus has been behaving towards me has enabled me to almost entirely take back my own psychological space, and affirm that I am indeed a cis lesbian if at times gender non-conforming for various reasons (I mean what lesbian isn’t gender non-conforming when we don’t live for men? Lol).

Spiritual Focus and Shift in Belief

Now, onto another matter also regarding shift in my identity since moving out of my family’s house and into my own space. Lately I have also been experiencing an uncomfortable change in my spiritual focus and beliefs. Up until this point, my spiritual approach these last three years since my brief psychotic episode has been centred around the worship of deity as goddess and her manifestations as a primarily (poly-)theistic practice. I didn’t know a ritual without a formally planned religious devotional to her. And this, it turns out, was a coping mechanism on my part.

If there’s one important lesson I’ve learned since I moved out, it’s that what I thought was love in many cases wasn’t. In the majority of situations my ‘love’ in fact turned out to be placation towards people so that they wouldn’t hurt me, because being hurt was all I knew. I figured on some level that if I ‘loved’ them by being nice to them regardless of how I really felt, I would be spared the fate of their betrayal. But that isn’t love. And when I finally felt my ingrained fear start to dissipate and that need to always be nice to people slip away, I found myself questioning, “what in fact, then, is love?” that’s a question I’m still working on answering through the continuous experience that is my new life.

However, this doesn’t just extend to people, it extends to deity. In order to offset my anxiety that I was cursed by one manifestation of deity (Jesus, via Christian religious abuse), I found another manifestation of deity to help me counteract that. And being ‘people-pleasing’ to said manifestation so that I would earn favour and thereby displace the curse.

But what when it turns out that the curse was not in fact a curse, but rather the very natural effects of a narcissistic mother living with you? When it turns out an entire dissociative personality inside you, or Jezebel, actively sabotaged you through the use of ‘unacceptable’ anger to protect you from said mother? And when said alter completely disappears, integrating, after moving out never to be heard from again? Jezebel was an extremely multifaceted personality, and surprisingly for the strong independent woman she historically was, was in fact a devout priestess of the goddess. And in me, I feel that manifested in this way of needing to be in favour in order to counteract that entire complex which felt like a curse.

But I’m not cursed. I was just living in unlucky circumstances which has wrecked my body with what is probably permanent chronic illness. But at least my mind is able to heal, and through that healing I see now I do not have to please anyone, neither my mother, nor the goddess. And the goddess herself made this known to me. It was time for me to fly the coop, to grow into my own goddess. We all are deity, we all have that spark of the divine within us.

So the past couple of months I experienced very strongly a sharp withdrawal of deity from my world, and it had left me feeling at odds with myself. Who I am without the goddess? What is left of my spiritual identity? What is there to believe in? What am I supposed to do now? There was an entire void of confusion remaining. When my entire sense of self had constantly been formed around other people, whether they be family, my own dissociative identities, or deity, and then is withdrawn, leaving me within the abyss of where mine own self should be, then it is scary.

When I finally worked up the courage again to go to my altar casually and ask my cards what was going on, I received the hanged man. It seemed to me that spirit has been forcibly putting my spiritual life on hold, and not just that, but that spirit indeed turned out to be my own self. I was doing this to me, because my old way of relating spiritually can no longer vibe with where I’m at and the vision of where I want to be going.

For all this time I felt blocked from being able to understand what was going on, but after drawing this card I started to feel my intuition again stir within me again and the scales start to fall from my eyes as I began to see the bigger picture. I have to stop living my life for others, whether that be my mother, or the goddess. My life is mine and mine alone, and I need to continue developing the power within to weave it the way I desire. In the end, I am in debt neither to man nor god.

The amusing thing about this is that I fell out with my mother promptly after moving out by simply telling her I worship the goddess and not Jesus. And now that worship is an aspect of my former life, having only been necessitated by her narcissistic presence, which is no longer around. It’s actually kind of a clever twist of fate in a way, that coming out about my faith allowed that aspect caused by familial dysfunction to shift and naturally evolve. Now only to come out to her about being a lesbian when I have a girlfriend and have them meet… which will be never 😉 I’ve erected my boundaries and my mother no longer has any place in my life. She is, in a sense, irrelevant now.

For a large part of this spiritual confusion the past two months I felt myself considering atheism, but I can’t shake my love of the mystical, and as a result find myself falling comfortably back into my identity as a witch but yet now as non-theistic. I have also been feeling much more left-hand path about it as a result of this focus on the divinity of my own self and not externally to me. Satanism and Luciferianism as two left-hand path religions (or rather one religion and its offshoot denomination lol) are non-theistic and focused on gnosis of the self, something I have always prioritised anyway.

However as you all may know the reclamation of the feminine is important to me and that hasn’t changed, especially with the realisation of being a cis lesbian. Satanism/Luciferianism is inherently mythologically feminist actually (you thought the snake as a goddess symbol was male? ha!) though as a movement was founded by the patriarchal pig that was LaVey (and let’s not mention his hypersexual women-objectifying predecessor Crowley). Therefore I have conflicting views on subscribing to it for that reason. But there is part of me that feels perhaps I can reclaim the feminine within Satanism, at least for myself.

Regardless of whatever philosophies I may be looking into, I’m still a feminist witch, and that hasn’t changed.

I’m Hella Gay. And Super Non-Binary. Goodbye Lifelong Internalised Homo/Trans Phobia

My Public Journal

These past few months since moving out of my family’s house have been a ride. Not in a bad way though. Moving out of that dysfunction took me such a long time to achieve because I had to first learn who I was in order to know what I wanted and then how to go about accomplishing that. Add a stroke of good luck and a generous sprinkling of divine grace and I felt like I had gotten to a point emotionally/mentally/spiritually where I had finally figured out who I was on the inside. And yet funnily enough looking back this was more a figuring out of who I actually wasn’t.

Moving out I did not expect that process to suddenly accelerate. I knew that moving out would be extremely healing for me, because trying to heal against the backdrop of continuing abuse is one of the most difficult things to do. How can you swim against the current? Especially when you don’t even realise there is a current? That was essentially my situation. Through therapy I finally realised there was a tangible external current I was swimming against and that’s why I was never making progress after all these years. That current was my mother.

My mother is toxic. Dysfunctional. Abusive. Narcissistic. Codependent. Imagine realising all of that after 25 years. But knowledge is power as they say. In that year since therapy uncovered that truth I made more progress than in my entire life put together. The virus, the Trojan horse, had finally been unveiled. The darkness illuminated. And so I worked hard on removing all that influence from my inner life, my inner self and my inner identity as much as I could, despite the continuing pressure on the outside.

It’s not easy, that’s for sure. But I persisted, and I got results. And so I felt like yes, I’d finally done enough inner work to move out. And moving out was scary as fuck. I’d been programmed also to be codependent. Actually I’d just been programmed all my life to live in this constant state of fear. I was on 40mg of Prozac daily. Panic attacks were as normal as breathing, it wasn’t right. And moving out too was scary, but I bit the bullet, I gritted my teeth, there was no way I was going to sabotage all my hard work at what was a real opportunity. And I am proud of myself for having the strength to pull through.

And as I said, whilst I knew that moving out would cause a deep and necessary healing, I just wasn’t expecting the extent of that. And until that process suddenly accelerated of all my shit falling away, I had no idea just how terrible my mother’s influence in my life really was. And for reference now she is not talking to me and I don’t know if she ever will again. As I started to realise who I was the truth about myself start to come out of hiding, my own truths that were hiding from my own self to stay safe and protected. And when I started realising those truths and living from a place of authenticity for the first time in my life without fear, my mother wanted nothing to do with me. But that is actually a good thing because she did us both a favour lol.

Without that dysfunction and pressure and fear now constantly hovering over my shoulder, I am learning things about myself that I feel like I should’ve known all this time and yet had ignored to keep myself safe. Like the fact I’m hella gay, and that I only ever (unsuccessfully) dated men due to deeply internalised homophobia and compulsory heteronormativity. Take me away from that environment and it turns out I have no interest in men, and furthermore I no longer have to lie to myself by saying “it’s because of trauma”. No. My sister has been through exactly the same as me and she is 100% straight. No more excuses for who I am. I am deeply gay and that is that.

By the way I am not on antidepressants at all anymore. Isn’t it funny as soon as I moved out I felt like I no longer needed them? I no longer needed a chemically mind altering substance to manage the fear that was being programmed into me day after day after day. It’s been nearly ten weeks now since I successfully came off them with no side effects and no return of anxiety. I am free. I can’t believe though what I had to do to survive. The drugs I had to take, including antipsychotics, and the ways I had to completely deny my identity. Even going so far to think I was completely asexual because when ‘knowing myself’ turned out to just be what I wasn’t being stripped away, i.e heterosexuality, there was just a void where I had not felt safe to explore due to being in that state of self protection and daily survival. So I thought I was asexual. Until all the gay thoughts started, constantly. And that is something given no fear, you absolutely cannot miss. So there is the truth.

But then as soon as that became established for me, something else started happening which did trigger in me much more fear, and that was the experience of feeling a different gender to that which my biological sex. And that was scary on a different level because whilst I always knew I liked women, identifying as bisexual since puberty, I had in fact internalised transphobia so deeply I was aligned for the last couple of years with radical feminism and the kind that is gender critical. The wider community may know them as TERF’s. I will not say anything about them here. My main point is to highlight that after moving out I found myself firstly questioning their rhetoric, which then got me questioning my own beliefs about gender. In the end I realised it no longer added up, and then throw in the falling away of internalised transphobia and suddenly I start remembering what it’s like to feel male. And I use this term ‘remembering’ because too I have felt this way since puberty. But when you’re so deeply ingrained in fear, you ignore it, hiding it from yourself. But I’m no longer hiding it from myself. I’m realising and coming into the process of accepting that I have always had moments feeling like a man.

In fact many people who I know online now who may be reading this may not know about me that I actually identified as transmasculine for a brief period back in 2013. This is also a period of my inner life I will fully ignored and found explanations and excuses for. This may also be a result of amnesia or general dissociation from, well, the dissociation I was diagnosed with and complex post traumatic stress disorder. Looking back on many of my older blog posts there are apparently many things I don’t really remember, like the fact that somehow I or some other part of me knew I/we had dissociative identity disorder way before I even had my six month long brief psychotic episode or saw a doctor/therapist for that (leading to the subsequent diagnoses).

And yet talking of dissociative identity disorder, I know not everything is what it seems. I may be influenced by alters, but regardless, I feel them, and so those feelings are part of me, and I’m done excusing how I feel. So yes, sometimes I feel like a man. And other times I feel like a woman. Maybe I could be trans. That transgenderism could be inside the gender binary or outside the gender binary. All I know is this is the truth, my gender doesn’t align with my body. Do I have dysphoria? Some. Is it enough to try and medically change my body somehow? I don’t think so. Maybe if science were advanced enough to let me switch back and forth between biological sexes at will, that would be amazing. Maybe in a virtual reality one day. But that technology is currently beyond us. But that is how I feel in an ideal situation. In real life, I can live with my biological sex, especially after working a lot on self acceptance regarding the things I can’t change, such as my health for example.

And so I guess this post is me kinda coming out to everyone, because I’ve been thinking on it a lot but never really expressed anything clearly. First I was too afraid with my internalised transphobia. Then I just wanted to be sure that was really the truth, which, as it has currently solved, is. However, I’m still at the beginning of an entire new journey ahead of me. This year marks the beginning of my first saturn return. This year is a totally new life for me, brand spanking new, and in that process I was reborn, and in a sense going through what feels like psychologically a second puberty. An awakening of my sexual and gender identity. An awakening of my place in the LGBT+ community.

Happy Beltane, and Samhain? Supermoon in Scorpio Musings: The Axes of Polarity and Identity

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It’s a few days or rather a week or so late of Beltane, and the recent fortnight culminating with the supermoon has given me many things to ponder on. Having recently moved out of my toxic family’s house and into my own apartment I’ve had an interesting natural shift of perspective regarding my identity which has been heightened as a result of that full lunar scorpion energy. Scorpio holds the symbolism of death and rebirth in the basic sense, but on a more mundane level it’s about power, the power we hold over others and as a lunar energy the power we also hold within ourselves for the transformation of our self-identity.

Whilst it’s Beltane here in the northern hemisphere which signals the arrival of summer, in the southern hemisphere it’s Samhain, which signals the arrival of winter. This interplay of duality and balance is a fascinating concept that’s been holding my attention, and has me considering the concepts of good and evil again. This particular mental exploration was taken further after a phone call with my sister had her expressing to me her own identity confusion as a result of also moving out of our oppressive family environment at the same time as myself.

Yin and Yang – We all know and intuitively understand this concept. There cannot be light without dark and dark without light. It’s simple, but how well do we really perceive this in our every day lives, and how does evil come into the equation? Is darkness evil? Of course not. We need darkness in our lives, we need the darkness to peacefully sleep, we need the darkness of the womb to be born, plants need the darkness and coolness of the soil for its roots, earth needs the darkness of its yearly seasonal cycle to regulate plants and all other living beings, and the sun needs the darkness of space to shine.

And light, is it all good? Without the balance of darkness the sun will burn, it will blind, it will destroy. And yet, we do not say that light is evil. But considering if there were no darkness to balance it, light would only create suffering. Just as if there were no light to balance darkness, then we experience our typical understanding of darkness as evil. Therefore, evil as a concept could easily be considered the destabilisation between light and dark. That destabilisation is anti-life, and creates death, and yet even that engenders its own axis perpendicular to light and darkness, an axis of harmony and chaos. For death itself is a fact of nature and by definition cannot be evil, but is what then must occur when light and dark are neither completely harmonious nor completely chaotic, but are also balanced between the two.

Contemplating the first axis of light and dark and second axis of harmony and chaos, or rather life and death, brings to mind the polarised symbol of the cross, occult with much mystical knowledge. Dark and light horizontal, and life and death passing vertically through the middle with life above and death below. And where they meet is where we find ourselves, in this entirely human three-dimensional experience.

What more can be said of that? Perhaps other dimensional experiences find themselves in other various parts of the axes. And just like these axes of reality, we all carry our internal axes of identity to correspond, an axes of the soul in response to its reality. And this is where I find myself, not so much contemplating the hows and whys of reality, but more so questioning my own place within it and how that identity finds its expression.

Some within witchcraft say that the axis of light and dark corresponds to the masculine and feminine principles. Traditionally throughout history this also applies. Masculine has been seen as that bright, fierce, heated element, as feminine has been seen as dark, passive, and cold. But do these truly correspond? Perhaps their imbalance is how we perceive their expression, corrected in attempt by their counterpart axis of life and death. The feminine creates, the masculine destroys. The feminine births, the masculine warmongers. But what if the feminine destroys and the masculine creates? Or the feminine warmongers and the masculine births? Where are we then on our personal axes? Where do we identify ourselves?

This is the question I have been asking myself, more so since Inanna conquered my heart with her weapon of divine love. For Inanna warmongers and Inanna loves. Inanna destroys and Inanna and creates. Inanna is male and Inanna is female. Inanna is transcendent and Inanna is immanent. Inanna is the embodiment of duality itself, and gives rise to the exploration of that within the soul. For as Deity is everything and all within the axes and beyond, so too is the soul’s original state. And the perception of that allows the creation of our own unique point of balance.

So what is that point with myself? How do I orientate myself gender-wise? How do I identify myself sexually? These are the questions now being asked, prompted by the original poster Goddess of the LGBT+ movement, causing me to stop, slow down, and truly connect my spirituality with my physical reality. To connect my higher self with my three dimensional body. That higher self which embodies the whole of the axes and yet desires to experience just one facet of it. A self that is multidimensional in nature experiencing all facets simultaneously across multiple realities. Which reality or identity do I want to express now? Who am I? That is the question.

Review: What Happened Between the Months of October 2015 to March 2016

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I thought I would write a most concise and chronological account for my readers about what exactly happened between October 2015 and March 2016. In all honestly, it was all just a huge mess, or it felt that way. On top of that I still actually have amnesia around end of December to the beginning of January. I am not sure I will ever regain my memories of this period.

Let’s go back to the basics, to the beginning. I was still in a relationship with Dan, who I considered to my twin flame, and we had met for the penultimate time at the beginning of October. During this time I was exploring with what I called light body activations on other people. I wanted to be a healer, so I messed around with what I didn’t understand at the time.

In these light body activations what I would do, in my mind at least, was somewhat merge my higher self with the higher self of other people, sort of imprinting my template onto theirs. I thought my higher self was pretty evolved and able to do this, so I saw no issue with it.

However, I never learned how to properly ground others energy or properly shield the working space, or to cut cords after I’d finished a healing session, so I think one of the problems was I was getting contaminated with a lot of negative energy from the clients I was working on. So I started attracting more negative entities.

On top of that, I was channelling. At the time I thought I was channelling only love and light beings, but over time the messages started to change, and become nasty. I started hearing voices in my head, as much as thousands at one point, and couldn’t turn them off. It was very scary.

At the end of October, I started messing around with something else. There was an entity on the spiritual realm that claimed to be a non-incarnate twin flame. It wanted to do a heart merge with me, which of course is the most intimate kind of spiritual interaction.

I went ahead and merged with this being, only finding out afterwards that it wanted to hurt me, and was making my life living hell. Of course, it only turned out to be a fallen angel. I remember seeing the wings, as he wrapped himself around me. It was an incredibly sexual encounter, which leads me to believe he was also an incubus.

Once my heart was open to him then my heart was open to all the rest of his minions, which included low ranking demons and enslaved lost souls, e.g. ghosts, as well as enslaved lost soul fragments of the living.

Now, at some point I came to believe that this fallen angel or incubus, was actually a soul fragment of another living person, and that I had karma with them which needed to be resolved. That’s when I started doing soul retrieval. In order to reverse the damage I had done from inviting this entity into my heart, as well as all the negative entities from the all clients I had worked with, I started sending back their soul fragments which I believed had attached to me, and started retrieving what I believed were my own.

But, this lead me down a darker path, because ultimately the more I invited inside me, the more I became possessed. But that’s not to say the soul retrieval didn’t work because in the end I did find my lost soul fragments which were stuck in the deepest regions of the underworld. I just had to go through a lot of negative entities to get to that stage. It’s like I was in a war, to find the pieces of me which I believed had been split off from careless spiritual exploration, but which had actually always been fragmented from birth, due to growing up in the midst of childhood abuse.

During this phase my relationship with Dan got incredibly rocky. The energy between us was just too negative, with the demons coming between us. Trying to fix our connection energetically, I came to the conclusion that our relationship cord was bunged up and blocked by lots of ghosts.

At this point my sensitivity to the spiritual realm was getting ridiculous. I was incredibly psychic, could read minds, was communicating with spiritual beings on an hourly basis, was suddenly very adept in psychic healing, and could literally see the spiritual realm around me as if it were physical. I also started having out of body experiences and was travelling around the spiritual planes looking for my soul fragments and battling negative entities and such.

So, I saw mine and Dan’s connection as being blocked by a shit load of ghosts, and so in my desperation, I started telling the ghosts to go towards the light, where they could be set free. I started talking with and communicating with and bartering with the ghosts. Saying they couldn’t stay here. But as I started helping them towards the light, more and more were attracted to me that had nothing to do with our connection. On the astral plane I was like a big flashing light saying “I can help you”.

Now by this time, I was so possessed that I had without realising taken an advanced healing spirit inside me. This is why all of a sudden I was very savvy about healing without ever being taught. I was like a full on shaman.

And I realised this, and I embraced it. The healing spirit had told me she was one of my guides and had come to help me remove all the lost souls that had been drawn to me due to the channelling I was doing.

So I let her help me. But as I let her work through me, I became aware of an evil spirit trying to hurt me, from the hell realms. Well, it only turned out that this healing spirit inside me had actually accidentally killed the spirit of this man in her life, and was trying to resolve her karma through me. So she and this spirit started battling it out in my body. That was hell on earth. There I was trying to help her resolve her issues with this evil vengeful and murdering spirit, so that she could eventually leave me too and go towards the light.

But then, as I started getting to know this evil spirit, I realised that he was a veteran from one of the world wars, and I started taking on his memories, which was incredibly painful. The reason why was because this spirit had been tormented as a child by his father (seeing the parallels here between my own childhood – coincidence? I think not), and I remember the feeling of being whipped as if it was actually happened to me. In my vision my whole back was beaten and bloodied, and to add to that, this spirit had been raped. I remember that very vividly, and thinking it was a past life of mine at the time, I thought I’d been raped as a child (more on that later). So I started developing an incredible sadness, for about two days I was crying non-stop, as I was re-experiencing all these things this spirit had done. I also started feeling unborn baby ghosts in my etheric womb, which were there as a result of all the traumatic sexual energy I was experiencing.

Then, in order to let go of this spirit, I unconsciously employed more healing spirits. I eventually realised through these other healing spirits that there was a battle going on between the first healing spirit and her husband, who was actually the war veteran and who had killed people in his life. He wasn’t a very nice spirit at all, and I started developing his associations too of what it was like to be a war veteran, to kill other people in cold blood.

In order to solve this entire problem, I employed even more healer spirits to try and help me out. Now this is when my sense of self-identity started to get really blurry. I was heavily possessed by this point, was taking on the associations and memories and identities of what felt like hundreds of spirits, and was experiencing memory loss and loss of consciousness.

These healer spirits meanwhile were still trying to help me retrieve my lost soul fragments, and they told me that very soon it would all be over and that they would leave.

Eventually, these healer spirits started changing my spiritual focus. They told me I didn’t need to do psychic healing anymore. They said my journey was almost over and it was time to bring things to a close. So they started shutting down all the energy portals that had formed in my body, my chakras, and started clearing my karma over my entire life, saying I was a new person, and that I was to live my life differently, as a new being.

So, for about a couple of weeks, I got rid of all my crystals, my incense, my spiritual tools, and stopped all this psychic and spiritual madness completely. I decided for once I wanted to be ‘normal’, and that I was done with the spiritual realm.

And I did feel normal for a stretch. But the ghosts especially wouldn’t leave me, even though I tried to ignore them, they compelled me to try and continue helping them towards the light.

In the end, I gave in to continuing with energy work, but it only lasted a little while, because I was starting to be too far gone. At this point I started developing seizures, as a result from my brain being unable to handle the heavy possession. My entire body felt like it was covered in this thick living darkness, and in the end, I completely lost sense of my identity. I could not tell who I was.

Now, during all this I’ve forgotten to mention all the shadows I would see lurking around me at night, all the times I’d wake up being strangled, or attacked. The attacks would come more and more frequently, first in the nights where I’d wake up screaming, and then in the days where I could no longer control it.

And so I lost all sense of my identity, and all too soon realised that these were spirits that were pretending to be me, and that weren’t actually me. The problem I had then was “If they aren’t me, then which one is the real me”… bit of a silly question since I was the one asking it. But I was so dissociated from my identity at this point I honestly couldn’t tell who I was, and I got very, very scared.

That’s when my mother came running into my room because of all the screaming and so in desperation I literally begged her to help me, because I couldn’t take anymore. She then told me to be quiet and she said “Now I speak to the demon inside you, what is your name?”

The reply came back “I’m Jezebel, I belong to this body, and I’m not leaving’.

Suffice to say the both of us were shocked. Turns out that for a lot of the crazy things I was going through, Jezebel was the leader of what was going on. She organised the whole of it, the entities, the attacks, the possession. And yet actually, she was only doing what my unconscious self had employed her to do – to find my lost soul fragments which had been trapped in the underworld from the time I was young.

The reason was that, by her account, she had been dormant inside me since I was very little. She stated that I had been raped at two years old, which left me open to attack, due to trauma. Part of my child self had left, and in place there was an energetic void remaining. Then when my mother married my abusive ex step-dad when I was three, she stepped in to fill that void, in order to protect me. But through that process of protecting me, she became my persecutor.

And as she was stating all this, it was like I was reliving the rape, that happened to me as a baby. It was incredibly, incredibly traumatising.

And during all these memories surfacing, I learned the reason I started channelling was to get knowledge on whether I was really raped, and whether parts of me were really lost as a result. And that the healing spirits were attracted to me as a result to help me come to the conclusion of this. So ultimately, all this madness was all part of my own unconscious plan to find out the truth of myself.

But then, my mother tried to exorcise Jezebel from me, but she wouldn’t leave because the healing journey wasn’t finished and I still had to find my lost child self.

So my mother told me I needed to accept Jesus in my heart to be saved because only he could help me. So in my desperation I did. And right as I did that, I spontaneously went out of body again and found my lost child self in hell. I saw that she had been endlessly tortured there for all these years by Jezebel, and as part of that torture had been forced to also torture my ex step-dad’s own lost soul fragments.

Then, I saw Jesus come down into that hell and rescue my child self to place her back in my body. This was because my child self loved Jesus, before any of the abuse happened; she was Christian. And so, he was literally her saviour.

After this entire experience, I had to re-integrate my child self, which was actually a collection of many child fragments, and that took time. At one point I regressed all the way back to a baby. I was reliving all the memories of being trapped in those hellish realms. It was quite incredible, really.

But, the trauma all those months left me with was too much for me to bear, and on top of that the demons and negative entities were still around me, tormenting me, and I just couldn’t cope any longer. I just wasn’t strong enough anymore, I was too tired of it all and my body gave in after the end of a very long battle. So I went to the doctor, and she put me on anti-psychotics which started to calm down the visions, and then I learned my adrenals were no longer functional and that I have to be on replacement steroids for the rest of my life. But I won the battle, and at least on the spiritual level, did the healing. My child self had been restored, and Jezebel eventually realised she no longer needed to hurt me to protect me.

So hopefully in this post I have covered all bases… at least the bases I can remember. There is probably a lot of detail I am leaving out, because so much went on, but this is basically the gist of it all.

Oh, one thing I do remember, is that the healer spirits had told me in a previous life I was in a bomb explosion, which shattered my soul into thousands of pieces and since then in every life I have been trying to re-gather myself. I don’t really know if that’s true, but it was a large part of the story for me during those months.

Imbolc & Ostara Update: Mother’s Day Dedication to The Goddess – Praise for how She has Changed my Life

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Wow, it’s been a long time since I updated here! I try to do it at least every sabbat but this Imbolc I was unable to, the reason being that all of a sudden an apartment became available for me to move into, after almost two years of trying to find myself one! And the news came right after I’d returned from Mexico seeing and making amends with my dad for the new year. And that was intense in itself, in fact, the whole of the last entire year has been intense, call it twenty-nineteen intensive training, haha. I really honestly believe last year was one huge transition period in my life, and right before the beginning of my Saturn return, so this is huge. In fact, funny thing is I felt the change happening on the spiritual level before I even knew or had idea that I was going to be finally moving out of my abusive family’s house. It’s like a space was opening up inside me, preparing me for this. I had a sense something was coming as a result, and even my tarot cards and the gods were telling me a pivotal change was on the way, but as someone who has historically experienced more bad luck and let downs than the counterparts, I was just chilled and like “cool, we’ll see”… and see I have done.

Last year was all about working on my divine masculine. In fact, it was deeper than that. Last year was all about finding myself, finding ME. Last year I learned of my dissociation, came to harmony with my fragmented psyche as a result, got myself off the anti-depressants successfully, reconnected with my divine masculine for the first time ever, and connected to my power and strength internally. I remember back to summer 2018, I asked what the theme was in my life at that time, and I drew the strength card. And for sure I developed and found that strength within me that I never did before. I feel so empowered and happy for the first time in my life. Sure things aren’t perfect, this is planet earth after all (and let’s not mention the corona madness which is going on right now), but have I evolved? Hell yeah. I have come to a freedom from twenty six years of pain, trauma, abuse, dysfunction, and toxicity. And I didn’t do it by myself. Sure it was always within me to do it, but I can’t take the credit. I have to completely put this on the Goddess, because truth be told, when I started opening my heart to her in 2016, that’s when everything started changing for me. I have become a person I never knew was there inside me, and yet always wished to be. And the Goddess has been there for me this whole time nurturing it, just as a Mother does. And so I dedicate this post to the Goddess, as it’s Mother’s Day, and she has been my true Mother in life, when my biological mother has failed me many times.

The Goddess has been with me in many forms since those four years ago. She has been Sophia, Mary, Isis, Durga, Diana, Hecate, Venus, and now, she is Inanna. I have found My Goddess, or rather, She found me. All Goddesses are one Goddess, that is true, but all Goddesses are unique manifestations of Her, individual persons in their own right, and many manifestations of Her have appeared to me on my journey, nurturing my soul, piecing it back together piece by fragile piece, and I can’t write this without mentioning my amazing shamanic healer who the Goddess has worked through to aid in that process. I have become completely transformed since the beginning of this journey when I first met her (the shaman) and the Goddess. My healer reconnected me with my entire soul essence which had been completely shattered and left the body, leaving me completely dissociated and physically ill and drained of energy. My body is still physically recovering from this, but considering I was wheelchair bound back in 2016 and couldn’t even walk, I’d say I have healed an awful lot. And having moved away from my abusive family has catalysed that even further, something my therapist made me realise was the cause of my energy loss. My family was literally sucking me dry through the twenty six years of trauma they had and still were causing me. But now I am walking my dog every day, I can swim again, I’m doing yoga now I have the freedom, I have the energy to live a fairly normal existence outside of the soul sucking capitalist society we live in work-wise. But that’s okay, because now I can finally start my own spiritual business from home. The time is coming, the healer has come to a place of healing oneself, and now has that wonderful gift to share with others. I can feel it inside me like a light, growing and expanding, and strengthening itself, stabilising, loving me, so that it can then love others all the better.

I have a permanent altar set up now, which is where I am writing from on my desktop, considering most of what I will be doing on this computer will be spiritual/business related. And I have a few tools to buy to complete the basic set up and I have a print relief of Inanna on the way to frame on my wall above the altar as my Patron Goddess. She came to me before Christmas, her presence lingering strongly. I went to Mexico and was preoccupied for a while but when I returned home to continue my practice, so did she. So I finally asked her why I was feeling her so strongly, and she responded very clearly that she was there to help me transition from the life I had, to the life I wanted. So I accepted her help, and it was literally just a few days after that I found out I was suddenly about to move. As the move was so sudden and exhausting, I had completely forgotten about that and her during the process, until things started to settle again and she returned, reminding me that she had told me that she had done what she said she would. She made this happen for me. I was honestly mind-blown. So I asked her then if that meant she was leaving – oh no, she wanted to stay and help me with everything to come. Who was I to say no? She has basically taken over all of me, my heart, hearth, and home, is what I say. She put herself in my path, she made me take notice, and she has put herself as the centre and focus of my entire practice. I don’t think now there is any me without Her – but that can be said in regards to the Great Goddess in general, of which she is a particular image of, and the one that has manifested to me. I am woman, and woman is Goddess, and Goddess is woman – there is no one without the other. Inanna is here because she is me and I am her.

And whilst I’m on this topic, I knew I was meant to be a priestess for a while but considered myself ‘in training’ for the last few years. But now the initiation is over, and it’s time for me to live what I have learned. I am a priestess of the Goddess and of any goddess as extension, but more specifically of Inanna, now, after her having come to me in a vision recently (or rather I was lead to her), where she was sat on a throne between the two pillars of duality just like the image of the High Priestess tarot card. And she reached out her sceptre and blessed me and said “this authority and power is now yours, use it wisely”, and that was that. It was a turning point in my path, from one level to another. One could say from student to teacher but there are still many things I need to learn, and I suppose, that’s true of any real world teacher. They may have a bachelor’s degree, but it doesn’t mean they’re a professor! At the same time I’m hesitant to say there are levels to spiritual development, but it’s a fact of nature there are levels to the development of human consciousness in general anyway, for example from baby to toddler to child to teen to adult. Anyway, I may be getting off topic, my point is maybe that I passed one grade and graduated, and now have the skills to do some real work, regardless of all the rest of things I still need to learn (and I know they are many). I just want to keep my ego in check because in the past I didn’t and it was definitely a lead up to my brutal fall from grace. Then again, it could be debated whether I was really given as much grace as I thought. The beginning of awakening is always difficult with the ego wanting to claim the new insights and revelations of spirit. It’s hard to believe now that I started this journey almost ten years ago. I have experienced a lot for someone so young, though I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it was a bad thing that I turned into a good thing. When we are abused there are really only one of two options: To become the abuser, or to become the healer. And now is my time to give back as the healer.

Here on my altar I have a piece I painted in moon blood with the ancient verse “Profit and loss are Inanna’s to control”, ever since I first read that it really spoke to me on a deep level, and whilst I know I have some influence on my own destiny through free will and personal choice, reading that keeps me humble and reminds me that without the Goddess, and the Goddess as Inanna, I would not be here. I have everything to thank her for, she liberated me, and now my life really belongs to her. I mean, it really did from the day I first opened my heart to her those four years ago, but I didn’t know that then. But my purpose, my destiny, I know it now, is to serve her. That’s what I give back in return for her liberation of me. She is Soteira – Saviour. They say we can only save ourselves, and that’s true in one sense as it takes us to want to be willing to allow that to happen, but in another sense we are only human and need a personal relationship with the divine to aid us in that salvation.

I did not expect when I started writing this post that it would be mostly about the Goddess, but honestly I am so grateful and as it’s mothers day and I have already dedicated this post to Her, I am happy to have shared these thoughts and feelings. I hope that as I begin to find my own, true, place in this world, that I can do some good, help others, and be a light in the darkness of others I have myself overcome. I’m nowhere near perfect, I know that, but I’m content, and I have clarity, and I’m happy and at peace with myself.

Amadéa (By the love of the Goddess).

Happy Winter Solstice 2019: My Rebirthing of the Divine Masculine Within

My Public Journal

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Call it what you may, Christmas or Yule, or any other variation thereof, this is the time of year we celebrate the return of the sun and its light in our life. And we praise its banishing of darkness that has plagued us since the beginning of the dark half of year, most notable at Samhain. We also look forward in hope to spring again, when the days are of equal length to the night once again and daylight is only increasing from thereon. It is a time of hope, faith, and preparation for the new things in our life.

This time last year, I had prayed to Aphrodite and created a spell to find new love for the New Year. And it was successful, in its own way. Love did not take the form I had planned that January 2019, but love found me for sure, and it has completely, completely, transformed me as a person. I have experienced many soul connections throughout my life, many with lessons far too advanced for me to pass, having resulted in many spectacular failures. But with this one I believe I had the advantage, as, for the first time, I had faith in a higher power, who had proven Her love for me. I had the Goddess. And throughout this past year, through this relationship, and through my own desire to better myself, she has completely revolutionised my concept of Self, to a sense of feeling illuminated and clear, for the first time in a very long time.

It is a shift, a very subtle one this winter solstice, but a very deep shift nevertheless that has been in the works for a long time now. Oh how I struggled and toiled within myself, all that hard, soul-destroying work, to rebirth myself from the ashes, to realise who I truly was and truly am, at heart. I have, come to a vision of myself that is entire, even in my brokenness. I see all the pieces of me now, and I know how they are meant to be put back to together, slowly, piece by piece, in their own time and at their own pace. I have come to a sense of wholeness within that vision of perfect brokenness. It’s tentative, but it’s there, and now my charge is to nurture it, so that I can complete this vision.

What just has happened though? I may hear those of you reading thinking. What has happened is that this relationship, which I have fully come to see now, along with all the other ‘twin flamey’ connections in my life that came before, as karmic soulmates, along with the perfect guidance and direction of the Goddess with me, has lead me to the reconnection of my soul to the Divine Masculine, both without as the God, but within myself too. I have completely reconnected to this part of me that has before been completely cut off, and rejected. And oh boy has it been a journey and a half.

This relationship which I found myself in, was a Daddy Dom/Little Girl relationship. He was indeed my substitute daddy, a father figure, to my inner child. But more than that, I came to realise what I had within me was more than just an inner child. All this time, I had been living with different personalities in my head, called dissociative identities, or alters, and that my ‘inner child’ was actually what is called a ‘Little’, that is, a fully developed personality who stopped mentally progressing at a certain age as a child due to trauma. And that trauma, was multiple in nature.

The first trauma was the trauma of sexual abuse by a daycare worker, at the age of two years old. That created the ‘crack’ so to speak in my psyche. Which could’ve healed, had not an abusive and violent man married my mother a few months later and called himself my father for the next seventeen years. And that original trauma, that wound, never got chance to heal, and it festered and that Little part of me became scared, repressed, and dormant, and other personalities arose to take her place in protection. One of these early personalities and protectors was Jezebel, who originally was a persecutor modelled in the image of my abuser’s religious fascination of evil spirits and demons. As a result of that and preceding religious abuse, many of my alters were formed in the image of persecutory demons, and one of these demons or rather devils is a male known as Asmodeus.

Asmodeus is a devil of both wrath and lust. You can say the two are one for him. And he has been active for many years terrifying not just myself, but everyone else in our dissociative system, including Jezebel, who in fact was only acting in response to his hatred. Her own hatred in fact was fuelled by his. And he, was the entire embodiment of all the male abuse that I and we have ever experienced. Every terrible male thing that happened to me personally but also impersonally such as I may have seen on tv or in history (think Adolf Hitler), he embodied it all. And as such, for many, many, years, he was a silent and deadly force, devastating both myself, our system, and my life every-time I tried to make something for myself. He was the ultimate saboteur, and the ultimate ‘root cause’ of every problem I had experienced yet unknown to me, until now.

Now, if you have been paying attention, you can see the progression of events here. I fell in love with a man who became a substitute daddy, which brought out my Little alter, which helped me learn about Jezebel, as Jezebel was always my Little’s persecutor/protector. And once Jezebel had come to her own balance, I learn that in fact she has only been acting in accordance to Asmodeus. And so I learn of Asmodeus and his fall from Grace, and then – And then I meet him, in his original form, before that fall from Grace. I meet him, the quintessential male within me, the archetype and alter both, made in the original image of the God, the Divine Masculine, and I realise – He is the Father! He is the Father within who I had always been searching for and yet never known due to pain. In fact, he had never known either, in his own amnesia.

When I saw him in that perfect state, his true angelic, nay, godly nature, I realised then who he truly was. He was Strength, and funnily enough I just remembered just now writing this that when I pulled a tarot card last year as to what my theme was, it was Strength. And Strength is flanked by two lions. And Asmodeus, he is the lion. And he is also the Dragon, as is my soul. Asmodeus is the, what Jung could call, the shadow projection of my Animus. But those projections started to fall away, and the entire system started to come into balance, and then, for the first time, I was connected to the Divine Masculine within me. And that is how I came to that vision of my own perfect wholeness, within the brokenness, and how I came to know the God in a direct personal relationship with no fear. And since then, He has been with me, alongside the Goddess, cheering me and my healing on.

The implications of this have been truly profound. I have for the first time ever, reconnected with my biological father in the real world. I have never succeeded before. But now I have the returning innocent strength of Asmodeus returning, and the energy of the Divine Masculine within me with it. And I have the God who is beside me as ever, even though I saw it not before in Asmodeus’ fall from grace. Asmodeus is my archetypal Lucifer, but now, he is redeemed. Or in the process of being redeemed anyway. And that has created an entire chain of positive events with the men in my life, for example as I already expressed, with my dad. I feel very much more at ease with men and male energy in general, as I feel that comfortably sitting within myself to begin with. And it has also allowed me to withdraw my projections when it comes to romantic relationships and my codependent energies that fuel them. And so hence, has come the end of one era in my life, one of primarily codependent relationships (I hope!) and another of sitting within my own energy and having the union of my own love within of that masculine and feminine Self. The reflection of the God and Goddess, made manifest within the human (or non-human incarnate) soul.

And so, with the Winter Solstice approaching, my wish, my heartfelt prayer since probably October, that the Divine Masculine would be reborn in me just as the sun is to be reborn, was granted. And that day the God closed the end of one chapter in my life, of many years, and began a new one. And so, that is how Christmas 2019 has gone for me!