11/09/2020: Post-cannabis sleep paralysis

I have to get these down, it’s handy to have record of it.

I had a nap this morning after vaping enough cannabis last night just to get rid of my pain, I didn’t get high.

In the nap I woke up with sleep paralysis. And there was the usual post-cannabis sleep paralytic vertigo. But this time it was throughout my whole body, especially in certain spots like my stomach, my left hip, and the left side of my chest. This happened when something took hold of my consciousness and made me stop trying to wake myself up and instead just embrace what was going to happen.

I was in pain, that was for sure. Some of it was fear, though that was secondary. The vertigo though… it ceased to feel like a sensation and became more like a presence, a presence that was pressing into me, suffocating me. I suppose this is the classic sleep paralysis case at this point BUT-

Here’s the kicker. My body started to become physiologically aroused. Meaning, I was going to orgasm. And that’s when I knew this presence, this, well, incubus, who has harassed me many times sexually before not in a state of sleep paralysis. A name didn’t come in the moment but consciously my mind considers either James or Asmodeus. And the curious thing is now I think on it, I had asked him at some point in the last 12 hours why he’s so mean to me. I think that was before bed last night.

There is some sick thrill he has in ‘paralysing’ or in a sense killing his victims and getting sexually high off the pain it causes them. But, there is part of me that responds differently, masochistically even, though I suppose it’s all part of it. Channels that fear into pleasure. It probably feeds him more.

What I experienced with the vertigo hovering over those areas of my body whilst he was there, is that, well firstly, the vertigo was caused by him and the pressure on those areas of my body are wounds he’s inflicted. Take my stomach with my gastritis, in fact I was thinking about this falling asleep for my nap. The vertigo was strongest there. Then the left side of my chest, that is also a weak muscle caused by myofascial pain syndrome. As for my left hip, I think that was just because my hand was resting there. But my hips are weak due to osteopenia and the left side of my body too in general.

I had to write this down as soon after it happened. I know it’s a classic sleep paralysis case but considering I’ve had benign sleep paralysis thousands of times before, have psychoactive cannabis in my system, and also recognised the actual presence… it was all too relevant for me.

08/09/2020: Cannabis initiation

Last night I decided to do some energy healing which I haven’t done purposefully for a while. So I said the words “reiki reiki reiki” but since a little while ago when I tuned into spirit again myself and don’t need the reiki program anymore to activate the flow of healing energy I drifted off into all the various energies that started presenting themselves as is what’s happened since then. There was a rainbow energy, and another energy this time that I now forget. And then, the cannabis energy.

I sense the cannabis spirit permeating my house these days. She’s got some big yoni energy, lol. Anyway, yeah, she’s powerful, not just any plant, but a shamanic plant. In my vision, well, first I was channeling energy into my heart and then felt I needed to channel into my sacral at the same time. Then I felt like I needed a hand on my head too for related energy balancing. But of course I only have two hands. So I did the first thing that came to mind and created an extra energy arm and hand basically a third one for me to channel into my head. Then the energy was properly balancing between all three energy centres.

That’s when the cannabis spirit energy came through, channeling through all my three hands and realigning my energy body. I realised then the connection was strong as I was somewhat under the influence (not high, I’d just had half a weak canna cookie to ease some of my physical pain) and the cannabis plant was once again speaking to me as she had done before.

That was when suddenly a bunch of seemingly previously disparate things clicked together inside me and I had fully embodied and identified with the role of shaman in that moment. This was my initiation, from student to practitioner. The cannabis had just completed my education.

I don’t know what that makes her to me. Was that a passing influence on her part? Or will I be working with her in a much more shamanic capacity from now on?

She’s certainly wonderful.

05/09/2020: High Visions

Saw a star above my head, soul star chakra, felt like I was gonna get ejected but got distracted by noise outside.

Lots of sexual energy released… maybe my monster too. Imaginations of sex and violence were twisted together. Suddenly a large tall guy was standing a couple of meters away. He smirked and said “are you ready to take me back now” fully expecting me to say yes. Even stoned out of my mind, I said no. Him, everyone inside, were shocked. I told him to go away.

Confusion ensued. “Should I be saying yes to reconnect with myself? He’s probably an alter? Or no to keep boundaries enforced?”

I noticed an energy embedded deep within my own, parasitic, like a virus, hiding unknown. I cut it out with my fingers/dragon claws. I threw it into the earth then channelled the full-moon light into the wound for healing and protection. A swan turned up as a full-moon animal and I charged it with protecting the wound.

Still confused over that other guy I saw, I asked Lilith for help. Bad idea maybe? I couldn’t help but self-pleasure, feelings were overwhelming. But I was thrown back in the past with exes. I wanted to be disgusted with myself but being too high, I couldn’t find the energy or care.

A voice told me afterwards, “that’s all your grief you never expressed, all your pain, you keep it locked down, you know this”. I knew it wasn’t reflective of how I feel now.

That’s mostly all I remember, before being falling into sleep. Had an experience my astral body unfurled into draconic version.

Had intense dreams – About becoming and accepting myself as LGBT.

Oh! Had a vision or rather I was astrally on Mars. Can’t remember the timeline of when this happened, but I was connecting with the core of Mars like I do the core of Earth, and connecting to the earth element, but from Mars, not Earth. I saw space from Mars POV.

At the beginning of it all, I had a funky dream/imagination/vision I was dancing and self-pleasuring inside a trichome. It was the cannabis spirit enveloping me completely, my aura and own spirit.

My Wheel of the Year

February:
February 1st – Imbolc: Peak of seasonal winter
February 14th – Juno Februata also known as Valentine’s Day
February 19th – My tropical ‘moon-day’ and earth day

March:
March 8th – International Women’s Day
March 21st – Ostara: Vernal equinox, and astrological new year

April:
April 22nd – International Mother Earth Day

May:
May 1st – Beltane or May Day: Peak of seasonal spring
May 4th – ‘May the Force’ be with you, international Star Wars day

June:
June – International Pride Month
June 13th – BTS anniversary
June 21st – Litha: Summer solstice

July:
July 1st – Lammas: Peak of seasonal summer

August:
August 31st – My ‘sun-day’ or birthday

September:
September 16th – Mexican Independence Day
September 21st – Mabon: Autumnal equinox

October:
October 8th – International Lesbian Visibility Day

November:
November 1st – Samhain: Peak of seasonal autumn
November 2nd – Day of the Dead

December:
December 20st – Beginning of Yule, the Winter solstice
December 25th – Peak of Yule also known as Christmas
December 31st – End of Yule, and end of the calendar year

To be updated and amended with time.

Lammas’ Message For Me

Animal Magick Card Reveal

Mangrove Seed & Barnacles
“Mangroves prevent erosion, provide protection, and can filter out salt water. Their seeds can float for a year before finding the perfect place to set roots. They stand between land and sea. Duality, balance.”

Turtle Spirit
“Slow and steady wins the race. Turtle reminds you to just put one foot in front of the other and trust in your powers to manifest your intentions in perfect timing. Don’t rush around trying to force matters. Move slowly and take time to stay aligned with your intuition. Contemplate the road you’re on. Doing what you need to one small step at a time and stay aware. These are still crucial practices when moving toward your goal. Be patient. Focus on the now. Let the next step appear from the fog organically. Don’t push too hard or leave others in the dust. Feel water energy surround you and move forward with determination but steadiness. You have a strong shell, you are protected. No need to go fast. Do without doing and everything will get done. Simply be. The journey ahead of you is long but enjoy the view as you forge ahead.”

Celtic Tarot Card Spread

The Situation: Two of Coins
Juggling and balancing priorities: One coin is my daily life and the second coin in my spiritual life – Harmonising the two.

Help/Hindrances: Three of Cups
The Triple Goddess is with me, within me, I have integrated the Divine Feminine which is my guiding aid.

Subconscious Influence: Queen of Wands
An aspect of myself or alter that is pushing me to be better, pushing me to become my higher self by facing my shadows and transforming them into self-empowerment.

The Past: Six of Swords
I’m a refugee, having travelled and moved from a bad environment to a new better one. I went through a period of transition and life altering change.

My Goal: Three of Wands
To keep moving forward with the experience I have now to overcome any further challenges ahead of me, to have a clear vision and plan of attack for the future.

Possible Near Future: Queen of Coins Reversed & The Empress Reversed
Two cards that fell out when asking this question. First card speaks of focusing on my own finances and working to become independent through self-employment. Second card expands upon that by expressing this will be achieved through allowing my creativity and personal passions guide me, those things which are inevitably connected to focusing on my own healing through connecting to the natural world.

How I Affect the Situation: Eight of Wands
Quickening and movement after a period of struggle and being blocked. Enthusiastic energy and finally making strides towards my desires. Letting my passions propel me forward.

Effects of Others/The Environment: The Hierophant
Still in the right place for this stage of my journey, still the initiate, still learning, still being the student of my circumstances.

Advice: Ace of Wands
Follow my joy!

Possible Final Outcome: Death
Dying completely to my old self, becoming a new person in a new ‘reality’. Self-actualising.

My Interpretation

This shouts spiritual career to me, all of it, as it’s been on my mind for so many years. And in alignment with the message of Lammas, the message of harvest, the message here for me is that right now I’m beginning to reap the rewards of all the hard work I put in previously and now the real work can begin. And yet I am still not ‘fully ripened’, there are two more harvests and then a winter to go through, before the beginning of the new year. My life has always synced up perfectly with nature’s seasons and this will be no different. So I will take my time with this newly freed up energy, finding my foundation before I’m finally ready to begin what I was born to do.

23/07/2020: Shamanic meditations

Experience 1:
Am in a room with my alters, making link diagrams on the wall trying to fighting everything out, what I believe. Trying to find a truth, and ultimately, a course of action inspired by that truth. The link diagram has things added to it by alters working with me, their experiences, thoughts and beliefs informing my own. I see folders around me full of bits of information I’ve pulled. This is an active investigation.

Experience 2:
I’m holding my obsidian egg. I’m reminded of my dragon power animal. I then remember the obsidian is called the dragon stone, making me wonder if that’s why I have a strong connection to it.

I see my dragon and I’m stroking her. She looks like a Chinese dragon, with the whiskers, black and navy. She’s lying on the ground peacefully. There’s a feeling of affection. I ask her why that’s so when we haven’t met before, she communicates to me through feeling that we have met before, through our feelings. We already have an established relationship.

A bad guy comes along and she breathes fire at him disintegrating him. She then turns her head and nuzzles me, and tells me to hop on her neck/back. Once I’m on she tells me to sleep, that I’m safe, and she’s my mother. I do so, feeling tucked within her wings.

03/07/2020: Full Lunar Eclipse Shamanic Journey

Tarot Reading:

Cards shuffled beforehand for insight of theme, two cards fell out the deck:

– The Queen of Swords Reversed
– The Hanged Man Reversed (drawn for a second time, but upside down)

Part One:

I start at the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I am on its branches. There a snake awaits me.

“Did Lilith eat of this fruit?” I ask.

“Indeed” The snake replies. “All of us who survived have. You are the only who has not. You are yet unenlightened.”

I look around me, and I’m in the garden of Eden, but destruction has been wrought upon it.

I climb further up the branches and see the world as far as my eye can see. The apocalypse has come.

And yet in all the destruction one thing remains: This tree, all throughout the land. All shining with the fruit of knowledge of good and evil.

“And what if I eat the fruit?”

“You will gain immortality, just like the trees, just like us.”

I am at first uneasy, but I eat of the fruit.

Suddenly, I am transformed into a snake. A vortex of energy swirls around me and I find myself descending the tree and going deep into the ground with my companion snake.

Under the ground is a cave-like opening, with a natural pool in the centre and many other snakes congregating around it. They are discussing among themselves how to survive the apocalypse.

“We can rebuild the world, with the fruit; our power.”

“And what if the humans destroy it yet again?”

“We shall bring them down before their hubris does it for them.”

“The other animals agree with us.”

They look towards me. “What is your plan?”

“I shall bite their ankles when they sin, so that they stumble”, is my response.

There the vision ends.

Part Two:

I climb a ladder down to a great unknown.

At the bottom awaits a ginormous black dragon, emerging from somewhere deeper still.

The dragon rouses. “What are you doing here?”

“I am an explorer and came across your abode. I mean not to intrude.”

“Not to worry. You have found me, the core of your being. Come sit upon my neck.”

I do as asked. Suddenly the dragon bellows and soars up and up, exploding out of the ground and into the sky.

Around us destruction still lays. And yet the sun is on the horizon. We ride towards it.

“The sun will always rise.” The dragon mentions to me.

As we fly, I become the dragon myself, heading towards the sun and leaving the planet. Along the way, I transform into a Phoenix, taking on entirely the element of fire.

Arriving in the sun’s core, I am again a dragon. I absorb the sun’s fiery energy within me, breathing deep, and then blow it out, aiming towards the earth.

First I aim in all of the four quarters. Then I aim at the earth’s core reigniting it. The earth is volcanic once again, just like during its original inception, and the moon around it is pulled into this fiery rebirth.

I fly back to the earth, circling around, my snake friends now all dragons joining me too. We fly around, before heading off to the stars.

“Now we must wait until earth’s rebirth is complete”.

I fly to the Sirius star system and enter its central sun. Within it I become dormant, transforming into the organic form of diamond, hibernating within myself until earth is ready once again.

There the vision ends.

25/05/2020: Meditation upon the stars

I was trying to figure out my starseed origins. It was confusing and something didn’t sit right, especially about the Pleiadians, but also about how I was seeking externally. I listened to myself and I was saying to me that I needed to listen to my intuition, to tune into my own truth.

I got fluorite out as I felt it’d help, it kinda connected me with my third eye and made me see some general healing things. Then I got my lapis lazuli out holding onto the fluorite and had a beautiful vision of being a star, my soul is a star. It was like an ultimate truth.

I had to take my dog out and it was a really clear sky so I decided to go to the park to stargaze. I took the two crystals with me asking to inspire me whilst star gazing. I had a breakthrough in feeling out the truth which told me to meditate on the stars with the powerful third eye the flourite showed me I have, powerful enough to cross light years.

It was an ahah moment. I meditated on the stars I felt drawn to which I could see-

Vega: Mystical energy, symbolic pictures. First I saw a new crescent moon for lunar energy. Then I saw a butterfly for spiritual beauty and freedom, thirdly I saw a cat probably because they’re cat people.

Arcturus: I found myself rushing through a portal or rather an intergalactic highway which lead to a portal with Arcturus being a stargate. The beings were welcoming and friendly. They kinda felt like a tourist destination as a waypoint.

Antares: Immediate bad feeling, felt constricted and gooey, just bad news whatever happened there. Left it immediately.

Deneb: Closed off energy, protective, ‘invisible’. Didn’t want to be seen.

Then I saw a shooting star and decided it was time to leave as the crystals had shown me the path ahead with my searching. As I was leaving I realised the shooting star was a sign that my wish to understand more has and will be answered.

08/05/2020: Channelling Estelle

Greetings, darling one. I am come to you from another time. Where we do not focus on the issues you do. In that sense out own consciousness blending with yours may cause confusion. We are talking to you from the collective. There is much to tell you about your journey, from where you have come and to where you shall find yourself.

When we mention time as another place you must remember that what we see as time is more like a continuum of experience from one realm to another. That said when you are outside time you experience your identity as an entire whole, all aspects of it whether explored in time or not.

Your interest in the subject of gender and sexuality, the two being entwined, is in fact a marker of consciousness expanding beyond the fourth or temporal dimension. As a collective we have already come to understanding of this and your image of the divine as you perceive her to be is merely reflecting your higher self beyond these space-time experiences. I would not call them limitations, but rather explorations into one facet of consciousness that your soul (i.e us) can better use to experience itself.

And so we come to you from outside your 3D/4D perception to express your blending of consciousness and deepening knowledge of our own mastery and creationship over our own inner world which has the influence on this one. And so when you feel that confusion – remember your mind is expanding to concepts and feelings yet that you have not come to understand in its entirety.

And so we are here to guide from the external vantage point as we vicariously experience through you the confusion that expansion brings. Remember dear soul, you can be any and all you desire and want to be. The human body as real as it is in physicality, is only one portion of your consciousness, one portion of your entire identity and this is when problems can arise when the two are not sufficiently determined from another.

It’s good now you have accepted the female body as it is regardless of emotion – now when you cast that physicality aside – who are you ‘inside’? What blend of personality and gender expression and sexual and physical pleasures are you left with? Think on that and there you will find your answer.

We may be interconnected as a system but remember ultimately we are one because we desire the same thing. And when you follow your heart, that you will come to see, know, and understand what that thing is.

The Purpose Behind Coronavirus: A Mini Tarot Reading

What is the purpose of this coronavirus situation?

Seven of Wands: Upheaval, conflict, defence against a common enemy, fighting for security and stability, coming out on top of struggle and crisis, finding unity and solidarity through standing up for our world and all inhabitants therein.

What is the influence of the demiurge in this?

Eight of Cups:  Dissatisfaction with the status quo, giving up on the failing old world order, things can’t go on the way they have been, leaving a mess for others to clear up behind them, dormancy and lack of continuing influence, losing power and authority, a disappearance of discordant energies causing collective re-balancing.

Are we entering a new age on this planet?

Five of Pentacles: We will be seeing the extent of corruption of power within the church-state, class divide will be highlighted causing a global shift in the distribution of wealth, things may get worse before they better, inequality of the human condition will be faced, a global dark night of the soul on the journey towards collective healing.

What will be the outcome of this situation?

The Magician: Magick aka “the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will”, the power of the common people to pull together to create desired and needed change in the world, finding unity and evolving towards higher consciousness, creating a more stable and harmonious economical system on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

What do we need to know above all about this? What is the core theme?

The World: Huge irreversible change on a global level, transformation and evolution of the human species, the transition from one age to another, the end of an era and the dawn of a new one, graduating from one stage of human consciousness to the next.