09/11/2020: Myofascial trigger point therapy self help session

I have located three main trigger point pairs in my body causing three main ‘conditions’ I was diagnosed with over the years:

1. The first I came across without knowing they were trigger points were from guided meditation in therapy and then my mechanical shiatsu massage I used on my neck. This pair is at the point the back of the neck meets the shoulder, and these primarily cause my diagnosis of chronic migraine.

2. The second I came across first through yin yoga then through intuitively prodding still before realising they were trigger points are the pair on the outer edge of my gluteus medius (possibly actually the piriformis, the two muscles are very close together). Massaging these with my fingers for a few seconds would instantly relieve my diagnosis of ‘sciatica’.

3. The third I have found now through trigger point therapy are a pair or should I say two pairs on my brow bone, one pair on the inner brow bone and one pair on the outer brow bone, and these are responsible primarily for my diagnosis of ‘idiopathic hypersomnia’ and secondarily for migraine.

I do not have any of these conditions. I have myofascial pain syndrome brought about by C-PTSD, as the trigger point therapy at home is working. I wonder if it’s worth bringing this up to my doctor.

Furthermore, when I press on the points but ESPECIALLY the left outer gluteus medius (or piriformis) trigger point, my alters are activated along with all their physical dysfunctions i.e. the referred ‘pain map’, except in this case the referred pain activation is emotional and psychological as well as physical. I will bring this up with my therapist. The most important of all these being the left outer gluteus medius/piriformis trigger point which activates completely Asmodeus, who is my persecutor/protector for sexual abuse experienced in my amnesiac past. This means, yes, I am reliving the experience during the pressing of this point. It is perhaps important to note as a link that often when I press these gluteus medius/piriformis trigger points it can also feel extremely orgasmic, as my sexual anxiety as a result of the abuse is instantly relieved. So it is not always a terrible experience.

I do not know how long it takes to permanently deactivate these trigger points, if indeed that’s possible. Perhaps that is written about later on in the book I’m currently studying.

I do know however with all this deep emotional work happening as a result, my rose quartz massage wand I’ve been using is not enough and I need to get myself an obsidian massage wand.

One could say these are also stagnant or blocked energy points and channeling reiki into them has also helped.

I believe this is entirely the ancient Chinese practice of acupuncture summed up. The physical effect of the needles placed in the myofascial trigger points and the spiritual effect of energy channeled through the needles to unblock the corresponding subtle ‘chi’.

I am learning so much.

06/11/2020: Today’s card: Death

I was surprised to receive this, but then realising that I’d been considering name changes very seriously last night and prayed about it this morning just before picking a card, this is what it must be referring to, my need and goal for total transformation by disconnecting myself – dying – to my mother, to everything she entails, to my old life and old me. So I take this as a positive sign, to continue going ahead, or at least even if not a sign, it confirms how I am feeling, and that only good can become of it, for after death of course is rebirth, or salvation, depending on your world view.

25/10/2020: Meditation

I keep going out of body lately when I meditate. It happened again today.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. In the moment it’s just a thing, neither good or bad.

I felt scared though and anchored onto the breath, focusing on my breathing. Thought stopped existing but it felt too much like when I’m dissociating and have brain fog. Only the breath kept me centered and feeling some connection to my body, like a strong tether. For a while I was just in this strange place of my mind miles outside my body in a scary ‘no thought’ place but my breath inside my body fully living. I felt like if I were to stop breathing or that connection to the breath were to be severed… I’d die, and float around like a wight.

Scary…

20/10/2010: Sunday night experience

I am shattered. I’ve spent the last month in my shadows, letting them play… my worst alters and aspects of myself. Trying to understand them, to accept them as part of me, to integrate and eventually heal them. I’ve run out of energy now and I sense it’s time to rest and assimilate, because this will all be back at a later date… it is inevitable as time has shown they are always lurking, and this is the first time I have ever faced them. I did well. Even though I only got a glimpse into this extensive, damaged dysfunction… I did well. I should be proud of myself.

The other night I think kinda kicked off this realisation that I need to rest now but also had me making changes in my life… much needed for some time but… but body really is shattered and I need some real recovery time.

Basically I realised I am addicted to my smart phone, and at one time (well, most of my adult life) it was a means of escape and served me as a form of freedom away from the pain I wasn’t able to escape in my family environment. From aged 16 to aged 27, just over a whole decade of addiction. Which now I have my freedom away from that abusive, traumatic environment, no longer serves me.

But how do you reign in an addiction when the tool for the addiction is always there? Thankfully my iPhone has this smart ‘screen time’ function where I was able to set it to lock me out between 9pm and 10am. An entire 13 hours every day without smart phone access. Sunday night was my first night of this.

You’d think I’d sleep great without the distraction and noise of social media, but in fact I’ve never slept so poorly. I’ve had a mysterious migraine and I’m in bed for most of all those 12 hours completely exhausted but unable to sleep and just tossing and turning from side to side. It’s… its own form of torture.

So that brings me back to Sunday night and what actually happened. I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, and all I can hear is the NOISE in my brain, so much NOISE. And I ask it to be quiet, I ask the alters to be quiet, I ask everything to be quiet, but they are so loud. It’s all the anxiety and anger and tension I’ve been focusing on the last month, amplifying purposely within my own self in my bid to understand and heal. But now it’s carried away from me, out of my control, and the noise will not stop.

I do not remember what happened first, but I will present the events as such: I become aware of something in my body-aura that is not right, I chalked it down to illness or lack of sleep and general imbalance, but as I become aware of it I see that there are six entities standing around me chanting in a rite, chanting in a way you’d think was trying to help but it is so noisy and in a bid of desperation, feeling so disconnected from my spirit allies, I call out in the one place above me where there is silence:

“Please, if any kind, helpful, loving, guiding spirit, who is out there can hear me, and has the tools to help my current plight, please come to my aid, because I’m in agony”.

All of a sudden this imbalance in my aura, I see it disappear like a ghostly serpent the colour kind of like old vomit, receding away from me and a strong presence of complete silence and calm descends upon me and my mind, and I feel all of me hugged as if to say it’s alright, I can rest now. I cry in this loving presence firstly not expecting anyone to come to my aid as I have been blocked from feeling my allies again during this period, and secondly just crying in relief of this peace and love. I then notice the chanting of those six entities has stopped and those entities left with the sickly energy together. That is when I suddenly placed this energy that I had been dealing with: Insanity.

I remember this spirit, or alter, at this point I’m not sure. This arch-nemesis of mine (well, I have a lot of nemeses lol), I remember this cursed feeling and I remember his influence now that it’s gone. During my expedition to discover and heal the darkness within me, I had invited insanity back inside. And now for the first time in the last month since, he was driven off.

I thank whichever spirit came to my aid, and ask her to stay with me to help guide me in figuring this all out. It is her presence I sense now telling me to rest and rebuild my strength to face this foe once again in the future, for he will return, that is inevitable… they always return. But for now I must recenter myself and my peace, until then.

I learned a lot from this encounter and it has me musing on its lessons. There is a lot more to learn here, I know. But for now I must have the strength to rest.

I do not know who the ally was. I sense I probably already know her. Because even if I can’t feel them, they are always there.

I hope this entire ordeal brings me strength of character.

12/10/2020: Death

I walk down a dark corridor. At the end is a forest and Death is there waiting for me. There is an open coffin and he motions to get inside. I do.

He buries me with dirt and darkness. Everything disappears and there is only darkness and my floating in it. All the darkness is sucked inside me and I find myself somewhere that feels underground in a pitch black room, with a strange ghostly light from above only reflecting the ripples of my footsteps as I walk on what appears to be water.

Death is then on my right side. He motions to a red door in front of me. I ask what’s through there. “It’s your choice”, he replies. Every question I ask is repeated with this one answer: “It’s your choice”.

I open the door slowly and peek through. There are demons, devils, rooms upon rooms of torture chambers, dungeons. There are devils that are psychopaths, murderers, the worst of the worst in what I know is my own personal hell. There are stairs going down and I walk down past more and more floors of this depravity. There is an orgy going off to one side someplace… there is a cackling voice somewhere else as if a devil notices me and finds it hideously amusing. I walk through… untouched, nauseated… yet unafraid. I know my mind, even if this is the first time I’ve seen the basement as such.

At the bottom of the stairs is another corridor. I walk down it and under the floor is a little cell, barring in a young girl. She asks me to help her. I struggle to say yes, feeling like I just want to leave her there… in the end I cave in as if to say “what the hell” and get her out. An interesting conversation ensues:

Her: Thanks for saving me
Me: It’s okay, who hurt you?
Her: He’s gone now
Me: Why are they all gone?
Her: Did you notice when you walked through none of them demons bothered you?
Me: Yes
Her: Do you know why?
Me: Because I wasn’t afraid of them?
Her: Exactly. I was left because I wasn’t afraid of them anymore
Me: So why were you trapped in here?
Her: Because I got stuck

I notice Death appear at the end of the corridor again. I sense the girl is supposed to go to him. Suddenly she’s afraid now. I suggest we go to Death together, and we do.

Next moment we fall down and down and down… into another pitch black room that looks like…. a waiting room? There is kind of waiting room music and we go and sit on a waiting room couch which was brown leather. Next to us is another couch and a skeleton was sat there also waiting.

A door opens and a doctor steps out and calls us into her office. I ask why we’re there and where exactly are we. “This is ground zero, and phase one”, she explains as she does a medical checkup on the girl. “It looks like you’re healthy and cleared for phase two”. I ask her what phase two is. “Phase two is where those who find themselves here are sent hard to work on the next level up”. I feel hesitant but the girl seems eager to work, saying it’s better than where she came from at least.

I ask the doctor where this is all going and we get in an elevator and go up and up until we’re looking down upon all the levels. “This is how one ascends through the consciousness ladder when they transition from death once again to the living”. Someone comes to take the girl away to begin her work back down on the second floor and next thing I remember I am back in the first pitch black room with Death again.

Death tells me, “this has been your journey of going down, up till now. But now is your journey of going up. You are going up now, and I am here with you”. I sit with Death for a moment and know I know him. He hands me some sunglasses before I leave, telling me they may help me see clearer whilst blocking out the light if it becomes too bright for me.

Then he brings me back to my body because I’m tired.

I draw a tarot card and it’s the Ace of Wands. I drew a tarot card before the journey and it was the Knight of Cups.

06/10/2020: Energy genetics

A series of realisations…

First being taken back to my conception and re-experiencing the selfishness of my mother’s decision to have me.

Then last night I was chatting to a friend who made me remember what my father said – how he broke up with my mother because she believed Catholics were demon possessed – but how I wasn’t even born yet at that point and she was already considering my potential possession, and the effects that would imprinted on me in the womb.

Then as I was out walking this morning I realised how the words ‘energetically’ and ‘genetically’ have the same letters rearranged…. the same words.

And I was thinking on my current facing complexes within my psyche, demonic ones and alters, Asmodeus and now Beelzebub.

Suddenly it hit me. These alters…. don’t just come out of nowhere. They were handed down to me energetically from her, through her projections and imprints onto me, right from the womb.

And then… the fact that it’s not just energetically but literally genetically too because right from the womb my DNA was being imprinted with her own undealt with psychological complexes. That’s scientifically a thing (epigenetics).

So literally, what I am dealing with right now is her shit, her psychological, epigenetic, energetic – undealt with, narcissistic traumatic shit, way down the ancestral line.

I’m still dealing with my conception!

What’s the answer? I need to cut it off from me. I literally need to cut off her projections from me energetically and hence genetically from me, right from the time I was conceived. I need to cut the line, the cord, right from the beginning, right from day one.

And I realise as an egg I existed within her ever since she was born too, in her mother’s womb… but I think that’s going a but far and isn’t my current focus.

I think now I know what I’ll do on the waning/dark moon as I was considering doing something. And funnily enough the dark/new moon will be in Scorpio this month (I think, it’s a blue moon so I will need to check that, but it should still be).

I need to cut my ties from her from birth. I need to completely and utterly separate myself from her for my healing.

03/10/2020: Asmodeus

I thought he just wanted to hurt me, especially sexually, to rape me.

I was way off the mark.

When he asks, “do you accept me”, in a sexual context… The question is not sexual! It’s not “do you accept me to rape you” (aka do you give you consent for me to hurt you)… it’s “do you accept me as an integral part of your psyche so I can be loved and healed and integrated”.

WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO REALISE THIS?!

Okay. I did consider it before, but I didn’t ‘know’, I didn’t have the realisation like I did just now (I’m high).

So, this time I replied, “yes, I accept you, I accept all of you… I don’t know what this means or how it will change things, but now I absolutely accept you”.

This is cannabis + full moon in Aries healing energy 🌕🌲

01/10/2020: Harvest drawing down the moon

It took me a while to connect. Things were drifting in and out of my mind, images. I just meditated on mother moon with the goal to enjoy her presence. I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing, just that I felt to spend time focusing on her energy.

Suddenly a perspective shift happened. I was the moon. And I was sending my light to all the inhabitants of the world, humans and animals alike. But I was afraid and found myself unable, I was blocked.

After a moment’s hesitation I decided to send my light as the moon to myself sitting at my altar, sending it specifically to my fear. Like a huge laser beam, suddenly I was hit like a truck by blinding white light and the distinction between me and moon ceased. I was both moon and me. Double projection.

I keeled over with the intensity and struggled to breathe. A connection had been made on multiple, nae all levels and I was healing. I wrapped my darkness up in a bubble of light, a bubble of gentle love and protection, and a bubble of time. The message was – this energy fills me up today, but it will take time to integrate.

The moment faded and I was left trying to catch my breath and ground myself. Though the light of the moon had not just hit me but flowed completely through me grounding into the earth automatically. I had to become myself again, removing myself from the lunar perspective.

Back in my body and grounded I breathed the light of the moon from within my diaphragm into my tarot cards to bring them to life with my question – what is the theme for this experience?

I pull the Hierophant. The Hierophant is me. I sense to pull a supporting card – Temperance. I must develop the fruit of temperance further to embody fully the Hierophant. The Hierophant is always a reoccurring card in my readings. I never took it before to mean me – this is the first. The Hierophant is my ideal spiritual role. Then I sense to draw a third supporting card – The Devil. And so I see, in order to develop Temperance to embody the Hierophant, I must fully face The Devil within me, my own monster, my own shadow. This has been my focus the entire last month, especially this last week leading up to the full moon.

By facing my darkness I will become the light.

Throughout I see my spirit allies. They are ALWAYS around me! Every time I sit down for ritual they are always there, waiting, without word from me. I don’t know how they know. My spirit team is huge, I’m overwhelmed by just how many love and support me, and protect me. I know I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without them. There are my own alters, my own multidimensional selves, there are my spirit friends such as angels but most notably many nature spirits. Among the nature spirits include the greater elements such as the sun and the moon, the sea, the winds, the sky, the earth, and the four lords of the sky and earth. There are just SO many! I thank them all – Every time spent at my altar I can’t help but see them with me and I can’t help but thank them.

And that is the end of the rite. I leave my ritual glass filled with water at my window to be infused with lunar light, though just picking it up my hands tingle and I feel it already charged from when I channeled lunar light from myself as moon to myself at my altar.

22/09/2020: Autumnal Equinox

Instantly I feel my ancestors. All I have for harvest is the cannabis I grew myself. I bring my cannabis to the altar to thank the cannabis, the spirit of harvest, and as it happens my ancestors before me who grew this very plant, my Mayan forerunners.

I am transported to a scene, I am outside in Latin America, a few hundred years into the past. I am in a circle in the daylight celebrating the harvest with my tribe, there’s a feeling of joy and we’re dancing. I feel that I’m a nurse, the tribe nurse perhaps, and cannabis is one of my healing plants. Part of my role is not just to fix the health of people but also the health of the land around me. My goddess is Ixchel, she is my Patron. I see another scene where I am curing patients and I have female helpers around me.

The scene changes, and before me at my altar is a medicine man, in traditional Native American dress. He tells me he is my son, I believe for that lifetime I am re-experiencing. I hold a lot of respect for him however. He transforms into a Jaguar in front of me, and his paws are in my open hands, our heads touched together.

I am transported to another scene. I’m in a forest or jungle, the earth beneath my feet feels so real, and I realise I have paws. I am the Jaguar now. I am hunting a prey, a deer, but people come from the tribe also hunting the deer and scare me off. My rational self is confused. I start over. I feel so good being a Jaguar and play a little. Then I spot a rabbit and go into hunting mode. I stalk and pounce, killing it, then take it back to my nest where I have five Jaguar Cubs waiting for me, in the process of being weaned.

I am transported back to my altar. A farewell is said to the Jaguar medicine man still in front of me, paws in hands, head to head, this Nahual, this apparent son of mine. He leaves and leaves me with this mysterious lesson.

I thank the spirits, the spirit of harvest and plenty, the sun, moon, stars, wind, earth, and sea, and my ancestors once more.

I draw a tarot card for greater understanding and pull the page of swords. She is me.

I reconnect with the Goddess during this process, her feeling tells me, she is the Force, in my understanding, and never left me and never will. But ultimately she is me and I am her. I thank her too, and end my time at the altar.

16/09/2020: Bath Visions

1st. “I hate you!” Anakin’s voice comes through my own.

2nd. There’s a crown on my head, and I am a prince of hell.

3rd. I am transported to the earth version of my usual vision quests. There is the tree of life, in this form as a giant cannabis plant. At the top a bear is waiting for me.

We go inside a flower, inside a trichome. Inside a trichome is a portal, spinning like a flaming vortex (reminds me of the angel guarding the garden of Eden). The bear leads me down a dark tunnel through the vortex. We emerge on the other side to the same scene, only the sun is rising rather than setting as usual. He holds my hand and tells me the sun is me, I am rising.

I transform into the dragon and fly towards the sun. I am reminded for the second time during a vision of having done this before, back in the dinosaur age. I was a flying dinosaur, a ‘dragon’. I am snapped out of this vision in shock. This is clearly a past life memory.

4th. I sense MJ (cannabis spirit) by. I tell her I’m sorry for disrespecting her. I feel her presence strongly guiding me.

5th. There is an angel. She is my Auriel. First in my mind, then hovering above me in the bath. She tells me she is proud of me, I’ve come so far, am doing so well. I cry remembering the pain I felt of my mother. She hugs me.

Auriel says “you are me, you are more than just dragon, you are all, all you experience and encounter”.

I cry again with pain at the burden of knowing my self to be this large.

“What am I?” I ask. “I am not human”.

I come back to my body.