Colour Correspondences


Symbolises: Passion, danger, love, lust, hatred, rage, blood, power, life, action, fire, strength, health, vigour, energy, seduction, danger, violence, war, triumph, majesty, warmth, willpower, leadership, anarchy, malice, fear, courage.

Magickal uses: Curses, confidence, intimidation, seduction, self-love, sexual vigor, courage


Symbolises: Friendliness, energy, warmth, joy, playfulness, ambition, pride, enthusiasm, fascination, creativity, determination, encouragement, stimulation, humour, indulgence, plenty, kindness, warmth, liveliness, force, optimism. (Dark orange: deceit, betrayal, and distrust).

Magickal uses: Friendship, good luck, inspiration, gentleness, optimism


Symbolises: Joy, brilliance, youth, loyalty, inspiration, energy, optimism, warmth, caution, cowardice, health, confidence, intellect, freshness, learning, value, sunlight, vibrance, impulsivity. (Dark yellow: caution, decay, sickness, jealousy).

Magickal uses: Happiness, creativity, loyal friendships, hope.


Symbolises: Life, freshness, peace, money, envy, repulsion, disease, guilt, growth, fertility, luck, success, charity, rejuvenation, ambition, greed, jealousy, healing, nature. (Dark green: ambition, greed, envy, mystery).

Magickal uses: Success, calm, money-drawing, healing, discord-causing.


Symbolises: Serenity, knowledge, peace, piety, sincerity, safety, calm, wisdom, serenity, cleanliness, water, consciousness, tranquility, softness, mellow, ice, sadness, coldness, sober, gloom, secrecy, fearfulness, depression, understanding, compassion, patience, health, truth, devotion, honour, loyalty, sleep, astral. (Dark blue: knowledge, power, integrity, seriousness, mystery).

Magickal uses: Inner-peace, insight, knowledge, cursing (causing emotional pain). 


Symbolises: Mystery, royalty, power, secrecy, nobility, luxury, ambition, shadows, death, spirits, mourning, gloom, mystical, dignified, pride, pompous, loneliness, desperation, piety, sanctity, tension, sentimentality, wisdom, spiritual protection, psychic powers, astral. (Lavender: romance, beauty, gentleness). 

Magickal uses: Astral travel, psychic awakening, mourning, spirit work, wisdom.


Symbolises: Gentleness, joy, love, friendship, children, compassion, beauty, optimism, generosity, softness, confidence, inner-peace, harmony, approachability, affection, vibrance.

Magickal uses: Romance, friendship-drawing, self-love, gentle-heartedness, soothing, healing, peace, harmony, happiness


Symbolises: Mystery, darkness, secrecy, the unknown, gloom, death, negativity, mourning, grief, ominousness, strength, power, authority, elegance, formalness, sophistication, fear, void, night, danger, self-reflection (upon toxic behaviour), aggression, rebellion, seriousness, confidence.

Magickal uses: Curses, banishing, protection, reflection, inner-strength


Symbolises: Delicacy, purity, peace, cleanliness, divinity, elegance, frailty, death, mourning, emptiness, faith, enlightenment, glory, salvation, cold, snow, ice, air, celestial, lightness, innocence, spirits, newness, safety, healing.

Magickal uses: Cleansing, purification, protection, inner-peace, new beginnings.


Symbolises: Dullness, moodiness, formal, sophisticated, simplicity, loss, depression, grief, intelligence, logic.

Magickal uses: Mental powers


Symbolises: Home, stability, security, reliability, healing, food, warmth, earth, wood, honesty, humility, grounding, foundations, simplicity, approachability, peace.

Magickal uses: Grounding, peaceful household, abundance of food.


Symbolises: Extravagance, abundance, wealth, luxury, wisdom, power, enlightenment, divinity, glory, light, grandeur, prosperity, luck, confidence, pride, courage, joy, illumination, truth, compassion, passion, love, beauty, perfection.

Magickal uses: Wisdom, optimism, luck, strength of heart, abundance


Symbolises: Elegance, grace, serenity, wisdom, meditation, order, psychic powers, reflection, sophistication, ancient, calm, purification, mystery, wealth, prosperity, logic, knowledge.

Magickal uses: Wisdom, logic, inner-calm, purification, order, prosperity

– Taken from Enlightenment Through Hellfire: Colour Correspondences

A Self-Cleansing & Self-Charging Triple Layered Home Ward

Things you need
1. Indoor potted plants
2. Crystals:
– One large centre stone of choice
– Four quarter stones of choice
– Multiple small double-terminated clear quartz points
3. Bodily fluids of choice
4. Your index finger or wand/athame for directing energy

1. Place plant pots around the perimeter of your home, usually the windowsills
2. Place one large centre stone on your altar, place four quarter stones in each corner of the home, and place the smaller quartz within each plant pot
3. Anoint each stone with bodily fluid of choice (urine is naturally protective, you can also use blood. For ease saliva can be used)
4. Using your index finger or other tool that directs energy, point to the centre stone and visualise it linking up with each stone separately
5. Then starting from the northern quarter stone, draw a link between all the outer stones, going clockwise

How it works:
1. Potted plants are living energy, they are first line of defence for negative energies and will show signs of disease when they are taking on a lot, therefore they absorb the negative energies in your place and visibly show signs of attack. Plants also generate positive energy and actively clean the environment against anything already within the home.
2. By placing quartz crystals, which are water-safe, within the plant pots, they are automatically recharged by three things: The sunlight entering through the window, the waterings you give the plant, and the grounding presence of the plant itself. The stones create a bond with the plant, strengthening each other. This in turn cleanses and strengthens the entire grid.
3. Meanwhile, the centre stone being placed on the altar will naturally recharge and be kept strong due to the energies there from general magickal and divine workings. Anything added to an altar has this effect, and reinforces each other. An altar is by nature a sacred space.
4. Using bodily fluids to anoint each stone announces to the spiritual world that this is your territory, and few will venture into it. This is exactly what animals do in the wild, and where this idea is taken from. Animals will use urine usually for this effect, which is why it’s a first choice, but any bodily fluid will also work.
5. The stones and plants are naturally self-cleansing and self-charging on their own, however if desired the bodily fluids must be reapplied every so often to keep that territorial statement going. Not much is needed, just a drop. Urine is sterile, unless you have a urine or kidney infection, or any other related medical condition.
6. Because of the self-cleansing effect the home does not need to be actively cleared such as with smudges, as the energies within it are already absorbed and transformed. Negative energy is like plant food: Captured, composted, and consumed.

Extra ideas:
1. Add a protective symbol or sigil of choice to the bottom of each plant pot. This can be carved in, painted on, or drawn on paper and stuck on.
2. Add an extra stone or protective symbol/sigil at any entryways to the home, this includes front doors and back doors.
3. If you have an air purifier of any kind, dehumidifier, humidifier, or any other similar device that effects the ambience, add the same protective symbol or sigil to it, and it will actively cleanse and charge the air.

Essential Oil Spray: How To

Items needed
1. Essential oils of choice
2. Polysorbate-20
3. Amber glass spray bottles
4. Water

1. Decide on purpose of spray and research and choose corresponding essential oils.
2. Add 10 to 25 drops of essential oils to amber glass spray bottle.
3. Add equal drops polysorbate-20 and shake gently to mix.
4. Fill up with water and shake gently again.
5. Replace spray top and done.

1. Choose organic essential oils which are steam distilled and produced by an eco-friendly company.
2. If possible use bottled spring water which has no chlorine or chloramine. Boiling tap water does not remove chloramine which is more common in mains systems these days than free form chlorine.
3. Polysorbate-20 is a cosmetic preservative and emulsifier; an emulsifier blends oil and water together. It’s not expensive, however there are other alternatives if desirable.
4. Glass bottles do not absorb essential oils like plastic and amber glass prevents degradation from daylight UV rays.

The Jedi Code

The original oath of the Je’daii Order, the precursor to The Jedi Order
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge
There is no fear, there is power
I am the heart of the Force
I am the revealing fire of light
I am the mystery of darkness
In balance with chaos and harmony,
Immortal in the Force

The first version of The Jedi Order, after The Force Wars splintered the Je’daii Order
Emotion, yet peace
Ignorance, yet knowledge
Passion, yet serenity
Chaos, yet harmony
Death, yet the Force

The refined, popular version of The Jedi Order, at the height of the Galactic Republic
There is no emotion, there is peace
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge
There is no passion, there is serenity
There is no chaos, there is harmony
There is no death, there is the Force
Author: Odan-Urr

Qotsisajak: The adversary Code of The Sith
Peace is a lie, there is only passion
Through passion, I gain strength
Through strength, I gain power
Through power, I gain victory
Through victory, my chains are broken
The Force shall free me
Author: Sorzus Syn

My Wheel of the Year

February 1st – Imbolc: Peak of seasonal winter
February 14th – Juno Februata also known as Valentine’s Day
February 19th – My tropical ‘moon-day’

March 8th – International Women’s Day
March 21st – Ostara: Vernal equinox, and astrological new year

April 22nd – International Mother Earth Day

May 1st – Beltane or May Day: Peak of seasonal spring
May 4th – ‘May the Force’ be with you, international Star Wars day

June – International Pride Month
June 13th – BTS anniversary
June 21st – Litha: Summer solstice

July 1st – Lammas: Peak of seasonal summer

August 31st – My ‘sun-day’ or birthday

September 21st – Mabon: Autumnal equinox

October 8th – International Lesbian Visibility Day

November 1st – Samhain: Peak of seasonal autumn
November 2nd – Day of the Dead

December 20st – Beginning of Yule, the Winter solstice
December 25th – Peak of Yule also known as Christmas
December 31st – End of Yule, and end of the calendar year

To be updated and amended with time.

The Four Royal Stars of Persia or Watchers of the Four Cardinal Directions


Persian: Tascheter
Jewish: Raphael
Greek: Eurus
Roman: Vulturnus
Italian: Alpena
Norse: Austri
Empedocles: Hera
Indian: Indra
Mayan: Mulac/Hobnil

Constellation: Taurus
Ruling Planet: Venus
Direction: East
Season: Spring
Festival: Beltane
Element: Earth
Animal: Bull
Colour: Green


Persian: Venant
Jewish: Michael
Greek: Notus
Roman: Auster
Italian: Settrano
Norse: Sudri
Empedocles: Hades
Indian: Yama
Mayan: Kan/Hosanek

Constellation: Leo
Ruling Planet: Sun
Direction: South
Season: Summer
Festival: Lammas
Element: Fire
Animal: Lion
Colour: Yellow


Persian: Satevis
Jewish: Gabriel
Greek: Zephyrus
Roman: Favonius
Italian: Meana
Norse: Vestri
Empedocles: Persephone
Indian: Varuna
Mayan: Cauac/Saccimi

Constellation: Scorpio
Ruling Planet: Mars
Direction: West
Season: Autumn
Festival: Samhain
Element: Water
Animal: Snake
Colour: Red


Persian: Haftorang
Jewish: Uriel
Greek: Boreas
Roman: Aquilo
Italian: Tago
Norse: Nordri
Empedocles: Zeus
Indian: Kubera
Mayan: Ix/Cantzicnal

Constellation: Aquarius
Ruling Planet: Saturn
Direction: North
Season: Winter
Festival: Imbolc
Element: Air
Animal: Eagle
Colour: Black

Lammas’ Message For Me

Animal Magick Card Reveal

Mangrove Seed & Barnacles
“Mangroves prevent erosion, provide protection, and can filter out salt water. Their seeds can float for a year before finding the perfect place to set roots. They stand between land and sea. Duality, balance.”

Turtle Spirit
“Slow and steady wins the race. Turtle reminds you to just put one foot in front of the other and trust in your powers to manifest your intentions in perfect timing. Don’t rush around trying to force matters. Move slowly and take time to stay aligned with your intuition. Contemplate the road you’re on. Doing what you need to one small step at a time and stay aware. These are still crucial practices when moving toward your goal. Be patient. Focus on the now. Let the next step appear from the fog organically. Don’t push too hard or leave others in the dust. Feel water energy surround you and move forward with determination but steadiness. You have a strong shell, you are protected. No need to go fast. Do without doing and everything will get done. Simply be. The journey ahead of you is long but enjoy the view as you forge ahead.”

Celtic Tarot Card Spread

The Situation: Two of Coins
Juggling and balancing priorities: One coin is my daily life and the second coin in my spiritual life – Harmonising the two.

Help/Hindrances: Three of Cups
The Triple Goddess is with me, within me, I have integrated the Divine Feminine which is my guiding aid.

Subconscious Influence: Queen of Wands
An aspect of myself or alter that is pushing me to be better, pushing me to become my higher self by facing my shadows and transforming them into self-empowerment.

The Past: Six of Swords
I’m a refugee, having travelled and moved from a bad environment to a new better one. I went through a period of transition and life altering change.

My Goal: Three of Wands
To keep moving forward with the experience I have now to overcome any further challenges ahead of me, to have a clear vision and plan of attack for the future.

Possible Near Future: Queen of Coins Reversed & The Empress Reversed
Two cards that fell out when asking this question. First card speaks of focusing on my own finances and working to become independent through self-employment. Second card expands upon that by expressing this will be achieved through allowing my creativity and personal passions guide me, those things which are inevitably connected to focusing on my own healing through connecting to the natural world.

How I Affect the Situation: Eight of Wands
Quickening and movement after a period of struggle and being blocked. Enthusiastic energy and finally making strides towards my desires. Letting my passions propel me forward.

Effects of Others/The Environment: The Hierophant
Still in the right place for this stage of my journey, still the initiate, still learning, still being the student of my circumstances.

Advice: Ace of Wands
Follow my joy!

Possible Final Outcome: Death
Dying completely to my old self, becoming a new person in a new ‘reality’. Self-actualising.

My Interpretation

This shouts spiritual career to me, all of it, as it’s been on my mind for so many years. And in alignment with the message of Lammas, the message of harvest, the message here for me is that right now I’m beginning to reap the rewards of all the hard work I put in previously and now the real work can begin. And yet I am still not ‘fully ripened’, there are two more harvests and then a winter to go through, before the beginning of the new year. My life has always synced up perfectly with nature’s seasons and this will be no different. So I will take my time with this newly freed up energy, finding my foundation before I’m finally ready to begin what I was born to do.

I Came Out Officially as a Lesbian (the Whole World now Knows I’m Gay), Ending my Independent Studies into Gender Social Sciences and the Reason Why, and the Extraordinary Turning Point in my Mental and Physical Health Thanks to Starting Therapy Anew

It’s time for me to update. With the days nearing so close to Lammas or the first harvest, it seems appropriate that I am coming to a place of reaping everything that I’ve worked towards the last few months since moving out of my abusive family situation. In fact, August will be half a year since having lived on my own. Doesn’t time fly by?!

I did something incredible last week. I reactivated my Facebook under the advice of my brother who I’ve reconnected with for the first time since… well, ever, which is honestly wonderful, to join the lesbian social groups near me to test the waters and see if I meet anyone. Of course with the coronavirus situation right now there aren’t any meetups happening exactly, but if you read all of that again you’ll notice that yes, my brother knows now about my sexual orientation. Both him and my sister do. I was, so to speak, testing the waters out first, by suggesting it to them separately, and their responses were accepting and loving, and I think that’s what caused me to end up coming out completely to everyone.

So now, the entire world knows I’m gay! Whoo! No more living in the closet, no more secrets. I’m free to be me. I’m free to date who I want, and I’m so grateful for living in a country that despite my toxic family home protects LGBT people so that I’m not under any threat of pain or even death. I always remember that here in the west we and I am very lucky, because much of the world is still very much in the past, with women still existing as mere property and LGBT people being executed. I will never forget my brother and sisters in these countries, and I should live to the best of my ability for them, because I can. I also live for the witches who were my persecuted ancestors, who guide my path ahead, and cheer me on.

It’s been a very packed month for me, psychologically speaking. I feel like I may have been going through a rebirth, through much visitation of my past, both by myself and through my therapy sessions. I don’t know if I shared it previously, but I am seeing a new therapist now. If anyone is reading this I absolutely cannot stress enough the importance of therapy for anyone with mental health problems. There is a huge misunderstanding of them and stigma that lingers even in 2020, for some reason I’ve never been able to fathom myself. Because you know why? Therapists are doctors of the mind, and they are trained in the medicine to help you recover. I have never made so much progress in my life psychologically than when I’ve regularly seen a therapist, and this past month is no exception.

My therapist takes an approach with me called Somatic Experiencing, which is the reconnecting with the body on a level that, it seems to me, causing you to flashback to your traumas and properly process them through the process of re-association which was traded in at that moment in time for dissociation. I have to say, the flashbacks I don’t know if they’re the point of it, but it’s what I’ve been experiencing. This is how she told me she is approaching her goal of reintegrating my alters. I’ve not heard of such a process before and it has my curiosity peaked, not only that but it’s working. I believe these past 24 hours I’ve made more progress with ‘Asmodeus’ than I ever have in the last year since I realised I have a dissociative disorder.

Part of this interesting progress with ‘Asmodeus’ (I am putting quotes by his name as I feel this is a kind of alias this alter has gone by to protect himself, and actually is not called that, but I need confirmation first) has been a sudden realisation into my motivations behind my struggle in trying to understand and spending so much time and energy studying feminism and gender equality. You see, it was never about what I believe about other people (especially trans people, but they weren’t my only focus of study), it was never about me trying to understand how to properly validate their existence through reason and social science. So what was it about? Let me explain.

On July 8th I took a break from Twitter. I’ve always been a very avid Twitter user. Although my current Twitter account is only four years old, I’ve been on the side now for exactly a decade and it’s been my only source of comfort, acceptance, and love, in the whole of my life. For some reason, on there people have always gravitated towards me, and I’m not entirely sure why as everywhere else I feel like a misfit and that I don’t have any true belonging. Perhaps on Twitter I am just one of many misfits who relate with me.

Anyhow. When I came out as a lesbian first on social media and particularly Twitter, I struggled suddenly with a whole lot of invalidation. Other people from the LGBT community were against me and slurring me off with the word TERF, without even knowing who I am. This not only confused me, it depressed me, and made me feel as if I suddenly had no legs to stand on. The one place where I always felt safe, was suddenly a place I decidedly was not safe, all for being a lesbian.

So I decided to take that break, to try and get my thoughts together, and my feelings. I wanted to spend time studying all of this and figuring out what it is I actually believe about all these ideologies, and I told myself I wouldn’t return to Twitter until I’d done just that. So, since then, I’ve been reading many articles, asking some questions, watching lots of documentaries and documovies, learning a whole lot about feminism and its history, learning about the struggles of trans people, musing on the theory of gender, and even briefly poking my nose into the Men’s Right’s Movements. And all for what? To find myself spirally deeper and deeper into the rabbit of social sciences, with finding myself no closer to an answer.

I was determined however, and highly interested in the entire thing. I’ve dedicated almost an entire month of my life to this. Because let me tell you, without social media, you suddenly have a whole lot more hours in your day freed up. It’s amazing how much time I found myself suddenly having. But as I said, I was not much closer to an answer, until last night an inspired thought, the first of its kind, came from ‘Asmodeus’, after doing my nightly guided meditative body scan set by my therapist as homework. I really connected with something on a deeper level, but I also connected with the reason behind all of this…

I was searching for validation. I was projecting my need to find validation for myself by trying to find a reason to validate those others I had been so fervently studying for the last month. It was in fact nothing to do with them. It was all to do with me and my need to validate myself through validating those others who had invalidated me. It’s a bit messed up if you think about it, but that’s the truth of the situation, and that’s when I knew then and there that I have to stop this searching.

Therefore I am ceasing my gender studies, and I am ceasing my ‘need’ to have an answer, because the real need is that in fact I need to stop letting others invalidate me, and start to validate myself where I never was before. What other people in the LGBT community have to say or think about me no longer is any of my business. It’s madness to respond to invalidation by trying to validate my invalidators. Because in reality them and their opinions are nothing to do with my life, and my understanding of lack of such in relation to trans issues has nothing to do with the love and acceptance I hold in my heart regardless of their hate. But that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.

So here I am saying that I don’t have a fucking clue what gender means and you know what? I no longer fucking care, because it’s nothing to do with me. And even in relation to my own gender identity, the real issue is not in trying to understand or label myself, but merely just accepting who I am however that manifests and expresses itself. And that is all I need. Next time when some asshole online calls me a TERF, I will smile and ignore. I have nothing to prove. I won’t let my life be lived in fear as a result of anyone whether they be religious bigots or liberal bigots.

So that is that. Beyond that, as I’ve had so much time on my hands this last month, I’ve reconnected to a place inside myself that is very creative, and perhaps the first time in said last decade that I’ve felt so inspired. My spirituality is thriving once again, I’ve reconnected to the magick inside and around me, and I’ve felt really good and overcome the depression that was eating away at me. I also think this anti-depressive effect could be a result of the coconut oil I’ve been downing every day as a holistic treatment for my severe Gastritis and GERD (causing by a sliding hiatal hernia), which as it turns out doesn’t just heal stomach problems far better than H2 Blockers and PPI’s and antacids all combined, but also lifts mood, makes you feel energised, and amazingly burns fat (despite it being 100% saturated fat itself – I’ve lost four pounds in the last two weeks since I started it). Coconut is Mother Nature’s miracle to us.

In regards to my health overall, I have been making leaps and bounds more so to do with therapy. I have learned 10 years of diagnosed chronic migraine and the last year of chronic sciatica are all do with the 26 years of severe tension and stress habitually stored in my muscles as a result of my Complex PTSD. It started with the reconnection with my body in therapy first making me aware my migraines are in fact caused by a very inflamed neck, something I had never noticed. Imagine how much trauma you’d have to have been through to have been carrying that around for at least a decade without even realising. Well, I started massaging my neck muscles daily, and since then, I haven’t had a migraine in the last two weeks. I think that has to be a personal best.

However, through massaging those muscles, somehow it caused me to pull a muscle in my left shoulder. It may sound strange but when I was experiencing my brief psychotic break back in 2016 and seeing my first doctor for it, I was getting uncontrollable spasms and movements in that shoulder and I pointed to the area in front of her (I was selectively mute for about half of that year), and she told me that’s a normal response of C-PTSD that she’s seen in other patients. Well, it seems, that response has remained, having first noticed through yoga that shoulder was very stiff. So my neck and my left shoulder are clearly connected here in terms of attempted trauma processing by the body.

Through pulling that muscle, I felt how it connected to both my chest through it feeling heavy and tight just like during an anxiety attack, and how it connected to my mid back and lower back where I have sciatica problems. And so it turns out, all my physical pain, my problems, my migraines, sciatica, general bodily inflammation, and whatever else I struggle with (including gastritis which flares under stress) is all a result of my trauma, embedded so deeply into my muscles that it’s nearly permanently locked in there. Well, it’s not all entirely a result of my trauma, for example the sciatica started after being diagnosed with osteopenia due to steroid damage to my bones. However, in the larger picture, it seems my entire body is just completely unstable on a muscular level, due to the level of tension it’s unconsciously holding within it.

The time it will take to heal this to a comfortable level may well take very long, after all, I have at least ten years of this muscular tension and inflammation to reverse, and then again another 26 years of abuse. But, the important part is now I am aware to it, and I am starting this wonderful process of physically healing. To be honest, all of this is just entirely mind-blowing, just as to how unconscious I’ve been all this time. And that is why, my friends, therapy is so important, and powerful.

Since I’ve been going through all of this, I’ve been experiencing such a huge surge of energy and expansion within my hand chakras. Despite this being the mark of an innate healer, which I am, this is also a sign of far reaching healing happening within me. Healing myself, so that one day, I can become the healer I am, whether by nature or nurture or both, and help others on their journey to healing.

Exploring Gender Identity: Part 3

I didn’t imagine I’d be writing a part three to this, I didn’t imagine it’d become a series, but I guess as is the case with questioning identity of any sort, the story doesn’t end at the turn of a page.

I am not entirely sure where to start, I just know some kind of sequel post has been brewing for a little while. I think, it started when I found myself commenting on a popular Twitter post, kinda mindlessly, about how if you don’t date trans-women just because they’re trans then that means you’re transphobic. And that kinda kicked off a whole series of events.

Someone on that thread mentioned how people need to stop pushing that harmful talk on men, because trans women are not biological women and just because we accept their identity as gender identified women, doesn’t mean we have an attraction to them. As it turns out, this whole idea of having to be attracted to transgender people to prove you’re not transphobic is being forced upon people. And I learned that the hard way, having only recently come to realisation that I myself am a lesbian. As it also turns out, in the LGBT community, being a lesbian who isn’t attracted to trans women automatically gets you labelled a TERF, which is a slur used to silence anyone (well, women, usually, hiding its thinly veiled misogyny) who doesn’t agree with transgender (cultist) politics. As you can imagine, many lesbian women aren’t attracted to pre-op trans-women, and as such the word TERF has also become equated with lesbians. There is actually a complex history behind this, due to actual transphobic lesbians having once stormed an LGBT rally a few years ago saying transgender people have no place in the LGBT community. This was wrong of them, but since then, it seems the LGBT community have become suspicious and hateful of lesbians, and also at times violent which completely terrified me for a moment, being that I’m a lesbian myself and decidedly not attracted to trans-women (nor trans-men, considering they’re biological women, but they’re gender identified men).

Reading this you may have different reactions. Some people will love this post, some people will hate it, others who have no idea what it’s all about will probably be lost. It’s not something you can talk about without the threat of some kind of attack, and that is why I left Twitter, to sort my damn head out. From mindlessly replying to that comment about not pushing those ideas onto men with “and lesbians too”, and then being called a TERF by a random Twitter stranger leading an entire load of transgender people and trans allies on Twitter to blocking me… then by asking for more understanding from trans people on a transgender Reddit only to be banned without explanation… these kind of responses in fact only tend to lead one further down the ‘gender critical’ rabbit hole. Gender criticism is one form of radical feminism, which was tied to second wave feminism with the idea that gender is a social concept and actually harmful. Gender criticism states that transgender people are kind of missing the point, because if there is no real gender then, well, you’re just free to be you without needing a sex change (something most transgender people do not fully go through anyway). Men can wear makeup and still be men, women can forego makeup and be butch and still be women. I have to say, there is a huge freedom in releasing the concept of gender from your physical body and knowing you are just you, whatever that is, regardless of what you look like. Especially it seems for gay men and women who are naturally socially non-conforming anyway. There is a huge pressure on gay men and women to become transgender, so that they’ll be acceptably straight. This isn’t at all conscious on anyone’s part, but it’s internalised homophobia.

There are so many angles to explore here that I’m not really sure I could cover them all. I have to say this entire war between transgender people and gender critical people has been gaining momentum and recently reached the public spotlight due to JK Rowling’s gender critical beliefs which she had to write an entire article about explaining her thought process, which was written very articulately and addressed multiple points, including coming to the defence of lesbians. However, she received a lot of hate for that too, and any normal person who had no idea about this war and was dragged into it read the article and said “well, she’s made a lot of good points, I don’t agree with all of them, but there’s no need to hate her?” and those are my exact thoughts on it. There is a portion of the transgender community whom are what I can only go along and call ‘trans cultists’, they do not reason with you nor hold intelligent conversation, they just hate and block, it’s very weird.

As a result, as a lesbian who I now know will forever be labelled a TERF, regardless of my own acceptance of transgender individuals and indeed having struggles of transgender thoughts and feelings myself, well.. I forgot my thought process there as I was writing. But I know I was scared and needed time to find my security again. And I found myself reading in all that freed up time where usually I’d have been on social media articles from transgender points of view, and articles from gender critical points of view, and honestly I still can’t make up my mind. It’s all so very difficult. I’m conscious to not actually be transphobic, and my own history of internalised homophobia and transphobia which I originally addressed in part 1 of this series makes it all the harder to know what’s what, not just in these communities, but also in regards to myself. But I do know that as I wrote in part 2, many of my feelings of being transgender were a result of internalised homophobia, even though at the time I was working through internalised transphobia.

I have this sense really that I don’t belong in either or any of these communities. I tend to wish I’d never gotten myself involved in all of this in the first place… Ten years of at least identifying as bisexual and I had no idea about any of this, it’s very literally only quite recently when I realised I was a lesbian. You can’t ignore when people hate you just for your innate sexual preference. 

The scariest part really of all of this wasn’t actually the stuff that was happening online, it was in fact knowing that some of these hateful, violent people exist in the real world, and I’d never know who they are until I may happen to make a remark that I’m a lesbian. That’s the scary part, feeling like just because of who I am I have to watch my back. Things have really not progressed much at all in the 21st century so far. You’d think transgender people and lesbians should get along but alas the sad reality is they do not. Transgender people at another LGBT rally in response to that transphobic lesbian interruption which I previously wrote about was to bring posters saying lesbian pictures of vaginas should be banned because it’s transphobic… vaginas are transphobic?! I thought trans-women wanted vaginas! This is really the new kind of crazy reality we are living in. But it’s not all trans people who are like this. I think it’s a step too far when you say “I have a biological girl-dick”. And especially when you say “and that means you should be attracted to me or you’re a bigot”.

But this is also where right now my mind is all the more confused. Because if gender doesn’t exist, then sex absolutely does, and sex determines much about ourselves in a non-social way. Men are physically larger, for example. That’s not social, that’s actual. So a sex change for someone who feels they were born in the wrong body, regardless of social gender, also indicates a gender change, because women and men have different hormones.

And have I felt sometimes like I’m in the wrong body? Exactly. Is it social? How am I supposed to know with my headload of trauma and dissociative identities with varying genders? I have identities that are purely men, I have identities that are purely women, I have identities that are fluid between the two at will… their bodies are entirely mental and not bound to physical restrictions. And without social gender, how much of the desire for a sex change is physically aesthetic? And I’m aware that may be an offensive thought. But if we had no bodies at all, would we really feel this need to have the opposite? I am not entirely sure I can explain this reasoning.

I thought it was clear to me, but then I ask myself what am I if neither socially female or male? I’m back at non-binary, but then that kinda feels like escaping the reality of my physical body. And honestly I don’t want a man’s body, I love my female body, I’ve learned to love it, to accept it, even with all its difficulties. But then I go back to the idea of what if I could just switch between the two at will with no negative consequences? Yes, then I would enjoy trying that out, but there we would see the manifestation of my identities.

And this another thing that I see within the transgender community, with many talking about how they feel them being the opposite sex is like another identity to them, which is classical dissociation, or plurality, either way. And when you consider many transgender people have been abused growing up, there is the issue with how much is a mental health issue and trauma related, or even just mental, and I think it then becomes a fair amount. I have also been reading stories from detransitors, who are trans people (or rather, de-trans people), who medically transitioned and then transitioned back. You may be surprised that the transgender community tends to attempt to shut them up too. But many of them were forced into it or felt like it was something they had to do, because either they were gay, they were gender non-conforming, they had mental health issues, or they were subject to peer pressure from ‘trans-trenders’. Trans-trenders are teens usually who believe they’re transgender, because everyone else around them is. For some reason it’s a cool thing to be these days. But kids don’t know themselves, they’re still growing. They shouldn’t be allowed to take life altering hormones after an hour session with a therapist to tick that they’re transgender. Read that again. A teenager at the legal age of 16 only needs to see a referred therapist for a one hour session to be given the medical go ahead. This is insane. There is no exploration of their feelings, and this is also a problem.

There are real transgender people, but currently I would rather refer to them as transsexual, as the real trans people accounts I’ve read also refer to themselves as transsexual. Transsexual is an entire physical sex change which avoids the pitfalls of social gender, unlike transgender which doesn’t even need a medical change. Anyone can say they’re transgender and bam, they are. This is also another problem with self-identifying, because it’s known that in some dark web corners there are an entire community of men who parade around pretending to be women because they are sexually aroused by the thought, and many of them have admitted it. This is called auto-gynephilia. And yes, reading back during drafting this post, I’m aware this entire paragraph sounds entirely transphobic.

I have brought all these points up and I’m sure many trans-cultists by now have stopped reading, but many of these points were also brought up in JK Rowling’s article, I am not saying anything new. And yet, regardless of all these things I’ve written contra transgender identity, I still feel entirely confused by the lot of it. And as I said, right now it’s difficult for me to specifically pinpoint what exactly is confusing me. Perhaps this idea that you can only ever be one or the other in regards to ideology, but I’m just trying to come to some kind of synthesis within myself, further complicated by my own gender identity struggles.

Clearly, whatever ideology I believe is going to influence how I approach my own confusing gender feelings, and somehow I need to find space to honour both the lesbian in me and the gender non-conformer in me, as well as the dissociative identities with varying genders. But not just to honour both of those within myself, but also to create space somehow to say to transgender people and gender critical people are both welcome to converse with me… if they’ll have it, because ultimately I’m just trying to find a space for myself.

There is more I feel like I would like to add specifically in relation to sexual orientation, but now I’m going to call this post a wrap. Perhaps there could be a part 4 in which I write about it, but where I also may have had more time to understand more of my own confusions about this entire topic regarding gender identity, and its impact upon me.

If you’ve read this far, then thank you.