Good evening to my followers. I should start out by mentioning that I’m changing servers. I was on a dedicated host but it was costing me a fortune – to be fair when I signed up originally I didn’t realise it was on sale and that the full price the year after was much more (nearly £250). But back then I didn’t have bills to pay, so I kept the server. But now, unfortunately, or fortunately depending on the point of view, I do have bills to pay, so therefore cannot afford to continue paying that price just for a website. So I have been in the process of transferring my site over to a much less expensive WordPress site, which doesn’t quite lend the creative freedom I am used to (and am disappointed to learn I can’t use the professional theme I actually previously bought, on a non-professional plan), but oh well, it’s the ‘price’ of saving money, lol. So in case there are any glitches with the switch over, that is why, and I also hope all my awesome followers continue to receive email notifications when I update.
I just thought I’d get that out of the way, in case anyone wonders why I haven’t been updating in a while. I’ve gotten used to updating little notes rather than huge journal entries like this one will be, and it feels comfortable and maybe preferable. But there is still a purpose for these great long journal entries!
I will just say that I have no idea what my last journal entry was about. I assume it was before I ended up in hospital, because since then I’ve been too ill to do much like write a huge journal entry. That said, I’m starting to come round. For those that don’t follow me on Twitter, I will recap the events:
I was making some cannabis oil (attempt number #2) when I suddenly lost consciousness, and kept coming round and losing consciousness every few seconds. This has happened to me once before, a couple of years ago when I had also used cannabis (but before I grew it myself), but I didn’t come to any conclusion as to what had occurred. This second time round I assumed it was because I’d been on the phone to Graeme (my ex [before I learned I am actually a lesbian] and probably the only healthy influence in my entire life) catching up after two years of silence and becoming friends again, which maybe caused some kind of strange dissociative seizure in response. However, a dissociative seizure doesn’t last two whole days. I was taken to hospital under assumption it was an adrenal crisis, with the end verdict being that the adrenal crisis was secondary to whatever else was going on, which they assumed was stress. However, they probably saved my life with all that cortisol and saline fluid, and monitoring me overnight. What I only just learned is that amitriptyline can be extremely dangerous taken with cannabis due to the effects on the heart (noted by my tachycardia of 170bpm), which can cause myocardial infarction (fancy speak for heart attack) and stroke. So basically, I’d had a deadly drug interaction.
If you’re wondering why I didn’t look this up beforehand – I came to remember that I did, but didn’t pay any attention to it, LOL. After all, you’re not supposed to drink alcohol with amitriptyline anyway, but I do. My doctor said it was fine in small quantities. And I believe with the cannabis it’s fine in small quantities (specifically the THC), but that week leading up to being taken to hospital I had been vaping heavily due to myofascial pain preventing me from sleeping, and I believe that day I’d accidentally inhaled a lot of activated cannabis every time I opened the oven to check on the decarbing to make the oil. It’d gotten to the point I had so much THC in my system… all hell broke loose, and my liver couldn’t process both cannabis and amitriptyline simultaneously because they require the same enzymes… and the rest is history. I also believe it depends on personal physiology too. I’ve never had this with alcohol, and I’ve certainly been drunk a couple of times (only a couple, lol! Thanks gastritis for that). And some people are completely fine with amitriptyline and cannabis together. Then again, they may not accidentally overdose like I seem prone to.
However, after that happening twice now (the first time I had also accidentally overdosed on cannabis) and due to the danger and risk, I have learned my lesson and am never doing it (taking cannabis/THC) again. I cannot get off the amitriptyline – I have tried, and I was doing well up until the hospital incidence, but now I’m back to square one with the drug interaction having completely thrown my body’s balance off. I’ve had so many strange symptoms and health complaints since, and have had to go back up on amitriptyline as a result, which is helping.
So that leaves me with the question of what to do with all this cannabis I am currently growing?! Well, thankfully, I found someone who will be willing to buy it all, which will certainly make up for all the expensive growing equipment I invested in. After that I’m going to grow pure hemp or basically what are CBD strains of cannabis. I have ordered Charlotte’s Web which is a medical strain and has less that 0.3% THC in, which shouldn’t be nearly enough to trigger a drug interaction, even over time with it building up in my system. If I can find any strains with even less THC than that, it will be ideal. I still go through a lot of CBD oil, needing the minimum of 10% (1000mg) which is about £60 per 30ml bottle… very expensive! So I can grow my own. So I will still be growing cannabis… just the CBD version! It is a potent, wonderful medicine, either way.
However, the emotional effects of my being taken to hospital I feel were much more devastating to me, especially right before Christmas and the New Year. I cannot explain just how alone I felt, especially when my sister did not come over on the night I was being taken to hospital, even after the paramedics called her. Because of my belief it was dissociative she assumed I was fine, and not actually probably dying. Having mental health illness – sometimes you do end up going into hospital feeling like you’re dying but it’s just an anxiety attack or psychosis – she is used to that from me in the past, unfortunately. Which made me question myself and realise I have to take myself much more seriously, because if I had, she may have done too. Regardless, she wasn’t there for me, she offered no help at all during or after I was discharged, and I was left absolutely exhausted and bedbound for a good week or two and having to look after my dog (my one friend in this village who takes my dog out on the weekends came for her and looked after her whilst I was in hospital).
Suffice to say – I was just extremely depressed as a result of all that. Completely alone, no family there for me, no friends beside the one who took my dog overnight (I am very grateful for that though!), and extremely weak and drained mentally and physically. And THEN I had to deal with Christmas! Let’s just say when you have PTSD, holidays are not fun. You remember all the previous years that were a shit show. And this was my first Christmas completely alone since I’d cut off my mother and in the process the entire rest of my maternal family. My father as usual did not contact me. I could be dead for all he knows and I doubt he’d care that much. Everything just… felt so dark, after so much progress healing, and it just sent my entire faith into crisis. The gods were there for me sure but… I started dissociating badly and my good old friend psychosis started to return. To be honest, looking back, psychosis had been there flirting with me on and off the past few months since I lowered my amitriptyline dose anyway, and I was aware of that at the time (I am always highly cautious of it, because psychosis is not fun), but I think by the turn of January I was just fed up and was like, “that’s it, I’m dumping spirituality”.
I’ve been reassessing my faith a lot. What I came to realise is that I have an atheist alter who has always appeared during times of psychosis in order to protect me from getting wrapped up in the imagery and hallucinations disguised as visions. It’s both a gift and a curse being a ‘seer’, because you never know what you’re gonna get, and I had been reassessing my beliefs a lot. Like for example the fact that my propensity to see things (visions, hallucinations) comes from my highly religious mother with clearly undealt with mental health illness who basically taught me through example to fear them and use obsessive devotion to stave them off. So I had been asking myself, am I just on some level copying her out of a malformed trauma response? A handed down coping mechanism? Did I take that obsessive devotion and shift it from Christianity to Paganism and call it a day thinking I was different from her and had really changed and healed? How could I trust the gods were real in that case? And like many of my alters created to protect me from her, my atheist alter was asking these questions of me also in attempt to protect me against continuing that cycle of toxic faith, in whatever its form…
But… too many coincidences have happened where I believe the gods have been doing their upmost best (for some reason, I honestly never know why they are so good to me, I am honestly just a no one) to get some sense into me, and despite the pain, through it all (not as a result of, let me make that clear) been showing me so many new things I never knew and saw before. For example, I’d never have known what landed me in hospital was a drug interaction unless someone had offhandedly inquired, “maybe it was a drug interaction”, which I thought was silly… until I looked it up, and it all made sense and brought me back to my centre. Or, I’d never have learned that there is actually scientific evidence consciousness exists beyond the brain somehow, even if it’s not understood, unless a random Netflix documentary was presented to me which usually I’d have no interest in (‘Surviving Death’,). As if the gods were trying to nudge me in the right direction, after I’d made up my mind again (or the atheist alter had) that I was totally done with it all again and everything was just down to my mental and physical health. OR! I’d never have learned I actually have undiagnosed inattentive ADHD??? This is absolutely massive. It explains so much of my struggles in moving forward in my life. Or I’d never have seen the doctor about my nerve pain, which turns out is actually myofascial pain syndrome which I was working on previously and got a real professional opinion on (not really a diagnosis, but close enough). I’d also never have upped my amitriptyline again, being too stubborn for it, unless the gods explicitly made me aware that they are not science deniers and that I actually need the medicine to be physiologically balanced and thereby able to be more receptive to them (fancy that, when the rest of the spiritual community seems to think that such necessary medicines make you less receptive) and thereby was causing my own feelings of detachment from them.
And I’d never have learned I have an atheist alter protecting me, but also spiritual alters whom I identify with but who aren’t actually me (this was made clear when I sat down at my altar intending to make an awkward speech to the gods about how I’m not sure I believe anymore but then what happened instead was the usual self-assured rituals, my mouth and body working apart from my own thoughts and goals). I have always known I have very spiritual alters, but this was the first time I really noticed them as separate to my own identity. So, suddenly, I am aware of this dynamic going on in me, and the fact both alters were already happily mediating their differences without my help. But it always helps to be made consciously aware.
Basically what I am saying is that, despite the dire circumstances I’ve felt to be in lately, it just seems like the gods are there, reminding me of their much greater view point and informed and educated opinion and trying to lead me towards that. And honestly, like I said, I don’t even know why they do… I have such low self-esteem, I struggle to believe they really care for me, but their actions prove it, especially during a time where I’ve had absolutely no one to show me through actions their love. The gods have been doing it for me in their own way best they can instead. And honestly, I don’t know what to say, other than thank you…
This is probably not the end of the mental struggle for me, but I also came to realise something else extremely important in regards to my sexual dysfunction and trauma and it seems to have shifted something massive since. In essence, sexual activity is one of the most intimate and loving practices one can engage in. But, I have this alter called ‘the Monster’ who is the absolute embodiment of self-hatred, and for years I honestly feared I was possessed due to him (thanks mother for the religious abuse that made me believe that). But funnily enough, through the appearance of Kylo Ren as an alter and manifestation of this angry sub system (the guy is full of self-hatred, if it’s not obvious!) I came to identify that self-hatred has actually been the problem, and it’s so intense it has often felt like it will kill me if it ‘gets out’. And yet, funnily enough all that rage makes one extremely exhausted (parallels with my chronic fatigue?) that the Monster is usually sleeping, lol! So he can’t really do much damage. Not until he wakes up and decides to let all hell loose. And what I didn’t realise is that my habitual dissociating during ‘me time’ was an attempt of my system to prevent him from waking up, because of course during a moment requiring so much self-love, he would rise, triggered, to make sure that doesn’t happen.
“Darkness rises, and light to meet it”– Star Wars, The Last Jedi
I am very good at self-care and self-love, I’ve had many years to develop the practice, because no one else has loved me and I’ve had to do it all myself, lol. But this is on a very deep unconscious level, which is now coming to light. And as a result… the dissociation and self-hatred during those ‘me time’ moments seem to have just vanished. The angry sexual alters are no longer hurting me or the body, and I seem to be feeling much more physical sensation (this was a problem, I couldn’t feel anything physically unless it was extreme to the point of hurting myself… it’s not a good way to relieve yourself of stress, more like create more stress).
I grew up in such a sexually repressed household, religiously abused and demonised, homophobic environment… and that’s on top of possible sexual abuse that I don’t consciously remember but my body seemed to react to as if it was really happening, 25 years later.
In essence… goodness, I have felt so down and depressed, but through it have learned so much thanks to the gods continuing to pester me through their love (very grateful for it) despite my doubt and confusion.
Writing all this, I feel somehow clearer, and I wrote tonight specifically because I felt all the pieces come together in my mind and wanted to get them down before they vanish.
I’ve been through too much pain, and my body is punishing me for trauma I never deserved. I don’t know if it will ever recover, these are literally physiological scars that will always be with me, leaving me perhaps physically impaired for the rest of my days compared to able people. And that too is depressing…
But I am nothing if not a warrior, a fighter, a survivor. I have myself, I have the gods… and I have all the wonderful people and friends I’ve met and made on the internet lately, who are godsends. Even though I have nearly no one in real life… I have never felt more supported than I do now.
So I want to thank each and everyone of you who have read this, and lend me strength and support, either indirectly or directly.
I also want to end this by thanking Selene and Nyx. Two goddesses who have been my biggest supporters during these dark times. The goddesses of darkness themselves.
May you all be blessed 🙏