Sin, She Stirs

Chaos. Solace. Amusement. Murder. Justice. Transformation.

Sextet transcribed water-coloured pastel portrait.

I must be going through the motions
Putrid in the depths of my mind

Reminiscing sevenfold vengeance
Musing will-o’-the-wisps passing as infatuation,
Vomit surges.

Veritable essence,
“When you gaze long into an abyss,
The abyss gazes also into you”

And all are insignificant pinpricks of galaxies and revolving stars
Penetrating the darkness,

The serpent stirs.

Healing, Healing, Healing

I realised the other day I haven’t updated my journal since July! I usually try to write one for each festival of the wheel of the year, but I think I’ve been slacking off lately, haha. But as usual so much has happened, I’m not even sure where to begin recounting.

I read back through my previous journal and see a lot was in relation to gender and sexual identity, to be honest, not much has changed but I’ve taken the process of questioning internally since I realised I don’t need any external validation for it. As a result I feel I have come to a quiet place of self-acceptance with it all, even though I don’t have a label for any of it. Having some kind of one word label just for others is a bit boring now I think of it. Sexuality and gender are complex and messy and not always binary or linear. And certainly with new revelations that have come to light through some freaking intense shadow work where I went to a very hellish place for a good month or so around September and by the end of it all learned or rather remembered I really was raped as a young child and am amnesiac of that fact and then had to relive the trauma of that…. for the second time because I didn’t believe it the first time round, and then came to learn Asmodeus is not my persecutor but in fact my protector to make sure I don’t remember or at least believe any of it really happened…. yeah.

I have a lot of rage and pain deep within me that I’m finally unearthing now I have the freedom and space to do so living alone away from continuing psychological and religious abuse. To be honest, I haven’t really had much choice anyway thanks to covid and lockdown and being basically in self-isolation since March because I’m classed as vulnerable with my Addison’s disease (a diagnosis I STILL question the validity of… more on that later). But with the help of psychotherapy via Zoom and meditation and studying further into healing practices such as Myofascial Trigger Point Therapy I have been really releasing a lot of it, and I am starting to feel like an entirely new person.

Basically what I have learned through this entire process is just how disconnected my mind is from my body, and in a sense I am able to see my own mind clearer (funnily because it takes the mind to visualise something, no? Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am”, comes to mind) and I find myself in awe at just how extensive my mental world is. I certainly don’t think all of that mental activity is meant to interface with the body, but for sure there is so much disconnection and dissociation from the body, and the process of repairing that has been happening for me these past few months. And in that process emotions must be felt, and they must be felt within the body as the chronic pain which has been plaguing me for years. This chronic pain turns out to have crystallised as hard inflamed knots within the muscles known as myofascial points, you know… the hard knots you feel being worked during a massage, those same ones! And I have been working on physically deactivating them and releasing the associated unprocessed traumatic memories and emotions held within them.

If there is one major lesson I have learned from all this learning to be present with my body, it’s that I have not been present with it because the accumulated physical pain is just too intense for me, the physical pain triggered by all the emotional pain and traumas I went through. But now I am learning to be present with it, I see the pain was never some kind of condition or disorder or whatever the doctors have diagnosed me with. Through being present with it and working to relax and release that physical tension in and around the muscles and myofascia, my chronic migraine frequency has reduced to 25%, my sciatica is no longer a problem, and idiopathic hypersomnia? I do not remember the last time I needed to take a nap during the day. I am awake, alert, and more pain free than I’ve been in years, all without needing the strong painkillers I was on beforehand. Furthermore, I finally had a gastroscopy and it turns out there is nothing physically wrong with my stomach, and since learning that, the gastric pain has funnily also reduced to about 25% what it was. Not to say the gastric pain is not triggered by the use of steroids (the doctor considered it functional, which means basically sensitive with no medical explanation), but it seems a large part of that has also been stress and trauma-rooted.

On top of that, I have finally managed to reduce my steroid dose to lowest it’s been in years. I have come to realise my dose was always much higher than it should’ve been because my body was always stressed, essentially constantly in habitual fight or flight mode and always needing extra steroids than normal to get through the day as a result. Now I am releasing the stress my body does not need as much (which is also good news for my stomach). Which has me again asking the old question of: Do I really have Addison’s disease or is it just this mass of chronic physical stress with the steroids having a mild anti-inflammatory effect on the body? I don’t know if I’ll know either way. An MRI showed my adrenals to now be atrophied which means they are small and don’t work. If I really have Addison’s disease they truly will never work again because they are destroyed and all I can do is continue releasing my stress so I can maintain a nice low dose of steroids, however if I don’t have Addison’s disease I am not sure they would reawaken now (for those who don’t know how it works, taking steroids will cause your adrenals to stop working because they no longer need to provide the steroid themselves, and this causes secondary adrenal insufficiency in patients who are on long term steroid treatment, as opposed to Addison’s disease which is primary adrenal insufficiency and caused by the immune system attacking and killing the adrenal glands).

Either way, whilst I could have regrets in regards to treating myself with steroids and being dependent on them, I’m hoping for the best and having faith in the healing process and believe spirit is showing me further stops along the way necessary to fully embodying the healer. That quote in the bible always comes to mind: “healer, heal thyself”. I am the wounded healer, I was broken and shattered absolutely to learn to put myself back together so one day I can do the same for others. And hopefully that one day may be soon. I was hoping to start offering energy healing sessions at the beginning of the year after first moving out but it’s clear I needed to learn much more still. I feel that I shouldn’t let my mentality of “there’s still so much for me to learn” prevent me from healing when I’m already very skilled, but as it happens I don’t get to choose the timing, spirit does. So I am going with the flow, and hoping to figure it out by the beginning of spring 2021. I will say one thing about offering healing sessions though – I will not be charging extortionate prices. I know the value of my work, I also know that sick people are also usually poor. Otherwise they wouldn’t be sick (let’s face it, anyone can easily figure out that finances and health are largely entwined). It is an exchange of energy, but I’m not going to kill people in the process with my fees, lol. Honestly it blows my mind why anyone would need to charge more than £60 an hour for healing. I have seen some prices of ‘well known’ healers be up to £125 an hour. How is that justified? Well, I’m not them, so that’s not for me to figure out. But I’d imagine it’s unconsciously modelled upon the American healthcare system which charges you an arm and a leg for literally anything. An ambulance ride just to the actual hospital? You’re looking at a thousand dollars. Meanwhile healthcare in the UK is free (but it’s also not that good, lol, as is obvious by my own ‘diagnoses’ and lack of proper investigation into them, just given pills and told to go home).

Anyway I ramble. I feel that I’m very much the stereotypical Virgo who is basically the archetypical goddess of healing, and let’s not forget Hermes the ruler of Virgo who is the essentially the shaman who walks between worlds. That is who I am and am meant to embody in this life, the shamanic healer, especially with my Virgo sun residing in the twelfth house which is the realm of the unconscious and humanity as a collective. But there is a process and the need to be sensitive to flow and timing.

I have also been growing my own cannabis and succeeded with my first harvest. Cannabis is definitely a fussy plant to grow that is for sure, but I enjoy it immensely, it is so rewarding. The cannabis plant has been vital actually in much of my healing these past few months, and the depths she’s taken me to in that process. Cannabis is a wonderful shamanic plant, and she gives you what you ask for. She’s been described by others as a ‘shadow worker’, she embodies darkness which if unhealed can manifest in depression and psychosis, but if worked with can bring the light of consciousness in. I feel like if I had the perfect world job it would be growing this medicine for people to sell, but where I am it is still illegal and I just grow for personal use which is not legal but not illegal either.

In fact for me cannabis is the world tree, her roots descend into darkness and her branches into light, and her leaves number seven which is that sacred number which correspond with many things but most notably for me the main energy centres within the body. The world tree after all being ultimately within us, that bridge between the three worlds, Cannabis opens the gates to that experience within the psyche and spirit.

I also find myself feeling similar lately about cocoa which is basically dark chocolate! It has also become a potent medicine for me.

What can I say but that everything, literally everything I do in my life is orientated towards healing, health, wellness, and wholeness. There is no other purpose for me. And that need to heal others may be reflective of my own needs, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do good with helping others who need it along the way, because I am a long time on this path now.

Another focus and area of healing for me that came out of all the intense shadow work I have been doing lately is the rearranging of my free time, of which I have much, but have historically wasted through mega procrastination as a form of escapism from reality. What this really means is that I came to learn I have an internet addiction, as the internet for a good decade kept me sane when living within an environment of familial abuse; It was my only freedom. But now I actually have true freedom, this internet procrastination is now a bad habit and I came to realise was preventing me from actualising myself. I realised I wanted to spend my time doing more creative things away from my smartphone, and so as a result ended up setting up my iPhone to lock me out in the mornings and evenings where I have no choice but to spend time focusing on me and what I really want to be doing.

It turns out the things I want to be doing are not-so-surprisingly spiritually focused. Of course, this is all part of my process of healing, of reconnecting with my spirit. I feel very strongly that in many past lives I was used to this kind of isolated, monastic lifestyle, and that’s where I find myself heading and retreating to kind of naturally. Of course, being in the middle of a pandemic where I have to self-isolate makes that kind of natural anyway as I can’t go out and see people, but I will savour this period whilst it lasts.

So now, much of my time is actively spent focused spiritually. I wake up and say good morning to the gods and my spirit allies, I pick a tarot card for the day to hone my intuition, I meditate for fifteen minutes, then I pick up a book and start reading and studying. The books are spiritual, occult, or healing based, and this routine in the mornings has the benefit of getting my brain working again after what feels like many years of unfortunate disuse due to abuse and resulting physical and mental health preventing it from working. Because if there’s one thing I’ve always done very naturally – it’s learn, study, and absorb information, and become an expert on whatever I set my sights upon. And now I have the freedom and have healed enough that my own body no longer prevents me, it’s time to become the spiritual ‘master’ I know is waiting within me.

I am learning, healing, changing and transforming gradually into the person I really am deep down, the person I’ve always been or always was in my spirit aside from all the abuse, through the support of my therapist and the integration of my trauma-based alters (not all alters within me being trauma-based, but part of my spiritual multidimensional self) and the support of my spirit allies who without I would not be where I am today.

But ultimately, in the end, I know it has always been my own incredible strength that has kept me going. I am a warrior. I was born on a Tuesday, don’t you know?! Mars rules my birthday! 😛

09/11/2020: Myofascial trigger point therapy self help session

I have located three main trigger point pairs in my body causing three main ‘conditions’ I was diagnosed with over the years:

1. The first I came across without knowing they were trigger points were from guided meditation in therapy and then my mechanical shiatsu massage I used on my neck. This pair is at the point the back of the neck meets the shoulder, and these primarily cause my diagnosis of chronic migraine.

2. The second I came across first through yin yoga then through intuitively prodding still before realising they were trigger points are the pair on the outer edge of my gluteus medius (possibly actually the piriformis, the two muscles are very close together). Massaging these with my fingers for a few seconds would instantly relieve my diagnosis of ‘sciatica’.

3. The third I have found now through trigger point therapy are a pair or should I say two pairs on my brow bone, one pair on the inner brow bone and one pair on the outer brow bone, and these are responsible primarily for my diagnosis of ‘idiopathic hypersomnia’ and secondarily for migraine.

I do not have any of these conditions. I have myofascial pain syndrome brought about by C-PTSD, as the trigger point therapy at home is working. I wonder if it’s worth bringing this up to my doctor.

Furthermore, when I press on the points but ESPECIALLY the left outer gluteus medius (or piriformis) trigger point, my alters are activated along with all their physical dysfunctions i.e. the referred ‘pain map’, except in this case the referred pain activation is emotional and psychological as well as physical. I will bring this up with my therapist. The most important of all these being the left outer gluteus medius/piriformis trigger point which activates completely Asmodeus, who is my persecutor/protector for sexual abuse experienced in my amnesiac past. This means, yes, I am reliving the experience during the pressing of this point. It is perhaps important to note as a link that often when I press these gluteus medius/piriformis trigger points it can also feel extremely orgasmic, as my sexual anxiety as a result of the abuse is instantly relieved. So it is not always a terrible experience.

I do not know how long it takes to permanently deactivate these trigger points, if indeed that’s possible. Perhaps that is written about later on in the book I’m currently studying.

I do know however with all this deep emotional work happening as a result, my rose quartz massage wand I’ve been using is not enough and I need to get myself an obsidian massage wand.

One could say these are also stagnant or blocked energy points and channeling reiki into them has also helped.

I believe this is entirely the ancient Chinese practice of acupuncture summed up. The physical effect of the needles placed in the myofascial trigger points and the spiritual effect of energy channeled through the needles to unblock the corresponding subtle ‘chi’.

I am learning so much.

06/11/2020: Today’s card: Death

I was surprised to receive this, but then realising that I’d been considering name changes very seriously last night and prayed about it this morning just before picking a card, this is what it must be referring to, my need and goal for total transformation by disconnecting myself – dying – to my mother, to everything she entails, to my old life and old me. So I take this as a positive sign, to continue going ahead, or at least even if not a sign, it confirms how I am feeling, and that only good can become of it, for after death of course is rebirth, or salvation, depending on your world view.

25/10/2020: Meditation

I keep going out of body lately when I meditate. It happened again today.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. In the moment it’s just a thing, neither good or bad.

I felt scared though and anchored onto the breath, focusing on my breathing. Thought stopped existing but it felt too much like when I’m dissociating and have brain fog. Only the breath kept me centered and feeling some connection to my body, like a strong tether. For a while I was just in this strange place of my mind miles outside my body in a scary ‘no thought’ place but my breath inside my body fully living. I felt like if I were to stop breathing or that connection to the breath were to be severed… I’d die, and float around like a wight.


The Jedi Trials of Knighthood

The following text is taken from Star Wars – The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force, by Daniel Wallace

1. The Trial of Skill

Demonstrates a Jedi’s competence with a lightsaber and the Force principles of Control.

Don’t be fooled into thinking the Trial of Skill as a physical challenge. Master Vaunk and the Council members will judge your performance based on a series of lightsaber tests, but in truth this Trial hinges on a Jedi’s ability to maintain self-discipline in the face of distraction.

Lightsaber combat is attached to the Trial of Skill as a matter of modern convenience, for every Jedi must demonstrate the ability to wield a blade. Yet lightsaber combat springs from the discipline of Control. Early in the history of the Order, the Trial of Skill took many forms, including acrobatics while balanced on the tip of a wooden staff and keeping a single pebble suspended while standing in the vortex of a howling Typhonese hailstorm.

3.68 The Trial of Skill is not a test of athleticism, but of Control.

Do not bother to anticipate what type of lightsaber challenge you will encounter during the Trial of Skill or which opponent you will face. The popular rumour among Padawans is that you must outlast the Jedi Battlemaster in a session that may span hours. This could be true, for aching fatigue provides exactly the kid of challenge to a Jedi’s focus that the Trial of Skill is meant to evaluate. Yet you may face multiple opponents at once; a succession of fresh opponents while you become increasingly exhausted; a duel with one Jedi while another manipulates your perceptions or shifts the floor tiles beneath your feet; or perhaps even a duel with a member of the Council, including our venerable Grand Master – a rare privilege indeed.

3.69 Through tangible holoprojections, Padawans might test their skills against a Sith Lord.

Such challenges are not meant to be unfair. All are designed to mimic challenges you may one day face if you are to serve the Order and the Republic as a Jedi Knight.

The latest feature in the Jedi trials Chamber is a holographic projector, introduced after the victory at Ruusan and capable of creating enemies from the air itself. With this tool you might face Darth Ruin, Lord Kaan, or any of the worst monsters to ever rise from the dark side.

Exceptions: Padawans who have bested a battlemaster during sparring, or who have demonstrated blindfolded mastery of the saber training exercise Faalo’s Cadences, may be judged sufficiently advanced in this area that standard testing is redundant.

2. The Trial of Courage

Establishes a Jedi’s skill and fortitude in the face of danger and overwhelming odds.

Even if your talents lean more toward diplomacy than war, courage is an intrinsic part of being a Jedi. Though the Force is with us, we are small in number when compared to the people of the galaxy. We have numerous enemies, and must also contend with those who do not understand our Order and therefore misinterpret our motives. As Jedi, we can never relax our discipline – nor can we fail to confront evil. A Jedi who is afraid to confront injustice is no Jedi at all, which makes the Trial of Courage a revelatory test.

I cannot tell you what you will face in your Trial of Courage. Its purpose is for a Padawan to persist in the face of fear. If you know what the trial will consist of, then the true measure of your courage will not be tested.

3.70 The Trial of Courage measures a Padawan’s willingness to fight evil despite the fear it may instil.

In previous eras, a Padawan was considered to have passed the Trial of Courage if he or she demonstrated battlefield heroics such as standing up to a vastly powerful Sith Lord. Similar dispensations were handed out by the Council during the last war. But in such situations it was times difficult to sort out courage from recklessness. Overconfidence is a flaw, and rushing in unprepared can often make things worse. Courage must be aligned with the fourth precept of the Jedi Code: There is no chaos, there is harmony.

The war is over, but the Council may still assign special missions to Padawans who wish to pass the Trial of Courage. The mission could simply be a creation of the Council to test your reactions within the Jedi trials Chamber, or it could be deadly dangerous. Regardless of the nature of your challenge, it is important you do not share the details of your experience with your fellow Padawans. All must experience this Trial untainted.

Exceptions: A variety of special dispensations can be given for this trial, encompassing Padawans who have succeeded in a difficult mission or who have saved the lives of their Masters.

3. The Trial of the Flesh

Determines a Jedi’s capacity to overcome great pain.

For many Padawans, the Trial of the Flesh is the most difficult of the Knighthood trials. This ordeal will test your ability to overcome great pain, and it may be quite literal.

As a historian, I have studied the Trial of the Flesh in its incarnations throughout the millenia. During the Pius Dea era, the Jedi Order subjected Padawans to torments of cold, cuts, sonic shocks, and the application of sustained, low-powered blaster fire in the technique that the smugglers call “the Burning.” Now condemned as barbarism, this practice is best understood as a product of its time. It did, however, crystallise the Trial of the Flesh’s most fundamental principle: divorcing the self from the spirit.

During the most recent war against the Sith, the Council viewed battle as a living expression of the Trial of the Flesh. All Padawans who survived a war injury passed this Trial on the evidence of their scars. Padawans who had defeated a Sith Lord sometimes passed the Trials of the Flesh, Skill, and Courage simultaneously. Far from being a matter of political expediency, these battlefield trials have a long precedent in the Jedi Order. Padawans who lost a limb to cho mok or another Mark of Contact surrendered their flesh to demonstrate their commitment to the Jedi Order.

3.71 Physical pain is one type of test a Padawan may face in the Trial of the Flesh.

It is now a different time, and we do not expect Padawans to prove their worth through wounds. The Trials of the Flesh, in fact, is about more than physical agony. The pain of loss is part of your passage from Padawan to Knight, for you are giving up the closest bond you have ever known. As the partnership with your Master is formally dissolved, you may be overwhelmed by feelings of sadness or regret. This is part of your Trial of the Flesh. Think well on the first precept of the Jedi Code: There is no emotion, there is peace.

3.72 Emotional pain is another type of test one may face in the Trial of the Flesh.

Exceptions: Significant pain and loss is considered a worthy demonstration, such as Initiates who were recruited later in life and have experienced the pain and loss and quieted their feelings for the family of their birth.

4.The Trial of the Spirit

Tests a Jedi’s ability to vanquish inner battles and emerge unscathed.

Outsiders think that the Jedi exist to crusade against enemies – that we are mere counterbalances to the threat of the Sith. Only among our own ranks do we recognise that being a Jedi is an emotional commitment to a higher spirituality. This is the challenge represented by the Trial of Spirit, known among some as Facing the Mirror.

Jedi possess great power, and those who have fallen to the dark side have unleashed their power in waves of misery. The Trial of Spirit measures your temptations and whether you can put them aside in the service of a greater cause. Although this is just as much a battle as the Trial of Skill, during this challenge you might not flex a single muscle. The battlescape is in your mind, and victory is marked by a profound sense of peace.

It is impossible to describe the Trial of Spirit. I do not know the fears coiled in your heart. Not even Grand Master Fae would presume to dictate your challenges. The Trial of Spirit is to be carried out under deep meditation, with a Master who will nudge you onto the path that you least wish to tread.

Under meditation you may feel that you’ve been transported off Coruscant entirely. You may see the faces of colleagues who have long since passed into the Force. You will undoubtedly see things that disturb you, from enemies you have faced to the most horrific cacodemons in the Core’s nightmarish mythology.

Remember the third precept of the Jedi Code: There is no passion, there is serenity. Stay true to the discipline of self-control, and keep in mind that you are but an agent of the Force. Once you accept that grief, shame, revenge, and all other emotions that center on the self have no hold on you, you will emerge victorious. If you do not, you will merge broken and screaming. You should hope you do not fail the Trial of Spirit.

3.73 During the Trial of Spirit, Jedi must mentally face their deepest fears.

Exceptions: Padawans shown to have mastered their own dark side may be judged to have passed this trial. (During the war, this included followers of the Sith army who turned to the light.)

5. The Trial of Insight

Reveals a Jedi’s aptitude for distinguishing reality from illusion through deceptive challenges.

Can Jedi be deceived? Of course, but only if we ignore the will of the Force or the information in our Archives. A Jedi who is deceived is no longer working for the cause of the light side. In extreme cases, a Jedi operating under delusions may become a danger to innocents.

The Trial of Insight guards against this threat. It was the last test to be formalised as part of the Trials of Knighthood, and rose to prominence after it became clear that the Trials were producing Jedi who were brave, competent, and could overcome temptation – but who could not see through the patter of a simple con artist.

Deception and misdirection are threats to the Jedi, and our enemies frequently use them against us. The Hutts have been the ruin of countless Jedi campaigns throughout history, not due to their martial prowess but through their trickery. The Trial of Insight tests a Padawan’s ability to see through illusion and judge the person beneath, and to filter out distractions in search of the truth.

3.74 In order to gain insight, Jedi must be able to find truth amidst deceit and trickery.

Over the centuries many challenges have been employed to assess this ability in the Trial of Insight. These include locating a single grain of sand within a field of stones, determining the content and meaning of a fragmentary text from scattered pieces, and solving any of the High Riddles of Dwartii – and no, researching the riddles in the Archives beforehand is not permitted.

The Trial of Insight may occur at a moment when you are not prepared for it, and may in fact be part of an unrelated challenge. I am reminded of three Padawans undergoing the eighth hour of the Trial of Skill. Through a perceptual trick all were made to believe they faced a horde of angry warriors. One battled on in the face of certain defeat and passed her Trial of Courage. The second perceived the illusory nature of the combatants and passed his Trial of Insight. The third bowed out of the trial, citing exhaustion, and failed to become a Knight.

3.75 Insight may also be gained by seeing beyond what is physically in front of you, to what is real.

Exceptions: If a Padawan has demonstrated wisdom beyond his or her years and training, this may count as a pass – particularly if he or she divined a solution that avoided violence.

20/10/2010: Sunday night experience

I am shattered. I’ve spent the last month in my shadows, letting them play… my worst alters and aspects of myself. Trying to understand them, to accept them as part of me, to integrate and eventually heal them. I’ve run out of energy now and I sense it’s time to rest and assimilate, because this will all be back at a later date… it is inevitable as time has shown they are always lurking, and this is the first time I have ever faced them. I did well. Even though I only got a glimpse into this extensive, damaged dysfunction… I did well. I should be proud of myself.

The other night I think kinda kicked off this realisation that I need to rest now but also had me making changes in my life… much needed for some time but… but body really is shattered and I need some real recovery time.

Basically I realised I am addicted to my smart phone, and at one time (well, most of my adult life) it was a means of escape and served me as a form of freedom away from the pain I wasn’t able to escape in my family environment. From aged 16 to aged 27, just over a whole decade of addiction. Which now I have my freedom away from that abusive, traumatic environment, no longer serves me.

But how do you reign in an addiction when the tool for the addiction is always there? Thankfully my iPhone has this smart ‘screen time’ function where I was able to set it to lock me out between 9pm and 10am. An entire 13 hours every day without smart phone access. Sunday night was my first night of this.

You’d think I’d sleep great without the distraction and noise of social media, but in fact I’ve never slept so poorly. I’ve had a mysterious migraine and I’m in bed for most of all those 12 hours completely exhausted but unable to sleep and just tossing and turning from side to side. It’s… its own form of torture.

So that brings me back to Sunday night and what actually happened. I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, and all I can hear is the NOISE in my brain, so much NOISE. And I ask it to be quiet, I ask the alters to be quiet, I ask everything to be quiet, but they are so loud. It’s all the anxiety and anger and tension I’ve been focusing on the last month, amplifying purposely within my own self in my bid to understand and heal. But now it’s carried away from me, out of my control, and the noise will not stop.

I do not remember what happened first, but I will present the events as such: I become aware of something in my body-aura that is not right, I chalked it down to illness or lack of sleep and general imbalance, but as I become aware of it I see that there are six entities standing around me chanting in a rite, chanting in a way you’d think was trying to help but it is so noisy and in a bid of desperation, feeling so disconnected from my spirit allies, I call out in the one place above me where there is silence:

“Please, if any kind, helpful, loving, guiding spirit, who is out there can hear me, and has the tools to help my current plight, please come to my aid, because I’m in agony”.

All of a sudden this imbalance in my aura, I see it disappear like a ghostly serpent the colour kind of like old vomit, receding away from me and a strong presence of complete silence and calm descends upon me and my mind, and I feel all of me hugged as if to say it’s alright, I can rest now. I cry in this loving presence firstly not expecting anyone to come to my aid as I have been blocked from feeling my allies again during this period, and secondly just crying in relief of this peace and love. I then notice the chanting of those six entities has stopped and those entities left with the sickly energy together. That is when I suddenly placed this energy that I had been dealing with: Insanity.

I remember this spirit, or alter, at this point I’m not sure. This arch-nemesis of mine (well, I have a lot of nemeses lol), I remember this cursed feeling and I remember his influence now that it’s gone. During my expedition to discover and heal the darkness within me, I had invited insanity back inside. And now for the first time in the last month since, he was driven off.

I thank whichever spirit came to my aid, and ask her to stay with me to help guide me in figuring this all out. It is her presence I sense now telling me to rest and rebuild my strength to face this foe once again in the future, for he will return, that is inevitable… they always return. But for now I must recenter myself and my peace, until then.

I learned a lot from this encounter and it has me musing on its lessons. There is a lot more to learn here, I know. But for now I must have the strength to rest.

I do not know who the ally was. I sense I probably already know her. Because even if I can’t feel them, they are always there.

I hope this entire ordeal brings me strength of character.

12/10/2020: Death

I walk down a dark corridor. At the end is a forest and Death is there waiting for me. There is an open coffin and he motions to get inside. I do.

He buries me with dirt and darkness. Everything disappears and there is only darkness and my floating in it. All the darkness is sucked inside me and I find myself somewhere that feels underground in a pitch black room, with a strange ghostly light from above only reflecting the ripples of my footsteps as I walk on what appears to be water.

Death is then on my right side. He motions to a red door in front of me. I ask what’s through there. “It’s your choice”, he replies. Every question I ask is repeated with this one answer: “It’s your choice”.

I open the door slowly and peek through. There are demons, devils, rooms upon rooms of torture chambers, dungeons. There are devils that are psychopaths, murderers, the worst of the worst in what I know is my own personal hell. There are stairs going down and I walk down past more and more floors of this depravity. There is an orgy going off to one side someplace… there is a cackling voice somewhere else as if a devil notices me and finds it hideously amusing. I walk through… untouched, nauseated… yet unafraid. I know my mind, even if this is the first time I’ve seen the basement as such.

At the bottom of the stairs is another corridor. I walk down it and under the floor is a little cell, barring in a young girl. She asks me to help her. I struggle to say yes, feeling like I just want to leave her there… in the end I cave in as if to say “what the hell” and get her out. An interesting conversation ensues:

Her: Thanks for saving me
Me: It’s okay, who hurt you?
Her: He’s gone now
Me: Why are they all gone?
Her: Did you notice when you walked through none of them demons bothered you?
Me: Yes
Her: Do you know why?
Me: Because I wasn’t afraid of them?
Her: Exactly. I was left because I wasn’t afraid of them anymore
Me: So why were you trapped in here?
Her: Because I got stuck

I notice Death appear at the end of the corridor again. I sense the girl is supposed to go to him. Suddenly she’s afraid now. I suggest we go to Death together, and we do.

Next moment we fall down and down and down… into another pitch black room that looks like…. a waiting room? There is kind of waiting room music and we go and sit on a waiting room couch which was brown leather. Next to us is another couch and a skeleton was sat there also waiting.

A door opens and a doctor steps out and calls us into her office. I ask why we’re there and where exactly are we. “This is ground zero, and phase one”, she explains as she does a medical checkup on the girl. “It looks like you’re healthy and cleared for phase two”. I ask her what phase two is. “Phase two is where those who find themselves here are sent hard to work on the next level up”. I feel hesitant but the girl seems eager to work, saying it’s better than where she came from at least.

I ask the doctor where this is all going and we get in an elevator and go up and up until we’re looking down upon all the levels. “This is how one ascends through the consciousness ladder when they transition from death once again to the living”. Someone comes to take the girl away to begin her work back down on the second floor and next thing I remember I am back in the first pitch black room with Death again.

Death tells me, “this has been your journey of going down, up till now. But now is your journey of going up. You are going up now, and I am here with you”. I sit with Death for a moment and know I know him. He hands me some sunglasses before I leave, telling me they may help me see clearer whilst blocking out the light if it becomes too bright for me.

Then he brings me back to my body because I’m tired.

I draw a tarot card and it’s the Ace of Wands. I drew a tarot card before the journey and it was the Knight of Cups.

06/10/2020: Energy genetics

A series of realisations…

First being taken back to my conception and re-experiencing the selfishness of my mother’s decision to have me.

Then last night I was chatting to a friend who made me remember what my father said – how he broke up with my mother because she believed Catholics were demon possessed – but how I wasn’t even born yet at that point and she was already considering my potential possession, and the effects that would imprinted on me in the womb.

Then as I was out walking this morning I realised how the words ‘energetically’ and ‘genetically’ have the same letters rearranged…. the same words.

And I was thinking on my current facing complexes within my psyche, demonic ones and alters, Asmodeus and now Beelzebub.

Suddenly it hit me. These alters…. don’t just come out of nowhere. They were handed down to me energetically from her, through her projections and imprints onto me, right from the womb.

And then… the fact that it’s not just energetically but literally genetically too because right from the womb my DNA was being imprinted with her own undealt with psychological complexes. That’s scientifically a thing (epigenetics).

So literally, what I am dealing with right now is her shit, her psychological, epigenetic, energetic – undealt with, narcissistic traumatic shit, way down the ancestral line.

I’m still dealing with my conception!

What’s the answer? I need to cut it off from me. I literally need to cut off her projections from me energetically and hence genetically from me, right from the time I was conceived. I need to cut the line, the cord, right from the beginning, right from day one.

And I realise as an egg I existed within her ever since she was born too, in her mother’s womb… but I think that’s going a but far and isn’t my current focus.

I think now I know what I’ll do on the waning/dark moon as I was considering doing something. And funnily enough the dark/new moon will be in Scorpio this month (I think, it’s a blue moon so I will need to check that, but it should still be).

I need to cut my ties from her from birth. I need to completely and utterly separate myself from her for my healing.

03/10/2020: Asmodeus

I thought he just wanted to hurt me, especially sexually, to rape me.

I was way off the mark.

When he asks, “do you accept me”, in a sexual context… The question is not sexual! It’s not “do you accept me to rape you” (aka do you give you consent for me to hurt you)… it’s “do you accept me as an integral part of your psyche so I can be loved and healed and integrated”.


Okay. I did consider it before, but I didn’t ‘know’, I didn’t have the realisation like I did just now (I’m high).

So, this time I replied, “yes, I accept you, I accept all of you… I don’t know what this means or how it will change things, but now I absolutely accept you”.

This is cannabis + full moon in Aries healing energy 🌕🌲