Mid-Jan Update: Switching Website Servers and Health Troubles: Nearly Dying for the Nth Time and Resulting Mental Health Upset and Spiritual Confusion, But the Gods Have my Back

My Public Journal

Good evening to my followers. I should start out by mentioning that I’m changing servers. I was on a dedicated host but it was costing me a fortune – to be fair when I signed up originally I didn’t realise it was on sale and that the full price the year after was much more (nearly £250). But back then I didn’t have bills to pay, so I kept the server. But now, unfortunately, or fortunately depending on the point of view, I do have bills to pay, so therefore cannot afford to continue paying that price just for a website. So I have been in the process of transferring my site over to a much less expensive WordPress site, which doesn’t quite lend the creative freedom I am used to (and am disappointed to learn I can’t use the professional theme I actually previously bought, on a non-professional plan), but oh well, it’s the ‘price’ of saving money, lol. So in case there are any glitches with the switch over, that is why, and I also hope all my awesome followers continue to receive email notifications when I update.

I just thought I’d get that out of the way, in case anyone wonders why I haven’t been updating in a while. I’ve gotten used to updating little notes rather than huge journal entries like this one will be, and it feels comfortable and maybe preferable. But there is still a purpose for these great long journal entries!

I will just say that I have no idea what my last journal entry was about. I assume it was before I ended up in hospital, because since then I’ve been too ill to do much like write a huge journal entry. That said, I’m starting to come round. For those that don’t follow me on Twitter, I will recap the events:

I was making some cannabis oil (attempt number #2) when I suddenly lost consciousness, and kept coming round and losing consciousness every few seconds. This has happened to me once before, a couple of years ago when I had also used cannabis (but before I grew it myself), but I didn’t come to any conclusion as to what had occurred. This second time round I assumed it was because I’d been on the phone to Graeme (my ex [before I learned I am actually a lesbian] and probably the only healthy influence in my entire life) catching up after two years of silence and becoming friends again, which maybe caused some kind of strange dissociative seizure in response. However, a dissociative seizure doesn’t last two whole days. I was taken to hospital under assumption it was an adrenal crisis, with the end verdict being that the adrenal crisis was secondary to whatever else was going on, which they assumed was stress. However, they probably saved my life with all that cortisol and saline fluid, and monitoring me overnight. What I only just learned is that amitriptyline can be extremely dangerous taken with cannabis due to the effects on the heart (noted by my tachycardia of 170bpm), which can cause myocardial infarction (fancy speak for heart attack) and stroke. So basically, I’d had a deadly drug interaction.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t look this up beforehand – I came to remember that I did, but didn’t pay any attention to it, LOL. After all, you’re not supposed to drink alcohol with amitriptyline anyway, but I do. My doctor said it was fine in small quantities. And I believe with the cannabis it’s fine in small quantities (specifically the THC), but that week leading up to being taken to hospital I had been vaping heavily due to myofascial pain preventing me from sleeping, and I believe that day I’d accidentally inhaled a lot of activated cannabis every time I opened the oven to check on the decarbing to make the oil. It’d gotten to the point I had so much THC in my system… all hell broke loose, and my liver couldn’t process both cannabis and amitriptyline simultaneously because they require the same enzymes… and the rest is history. I also believe it depends on personal physiology too. I’ve never had this with alcohol, and I’ve certainly been drunk a couple of times (only a couple, lol! Thanks gastritis for that). And some people are completely fine with amitriptyline and cannabis together. Then again, they may not accidentally overdose like I seem prone to.

However, after that happening twice now (the first time I had also accidentally overdosed on cannabis) and due to the danger and risk, I have learned my lesson and am never doing it (taking cannabis/THC) again. I cannot get off the amitriptyline – I have tried, and I was doing well up until the hospital incidence, but now I’m back to square one with the drug interaction having completely thrown my body’s balance off. I’ve had so many strange symptoms and health complaints since, and have had to go back up on amitriptyline as a result, which is helping.

So that leaves me with the question of what to do with all this cannabis I am currently growing?! Well, thankfully, I found someone who will be willing to buy it all, which will certainly make up for all the expensive growing equipment I invested in. After that I’m going to grow pure hemp or basically what are CBD strains of cannabis. I have ordered Charlotte’s Web which is a medical strain and has less that 0.3% THC in, which shouldn’t be nearly enough to trigger a drug interaction, even over time with it building up in my system. If I can find any strains with even less THC than that, it will be ideal. I still go through a lot of CBD oil, needing the minimum of 10% (1000mg) which is about £60 per 30ml bottle… very expensive! So I can grow my own. So I will still be growing cannabis… just the CBD version! It is a potent, wonderful medicine, either way.

However, the emotional effects of my being taken to hospital I feel were much more devastating to me, especially right before Christmas and the New Year. I cannot explain just how alone I felt, especially when my sister did not come over on the night I was being taken to hospital, even after the paramedics called her. Because of my belief it was dissociative she assumed I was fine, and not actually probably dying. Having mental health illness – sometimes you do end up going into hospital feeling like you’re dying but it’s just an anxiety attack or psychosis – she is used to that from me in the past, unfortunately. Which made me question myself and realise I have to take myself much more seriously, because if I had, she may have done too. Regardless, she wasn’t there for me, she offered no help at all during or after I was discharged, and I was left absolutely exhausted and bedbound for a good week or two and having to look after my dog (my one friend in this village who takes my dog out on the weekends came for her and looked after her whilst I was in hospital).

Suffice to say – I was just extremely depressed as a result of all that. Completely alone, no family there for me, no friends beside the one who took my dog overnight (I am very grateful for that though!), and extremely weak and drained mentally and physically. And THEN I had to deal with Christmas! Let’s just say when you have PTSD, holidays are not fun. You remember all the previous years that were a shit show. And this was my first Christmas completely alone since I’d cut off my mother and in the process the entire rest of my maternal family. My father as usual did not contact me. I could be dead for all he knows and I doubt he’d care that much. Everything just… felt so dark, after so much progress healing, and it just sent my entire faith into crisis. The gods were there for me sure but… I started dissociating badly and my good old friend psychosis started to return. To be honest, looking back, psychosis had been there flirting with me on and off the past few months since I lowered my amitriptyline dose anyway, and I was aware of that at the time (I am always highly cautious of it, because psychosis is not fun), but I think by the turn of January I was just fed up and was like, “that’s it, I’m dumping spirituality”.

I’ve been reassessing my faith a lot. What I came to realise is that I have an atheist alter who has always appeared during times of psychosis in order to protect me from getting wrapped up in the imagery and hallucinations disguised as visions. It’s both a gift and a curse being a ‘seer’, because you never know what you’re gonna get, and I had been reassessing my beliefs a lot. Like for example the fact that my propensity to see things (visions, hallucinations) comes from my highly religious mother with clearly undealt with mental health illness who basically taught me through example to fear them and use obsessive devotion to stave them off. So I had been asking myself, am I just on some level copying her out of a malformed trauma response? A handed down coping mechanism? Did I take that obsessive devotion and shift it from Christianity to Paganism and call it a day thinking I was different from her and had really changed and healed? How could I trust the gods were real in that case? And like many of my alters created to protect me from her, my atheist alter was asking these questions of me also in attempt to protect me against continuing that cycle of toxic faith, in whatever its form…

But… too many coincidences have happened where I believe the gods have been doing their upmost best (for some reason, I honestly never know why they are so good to me, I am honestly just a no one) to get some sense into me, and despite the pain, through it all (not as a result of, let me make that clear) been showing me so many new things I never knew and saw before. For example, I’d never have known what landed me in hospital was a drug interaction unless someone had offhandedly inquired, “maybe it was a drug interaction”, which I thought was silly… until I looked it up, and it all made sense and brought me back to my centre. Or, I’d never have learned that there is actually scientific evidence consciousness exists beyond the brain somehow, even if it’s not understood, unless a random Netflix documentary was presented to me which usually I’d have no interest in (‘Surviving Death’,). As if the gods were trying to nudge me in the right direction, after I’d made up my mind again (or the atheist alter had) that I was totally done with it all again and everything was just down to my mental and physical health. OR! I’d never have learned I actually have undiagnosed inattentive ADHD??? This is absolutely massive. It explains so much of my struggles in moving forward in my life. Or I’d never have seen the doctor about my nerve pain, which turns out is actually myofascial pain syndrome which I was working on previously and got a real professional opinion on (not really a diagnosis, but close enough). I’d also never have upped my amitriptyline again, being too stubborn for it, unless the gods explicitly made me aware that they are not science deniers and that I actually need the medicine to be physiologically balanced and thereby able to be more receptive to them (fancy that, when the rest of the spiritual community seems to think that such necessary medicines make you less receptive) and thereby was causing my own feelings of detachment from them.

And I’d never have learned I have an atheist alter protecting me, but also spiritual alters whom I identify with but who aren’t actually me (this was made clear when I sat down at my altar intending to make an awkward speech to the gods about how I’m not sure I believe anymore but then what happened instead was the usual self-assured rituals, my mouth and body working apart from my own thoughts and goals). I have always known I have very spiritual alters, but this was the first time I really noticed them as separate to my own identity. So, suddenly, I am aware of this dynamic going on in me, and the fact both alters were already happily mediating their differences without my help. But it always helps to be made consciously aware.

Basically what I am saying is that, despite the dire circumstances I’ve felt to be in lately, it just seems like the gods are there, reminding me of their much greater view point and informed and educated opinion and trying to lead me towards that. And honestly, like I said, I don’t even know why they do… I have such low self-esteem, I struggle to believe they really care for me, but their actions prove it, especially during a time where I’ve had absolutely no one to show me through actions their love. The gods have been doing it for me in their own way best they can instead. And honestly, I don’t know what to say, other than thank you…

This is probably not the end of the mental struggle for me, but I also came to realise something else extremely important in regards to my sexual dysfunction and trauma and it seems to have shifted something massive since. In essence, sexual activity is one of the most intimate and loving practices one can engage in. But, I have this alter called ‘the Monster’ who is the absolute embodiment of self-hatred, and for years I honestly feared I was possessed due to him (thanks mother for the religious abuse that made me believe that). But funnily enough, through the appearance of Kylo Ren as an alter and manifestation of this angry sub system (the guy is full of self-hatred, if it’s not obvious!) I came to identify that self-hatred has actually been the problem, and it’s so intense it has often felt like it will kill me if it ‘gets out’. And yet, funnily enough all that rage makes one extremely exhausted (parallels with my chronic fatigue?) that the Monster is usually sleeping, lol! So he can’t really do much damage. Not until he wakes up and decides to let all hell loose. And what I didn’t realise is that my habitual dissociating during ‘me time’ was an attempt of my system to prevent him from waking up, because of course during a moment requiring so much self-love, he would rise, triggered, to make sure that doesn’t happen.

“Darkness rises, and light to meet it”

– Star Wars, The Last Jedi

I am very good at self-care and self-love, I’ve had many years to develop the practice, because no one else has loved me and I’ve had to do it all myself, lol. But this is on a very deep unconscious level, which is now coming to light. And as a result… the dissociation and self-hatred during those ‘me time’ moments seem to have just vanished. The angry sexual alters are no longer hurting me or the body, and I seem to be feeling much more physical sensation (this was a problem, I couldn’t feel anything physically unless it was extreme to the point of hurting myself… it’s not a good way to relieve yourself of stress, more like create more stress).

I grew up in such a sexually repressed household, religiously abused and demonised, homophobic environment… and that’s on top of possible sexual abuse that I don’t consciously remember but my body seemed to react to as if it was really happening, 25 years later.

In essence… goodness, I have felt so down and depressed, but through it have learned so much thanks to the gods continuing to pester me through their love (very grateful for it) despite my doubt and confusion.

Writing all this, I feel somehow clearer, and I wrote tonight specifically because I felt all the pieces come together in my mind and wanted to get them down before they vanish.

I’ve been through too much pain, and my body is punishing me for trauma I never deserved. I don’t know if it will ever recover, these are literally physiological scars that will always be with me, leaving me perhaps physically impaired for the rest of my days compared to able people. And that too is depressing…

But I am nothing if not a warrior, a fighter, a survivor. I have myself, I have the gods… and I have all the wonderful people and friends I’ve met and made on the internet lately, who are godsends. Even though I have nearly no one in real life… I have never felt more supported than I do now.

So I want to thank each and everyone of you who have read this, and lend me strength and support, either indirectly or directly.

I also want to end this by thanking Selene and Nyx. Two goddesses who have been my biggest supporters during these dark times. The goddesses of darkness themselves.

May you all be blessed 🙏

2021 My Year Ahead Lunar Spread

My Private Notes

Year card
Seven of discs
Hard work, realising the effort is worth it, focusing on my goals, dedication.
Connection with the earth, material realm, and practical matters. Building material safety and security.

First moon
Three of discs
Building foundations, structures that will aid my spirituality down the line. Day to day hard work. Putting the effort in. Karma yoga comes to mind. Doing chores and tasks that build me up. Creating my house of worship. (Re)Creating my inner mind palace as a sacred place. Focus on my Self.
The mundane of spirituality. Back to basics. Building myself up.

Second moon
Queen of discs
Greed, wealth, holding onto things, possession of material matters, hoarding. Perhaps having to learn to let go. Or perhaps realising my own security. Realising my wealth, realising how rich I am really. Learning to put people over objects.

Third moon
Page of cups
Quirky new enterprise, creative success, accomplishing new ideas… planning for possibilities. Emotionally-driven, elation. Possible romance, or flirtation with a new avenue of exploration. Dreaming, falling in love.

Fourth moon
Six of wands
Victory, success, crowning achievement, being seen, being heard, having others be proud of me and feeling proud of myself. Being commended on a job well done.

Fifth moon
Time to reevaluate, questioning my own choices, balancing my own inner life with outer life. Possible change in life circumstances due to coronavirus starting to pass… having to find a new normal. Looking back and asking if I’ve accomplished all the healing I wanted to during this time of reflection.

Sixth moon
Ace of wands
Something new. Mysterious, vague. Beginning of a new life. Spiritual healing. Renewed vigour for life. Excitement, boasting, healthy pride. Starting anew. Lofty ideas.

Annual solar eclipse
Queen of cups
Taking stock of my emotional situation. Holding the lessons closely in my heart. Owning the lessons, owning my emotions, owning my dreams. Knowing my dreams and seeing them tangibly. Vision and foresight of the future.

Seventh moon
Eight of wands
Unexpected circumstances, perhaps a traumatic experience, something frightening, something that causes me to freeze. No real harm will come to me. Something psychologically jarring, that feels like a threat.

Eighth moon
The hanged man
Seeing life from a new perspective. Being disconnected and detached from the world, going inside myself or seeing the outside world through a new internal lens. Spiritual illumination. Revelation and sudden enlightenment. Healing through paradigm shift. Possible sudden change in my life, causing me to rethink and reframe my understanding. 180 degree change. Leaving bad habits in the past, leaving the fear and trauma of the eight of wands in the past. Letting go.

Ninth moon
Page of wands
Contemplating the way ahead. Confident and moving forward gallantly, continuing my journey towards my destination and goal, my ‘fate’. Musing on how far I’ve come, but not looking back.

Tenth moon
Three of cups
Happiness, integration, good mental health, good circumstantial situation, everything is in harmony and flow. The goddess is with me. I am the living goddess.

Eleventh moon
The high priestess
Stepping into my soul role, embracing duality, moment of truth, initiation, coming full circle in wisdom. Wisdom, learned wisdom. Learned lessons. Balanced karma. End of a cycle. Beginning of a new cycle.
Wholeness of soul. Integration.

Twelfth moon
Ten of cups
Family, friends, family I’ve made for myself, happiness love and joy, emotional achievement… no longer alone. Found my soul tribe… loved and loving. Healed of loneliness.

26/12/20: Prayer to the gods

My Private Notes

For healing as a Christmas Day blessing, heartfelt and raw

Answered with: Page of Cups
Prayer has been heard, and will be answered. Prayer is appreciated.

I have been learning something new about myself that I must get down. It’s kind of been a series of realisations highlighted by a specific one last night.

I have self-hatred, a lot of it. This manifests in many ways. Homicidal fantasies are how it manifests when projected outwards. This is, internalised narcissism, at the root of which is shame and hatred of the self. Turned inward it is suicidal ideation.

However, how I know it to be within me, is he who is called ‘the monster’.

I have many alters that reflect his dysfunction. Perhaps a system of alters in their own right. James, the wayward knight. Asmodeus, the devil of rage and lust. Kylo Ren, a dark Jedi.

Evil. They would all kill. In fact, they are all murderers. But internalised. James is, some kind of ‘past life’, a warrior. Asmodeus is a spiritual devil. Kylo is a fictive dark Jedi. Projected outwards, they would have me become the very evil I so hate. But they, despite all illusion of aforementioned homicidal fantasy, are not. They are projected inwards.

I run away with my thoughts. The point is – This is the evil, the darkness within me, that wants only death and destruction. It would be satisfied only when my own self-destruction became immanent. And despite that, mostly it sleeps. For that energy is too bound up to be of any use in such a form. It sleeps. He sleeps. Death sleeps. The monster in me sleeps.

So many times I’ve fought against it. He raises his ugly head, in whatever form, and I have fought. I have fought tooth and nail, I have fought until there’s nothing left within me, only more exhaustion and more necessity for slumber of the rage. I have fought, even by embracing the darkness, by attempting to identify with it, to identify it, I have fought. By identifying with the darkness, there is the strange sense unable to be expressed clearly here into words that I am still rather resisting the message within it.

But I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to resist. I must let the darkness be, without identifying, without banishing in fear alluded as misguided strength. It is not strength to push it away, it is strength to let it be, without becoming wrapped up in it, this I know to be a truth. I must feel, and breathe…. and let go of the stories of identification, for only that way can I let go of the resistance, of the need to fight, and instead embrace the hatred and rage, the monster within, with selfless compassion.

Let the rage just be. I am not going anywhere (hopefully not any time soon, despite the monster’s need). And so through this I learn hatred is just an innate part of me, due to what I have been through, and I seek not to change it in any way, neither through the act of identification which would change it’s very nature and corrupt the darkness itself… darkness fighting within itself becomes further darkness, and I am tired. Let the darkness just be. Maybe it doesn’t even need to sleep, if it’s not exhausted from fighting itself and it’s own self-identification anymore.

Regardless. The hatred is there. And the hatred fights against my own self-compassion, my own self love.

Asmodeus. He is the devil of rage and of lust. It is curious how violence brings forth lust, no? In my imaginations, my own violent acts cause arousal. I see it time and again on tv. Men for millennia have oppressed women through their sexuality due to violence. There is an innate connection between the two.

Why else does BDSM exist?

It’s said that the same part of the brain processes both love and hate, therefore the two can become confused with one another. Such primitive biological and instinctual need, the two, necessary for survival both. Where there is one, there is another. And so it is within me. Love and hate, lust and rage mingle until there’s only a twisted picture of what was, the reality of my emotion.

This is the darkness, my darkness. And this is most keenly experienced during masturbation, it is exactly why I’ve had so many troubles with the act and yet – have not even understood it. Until now.

I dissociate, so as not to feel that fight, between self-love and self-hate, that arises when attempting such an act. Of course it could be said the same within intimate relations too, except I am solitary and have been for a while, and my previous attempts at intimacy have been failures, likely due to all this.

There was no love in my childhood. And there was a lot of internalised shame and self-hatred. Regardless of any founded truth of sexual abuse in my early childhood which will forever remain unknown, it suddenly dawned upon me last night when attempting again to masturbate how such an act of literally loving oneself, perhaps the most intimate, could become the doorway to such self-hatred.

This is why instinctively I dissociate during sex or masturbation, and always have. The rage within me is triggered, and is too much to be handled. Alters arise to compartmentalise. Some of those alters are actively traumatised by others of those alters actively seeking to traumatise. In attempt no doubt to self-protect, this is all it is.

Why else is it that when I attempt to feel genuine self-love in pleasure, I feel nothing, I feel numb? And the only time I can feel something is when my body is abused – either at my own hands or as in the past at times, directly or indirectly at the hands of others?

The answer is this: Love and hate are too entwined for me. Of course, knowing this makes it a potential strength. Such knowledge can be used in healing, as can any knowledge such as the realisation which dawned upon me which I am now sharing.

When I attempt to self-love in any manner, self-hate will automatically rise to meet it. And that is the journey of healing for me really, acknowledging it compassionately, and thus doing it a service.

I don’t really know how to end this floury of fancy words. But one thing to me is clear to me now, no, two things in one:

Self-hatred is an innate part of me. And, that arises when I attempt self-love.

But the answer? Breathe through it. That is all I have to do. Be present with the darkness, as it meets the light.

And presence is the knowledge of the process.

13/12/2020: Diary

My Private Notes

The nights have been difficult. I struggle greatly to sleep, more so especially since my trip to the hospital. There is something about my pain which is worse these days, and I don’t know if it’s due to finally feeling the effects of coming down the amitriptyline just 10mg a few months ago or whether it’s me finally feeling the pain that had always been there but numbed due to – emotional trauma? Hard to say. How can you not feel such chronic physical pain? And yet I know it’s always been there, otherwise I wouldn’t have needed the amitriptyline this whole time to sleep in the first place. Maybe it’s a mixture of reducing the dose and finally becoming un-numb physically, but it’s painful. My nerves, especially all along my upper back, feel like they are stinging and burning. My thin bralette feels like pins and needs against the skin. I wonder if I have Fibro. The pain is excruciating. I wonder if the night I went to hospital was because I tried to use my shiatsu massager earlier that week to massage out those ‘knots’, and almost made myself sick in the process by accidentally overdoing it. Maybe I overloaded my lymph system draining years of toxins. But that wouldn’t explain the losing consciousness. Regardless, I’m afraid for now of using the massager on my back again. It did help at the time, but now it feels worse than ever. I’m trying to think of it as a minor setback and nothing more.

Furthermore, the emotions when I lay down… I did not realise until last night that as soon as the blindfold goes on and the earplugs go in, I fall into a dissociative state, and an emotional personality comes to the surface. I did not realise until I noticed the sudden switch between highly emotional and then completely fine again. The sudden switch between absolute emotional distress with tears that could drown a river and then a silent, present, peaceful mind, as if none of that had ever passed. And yet – due to the current fragility of my body I do not feel strong enough to feel the emotions of these EP’s. I thought back to the times I had dealt with this before, many years back, and realised the best thing I ever did was comfort these parts, rather than let them get washed away in the emotion. For some reason, this emotion is extremely ‘charged’ as my therapist would call it, even though a lot of these feelings are new and triggered by my hospital trip, I feel like they’ve been there a long time otherwise and only now triggered and manifesting. And so, rather than risk my body falling back into another medical crisis due to the stress of the emotion, I attempted to de-charge it in my own way – I should’ve used EDMR though I told myself I would if my own attempt failed – and I told the EP at that time I couldn’t feel that emotion but I was sorry for it and it could hold my hand and be with me. I then put on a soothing bedtime story for adults – it took a while, but slowly, slowly, I drifted off peacefully. The emotional charge was gone, without meds. In the end, I realised this EP and other EP‘s like it, just need to feel safe, and secure, and loved, and that’s the best I could do, since I know listening to audiobooks makes me fall asleep. I may have to do this a few times, so that this EP feels safe enough on its own again. This is what happened to my previous EP’s in this state. So I am using the tried and true method, and as a result feel like finally something is starting to make sense, that I’m starting to make progress here. I hope my sleep will return to normal. But alas – I will have to do this again if I do get through this and lower the amitriptyline dose another 10mg. It is the way it is. But I must believe in myself, and I must be aware of what is going on, which now I do, whereas before I was just tossing and turning at night with random crying spells and physical pain I couldn’t pinpoint in confusion and agony.

Is the physical pain and emotional pain connected? I honestly am of two minds. Yes, because they seem to have arisen at the same time in the course of events, and this morning my physical pain is not quite as bad after dealing with it as such. And no because that would be too simple. And this pain is clearly nerve pain that I should get checked out by a doctor. However, I am at the point where I am embarrassed to see the doctor any further, I know I should, but I feel like they are just tired of me, as if I am just a hypochondriac. I know it’s my health, but they don’t take it as seriously as they should. Besides, I am still getting this loss of consciousness checked out.

I will get the loss of consciousness checked out first. Besides that, I will monitor this physical pain and consider Fibro informally, but get it checked out if it doesn’t fade from the emotional healing or if it gets worse. For now, it may just be ‘charged’.

29/11/2020: Memory

My Private Notes

Trigger warning: Graphic descriptions of childhood violence below

Memories arise on their own, there’s nothing we can do to trigger them purposely. Months now focusing on releasing my ‘sciatica’, on working on this back pain, and all of a sudden memories come to the surface, ones I tried to not think about but it’s clear they are trauma flashbacks related to the physical pain and must be relieved to release and move on.

To be honest, after everything I’ve been through it’s not even a big deal to my conscious mind, and it’s not like plenty of other children have probably gone through this, but regardless, the emotional brain doesn’t listen to logic or cultural popularity (even if such a practice is wrong).

All this time I considered my ‘sciatica’ was a result of being forcibly isolated all my life, sat down 24/7 between four walls for 27 years and not able to use my back muscles much, plus all the stress and tension of what I was going through emotionally being channeled into them during that state, eventually habitually. But the ‘pain body’ as Tolle would probably put it says a different story, more personal, more painful, and now I am thinking about it, I have the sense of deja vu like an alter has considered this before but kept it from me – perhaps they are the memory holder and I am again tapping into it.

Enough of the suspense. Growing up I was smacked with the belt. Again, it seems relatively harmless, there are plenty of other children who were probably whipped or caned or hit, it used to be normal before the recent generation/s. And it’s not like I was ever violently and impulsively between up like my brother was in front of my eyes so many times. No – mine was always calculated, always expected, always pre-warned. I knew when I was going to be punished, when I was going to get the belt. It was very methodical, I was taken to the parent’s room, where I’d then pull down my trousers, and then would come the smack, one or two, or a few, depending on the severity. That particular form of punishment lasted until I was 6 years old, of course there’s nothing a 6 year old could do to warrant having blistering welts on their back and bottom from a leather belt forcibly ripped across their delicate skin. And I remember the last time it happened, I was told I had a choice between facing the wall for an hour or getting the belt and having the punishment over with. I chose the belt. A bold and courageous choice by a 6 year old, that makes me wonder with amazement. Wouldn’t any other 6 year old face the wall for an hour? I don’t know. Regardless. I actually remember getting a few hits for that one, though I don’t even remember what I apparently did that was so bad to deserve it. But afterwards I remember getting a shower and seeing the red marks all across my bottom and lower back, and not being able to sit without pain for a few days. How does any 6 year old deserve that? Regardless, I guess in my mind it’s always felt rather normal and lesser of all the evils I went through. Not like that time my brother was whipped with a fucking bamboo cane about 50 times out of pure impulsive violence at about 10 years old. Who the hell does that to their child? Or the time he was beaten half dead in his bedroom, cornered like a frightened animal being ripped apart, unable to escape? My brother became a body builder growing up, to prevent ever being hurt that way again.

Me on the other hand? My body has weakened… more of what I went through was psychological, and religious, compared to my siblings. The exorcisms… nothing of course to do with getting the belt at 6 years old. Or was it? I will probably never remember if there was a connection. The obsession and focus on demonic possession was always there from the time those parents got married on my 3rd birthday. But that’s a whole other story.

So. Being hit by the belt, in a methodical method, in my mind shouldn’t have much at all to do with sciatica, all things considered, but logically speaking it makes a lot of sense. And emotionally speaking, I can’t help the flashbacks of pain these days when I am focusing on relaxing my lower back, butt, and hip muscles.

Besides, plenty of people have sciatica/lower back pain. Even my brother, despite his body building, he couldn’t walk at one point for sciatica, just like me. I suppose there could be a link after all, between being belted/caned/whipped, and lower back problems.

My body certainly thinks so.

Sin, She Stirs

My Poetry

Chaos. Solace. Amusement. Murder. Justice. Transformation.

Sextet transcribed water-coloured pastel portrait.

I must be going through the motions
Putrid in the depths of my mind

Reminiscing sevenfold vengeance
Musing will-o’-the-wisps passing as infatuation,
Vomit surges.

Veritable essence,
“When you gaze long into an abyss,
The abyss gazes also into you”

And all are insignificant pinpricks of galaxies and revolving stars
Penetrating the darkness,

The serpent stirs.

21/11/2020: Meditation throat spasms

My Private Notes

Last night I couldn’t sleep, it’s like most nights lately, I’m having a resumption of C-PTSD symptoms, the way I was after the exorcism. I think this is a natural consequence of coming off more medicines recently. I’m only on 22.5mg of HC, 0.05mg of FC, and 20mg of amitriptyline. I have been on my period so my body and its woes is just way more active at this time, body and mind both, but I feel like this is another layer of C-PTSD I need to deal with and it’s been such a long time and I feel a bit at a loss how to do so, but I know I do need to do so somehow.

Last night I just ended up taking CBD oil and paracetamol together which worked as an instant calm down, but this morning meditating I had the same issue. Firstly it feels like my whole body is just switched on as if it’s in the middle of a fight, of course there is no fight anymore so I need to figure out a way of letting my body know that I’m safe now, to really know and feel that, so it can stop feeling like it needs to be fighting. Secondly, now I don’t know if this happened before my gastroscopy but I imagine it was there anyway due to my history with the fear of choking, but I’ve noticed what I can only call ‘laryngeal spasms’. As I said I’ve been on my period so everything has been heightened anyway which can be a good thing for this kind of work, as horrible as it can be. But yeah my larynx spasms very badly wanting to swallow to prevent me choking on my own saliva which of course makes no sense. I’ve had this problem since right after the exorcism though and it’s returned again after a long period of dormancy. I suspect it’s trauma not actually being physically strangled (which only happened almost once) but rather when it does happen my mind goes back to all the times I wanted to speak or to cry or vocally express my thoughts and feelings in any way and to hold it back, had to ‘choke back the tears’ so to speak, and that caused physical pain and trigger point (feels like a trigger point honestly but not sure how I’m gonna get in there without actually strangling myself accidentally lol) and this resultant pain and C-PTSD amplified by the craziness of that exorcism. It could be the same with the rape memories, but for now I am going along with the rape memories being real because Asmodeus tried so very hard to keep that from me, and since approaching that as real things have been better.

I suppose in the end it doesn’t matter what actually happened, but it matters what felt like happened (rape, choking), because it’s always based in something and if I can deal with the feelings regardless of their reality then I can let it go and return that part of me to the present reality.

Healing, Healing, Healing

My Public Journal

I realised the other day I haven’t updated my journal since July! I usually try to write one for each festival of the wheel of the year, but I think I’ve been slacking off lately, haha. But as usual so much has happened, I’m not even sure where to begin recounting.

I read back through my previous journal and see a lot was in relation to gender and sexual identity, to be honest, not much has changed but I’ve taken the process of questioning internally since I realised I don’t need any external validation for it. As a result I feel I have come to a quiet place of self-acceptance with it all, even though I don’t have a label for any of it. Having some kind of one word label just for others is a bit boring now I think of it. Sexuality and gender are complex and messy and not always binary or linear. And certainly with new revelations that have come to light through some freaking intense shadow work where I went to a very hellish place for a good month or so around September and by the end of it all learned or rather remembered I really was raped as a young child and am amnesiac of that fact and then had to relive the trauma of that…. for the second time because I didn’t believe it the first time round, and then came to learn Asmodeus is not my persecutor but in fact my protector to make sure I don’t remember or at least believe any of it really happened…. yeah.

I have a lot of rage and pain deep within me that I’m finally unearthing now I have the freedom and space to do so living alone away from continuing psychological and religious abuse. To be honest, I haven’t really had much choice anyway thanks to covid and lockdown and being basically in self-isolation since March because I’m classed as vulnerable with my Addison’s disease (a diagnosis I STILL question the validity of… more on that later). But with the help of psychotherapy via Zoom and meditation and studying further into healing practices such as Myofascial Trigger Point Therapy I have been really releasing a lot of it, and I am starting to feel like an entirely new person.

Basically what I have learned through this entire process is just how disconnected my mind is from my body, and in a sense I am able to see my own mind clearer (funnily because it takes the mind to visualise something, no? Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am”, comes to mind) and I find myself in awe at just how extensive my mental world is. I certainly don’t think all of that mental activity is meant to interface with the body, but for sure there is so much disconnection and dissociation from the body, and the process of repairing that has been happening for me these past few months. And in that process emotions must be felt, and they must be felt within the body as the chronic pain which has been plaguing me for years. This chronic pain turns out to have crystallised as hard inflamed knots within the muscles known as myofascial points, you know… the hard knots you feel being worked during a massage, those same ones! And I have been working on physically deactivating them and releasing the associated unprocessed traumatic memories and emotions held within them.

If there is one major lesson I have learned from all this learning to be present with my body, it’s that I have not been present with it because the accumulated physical pain is just too intense for me, the physical pain triggered by all the emotional pain and traumas I went through. But now I am learning to be present with it, I see the pain was never some kind of condition or disorder or whatever the doctors have diagnosed me with. Through being present with it and working to relax and release that physical tension in and around the muscles and myofascia, my chronic migraine frequency has reduced to 25%, my sciatica is no longer a problem, and idiopathic hypersomnia? I do not remember the last time I needed to take a nap during the day. I am awake, alert, and more pain free than I’ve been in years, all without needing the strong painkillers I was on beforehand. Furthermore, I finally had a gastroscopy and it turns out there is nothing physically wrong with my stomach, and since learning that, the gastric pain has funnily also reduced to about 25% what it was. Not to say the gastric pain is not triggered by the use of steroids (the doctor considered it functional, which means basically sensitive with no medical explanation), but it seems a large part of that has also been stress and trauma-rooted.

On top of that, I have finally managed to reduce my steroid dose to lowest it’s been in years. I have come to realise my dose was always much higher than it should’ve been because my body was always stressed, essentially constantly in habitual fight or flight mode and always needing extra steroids than normal to get through the day as a result. Now I am releasing the stress my body does not need as much (which is also good news for my stomach). Which has me again asking the old question of: Do I really have Addison’s disease or is it just this mass of chronic physical stress with the steroids having a mild anti-inflammatory effect on the body? I don’t know if I’ll know either way. An MRI showed my adrenals to now be atrophied which means they are small and don’t work. If I really have Addison’s disease they truly will never work again because they are destroyed and all I can do is continue releasing my stress so I can maintain a nice low dose of steroids, however if I don’t have Addison’s disease I am not sure they would reawaken now (for those who don’t know how it works, taking steroids will cause your adrenals to stop working because they no longer need to provide the steroid themselves, and this causes secondary adrenal insufficiency in patients who are on long term steroid treatment, as opposed to Addison’s disease which is primary adrenal insufficiency and caused by the immune system attacking and killing the adrenal glands).

Either way, whilst I could have regrets in regards to treating myself with steroids and being dependent on them, I’m hoping for the best and having faith in the healing process and believe spirit is showing me further stops along the way necessary to fully embodying the healer. That quote in the bible always comes to mind: “healer, heal thyself”. I am the wounded healer, I was broken and shattered absolutely to learn to put myself back together so one day I can do the same for others. And hopefully that one day may be soon. I was hoping to start offering energy healing sessions at the beginning of the year after first moving out but it’s clear I needed to learn much more still. I feel that I shouldn’t let my mentality of “there’s still so much for me to learn” prevent me from healing when I’m already very skilled, but as it happens I don’t get to choose the timing, spirit does. So I am going with the flow, and hoping to figure it out by the beginning of spring 2021. I will say one thing about offering healing sessions though – I will not be charging extortionate prices. I know the value of my work, I also know that sick people are also usually poor. Otherwise they wouldn’t be sick (let’s face it, anyone can easily figure out that finances and health are largely entwined). It is an exchange of energy, but I’m not going to kill people in the process with my fees, lol. Honestly it blows my mind why anyone would need to charge more than £60 an hour for healing. I have seen some prices of ‘well known’ healers be up to £125 an hour. How is that justified? Well, I’m not them, so that’s not for me to figure out. But I’d imagine it’s unconsciously modelled upon the American healthcare system which charges you an arm and a leg for literally anything. An ambulance ride just to the actual hospital? You’re looking at a thousand dollars. Meanwhile healthcare in the UK is free (but it’s also not that good, lol, as is obvious by my own ‘diagnoses’ and lack of proper investigation into them, just given pills and told to go home).

Anyway I ramble. I feel that I’m very much the stereotypical Virgo who is basically the archetypical goddess of healing, and let’s not forget Hermes the ruler of Virgo who is the essentially the shaman who walks between worlds. That is who I am and am meant to embody in this life, the shamanic healer, especially with my Virgo sun residing in the twelfth house which is the realm of the unconscious and humanity as a collective. But there is a process and the need to be sensitive to flow and timing.

I have also been growing my own cannabis and succeeded with my first harvest. Cannabis is definitely a fussy plant to grow that is for sure, but I enjoy it immensely, it is so rewarding. The cannabis plant has been vital actually in much of my healing these past few months, and the depths she’s taken me to in that process. Cannabis is a wonderful shamanic plant, and she gives you what you ask for. She’s been described by others as a ‘shadow worker’, she embodies darkness which if unhealed can manifest in depression and psychosis, but if worked with can bring the light of consciousness in. I feel like if I had the perfect world job it would be growing this medicine for people to sell, but where I am it is still illegal and I just grow for personal use which is not legal but not illegal either.

In fact for me cannabis is the world tree, her roots descend into darkness and her branches into light, and her leaves number seven which is that sacred number which correspond with many things but most notably for me the main energy centres within the body. The world tree after all being ultimately within us, that bridge between the three worlds, Cannabis opens the gates to that experience within the psyche and spirit.

I also find myself feeling similar lately about cocoa which is basically dark chocolate! It has also become a potent medicine for me.

What can I say but that everything, literally everything I do in my life is orientated towards healing, health, wellness, and wholeness. There is no other purpose for me. And that need to heal others may be reflective of my own needs, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do good with helping others who need it along the way, because I am a long time on this path now.

Another focus and area of healing for me that came out of all the intense shadow work I have been doing lately is the rearranging of my free time, of which I have much, but have historically wasted through mega procrastination as a form of escapism from reality. What this really means is that I came to learn I have an internet addiction, as the internet for a good decade kept me sane when living within an environment of familial abuse; It was my only freedom. But now I actually have true freedom, this internet procrastination is now a bad habit and I came to realise was preventing me from actualising myself. I realised I wanted to spend my time doing more creative things away from my smartphone, and so as a result ended up setting up my iPhone to lock me out in the mornings and evenings where I have no choice but to spend time focusing on me and what I really want to be doing.

It turns out the things I want to be doing are not-so-surprisingly spiritually focused. Of course, this is all part of my process of healing, of reconnecting with my spirit. I feel very strongly that in many past lives I was used to this kind of isolated, monastic lifestyle, and that’s where I find myself heading and retreating to kind of naturally. Of course, being in the middle of a pandemic where I have to self-isolate makes that kind of natural anyway as I can’t go out and see people, but I will savour this period whilst it lasts.

So now, much of my time is actively spent focused spiritually. I wake up and say good morning to the gods and my spirit allies, I pick a tarot card for the day to hone my intuition, I meditate for fifteen minutes, then I pick up a book and start reading and studying. The books are spiritual, occult, or healing based, and this routine in the mornings has the benefit of getting my brain working again after what feels like many years of unfortunate disuse due to abuse and resulting physical and mental health preventing it from working. Because if there’s one thing I’ve always done very naturally – it’s learn, study, and absorb information, and become an expert on whatever I set my sights upon. And now I have the freedom and have healed enough that my own body no longer prevents me, it’s time to become the spiritual ‘master’ I know is waiting within me.

I am learning, healing, changing and transforming gradually into the person I really am deep down, the person I’ve always been or always was in my spirit aside from all the abuse, through the support of my therapist and the integration of my trauma-based alters (not all alters within me being trauma-based, but part of my spiritual multidimensional self) and the support of my spirit allies who without I would not be where I am today.

But ultimately, in the end, I know it has always been my own incredible strength that has kept me going. I am a warrior. I was born on a Tuesday, don’t you know?! Mars rules my birthday! 😛

09/11/2020: Myofascial trigger point therapy self help session

My Private Notes

I have located three main trigger point pairs in my body causing three main ‘conditions’ I was diagnosed with over the years:

1. The first I came across without knowing they were trigger points were from guided meditation in therapy and then my mechanical shiatsu massage I used on my neck. This pair is at the point the back of the neck meets the shoulder, and these primarily cause my diagnosis of chronic migraine.

2. The second I came across first through yin yoga then through intuitively prodding still before realising they were trigger points are the pair on the outer edge of my gluteus medius (possibly actually the piriformis, the two muscles are very close together). Massaging these with my fingers for a few seconds would instantly relieve my diagnosis of ‘sciatica’.

3. The third I have found now through trigger point therapy are a pair or should I say two pairs on my brow bone, one pair on the inner brow bone and one pair on the outer brow bone, and these are responsible primarily for my diagnosis of ‘idiopathic hypersomnia’ and secondarily for migraine.

I do not have any of these conditions. I have myofascial pain syndrome brought about by C-PTSD, as the trigger point therapy at home is working. I wonder if it’s worth bringing this up to my doctor.

Furthermore, when I press on the points but ESPECIALLY the left outer gluteus medius (or piriformis) trigger point, my alters are activated along with all their physical dysfunctions i.e. the referred ‘pain map’, except in this case the referred pain activation is emotional and psychological as well as physical. I will bring this up with my therapist. The most important of all these being the left outer gluteus medius/piriformis trigger point which activates completely Asmodeus, who is my persecutor/protector for sexual abuse experienced in my amnesiac past. This means, yes, I am reliving the experience during the pressing of this point. It is perhaps important to note as a link that often when I press these gluteus medius/piriformis trigger points it can also feel extremely orgasmic, as my sexual anxiety as a result of the abuse is instantly relieved. So it is not always a terrible experience.

I do not know how long it takes to permanently deactivate these trigger points, if indeed that’s possible. Perhaps that is written about later on in the book I’m currently studying.

I do know however with all this deep emotional work happening as a result, my rose quartz massage wand I’ve been using is not enough and I need to get myself an obsidian massage wand.

One could say these are also stagnant or blocked energy points and channeling reiki into them has also helped.

I believe this is entirely the ancient Chinese practice of acupuncture summed up. The physical effect of the needles placed in the myofascial trigger points and the spiritual effect of energy channeled through the needles to unblock the corresponding subtle ‘chi’.

I am learning so much.

06/11/2020: Today’s card: Death

My Private Notes

I was surprised to receive this, but then realising that I’d been considering name changes very seriously last night and prayed about it this morning just before picking a card, this is what it must be referring to, my need and goal for total transformation by disconnecting myself – dying – to my mother, to everything she entails, to my old life and old me. So I take this as a positive sign, to continue going ahead, or at least even if not a sign, it confirms how I am feeling, and that only good can become of it, for after death of course is rebirth, or salvation, depending on your world view.