Day of the dead, autumnal migration
Golden maknae plays through the stereo;
Still with you.
Post time! First off I want to thank everyone who is subscribed to my blog and reads my posts. I was completely unaware until the other day that I have more than 2,000 subscribers. To call me surprised was an understatement! WordPress stats does not record email subscribers and only wordpress subscribers, therefore, being that I only have perhaps under ten wordpress subscribers I was under the impression no one really read my posts. But finding out that so many of you do in fact has made me feel guilty for not posting as much. Therefore here I am attempting to post sooner than I might’ve done to give everyone an update.
There are maybe a few things I want to touch on in this post but I think first of all I need an addendum to my previous post, where I was discussing my explorations with sexual orientation and gender identity. Some time has since passed and I’ve had more chance to understand what has been going on internally for me, especially in relation to transgender identity.
Firstly, I had mentioned how my dissociative disorder (which I now know to be OSDD or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder) makes thing inherently confusing for me as I wasn’t able to tell whether these feelings of gender deviation were really ‘me’, or the result of influence from other identities. It turned out in time to be in fact the latter. And the reason for this is a little complex but I will try my best to explain.
As some of you may know, I have written before about an alter called Asmodeus, who is the very caricature of the woes of the collective male species. Anything terrible you can think of personality-wise, he has. He’s mythologically considered a demon. However, in the sense of OSDD, I see him as a difficult persecutor who refuses psychological rehabilitation (the reasons for this are already being unearthed through the help of a new dissociative specialist therapist I have started working with).
So first off, Asmodeus upholds the patriarchy. He hates women, and believes they should be subjugated and abused. He’s a rapist as well as a paedophile, which has caused problems with other more vulnerable alters inside (including Lilith who is now breaking out of it, but perhaps that’s a post for another day), as well as myself (when he fronts and forcibly pushes me backseat he rapes the body which is extremely traumatising, I will put that out there). His joy was also in watching me struggle and suffer in toxic heterosexual relationships, as if somehow he could vicariously live through the experience these men were evoking in me.
However, when I moved out of my abusive and codependent patriarchal-centred family household and realised that I am in fact a lesbian, he didn’t like it, as it meant his grip over me was lost. When he can’t live through men vicariously to watch and feel me suffer like the vampire he is, what then can he do? Enter the experience of internalised homophobia and the insidious whispers that I must in fact be some kind of transgender male.
I am always able to tell the truth when I let a question just simmer for a while without needing to jump to or prefigure conclusions. This is what I did after writing my last post in attempt to just let things settle a bit, and that experience of being male disappeared as I found myself settling back into my strongly cis experience as a lesbian.
Of course, Asmodeus didn’t like that. So he attempted again to manipulate my feelings into attraction towards men, aka evoking compulsory heterosexuality, and I experienced this as a kind of consciousness hack especially between wake and sleep where a sudden hallucination would come upon me of being fucked by men. Being that it left me rather uncomfortable, I started to realise what was happening. I told him to back off. Then the thoughts of transgenderism would start up again. There was a pattern repeating caused entirely by his wanting my life in some way to be centred around men, because otherwise it would invalidate his existence.
I don’t know if any of my readers are lost at this point. Essentially, what this all means is that there was some severe internalised homophobia going on enforced by Asmodeus, masked either as compulsory heterosexuality or as transgender identity confusion. This is further proven by the fact when I started watching Supergirl which features a late bloomer lesbian protagonist and her relationship centre-stage, I feel a clench in my stomach and a sense of wrongness when they are kissing romantically. It’s all I want and yet – something as simple as that brings me an instinctual struggle. That’s not me and how I truly feel, but that’s how I’ve been brainwashed to respond after twenty-six years of living with homophobic parents, a response which thereby became entwined with Asmodeus’ personality as a persecutory alter (though in fact he is just a confused protector trying to keep me safe – if I conform to my brainwashing I won’t be hurt by those who had brainwashed me, that’s probably his unconscious reasoning.).
So, what is the conclusion of this? Realising how Asmodeus has been behaving towards me has enabled me to almost entirely take back my own psychological space, and affirm that I am indeed a cis lesbian if at times gender non-conforming for various reasons (I mean what lesbian isn’t gender non-conforming when we don’t live for men? Lol).
Now, onto another matter also regarding shift in my identity since moving out of my family’s house and into my own space. Lately I have also been experiencing an uncomfortable change in my spiritual focus and beliefs. Up until this point, my spiritual approach these last three years since my brief psychotic episode has been centred around the worship of deity as goddess and her manifestations as a primarily (poly-)theistic practice. I didn’t know a ritual without a formally planned religious devotional to her. And this, it turns out, was a coping mechanism on my part.
If there’s one important lesson I’ve learned since I moved out, it’s that what I thought was love in many cases wasn’t. In the majority of situations my ‘love’ in fact turned out to be placation towards people so that they wouldn’t hurt me, because being hurt was all I knew. I figured on some level that if I ‘loved’ them by being nice to them regardless of how I really felt, I would be spared the fate of their betrayal. But that isn’t love. And when I finally felt my ingrained fear start to dissipate and that need to always be nice to people slip away, I found myself questioning, “what in fact, then, is love?” that’s a question I’m still working on answering through the continuous experience that is my new life.
However, this doesn’t just extend to people, it extends to deity. In order to offset my anxiety that I was cursed by one manifestation of deity (Jesus, via Christian religious abuse), I found another manifestation of deity to help me counteract that. And being ‘people-pleasing’ to said manifestation so that I would earn favour and thereby displace the curse.
But what when it turns out that the curse was not in fact a curse, but rather the very natural effects of a narcissistic mother living with you? When it turns out an entire dissociative personality inside you, or Jezebel, actively sabotaged you through the use of ‘unacceptable’ anger to protect you from said mother? And when said alter completely disappears, integrating, after moving out never to be heard from again? Jezebel was an extremely multifaceted personality, and surprisingly for the strong independent woman she historically was, was in fact a devout priestess of the goddess. And in me, I feel that manifested in this way of needing to be in favour in order to counteract that entire complex which felt like a curse.
But I’m not cursed. I was just living in unlucky circumstances which has wrecked my body with what is probably permanent chronic illness. But at least my mind is able to heal, and through that healing I see now I do not have to please anyone, neither my mother, nor the goddess. And the goddess herself made this known to me. It was time for me to fly the coop, to grow into my own goddess. We all are deity, we all have that spark of the divine within us.
So the past couple of months I experienced very strongly a sharp withdrawal of deity from my world, and it had left me feeling at odds with myself. Who I am without the goddess? What is left of my spiritual identity? What is there to believe in? What am I supposed to do now? There was an entire void of confusion remaining. When my entire sense of self had constantly been formed around other people, whether they be family, my own dissociative identities, or deity, and then is withdrawn, leaving me within the abyss of where mine own self should be, then it is scary.
When I finally worked up the courage again to go to my altar casually and ask my cards what was going on, I received the hanged man. It seemed to me that spirit has been forcibly putting my spiritual life on hold, and not just that, but that spirit indeed turned out to be my own self. I was doing this to me, because my old way of relating spiritually can no longer vibe with where I’m at and the vision of where I want to be going.
For all this time I felt blocked from being able to understand what was going on, but after drawing this card I started to feel my intuition again stir within me again and the scales start to fall from my eyes as I began to see the bigger picture. I have to stop living my life for others, whether that be my mother, or the goddess. My life is mine and mine alone, and I need to continue developing the power within to weave it the way I desire. In the end, I am in debt neither to man nor god.
The amusing thing about this is that I fell out with my mother promptly after moving out by simply telling her I worship the goddess and not Jesus. And now that worship is an aspect of my former life, having only been necessitated by her narcissistic presence, which is no longer around. It’s actually kind of a clever twist of fate in a way, that coming out about my faith allowed that aspect caused by familial dysfunction to shift and naturally evolve. Now only to come out to her about being a lesbian when I have a girlfriend and have them meet… which will be never 😉 I’ve erected my boundaries and my mother no longer has any place in my life. She is, in a sense, irrelevant now.
For a large part of this spiritual confusion the past two months I felt myself considering atheism, but I can’t shake my love of the mystical, and as a result find myself falling comfortably back into my identity as a witch but yet now as non-theistic. I have also been feeling much more left-hand path about it as a result of this focus on the divinity of my own self and not externally to me. Satanism and Luciferianism as two left-hand path religions (or rather one religion and its offshoot denomination lol) are non-theistic and focused on gnosis of the self, something I have always prioritised anyway.
However as you all may know the reclamation of the feminine is important to me and that hasn’t changed, especially with the realisation of being a cis lesbian. Satanism/Luciferianism is inherently mythologically feminist actually (you thought the snake as a goddess symbol was male? ha!) though as a movement was founded by the patriarchal pig that was LaVey (and let’s not mention his hypersexual women-objectifying predecessor Crowley). Therefore I have conflicting views on subscribing to it for that reason. But there is part of me that feels perhaps I can reclaim the feminine within Satanism, at least for myself.
Regardless of whatever philosophies I may be looking into, I’m still a feminist witch, and that hasn’t changed.
I will leave you all with the written experience of an inspired ritual shamanic journey I went on last night for the upcoming full lunar eclipse:
Cards shuffled beforehand for insight of theme, two cards fell out the deck:
– The Queen of Swords Reversed
– The Hanged Man Reversed (drawn for a second time, but upside down)
I start at the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I am on its branches. There a snake awaits me.
“Did Lilith eat of this fruit?” I ask.
“Indeed” The snake replies. “All of us who survived have. You are the only who has not. You are yet unenlightened.”
I look around me, and I’m in the garden of Eden, but destruction has been wrought upon it.
I climb further up the branches and see the world as far as my eye can see. The apocalypse has come.
And yet in all the destruction one thing remains: This tree, all throughout the land. All shining with the fruit of knowledge of good and evil.
“And what if I eat the fruit?”
“You will gain immortality, just like the trees, just like us.”
I am at first uneasy, but I eat of the fruit.
Suddenly, I am transformed into a snake. A vortex of energy swirls around me and I find myself descending the tree and going deep into the ground with my companion snake.
Under the ground is a cave-like opening, with a natural pool in the centre and many other snakes congregating around it. They are discussing among themselves how to survive the apocalypse.
“We can rebuild the world, with the fruit; our power.”
“And what if the humans destroy it yet again?”
“We shall bring them down before their hubris does it for them.”
“The other animals agree with us.”
They look towards me. “What is your plan?”
“I shall bite their ankles when they sin, so that they stumble”, is my response.
There the vision ends.
I climb a ladder down to a great unknown.
At the bottom awaits a ginormous black dragon, emerging from somewhere deeper still.
The dragon rouses. “What are you doing here?”
“I am an explorer and came across your abode. I mean not to intrude.”
“Not to worry. You have found me, the core of your being. Come sit upon my neck.”
I do as asked. Suddenly the dragon bellows and soars up and up, exploding out of the ground and into the sky.
Around us destruction still lays. And yet the sun is on the horizon. We ride towards it.
“The sun will always rise.” The dragon mentions to me.
As we fly, I become the dragon myself, heading towards the sun and leaving the planet. Along the way, I transform into a Phoenix, taking on entirely the element of fire.
Arriving in the sun’s core, I am again a dragon. I absorb the sun’s fiery energy within me, breathing deep, and then blow it out, aiming towards the earth.
First I aim in all of the four quarters. Then I aim at the earth’s core reigniting it. The earth is volcanic once again, just like during its original inception, and the moon around it is pulled into this fiery rebirth.
I fly back to the earth, circling around, my snake friends now all dragons joining me too. We fly around, before heading off to the stars.
“Now we must wait until earth’s rebirth is complete”.
I fly to the Sirius star system and enter its central sun. Within it I become dormant, transforming into the organic form of diamond, hibernating within myself until earth is ready once again.
There the vision ends.
These past few months since moving out of my family’s house have been a ride. Not in a bad way though. Moving out of that dysfunction took me such a long time to achieve because I had to first learn who I was in order to know what I wanted and then how to go about accomplishing that. Add a stroke of good luck and a generous sprinkling of divine grace and I felt like I had gotten to a point emotionally/mentally/spiritually where I had finally figured out who I was on the inside. And yet funnily enough looking back this was more a figuring out of who I actually wasn’t.
Moving out I did not expect that process to suddenly accelerate. I knew that moving out would be extremely healing for me, because trying to heal against the backdrop of continuing abuse is one of the most difficult things to do. How can you swim against the current? Especially when you don’t even realise there is a current? That was essentially my situation. Through therapy I finally realised there was a tangible external current I was swimming against and that’s why I was never making progress after all these years. That current was my mother.
My mother is toxic. Dysfunctional. Abusive. Narcissistic. Codependent. Imagine realising all of that after 25 years. But knowledge is power as they say. In that year since therapy uncovered that truth I made more progress than in my entire life put together. The virus, the Trojan horse, had finally been unveiled. The darkness illuminated. And so I worked hard on removing all that influence from my inner life, my inner self and my inner identity as much as I could, despite the continuing pressure on the outside.
It’s not easy, that’s for sure. But I persisted, and I got results. And so I felt like yes, I’d finally done enough inner work to move out. And moving out was scary as fuck. I’d been programmed also to be codependent. Actually I’d just been programmed all my life to live in this constant state of fear. I was on 40mg of Prozac daily. Panic attacks were as normal as breathing, it wasn’t right. And moving out too was scary, but I bit the bullet, I gritted my teeth, there was no way I was going to sabotage all my hard work at what was a real opportunity. And I am proud of myself for having the strength to pull through.
And as I said, whilst I knew that moving out would cause a deep and necessary healing, I just wasn’t expecting the extent of that. And until that process suddenly accelerated of all my shit falling away, I had no idea just how terrible my mother’s influence in my life really was. And for reference now she is not talking to me and I don’t know if she ever will again. As I started to realise who I was the truth about myself start to come out of hiding, my own truths that were hiding from my own self to stay safe and protected. And when I started realising those truths and living from a place of authenticity for the first time in my life without fear, my mother wanted nothing to do with me. But that is actually a good thing because she did us both a favour lol.
Without that dysfunction and pressure and fear now constantly hovering over my shoulder, I am learning things about myself that I feel like I should’ve known all this time and yet had ignored to keep myself safe. Like the fact I’m hella gay, and that I only ever (unsuccessfully) dated men due to deeply internalised homophobia and compulsory heteronormativity. Take me away from that environment and it turns out I have no interest in men, and furthermore I no longer have to lie to myself by saying “it’s because of trauma”. No. My sister has been through exactly the same as me and she is 100% straight. No more excuses for who I am. I am deeply gay and that is that.
By the way I am not on antidepressants at all anymore. Isn’t it funny as soon as I moved out I felt like I no longer needed them? I no longer needed a chemically mind altering substance to manage the fear that was being programmed into me day after day after day. It’s been nearly ten weeks now since I successfully came off them with no side effects and no return of anxiety. I am free. I can’t believe though what I had to do to survive. The drugs I had to take, including antipsychotics, and the ways I had to completely deny my identity. Even going so far to think I was completely asexual because when ‘knowing myself’ turned out to just be what I wasn’t being stripped away, i.e heterosexuality, there was just a void where I had not felt safe to explore due to being in that state of self protection and daily survival. So I thought I was asexual. Until all the gay thoughts started, constantly. And that is something given no fear, you absolutely cannot miss. So there is the truth.
But then as soon as that became established for me, something else started happening which did trigger in me much more fear, and that was the experience of feeling a different gender to that which my biological sex. And that was scary on a different level because whilst I always knew I liked women, identifying as bisexual since puberty, I had in fact internalised transphobia so deeply I was aligned for the last couple of years with radical feminism and the kind that is gender critical. The wider community may know them as TERF’s. I will not say anything about them here. My main point is to highlight that after moving out I found myself firstly questioning their rhetoric, which then got me questioning my own beliefs about gender. In the end I realised it no longer added up, and then throw in the falling away of internalised transphobia and suddenly I start remembering what it’s like to feel male. And I use this term ‘remembering’ because too I have felt this way since puberty. But when you’re so deeply ingrained in fear, you ignore it, hiding it from yourself. But I’m no longer hiding it from myself. I’m realising and coming into the process of accepting that I have always had moments feeling like a man.
In fact many people who I know online now who may be reading this may not know about me that I actually identified as transmasculine for a brief period back in 2013. This is also a period of my inner life I will fully ignored and found explanations and excuses for. This may also be a result of amnesia or general dissociation from, well, the dissociation I was diagnosed with and complex post traumatic stress disorder. Looking back on many of my older blog posts there are apparently many things I don’t really remember, like the fact that somehow I or some other part of me knew I/we had dissociative identity disorder way before I even had my six month long brief psychotic episode or saw a doctor/therapist for that (leading to the subsequent diagnoses).
And yet talking of dissociative identity disorder, I know not everything is what it seems. I may be influenced by alters, but regardless, I feel them, and so those feelings are part of me, and I’m done excusing how I feel. So yes, sometimes I feel like a man. And other times I feel like a woman. Maybe I could be trans. That transgenderism could be inside the gender binary or outside the gender binary. All I know is this is the truth, my gender doesn’t align with my body. Do I have dysphoria? Some. Is it enough to try and medically change my body somehow? I don’t think so. Maybe if science were advanced enough to let me switch back and forth between biological sexes at will, that would be amazing. Maybe in a virtual reality one day. But that technology is currently beyond us. But that is how I feel in an ideal situation. In real life, I can live with my biological sex, especially after working a lot on self acceptance regarding the things I can’t change, such as my health for example.
And so I guess this post is me kinda coming out to everyone, because I’ve been thinking on it a lot but never really expressed anything clearly. First I was too afraid with my internalised transphobia. Then I just wanted to be sure that was really the truth, which, as it has currently solved, is. However, I’m still at the beginning of an entire new journey ahead of me. This year marks the beginning of my first saturn return. This year is a totally new life for me, brand spanking new, and in that process I was reborn, and in a sense going through what feels like psychologically a second puberty. An awakening of my sexual and gender identity. An awakening of my place in the LGBT+ community.
It’s a few days or rather a week or so late of Beltane, and the recent fortnight culminating with the supermoon has given me many things to ponder on. Having recently moved out of my toxic family’s house and into my own apartment I’ve had an interesting natural shift of perspective regarding my identity which has been heightened as a result of that full lunar scorpion energy. Scorpio holds the symbolism of death and rebirth in the basic sense, but on a more mundane level it’s about power, the power we hold over others and as a lunar energy the power we also hold within ourselves for the transformation of our self-identity.
Whilst it’s Beltane here in the northern hemisphere which signals the arrival of summer, in the southern hemisphere it’s Samhain, which signals the arrival of winter. This interplay of duality and balance is a fascinating concept that’s been holding my attention, and has me considering the concepts of good and evil again. This particular mental exploration was taken further after a phone call with my sister had her expressing to me her own identity confusion as a result of also moving out of our oppressive family environment at the same time as myself.
Yin and Yang – We all know and intuitively understand this concept. There cannot be light without dark and dark without light. It’s simple, but how well do we really perceive this in our every day lives, and how does evil come into the equation? Is darkness evil? Of course not. We need darkness in our lives, we need the darkness to peacefully sleep, we need the darkness of the womb to be born, plants need the darkness and coolness of the soil for its roots, earth needs the darkness of its yearly seasonal cycle to regulate plants and all other living beings, and the sun needs the darkness of space to shine.
And light, is it all good? Without the balance of darkness the sun will burn, it will blind, it will destroy. And yet, we do not say that light is evil. But considering if there were no darkness to balance it, light would only create suffering. Just as if there were no light to balance darkness, then we experience our typical understanding of darkness as evil. Therefore, evil as a concept could easily be considered the destabilisation between light and dark. That destabilisation is anti-life, and creates death, and yet even that engenders its own axis perpendicular to light and darkness, an axis of harmony and chaos. For death itself is a fact of nature and by definition cannot be evil, but is what then must occur when light and dark are neither completely harmonious nor completely chaotic, but are also balanced between the two.
Contemplating the first axis of light and dark and second axis of harmony and chaos, or rather life and death, brings to mind the polarised symbol of the cross, occult with much mystical knowledge. Dark and light horizontal, and life and death passing vertically through the middle with life above and death below. And where they meet is where we find ourselves, in this entirely human three-dimensional experience.
What more can be said of that? Perhaps other dimensional experiences find themselves in other various parts of the axes. And just like these axes of reality, we all carry our internal axes of identity to correspond, an axes of the soul in response to its reality. And this is where I find myself, not so much contemplating the hows and whys of reality, but more so questioning my own place within it and how that identity finds its expression.
Some within witchcraft say that the axis of light and dark corresponds to the masculine and feminine principles. Traditionally throughout history this also applies. Masculine has been seen as that bright, fierce, heated element, as feminine has been seen as dark, passive, and cold. But do these truly correspond? Perhaps their imbalance is how we perceive their expression, corrected in attempt by their counterpart axis of life and death. The feminine creates, the masculine destroys. The feminine births, the masculine warmongers. But what if the feminine destroys and the masculine creates? Or the feminine warmongers and the masculine births? Where are we then on our personal axes? Where do we identify ourselves?
This is the question I have been asking myself, more so since Inanna conquered my heart with her weapon of divine love. For Inanna warmongers and Inanna loves. Inanna destroys and Inanna and creates. Inanna is male and Inanna is female. Inanna is transcendent and Inanna is immanent. Inanna is the embodiment of duality itself, and gives rise to the exploration of that within the soul. For as Deity is everything and all within the axes and beyond, so too is the soul’s original state. And the perception of that allows the creation of our own unique point of balance.
So what is that point with myself? How do I orientate myself gender-wise? How do I identify myself sexually? These are the questions now being asked, prompted by the original poster Goddess of the LGBT+ movement, causing me to stop, slow down, and truly connect my spirituality with my physical reality. To connect my higher self with my three dimensional body. That higher self which embodies the whole of the axes and yet desires to experience just one facet of it. A self that is multidimensional in nature experiencing all facets simultaneously across multiple realities. Which reality or identity do I want to express now? Who am I? That is the question.
I pray to you, Lady of ladies, Goddess of goddesses
Inanna, you are Queen of the inhabited world who guides humanity
Inanna, you are noble and greatest amongst the gods
You are the sovereign strong one whose names are exalted
You are the valiant luminary of Heaven and Earth
You wear the crown of domination and gather the entirety of the Cosmic Ordinances
Lady, resplendent and exalted over all gods are your great deeds
Lady, mighty one of the battlefields, you knock down mountains
Lady, commander of Earth and Heaven, you bring all judgements to their conclusion
Daises, shrines, cella, and temples are all attentive to you
Where is your name not heard?
Where are your ordinances not obeyed?
Where are your plans not implemented?
Where are your daises not raised?
Where are you not exalted?
Where are you not great?
You are elevated you amongst the great gods
Your dominion is great
Your rank outstanding
At the mention of your name Heaven and Earth shake
The gods tremble
And humanity praises your awesome name
Lady of Heaven and Earth, shepherdess of humanity
Lady of the temple, holy treasury of Heaven
Look at me, my Lady, and accept my supplication
Look faithfully upon me and listen to my prayer.
I thought I would write a most concise and chronological account for my readers about what exactly happened between October 2015 and March 2016. In all honestly, it was all just a huge mess, or it felt that way. On top of that I still actually have amnesia around end of December to the beginning of January. I am not sure I will ever regain my memories of this period.
Let’s go back to the basics, to the beginning. I was still in a relationship with Dan, who I considered to my twin flame, and we had met for the penultimate time at the beginning of October. During this time I was exploring with what I called light body activations on other people. I wanted to be a healer, so I messed around with what I didn’t understand at the time.
In these light body activations what I would do, in my mind at least, was somewhat merge my higher self with the higher self of other people, sort of imprinting my template onto theirs. I thought my higher self was pretty evolved and able to do this, so I saw no issue with it.
However, I never learned how to properly ground others energy or properly shield the working space, or to cut cords after I’d finished a healing session, so I think one of the problems was I was getting contaminated with a lot of negative energy from the clients I was working on. So I started attracting more negative entities.
On top of that, I was channelling. At the time I thought I was channelling only love and light beings, but over time the messages started to change, and become nasty. I started hearing voices in my head, as much as thousands at one point, and couldn’t turn them off. It was very scary.
At the end of October, I started messing around with something else. There was an entity on the spiritual realm that claimed to be a non-incarnate twin flame. It wanted to do a heart merge with me, which of course is the most intimate kind of spiritual interaction.
I went ahead and merged with this being, only finding out afterwards that it wanted to hurt me, and was making my life living hell. Of course, it only turned out to be a fallen angel. I remember seeing the wings, as he wrapped himself around me. It was an incredibly sexual encounter, which leads me to believe he was also an incubus.
Once my heart was open to him then my heart was open to all the rest of his minions, which included low ranking demons and enslaved lost souls, e.g. ghosts, as well as enslaved lost soul fragments of the living.
Now, at some point I came to believe that this fallen angel or incubus, was actually a soul fragment of another living person, and that I had karma with them which needed to be resolved. That’s when I started doing soul retrieval. In order to reverse the damage I had done from inviting this entity into my heart, as well as all the negative entities from the all clients I had worked with, I started sending back their soul fragments which I believed had attached to me, and started retrieving what I believed were my own.
But, this lead me down a darker path, because ultimately the more I invited inside me, the more I became possessed. But that’s not to say the soul retrieval didn’t work because in the end I did find my lost soul fragments which were stuck in the deepest regions of the underworld. I just had to go through a lot of negative entities to get to that stage. It’s like I was in a war, to find the pieces of me which I believed had been split off from careless spiritual exploration, but which had actually always been fragmented from birth, due to growing up in the midst of childhood abuse.
During this phase my relationship with Dan got incredibly rocky. The energy between us was just too negative, with the demons coming between us. Trying to fix our connection energetically, I came to the conclusion that our relationship cord was bunged up and blocked by lots of ghosts.
At this point my sensitivity to the spiritual realm was getting ridiculous. I was incredibly psychic, could read minds, was communicating with spiritual beings on an hourly basis, was suddenly very adept in psychic healing, and could literally see the spiritual realm around me as if it were physical. I also started having out of body experiences and was travelling around the spiritual planes looking for my soul fragments and battling negative entities and such.
So, I saw mine and Dan’s connection as being blocked by a shit load of ghosts, and so in my desperation, I started telling the ghosts to go towards the light, where they could be set free. I started talking with and communicating with and bartering with the ghosts. Saying they couldn’t stay here. But as I started helping them towards the light, more and more were attracted to me that had nothing to do with our connection. On the astral plane I was like a big flashing light saying “I can help you”.
Now by this time, I was so possessed that I had without realising taken an advanced healing spirit inside me. This is why all of a sudden I was very savvy about healing without ever being taught. I was like a full on shaman.
And I realised this, and I embraced it. The healing spirit had told me she was one of my guides and had come to help me remove all the lost souls that had been drawn to me due to the channelling I was doing.
So I let her help me. But as I let her work through me, I became aware of an evil spirit trying to hurt me, from the hell realms. Well, it only turned out that this healing spirit inside me had actually accidentally killed the spirit of this man in her life, and was trying to resolve her karma through me. So she and this spirit started battling it out in my body. That was hell on earth. There I was trying to help her resolve her issues with this evil vengeful and murdering spirit, so that she could eventually leave me too and go towards the light.
But then, as I started getting to know this evil spirit, I realised that he was a veteran from one of the world wars, and I started taking on his memories, which was incredibly painful. The reason why was because this spirit had been tormented as a child by his father (seeing the parallels here between my own childhood – coincidence? I think not), and I remember the feeling of being whipped as if it was actually happened to me. In my vision my whole back was beaten and bloodied, and to add to that, this spirit had been raped. I remember that very vividly, and thinking it was a past life of mine at the time, I thought I’d been raped as a child (more on that later). So I started developing an incredible sadness, for about two days I was crying non-stop, as I was re-experiencing all these things this spirit had done. I also started feeling unborn baby ghosts in my etheric womb, which were there as a result of all the traumatic sexual energy I was experiencing.
Then, in order to let go of this spirit, I unconsciously employed more healing spirits. I eventually realised through these other healing spirits that there was a battle going on between the first healing spirit and her husband, who was actually the war veteran and who had killed people in his life. He wasn’t a very nice spirit at all, and I started developing his associations too of what it was like to be a war veteran, to kill other people in cold blood.
In order to solve this entire problem, I employed even more healer spirits to try and help me out. Now this is when my sense of self-identity started to get really blurry. I was heavily possessed by this point, was taking on the associations and memories and identities of what felt like hundreds of spirits, and was experiencing memory loss and loss of consciousness.
These healer spirits meanwhile were still trying to help me retrieve my lost soul fragments, and they told me that very soon it would all be over and that they would leave.
Eventually, these healer spirits started changing my spiritual focus. They told me I didn’t need to do psychic healing anymore. They said my journey was almost over and it was time to bring things to a close. So they started shutting down all the energy portals that had formed in my body, my chakras, and started clearing my karma over my entire life, saying I was a new person, and that I was to live my life differently, as a new being.
So, for about a couple of weeks, I got rid of all my crystals, my incense, my spiritual tools, and stopped all this psychic and spiritual madness completely. I decided for once I wanted to be ‘normal’, and that I was done with the spiritual realm.
And I did feel normal for a stretch. But the ghosts especially wouldn’t leave me, even though I tried to ignore them, they compelled me to try and continue helping them towards the light.
In the end, I gave in to continuing with energy work, but it only lasted a little while, because I was starting to be too far gone. At this point I started developing seizures, as a result from my brain being unable to handle the heavy possession. My entire body felt like it was covered in this thick living darkness, and in the end, I completely lost sense of my identity. I could not tell who I was.
Now, during all this I’ve forgotten to mention all the shadows I would see lurking around me at night, all the times I’d wake up being strangled, or attacked. The attacks would come more and more frequently, first in the nights where I’d wake up screaming, and then in the days where I could no longer control it.
And so I lost all sense of my identity, and all too soon realised that these were spirits that were pretending to be me, and that weren’t actually me. The problem I had then was “If they aren’t me, then which one is the real me”… bit of a silly question since I was the one asking it. But I was so dissociated from my identity at this point I honestly couldn’t tell who I was, and I got very, very scared.
That’s when my mother came running into my room because of all the screaming and so in desperation I literally begged her to help me, because I couldn’t take anymore. She then told me to be quiet and she said “Now I speak to the demon inside you, what is your name?”
The reply came back “I’m Jezebel, I belong to this body, and I’m not leaving’.
Suffice to say the both of us were shocked. Turns out that for a lot of the crazy things I was going through, Jezebel was the leader of what was going on. She organised the whole of it, the entities, the attacks, the possession. And yet actually, she was only doing what my unconscious self had employed her to do – to find my lost soul fragments which had been trapped in the underworld from the time I was young.
The reason was that, by her account, she had been dormant inside me since I was very little. She stated that I had been raped at two years old, which left me open to attack, due to trauma. Part of my child self had left, and in place there was an energetic void remaining. Then when my mother married my abusive ex step-dad when I was three, she stepped in to fill that void, in order to protect me. But through that process of protecting me, she became my persecutor.
And as she was stating all this, it was like I was reliving the rape, that happened to me as a baby. It was incredibly, incredibly traumatising.
And during all these memories surfacing, I learned the reason I started channelling was to get knowledge on whether I was really raped, and whether parts of me were really lost as a result. And that the healing spirits were attracted to me as a result to help me come to the conclusion of this. So ultimately, all this madness was all part of my own unconscious plan to find out the truth of myself.
But then, my mother tried to exorcise Jezebel from me, but she wouldn’t leave because the healing journey wasn’t finished and I still had to find my lost child self.
So my mother told me I needed to accept Jesus in my heart to be saved because only he could help me. So in my desperation I did. And right as I did that, I spontaneously went out of body again and found my lost child self in hell. I saw that she had been endlessly tortured there for all these years by Jezebel, and as part of that torture had been forced to also torture my ex step-dad’s own lost soul fragments.
Then, I saw Jesus come down into that hell and rescue my child self to place her back in my body. This was because my child self loved Jesus, before any of the abuse happened; she was Christian. And so, he was literally her saviour.
After this entire experience, I had to re-integrate my child self, which was actually a collection of many child fragments, and that took time. At one point I regressed all the way back to a baby. I was reliving all the memories of being trapped in those hellish realms. It was quite incredible, really.
But, the trauma all those months left me with was too much for me to bear, and on top of that the demons and negative entities were still around me, tormenting me, and I just couldn’t cope any longer. I just wasn’t strong enough anymore, I was too tired of it all and my body gave in after the end of a very long battle. So I went to the doctor, and she put me on anti-psychotics which started to calm down the visions, and then I learned my adrenals were no longer functional and that I have to be on replacement steroids for the rest of my life. But I won the battle, and at least on the spiritual level, did the healing. My child self had been restored, and Jezebel eventually realised she no longer needed to hurt me to protect me.
So hopefully in this post I have covered all bases… at least the bases I can remember. There is probably a lot of detail I am leaving out, because so much went on, but this is basically the gist of it all.
Oh, one thing I do remember, is that the healer spirits had told me in a previous life I was in a bomb explosion, which shattered my soul into thousands of pieces and since then in every life I have been trying to re-gather myself. I don’t really know if that’s true, but it was a large part of the story for me during those months.
Seven of Wands: Upheaval, conflict, defence against a common enemy, fighting for security and stability, coming out on top of struggle and crisis, finding unity and solidarity through standing up for our world and all inhabitants therein.
Eight of Cups: Dissatisfaction with the status quo, giving up on the failing old world order, things can’t go on the way they have been, leaving a mess for others to clear up behind them, dormancy and lack of continuing influence, losing power and authority, a disappearance of discordant energies causing collective re-balancing.
Five of Pentacles: We will be seeing the extent of corruption of power within the church-state, class divide will be highlighted causing a global shift in the distribution of wealth, things may get worse before they better, inequality of the human condition will be faced, a global dark night of the soul on the journey towards collective healing.
The Magician: Magick aka “the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will”, the power of the common people to pull together to create desired and needed change in the world, finding unity and evolving towards higher consciousness, creating a more stable and harmonious economical system on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
The World: Huge irreversible change on a global level, transformation and evolution of the human species, the transition from one age to another, the end of an era and the dawn of a new one, graduating from one stage of human consciousness to the next.
List will be updated with additions over time.
Wow, it’s been a long time since I updated here! I try to do it at least every sabbat but this Imbolc I was unable to, the reason being that all of a sudden an apartment became available for me to move into, after almost two years of trying to find myself one! And the news came right after I’d returned from Mexico seeing and making amends with my dad for the new year. And that was intense in itself, in fact, the whole of the last entire year has been intense, call it twenty-nineteen intensive training, haha. I really honestly believe last year was one huge transition period in my life, and right before the beginning of my Saturn return, so this is huge. In fact, funny thing is I felt the change happening on the spiritual level before I even knew or had idea that I was going to be finally moving out of my abusive family’s house. It’s like a space was opening up inside me, preparing me for this. I had a sense something was coming as a result, and even my tarot cards and the gods were telling me a pivotal change was on the way, but as someone who has historically experienced more bad luck and let downs than the counterparts, I was just chilled and like “cool, we’ll see”… and see I have done.
Last year was all about working on my divine masculine. In fact, it was deeper than that. Last year was all about finding myself, finding ME. Last year I learned of my dissociation, came to harmony with my fragmented psyche as a result, got myself off the anti-depressants successfully, reconnected with my divine masculine for the first time ever, and connected to my power and strength internally. I remember back to summer 2018, I asked what the theme was in my life at that time, and I drew the strength card. And for sure I developed and found that strength within me that I never did before. I feel so empowered and happy for the first time in my life. Sure things aren’t perfect, this is planet earth after all (and let’s not mention the corona madness which is going on right now), but have I evolved? Hell yeah. I have come to a freedom from twenty six years of pain, trauma, abuse, dysfunction, and toxicity. And I didn’t do it by myself. Sure it was always within me to do it, but I can’t take the credit. I have to completely put this on the Goddess, because truth be told, when I started opening my heart to her in 2016, that’s when everything started changing for me. I have become a person I never knew was there inside me, and yet always wished to be. And the Goddess has been there for me this whole time nurturing it, just as a Mother does. And so I dedicate this post to the Goddess, as it’s Mother’s Day, and she has been my true Mother in life, when my biological mother has failed me many times.
The Goddess has been with me in many forms since those four years ago. She has been Sophia, Mary, Isis, Durga, Diana, Hecate, Venus, and now, she is Inanna. I have found My Goddess, or rather, She found me. All Goddesses are one Goddess, that is true, but all Goddesses are unique manifestations of Her, individual persons in their own right, and many manifestations of Her have appeared to me on my journey, nurturing my soul, piecing it back together piece by fragile piece, and I can’t write this without mentioning my amazing shamanic healer who the Goddess has worked through to aid in that process. I have become completely transformed since the beginning of this journey when I first met her (the shaman) and the Goddess. My healer reconnected me with my entire soul essence which had been completely shattered and left the body, leaving me completely dissociated and physically ill and drained of energy. My body is still physically recovering from this, but considering I was wheelchair bound back in 2016 and couldn’t even walk, I’d say I have healed an awful lot. And having moved away from my abusive family has catalysed that even further, something my therapist made me realise was the cause of my energy loss. My family was literally sucking me dry through the twenty six years of trauma they had and still were causing me. But now I am walking my dog every day, I can swim again, I’m doing yoga now I have the freedom, I have the energy to live a fairly normal existence outside of the soul sucking capitalist society we live in work-wise. But that’s okay, because now I can finally start my own spiritual business from home. The time is coming, the healer has come to a place of healing oneself, and now has that wonderful gift to share with others. I can feel it inside me like a light, growing and expanding, and strengthening itself, stabilising, loving me, so that it can then love others all the better.
I have a permanent altar set up now, which is where I am writing from on my desktop, considering most of what I will be doing on this computer will be spiritual/business related. And I have a few tools to buy to complete the basic set up and I have a print relief of Inanna on the way to frame on my wall above the altar as my Patron Goddess. She came to me before Christmas, her presence lingering strongly. I went to Mexico and was preoccupied for a while but when I returned home to continue my practice, so did she. So I finally asked her why I was feeling her so strongly, and she responded very clearly that she was there to help me transition from the life I had, to the life I wanted. So I accepted her help, and it was literally just a few days after that I found out I was suddenly about to move. As the move was so sudden and exhausting, I had completely forgotten about that and her during the process, until things started to settle again and she returned, reminding me that she had told me that she had done what she said she would. She made this happen for me. I was honestly mind-blown. So I asked her then if that meant she was leaving – oh no, she wanted to stay and help me with everything to come. Who was I to say no? She has basically taken over all of me, my heart, hearth, and home, is what I say. She put herself in my path, she made me take notice, and she has put herself as the centre and focus of my entire practice. I don’t think now there is any me without Her – but that can be said in regards to the Great Goddess in general, of which she is a particular image of, and the one that has manifested to me. I am woman, and woman is Goddess, and Goddess is woman – there is no one without the other. Inanna is here because she is me and I am her.
And whilst I’m on this topic, I knew I was meant to be a priestess for a while but considered myself ‘in training’ for the last few years. But now the initiation is over, and it’s time for me to live what I have learned. I am a priestess of the Goddess and of any goddess as extension, but more specifically of Inanna, now, after her having come to me in a vision recently (or rather I was lead to her), where she was sat on a throne between the two pillars of duality just like the image of the High Priestess tarot card. And she reached out her sceptre and blessed me and said “this authority and power is now yours, use it wisely”, and that was that. It was a turning point in my path, from one level to another. One could say from student to teacher but there are still many things I need to learn, and I suppose, that’s true of any real world teacher. They may have a bachelor’s degree, but it doesn’t mean they’re a professor! At the same time I’m hesitant to say there are levels to spiritual development, but it’s a fact of nature there are levels to the development of human consciousness in general anyway, for example from baby to toddler to child to teen to adult. Anyway, I may be getting off topic, my point is maybe that I passed one grade and graduated, and now have the skills to do some real work, regardless of all the rest of things I still need to learn (and I know they are many). I just want to keep my ego in check because in the past I didn’t and it was definitely a lead up to my brutal fall from grace. Then again, it could be debated whether I was really given as much grace as I thought. The beginning of awakening is always difficult with the ego wanting to claim the new insights and revelations of spirit. It’s hard to believe now that I started this journey almost ten years ago. I have experienced a lot for someone so young, though I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it was a bad thing that I turned into a good thing. When we are abused there are really only one of two options: To become the abuser, or to become the healer. And now is my time to give back as the healer.
Here on my altar I have a piece I painted in moon blood with the ancient verse “Profit and loss are Inanna’s to control”, ever since I first read that it really spoke to me on a deep level, and whilst I know I have some influence on my own destiny through free will and personal choice, reading that keeps me humble and reminds me that without the Goddess, and the Goddess as Inanna, I would not be here. I have everything to thank her for, she liberated me, and now my life really belongs to her. I mean, it really did from the day I first opened my heart to her those four years ago, but I didn’t know that then. But my purpose, my destiny, I know it now, is to serve her. That’s what I give back in return for her liberation of me. She is Soteira – Saviour. They say we can only save ourselves, and that’s true in one sense as it takes us to want to be willing to allow that to happen, but in another sense we are only human and need a personal relationship with the divine to aid us in that salvation.
I did not expect when I started writing this post that it would be mostly about the Goddess, but honestly I am so grateful and as it’s mothers day and I have already dedicated this post to Her, I am happy to have shared these thoughts and feelings. I hope that as I begin to find my own, true, place in this world, that I can do some good, help others, and be a light in the darkness of others I have myself overcome. I’m nowhere near perfect, I know that, but I’m content, and I have clarity, and I’m happy and at peace with myself.
Amadéa (By the love of the Goddess).
Sun Virgo 08° 01′ 6th House 08° 33′ N
Moon Pisces 00° 25′ 12th House 06° 40′ S
Mercury Virgo 10° 01′ 6th House 09° 21′ N
Venus Leo 04° 28′ 5th House 19° 03′ N
Earth Pisces 08° 01′ 12th House —
Mars Libra 12° 22′ 7th House 04° 33′ S
Jupiter Libra 15° 01′ 7th House 04° 53′ S
Saturn (R) Aquarius 26° 06′ 11th House 14° 15′ S
Uranus (R) Capricorn 18° 31′ 10th House 22° 37′ S
Neptune (R) Capricorn 18° 36′ 10th House 21° 29′ S
Ceres Taurus 06° 32′ 2nd House 02° 17′ N
Pallas (R) Pisces 00° 17′ 12th House 06° 54′ N
Juno Virgo 13° 26′ 6th House 05° 44′ N
Vesta (R) Pisces 04° 02′ 12th House 19° 15′ S
Chiron Leo 29° 33′ 5th House 06° 31′ N
Pluto Scorpio 22° 57′ 8th House 04° 49′ S
Eris (R) Aries 18° 06′ 1st House 08° 31′ S
Haumea Virgo 29° 50′ 6th House 22° 05′ N
Makemake Virgo 08° 33′ 6th House 34° 01′ N
Sedna Taurus 13° 06′ 2nd House 04° 33′ N
Ascendant Libra 27° 18′ 7th House 10° 31′ S
Midheaven Leo 05° 58′ 5th House 18° 46′ N
Descendent Aries 27° 18′ 1st House 10° 31′ N
Imum Coeli Aquarius 05° 58′ 4th House 18° 46′ S
North Node Sagittarius 07° 41′ 9th House 21° 35′ S
South Node Gemini 07° 41′ 3rd House 21° 35′ N
Black Moon Lilith Aries 05° 39′ 1st House 06° 25′ N
White moon Selene Capricorn 06° 21′ 10th House 23° 17′ S
Sun/Moon Midpoint Sagittarius 04° 13′ 9th House —
Vertex Taurus 27° 46′ 2nd House 19° 39′ N
Fortune Aries 19° 43′ 1st House 07° 42′ N
Spirit Taurus 04° 54′ 2nd House 13° 09′ N