I believe in one secret and ineffable Lord; and in one Star in the Company of Stars of whose fire we are created, and to which we shall return; and in one Father of Life, Mystery of Mystery, in His name Chaos, the sole vicegerent of the Sun upon the Earth; and in one Air the nourisher of all that breathes.
And I believe in one Earth, the Mother of us all, and in one Womb wherein all men are begotten, and wherein they shall rest, Mystery of Mystery, in Her name Babalon.
And I believe in the Serpent and the Lion, Mystery of Mystery, in his name Baphomet.
And I believe in one Gnostic and Catholic Church of Light, Life, Love and Liberty, the Word of whose Law is Thelema.
And I believe in the communion of Saints.
And, forasmuch as meat and drink are transmuted in us daily into spiritual substance, I believe in the Miracle of the Mass.
And I confess one Baptism of Wisdom, whereby we accomplish the Miracle of Incarnation.
And I confess my life one, individual and eternal that was, and is, and is to come.
Aumn. Aumn. Aumn.
Hail Goddess full of grace
Blessed are you,
And blessed are the fruits of your womb
All Holy Mother of all
Be with us now and in the hour of our need
So mote it be.
– Taken and adapted from the book She Who Changes: Re-imagining the Divine in the World by Carol P Christ
The Lesser Key of Solomon, Goetia 32
“The thirty-second spirit is Asmoday, or Asmodai. He is a great king, strong, and powerful. He appears with three heads, whereof the first is like a bull, the second like a man, and the third like a ram; he has also the tail of a serpent, and from his mouth issue flames of fire. His feet are webbed like those of a goose. He sits upon an infernal dragon, and bears in his hand a lance with a banner. He is first and choicest under the power of Amaymon, he goes before all other. When the exorcist has a mind to call him, let it be abroad, and let him stand on his feet all the time of action, with his cap or headdress off; for if it be on, Amaymon will deceive him and call all his actions to be betrayed. But as soon as the exorcist sees Asmoday in the shape aforesaid, he shall call him by his name, saying: “Are you Asmoday?” and he will not deny it, and by-and-by he will bow down unto the ground. He gives the ring of virtues; he teaches the arts of arithmetic, astronomy, geometry, and all handicrafts absolutely. He gives true and full answers unto your demands. He makes one invincible. He shows the place where treasures lie, and guards it. He, amongst the legions of Amaymon govern 72 legions of spirits inferior. His seal… you must wear as a lamen upon your breast, etc.”
He gives the ability to read others thoughts.
Confers invisibility and invincibility.
Can break up marriages and relationships. Asmodeus’ chief objectives are to prevent intercourse between husband and wife, wreck new marriages, and force husbands to commit adultery.
He teaches the arts of astronomy, arithmetic, geomancy and craftmanship.
It is said that “Asmodeus answers all questions and he discovers and guards treasures”, however this will depend on the skill of the occultist.
He is also one of the chief demons involved in cases of possession. (He was one of the infernal agents blamed for the obscene sexual possession of the Louviers nuns in 17th-century France).
He incites gambling, and it is said in the Malleus Maleficarum that he is the overseer of all the gambling houses in the court of hell.
Rank: King of demons
Color: Yellow, black, crimson, blue
Planet: Sun, Jupiter, Neptune
Element: Air, water, fire
Directions: East, south
Animal: Spider, whale
Date: Jan 30-Feb 8, Aug 13-17, Aug 28-Sep 1
Zodiac: Virgo 5-9, Leo 20-24, Aquarius 10-20
Gematria: 122, 235, 362, 369, 552
Metal: Gold, copper turned blue
Tarot: Six of Swords, Eight of Pentacles
Herbs: Mint, saffron, cinnamon, orange, dragon’s blood, grains of paradise, olive oil, wormwood, sandalwood, spikenard, deerstongue, agrimony
O triple form of darkness! Sombre Splendour!
Thou Moon unseen of men! Thou Huntress dread!
Thou crowned demoness of the crownless dead!
O breasts of blood, too bitter and too tender!
Unseen of gentle spring,
Let me the offering
Bring to Thy shrine’s sepulchral glittering!
I slay the swart beats! I bestow the bloom
Sown in the dusk, and gathered in the gloom
Under the waning Moon,
Atmidnight hardly lighting the East;
And the black lamb from the black ewe’s dead womb
I bring and stir the slow infernal tune
Fit for Thy chosen priest.
Here where the band of Ocean breaks the road
Black-trodden, deeply-stooped, to the abyss,
I shall salute Thee with the namelesskiss
Pronounced toward the uttermost abode
Of Thy supreme desire. I shall illume the fire
Whence Thy wild stryges shall obey the lyre,
Whence Thy Lemurs shall gather and spring round,
Girdling me in the sad funeral ground
With faces turned back,
My face averted! I shall consummate
The awful act of worship, O renowned,
Fear upon Earth, fear in hell, and black
Fear in the sky beyond fate!
I hear the whining of the wolves!
I hear the howling of the wolves about Thy Form,
Who comest in the terror of Thy storm,
And night falls faster,
Eere Thine eyes appear
Glittering through the mist.
O face of Woman unkissed
Save by the dead whose love is taken ere Thy wist!
Thee, Thee I call! O dire One! O Divine!
I, the sole mortal, seek Thy deadly shrine,
Pour the dark stream of blood,
A sleepy and reluctant river.
Even as Thou drawest, with Thy eyes on mine,
To me across the sense-bewildering flood
That holds my soul forever!
Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Call it what you may, Christmas or Yule, or any other variation thereof, this is the time of year we celebrate the return of the sun and its light in our life. And we praise its banishing of darkness that has plagued us since the beginning of the dark half of year, most notable at Samhain. We also look forward in hope to spring again, when the days are of equal length to the night once again and daylight is only increasing from thereon. It is a time of hope, faith, and preparation for the new things in our life.
This time last year, I had prayed to Aphrodite and created a spell to find new love for the New Year. And it was successful, in its own way. Love did not take the form I had planned that January 2019, but love found me for sure, and it has completely, completely, transformed me as a person. I have experienced many soul connections throughout my life, many with lessons far too advanced for me to pass, having resulted in many spectacular failures. But with this one I believe I had the advantage, as, for the first time, I had faith in a higher power, who had proven Her love for me. I had the Goddess. And throughout this past year, through this relationship, and through my own desire to better myself, she has completely revolutionised my concept of Self, to a sense of feeling illuminated and clear, for the first time in a very long time.
It is a shift, a very subtle one this winter solstice, but a very deep shift nevertheless that has been in the works for a long time now. Oh how I struggled and toiled within myself, all that hard, soul-destroying work, to rebirth myself from the ashes, to realise who I truly was and truly am, at heart. I have, come to a vision of myself that is entire, even in my brokenness. I see all the pieces of me now, and I know how they are meant to be put back to together, slowly, piece by piece, in their own time and at their own pace. I have come to a sense of wholeness within that vision of perfect brokenness. It’s tentative, but it’s there, and now my charge is to nurture it, so that I can complete this vision.
What just has happened though? I may hear those of you reading thinking. What has happened is that this relationship, which I have fully come to see now, along with all the other ‘twin flamey’ connections in my life that came before, as karmic soulmates, along with the perfect guidance and direction of the Goddess with me, has lead me to the reconnection of my soul to the Divine Masculine, both without as the God, but within myself too. I have completely reconnected to this part of me that has before been completely cut off, and rejected. And oh boy has it been a journey and a half.
This relationship which I found myself in, was a Daddy Dom/Little Girl relationship. He was indeed my substitute daddy, a father figure, to my inner child. But more than that, I came to realise what I had within me was more than just an inner child. All this time, I had been living with different personalities in my head, called dissociative identities, or alters, and that my ‘inner child’ was actually what is called a ‘Little’, that is, a fully developed personality who stopped mentally progressing at a certain age as a child due to trauma. And that trauma, was multiple in nature.
The first trauma was the trauma of sexual abuse by a daycare worker, at the age of two years old. That created the ‘crack’ so to speak in my psyche. Which could’ve healed, had not an abusive and violent man married my mother a few months later and called himself my father for the next seventeen years. And that original trauma, that wound, never got chance to heal, and it festered and that Little part of me became scared, repressed, and dormant, and other personalities arose to take her place in protection. One of these early personalities and protectors was Jezebel, who originally was a persecutor modelled in the image of my abuser’s religious fascination of evil spirits and demons. As a result of that and preceding religious abuse, many of my alters were formed in the image of persecutory demons, and one of these demons or rather devils is a male known as Asmodeus.
Asmodeus is a devil of both wrath and lust. You can say the two are one for him. And he has been active for many years terrifying not just myself, but everyone else in our dissociative system, including Jezebel, who in fact was only acting in response to his hatred. Her own hatred in fact was fuelled by his. And he, was the entire embodiment of all the male abuse that I and we have ever experienced. Every terrible male thing that happened to me personally but also impersonally such as I may have seen on tv or in history (think Adolf Hitler), he embodied it all. And as such, for many, many, years, he was a silent and deadly force, devastating both myself, our system, and my life every-time I tried to make something for myself. He was the ultimate saboteur, and the ultimate ‘root cause’ of every problem I had experienced yet unknown to me, until now.
Now, if you have been paying attention, you can see the progression of events here. I fell in love with a man who became a substitute daddy, which brought out my Little alter, which helped me learn about Jezebel, as Jezebel was always my Little’s persecutor/protector. And once Jezebel had come to her own balance, I learn that in fact she has only been acting in accordance to Asmodeus. And so I learn of Asmodeus and his fall from Grace, and then – And then I meet him, in his original form, before that fall from Grace. I meet him, the quintessential male within me, the archetype and alter both, made in the original image of the God, the Divine Masculine, and I realise – He is the Father! He is the Father within who I had always been searching for and yet never known due to pain. In fact, he had never known either, in his own amnesia.
When I saw him in that perfect state, his true angelic, nay, godly nature, I realised then who he truly was. He was Strength, and funnily enough I just remembered just now writing this that when I pulled a tarot card last year as to what my theme was, it was Strength. And Strength is flanked by two lions. And Asmodeus, he is the lion. And he is also the Dragon, as is my soul. Asmodeus is the, what Jung could call, the shadow projection of my Animus. But those projections started to fall away, and the entire system started to come into balance, and then, for the first time, I was connected to the Divine Masculine within me. And that is how I came to that vision of my own perfect wholeness, within the brokenness, and how I came to know the God in a direct personal relationship with no fear. And since then, He has been with me, alongside the Goddess, cheering me and my healing on.
The implications of this have been truly profound. I have for the first time ever, reconnected with my biological father in the real world. I have never succeeded before. But now I have the returning innocent strength of Asmodeus returning, and the energy of the Divine Masculine within me with it. And I have the God who is beside me as ever, even though I saw it not before in Asmodeus’ fall from grace. Asmodeus is my archetypal Lucifer, but now, he is redeemed. Or in the process of being redeemed anyway. And that has created an entire chain of positive events with the men in my life, for example as I already expressed, with my dad. I feel very much more at ease with men and male energy in general, as I feel that comfortably sitting within myself to begin with. And it has also allowed me to withdraw my projections when it comes to romantic relationships and my codependent energies that fuel them. And so hence, has come the end of one era in my life, one of primarily codependent relationships (I hope!) and another of sitting within my own energy and having the union of my own love within of that masculine and feminine Self. The reflection of the God and Goddess, made manifest within the human (or non-human incarnate) soul.
And so, with the Winter Solstice approaching, my wish, my heartfelt prayer since probably October, that the Divine Masculine would be reborn in me just as the sun is to be reborn, was granted. And that day the God closed the end of one chapter in my life, of many years, and began a new one. And so, that is how Christmas 2019 has gone for me!
Tenebrific, serpentine negation
Vacant presence, eidolon deception
Senseless, desolate, voiding perception
Presence itself is nought but space lay bare
Limboid, non-Baryonic energy, ninety-five percent primality
We are naught, o’ veritably
Isolation perturbs relation between my own cellular connection
How then is there yearning for chemical affection with evanescent ‘other’,
When other perturbs all that is not?
It has been a while, I think, since I’ve felt inspired to write a post like this, at least, I hope in the way I want it to turn out. I feel, somewhat embarrassed, nay, ashamed, for wanting to expose parts of myself I would rather keep locked up in the shadows, either from my own awareness, or from those friends who hold me in high esteem.
I will start with the end of my last blog post from Samhain. I had planned a trip a few months ago to Mexico to see my family, and then to see my Daddy afterwards on the way home as it wasn’t too far flight wise. But, those past few months, I had been stressed from moving house and from the side effects of new medications and also from having to deal with the new understanding that my mother has been abusive in ways I did not let myself see before. I had, in many ways, shut myself off emotionally from both my Daddy and the world. I was depressed, and I was, in a dissociative sense, repressed.
Due to all that, it came to a moment some time after I wrote that post, in which the topic of his current polyamorous lifestyle came up again. In a complete and utter impulsive tantrum, I broke up with him, quit speaking to him, and cancelled my flight to see him. Just like that, in one whole moment. I was, to say the least, intensely, intensely triggered. The ‘worst’ part of me, so to speak, came out. This, what I shall now call, the Jezebellian part of me. The man-hating angry protective part of me. Oh, she wasn’t happy.
And I am ashamed of that. Why? I am not ashamed of her because she did what she had to do in order to make me feel safe. Because I was feeling unloved, unwanted, not good enough, all these things… I felt so horrible within myself, so sad and so angry. But, there is more than that. I was in that state maybe two weeks, dissociating all over the place, struggling to care for myself. But his soul energy never left me, counteracting the lies I was telling myself and had been telling myself all these years. Because these lies are just lies I was told as a child and had internalised. In the end, I came back to him. Me, the whole of me, realised, his love, despite his current polyamory, was and is true and genuine for me. His orientation never changed that.
But that part of me, was activated. Jezebel, she wanted to continue protecting me. In her influence, or maybe I should just stop fobbing my own craziness off on her, because we are all one person after all, I cast a couple of spells which, is the real reason behind my feeling ashamed. Because, I cast a spell, which, whilst when I had planned it was meant to be completely done in a non negative way, to try and change his orientation to monogamous, the anger that I had been previously feeling just flood through me, and in the actual moment of casting it, I said it in such a vengeful way that it became, literally, a curse. And the first one I have cast at that. I was unsettled but shook it off. I figured, it was just part of it. Emotion is highly effective in charging spells, though, I use multiple energy sources in my spells these days.
Anyway, I need to spit this out, and maybe this is the entire purpose of the post, to expose myself so that everything can finally be cleared from my slate, in some vicarious way, the spell, I believe, had rebounded. Now, I had programmed in an anti-rebound into the spell because I’ve had spells rebound before and it’s never nice. But it seems since I programmed this anti rebound in, the energy came back to me in an unusual way. Instead of making him monogamous, it seems to have instead brought out the parts of me that are actually polyamorous, is trying to help me through my blocks that made me feel unloveable and unworthy, and in general making me reconsider the entire damn thing on my own end. Hilarious right?
I figured, in the end, I have to decide whether I am okay with this. I can cancel the spell if necessary, I always program in end-spells too. Spell work is complex business. And this was probably the most complex I cast so I am not entirely surprised it did rebound. At least it didn’t rebound in a negative way. It could certainly be worse than Jezebel and Lilith deciding to front way more and end up attracting loads of men to me in their own dominating way to make me feel loved, secure, and protected. Whilst, ironically, actually making me feel closer to my Daddy. How does that work? I don’t know. But I’m thinking right now, maybe it was just meant to rebound. I have a theory about that, because I drew a tarot card which I ascertained at the time meant I needed to be patient and have a change in perspective. I just checked right now which card this was and yes, it was the Hanged Man. That would make a lot of sense. I believe, I failed to take into account the active nature of drawing a card as part of the spell in influencing it, and so instead of the proceeding spell wanting me to do what I wanted, the Hanged Man actually propelled it into the more advisory direction instead, which, in this case, was entirely the opposite, lol. So I believe this is where I went wrong. I ignored the card. And this is a beginners mistake, as I have only just started using my own deck of cards, seeing as I haven’t been able to get away with it before in my current religiously suffocating household.
But this, this is what I need to get off my conscience. And I haven’t told him, and I don’t know if he will read this and find out this way. I guess I have to bare my soul either way. I need to get it off my chest, because it’s an experience that just, well, went entirely just not how I expected or initially desired, but in the process has changed me, I feel, at least for the present moment, in a positive way. I am exploring new parts of me I have not before. I am learning about myself, and going through a period of, I don’t know, how would Jung say it? Individuation.
Having a dissociative disorder makes this stuff real difficult sometimes. Add a few demonic alters and the power of magick and you have a potent mix on your hands. And yet – I know I’m a good person deep down. Just conflicted and trying to sort my shit out. And me, we, are in the process of doing that. It turns out, I’m not averse to using black magick, it just also turns out, sometimes the answer or outcome just isn’t how you expect it.
Does this mean I’m really polyamorous? Oh I have no clue, I have been back and forth on that question for ten damn years. I can’t make up my mind. Sometimes, it feels natural. Other times, not so much. Maybe these are just the different parts of me trying to have their say.
All I know is, I am going through a massive heart-healing right now, especially in regards to the masculine principle, and with my connection and communication with The God. His energy is healing me, through all these men who are drawn to, what seems to be, this succubus-like energy in me, the Lilith, as I will call it for now, as I am not really sure. The God is uniting the male and female principles within me and I’m really feeling like for the first in my life, I may not be half a person. I may actually be a whole person, lol.
Maybe this is the essence of twin flame connections and relationships. Through all the energy and intensity, finding your own wholeness within. I mean, it was always there, it was just never realised.
So what now? I have no idea. I, we, are in a process of rediscovering. And maybe this Christmas travel abroad was never meant to happen in the first place, as I’ve been so ill anyway. It looks like, my Daddy will be travelling to me next instead. And maybe, maybe that’s just the way it’s meant to be.
Because I pray and I pray and I pray, always for guidance and inspiration and advice, and this looks like it’s my path ahead for the time being. And as long as I’m myself, my true self, and stay true to that, I should find myself where I am meant to be, in the end.
Patroness of: Vehement, unwavering belief, female sovereigns and queens, the old religion, fertility, cult practice and ceremony, female aggression, hunger (for power, luxury and excess), domineering wives, ruthlessness, rebirth, rejuvenation.
Few women are so demonised in the bible as Jezebel – daughter of the Phoenician queen. She is power at its wildest, upon the boundary of totalitarian and madness – but so, too, comes an unmatched resourcefulness. She is a being of excess – bountifully overflowing with wealth, splendour and rage. She is the ruling tempest, the pagan maelstrom – nature, gnashing at the walls and striking like lightning at the very foundation at the shrine of Yahweh. She is the jury, judge and executioner – her word is law. And with an army at her beck and call, she constructed a heathen kingdom in the “Holy Land.”
Call upon her for: Leadership, ruthlessness, control, justice, decimation of doubt, domination, fertility, fruitfulness, wealth, financial gain, cult ceremony and worship of the old gods.
“Take what you want and destroy anyone who stands in your way.”
Symbols: The star of Astarte and the crown
Average planetary orbital period through the zodiac:
Moon – 27 days
Mercury – 88 days
Venus – 7.5 months
Mars – 1.9 years
Ceres – 4.6 years
Jupiter – 11.9 years
Saturn – 29.5 years
Uranus – 84 years
Neptune – 164.8 years
Pluto – 248 years
Eris – 557.6 years
Average planetary duration through each constellation:
Moon – 2.3 days
Mercury – 7 days
Venus – 19 days
Mars – 57 days
Ceres – 4.6 months
Jupiter – 1 year
Saturn – 2.5 years
Uranus – 7 years
Neptune – 13.7 years
Pluto – 20.6 years
Eris – 46.5 years