Absolution

Wet, wet eyes, wet kitten
Triggered in sentimental reaction
Photochemicals firing in response to delicate repression, regression

Rejection, it pursues me
Honed deep within as a calcified babe
Bang! The empty casing falls to the floor
And my heart drops through the marbled tiles with it

I’m fallen, it’s true
Kicked out the opalescent gates of paradise
I don’t belong, who am I deceiving?

Hades is my Father,
His deathly silence and ghastly peace in the parched shrubbery
And the river of oblivion consuming all whom stumble by

I’m entombed within deprivation
Within the shadows of crinkly autumn leaves which fell with me
Enclosed in hopes and dreams
And promises which I know not whether they’ll be

I remember when I met the raven with a broken wing,
Long black hair and forlorn oriental eyes
I wanted to nurse him in my arms and stitch his wound as my own
But I was too preoccupied with my own deformity

And like that deformity I am wasted on recovery
Always in sight but always out of reach
Taunting me, cruelly
How do I deserve amnesty
When I am but a carcass drained by the earth-worms beneath me?

May I find Grace
Wherever She is
That I may be worthy to devour the scraps from her dining table
And find absolution.

Narcolepsy Results, Identifying as Faerie-kin, and Revisiting Psychological Multiplicity

I finally have my narcolepsy results! I totally forgot I meant to write them up here, it’s been so long since I was promised the sleep exam but I finally had it and received the answers on that end. I don’t have narcolepsy, both the spinal tap and the sleep exam negates it, but I have been told despite that I have an undiagnosed sleep condition, as my sleep latency (average time to fall asleep) was just under six minutes during the test when the average person has a sleep latency of twenty minutes.

So that confirms at least that I do have some sleep disorder even if they don’t know what it is. I have an appointment next month to discuss medication possibilities to keep me awake, which I am really excited about and have been waiting for such a long time. Falling asleep constantly when trying to do something restful (despite getting a full night’s sleep!) is such a pain, it really prevents me from doing stuff like reading and studying. If this medication works I will actually be able to have more of a life again. I would love to study botany or other witchy things from home whilst recovering on the end of my general chronic fatigue disorder (which may or may not be adrenal insufficiency, I am still waiting on seeing the Endocrinologist for that). Oh I also had a blood test last week to test my T3 and T4 thyroid levels for the first time, so that should finally rule out hypothyroidism (or confirm it perhaps), and I will write those up once I know too.

Besides that I have been able to reduce my hydrocortisone dose by 5mg, I am not sure if my adrenals were waking up or what but I felt like I was getting stronger and didn’t need to be on the same dose, so I lowered it and I’ve been doing really good, so something positive must be happening there. I am walking most days, maybe a couple of miles, and swimming a few laps once a week or so. It feels great to be using my muscles again and to be feeling more toned as well. I haven’t really lost weight despite eating healthy now and exercising more, but I do feel like I look much more toned than before which is nice. As for my diet I don’t know if I mentioned it in previous posts but I have given up all these foods which didn’t agree with me: Gluten, dairy, cocoa, coffee, and alcohol. Plus that I am now mostly a vegan so I rarely eat meat anymore (maybe once every few months when it can’t be helped).

So I am living very healthy and feeling healthier than ever, even healthier than before I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I had no idea how to take care of myself and my body properly back then so I was suffering a lot anyway in other ways such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, panic attacks, and eczema, among others. Diet change has mostly taken a lot of that away, besides the anxiety which is due to post traumatic stress disorder instead. Though it has had a general anti-depressive effect.

Besides all that I am really feeling much more in tune with myself spiritually these days, I have made a lot of spirit friends: Déa, Hecate, Aphrodite, Gaia, Cerberus, Dragon, Jaguar, Hawthorn, Blackthorn, Willow, Lavender, and Rose, mostly as my regulars. Then I have made other spirit friends who are not regulars. And some are shifting like Aphrodite who didn’t want to be a regular but was still happy to help me for a little.

I think all these spirit friends of mine have been helping me realise more of who I am and I’ve come to the conclusion that besides being an incarnated Pleiadian I’m also an incarnated faerie. Maybe I was a Pleiadian and a faerie at the same time but I think I have also been just a faerie here on Earth too. I feel really connected to the faeries especially when I’m in nature, it feels like home to me and I’ve been getting dysphoria where I feel like I should have faerie wings but I don’t.

I can’t remember how I started thinking I was maybe a faerie. I think the first time I felt it was during Beltane last year. I did a ritual to enter their world but didn’t hear much of them after that. But I noticed there was always this faerie presence around me. When I recently inquired as to who it was Hecate actually stepped up and said she is a Faerie Queen and that I had been feeling her influence and it was a result of being part of the fae myself. I know in mythology there is not much written about Hecate’s connection with the fae but it makes sense to me as they are considered to live underground and Hecate is an underworld Goddess.

My connection with Hecate has also been a little on and off. I thought maybe she had left me just like Diana but she returned which I was really grateful for. I think maybe she was busy or just wanted me to explore other things in my life, both spiritual and love related since I met my Daddy. I had a feeling she might return though and she did, but she is as intense as ever and has me questioning and learning everything I possibly can. Including the faerie thing, but also other parts of my identity especially related to the Daddy Dom/Little girl dynamic which she interestingly approved of.

She has also stepped up as a domestic Goddess for me. I know by now she’s not a jealous goddess but I am not sure if she does just want me to solely work with her as a manifestation of Déa as Dark Mother. I have yet to ask her. But she is showing me again the dark is not something to be feared but rather something to be integrated. Her darkness shines and is like light itself which is fit for She who is Daughter of Darkness and Stars.

Speaking of deities Hecate is my sole focus right now, but her influence has had me meeting new parts of me, or possible parts that were always there but I never paid attention to as a result of my trauma. Of course the main focus in this arena of multiplicity is my inner child, which I am exploring with the Dd/Lg dynamic. My inner child is mostly about five years old but has other ages too. I consider her an integrated whole in her own right, whom sometimes fluctuates in age expression now and again.

Besides that is my animus who has popped up again. I believe this is due to my acknowledgement and hence healing of the Divine Masculine in myself. I think he manifests as sage, father, lover, and boy. The sage aspect I only just came to learn of recently during an active imagination session during therapy where he just kinda popped up as a humble old man. Maybe more like a grandfather figure. Obviously the father aspect is what I’m working on mostly right now with my acknowledgement of Father God and also with the Daddy Dom dynamic going on with me.

I believe though that the healing of my inner father has made the animus as lover reappear, and with Daddy’s influence reflecting him inside me is causing a new inner integration of sorts. Then there is the little boy but I don’t really know him, I know he’s there but never really been a focus. Mostly my inner child is focused on me as a girl, which makes more sense since I was a young girl at one point, being of the female sex.

I am not sure yet whether to relate to these aspects all as one integrated whole as I do my inner child, my reasoning and intuition says I should, that that’s kinda the idea. I have an inner male and an inner female, and I am exploring both. My inner female or anima would be comprised of crone, mother, lover, and girl, much like the mirror image of my inner male.

I think beyond all that though, I am a spark of the Divine, and that God/Goddess is ultimately what is at my core. I won’t identify with it and say that makes me God/Goddess because that’s definitely not true (and definitely not healthy for the ego to identify that way, as I know from previous experience), but maybe one could call it the higher self.

All in all I have an interesting picture of myself building up lately. I have human parts and non human parts, archetypes and multidimensional soul pieces. I am Pleiadian, Faerie, Witch, Feline, Child, Male, Female, and Divine, all as one and yet separately. There are probably many more aspects I have not explored yet, but these currently are the focus.

So it is an interesting time in my life right now full of new explorations and revisiting old explorations shed in the light of new situations and I am enjoying it. I am feeling healthy and still as positive as ever. I am trying hardest ultimately to be the best version of myself and follow my joy and as much as is possible be an embodiment of the love I wish to see in the world. And hopefully with all my learning and exploration I will better be able to become the healer I know I was born one day to be.

Hecate’s Correspondences

Archetypes
Dark mother, grandmother, crone

Associations
Death, rebirth, transformation, wisdom, dreams, divination, prophecy, magick, witchcraft, transitions, psychopomp, protection, banishing, justice, guidance, midwife, healer, herbs, travel, warriors, athletes, hunters and herders

Symbols
Torches, crossroads, dark moon, dagger, rope, key, cauldron, crown

Animals
Dogs, horses, owls, snakes, dragons, polecats, boar, sheep, frogs, bats, red mullets

Plants
Willow, yew, almond, blackthorn, hazel, cypress, sandalwood, lavender, mint, garlic, dandelion, cyclamen, patchouli, myrrh, saffron, poppy, mugwort, hellebore, belladona, hemlock, mandrake, wolfsbane, aconite

Offerings
Bread, eggs, cheese, garlic, cake, honey, olive oil

Stones
Tourmaline, obsidian, hematite, jet, onyx

Colours
Black, purple, red, white/silver

Elements
Earth, water, air, fire, spirit

Festivals
August 13, November 16

Days
Monday, Saturday

Times
Midnight

Common Epithets of Hecate

A to Z

Adonaia – Of the Underworld
Apotropaios – Averter of Evil
Atalos – Tender, Delicate
Brimo – Angry One
Chthonia – Of the Earth
Despoina – Mistress of the House
Enodia – Of the Path
Erodia – Gatekeeper
Kleidouchos – Key Bearer
Kourtrophos – Nurturer of Children
Krokopeplus – Draped in Saffron
Lampadios – Torch Bearer
Nycteria – Of the Night
Ourania – Heavenly
Perseis – Destroyer
Phosphorous – Light Bearer
Propolos – Attendant, Guide
Propylaia – One Before the Gate
Scylacitis – Protector of Dogs
Soteira – Saviour
Trimorphis – Three Formed
Trivia – Of the Three Ways

GF Vegan Cupcakes

Ingredients

1 + 3/4 cup gluten free all purpose flour
200g sugar
1 + 1/4 tsp baking soda
1 cup plant based milk
2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup vegan butter
1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 tsp xanthem gum

Method

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F (180°C).

2. Sift the flour into a mixing bowl and add the sugar, baking soda, xanthem gum, and salt and mix together.

3. Add the plant milk, vegan butter, and vinegar and mix using a hand whisk until all the lumps are gone.

4. Line a cupcake tray with 12 cupcake liners and pour the batter into them evenly.

5. Place into the oven and bake for 50 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the centre comes out clean.

6. Transfer the cupcakes to a cooling rack and allow to cool.

Felo De Se

I muse among the maze of my life, only able to ever check behind, but never ahead.

And besides me is a force that taunts, a non-corporeal torment. Ephemeral reminder of my own fragility.

And mirrors surround me. All I see is my own pitiful state. My eyes are sunken, my skin pale. I am in a chronic state of exhaustion and sickness.

Above there is a luminosity but it is so far unreachable. I can only stare and pretend it has meaning, when it has none for my reality.

And the creature besides me covered in wispy thorns, bleeding ichor from his own afflictions and living in perpetual self-torment, he is the tarnished silver glaring back at me. He is my rage.

There is no way to flee such dread, and I have only the ability to make choice based on luck. And fate makes it appear that I never choose the right one.

This ugly apparition in front of me, whom is me, opens his mouth and a silent screech emerges, the sound lost in an agonising inability to express.

Starlight above, why torment me further with reverie and stupor for something that will never be? Stop with your deceptions and fleeting fancies. I am not of you.

I am lone and frigid, on this journey with none but my own distress.

I am sorry, just leave me to curl up beneath the endless bushes and make a nest of morbidity for myself here. I shall eat the dirt and insects and survive from the sap of toxic browned ferns which surround me.

Calcify me, until I am entombed within eternity. This will be my escape, my legacy.

And one day when the tectonic plates have shifted yet again and the sea swallows up the land, I will be washed ashore to some foreign place and be worshipped as one of old, fallen from grace.

And so I will continue on in the impressions of all, not as any real thing living, but something which woefully passed away.

Wild Edible British Flowers

A to Z:

Alexanders
Season: Spring
Edible parts: Flowers, young leaves, stalks, seeds
Photo ID: Alexanders

Common Daisy
Season:  Summer
Edible parts: Flowers, young leaves
Photo ID: Common daisy

Common Yarrow (in moderation)
Season: Autumn
Edible parts: Flowers, leaves
Photo ID: Common yarrow

Dandelion
Season: Spring
Edible parts: Flowers, leaves, stem, root (dried)
Photo ID: Dandelion

Elder (in moderation)
Season: Summer
Edible parts: Flowers, berries (cooked)
Photo ID: Elder flowers

Garlic, wild
Season: Spring
Edible parts: Flowers, leaves
Photo ID: Wild garlic

Herb Robert
Season: Spring
Edible parts: Flowers, leaves, root (dried)
Photo ID: Herb robert

Milk Thistle
Season: Summer
Edible parts: Flowers, seeds (dried), leaves, young stalks, root
Photo ID: Milk thistle

Mullein
Season: Summer
Edible parts: Flowers, leaves (cooked)
Photo ID: Mullein

Primrose, wild
Season: Spring
Edible parts: Flowers, leaves
Photo ID: Wild primrose

Sweet Violet
Season: Spring
Edible parts: Flowers, leaves
Photo ID: Sweet violet

White Clover
Season: Summer
Edible parts: Flowers, young leaves
Photo ID: White clover

Wood Sorrel (in moderation)
Season: Spring
Edible parts: Flowers, seed pods, leaves
Photo ID: Wood sorrel

(List in progress)

The Dianic Wheel of the Year

Hallowmas (Samhain) – 31st of October
The Deepening: The Goddess descends into Herself entering the in the spirit world of the dreams time.

Winter Solstice (Yule) – 21st of December
The Conception: The Goddess is not physically giving birth to a new human being, but as Crone begins to leave the physical world in order to conceive Herself as daughter of light, so the new life-cycle can start again.

Imbolc (Candlemas) – 1st February
The Awakening: The Goddess, after conceiving Herself, evolves into the Maiden form. This is also the time for initiations into The Dianic Tradition.

Spring Equinox (Ostara) – 21st of March
The Emergence: The Spring Maiden, reborn from the earth, emerges from the winter, exploding into an epiphany of flowers and green hills, symbol of life in all its glory.

May Eve (Maiden Fire) – 1st of May
The Menarche, The Flowering: The Maiden is initiated into women’s mysteries through the menarche, her first blood. The passion awakes and the girl becomes a young woman.

Summer Solstice (Litha) – 21st of June
The Union: The Goddess, as young woman, after having experienced the joy of the union with the creative self, sexual and sensual, becomes pregnant of Her own creations. This season marks the transition from the Virgin to the Mother, creatrix and giver of life.

First Harvest (Lammas) – 1st of August
The Ripening: The Great Mother is honored as supporter of life and giver of nutriment for Her daughters and their sons.

Fall Equinox (Modron) – 21st of September
The Descent: The Great Mother has completed Her creative process and now she stops bleeding, beginning her physical transition to the Crone and preparing herself to descent into the spirit world.

– Taken from The Dianic Wheel of the Year (Sabbats)