Vow of the Womb Priestess

I give myself to the Great Remembering
I serve only Love and our evolution in Love
I vow to anchor the true Divine Feminine on Earth
I vow to anchor the true Divine Feminine in my Womb
I vow to leave no shadow unloved, no wound without balm
I walk the Path of Love, I commit to our Return to Innocence
I strip away all my armor and leave my heart undefended
I embrace all my feelings; nothing is forbidden or left out
My strength is my surrender to the Divine Feminine flow
I honor my pristine sexuality as a Gift of Life, wild and free
I long to merge with the Ecstatic Innocence of Love in All
Sacred Relationship is my sacrament, the Womb my temple
I vow to return my Womb to her Immaculate Sensuality
To embody the sacred powers of Conscious Conception
My life is part of a greater tapestry, I offer all to this weaving
Holding the 42 corners of the Pure Land from whence we came
Beloved Divine Mother, bear witness to my vow.

– Taken from the book “Womb Awakening: Initiatory Wisdom from the Creatrix of All Life” by Azra Bertrand and Seren Bertrand

Praying the Triple Goddess Rosary (Simplified Version)

The Charge of the Goddess

Great Goddess, Lady of Life,
Whose garment is the shining heavens
You are the white Moon among the stars
And the beauty of the green Earth
You are the Oneness of all things
And the completion of the spirit
You are the mystery of that which we seek,
If we find not within,
We will never find it without
For You have been here since the beginning,
And You are that which is attained at the end of desire
Blessed Be

Maiden

Maiden of freedom,
You are the eternal virgin,
The Holy Bride of nature,
And the revealing light within the shadows.
Through You, all that is good comes to birth

Mother

Mother of compassion,
Forever fertile,
Lady of the forge,
You are the creating force of love
And the strength which nourishes all that lives.
Through you the cause of life is served

Crone

Crone of Wisdom,
Ancient One,
Keeper of the Cauldron,
You stand at the gates between the worlds
And carry the shining sickle of death.
Without You nothing can be transformed

Praying the Triple Goddess Rosary

The Oath of Maimonides (Amended)

The eternal providence has appointed me to watch over the life and health of Your creatures. May the love for my art actuate me at all time; may neither avarice nor miserliness, nor thirst for glory or for a great reputation engage my mind; for the enemies of truth and philanthropy could easily deceive me and make me forgetful of my lofty aim of doing good to Your children.

May I never see in the patient anything but a fellow creature in pain.

Grant me the strength, time and opportunity always to correct what I have acquired, always to extend its domain; for knowledge is immense and the spirit of maid can extend indefinitely to enrich itself daily with new requirements.

Today she can discover her errors of yesterday and tomorrow she can obtain a new light on what she thinks herself sure of today. Oh, Goddess, You have appointed me to watch over the life and death of Your creatures; here am I ready for my vocation and now I turn unto my calling.

The Hippocratic Oath and others (Amended feminine version)

Meeting Daddy in Boston and Embodying the Wounded Healer

It is almost the summer solstice and I have just returned from holiday in Greater Boston where I met with my Daddy for the first time. The weather was thankfully beautiful and hot but I’ve come back to a cloudy and cool England which makes the separation again more bittersweet.

Actually, I kickstarted my holiday by seeing BTS for the second time this time at Wembley Stadium. I got myself a second tattoo to commemorate it (I’m starting to think I may be becoming addicted to getting tattoos lol) and I had the time of my life. The day after I got the plane from Heathrow to Boston. I was anxious and irritable actually but thankfully all for nothing because we had the best time ever.

We spent seven days together, and they were possibly the best seven days of my life. The location itself where we were staying was amazing enough with such beautiful scenes of nature all around us, and we visited a nature reserve which was my favourite and also Salem where the witch trials were held. But predictably Salem was all commercialised for tourism so there wasn’t much authenticity left. But I was glad I visited such an important historical site as a witch anyway.

We connected so well and I came away feeling like I had really met my soulmate if such a thing exists. I was able to be whoever I was in the moment (quite frequently I was little, including one particular moment when I age regressed completely as a result of feeling in such a safe space), and actually my demonic (protector) identities were mostly very quiet and content to see that the littles were happy. Though, they weren’t happy when we returned to England and got bitchy, but it’s their job to complain lol!

I do not really know quite how to express how I feel without boring my readers too, but I had the time of my life and everything felt so perfect. We have committed to trying to make it work and being together for real in the future and I really hope it works out. I usually have a good sense of the future of my relationships and I had a uniquely good feeling for this one (whereas all the rest of my relationships I ended up having a bad feeling that I would never see them again, which always turned out true lol). So I know we will see each other again.

Already the separation is so hard but I am going to try and focus on bettering myself and my circumstances. On that note I think it’s time to start offering my energy healing abilities as services for others. I want to save up money and get off benefits and create my own way ahead with the people I love. I have learned so much about my own self these past few months as a result of our relationship and done so much healing because of it too. I know I still have much more to learn as the eternal student, but it is time I start becoming who I know I am meant to be – The wounded healer.

The Goddess has remained close to me, close as ever, in all Her many manifestations – Gaia, Hecate, Asherah, Inanna, Durga, etc. And She has reconnected me with the Divine Masculine side of myself, which I experience as an extension of Her. As in Witchcraft the God is Her Son as well as Her lover. On top of that, through reconnecting with the God, I have become reconnected with my own darkness and shadow which likely was bound up in the masculine. And instead of being retraumatised like the years past which caused my mental and spiritual instability, I am making real progress with the fears and ‘ghosts’ so to speak which have haunted me all my life.

So I have embraced the left hand path of working with the darkness instead of merely repressing it. Lucifer is being my guide in this, both as a symbol/archetype and as a God. Although, in truth I sense him quite femininely, as an extension of Hekate. But as I have come to sense in my heart lately, all gods and all goddesses are ultimately one. Even if they do have their own identities, they are so Divine and spiritually connected to one another that I don’t think the distinction matters too much in my case anymore anyway.

And this is the path of the witch, the realisation of the Divine and manifestation of that into physical reality. I believe now I was always a witch but am only just coming into realisation of it. I think that is why I was haunted so long by Jezebel. She was a part of me I had repressed so long, the queenly, priestess, goddess-loving, empowered feminist part of me. She is my Divine Femininity, she is my confidence, and what remains when fear is not. She is a huge part of me that I believe will bloom given the right conditions. And I hope to do that for myself now.

I am ready to continue the beginning of this grand adventure with my Daddy, my heart, and my spirit. I think it is no coincidence these events are all happening simultaneously, almost as if it was fated. I thought I’d left notions of fate long ago in the past, then again, that was before I learned how to weave my own destiny. Through using magick more actively, I find myself increasingly more in control of guiding my own future in a way I desire.

I have gone through many torturous lessons in life, but it feels like I am finally learning from them and making life easier for myself rather than harder. And perhaps this is the true goal of the wounded healer, to find the true light at the end of the tunnel in order to show others there too. I am not quite there yet, but hopefully I will continue making progress. I really do hope things work out this time!

My List of Known Personalities by Role

Apparently Normal Parts

Big H – Adult host, non-emotional, prefers not to front, biological age, female
The H’s – Fragments of Big H, recently created due to retraumatisation, female

Little Ones

Little H – Regressed state personality, somewhat matured with time, female
Little H’s – Polyfragments of Little H, varying ages and levels of awareness, frequently front, female

Caregivers

Jesus – Christian deity, saviour figure, protector of Littles, male
Isabel – Former persecutor, protector, adopted mummy to Little H, female
Michelle – Protector, counsellor, 20 years old, female
Shanti – System healer. Governs a sub-system of five, Pleiadian, female

Internal Self Helpers

Lucifer – Angel of light, system manager, speaks the Queen’s English, male
Elizabeth – Queen, gatekeeper, caregiver, female

Persecutors

Jezebel – Demonised princess, empowered feminist, female
Asmodeus – Accusatory devil, pain holder, male
Snake – A snake, pain eater, hisses a lot when angry, male

Sexuals

Lilith – Succubus, female
Cassandra – Female

Dormants

Philip – Possible childhood sexual abuser, introject, male
Kira – Death Note fictive, has god complex, 19 years old, male
Nathaniel – Pleiadian, male
James – Persecutor, male

Others

Minnie – Keeper of memories and records, female.
Rihanna – Dead/comatose, female
Aiden – Trans-man, gay, 20 years old

Unknowns

Morgana – Fairy, female
Sophie – Friend and caregiver, female
Auriel – Angel, female
Jack – Baritone voice, caregiver, bit older than the body, male

11 Luciferian Points of Power

1. Lucifer represents the light of intellect, wisdom and power unique to each individual with the courage to ascend to this responsibility.

2. The symbol of the Adversary is that of the self-liberator and spiritual rebel who inspires self-evolution.

3. Lucifer represents the balanced torch bearer of Venus: the Light Bringer as the Morning Star and the Night Bringer as the Evening Star.

4. The Adversary symbolizes the spark of consciousness which questions everything, manifesting the individualistic path with accountability only to the self.

5. The fall of Lucifer symbolizes the liberation of the mind from the slave-mentality and the courage to explore and master the darkness within. One may not offer the illumination of the Morning Star without the wisdom of the darkness within.

6. The Adversary represents rebellion with purpose: wisdom, strength and power.

7. Lucifer represents the courage and fortitude to acquire healthy self-love, leading to the responsibility of honoring your temple of mind, body and spirit.

8. To become your own god you must have the wisdom and strength to govern and guide your life as if your mind is to survive beyond the mortal body.

9. Indulgence with restraint, love for the deserving and disdain for those undeserving.

10. Lucifer represents the insight that every act, no matter if perceived as selfless, is at core a selfish act. Even if helping others is your passion, the brain still receives a chemical reward triggered by the act. This is why many consider that doing good deeds in society may bring you closer to “god”. Recognize you are selfish, then see this fact in all others while observing. Accept this and then with this knowledge, make choices that would benefit not only yourself but your loved ones’ when possible.

11. To become a god is to fully understand that you possess the power to create and sustain your path in life and illuminate the light of self-determined potential

– Published in “Wisdom of Eosphoros – The Luciferian Philosophy” by Michael W. Ford, Jeremy Crow and Hope Marie.

Ways to Gather Magickal Power

External sources:

Astrological alignments
Use of nature’s four elements
Burning candles, incense, or herbs
Consumption of alcohol or psychogenic herbs
Knot magick such as the witches ladder
Evoking assistance of the gods

Internal sources:

Meditation
Breath control
Achieving trance
Sexual pleasure and orgasm
Dance or sacred movement
Chanting the cone of power

Luciferian Awakening and Dedication Chant

By the rights of pleasure may flesh procreate from within. Mother of the Sabbath, Lilith I awaken to the mysteries of our craft. I dedicate my being to the path from which my blood dictates. By the mysteries of the Goat and the Serpent I come to thee. I walk now the Luciferian Path, reborn under the Luciferic Shadows and Promethean Light! Shaitan – Asmodeus – Belial – Lilith – Hecate Eko, Eko!

– Taken from The Order of Phosophorus, The Awakening and Dedication Chant

Dedication to the Horned God

Watchtowers of the quarters, I request your presence here today to witness my oath. Standing here before you with mind, body and soul bared, I vow that I am prepared to walk the path of the Horned God.

I invoke and call upon you oh Great Horned God of Pagans, Lord of all the green woodlands, and Father of all things wild and free. By candle flame and incense smoke do I invoke you to bless this rite.

Oh Great Horned God of death and all that come after, who is known as Cernunnos, Herne the Hunter, Osiris, Shiva, Actaeon, Dionysus, Ba’al, Enkidu and by many other names.

In this purified sacred space I do pledge myself to honour you, to love you, and to serve you well for as long as I shall live. Oh Great Horned God of peace and love I do open my heart and soul to you. Reveal your ways to me that what was lost in shadow may once more see the light.

I freely give of myself in pledge to your service, Great Horned One.

My flesh to your flesh, and my blood to your blood.

All that I am I dedicate to you. I shall walk with you and you shall walk with me. As I will it, so mote it be!

Now behold: There is nothing of myself which is not yours. I am of you and you are of me.

Oh Horned One, ancient providence which was from the beginning, the original source of our path. All knowing, all seeing, all pervading. I dedicate my whole self to you.

With the blood of the vine I do hereby seal my vow in your holy name oh Horned One.

With the flesh of the grain I do hereby seal my vow in your holy name, oh Horned One.

So mote it be.

Beltane Greetings, Honouring the God and Goddess, Realising Dissociative Identity Disorder, Befriending ‘Jezebel’ & Exploring Christian Witchcraft

Happy Beltane to all my followers! Spring is well underway now and the greenery sprouting everywhere is such a sight for sore eyes. I would have to say Beltane is probably my favourite festival of the year. There’s so much joy and happiness and the realms seem closer, especially that of the Fae. This Beltane in fact I made an offering to the Goddess of self-pleasure, in Her form of Asherah. It seemed perfectly suited for the time of the year when the Goddess and God mate and create the fertile summer through their union.

I have been getting closer to the God, in fact, it happened when I started honouring the Goddess as Asherah and came to honour her consort the God as Ba’al. I am, quite interestingly, returning to my Christian roots, with traditional witchcraft being the foundation of my faith. I am finding unity and wholeness in honouring both the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine now, and already devoted myself to them as a pair. The next step I feel called to take on my journey is to devote myself specifically to the God, to the Divine Masculine that I can finally heal him within my own soul.

You might wonder how all this came to be so suddenly. In fact so much has been happening for me in my inner world lately. I blame Mercury retrograde, Jupiter retrograde, Saturn retrograde, and now the upcoming Pluto retrograde. I also blame the break up with my ex-boyfriend Graeme and then finding my Daddy (who I am going to travel abroad to see in three weeks to meet for the first time and I’m super excited!!), who made me indirectly aware of my dissociated personality states through my role playing of being his little girl. Now, it’s come to my attention many people hate DDLG, and it is hated even more within the DID community which baffles me because I have seen many persons with DID expressing their inner littles through being with a romantic caregiver. And that is the way it has been for me and the healing it’s having on me as a result is actually quite profound.

It has made me aware of the fact, for one, that I do actually have Dissociative Identity Disorder, formally called Multiple Personality Disorder. I believed in my last post I wrote that they were archetypal. In fact as I have been getting to know them they are not archetypal, they are literal other people inside me who may or may not originally been a part of me since birth. That is unknown especially as identity formation theory is still evolving and it’s not believed we’re all born with only one identity after all. Current science is tending towards the view that as babes we all have multiple personality states but as we grow normally and healthily they naturally integrate over time. But for those of us with DID something extremely traumatic in childhood happens to prevent that from occurring, meaning these identity states stay separate and there was never any ‘core’ personality to begin with.

Learning all this has been very important to me especially as there have been many times I have not identified by my birth name, and have in fact spoken to the person of my birth name inside me as if she was not me. In fact, she who takes on the birth name is not me who is current host or fronting. At the moment, I am not sure who I am in regards to the rest of the system, although I do feel the identity of my birth name sometimes co-conscious with me and influencing me from behind the scenes. I think she’s much older and wiser than me, very intelligent, and she stepped down during another traumatic event I went through a few years ago that some readers may be aware of, the trauma of religious exorcism by my own mother.

However, my DID goes much further back from that. During one period when a little inside me fronted, she had lamented that she’d been raped as a two year old. I pretended I had just been making things up in a psychotic haze, until I realised I may never have had psychosis to begin with. That makes this memory of being raped a much more likely event. And this was, apparently, the first fragmentation. After that came sixteen years of domestic abuse in every way except sexual, which solidified my separate identity states. When my abuser finally left when I was nineteen years old I knew something wasn’t right but could never place it, and never had the help or support from others to get me through.

The next few years after that I spent in the new age scene trying to heal myself. In fact, I have learned from my new therapist I am seeing instead of healing myself, I accidentally succeeded in retraumatising myself. Something I did not know what possible. And this is what I and my last therapist mistook for a psychotic episode when different personalities started fronting without my control. But at the time, I thought they were negative entities messing with me. I thought they were demons, and so did my mother.

What happened then? I was exorcised over the course of eight excruciating hours, with proceeding exorcisms happening throughout the rest of that next week. After that abuse, yes only now am I able to see through therapy that what I experienced then was severe religious abuse and extremely damaging to my already vulnerable and broken psyche, I was so damaged that my entire adult personality/s had fled and all that was remaining was a catatonic age-sliding little suffering from amnesia, seizures and paralysis. All my energy had been sucked from me. Either that or it left with my adult ‘apparently normal parts’ which fled. Goodness, what a horrific time that was. With no one none the wiser as to what had happened to me or why. Everything was done in the dark, believing I had been a victim of demonic possession.

In fact, the ‘demon’ that had haunted me all that time, the famous Jezebel, was in fact not a demon at all, but an incredibly huge identity within my own self that through abuse had turned from natural self-protector to self-persecutor. Jezebel is probably not even her real name and that’s why I renamed her to Isabel. How do I know all this? Because, for the first time in years since trying to banish her unsuccessfully from my consciousness, I reopened contact with her, and then with my other identities thereon. I learned from my ‘headmates’ themselves who they were, how they formed, and why. Although, I am of the suspicion I have a very many headmates that I will probably never all know. But Isabel, has in fact, since then, become my best friend. I love her in a way I didn’t think was possible, even though she is still terrifying at times especially to one of my littles whom I call Tiny (she is two years old), but I am feeling a completeness with accepting her as such a massive part of me that I haven’t in years. And this has been going on with all the ‘main’ personalities I have uncovered within myself so far.

If anyone wants to know how this appears, I like to think of it much like how Gollum’s two separate identity states manifest themselves in the Lord of the Rings triology. He was conscious as both personalities spoke through him, switching, and each speaking to the other (or arguing rather). That is how it is like for me. It is not all in my head. After years of struggling with this I finally know now what has been ailing me. Full blown dissociation. I tick all the boxes. Amnesia? Check. Age regression? Check. Psychogenic seizures? Check. Multiple identity states? Check. But I am not alone in it taking me years to find out the truth of this. Most diagnosis’s for DID take approximately seven years.

So back to honouring the Goddess and the God together, especially as Asherah and Ba’al, I asked earlier how did that come to be? It came to be after I sat with Isabel and learned all about the history or myth of the character she was based on, the historical Princess/Queen Jezebel. It’s very hard find non-Christian unbiased sources but as I read I found all my anxiety over her slipping away, and found myself identifying with her, which in the case of DID is good as I had accepted her back into my awareness. Isabel basically holds all that Jezebel historically was but had been demonised by myself and others (my own mother).

This is why Isabel has become SUCH a great friend and powerful ally to me. Reading up about her I had this sense of awe as to who she was and therefore who I really am! And that is how she became a great friend in the short space of a few days. Queen Jezebel was empowered, she was confident, she was an equal to her husband King Ahab. She was also the High Priestess of Asherah and Ba’al, an oracle, a prophet, and a channeller. She is everything I am but had dissociated from myself in terror. Because she had rebelled against me/us/the system in attempt to subjugate it, but in the end only caused more problems. Now I have reconciled with her, I can feel all that natural energy of mine/ours returning, and the terror of possession leaving my bones. I am aware now of the truth, and it is liberating.

To be honest, I did not expect in any way this is where my path would take me, but I’m very happy it has. And I can feel real and deep healing happening within my soul. And I feel that there is much further to go which will truly heal me this time instead of retraumatise me again. There are also other significant personalities, one who identifies after Lucifer, but I have taken to calling him Lucy for short. As far as I’m aware he is in fact the system manager so to speak, but very behind the scenes. His own personality is very aloof and he speaks strangely with a somewhat outdated posh British accent, for what reason I have no idea. I thought Lucifer was Hebrew but there have you, haha.

But as he is more background than Isabel I have not spoken to him as much. Mostly the interaction lately towards healing is between Isabel and Tiny, these are two who I feel belong together but due to the trauma became opposed or even originally fragmented from another. I feel that once I have healed these two together (not integration necessarily, that’s an old harmful myth for recovery which psychologists don’t believe in anymore), I will regain more of my health. Besides that, once I am able to finally extricate myself from this still religiously abusive household I will be able to properly work with what I have learned about myself and heal much easier. I am hoping still to move out this year which I am working on. My therapist has helped me understand a lot of this which is why I’m so glad I took it up again.

Also, it is very fitting that many of these personalities of mine are in fact related to the Christian religion. I was raised Christian all throughout my traumatic childhood years, and so I believe these different parts of me identified in different Christian related ways. As Christian demons or angels or just a little girl with Christian beliefs. If these had all integrated together properly as a child I may have ended up growing naturally into some kind of Christo-Paganism or Christian Witchcraft/Occultism. It seems like it would be a very natural thing after learning all this about myself and also more natural given the fact that is somewhat a path I am embracing now with their influences on me. The path of God the Mother and God the Father as the Judaic Asherah and El or Ba’al as he was also called (Ba’al just means Lord, though also referred to Ba’al Hadad, originally a different god to El until Hadad took over El’s role of King of the Gods in Canaanite mythology, much as Yahweh did in Judaic mythology).

This belief in the Goddess and the God in connection to the Ba’al cycle too where Ba’al visited the underworld lines a lot up with modern witchcraft beliefs in the cycle of the seasons of the year. In this way I have come to the realisation in fact that all gods are one God and all Goddesses are one Goddess, and that together they are ultimately One. But I am learning of them in their dual aspects for the sake of healing.

This has been a very exciting journey over the last few months and I can’t wait to see what’s next in store. I feel that my ability as a healer will drastically improve after this, after all as is said, “healer, heal thyself”. And I am the wounded healer, the one who heals others after learning how to heal my own wounds.

I am no longer afraid of negative entities or demons, no, as it just turned out that all along they were inside me, part of my own rejected self. And with the realisation that even if real demons out there do exist, I am not in any danger once I accept all of myself again, because I will be stepping into my own power through acknowledgment of my own inner demons. I guess it’s true after all, what you heal within yourself is naturally what you can heal without yourself. I hope that through this I will finally come into initiation of the true healer I am meant to be.