The Four Royal Stars of Persia or Watchers of the Four Cardinal Directions

Aldebaran

Names
Persian: Tascheter
Greek: Eurus
Roman: Vulturnus
Italian: Alpena
Norse: Austri
Christian: Raphael

Attributes
Constellation: Taurus
Ruling Planet: Venus
Direction: East
Season: Spring
Festival: Beltane
Element: Earth
Animal: Bull

Regulus

Names
Persian: Venant
Greek: Notus
Roman: Auster
Italian: Settrano
Norse: Sudri
Christian: Michael

Attributes
Constellation: Leo
Ruling Planet: Sun
Direction: South
Season: Summer
Festival: Lammas
Element: Fire
Animal: Lion

Antares

Names
Persian: Satevis
Greek: Zephyrus
Roman: Favonius
Italian: Meana
Norse: Vestri
Christian: Gabriel

Attributes
Constellation: Scorpio
Ruling Planet: Mars
Direction: West
Season: Autumn
Festival: Samhain
Element: Water
Animal: Snake

Fomalhaut

Names
Persian: Haftorang
Greek: Boreas
Roman: Aquilo
Italian: Tago
Norse: Nordri
Christian: Uriel

Attributes
Constellation: Aquarius
Ruling Planet: Saturn
Direction: North
Season: Winter
Festival: Imbolc
Element: Air
Animal: Eagle

Lammas’ Message For Me

Animal Magick Card Reveal

Mangrove Seed & Barnacles
“Mangroves prevent erosion, provide protection, and can filter out salt water. Their seeds can float for a year before finding the perfect place to set roots. They stand between land and sea. Duality, balance.”

Turtle Spirit
“Slow and steady wins the race. Turtle reminds you to just put one foot in front of the other and trust in your powers to manifest your intentions in perfect timing. Don’t rush around trying to force matters. Move slowly and take time to stay aligned with your intuition. Contemplate the road you’re on. Doing what you need to one small step at a time and stay aware. These are still crucial practices when moving toward your goal. Be patient. Focus on the now. Let the next step appear from the fog organically. Don’t push too hard or leave others in the dust. Feel water energy surround you and move forward with determination but steadiness. You have a strong shell, you are protected. No need to go fast. Do without doing and everything will get done. Simply be. The journey ahead of you is long but enjoy the view as you forge ahead.”

Celtic Tarot Card Spread

The Situation: Two of Coins
Juggling and balancing priorities: One coin is my daily life and the second coin in my spiritual life – Harmonising the two.

Help/Hindrances: Three of Cups
The Triple Goddess is with me, within me, I have integrated the Divine Feminine which is my guiding aid.

Subconscious Influence: Queen of Wands
An aspect of myself or alter that is pushing me to be better, pushing me to become my higher self by facing my shadows and transforming them into self-empowerment.

The Past: Six of Swords
I’m a refugee, having travelled and moved from a bad environment to a new better one. I went through a period of transition and life altering change.

My Goal: Three of Wands
To keep moving forward with the experience I have now to overcome any further challenges ahead of me, to have a clear vision and plan of attack for the future.

Possible Near Future: Queen of Coins Reversed & The Empress Reversed
Two cards that fell out when asking this question. First card speaks of focusing on my own finances and working to become independent through self-employment. Second card expands upon that by expressing this will be achieved through allowing my creativity and personal passions guide me, those things which are inevitably connected to focusing on my own healing through connecting to the natural world.

How I Affect the Situation: Eight of Wands
Quickening and movement after a period of struggle and being blocked. Enthusiastic energy and finally making strides towards my desires. Letting my passions propel me forward.

Effects of Others/The Environment: The Hierophant
Still in the right place for this stage of my journey, still the initiate, still learning, still being the student of my circumstances.

Advice: Ace of Wands
Follow my joy!

Possible Final Outcome: Death
Dying completely to my old self, becoming a new person in a new ‘reality’. Self-actualising.

My Interpretation

This shouts spiritual career to me, all of it, as it’s been on my mind for so many years. And in alignment with the message of Lammas, the message of harvest, the message here for me is that right now I’m beginning to reap the rewards of all the hard work I put in previously and now the real work can begin. And yet I am still not ‘fully ripened’, there are two more harvests and then a winter to go through, before the beginning of the new year. My life has always synced up perfectly with nature’s seasons and this will be no different. So I will take my time with this newly freed up energy, finding my foundation before I’m finally ready to begin what I was born to do.

I Came Out Officially as a Lesbian (the Whole World now Knows I’m Gay), Ending my Independent Studies into Gender Social Sciences and the Reason Why, and the Extraordinary Turning Point in my Mental and Physical Health Thanks to Starting Therapy Anew

It’s time for me to update. With the days nearing so close to Lammas or the first harvest, it seems appropriate that I am coming to a place of reaping everything that I’ve worked towards the last few months since moving out of my abusive family situation. In fact, August will be half a year since having lived on my own. Doesn’t time fly by?!

I did something incredible last week. I reactivated my Facebook under the advice of my brother who I’ve reconnected with for the first time since… well, ever, which is honestly wonderful, to join the lesbian social groups near me to test the waters and see if I meet anyone. Of course with the coronavirus situation right now there aren’t any meetups happening exactly, but if you read all of that again you’ll notice that yes, my brother knows now about my sexual orientation. Both him and my sister do. I was, so to speak, testing the waters out first, by suggesting it to them separately, and their responses were accepting and loving, and I think that’s what caused me to end up coming out completely to everyone.

So now, the entire world knows I’m gay! Whoo! No more living in the closet, no more secrets. I’m free to be me. I’m free to date who I want, and I’m so grateful for living in a country that despite my toxic family home protects LGBT people so that I’m not under any threat of pain or even death. I always remember that here in the west we and I am very lucky, because much of the world is still very much in the past, with women still existing as mere property and LGBT people being executed. I will never forget my brother and sisters in these countries, and I should live to the best of my ability for them, because I can. I also live for the witches who were my persecuted ancestors, who guide my path ahead, and cheer me on.

It’s been a very packed month for me, psychologically speaking. I feel like I may have been going through a rebirth, through much visitation of my past, both by myself and through my therapy sessions. I don’t know if I shared it previously, but I am seeing a new therapist now. If anyone is reading this I absolutely cannot stress enough the importance of therapy for anyone with mental health problems. There is a huge misunderstanding of them and stigma that lingers even in 2020, for some reason I’ve never been able to fathom myself. Because you know why? Therapists are doctors of the mind, and they are trained in the medicine to help you recover. I have never made so much progress in my life psychologically than when I’ve regularly seen a therapist, and this past month is no exception.

My therapist takes an approach with me called Somatic Experiencing, which is the reconnecting with the body on a level that, it seems to me, causing you to flashback to your traumas and properly process them through the process of re-association which was traded in at that moment in time for dissociation. I have to say, the flashbacks I don’t know if they’re the point of it, but it’s what I’ve been experiencing. This is how she told me she is approaching her goal of reintegrating my alters. I’ve not heard of such a process before and it has my curiosity peaked, not only that but it’s working. I believe these past 24 hours I’ve made more progress with ‘Asmodeus’ than I ever have in the last year since I realised I have a dissociative disorder.

Part of this interesting progress with ‘Asmodeus’ (I am putting quotes by his name as I feel this is a kind of alias this alter has gone by to protect himself, and actually is not called that, but I need confirmation first) has been a sudden realisation into my motivations behind my struggle in trying to understand and spending so much time and energy studying feminism and gender equality. You see, it was never about what I believe about other people (especially trans people, but they weren’t my only focus of study), it was never about me trying to understand how to properly validate their existence through reason and social science. So what was it about? Let me explain.

On July 8th I took a break from Twitter. I’ve always been a very avid Twitter user. Although my current Twitter account is only four years old, I’ve been on the side now for exactly a decade and it’s been my only source of comfort, acceptance, and love, in the whole of my life. For some reason, on there people have always gravitated towards me, and I’m not entirely sure why as everywhere else I feel like a misfit and that I don’t have any true belonging. Perhaps on Twitter I am just one of many misfits who relate with me.

Anyhow. When I came out as a lesbian first on social media and particularly Twitter, I struggled suddenly with a whole lot of invalidation. Other people from the LGBT community were against me and slurring me off with the word TERF, without even knowing who I am. This not only confused me, it depressed me, and made me feel as if I suddenly had no legs to stand on. The one place where I always felt safe, was suddenly a place I decidedly was not safe, all for being a lesbian.

So I decided to take that break, to try and get my thoughts together, and my feelings. I wanted to spend time studying all of this and figuring out what it is I actually believe about all these ideologies, and I told myself I wouldn’t return to Twitter until I’d done just that. So, since then, I’ve been reading many articles, asking some questions, watching lots of documentaries and documovies, learning a whole lot about feminism and its history, learning about the struggles of trans people, musing on the theory of gender, and even briefly poking my nose into the Men’s Right’s Movements. And all for what? To find myself spirally deeper and deeper into the rabbit of social sciences, with finding myself no closer to an answer.

I was determined however, and highly interested in the entire thing. I’ve dedicated almost an entire month of my life to this. Because let me tell you, without social media, you suddenly have a whole lot more hours in your day freed up. It’s amazing how much time I found myself suddenly having. But as I said, I was not much closer to an answer, until last night an inspired thought, the first of its kind, came from ‘Asmodeus’, after doing my nightly guided meditative body scan set by my therapist as homework. I really connected with something on a deeper level, but I also connected with the reason behind all of this…

I was searching for validation. I was projecting my need to find validation for myself by trying to find a reason to validate those others I had been so fervently studying for the last month. It was in fact nothing to do with them. It was all to do with me and my need to validate myself through validating those others who had invalidated me. It’s a bit messed up if you think about it, but that’s the truth of the situation, and that’s when I knew then and there that I have to stop this searching.

Therefore I am ceasing my gender studies, and I am ceasing my ‘need’ to have an answer, because the real need is that in fact I need to stop letting others invalidate me, and start to validate myself where I never was before. What other people in the LGBT community have to say or think about me no longer is any of my business. It’s madness to respond to invalidation by trying to validate my invalidators. Because in reality them and their opinions are nothing to do with my life, and my understanding of lack of such in relation to trans issues has nothing to do with the love and acceptance I hold in my heart regardless of their hate. But that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.

So here I am saying that I don’t have a fucking clue what gender means and you know what? I no longer fucking care, because it’s nothing to do with me. And even in relation to my own gender identity, the real issue is not in trying to understand or label myself, but merely just accepting who I am however that manifests and expresses itself. And that is all I need. Next time when some asshole online calls me a TERF, I will smile and ignore. I have nothing to prove. I won’t let my life be lived in fear as a result of anyone whether they be religious bigots or liberal bigots.

So that is that. Beyond that, as I’ve had so much time on my hands this last month, I’ve reconnected to a place inside myself that is very creative, and perhaps the first time in said last decade that I’ve felt so inspired. My spirituality is thriving once again, I’ve reconnected to the magick inside and around me, and I’ve felt really good and overcome the depression that was eating away at me. I also think this anti-depressive effect could be a result of the coconut oil I’ve been downing every day as a holistic treatment for my severe Gastritis and GERD (causing by a sliding hiatal hernia), which as it turns out doesn’t just heal stomach problems far better than H2 Blockers and PPI’s and antacids all combined, but also lifts mood, makes you feel energised, and amazingly burns fat (despite it being 100% saturated fat itself – I’ve lost four pounds in the last two weeks since I started it). Coconut is Mother Nature’s miracle to us.

In regards to my health overall, I have been making leaps and bounds more so to do with therapy. I have learned 10 years of diagnosed chronic migraine and the last year of chronic sciatica are all do with the 26 years of severe tension and stress habitually stored in my muscles as a result of my Complex PTSD. It started with the reconnection with my body in therapy first making me aware my migraines are in fact caused by a very inflamed neck, something I had never noticed. Imagine how much trauma you’d have to have been through to have been carrying that around for at least a decade without even realising. Well, I started massaging my neck muscles daily, and since then, I haven’t had a migraine in the last two weeks. I think that has to be a personal best.

However, through massaging those muscles, somehow it caused me to pull a muscle in my left shoulder. It may sound strange but when I was experiencing my brief psychotic break back in 2016 and seeing my first doctor for it, I was getting uncontrollable spasms and movements in that shoulder and I pointed to the area in front of her (I was selectively mute for about half of that year), and she told me that’s a normal response of C-PTSD that she’s seen in other patients. Well, it seems, that response has remained, having first noticed through yoga that shoulder was very stiff. So my neck and my left shoulder are clearly connected here in terms of attempted trauma processing by the body.

Through pulling that muscle, I felt how it connected to both my chest through it feeling heavy and tight just like during an anxiety attack, and how it connected to my mid back and lower back where I have sciatica problems. And so it turns out, all my physical pain, my problems, my migraines, sciatica, general bodily inflammation, and whatever else I struggle with (including gastritis which flares under stress) is all a result of my trauma, embedded so deeply into my muscles that it’s nearly permanently locked in there. Well, it’s not all entirely a result of my trauma, for example the sciatica started after being diagnosed with osteopenia due to steroid damage to my bones. However, in the larger picture, it seems my entire body is just completely unstable on a muscular level, due to the level of tension it’s unconsciously holding within it.

The time it will take to heal this to a comfortable level may well take very long, after all, I have at least ten years of this muscular tension and inflammation to reverse, and then again another 26 years of abuse. But, the important part is now I am aware to it, and I am starting this wonderful process of physically healing. To be honest, all of this is just entirely mind-blowing, just as to how unconscious I’ve been all this time. And that is why, my friends, therapy is so important, and powerful.

Since I’ve been going through all of this, I’ve been experiencing such a huge surge of energy and expansion within my hand chakras. Despite this being the mark of an innate healer, which I am, this is also a sign of far reaching healing happening within me. Healing myself, so that one day, I can become the healer I am, whether by nature or nurture or both, and help others on their journey to healing.

Exploring Gender Identity: Part 3

I didn’t imagine I’d be writing a part three to this, I didn’t imagine it’d become a series, but I guess as is the case with questioning identity of any sort, the story doesn’t end at the turn of a page.

I am not entirely sure where to start, I just know some kind of sequel post has been brewing for a little while. I think, it started when I found myself commenting on a popular Twitter post, kinda mindlessly, about how if you don’t date trans-women just because they’re trans then that means you’re transphobic. And that kinda kicked off a whole series of events.

Someone on that thread mentioned how people need to stop pushing that harmful talk on men, because trans women are not biological women and just because we accept their identity as gender identified women, doesn’t mean we have an attraction to them. As it turns out, this whole idea of having to be attracted to transgender people to prove you’re not transphobic is being forced upon people. And I learned that the hard way, having only recently come to realisation that I myself am a lesbian. As it also turns out, in the LGBT community, being a lesbian who isn’t attracted to trans women automatically gets you labelled a TERF, which is a slur used to silence anyone (well, women, usually, hiding its thinly veiled misogyny) who doesn’t agree with transgender (cultist) politics. As you can imagine, many lesbian women aren’t attracted to pre-op trans-women, and as such the word TERF has also become equated with lesbians. There is actually a complex history behind this, due to actual transphobic lesbians having once stormed an LGBT rally a few years ago saying transgender people have no place in the LGBT community. This was wrong of them, but since then, it seems the LGBT community have become suspicious and hateful of lesbians, and also at times violent which completely terrified me for a moment, being that I’m a lesbian myself and decidedly not attracted to trans-women (nor trans-men, considering they’re biological women, but they’re gender identified men).

Reading this you may have different reactions. Some people will love this post, some people will hate it, others who have no idea what it’s all about will probably be lost. It’s not something you can talk about without the threat of some kind of attack, and that is why I left Twitter, to sort my damn head out. From mindlessly replying to that comment about not pushing those ideas onto men with “and lesbians too”, and then being called a TERF by a random Twitter stranger leading an entire load of transgender people and trans allies on Twitter to blocking me… then by asking for more understanding from trans people on a transgender Reddit only to be banned without explanation… these kind of responses in fact only tend to lead one further down the ‘gender critical’ rabbit hole. Gender criticism is one form of radical feminism, which was tied to second wave feminism with the idea that gender is a social concept and actually harmful. Gender criticism states that transgender people are kind of missing the point, because if there is no real gender then, well, you’re just free to be you without needing a sex change (something most transgender people do not fully go through anyway). Men can wear makeup and still be men, women can forego makeup and be butch and still be women. I have to say, there is a huge freedom in releasing the concept of gender from your physical body and knowing you are just you, whatever that is, regardless of what you look like. Especially it seems for gay men and women who are naturally socially non-conforming anyway. There is a huge pressure on gay men and women to become transgender, so that they’ll be acceptably straight. This isn’t at all conscious on anyone’s part, but it’s internalised homophobia.

There are so many angles to explore here that I’m not really sure I could cover them all. I have to say this entire war between transgender people and gender critical people has been gaining momentum and recently reached the public spotlight due to JK Rowling’s gender critical beliefs which she had to write an entire article about explaining her thought process, which was written very articulately and addressed multiple points, including coming to the defence of lesbians. However, she received a lot of hate for that too, and any normal person who had no idea about this war and was dragged into it read the article and said “well, she’s made a lot of good points, I don’t agree with all of them, but there’s no need to hate her?” and those are my exact thoughts on it. There is a portion of the transgender community whom are what I can only go along and call ‘trans cultists’, they do not reason with you nor hold intelligent conversation, they just hate and block, it’s very weird.

As a result, as a lesbian who I now know will forever be labelled a TERF, regardless of my own acceptance of transgender individuals and indeed having struggles of transgender thoughts and feelings myself, well.. I forgot my thought process there as I was writing. But I know I was scared and needed time to find my security again. And I found myself reading in all that freed up time where usually I’d have been on social media articles from transgender points of view, and articles from gender critical points of view, and honestly I still can’t make up my mind. It’s all so very difficult. I’m conscious to not actually be transphobic, and my own history of internalised homophobia and transphobia which I originally addressed in part 1 of this series makes it all the harder to know what’s what, not just in these communities, but also in regards to myself. But I do know that as I wrote in part 2, many of my feelings of being transgender were a result of internalised homophobia, even though at the time I was working through internalised transphobia.

I have this sense really that I don’t belong in either or any of these communities. I tend to wish I’d never gotten myself involved in all of this in the first place… Ten years of at least identifying as bisexual and I had no idea about any of this, it’s very literally only quite recently when I realised I was a lesbian. You can’t ignore when people hate you just for your innate sexual preference. 

The scariest part really of all of this wasn’t actually the stuff that was happening online, it was in fact knowing that some of these hateful, violent people exist in the real world, and I’d never know who they are until I may happen to make a remark that I’m a lesbian. That’s the scary part, feeling like just because of who I am I have to watch my back. Things have really not progressed much at all in the 21st century so far. You’d think transgender people and lesbians should get along but alas the sad reality is they do not. Transgender people at another LGBT rally in response to that transphobic lesbian interruption which I previously wrote about was to bring posters saying lesbian pictures of vaginas should be banned because it’s transphobic… vaginas are transphobic?! I thought trans-women wanted vaginas! This is really the new kind of crazy reality we are living in. But it’s not all trans people who are like this. I think it’s a step too far when you say “I have a biological girl-dick”. And especially when you say “and that means you should be attracted to me or you’re a bigot”.

But this is also where right now my mind is all the more confused. Because if gender doesn’t exist, then sex absolutely does, and sex determines much about ourselves in a non-social way. Men are physically larger, for example. That’s not social, that’s actual. So a sex change for someone who feels they were born in the wrong body, regardless of social gender, also indicates a gender change, because women and men have different hormones.

And have I felt sometimes like I’m in the wrong body? Exactly. Is it social? How am I supposed to know with my headload of trauma and dissociative identities with varying genders? I have identities that are purely men, I have identities that are purely women, I have identities that are fluid between the two at will… their bodies are entirely mental and not bound to physical restrictions. And without social gender, how much of the desire for a sex change is physically aesthetic? And I’m aware that may be an offensive thought. But if we had no bodies at all, would we really feel this need to have the opposite? I am not entirely sure I can explain this reasoning.

I thought it was clear to me, but then I ask myself what am I if neither socially female or male? I’m back at non-binary, but then that kinda feels like escaping the reality of my physical body. And honestly I don’t want a man’s body, I love my female body, I’ve learned to love it, to accept it, even with all its difficulties. But then I go back to the idea of what if I could just switch between the two at will with no negative consequences? Yes, then I would enjoy trying that out, but there we would see the manifestation of my identities.

And this another thing that I see within the transgender community, with many talking about how they feel them being the opposite sex is like another identity to them, which is classical dissociation, or plurality, either way. And when you consider many transgender people have been abused growing up, there is the issue with how much is a mental health issue and trauma related, or even just mental, and I think it then becomes a fair amount. I have also been reading stories from detransitors, who are trans people (or rather, de-trans people), who medically transitioned and then transitioned back. You may be surprised that the transgender community tends to attempt to shut them up too. But many of them were forced into it or felt like it was something they had to do, because either they were gay, they were gender non-conforming, they had mental health issues, or they were subject to peer pressure from ‘trans-trenders’. Trans-trenders are teens usually who believe they’re transgender, because everyone else around them is. For some reason it’s a cool thing to be these days. But kids don’t know themselves, they’re still growing. They shouldn’t be allowed to take life altering hormones after an hour session with a therapist to tick that they’re transgender. Read that again. A teenager at the legal age of 16 only needs to see a referred therapist for a one hour session to be given the medical go ahead. This is insane. There is no exploration of their feelings, and this is also a problem.

There are real transgender people, but currently I would rather refer to them as transsexual, as the real trans people accounts I’ve read also refer to themselves as transsexual. Transsexual is an entire physical sex change which avoids the pitfalls of social gender, unlike transgender which doesn’t even need a medical change. Anyone can say they’re transgender and bam, they are. This is also another problem with self-identifying, because it’s known that in some dark web corners there are an entire community of men who parade around pretending to be women because they are sexually aroused by the thought, and many of them have admitted it. This is called auto-gynephilia. And yes, reading back during drafting this post, I’m aware this entire paragraph sounds entirely transphobic.

I have brought all these points up and I’m sure many trans-cultists by now have stopped reading, but many of these points were also brought up in JK Rowling’s article, I am not saying anything new. And yet, regardless of all these things I’ve written contra transgender identity, I still feel entirely confused by the lot of it. And as I said, right now it’s difficult for me to specifically pinpoint what exactly is confusing me. Perhaps this idea that you can only ever be one or the other in regards to ideology, but I’m just trying to come to some kind of synthesis within myself, further complicated by my own gender identity struggles.

Clearly, whatever ideology I believe is going to influence how I approach my own confusing gender feelings, and somehow I need to find space to honour both the lesbian in me and the gender non-conformer in me, as well as the dissociative identities with varying genders. But not just to honour both of those within myself, but also to create space somehow to say to transgender people and gender critical people are both welcome to converse with me… if they’ll have it, because ultimately I’m just trying to find a space for myself.

There is more I feel like I would like to add specifically in relation to sexual orientation, but now I’m going to call this post a wrap. Perhaps there could be a part 4 in which I write about it, but where I also may have had more time to understand more of my own confusions about this entire topic regarding gender identity, and its impact upon me.

If you’ve read this far, then thank you.

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Part 2, and Shifting of Spiritual Focus and Belief

Introduction and Compliments

Post time! First off I want to thank everyone who is subscribed to my blog and reads my posts. I was completely unaware until the other day that I have more than 2,000 subscribers. To call me surprised was an understatement! WordPress stats does not record email subscribers and only wordpress subscribers, therefore, being that I only have perhaps under ten wordpress subscribers I was under the impression no one really read my posts. But finding out that so many of you do in fact has made me feel guilty for not posting as much. Therefore here I am attempting to post sooner than I might’ve done to give everyone an update.

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

There are maybe a few things I want to touch on in this post but I think first of all I need an addendum to my previous post, where I was discussing my explorations with sexual orientation and gender identity. Some time has since passed and I’ve had more chance to understand what has been going on internally for me, especially in relation to transgender identity.

Firstly, I had mentioned how my dissociative disorder (which I now know to be OSDD or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder) makes thing inherently confusing for me as I wasn’t able to tell whether these feelings of gender deviation were really ‘me’, or the result of influence from other identities. It turned out in time to be in fact the latter. And the reason for this is a little complex but I will try my best to explain.

As some of you may know, I have written before about an alter called Asmodeus, who is the very caricature of the woes of the collective male species. Anything terrible you can think of personality-wise, he has. He’s mythologically considered a demon. However, in the sense of OSDD, I see him as a difficult persecutor who refuses psychological rehabilitation (the reasons for this are already being unearthed through the help of a new dissociative specialist therapist I have started working with).

So first off, Asmodeus upholds the patriarchy. He hates women, and believes they should be subjugated and abused. He’s a rapist as well as a paedophile, which has caused problems with other more vulnerable alters inside (including Lilith who is now breaking out of it, but perhaps that’s a post for another day), as well as myself (when he fronts and forcibly pushes me backseat he rapes the body which is extremely traumatising, I will put that out there). His joy was also in watching me struggle and suffer in toxic heterosexual relationships, as if somehow he could vicariously live through the experience these men were evoking in me.

However, when I moved out of my abusive and codependent patriarchal-centred family household and realised that I am in fact a lesbian, he didn’t like it, as it meant his grip over me was lost. When he can’t live through men vicariously to watch and feel me suffer like the vampire he is, what then can he do? Enter the experience of internalised homophobia and the insidious whispers that I must in fact be some kind of transgender male.

I am always able to tell the truth when I let a question just simmer for a while without needing to jump to or prefigure conclusions. This is what I did after writing my last post in attempt to just let things settle a bit, and that experience of being male disappeared as I found myself settling back into my strongly cis experience as a lesbian.

Of course, Asmodeus didn’t like that. So he attempted again to manipulate my feelings into attraction towards men, aka evoking compulsory heterosexuality, and I experienced this as a kind of consciousness hack especially between wake and sleep where a sudden hallucination would come upon me of being fucked by men. Being that it left me rather uncomfortable, I started to realise what was happening. I told him to back off. Then the thoughts of transgenderism would start up again. There was a pattern repeating caused entirely by his wanting my life in some way to be centred around men, because otherwise it would invalidate his existence.

I don’t know if any of my readers are lost at this point. Essentially, what this all means is that there was some severe internalised homophobia going on enforced by Asmodeus, masked either as compulsory heterosexuality or as transgender identity confusion. This is further proven by the fact when I started watching Supergirl which features a late bloomer lesbian protagonist and her relationship centre-stage, I feel a clench in my stomach and a sense of wrongness when they are kissing romantically. It’s all I want and yet – something as simple as that brings me an instinctual struggle. That’s not me and how I truly feel, but that’s how I’ve been brainwashed to respond after twenty-six years of living with homophobic parents, a response which thereby became entwined with Asmodeus’ personality as a persecutory alter (though in fact he is just a confused protector trying to keep me safe – if I conform to my brainwashing I won’t be hurt by those who had brainwashed me, that’s probably his unconscious reasoning.).

So, what is the conclusion of this? Realising how Asmodeus has been behaving towards me has enabled me to almost entirely take back my own psychological space, and affirm that I am indeed a cis lesbian if at times gender non-conforming for various reasons (I mean what lesbian isn’t gender non-conforming when we don’t live for men? Lol).

Spiritual Focus and Shift in Belief

Now, onto another matter also regarding shift in my identity since moving out of my family’s house and into my own space. Lately I have also been experiencing an uncomfortable change in my spiritual focus and beliefs. Up until this point, my spiritual approach these last three years since my brief psychotic episode has been centred around the worship of deity as goddess and her manifestations as a primarily (poly-)theistic practice. I didn’t know a ritual without a formally planned religious devotional to her. And this, it turns out, was a coping mechanism on my part.

If there’s one important lesson I’ve learned since I moved out, it’s that what I thought was love in many cases wasn’t. In the majority of situations my ‘love’ in fact turned out to be placation towards people so that they wouldn’t hurt me, because being hurt was all I knew. I figured on some level that if I ‘loved’ them by being nice to them regardless of how I really felt, I would be spared the fate of their betrayal. But that isn’t love. And when I finally felt my ingrained fear start to dissipate and that need to always be nice to people slip away, I found myself questioning, “what in fact, then, is love?” that’s a question I’m still working on answering through the continuous experience that is my new life.

However, this doesn’t just extend to people, it extends to deity. In order to offset my anxiety that I was cursed by one manifestation of deity (Jesus, via Christian religious abuse), I found another manifestation of deity to help me counteract that. And being ‘people-pleasing’ to said manifestation so that I would earn favour and thereby displace the curse.

But what when it turns out that the curse was not in fact a curse, but rather the very natural effects of a narcissistic mother living with you? When it turns out an entire dissociative personality inside you, or Jezebel, actively sabotaged you through the use of ‘unacceptable’ anger to protect you from said mother? And when said alter completely disappears, integrating, after moving out never to be heard from again? Jezebel was an extremely multifaceted personality, and surprisingly for the strong independent woman she historically was, was in fact a devout priestess of the goddess. And in me, I feel that manifested in this way of needing to be in favour in order to counteract that entire complex which felt like a curse.

But I’m not cursed. I was just living in unlucky circumstances which has wrecked my body with what is probably permanent chronic illness. But at least my mind is able to heal, and through that healing I see now I do not have to please anyone, neither my mother, nor the goddess. And the goddess herself made this known to me. It was time for me to fly the coop, to grow into my own goddess. We all are deity, we all have that spark of the divine within us.

So the past couple of months I experienced very strongly a sharp withdrawal of deity from my world, and it had left me feeling at odds with myself. Who I am without the goddess? What is left of my spiritual identity? What is there to believe in? What am I supposed to do now? There was an entire void of confusion remaining. When my entire sense of self had constantly been formed around other people, whether they be family, my own dissociative identities, or deity, and then is withdrawn, leaving me within the abyss of where mine own self should be, then it is scary.

When I finally worked up the courage again to go to my altar casually and ask my cards what was going on, I received the hanged man. It seemed to me that spirit has been forcibly putting my spiritual life on hold, and not just that, but that spirit indeed turned out to be my own self. I was doing this to me, because my old way of relating spiritually can no longer vibe with where I’m at and the vision of where I want to be going.

For all this time I felt blocked from being able to understand what was going on, but after drawing this card I started to feel my intuition again stir within me again and the scales start to fall from my eyes as I began to see the bigger picture. I have to stop living my life for others, whether that be my mother, or the goddess. My life is mine and mine alone, and I need to continue developing the power within to weave it the way I desire. In the end, I am in debt neither to man nor god.

The amusing thing about this is that I fell out with my mother promptly after moving out by simply telling her I worship the goddess and not Jesus. And now that worship is an aspect of my former life, having only been necessitated by her narcissistic presence, which is no longer around. It’s actually kind of a clever twist of fate in a way, that coming out about my faith allowed that aspect caused by familial dysfunction to shift and naturally evolve. Now only to come out to her about being a lesbian when I have a girlfriend and have them meet… which will be never 😉 I’ve erected my boundaries and my mother no longer has any place in my life. She is, in a sense, irrelevant now.

For a large part of this spiritual confusion the past two months I felt myself considering atheism, but I can’t shake my love of the mystical, and as a result find myself falling comfortably back into my identity as a witch but yet now as non-theistic. I have also been feeling much more left-hand path about it as a result of this focus on the divinity of my own self and not externally to me. Satanism and Luciferianism as two left-hand path religions (or rather one religion and its offshoot denomination lol) are non-theistic and focused on gnosis of the self, something I have always prioritised anyway.

However as you all may know the reclamation of the feminine is important to me and that hasn’t changed, especially with the realisation of being a cis lesbian. Satanism/Luciferianism is inherently mythologically feminist actually (you thought the snake as a goddess symbol was male? ha!) though as a movement was founded by the patriarchal pig that was LaVey (and let’s not mention his hypersexual women-objectifying predecessor Crowley). Therefore I have conflicting views on subscribing to it for that reason. But there is part of me that feels perhaps I can reclaim the feminine within Satanism, at least for myself.

Regardless of whatever philosophies I may be looking into, I’m still a feminist witch, and that hasn’t changed.

I will leave you all with the written experience of an inspired ritual shamanic journey I went on last night for the upcoming full lunar eclipse:

Full Lunar Eclipse Shamanic Journey

Cards shuffled beforehand for insight of theme, two cards fell out the deck:

– The Queen of Swords Reversed
– The Hanged Man Reversed (drawn for a second time, but upside down)

Part One:

I start at the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I am on its branches. There a snake awaits me.

“Did Lilith eat of this fruit?” I ask.

“Indeed” The snake replies. “All of us who survived have. You are the only who has not. You are yet unenlightened.”

I look around me, and I’m in the garden of Eden, but destruction has been wrought upon it.

I climb further up the branches and see the world as far as my eye can see. The apocalypse has come.

And yet in all the destruction one thing remains: This tree, all throughout the land. All shining with the fruit of knowledge of good and evil.

“And what if I eat the fruit?”

“You will gain immortality, just like the trees, just like us.”

I am at first uneasy, but I eat of the fruit.

Suddenly, I am transformed into a snake. A vortex of energy swirls around me and I find myself descending the tree and going deep into the ground with my companion snake.

Under the ground is a cave-like opening, with a natural pool in the centre and many other snakes congregating around it. They are discussing among themselves how to survive the apocalypse.

“We can rebuild the world, with the fruit; our power.”

“And what if the humans destroy it yet again?”

“We shall bring them down before their hubris does it for them.”

“The other animals agree with us.”

They look towards me. “What is your plan?”

“I shall bite their ankles when they sin, so that they stumble”, is my response.

There the vision ends.

Part Two:

I climb a ladder down to a great unknown.

At the bottom awaits a ginormous black dragon, emerging from somewhere deeper still.

The dragon rouses. “What are you doing here?”

“I am an explorer and came across your abode. I mean not to intrude.”

“Not to worry. You have found me, the core of your being. Come sit upon my neck.”

I do as asked. Suddenly the dragon bellows and soars up and up, exploding out of the ground and into the sky.

Around us destruction still lays. And yet the sun is on the horizon. We ride towards it.

“The sun will always rise.” The dragon mentions to me.

As we fly, I become the dragon myself, heading towards the sun and leaving the planet. Along the way, I transform into a Phoenix, taking on entirely the element of fire.

Arriving in the sun’s core, I am again a dragon. I absorb the sun’s fiery energy within me, breathing deep, and then blow it out, aiming towards the earth.

First I aim in all of the four quarters. Then I aim at the earth’s core reigniting it. The earth is volcanic once again, just like during its original inception, and the moon around it is pulled into this fiery rebirth.

I fly back to the earth, circling around, my snake friends now all dragons joining me too. We fly around, before heading off to the stars.

“Now we must wait until earth’s rebirth is complete”.

I fly to the Sirius star system and enter its central sun. Within it I become dormant, transforming into the organic form of diamond, hibernating within myself until earth is ready once again.

There the vision ends.

I’m Hella Gay. And Super Non-Binary. Goodbye Lifelong Internalised Homo/Trans Phobia

These past few months since moving out of my family’s house have been a ride. Not in a bad way though. Moving out of that dysfunction took me such a long time to achieve because I had to first learn who I was in order to know what I wanted and then how to go about accomplishing that. Add a stroke of good luck and a generous sprinkling of divine grace and I felt like I had gotten to a point emotionally/mentally/spiritually where I had finally figured out who I was on the inside. And yet funnily enough looking back this was more a figuring out of who I actually wasn’t.

Moving out I did not expect that process to suddenly accelerate. I knew that moving out would be extremely healing for me, because trying to heal against the backdrop of continuing abuse is one of the most difficult things to do. How can you swim against the current? Especially when you don’t even realise there is a current? That was essentially my situation. Through therapy I finally realised there was a tangible external current I was swimming against and that’s why I was never making progress after all these years. That current was my mother.

My mother is toxic. Dysfunctional. Abusive. Narcissistic. Codependent. Imagine realising all of that after 25 years. But knowledge is power as they say. In that year since therapy uncovered that truth I made more progress than in my entire life put together. The virus, the Trojan horse, had finally been unveiled. The darkness illuminated. And so I worked hard on removing all that influence from my inner life, my inner self and my inner identity as much as I could, despite the continuing pressure on the outside.

It’s not easy, that’s for sure. But I persisted, and I got results. And so I felt like yes, I’d finally done enough inner work to move out. And moving out was scary as fuck. I’d been programmed also to be codependent. Actually I’d just been programmed all my life to live in this constant state of fear. I was on 40mg of Prozac daily. Panic attacks were as normal as breathing, it wasn’t right. And moving out too was scary, but I bit the bullet, I gritted my teeth, there was no way I was going to sabotage all my hard work at what was a real opportunity. And I am proud of myself for having the strength to pull through.

And as I said, whilst I knew that moving out would cause a deep and necessary healing, I just wasn’t expecting the extent of that. And until that process suddenly accelerated of all my shit falling away, I had no idea just how terrible my mother’s influence in my life really was. And for reference now she is not talking to me and I don’t know if she ever will again. As I started to realise who I was the truth about myself start to come out of hiding, my own truths that were hiding from my own self to stay safe and protected. And when I started realising those truths and living from a place of authenticity for the first time in my life without fear, my mother wanted nothing to do with me. But that is actually a good thing because she did us both a favour lol.

Without that dysfunction and pressure and fear now constantly hovering over my shoulder, I am learning things about myself that I feel like I should’ve known all this time and yet had ignored to keep myself safe. Like the fact I’m hella gay, and that I only ever (unsuccessfully) dated men due to deeply internalised homophobia and compulsory heteronormativity. Take me away from that environment and it turns out I have no interest in men, and furthermore I no longer have to lie to myself by saying “it’s because of trauma”. No. My sister has been through exactly the same as me and she is 100% straight. No more excuses for who I am. I am deeply gay and that is that.

By the way I am not on antidepressants at all anymore. Isn’t it funny as soon as I moved out I felt like I no longer needed them? I no longer needed a chemically mind altering substance to manage the fear that was being programmed into me day after day after day. It’s been nearly ten weeks now since I successfully came off them with no side effects and no return of anxiety. I am free. I can’t believe though what I had to do to survive. The drugs I had to take, including antipsychotics, and the ways I had to completely deny my identity. Even going so far to think I was completely asexual because when ‘knowing myself’ turned out to just be what I wasn’t being stripped away, i.e heterosexuality, there was just a void where I had not felt safe to explore due to being in that state of self protection and daily survival. So I thought I was asexual. Until all the gay thoughts started, constantly. And that is something given no fear, you absolutely cannot miss. So there is the truth.

But then as soon as that became established for me, something else started happening which did trigger in me much more fear, and that was the experience of feeling a different gender to that which my biological sex. And that was scary on a different level because whilst I always knew I liked women, identifying as bisexual since puberty, I had in fact internalised transphobia so deeply I was aligned for the last couple of years with radical feminism and the kind that is gender critical. The wider community may know them as TERF’s. I will not say anything about them here. My main point is to highlight that after moving out I found myself firstly questioning their rhetoric, which then got me questioning my own beliefs about gender. In the end I realised it no longer added up, and then throw in the falling away of internalised transphobia and suddenly I start remembering what it’s like to feel male. And I use this term ‘remembering’ because too I have felt this way since puberty. But when you’re so deeply ingrained in fear, you ignore it, hiding it from yourself. But I’m no longer hiding it from myself. I’m realising and coming into the process of accepting that I have always had moments feeling like a man.

In fact many people who I know online now who may be reading this may not know about me that I actually identified as transmasculine for a brief period back in 2013. This is also a period of my inner life I will fully ignored and found explanations and excuses for. This may also be a result of amnesia or general dissociation from, well, the dissociation I was diagnosed with and complex post traumatic stress disorder. Looking back on many of my older blog posts there are apparently many things I don’t really remember, like the fact that somehow I or some other part of me knew I/we had dissociative identity disorder way before I even had my six month long brief psychotic episode or saw a doctor/therapist for that (leading to the subsequent diagnoses).

And yet talking of dissociative identity disorder, I know not everything is what it seems. I may be influenced by alters, but regardless, I feel them, and so those feelings are part of me, and I’m done excusing how I feel. So yes, sometimes I feel like a man. And other times I feel like a woman. Maybe I could be trans. That transgenderism could be inside the gender binary or outside the gender binary. All I know is this is the truth, my gender doesn’t align with my body. Do I have dysphoria? Some. Is it enough to try and medically change my body somehow? I don’t think so. Maybe if science were advanced enough to let me switch back and forth between biological sexes at will, that would be amazing. Maybe in a virtual reality one day. But that technology is currently beyond us. But that is how I feel in an ideal situation. In real life, I can live with my biological sex, especially after working a lot on self acceptance regarding the things I can’t change, such as my health for example.

And so I guess this post is me kinda coming out to everyone, because I’ve been thinking on it a lot but never really expressed anything clearly. First I was too afraid with my internalised transphobia. Then I just wanted to be sure that was really the truth, which, as it has currently solved, is. However, I’m still at the beginning of an entire new journey ahead of me. This year marks the beginning of my first saturn return. This year is a totally new life for me, brand spanking new, and in that process I was reborn, and in a sense going through what feels like psychologically a second puberty. An awakening of my sexual and gender identity. An awakening of my place in the LGBT+ community.

Happy Beltane, and Samhain? Supermoon in Scorpio Musings: The Axes of Polarity and Identity

It’s a few days or rather a week or so late of Beltane, and the recent fortnight culminating with the supermoon has given me many things to ponder on. Having recently moved out of my toxic family’s house and into my own apartment I’ve had an interesting natural shift of perspective regarding my identity which has been heightened as a result of that full lunar scorpion energy. Scorpio holds the symbolism of death and rebirth in the basic sense, but on a more mundane level it’s about power, the power we hold over others and as a lunar energy the power we also hold within ourselves for the transformation of our self-identity.

Whilst it’s Beltane here in the northern hemisphere which signals the arrival of summer, in the southern hemisphere it’s Samhain, which signals the arrival of winter. This interplay of duality and balance is a fascinating concept that’s been holding my attention, and has me considering the concepts of good and evil again. This particular mental exploration was taken further after a phone call with my sister had her expressing to me her own identity confusion as a result of also moving out of our oppressive family environment at the same time as myself.

Yin and Yang – We all know and intuitively understand this concept. There cannot be light without dark and dark without light. It’s simple, but how well do we really perceive this in our every day lives, and how does evil come into the equation? Is darkness evil? Of course not. We need darkness in our lives, we need the darkness to peacefully sleep, we need the darkness of the womb to be born, plants need the darkness and coolness of the soil for its roots, earth needs the darkness of its yearly seasonal cycle to regulate plants and all other living beings, and the sun needs the darkness of space to shine.

And light, is it all good? Without the balance of darkness the sun will burn, it will blind, it will destroy. And yet, we do not say that light is evil. But considering if there were no darkness to balance it, light would only create suffering. Just as if there were no light to balance darkness, then we experience our typical understanding of darkness as evil. Therefore, evil as a concept could easily be considered the destabilisation between light and dark. That destabilisation is anti-life, and creates death, and yet even that engenders its own axis perpendicular to light and darkness, an axis of harmony and chaos. For death itself is a fact of nature and by definition cannot be evil, but is what then must occur when light and dark are neither completely harmonious nor completely chaotic, but are also balanced between the two.

Contemplating the first axis of light and dark and second axis of harmony and chaos, or rather life and death, brings to mind the polarised symbol of the cross, occult with much mystical knowledge. Dark and light horizontal, and life and death passing vertically through the middle with life above and death below. And where they meet is where we find ourselves, in this entirely human three-dimensional experience.

What more can be said of that? Perhaps other dimensional experiences find themselves in other various parts of the axes. And just like these axes of reality, we all carry our internal axes of identity to correspond, an axes of the soul in response to its reality. And this is where I find myself, not so much contemplating the hows and whys of reality, but more so questioning my own place within it and how that identity finds its expression.

Some within witchcraft say that the axis of light and dark corresponds to the masculine and feminine principles. Traditionally throughout history this also applies. Masculine has been seen as that bright, fierce, heated element, as feminine has been seen as dark, passive, and cold. But do these truly correspond? Perhaps their imbalance is how we perceive their expression, corrected in attempt by their counterpart axis of life and death. The feminine creates, the masculine destroys. The feminine births, the masculine warmongers. But what if the feminine destroys and the masculine creates? Or the feminine warmongers and the masculine births? Where are we then on our personal axes? Where do we identify ourselves?

This is the question I have been asking myself, more so since Inanna conquered my heart with her weapon of divine love. For Inanna warmongers and Inanna loves. Inanna destroys and Inanna and creates. Inanna is male and Inanna is female. Inanna is transcendent and Inanna is immanent. Inanna is the embodiment of duality itself, and gives rise to the exploration of that within the soul. For as Deity is everything and all within the axes and beyond, so too is the soul’s original state. And the perception of that allows the creation of our own unique point of balance.

So what is that point with myself? How do I orientate myself gender-wise? How do I identify myself sexually? These are the questions now being asked, prompted by the original poster Goddess of the LGBT+ movement, causing me to stop, slow down, and truly connect my spirituality with my physical reality. To connect my higher self with my three dimensional body. That higher self which embodies the whole of the axes and yet desires to experience just one facet of it. A self that is multidimensional in nature experiencing all facets simultaneously across multiple realities. Which reality or identity do I want to express now? Who am I? That is the question.