My Private Notes

For some reason I had aliens on the brain. I don’t quite remember why. I think I read something about how belief in aliens isn’t harmful even if it makes no sense. It was in a post of a blogger I’m subscribed to. Yes that’s it. And it had me question my own reasons for not believing in extraterrestrial contact. I realised I considered it bad because I was told it was bad by my mother and made to believe such. And because any harm that was really done by my belief in them was more to do with my psychosis caused by her religious abuse.

So, I started considering that the belief wasn’t bad and musing on how likely it is that there are living extraterrestrials out there today that are somehow more advanced or have mutated somehow (like in Marvel stories) to be able to communicate telepathically.

That caused me to pray one night, sending out ‘a call’ to any extraterrestrials that could hear me and respond. At the end of my call I suddenly vividly saw a tall Grey standing over me, completely unexpectedly (I didn’t expect a response but imagining any response I’d considered it would be by Arcturians or some sort). Having heard only bad things about Greys (I mean they’re responsible for alien abductions and stuff??) I shut it out quickly and amended my call to “only positive extraterrestrials”.

Not that night but the night after, I dreamed my brother had spent just over two hundred quid on contacting a psychic to tell me my star origins. They said my origin was the star ‘Ashtoreth’. Of course waking up I know this not to be a star (per se), but a demon modelled after the Goddess Astarte and thus Inanna. Although Ashtoreth isn’t a star, Astarte/Inanna is known as the morning/evening star, (I mean, she literally has the word ‘star’ in her name – aSTARte), which is the planet Venus.

Which got me considering that millions/billions of years ago it’s considered by some scientists that the sun was younger and not as bright or hot making Venus potentially habitable within the Goldilocks zone. Is there something in that?

I woke up from that dream though with the feeling my brother had been high and somehow connected with my consciousness whilst I was asleep, coaxing things out of my consciousness and trying to help me find answers. Was he?

Or is it all just symbolic personally to me and nothing to do with spirituality and lucid dreaming and extraterrestrial contact at all?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what to make of seeing that Grey. And I don’t know what to make of that dream. But I thought to write it down, in case I need to remember it any time in the future.

Some notes.

I stopped believing in starseed origins completely when I joined Facebook starseed groups after moving out and cutting my mother off and saw they were fuelled by nothing but narcissistic personality types high on some kind of illusionary power for feeling better and more evolved than everyone else for being so ‘awakened’ and ‘enlightened’. After just moving out of one cult (home) I saw them for what they were – just more cults. I joined many, many Facebook starseed groups hoping to find one that wasn’t cult-like, and found myself repeatedly disappointed, in the end dropping out of all of them and leaving starseed beliefs behind me.

However, I should know better than anyone, just because communities who share beliefs are cultish, doesn’t mean those beliefs are inherently cultish. I have to disconnect the believers’ behaviour from the actual beliefs, which I haven’t done up until now.

A second note however is that I am weary of loosing sight of reality. Being that when I seriously considered myself in contact with extraterrestrials I was actually psychotic – I am worried that considering such beliefs again will lead me down the same slippery road.

But then again, I only developed psychosis due to the religiously abusive pushback I experienced at the ‘hands’ of my mother. Maybe without that anymore, I will be fine.

It’s hard to say. How far do you go down the rabbit hole before you lose sight of reality? Before delusion sets in? Am I bound to find myself believing that Bill Gates is a Reptilian who engineered the covid pandemic to inject microchips activated by 5G? Because I can’t do that. But is it the natural conclusion? That’s what I have to be weary of. Regardless, I am prone to psychosis and delusion. Call it trauma-informed, call it genetic or epigenetic perhaps – as psychosis is wont to be. I must be careful.

But I will muse on it some more for now.

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