Part 1: 06/02/2021
I got blocked by another person on Twitter. I get it, it’s just Twitter.
But maybe there is something wrong with me.
There is something about me that people either just love or hate, kinda like Marmite, except some first love me then decide later on they hate me.
I understand I’m not perfect. I’ve had 26 years of trauma. It takes a lot to undo that. I’m trying my best.
But to get accused of being an alcoholic and drug addict when that’s so far from the truth? Then being blocked with no way to correct those misconceptions?
I suppose that’s what I get for tweeting about drinking alcohol.
It reminds me why I stopped tweeting about feminism, because I got so much hate. Except now this time it’s about my health.
Maybe I should stop tweeting about my health. I tweet about things as stress relief and that practice is habitual. I know I don’t need to do it anymore. But I do.
I need to dial back and just stop sharing things with people. Again.
This is why I hate the internet.
But I suppose what I meant to circle back round to was: If no one likes me, well then maybe I am the problem.
Except I’m over here just doing my best, in my health and in my life. I KNOW I’m not perfect, but my insecurity is eating away at me.
It’s normal for some people not to like you, right?
My insecurity wants to say “I’m the problem” when that literally makes no sense for example in this context – I am neither an alcoholic nor a drug addict. That is completely the wrong idea of me?
And another part of me just wants to say “fuck that, she’s clearly wrong” which feels too strong and makes me worry I’m narcissistic or something for not accepting self-criticism.
EVEN THOUGH SAID CRITICISM ISN’T VALID.
She accused me of attention seeking, for hurting myself through alcohol and drugs then using the pain it physically causes me to gain sympathy.
It’s just not the case at all…
But that insecure part of me wonders “but what if it is?”
This is the fourth time I’ve gotten blocked by a ‘friend’ on Twitter in the last year. I just don’t understand it.
First was C, that was an unhealthy codependent and toxic friendship which I attempted setting boundaries to make healthier and she didn’t like so she fucked off.
Then H. I trusted her first with my traumatic bodily memory of being raped and she replied completely with her own problems ignoring me entirely, and when I told her that upset me she blocked me out of guilt or something??
Then T, whose dad had just died, and I told him I was there for him as a friend. Hadn’t heard from him in a while after that so went looking only to find he’d blocked me???
Now this woman, L accuses me of being an alcoholic and addict. Are people just weird or what?
And then in my anxiety I went and messaged F about it all, instead of just coming here to journal, and I feel shit about it because she’s literally dying rn and I may as well be attention seeking.
I’m just so bad with people. I feel like I don’t understand people. I try, and I try to fix myself, and I try to understand others, and I try to understand relationships and figure out how to do them but – no luck.
I just feel like it really might be impossible to find real friendship and love in my life. Is it my own fault? Or is it just called being human? I really don’t know at this point.
Maybe I’m a terrible person. Maybe I just have to live with that. Because I don’t know how I can fix something I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Like in that dream, the mother told me I was defective since birth.
I guess I just gotta continue liking my own company.
Part 2, Reflections: 07/02/2021
I was up all night trying not to blame myself and feel like a failure for something I didn’t actually do wrong.
So there were the anxious parts of me. Then there was an angry part that was ranting like, “who the fuck does she think she is”, possibly Jezebel.
But what I didn’t realise till this morning was that the feeling of persecution was coming from inside.
I shouldn’t have paid a second thought to what that woman wrote to me, because none of it was true.
But something inside me said “you know what, let’s punish ourselves for it anyway”, a part that felt suspiciously like either of my parents.
And so what happened was thus:
- Persecutor activates, starts punishing me in response
- Anxiety activates, to try and appease persecutor
- Anger activates, to try and protect anxiety
Of course, the persecutor exists also to protect me, from being further punished in the real world. From being punished by either parents. It assumes their form or voices in order to make sure I don’t do things that will get me punished by their real world counterparts.
Of course in this situation it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Both parents are out of my life. Plus I’m neither an alcoholic nor a drug addict so I haven’t done anything wrong to be punished about or to ‘learn from’ to prevent being punished in future.
I think I need to pay more attention to the internalised persecutor voice and communicate with it, bring it to the present. Things have changed.
Because that message shouldn’t have meant anything to me. But it triggered me massively.
Physically I knew because my body was in fight or flight mode. That’s why I couldn’t sleep, and that’s why I woke up early.
And I suppose if the persecutor is the cause, then the anxiety is the flight and the anger is the fight. And it’s just confusion because both are activated at the same time and neither can do anything. Because in the present moment there’s nothing to actually be anxious or angry about. There’s nothing to fight or flight about.
I know if I wasn’t triggered I wouldn’t even care about that message.
So it just made my body and brain fight with itself.
I can really see clearly how this all played out thanks to reading that book ‘The Body Keeps The Score”. It is working and it is helping me.
I’ll continue reading it.