31/01/21: Freeing frustration

My Private Notes

I was taken back in memory to the time I was locked in my room at about 3 years old and I was crying and screaming to be let out. It was the first time I’d ever been and felt confined.

I noted for the first time how the memory had always depicted the room as a strange room I never recognised, and I realised in that moment in time I had dissociated and reimagined it, so that I didn’t have to live with the memory of the trauma in the same room I slept and lived in.

Once I realised this I remembered it had really actually been my bedroom, and that I’d left part of me in that room psychologically that had never left, and as a result from that moment always felt confined and trapped in whatever room I was forcibly isolated to over the years as I grew up… even now as an adult I feel at times frustrated and confined to my apartment even though nothing is trapping me here and I am free. I realised that feeling of frustration is due to part of me still being trapped in that room.

And so, in my imagination, I let that little girl out, held her hand as we walked out together, and felt a connection between her and me open as she found her way to the present moment and settled, integrated into the body.

I think something shifted. I don’t know the far reaching effects of this. But I felt it was pretty significant.

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