13/12/2020: Diary

My Private Notes

The nights have been difficult. I struggle greatly to sleep, more so especially since my trip to the hospital. There is something about my pain which is worse these days, and I don’t know if it’s due to finally feeling the effects of coming down the amitriptyline just 10mg a few months ago or whether it’s me finally feeling the pain that had always been there but numbed due to – emotional trauma? Hard to say. How can you not feel such chronic physical pain? And yet I know it’s always been there, otherwise I wouldn’t have needed the amitriptyline this whole time to sleep in the first place. Maybe it’s a mixture of reducing the dose and finally becoming un-numb physically, but it’s painful. My nerves, especially all along my upper back, feel like they are stinging and burning. My thin bralette feels like pins and needs against the skin. I wonder if I have Fibro. The pain is excruciating. I wonder if the night I went to hospital was because I tried to use my shiatsu massager earlier that week to massage out those ‘knots’, and almost made myself sick in the process by accidentally overdoing it. Maybe I overloaded my lymph system draining years of toxins. But that wouldn’t explain the losing consciousness. Regardless, I’m afraid for now of using the massager on my back again. It did help at the time, but now it feels worse than ever. I’m trying to think of it as a minor setback and nothing more.

Furthermore, the emotions when I lay down… I did not realise until last night that as soon as the blindfold goes on and the earplugs go in, I fall into a dissociative state, and an emotional personality comes to the surface. I did not realise until I noticed the sudden switch between highly emotional and then completely fine again. The sudden switch between absolute emotional distress with tears that could drown a river and then a silent, present, peaceful mind, as if none of that had ever passed. And yet – due to the current fragility of my body I do not feel strong enough to feel the emotions of these EP’s. I thought back to the times I had dealt with this before, many years back, and realised the best thing I ever did was comfort these parts, rather than let them get washed away in the emotion. For some reason, this emotion is extremely ‘charged’ as my therapist would call it, even though a lot of these feelings are new and triggered by my hospital trip, I feel like they’ve been there a long time otherwise and only now triggered and manifesting. And so, rather than risk my body falling back into another medical crisis due to the stress of the emotion, I attempted to de-charge it in my own way – I should’ve used EDMR though I told myself I would if my own attempt failed – and I told the EP at that time I couldn’t feel that emotion but I was sorry for it and it could hold my hand and be with me. I then put on a soothing bedtime story for adults – it took a while, but slowly, slowly, I drifted off peacefully. The emotional charge was gone, without meds. In the end, I realised this EP and other EP‘s like it, just need to feel safe, and secure, and loved, and that’s the best I could do, since I know listening to audiobooks makes me fall asleep. I may have to do this a few times, so that this EP feels safe enough on its own again. This is what happened to my previous EP’s in this state. So I am using the tried and true method, and as a result feel like finally something is starting to make sense, that I’m starting to make progress here. I hope my sleep will return to normal. But alas – I will have to do this again if I do get through this and lower the amitriptyline dose another 10mg. It is the way it is. But I must believe in myself, and I must be aware of what is going on, which now I do, whereas before I was just tossing and turning at night with random crying spells and physical pain I couldn’t pinpoint in confusion and agony.

Is the physical pain and emotional pain connected? I honestly am of two minds. Yes, because they seem to have arisen at the same time in the course of events, and this morning my physical pain is not quite as bad after dealing with it as such. And no because that would be too simple. And this pain is clearly nerve pain that I should get checked out by a doctor. However, I am at the point where I am embarrassed to see the doctor any further, I know I should, but I feel like they are just tired of me, as if I am just a hypochondriac. I know it’s my health, but they don’t take it as seriously as they should. Besides, I am still getting this loss of consciousness checked out.

I will get the loss of consciousness checked out first. Besides that, I will monitor this physical pain and consider Fibro informally, but get it checked out if it doesn’t fade from the emotional healing or if it gets worse. For now, it may just be ‘charged’.

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