29/11/2020: Memory

My Private Notes

Trigger warning: Graphic descriptions of childhood violence below

Memories arise on their own, there’s nothing we can do to trigger them purposely. Months now focusing on releasing my ‘sciatica’, on working on this back pain, and all of a sudden memories come to the surface, ones I tried to not think about but it’s clear they are trauma flashbacks related to the physical pain and must be relieved to release and move on.

To be honest, after everything I’ve been through it’s not even a big deal to my conscious mind, and it’s not like plenty of other children have probably gone through this, but regardless, the emotional brain doesn’t listen to logic or cultural popularity (even if such a practice is wrong).

All this time I considered my ‘sciatica’ was a result of being forcibly isolated all my life, sat down 24/7 between four walls for 27 years and not able to use my back muscles much, plus all the stress and tension of what I was going through emotionally being channeled into them during that state, eventually habitually. But the ‘pain body’ as Tolle would probably put it says a different story, more personal, more painful, and now I am thinking about it, I have the sense of deja vu like an alter has considered this before but kept it from me – perhaps they are the memory holder and I am again tapping into it.

Enough of the suspense. Growing up I was smacked with the belt. Again, it seems relatively harmless, there are plenty of other children who were probably whipped or caned or hit, it used to be normal before the recent generation/s. And it’s not like I was ever violently and impulsively between up like my brother was in front of my eyes so many times. No – mine was always calculated, always expected, always pre-warned. I knew when I was going to be punished, when I was going to get the belt. It was very methodical, I was taken to the parent’s room, where I’d then pull down my trousers, and then would come the smack, one or two, or a few, depending on the severity. That particular form of punishment lasted until I was 6 years old, of course there’s nothing a 6 year old could do to warrant having blistering welts on their back and bottom from a leather belt forcibly ripped across their delicate skin. And I remember the last time it happened, I was told I had a choice between facing the wall for an hour or getting the belt and having the punishment over with. I chose the belt. A bold and courageous choice by a 6 year old, that makes me wonder with amazement. Wouldn’t any other 6 year old face the wall for an hour? I don’t know. Regardless. I actually remember getting a few hits for that one, though I don’t even remember what I apparently did that was so bad to deserve it. But afterwards I remember getting a shower and seeing the red marks all across my bottom and lower back, and not being able to sit without pain for a few days. How does any 6 year old deserve that? Regardless, I guess in my mind it’s always felt rather normal and lesser of all the evils I went through. Not like that time my brother was whipped with a fucking bamboo cane about 50 times out of pure impulsive violence at about 10 years old. Who the hell does that to their child? Or the time he was beaten half dead in his bedroom, cornered like a frightened animal being ripped apart, unable to escape? My brother became a body builder growing up, to prevent ever being hurt that way again.

Me on the other hand? My body has weakened… more of what I went through was psychological, and religious, compared to my siblings. The exorcisms… nothing of course to do with getting the belt at 6 years old. Or was it? I will probably never remember if there was a connection. The obsession and focus on demonic possession was always there from the time those parents got married on my 3rd birthday. But that’s a whole other story.

So. Being hit by the belt, in a methodical method, in my mind shouldn’t have much at all to do with sciatica, all things considered, but logically speaking it makes a lot of sense. And emotionally speaking, I can’t help the flashbacks of pain these days when I am focusing on relaxing my lower back, butt, and hip muscles.

Besides, plenty of people have sciatica/lower back pain. Even my brother, despite his body building, he couldn’t walk at one point for sciatica, just like me. I suppose there could be a link after all, between being belted/caned/whipped, and lower back problems.

My body certainly thinks so.

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