21/11/2020: Meditation throat spasms

My Private Notes

Last night I couldn’t sleep, it’s like most nights lately, I’m having a resumption of C-PTSD symptoms, the way I was after the exorcism. I think this is a natural consequence of coming off more medicines recently. I’m only on 22.5mg of HC, 0.05mg of FC, and 20mg of amitriptyline. I have been on my period so my body and its woes is just way more active at this time, body and mind both, but I feel like this is another layer of C-PTSD I need to deal with and it’s been such a long time and I feel a bit at a loss how to do so, but I know I do need to do so somehow.

Last night I just ended up taking CBD oil and paracetamol together which worked as an instant calm down, but this morning meditating I had the same issue. Firstly it feels like my whole body is just switched on as if it’s in the middle of a fight, of course there is no fight anymore so I need to figure out a way of letting my body know that I’m safe now, to really know and feel that, so it can stop feeling like it needs to be fighting. Secondly, now I don’t know if this happened before my gastroscopy but I imagine it was there anyway due to my history with the fear of choking, but I’ve noticed what I can only call ‘laryngeal spasms’. As I said I’ve been on my period so everything has been heightened anyway which can be a good thing for this kind of work, as horrible as it can be. But yeah my larynx spasms very badly wanting to swallow to prevent me choking on my own saliva which of course makes no sense. I’ve had this problem since right after the exorcism though and it’s returned again after a long period of dormancy. I suspect it’s trauma not actually being physically strangled (which only happened almost once) but rather when it does happen my mind goes back to all the times I wanted to speak or to cry or vocally express my thoughts and feelings in any way and to hold it back, had to ‘choke back the tears’ so to speak, and that caused physical pain and trigger point (feels like a trigger point honestly but not sure how I’m gonna get in there without actually strangling myself accidentally lol) and this resultant pain and C-PTSD amplified by the craziness of that exorcism. It could be the same with the rape memories, but for now I am going along with the rape memories being real because Asmodeus tried so very hard to keep that from me, and since approaching that as real things have been better.

I suppose in the end it doesn’t matter what actually happened, but it matters what felt like happened (rape, choking), because it’s always based in something and if I can deal with the feelings regardless of their reality then I can let it go and return that part of me to the present reality.

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