I realised the other day I haven’t updated my journal since July! I usually try to write one for each festival of the wheel of the year, but I think I’ve been slacking off lately, haha. But as usual so much has happened, I’m not even sure where to begin recounting.
I read back through my previous journal and see a lot was in relation to gender and sexual identity, to be honest, not much has changed but I’ve taken the process of questioning internally since I realised I don’t need any external validation for it. As a result I feel I have come to a quiet place of self-acceptance with it all, even though I don’t have a label for any of it. Having some kind of one word label just for others is a bit boring now I think of it. Sexuality and gender are complex and messy and not always binary or linear. And certainly with new revelations that have come to light through some freaking intense shadow work where I went to a very hellish place for a good month or so around September and by the end of it all learned or rather remembered I really was raped as a young child and am amnesiac of that fact and then had to relive the trauma of that…. for the second time because I didn’t believe it the first time round, and then came to learn Asmodeus is not my persecutor but in fact my protector to make sure I don’t remember or at least believe any of it really happened…. yeah.
I have a lot of rage and pain deep within me that I’m finally unearthing now I have the freedom and space to do so living alone away from continuing psychological and religious abuse. To be honest, I haven’t really had much choice anyway thanks to covid and lockdown and being basically in self-isolation since March because I’m classed as vulnerable with my Addison’s disease (a diagnosis I STILL question the validity of… more on that later). But with the help of psychotherapy via Zoom and meditation and studying further into healing practices such as Myofascial Trigger Point Therapy I have been really releasing a lot of it, and I am starting to feel like an entirely new person.
Basically what I have learned through this entire process is just how disconnected my mind is from my body, and in a sense I am able to see my own mind clearer (funnily because it takes the mind to visualise something, no? Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am”, comes to mind) and I find myself in awe at just how extensive my mental world is. I certainly don’t think all of that mental activity is meant to interface with the body, but for sure there is so much disconnection and dissociation from the body, and the process of repairing that has been happening for me these past few months. And in that process emotions must be felt, and they must be felt within the body as the chronic pain which has been plaguing me for years. This chronic pain turns out to have crystallised as hard inflamed knots within the muscles known as myofascial points, you know… the hard knots you feel being worked during a massage, those same ones! And I have been working on physically deactivating them and releasing the associated unprocessed traumatic memories and emotions held within them.
If there is one major lesson I have learned from all this learning to be present with my body, it’s that I have not been present with it because the accumulated physical pain is just too intense for me, the physical pain triggered by all the emotional pain and traumas I went through. But now I am learning to be present with it, I see the pain was never some kind of condition or disorder or whatever the doctors have diagnosed me with. Through being present with it and working to relax and release that physical tension in and around the muscles and myofascia, my chronic migraine frequency has reduced to 25%, my sciatica is no longer a problem, and idiopathic hypersomnia? I do not remember the last time I needed to take a nap during the day. I am awake, alert, and more pain free than I’ve been in years, all without needing the strong painkillers I was on beforehand. Furthermore, I finally had a gastroscopy and it turns out there is nothing physically wrong with my stomach, and since learning that, the gastric pain has funnily also reduced to about 25% what it was. Not to say the gastric pain is not triggered by the use of steroids (the doctor considered it functional, which means basically sensitive with no medical explanation), but it seems a large part of that has also been stress and trauma-rooted.
On top of that, I have finally managed to reduce my steroid dose to lowest it’s been in years. I have come to realise my dose was always much higher than it should’ve been because my body was always stressed, essentially constantly in habitual fight or flight mode and always needing extra steroids than normal to get through the day as a result. Now I am releasing the stress my body does not need as much (which is also good news for my stomach). Which has me again asking the old question of: Do I really have Addison’s disease or is it just this mass of chronic physical stress with the steroids having a mild anti-inflammatory effect on the body? I don’t know if I’ll know either way. An MRI showed my adrenals to now be atrophied which means they are small and don’t work. If I really have Addison’s disease they truly will never work again because they are destroyed and all I can do is continue releasing my stress so I can maintain a nice low dose of steroids, however if I don’t have Addison’s disease I am not sure they would reawaken now (for those who don’t know how it works, taking steroids will cause your adrenals to stop working because they no longer need to provide the steroid themselves, and this causes secondary adrenal insufficiency in patients who are on long term steroid treatment, as opposed to Addison’s disease which is primary adrenal insufficiency and caused by the immune system attacking and killing the adrenal glands).
Either way, whilst I could have regrets in regards to treating myself with steroids and being dependent on them, I’m hoping for the best and having faith in the healing process and believe spirit is showing me further stops along the way necessary to fully embodying the healer. That quote in the bible always comes to mind: “healer, heal thyself”. I am the wounded healer, I was broken and shattered absolutely to learn to put myself back together so one day I can do the same for others. And hopefully that one day may be soon. I was hoping to start offering energy healing sessions at the beginning of the year after first moving out but it’s clear I needed to learn much more still. I feel that I shouldn’t let my mentality of “there’s still so much for me to learn” prevent me from healing when I’m already very skilled, but as it happens I don’t get to choose the timing, spirit does. So I am going with the flow, and hoping to figure it out by the beginning of spring 2021. I will say one thing about offering healing sessions though – I will not be charging extortionate prices. I know the value of my work, I also know that sick people are also usually poor. Otherwise they wouldn’t be sick (let’s face it, anyone can easily figure out that finances and health are largely entwined). It is an exchange of energy, but I’m not going to kill people in the process with my fees, lol. Honestly it blows my mind why anyone would need to charge more than £60 an hour for healing. I have seen some prices of ‘well known’ healers be up to £125 an hour. How is that justified? Well, I’m not them, so that’s not for me to figure out. But I’d imagine it’s unconsciously modelled upon the American healthcare system which charges you an arm and a leg for literally anything. An ambulance ride just to the actual hospital? You’re looking at a thousand dollars. Meanwhile healthcare in the UK is free (but it’s also not that good, lol, as is obvious by my own ‘diagnoses’ and lack of proper investigation into them, just given pills and told to go home).
Anyway I ramble. I feel that I’m very much the stereotypical Virgo who is basically the archetypical goddess of healing, and let’s not forget Hermes the ruler of Virgo who is the essentially the shaman who walks between worlds. That is who I am and am meant to embody in this life, the shamanic healer, especially with my Virgo sun residing in the twelfth house which is the realm of the unconscious and humanity as a collective. But there is a process and the need to be sensitive to flow and timing.
I have also been growing my own cannabis and succeeded with my first harvest. Cannabis is definitely a fussy plant to grow that is for sure, but I enjoy it immensely, it is so rewarding. The cannabis plant has been vital actually in much of my healing these past few months, and the depths she’s taken me to in that process. Cannabis is a wonderful shamanic plant, and she gives you what you ask for. She’s been described by others as a ‘shadow worker’, she embodies darkness which if unhealed can manifest in depression and psychosis, but if worked with can bring the light of consciousness in. I feel like if I had the perfect world job it would be growing this medicine for people to sell, but where I am it is still illegal and I just grow for personal use which is not legal but not illegal either.
In fact for me cannabis is the world tree, her roots descend into darkness and her branches into light, and her leaves number seven which is that sacred number which correspond with many things but most notably for me the main energy centres within the body. The world tree after all being ultimately within us, that bridge between the three worlds, Cannabis opens the gates to that experience within the psyche and spirit.
I also find myself feeling similar lately about cocoa which is basically dark chocolate! It has also become a potent medicine for me.
What can I say but that everything, literally everything I do in my life is orientated towards healing, health, wellness, and wholeness. There is no other purpose for me. And that need to heal others may be reflective of my own needs, but it doesn’t mean I can’t do good with helping others who need it along the way, because I am a long time on this path now.
Another focus and area of healing for me that came out of all the intense shadow work I have been doing lately is the rearranging of my free time, of which I have much, but have historically wasted through mega procrastination as a form of escapism from reality. What this really means is that I came to learn I have an internet addiction, as the internet for a good decade kept me sane when living within an environment of familial abuse; It was my only freedom. But now I actually have true freedom, this internet procrastination is now a bad habit and I came to realise was preventing me from actualising myself. I realised I wanted to spend my time doing more creative things away from my smartphone, and so as a result ended up setting up my iPhone to lock me out in the mornings and evenings where I have no choice but to spend time focusing on me and what I really want to be doing.
It turns out the things I want to be doing are not-so-surprisingly spiritually focused. Of course, this is all part of my process of healing, of reconnecting with my spirit. I feel very strongly that in many past lives I was used to this kind of isolated, monastic lifestyle, and that’s where I find myself heading and retreating to kind of naturally. Of course, being in the middle of a pandemic where I have to self-isolate makes that kind of natural anyway as I can’t go out and see people, but I will savour this period whilst it lasts.
So now, much of my time is actively spent focused spiritually. I wake up and say good morning to the gods and my spirit allies, I pick a tarot card for the day to hone my intuition, I meditate for fifteen minutes, then I pick up a book and start reading and studying. The books are spiritual, occult, or healing based, and this routine in the mornings has the benefit of getting my brain working again after what feels like many years of unfortunate disuse due to abuse and resulting physical and mental health preventing it from working. Because if there’s one thing I’ve always done very naturally – it’s learn, study, and absorb information, and become an expert on whatever I set my sights upon. And now I have the freedom and have healed enough that my own body no longer prevents me, it’s time to become the spiritual ‘master’ I know is waiting within me.
I am learning, healing, changing and transforming gradually into the person I really am deep down, the person I’ve always been or always was in my spirit aside from all the abuse, through the support of my therapist and the integration of my trauma-based alters (not all alters within me being trauma-based, but part of my spiritual multidimensional self) and the support of my spirit allies who without I would not be where I am today.
But ultimately, in the end, I know it has always been my own incredible strength that has kept me going. I am a warrior. I was born on a Tuesday, don’t you know?! Mars rules my birthday! 😛