20/10/2010: Sunday night experience

My Private Notes

I am shattered. I’ve spent the last month in my shadows, letting them play… my worst alters and aspects of myself. Trying to understand them, to accept them as part of me, to integrate and eventually heal them. I’ve run out of energy now and I sense it’s time to rest and assimilate, because this will all be back at a later date… it is inevitable as time has shown they are always lurking, and this is the first time I have ever faced them. I did well. Even though I only got a glimpse into this extensive, damaged dysfunction… I did well. I should be proud of myself.

The other night I think kinda kicked off this realisation that I need to rest now but also had me making changes in my life… much needed for some time but… but body really is shattered and I need some real recovery time.

Basically I realised I am addicted to my smart phone, and at one time (well, most of my adult life) it was a means of escape and served me as a form of freedom away from the pain I wasn’t able to escape in my family environment. From aged 16 to aged 27, just over a whole decade of addiction. Which now I have my freedom away from that abusive, traumatic environment, no longer serves me.

But how do you reign in an addiction when the tool for the addiction is always there? Thankfully my iPhone has this smart ‘screen time’ function where I was able to set it to lock me out between 9pm and 10am. An entire 13 hours every day without smart phone access. Sunday night was my first night of this.

You’d think I’d sleep great without the distraction and noise of social media, but in fact I’ve never slept so poorly. I’ve had a mysterious migraine and I’m in bed for most of all those 12 hours completely exhausted but unable to sleep and just tossing and turning from side to side. It’s… its own form of torture.

So that brings me back to Sunday night and what actually happened. I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, and all I can hear is the NOISE in my brain, so much NOISE. And I ask it to be quiet, I ask the alters to be quiet, I ask everything to be quiet, but they are so loud. It’s all the anxiety and anger and tension I’ve been focusing on the last month, amplifying purposely within my own self in my bid to understand and heal. But now it’s carried away from me, out of my control, and the noise will not stop.

I do not remember what happened first, but I will present the events as such: I become aware of something in my body-aura that is not right, I chalked it down to illness or lack of sleep and general imbalance, but as I become aware of it I see that there are six entities standing around me chanting in a rite, chanting in a way you’d think was trying to help but it is so noisy and in a bid of desperation, feeling so disconnected from my spirit allies, I call out in the one place above me where there is silence:

“Please, if any kind, helpful, loving, guiding spirit, who is out there can hear me, and has the tools to help my current plight, please come to my aid, because I’m in agony”.

All of a sudden this imbalance in my aura, I see it disappear like a ghostly serpent the colour kind of like old vomit, receding away from me and a strong presence of complete silence and calm descends upon me and my mind, and I feel all of me hugged as if to say it’s alright, I can rest now. I cry in this loving presence firstly not expecting anyone to come to my aid as I have been blocked from feeling my allies again during this period, and secondly just crying in relief of this peace and love. I then notice the chanting of those six entities has stopped and those entities left with the sickly energy together. That is when I suddenly placed this energy that I had been dealing with: Insanity.

I remember this spirit, or alter, at this point I’m not sure. This arch-nemesis of mine (well, I have a lot of nemeses lol), I remember this cursed feeling and I remember his influence now that it’s gone. During my expedition to discover and heal the darkness within me, I had invited insanity back inside. And now for the first time in the last month since, he was driven off.

I thank whichever spirit came to my aid, and ask her to stay with me to help guide me in figuring this all out. It is her presence I sense now telling me to rest and rebuild my strength to face this foe once again in the future, for he will return, that is inevitable… they always return. But for now I must recenter myself and my peace, until then.

I learned a lot from this encounter and it has me musing on its lessons. There is a lot more to learn here, I know. But for now I must have the strength to rest.

I do not know who the ally was. I sense I probably already know her. Because even if I can’t feel them, they are always there.

I hope this entire ordeal brings me strength of character.

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