11/09/2020: Post-cannabis sleep paralysis

My Private Notes

I have to get these down, it’s handy to have record of it.

I had a nap this morning after vaping enough cannabis last night just to get rid of my pain, I didn’t get high.

In the nap I woke up with sleep paralysis. And there was the usual post-cannabis sleep paralytic vertigo. But this time it was throughout my whole body, especially in certain spots like my stomach, my left hip, and the left side of my chest. This happened when something took hold of my consciousness and made me stop trying to wake myself up and instead just embrace what was going to happen.

I was in pain, that was for sure. Some of it was fear, though that was secondary. The vertigo though… it ceased to feel like a sensation and became more like a presence, a presence that was pressing into me, suffocating me. I suppose this is the classic sleep paralysis case at this point BUT-

Here’s the kicker. My body started to become physiologically aroused. Meaning, I was going to orgasm. And that’s when I knew this presence, this, well, incubus, who has harassed me many times sexually before not in a state of sleep paralysis. A name didn’t come in the moment but consciously my mind considers either James or Asmodeus. And the curious thing is now I think on it, I had asked him at some point in the last 12 hours why he’s so mean to me. I think that was before bed last night.

There is some sick thrill he has in ‘paralysing’ or in a sense killing his victims and getting sexually high off the pain it causes them. But, there is part of me that responds differently, masochistically even, though I suppose it’s all part of it. Channels that fear into pleasure. It probably feeds him more.

What I experienced with the vertigo hovering over those areas of my body whilst he was there, is that, well firstly, the vertigo was caused by him and the pressure on those areas of my body are wounds he’s inflicted. Take my stomach with my gastritis, in fact I was thinking about this falling asleep for my nap. The vertigo was strongest there. Then the left side of my chest, that is also a weak muscle caused by myofascial pain syndrome. As for my left hip, I think that was just because my hand was resting there. But my hips are weak due to osteopenia and the left side of my body too in general.

I had to write this down as soon after it happened. I know it’s a classic sleep paralysis case but considering I’ve had benign sleep paralysis thousands of times before, have psychoactive cannabis in my system, and also recognised the actual presence… it was all too relevant for me.

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