It’s time for me to update. With the days nearing so close to Lammas or the first harvest, it seems appropriate that I am coming to a place of reaping everything that I’ve worked towards the last few months since moving out of my abusive family situation. In fact, August will be half a year since having lived on my own. Doesn’t time fly by?!
I did something incredible last week. I reactivated my Facebook under the advice of my brother who I’ve reconnected with for the first time since… well, ever, which is honestly wonderful, to join the lesbian social groups near me to test the waters and see if I meet anyone. Of course with the coronavirus situation right now there aren’t any meetups happening exactly, but if you read all of that again you’ll notice that yes, my brother knows now about my sexual orientation. Both him and my sister do. I was, so to speak, testing the waters out first, by suggesting it to them separately, and their responses were accepting and loving, and I think that’s what caused me to end up coming out completely to everyone.
So now, the entire world knows I’m gay! Whoo! No more living in the closet, no more secrets. I’m free to be me. I’m free to date who I want, and I’m so grateful for living in a country that despite my toxic family home protects LGBT people so that I’m not under any threat of pain or even death. I always remember that here in the west we and I am very lucky, because much of the world is still very much in the past, with women still existing as mere property and LGBT people being executed. I will never forget my brother and sisters in these countries, and I should live to the best of my ability for them, because I can. I also live for the witches who were my persecuted ancestors, who guide my path ahead, and cheer me on.
It’s been a very packed month for me, psychologically speaking. I feel like I may have been going through a rebirth, through much visitation of my past, both by myself and through my therapy sessions. I don’t know if I shared it previously, but I am seeing a new therapist now. If anyone is reading this I absolutely cannot stress enough the importance of therapy for anyone with mental health problems. There is a huge misunderstanding of them and stigma that lingers even in 2020, for some reason I’ve never been able to fathom myself. Because you know why? Therapists are doctors of the mind, and they are trained in the medicine to help you recover. I have never made so much progress in my life psychologically than when I’ve regularly seen a therapist, and this past month is no exception.
My therapist takes an approach with me called Somatic Experiencing, which is the reconnecting with the body on a level that, it seems to me, causing you to flashback to your traumas and properly process them through the process of re-association which was traded in at that moment in time for dissociation. I have to say, the flashbacks I don’t know if they’re the point of it, but it’s what I’ve been experiencing. This is how she told me she is approaching her goal of reintegrating my alters. I’ve not heard of such a process before and it has my curiosity peaked, not only that but it’s working. I believe these past 24 hours I’ve made more progress with ‘Asmodeus’ than I ever have in the last year since I realised I have a dissociative disorder.
Part of this interesting progress with ‘Asmodeus’ (I am putting quotes by his name as I feel this is a kind of alias this alter has gone by to protect himself, and actually is not called that, but I need confirmation first) has been a sudden realisation into my motivations behind my struggle in trying to understand and spending so much time and energy studying feminism and gender equality. You see, it was never about what I believe about other people (especially trans people, but they weren’t my only focus of study), it was never about me trying to understand how to properly validate their existence through reason and social science. So what was it about? Let me explain.
On July 8th I took a break from Twitter. I’ve always been a very avid Twitter user. Although my current Twitter account is only four years old, I’ve been on the side now for exactly a decade and it’s been my only source of comfort, acceptance, and love, in the whole of my life. For some reason, on there people have always gravitated towards me, and I’m not entirely sure why as everywhere else I feel like a misfit and that I don’t have any true belonging. Perhaps on Twitter I am just one of many misfits who relate with me.
Anyhow. When I came out as a lesbian first on social media and particularly Twitter, I struggled suddenly with a whole lot of invalidation. Other people from the LGBT community were against me and slurring me off with the word TERF, without even knowing who I am. This not only confused me, it depressed me, and made me feel as if I suddenly had no legs to stand on. The one place where I always felt safe, was suddenly a place I decidedly was not safe, all for being a lesbian.
So I decided to take that break, to try and get my thoughts together, and my feelings. I wanted to spend time studying all of this and figuring out what it is I actually believe about all these ideologies, and I told myself I wouldn’t return to Twitter until I’d done just that. So, since then, I’ve been reading many articles, asking some questions, watching lots of documentaries and documovies, learning a whole lot about feminism and its history, learning about the struggles of trans people, musing on the theory of gender, and even briefly poking my nose into the Men’s Right’s Movements. And all for what? To find myself spirally deeper and deeper into the rabbit of social sciences, with finding myself no closer to an answer.
I was determined however, and highly interested in the entire thing. I’ve dedicated almost an entire month of my life to this. Because let me tell you, without social media, you suddenly have a whole lot more hours in your day freed up. It’s amazing how much time I found myself suddenly having. But as I said, I was not much closer to an answer, until last night an inspired thought, the first of its kind, came from ‘Asmodeus’, after doing my nightly guided meditative body scan set by my therapist as homework. I really connected with something on a deeper level, but I also connected with the reason behind all of this…
I was searching for validation. I was projecting my need to find validation for myself by trying to find a reason to validate those others I had been so fervently studying for the last month. It was in fact nothing to do with them. It was all to do with me and my need to validate myself through validating those others who had invalidated me. It’s a bit messed up if you think about it, but that’s the truth of the situation, and that’s when I knew then and there that I have to stop this searching.
Therefore I am ceasing my gender studies, and I am ceasing my ‘need’ to have an answer, because the real need is that in fact I need to stop letting others invalidate me, and start to validate myself where I never was before. What other people in the LGBT community have to say or think about me no longer is any of my business. It’s madness to respond to invalidation by trying to validate my invalidators. Because in reality them and their opinions are nothing to do with my life, and my understanding of lack of such in relation to trans issues has nothing to do with the love and acceptance I hold in my heart regardless of their hate. But that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.
So here I am saying that I don’t have a fucking clue what gender means and you know what? I no longer fucking care, because it’s nothing to do with me. And even in relation to my own gender identity, the real issue is not in trying to understand or label myself, but merely just accepting who I am however that manifests and expresses itself. And that is all I need. Next time when some asshole online calls me a TERF, I will smile and ignore. I have nothing to prove. I won’t let my life be lived in fear as a result of anyone whether they be religious bigots or liberal bigots.
So that is that. Beyond that, as I’ve had so much time on my hands this last month, I’ve reconnected to a place inside myself that is very creative, and perhaps the first time in said last decade that I’ve felt so inspired. My spirituality is thriving once again, I’ve reconnected to the magick inside and around me, and I’ve felt really good and overcome the depression that was eating away at me. I also think this anti-depressive effect could be a result of the coconut oil I’ve been downing every day as a holistic treatment for my severe Gastritis and GERD (causing by a sliding hiatal hernia), which as it turns out doesn’t just heal stomach problems far better than H2 Blockers and PPI’s and antacids all combined, but also lifts mood, makes you feel energised, and amazingly burns fat (despite it being 100% saturated fat itself – I’ve lost four pounds in the last two weeks since I started it). Coconut is Mother Nature’s miracle to us.
In regards to my health overall, I have been making leaps and bounds more so to do with therapy. I have learned 10 years of diagnosed chronic migraine and the last year of chronic sciatica are all do with the 26 years of severe tension and stress habitually stored in my muscles as a result of my Complex PTSD. It started with the reconnection with my body in therapy first making me aware my migraines are in fact caused by a very inflamed neck, something I had never noticed. Imagine how much trauma you’d have to have been through to have been carrying that around for at least a decade without even realising. Well, I started massaging my neck muscles daily, and since then, I haven’t had a migraine in the last two weeks. I think that has to be a personal best.
However, through massaging those muscles, somehow it caused me to pull a muscle in my left shoulder. It may sound strange but when I was experiencing my brief psychotic break back in 2016 and seeing my first doctor for it, I was getting uncontrollable spasms and movements in that shoulder and I pointed to the area in front of her (I was selectively mute for about half of that year), and she told me that’s a normal response of C-PTSD that she’s seen in other patients. Well, it seems, that response has remained, having first noticed through yoga that shoulder was very stiff. So my neck and my left shoulder are clearly connected here in terms of attempted trauma processing by the body.
Through pulling that muscle, I felt how it connected to both my chest through it feeling heavy and tight just like during an anxiety attack, and how it connected to my mid back and lower back where I have sciatica problems. And so it turns out, all my physical pain, my problems, my migraines, sciatica, general bodily inflammation, and whatever else I struggle with (including gastritis which flares under stress) is all a result of my trauma, embedded so deeply into my muscles that it’s nearly permanently locked in there. Well, it’s not all entirely a result of my trauma, for example the sciatica started after being diagnosed with osteopenia due to steroid damage to my bones. However, in the larger picture, it seems my entire body is just completely unstable on a muscular level, due to the level of tension it’s unconsciously holding within it.
The time it will take to heal this to a comfortable level may well take very long, after all, I have at least ten years of this muscular tension and inflammation to reverse, and then again another 26 years of abuse. But, the important part is now I am aware to it, and I am starting this wonderful process of physically healing. To be honest, all of this is just entirely mind-blowing, just as to how unconscious I’ve been all this time. And that is why, my friends, therapy is so important, and powerful.
Since I’ve been going through all of this, I’ve been experiencing such a huge surge of energy and expansion within my hand chakras. Despite this being the mark of an innate healer, which I am, this is also a sign of far reaching healing happening within me. Healing myself, so that one day, I can become the healer I am, whether by nature or nurture or both, and help others on their journey to healing.