Introduction and Compliments
Post time! First off I want to thank everyone who is subscribed to my blog and reads my posts. I was completely unaware until the other day that I have more than 2,000 subscribers. To call me surprised was an understatement! WordPress stats does not record email subscribers and only wordpress subscribers, therefore, being that I only have perhaps under ten wordpress subscribers I was under the impression no one really read my posts. But finding out that so many of you do in fact has made me feel guilty for not posting as much. Therefore here I am attempting to post sooner than I might’ve done to give everyone an update.
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
There are maybe a few things I want to touch on in this post but I think first of all I need an addendum to my previous post, where I was discussing my explorations with sexual orientation and gender identity. Some time has since passed and I’ve had more chance to understand what has been going on internally for me, especially in relation to transgender identity.
Firstly, I had mentioned how my dissociative disorder (which I now know to be OSDD or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder) makes thing inherently confusing for me as I wasn’t able to tell whether these feelings of gender deviation were really ‘me’, or the result of influence from other identities. It turned out in time to be in fact the latter. And the reason for this is a little complex but I will try my best to explain.
As some of you may know, I have written before about an alter called Asmodeus, who is the very caricature of the woes of the collective male species. Anything terrible you can think of personality-wise, he has. He’s mythologically considered a demon. However, in the sense of OSDD, I see him as a difficult persecutor who refuses psychological rehabilitation (the reasons for this are already being unearthed through the help of a new dissociative specialist therapist I have started working with).
So first off, Asmodeus upholds the patriarchy. He hates women, and believes they should be subjugated and abused. He’s a rapist as well as a paedophile, which has caused problems with other more vulnerable alters inside (including Lilith who is now breaking out of it, but perhaps that’s a post for another day), as well as myself (when he fronts and forcibly pushes me backseat he rapes the body which is extremely traumatising, I will put that out there). His joy was also in watching me struggle and suffer in toxic heterosexual relationships, as if somehow he could vicariously live through the experience these men were evoking in me.
However, when I moved out of my abusive and codependent patriarchal-centred family household and realised that I am in fact a lesbian, he didn’t like it, as it meant his grip over me was lost. When he can’t live through men vicariously to watch and feel me suffer like the vampire he is, what then can he do? Enter the experience of internalised homophobia and the insidious whispers that I must in fact be some kind of transgender male.
I am always able to tell the truth when I let a question just simmer for a while without needing to jump to or prefigure conclusions. This is what I did after writing my last post in attempt to just let things settle a bit, and that experience of being male disappeared as I found myself settling back into my strongly cis experience as a lesbian.
Of course, Asmodeus didn’t like that. So he attempted again to manipulate my feelings into attraction towards men, aka evoking compulsory heterosexuality, and I experienced this as a kind of consciousness hack especially between wake and sleep where a sudden hallucination would come upon me of being fucked by men. Being that it left me rather uncomfortable, I started to realise what was happening. I told him to back off. Then the thoughts of transgenderism would start up again. There was a pattern repeating caused entirely by his wanting my life in some way to be centred around men, because otherwise it would invalidate his existence.
I don’t know if any of my readers are lost at this point. Essentially, what this all means is that there was some severe internalised homophobia going on enforced by Asmodeus, masked either as compulsory heterosexuality or as transgender identity confusion. This is further proven by the fact when I started watching Supergirl which features a late bloomer lesbian protagonist and her relationship centre-stage, I feel a clench in my stomach and a sense of wrongness when they are kissing romantically. It’s all I want and yet – something as simple as that brings me an instinctual struggle. That’s not me and how I truly feel, but that’s how I’ve been brainwashed to respond after twenty-six years of living with homophobic parents, a response which thereby became entwined with Asmodeus’ personality as a persecutory alter (though in fact he is just a confused protector trying to keep me safe – if I conform to my brainwashing I won’t be hurt by those who had brainwashed me, that’s probably his unconscious reasoning.).
So, what is the conclusion of this? Realising how Asmodeus has been behaving towards me has enabled me to almost entirely take back my own psychological space, and affirm that I am indeed a cis lesbian if at times gender non-conforming for various reasons (I mean what lesbian isn’t gender non-conforming when we don’t live for men? Lol).
Spiritual Focus and Shift in Belief
Now, onto another matter also regarding shift in my identity since moving out of my family’s house and into my own space. Lately I have also been experiencing an uncomfortable change in my spiritual focus and beliefs. Up until this point, my spiritual approach these last three years since my brief psychotic episode has been centred around the worship of deity as goddess and her manifestations as a primarily (poly-)theistic practice. I didn’t know a ritual without a formally planned religious devotional to her. And this, it turns out, was a coping mechanism on my part.
If there’s one important lesson I’ve learned since I moved out, it’s that what I thought was love in many cases wasn’t. In the majority of situations my ‘love’ in fact turned out to be placation towards people so that they wouldn’t hurt me, because being hurt was all I knew. I figured on some level that if I ‘loved’ them by being nice to them regardless of how I really felt, I would be spared the fate of their betrayal. But that isn’t love. And when I finally felt my ingrained fear start to dissipate and that need to always be nice to people slip away, I found myself questioning, “what in fact, then, is love?” that’s a question I’m still working on answering through the continuous experience that is my new life.
However, this doesn’t just extend to people, it extends to deity. In order to offset my anxiety that I was cursed by one manifestation of deity (Jesus, via Christian religious abuse), I found another manifestation of deity to help me counteract that. And being ‘people-pleasing’ to said manifestation so that I would earn favour and thereby displace the curse.
But what when it turns out that the curse was not in fact a curse, but rather the very natural effects of a narcissistic mother living with you? When it turns out an entire dissociative personality inside you, or Jezebel, actively sabotaged you through the use of ‘unacceptable’ anger to protect you from said mother? And when said alter completely disappears, integrating, after moving out never to be heard from again? Jezebel was an extremely multifaceted personality, and surprisingly for the strong independent woman she historically was, was in fact a devout priestess of the goddess. And in me, I feel that manifested in this way of needing to be in favour in order to counteract that entire complex which felt like a curse.
But I’m not cursed. I was just living in unlucky circumstances which has wrecked my body with what is probably permanent chronic illness. But at least my mind is able to heal, and through that healing I see now I do not have to please anyone, neither my mother, nor the goddess. And the goddess herself made this known to me. It was time for me to fly the coop, to grow into my own goddess. We all are deity, we all have that spark of the divine within us.
So the past couple of months I experienced very strongly a sharp withdrawal of deity from my world, and it had left me feeling at odds with myself. Who I am without the goddess? What is left of my spiritual identity? What is there to believe in? What am I supposed to do now? There was an entire void of confusion remaining. When my entire sense of self had constantly been formed around other people, whether they be family, my own dissociative identities, or deity, and then is withdrawn, leaving me within the abyss of where mine own self should be, then it is scary.
When I finally worked up the courage again to go to my altar casually and ask my cards what was going on, I received the hanged man. It seemed to me that spirit has been forcibly putting my spiritual life on hold, and not just that, but that spirit indeed turned out to be my own self. I was doing this to me, because my old way of relating spiritually can no longer vibe with where I’m at and the vision of where I want to be going.
For all this time I felt blocked from being able to understand what was going on, but after drawing this card I started to feel my intuition again stir within me again and the scales start to fall from my eyes as I began to see the bigger picture. I have to stop living my life for others, whether that be my mother, or the goddess. My life is mine and mine alone, and I need to continue developing the power within to weave it the way I desire. In the end, I am in debt neither to man nor god.
The amusing thing about this is that I fell out with my mother promptly after moving out by simply telling her I worship the goddess and not Jesus. And now that worship is an aspect of my former life, having only been necessitated by her narcissistic presence, which is no longer around. It’s actually kind of a clever twist of fate in a way, that coming out about my faith allowed that aspect caused by familial dysfunction to shift and naturally evolve. Now only to come out to her about being a lesbian when I have a girlfriend and have them meet… which will be never 😉 I’ve erected my boundaries and my mother no longer has any place in my life. She is, in a sense, irrelevant now.
For a large part of this spiritual confusion the past two months I felt myself considering atheism, but I can’t shake my love of the mystical, and as a result find myself falling comfortably back into my identity as a witch but yet now as non-theistic. I have also been feeling much more left-hand path about it as a result of this focus on the divinity of my own self and not externally to me. Satanism and Luciferianism as two left-hand path religions (or rather one religion and its offshoot denomination lol) are non-theistic and focused on gnosis of the self, something I have always prioritised anyway.
However as you all may know the reclamation of the feminine is important to me and that hasn’t changed, especially with the realisation of being a cis lesbian. Satanism/Luciferianism is inherently mythologically feminist actually (you thought the snake as a goddess symbol was male? ha!) though as a movement was founded by the patriarchal pig that was LaVey (and let’s not mention his hypersexual women-objectifying predecessor Crowley). Therefore I have conflicting views on subscribing to it for that reason. But there is part of me that feels perhaps I can reclaim the feminine within Satanism, at least for myself.
Regardless of whatever philosophies I may be looking into, I’m still a feminist witch, and that hasn’t changed.