I thought I would write a most concise and chronological account for my readers about what exactly happened between October 2015 and March 2016. In all honestly, it was all just a huge mess, or it felt that way. On top of that I still actually have amnesia around end of December to the beginning of January. I am not sure I will ever regain my memories of this period.
Let’s go back to the basics, to the beginning. I was still in a relationship with Dan, who I considered to my twin flame, and we had met for the penultimate time at the beginning of October. During this time I was exploring with what I called light body activations on other people. I wanted to be a healer, so I messed around with what I didn’t understand at the time.
In these light body activations what I would do, in my mind at least, was somewhat merge my higher self with the higher self of other people, sort of imprinting my template onto theirs. I thought my higher self was pretty evolved and able to do this, so I saw no issue with it.
However, I never learned how to properly ground others energy or properly shield the working space, or to cut cords after I’d finished a healing session, so I think one of the problems was I was getting contaminated with a lot of negative energy from the clients I was working on. So I started attracting more negative entities.
On top of that, I was channelling. At the time I thought I was channelling only love and light beings, but over time the messages started to change, and become nasty. I started hearing voices in my head, as much as thousands at one point, and couldn’t turn them off. It was very scary.
At the end of October, I started messing around with something else. There was an entity on the spiritual realm that claimed to be a non-incarnate twin flame. It wanted to do a heart merge with me, which of course is the most intimate kind of spiritual interaction.
I went ahead and merged with this being, only finding out afterwards that it wanted to hurt me, and was making my life living hell. Of course, it only turned out to be a fallen angel. I remember seeing the wings, as he wrapped himself around me. It was an incredibly sexual encounter, which leads me to believe he was also an incubus.
Once my heart was open to him then my heart was open to all the rest of his minions, which included low ranking demons and enslaved lost souls, e.g. ghosts, as well as enslaved lost soul fragments of the living.
Now, at some point I came to believe that this fallen angel or incubus, was actually a soul fragment of another living person, and that I had karma with them which needed to be resolved. That’s when I started doing soul retrieval. In order to reverse the damage I had done from inviting this entity into my heart, as well as all the negative entities from the all clients I had worked with, I started sending back their soul fragments which I believed had attached to me, and started retrieving what I believed were my own.
But, this lead me down a darker path, because ultimately the more I invited inside me, the more I became possessed. But that’s not to say the soul retrieval didn’t work because in the end I did find my lost soul fragments which were stuck in the deepest regions of the underworld. I just had to go through a lot of negative entities to get to that stage. It’s like I was in a war, to find the pieces of me which I believed had been split off from careless spiritual exploration, but which had actually always been fragmented from birth, due to growing up in the midst of childhood abuse.
During this phase my relationship with Dan got incredibly rocky. The energy between us was just too negative, with the demons coming between us. Trying to fix our connection energetically, I came to the conclusion that our relationship cord was bunged up and blocked by lots of ghosts.
At this point my sensitivity to the spiritual realm was getting ridiculous. I was incredibly psychic, could read minds, was communicating with spiritual beings on an hourly basis, was suddenly very adept in psychic healing, and could literally see the spiritual realm around me as if it were physical. I also started having out of body experiences and was travelling around the spiritual planes looking for my soul fragments and battling negative entities and such.
So, I saw mine and Dan’s connection as being blocked by a shit load of ghosts, and so in my desperation, I started telling the ghosts to go towards the light, where they could be set free. I started talking with and communicating with and bartering with the ghosts. Saying they couldn’t stay here. But as I started helping them towards the light, more and more were attracted to me that had nothing to do with our connection. On the astral plane I was like a big flashing light saying “I can help you”.
Now by this time, I was so possessed that I had without realising taken an advanced healing spirit inside me. This is why all of a sudden I was very savvy about healing without ever being taught. I was like a full on shaman.
And I realised this, and I embraced it. The healing spirit had told me she was one of my guides and had come to help me remove all the lost souls that had been drawn to me due to the channelling I was doing.
So I let her help me. But as I let her work through me, I became aware of an evil spirit trying to hurt me, from the hell realms. Well, it only turned out that this healing spirit inside me had actually accidentally killed the spirit of this man in her life, and was trying to resolve her karma through me. So she and this spirit started battling it out in my body. That was hell on earth. There I was trying to help her resolve her issues with this evil vengeful and murdering spirit, so that she could eventually leave me too and go towards the light.
But then, as I started getting to know this evil spirit, I realised that he was a veteran from one of the world wars, and I started taking on his memories, which was incredibly painful. The reason why was because this spirit had been tormented as a child by his father (seeing the parallels here between my own childhood – coincidence? I think not), and I remember the feeling of being whipped as if it was actually happened to me. In my vision my whole back was beaten and bloodied, and to add to that, this spirit had been raped. I remember that very vividly, and thinking it was a past life of mine at the time, I thought I’d been raped as a child (more on that later). So I started developing an incredible sadness, for about two days I was crying non-stop, as I was re-experiencing all these things this spirit had done. I also started feeling unborn baby ghosts in my etheric womb, which were there as a result of all the traumatic sexual energy I was experiencing.
Then, in order to let go of this spirit, I unconsciously employed more healing spirits. I eventually realised through these other healing spirits that there was a battle going on between the first healing spirit and her husband, who was actually the war veteran and who had killed people in his life. He wasn’t a very nice spirit at all, and I started developing his associations too of what it was like to be a war veteran, to kill other people in cold blood.
In order to solve this entire problem, I employed even more healer spirits to try and help me out. Now this is when my sense of self-identity started to get really blurry. I was heavily possessed by this point, was taking on the associations and memories and identities of what felt like hundreds of spirits, and was experiencing memory loss and loss of consciousness.
These healer spirits meanwhile were still trying to help me retrieve my lost soul fragments, and they told me that very soon it would all be over and that they would leave.
Eventually, these healer spirits started changing my spiritual focus. They told me I didn’t need to do psychic healing anymore. They said my journey was almost over and it was time to bring things to a close. So they started shutting down all the energy portals that had formed in my body, my chakras, and started clearing my karma over my entire life, saying I was a new person, and that I was to live my life differently, as a new being.
So, for about a couple of weeks, I got rid of all my crystals, my incense, my spiritual tools, and stopped all this psychic and spiritual madness completely. I decided for once I wanted to be ‘normal’, and that I was done with the spiritual realm.
And I did feel normal for a stretch. But the ghosts especially wouldn’t leave me, even though I tried to ignore them, they compelled me to try and continue helping them towards the light.
In the end, I gave in to continuing with energy work, but it only lasted a little while, because I was starting to be too far gone. At this point I started developing seizures, as a result from my brain being unable to handle the heavy possession. My entire body felt like it was covered in this thick living darkness, and in the end, I completely lost sense of my identity. I could not tell who I was.
Now, during all this I’ve forgotten to mention all the shadows I would see lurking around me at night, all the times I’d wake up being strangled, or attacked. The attacks would come more and more frequently, first in the nights where I’d wake up screaming, and then in the days where I could no longer control it.
And so I lost all sense of my identity, and all too soon realised that these were spirits that were pretending to be me, and that weren’t actually me. The problem I had then was “If they aren’t me, then which one is the real me”… bit of a silly question since I was the one asking it. But I was so dissociated from my identity at this point I honestly couldn’t tell who I was, and I got very, very scared.
That’s when my mother came running into my room because of all the screaming and so in desperation I literally begged her to help me, because I couldn’t take anymore. She then told me to be quiet and she said “Now I speak to the demon inside you, what is your name?”
The reply came back “I’m Jezebel, I belong to this body, and I’m not leaving’.
Suffice to say the both of us were shocked. Turns out that for a lot of the crazy things I was going through, Jezebel was the leader of what was going on. She organised the whole of it, the entities, the attacks, the possession. And yet actually, she was only doing what my unconscious self had employed her to do – to find my lost soul fragments which had been trapped in the underworld from the time I was young.
The reason was that, by her account, she had been dormant inside me since I was very little. She stated that I had been raped at two years old, which left me open to attack, due to trauma. Part of my child self had left, and in place there was an energetic void remaining. Then when my mother married my abusive ex step-dad when I was three, she stepped in to fill that void, in order to protect me. But through that process of protecting me, she became my persecutor.
And as she was stating all this, it was like I was reliving the rape, that happened to me as a baby. It was incredibly, incredibly traumatising.
And during all these memories surfacing, I learned the reason I started channelling was to get knowledge on whether I was really raped, and whether parts of me were really lost as a result. And that the healing spirits were attracted to me as a result to help me come to the conclusion of this. So ultimately, all this madness was all part of my own unconscious plan to find out the truth of myself.
But then, my mother tried to exorcise Jezebel from me, but she wouldn’t leave because the healing journey wasn’t finished and I still had to find my lost child self.
So my mother told me I needed to accept Jesus in my heart to be saved because only he could help me. So in my desperation I did. And right as I did that, I spontaneously went out of body again and found my lost child self in hell. I saw that she had been endlessly tortured there for all these years by Jezebel, and as part of that torture had been forced to also torture my ex step-dad’s own lost soul fragments.
Then, I saw Jesus come down into that hell and rescue my child self to place her back in my body. This was because my child self loved Jesus, before any of the abuse happened; she was Christian. And so, he was literally her saviour.
After this entire experience, I had to re-integrate my child self, which was actually a collection of many child fragments, and that took time. At one point I regressed all the way back to a baby. I was reliving all the memories of being trapped in those hellish realms. It was quite incredible, really.
But, the trauma all those months left me with was too much for me to bear, and on top of that the demons and negative entities were still around me, tormenting me, and I just couldn’t cope any longer. I just wasn’t strong enough anymore, I was too tired of it all and my body gave in after the end of a very long battle. So I went to the doctor, and she put me on anti-psychotics which started to calm down the visions, and then I learned my adrenals were no longer functional and that I have to be on replacement steroids for the rest of my life. But I won the battle, and at least on the spiritual level, did the healing. My child self had been restored, and Jezebel eventually realised she no longer needed to hurt me to protect me.
So hopefully in this post I have covered all bases… at least the bases I can remember. There is probably a lot of detail I am leaving out, because so much went on, but this is basically the gist of it all.
Oh, one thing I do remember, is that the healer spirits had told me in a previous life I was in a bomb explosion, which shattered my soul into thousands of pieces and since then in every life I have been trying to re-gather myself. I don’t really know if that’s true, but it was a large part of the story for me during those months.