Wow, it’s been a long time since I updated here! I try to do it at least every sabbat but this Imbolc I was unable to, the reason being that all of a sudden an apartment became available for me to move into, after almost two years of trying to find myself one! And the news came right after I’d returned from Mexico seeing and making amends with my dad for the new year. And that was intense in itself, in fact, the whole of the last entire year has been intense, call it twenty-nineteen intensive training, haha. I really honestly believe last year was one huge transition period in my life, and right before the beginning of my Saturn return, so this is huge. In fact, funny thing is I felt the change happening on the spiritual level before I even knew or had idea that I was going to be finally moving out of my abusive family’s house. It’s like a space was opening up inside me, preparing me for this. I had a sense something was coming as a result, and even my tarot cards and the gods were telling me a pivotal change was on the way, but as someone who has historically experienced more bad luck and let downs than the counterparts, I was just chilled and like “cool, we’ll see”… and see I have done.
Last year was all about working on my divine masculine. In fact, it was deeper than that. Last year was all about finding myself, finding ME. Last year I learned of my dissociation, came to harmony with my fragmented psyche as a result, got myself off the anti-depressants successfully, reconnected with my divine masculine for the first time ever, and connected to my power and strength internally. I remember back to summer 2018, I asked what the theme was in my life at that time, and I drew the strength card. And for sure I developed and found that strength within me that I never did before. I feel so empowered and happy for the first time in my life. Sure things aren’t perfect, this is planet earth after all (and let’s not mention the corona madness which is going on right now), but have I evolved? Hell yeah. I have come to a freedom from twenty six years of pain, trauma, abuse, dysfunction, and toxicity. And I didn’t do it by myself. Sure it was always within me to do it, but I can’t take the credit. I have to completely put this on the Goddess, because truth be told, when I started opening my heart to her in 2016, that’s when everything started changing for me. I have become a person I never knew was there inside me, and yet always wished to be. And the Goddess has been there for me this whole time nurturing it, just as a Mother does. And so I dedicate this post to the Goddess, as it’s Mother’s Day, and she has been my true Mother in life, when my biological mother has failed me many times.
The Goddess has been with me in many forms since those four years ago. She has been Sophia, Mary, Isis, Durga, Diana, Hecate, Venus, and now, she is Inanna. I have found My Goddess, or rather, She found me. All Goddesses are one Goddess, that is true, but all Goddesses are unique manifestations of Her, individual persons in their own right, and many manifestations of Her have appeared to me on my journey, nurturing my soul, piecing it back together piece by fragile piece, and I can’t write this without mentioning my amazing shamanic healer who the Goddess has worked through to aid in that process. I have become completely transformed since the beginning of this journey when I first met her (the shaman) and the Goddess. My healer reconnected me with my entire soul essence which had been completely shattered and left the body, leaving me completely dissociated and physically ill and drained of energy. My body is still physically recovering from this, but considering I was wheelchair bound back in 2016 and couldn’t even walk, I’d say I have healed an awful lot. And having moved away from my abusive family has catalysed that even further, something my therapist made me realise was the cause of my energy loss. My family was literally sucking me dry through the twenty six years of trauma they had and still were causing me. But now I am walking my dog every day, I can swim again, I’m doing yoga now I have the freedom, I have the energy to live a fairly normal existence outside of the soul sucking capitalist society we live in work-wise. But that’s okay, because now I can finally start my own spiritual business from home. The time is coming, the healer has come to a place of healing oneself, and now has that wonderful gift to share with others. I can feel it inside me like a light, growing and expanding, and strengthening itself, stabilising, loving me, so that it can then love others all the better.
I have a permanent altar set up now, which is where I am writing from on my desktop, considering most of what I will be doing on this computer will be spiritual/business related. And I have a few tools to buy to complete the basic set up and I have a print relief of Inanna on the way to frame on my wall above the altar as my Patron Goddess. She came to me before Christmas, her presence lingering strongly. I went to Mexico and was preoccupied for a while but when I returned home to continue my practice, so did she. So I finally asked her why I was feeling her so strongly, and she responded very clearly that she was there to help me transition from the life I had, to the life I wanted. So I accepted her help, and it was literally just a few days after that I found out I was suddenly about to move. As the move was so sudden and exhausting, I had completely forgotten about that and her during the process, until things started to settle again and she returned, reminding me that she had told me that she had done what she said she would. She made this happen for me. I was honestly mind-blown. So I asked her then if that meant she was leaving – oh no, she wanted to stay and help me with everything to come. Who was I to say no? She has basically taken over all of me, my heart, hearth, and home, is what I say. She put herself in my path, she made me take notice, and she has put herself as the centre and focus of my entire practice. I don’t think now there is any me without Her – but that can be said in regards to the Great Goddess in general, of which she is a particular image of, and the one that has manifested to me. I am woman, and woman is Goddess, and Goddess is woman – there is no one without the other. Inanna is here because she is me and I am her.
And whilst I’m on this topic, I knew I was meant to be a priestess for a while but considered myself ‘in training’ for the last few years. But now the initiation is over, and it’s time for me to live what I have learned. I am a priestess of the Goddess and of any goddess as extension, but more specifically of Inanna, now, after her having come to me in a vision recently (or rather I was lead to her), where she was sat on a throne between the two pillars of duality just like the image of the High Priestess tarot card. And she reached out her sceptre and blessed me and said “this authority and power is now yours, use it wisely”, and that was that. It was a turning point in my path, from one level to another. One could say from student to teacher but there are still many things I need to learn, and I suppose, that’s true of any real world teacher. They may have a bachelor’s degree, but it doesn’t mean they’re a professor! At the same time I’m hesitant to say there are levels to spiritual development, but it’s a fact of nature there are levels to the development of human consciousness in general anyway, for example from baby to toddler to child to teen to adult. Anyway, I may be getting off topic, my point is maybe that I passed one grade and graduated, and now have the skills to do some real work, regardless of all the rest of things I still need to learn (and I know they are many). I just want to keep my ego in check because in the past I didn’t and it was definitely a lead up to my brutal fall from grace. Then again, it could be debated whether I was really given as much grace as I thought. The beginning of awakening is always difficult with the ego wanting to claim the new insights and revelations of spirit. It’s hard to believe now that I started this journey almost ten years ago. I have experienced a lot for someone so young, though I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose it was a bad thing that I turned into a good thing. When we are abused there are really only one of two options: To become the abuser, or to become the healer. And now is my time to give back as the healer.
Here on my altar I have a piece I painted in moon blood with the ancient verse “Profit and loss are Inanna’s to control”, ever since I first read that it really spoke to me on a deep level, and whilst I know I have some influence on my own destiny through free will and personal choice, reading that keeps me humble and reminds me that without the Goddess, and the Goddess as Inanna, I would not be here. I have everything to thank her for, she liberated me, and now my life really belongs to her. I mean, it really did from the day I first opened my heart to her those four years ago, but I didn’t know that then. But my purpose, my destiny, I know it now, is to serve her. That’s what I give back in return for her liberation of me. She is Soteira – Saviour. They say we can only save ourselves, and that’s true in one sense as it takes us to want to be willing to allow that to happen, but in another sense we are only human and need a personal relationship with the divine to aid us in that salvation.
I did not expect when I started writing this post that it would be mostly about the Goddess, but honestly I am so grateful and as it’s mothers day and I have already dedicated this post to Her, I am happy to have shared these thoughts and feelings. I hope that as I begin to find my own, true, place in this world, that I can do some good, help others, and be a light in the darkness of others I have myself overcome. I’m nowhere near perfect, I know that, but I’m content, and I have clarity, and I’m happy and at peace with myself.
Amadéa (By the love of the Goddess).