Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Call it what you may, Christmas or Yule, or any other variation thereof, this is the time of year we celebrate the return of the sun and its light in our life. And we praise its banishing of darkness that has plagued us since the beginning of the dark half of year, most notable at Samhain. We also look forward in hope to spring again, when the days are of equal length to the night once again and daylight is only increasing from thereon. It is a time of hope, faith, and preparation for the new things in our life.
This time last year, I had prayed to Aphrodite and created a spell to find new love for the New Year. And it was successful, in its own way. Love did not take the form I had planned that January 2019, but love found me for sure, and it has completely, completely, transformed me as a person. I have experienced many soul connections throughout my life, many with lessons far too advanced for me to pass, having resulted in many spectacular failures. But with this one I believe I had the advantage, as, for the first time, I had faith in a higher power, who had proven Her love for me. I had the Goddess. And throughout this past year, through this relationship, and through my own desire to better myself, she has completely revolutionised my concept of Self, to a sense of feeling illuminated and clear, for the first time in a very long time.
It is a shift, a very subtle one this winter solstice, but a very deep shift nevertheless that has been in the works for a long time now. Oh how I struggled and toiled within myself, all that hard, soul-destroying work, to rebirth myself from the ashes, to realise who I truly was and truly am, at heart. I have, come to a vision of myself that is entire, even in my brokenness. I see all the pieces of me now, and I know how they are meant to be put back to together, slowly, piece by piece, in their own time and at their own pace. I have come to a sense of wholeness within that vision of perfect brokenness. It’s tentative, but it’s there, and now my charge is to nurture it, so that I can complete this vision.
What just has happened though? I may hear those of you reading thinking. What has happened is that this relationship, which I have fully come to see now, along with all the other ‘twin flamey’ connections in my life that came before, as karmic soulmates, along with the perfect guidance and direction of the Goddess with me, has lead me to the reconnection of my soul to the Divine Masculine, both without as the God, but within myself too. I have completely reconnected to this part of me that has before been completely cut off, and rejected. And oh boy has it been a journey and a half.
This relationship which I found myself in, was a Daddy Dom/Little Girl relationship. He was indeed my substitute daddy, a father figure, to my inner child. But more than that, I came to realise what I had within me was more than just an inner child. All this time, I had been living with different personalities in my head, called dissociative identities, or alters, and that my ‘inner child’ was actually what is called a ‘Little’, that is, a fully developed personality who stopped mentally progressing at a certain age as a child due to trauma. And that trauma, was multiple in nature.
The first trauma was the trauma of sexual abuse by a daycare worker, at the age of two years old. That created the ‘crack’ so to speak in my psyche. Which could’ve healed, had not an abusive and violent man married my mother a few months later and called himself my father for the next seventeen years. And that original trauma, that wound, never got chance to heal, and it festered and that Little part of me became scared, repressed, and dormant, and other personalities arose to take her place in protection. One of these early personalities and protectors was Jezebel, who originally was a persecutor modelled in the image of my abuser’s religious fascination of evil spirits and demons. As a result of that and preceding religious abuse, many of my alters were formed in the image of persecutory demons, and one of these demons or rather devils is a male known as Asmodeus.
Asmodeus is a devil of both wrath and lust. You can say the two are one for him. And he has been active for many years terrifying not just myself, but everyone else in our dissociative system, including Jezebel, who in fact was only acting in response to his hatred. Her own hatred in fact was fuelled by his. And he, was the entire embodiment of all the male abuse that I and we have ever experienced. Every terrible male thing that happened to me personally but also impersonally such as I may have seen on tv or in history (think Adolf Hitler), he embodied it all. And as such, for many, many, years, he was a silent and deadly force, devastating both myself, our system, and my life every-time I tried to make something for myself. He was the ultimate saboteur, and the ultimate ‘root cause’ of every problem I had experienced yet unknown to me, until now.
Now, if you have been paying attention, you can see the progression of events here. I fell in love with a man who became a substitute daddy, which brought out my Little alter, which helped me learn about Jezebel, as Jezebel was always my Little’s persecutor/protector. And once Jezebel had come to her own balance, I learn that in fact she has only been acting in accordance to Asmodeus. And so I learn of Asmodeus and his fall from Grace, and then – And then I meet him, in his original form, before that fall from Grace. I meet him, the quintessential male within me, the archetype and alter both, made in the original image of the God, the Divine Masculine, and I realise – He is the Father! He is the Father within who I had always been searching for and yet never known due to pain. In fact, he had never known either, in his own amnesia.
When I saw him in that perfect state, his true angelic, nay, godly nature, I realised then who he truly was. He was Strength, and funnily enough I just remembered just now writing this that when I pulled a tarot card last year as to what my theme was, it was Strength. And Strength is flanked by two lions. And Asmodeus, he is the lion. And he is also the Dragon, as is my soul. Asmodeus is the, what Jung could call, the shadow projection of my Animus. But those projections started to fall away, and the entire system started to come into balance, and then, for the first time, I was connected to the Divine Masculine within me. And that is how I came to that vision of my own perfect wholeness, within the brokenness, and how I came to know the God in a direct personal relationship with no fear. And since then, He has been with me, alongside the Goddess, cheering me and my healing on.
The implications of this have been truly profound. I have for the first time ever, reconnected with my biological father in the real world. I have never succeeded before. But now I have the returning innocent strength of Asmodeus returning, and the energy of the Divine Masculine within me with it. And I have the God who is beside me as ever, even though I saw it not before in Asmodeus’ fall from grace. Asmodeus is my archetypal Lucifer, but now, he is redeemed. Or in the process of being redeemed anyway. And that has created an entire chain of positive events with the men in my life, for example as I already expressed, with my dad. I feel very much more at ease with men and male energy in general, as I feel that comfortably sitting within myself to begin with. And it has also allowed me to withdraw my projections when it comes to romantic relationships and my codependent energies that fuel them. And so hence, has come the end of one era in my life, one of primarily codependent relationships (I hope!) and another of sitting within my own energy and having the union of my own love within of that masculine and feminine Self. The reflection of the God and Goddess, made manifest within the human (or non-human incarnate) soul.
And so, with the Winter Solstice approaching, my wish, my heartfelt prayer since probably October, that the Divine Masculine would be reborn in me just as the sun is to be reborn, was granted. And that day the God closed the end of one chapter in my life, of many years, and began a new one. And so, that is how Christmas 2019 has gone for me!