It has been a while, I think, since I’ve felt inspired to write a post like this, at least, I hope in the way I want it to turn out. I feel, somewhat embarrassed, nay, ashamed, for wanting to expose parts of myself I would rather keep locked up in the shadows, either from my own awareness, or from those friends who hold me in high esteem.
I will start with the end of my last blog post from Samhain. I had planned a trip a few months ago to Mexico to see my family, and then to see my Daddy afterwards on the way home as it wasn’t too far flight wise. But, those past few months, I had been stressed from moving house and from the side effects of new medications and also from having to deal with the new understanding that my mother has been abusive in ways I did not let myself see before. I had, in many ways, shut myself off emotionally from both my Daddy and the world. I was depressed, and I was, in a dissociative sense, repressed.
Due to all that, it came to a moment some time after I wrote that post, in which the topic of his current polyamorous lifestyle came up again. In a complete and utter impulsive tantrum, I broke up with him, quit speaking to him, and cancelled my flight to see him. Just like that, in one whole moment. I was, to say the least, intensely, intensely triggered. The ‘worst’ part of me, so to speak, came out. This, what I shall now call, the Jezebellian part of me. The man-hating angry protective part of me. Oh, she wasn’t happy.
And I am ashamed of that. Why? I am not ashamed of her because she did what she had to do in order to make me feel safe. Because I was feeling unloved, unwanted, not good enough, all these things… I felt so horrible within myself, so sad and so angry. But, there is more than that. I was in that state maybe two weeks, dissociating all over the place, struggling to care for myself. But his soul energy never left me, counteracting the lies I was telling myself and had been telling myself all these years. Because these lies are just lies I was told as a child and had internalised. In the end, I came back to him. Me, the whole of me, realised, his love, despite his current polyamory, was and is true and genuine for me. His orientation never changed that.
But that part of me, was activated. Jezebel, she wanted to continue protecting me. In her influence, or maybe I should just stop fobbing my own craziness off on her, because we are all one person after all, I cast a couple of spells which, is the real reason behind my feeling ashamed. Because, I cast a spell, which, whilst when I had planned it was meant to be completely done in a non negative way, to try and change his orientation to monogamous, the anger that I had been previously feeling just flood through me, and in the actual moment of casting it, I said it in such a vengeful way that it became, literally, a curse. And the first one I have cast at that. I was unsettled but shook it off. I figured, it was just part of it. Emotion is highly effective in charging spells, though, I use multiple energy sources in my spells these days.
Anyway, I need to spit this out, and maybe this is the entire purpose of the post, to expose myself so that everything can finally be cleared from my slate, in some vicarious way, the spell, I believe, had rebounded. Now, I had programmed in an anti-rebound into the spell because I’ve had spells rebound before and it’s never nice. But it seems since I programmed this anti rebound in, the energy came back to me in an unusual way. Instead of making him monogamous, it seems to have instead brought out the parts of me that are actually polyamorous, is trying to help me through my blocks that made me feel unloveable and unworthy, and in general making me reconsider the entire damn thing on my own end. Hilarious right?
I figured, in the end, I have to decide whether I am okay with this. I can cancel the spell if necessary, I always program in end-spells too. Spell work is complex business. And this was probably the most complex I cast so I am not entirely surprised it did rebound. At least it didn’t rebound in a negative way. It could certainly be worse than Jezebel and Lilith deciding to front way more and end up attracting loads of men to me in their own dominating way to make me feel loved, secure, and protected. Whilst, ironically, actually making me feel closer to my Daddy. How does that work? I don’t know. But I’m thinking right now, maybe it was just meant to rebound. I have a theory about that, because I drew a tarot card which I ascertained at the time meant I needed to be patient and have a change in perspective. I just checked right now which card this was and yes, it was the Hanged Man. That would make a lot of sense. I believe, I failed to take into account the active nature of drawing a card as part of the spell in influencing it, and so instead of the proceeding spell wanting me to do what I wanted, the Hanged Man actually propelled it into the more advisory direction instead, which, in this case, was entirely the opposite, lol. So I believe this is where I went wrong. I ignored the card. And this is a beginners mistake, as I have only just started using my own deck of cards, seeing as I haven’t been able to get away with it before in my current religiously suffocating household.
But this, this is what I need to get off my conscience. And I haven’t told him, and I don’t know if he will read this and find out this way. I guess I have to bare my soul either way. I need to get it off my chest, because it’s an experience that just, well, went entirely just not how I expected or initially desired, but in the process has changed me, I feel, at least for the present moment, in a positive way. I am exploring new parts of me I have not before. I am learning about myself, and going through a period of, I don’t know, how would Jung say it? Individuation.
Having a dissociative disorder makes this stuff real difficult sometimes. Add a few demonic alters and the power of magick and you have a potent mix on your hands. And yet – I know I’m a good person deep down. Just conflicted and trying to sort my shit out. And me, we, are in the process of doing that. It turns out, I’m not averse to using black magick, it just also turns out, sometimes the answer or outcome just isn’t how you expect it.
Does this mean I’m really polyamorous? Oh I have no clue, I have been back and forth on that question for ten damn years. I can’t make up my mind. Sometimes, it feels natural. Other times, not so much. Maybe these are just the different parts of me trying to have their say.
All I know is, I am going through a massive heart-healing right now, especially in regards to the masculine principle, and with my connection and communication with The God. His energy is healing me, through all these men who are drawn to, what seems to be, this succubus-like energy in me, the Lilith, as I will call it for now, as I am not really sure. The God is uniting the male and female principles within me and I’m really feeling like for the first in my life, I may not be half a person. I may actually be a whole person, lol.
Maybe this is the essence of twin flame connections and relationships. Through all the energy and intensity, finding your own wholeness within. I mean, it was always there, it was just never realised.
So what now? I have no idea. I, we, are in a process of rediscovering. And maybe this Christmas travel abroad was never meant to happen in the first place, as I’ve been so ill anyway. It looks like, my Daddy will be travelling to me next instead. And maybe, maybe that’s just the way it’s meant to be.
Because I pray and I pray and I pray, always for guidance and inspiration and advice, and this looks like it’s my path ahead for the time being. And as long as I’m myself, my true self, and stay true to that, I should find myself where I am meant to be, in the end.