Goddess where do I start, I can’t even remember everything that has happened to me in the last half a year or so? I mean it must be half a year because I think I last updated during Beltane and now it’s near Samhain. And I’m pretty sure the Celts said that was half a year. I’ve been pretty big into understanding ancient, pagan, and magickal calendars lately. And it’s kind of making me feel in tune with nature even more. It’s amazing how disconnected you don’t realise you are from the cycles of nature with the Gregorian calendar until you start exploring other potential ways of measuring time. That’s been a big focus for me at least the past month or so. It started when I was trying to come up with my own medicine wheel, of the four or eight quarters and trying to make all the associations of time fit, and I realised it didn’t really fit at all. So I’ve been working on trying to make it fit since.

I have also learned a lot more about astrology as a result. I learned about the procession of the equinoxes, sidereal astrology, and the astronomical Zodiac. Did you know the sun is still in Virgo? Yet popular tropical astrology says it’s in Scorpio and today in sidereal astrology it moved into Libra. But yes when you physically look at the sky you will see the sun actually in Virgo right now. And so, our entire understanding of astrology is completely off. Because when the ancients first devised the system of astrology, to them it was the exact same as astronomy. The sun would’ve been in Scorpio right now, but because of the precession of the equinoxes, over thousands of years it no longer is. Aries is no longer the first constellation rising on the horizon during the vernal (spring) equinox. It is Pisces (which by the way, means we’re still in the Age of Pisces and will be for another few hundred years until Aquarius finally pops up on the horizon during the vernal equinox instead).

So there is constellational astrology which totally throws off everything you think you know. Think about it. In tropical astrology (which is a few thousand years out of date, gee, I didn’t know I was that old!) I am a Virgo Sun, Pisces Moon, and Libra Rising. In sidereal astrology (which is used by the Vedics), I am Leo Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Libra Rising. In constellational astrology/astronomy, when I was actually born, the Sun was in Leo, the Moon in Aquarius, and the ascendant (the zodiac on the horizon) was Virgo.

I understand that tropical zodiac is meant to be symbolic more than literal, but that’s not actually the way the ancients devised it to be. To them astrology and astronomy were exactly the same. So I think by using the tropical zodiac, we would be doing them, and science in general, a massive disservice. We need to honour the spiritual and the scientific in tandem. And that means knowing that the zodiac constellations are not all of equal size. In tropical zodiac they are divided symbolically to be 30° each (30 x 12 = 360 aka the circumference of a circle), but in actual reality they all span varying degrees. For example, Virgo, the constellation we’re still currently in, spans around 45°, and is one of the largest constellations as a result. Meanwhile Scorpio actually only spans about 7°, which Ophiuchus spanning 20 something degrees. This means the Sun stays only a few days in Scorpio. And unlike in tropical or sidereal astrology, Ophiuchus is recognised as an actual astronomical constellation that lies along the ecliptic. The ancients recognised Ophiuchus, but he got edited out by history and time. Meaning all in all there are thirteen constellations.

There is more that could be said about this but it’s suffice for now to say that I’m not following popular astrology anymore, and only following sidereal astrology as a guide. But rather I prefer to see for myself (well, indirectly, through the Night Sky App) where the luminaries/planets are constellation wise for myself. And let me just reiterate, we are still in Virgo, right up until the end of October or Halloween/Samhain.

Ah Samhain, that mystical time of the year when the veil is thinnest between the worlds, spirts and ancestors appear and are honoured… I do not have any ancestors I know of to honour. However I did have a dream a while back of an Aztec ancestor who told me to honour La Santa Muerte (Our Lady is Death), so I may just so that. He was a devotee of her back when she was known as Mictecacihuatl. It is really interesting but I think all my abilities stem from my nameless ancestors on all sides. So maybe I should honour and thank them for that and request more of their aid, since I believe that’s where my spiritual connection comes from in the first place. My Mayan/Aztec line, my Roman/Iberian line, my Romani/Irish line on my British side. For some reason when I was born physical health skipped me and maybe mental health too (although a lot of that was trauma induced), but spirituality wise I seem to have inherited it all. So yes I will honour my ancestors for their hand on my life, which suddenly I feel so keenly for the first time whilst writing this. Thank you to my dearest ancestors 🙏

Mercury will also be going retrograde again soon. It will be during Samhain, which I remember was the same last year. Is Mercury retrograde always during Samhain or is it just for now? It seems like the two make for some really powerful shadow work, and I have definitely been facing my demons head on. Demons, funnily enough, no longer scare me, at least not in the I want to run and hide sense. Sure I still have fear, I am human, and what human doesn’t have fear? But I am no longer afraid of what they represent, which funnily enough, is fear itself.

I have been through so much darkness, dark night of the soul, shamanic sickness, near death experience, whatever you want to call it. Well I won’t tempt fate by saying nothing could be worse than what I have already experienced, but I’m pretty sure after the hell I went through there’s not much anymore that could really perturbe me. And that is what this Samhain is reminding me of. My own strength, but as a result of having faced my own darkness. And who knows if it’s really my darkness or the collective’s darkness? I don’t think it really matters at this point. I think what matters is that you can’t be afraid of darkness when you are the darkness. You can’t be afraid of darkness when you realise darkness is only fear, and that fear itself is not worth fearing.

I had a dream recently actually that I became La Santa Muerte, well, sort of, in a non cultural sense. I can only call what I became as “Lady Death”, and to me that is La Santa Muerte, but broadly speaking it was just the female grim reaper (speaking in a European perspective). So I was Lady Death and what struck me is that actually I wasn’t evil. I was just doing a job of spreading darkness into the world. And the darkness itself wasn’t even evil or had any emotional or moral tagline to it. It just “was”, it was just a force much like light or gravity or magnetism. It was a necessary force and a law, and something for humanity to decide what to actually do with. And humanity decide often to use it for evil. But it doesn’t actually make darkness evil. The darkness is just darkness. It is just a thing that exists. After all, if we didn’t have the dark at night, how could we sleep? The darkness is used in that sense for rest. Yet others may use the cover of night, of darkness to commit unspeakable acts.

And so, I am going through this process during the approach of Samhain and Mercury retrograde of evaluating the darkness within myself and understanding its purpose, of overcoming the fears I have of it and healing my relationship to darkness. And so I realise spirituality isn’t about transforming everything into light. Spirituality is about recognising what is and working with its original intent.

Okay, well besides all of that, I will update some things going on in my physical life. We have moved house actually as a family, though I am still trying to get my own place, which considering I’m on benefits and have a dog isn’t going very well. But I like the new house as we now live right next to the woods, and I have had more creative control over the decor of my room which I wasn’t allowed before. That is because I have a controlling mother which I had been blind to until I started having therapy again. Which I had to stop of course after moving since it’s a little too far away for me now to go to considering my fatigue, even though we only moved the next town over. But yes I realised my mother can be controlling and manipulative and often really neglectful. I had always seen her through rose tinted glasses because she was nothing like her violent ex husband. But actually she is a codependent which could be called an inverted narcissist. It is also covert and hard to spot compared to outright violent abuse. That said something I haven’t talked about is how she full on exorcised me a few years ago which actually was extremely abusive, considering I actually have dissociative identity disorder which her exoticism only just worsened. In a sense all my demons are really only caused by her craziness, codependent abuse, and ex husband’s narcissist. So it has been very frustrating at times suddenly having this knowledge that I have never actually been treated like a person and that my entire physical and mental illness is, more or less, her fault.

And that is why I am trying to move out, yet without much success. But I will keep trying and one day I will have to have a break. Thomas Edison after all had to try three hundred times to invent a light bulb that worked. Okay it’s not the same thing but the principle pretty much is. I won’t give up on life, even when I feel hopeless sometimes and frustrated (especially like lately). I have been through too much and become too much of a warrior to just give up. I will keep fighting through the demons, internal and external. After all, the internal demons are really only a reflection or projected identification of the external demons. Remove the external demons and the internal ones disappear too. And so I realise in a sense the internal ones aren’t even real, and that no matter how loud they get I can’t get myself get bothered by them.

Health wise, I have been diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia (excessive unexplained sleepiness) and Addison’s Disease which is where my adrenal glands aren’t working at all. In fact non-functioning adrenal glands can cause many symptoms including dissociation. So I believe my dissociative identity disorder is confounded by that. But I am being treated now for Addison’s Disease, which does mean a lifelong dependence on replacement steroid hormones, but it should help me out quite a lot. I have been on hydrocortisone quite a while but recently got prescribed fludrocortisone so I am hoping that will aid my recovery from fatigue doubly.

Besides that, I have decided to study environmental science part time with the open university starting February. Actually the reason for wanting to study again is because since I got diagnosed idiopathic Hypersomnia I have been on medicine prescribed to keep me awake too. That medicine is Modafinil also known as Provigil, which actually doesn’t really agree with me so I am only on the smallest dose which takes the edge off enough. But I have an appointment to talk to my neurologist in December and will hopefully get switched to something else to try instead (most likely some kind of amphetamine). So now I find it a little easier to stay awake I feel I will be able to handle a little studying since there’s not much else I can do again right now. And since my primary focus lately is the environment, environmental science seemed perfect for me. I also really enjoy the medical sciences considering my health issues and subsequent knowledge I’ve already accumulated as a result. But environmental science is something I feel more innately interested in.

Apart from that, I’m travelling to Mexico again for Christmas, which I am not looking to forward to, since my dad disowned me the last time and my sister estranged herself from me to the point I had no idea she was pregnant until she was practically almost giving birth. Hey I’m a first time aunt and I don’t know whether I’ll ever meet my nephew! But at least I will get to spend time with my brother. Then after that I will be heading to Baltimore for New Years with my daddy, which, I am hoping will be fun. Though right now the long distance situation is kind of getting to me. But either way should be fun.

And, I think that is it, for today’s post…

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