It is almost the summer solstice and I have just returned from holiday in Greater Boston where I met with my Daddy for the first time. The weather was thankfully beautiful and hot but I’ve come back to a cloudy and cool England which makes the separation again more bittersweet.
Actually, I kickstarted my holiday by seeing BTS for the second time this time at Wembley Stadium. I got myself a second tattoo to commemorate it (I’m starting to think I may be becoming addicted to getting tattoos lol) and I had the time of my life. The day after I got the plane from Heathrow to Boston. I was anxious and irritable actually but thankfully all for nothing because we had the best time ever.
We spent seven days together, and they were possibly the best seven days of my life. The location itself where we were staying was amazing enough with such beautiful scenes of nature all around us, and we visited a nature reserve which was my favourite and also Salem where the witch trials were held. But predictably Salem was all commercialised for tourism so there wasn’t much authenticity left. But I was glad I visited such an important historical site as a witch anyway.
We connected so well and I came away feeling like I had really met my soulmate if such a thing exists. I was able to be whoever I was in the moment (quite frequently I was little, including one particular moment when I age regressed completely as a result of feeling in such a safe space), and actually my demonic (protector) identities were mostly very quiet and content to see that the littles were happy. Though, they weren’t happy when we returned to England and got bitchy, but it’s their job to complain lol!
I do not really know quite how to express how I feel without boring my readers too, but I had the time of my life and everything felt so perfect. We have committed to trying to make it work and being together for real in the future and I really hope it works out. I usually have a good sense of the future of my relationships and I had a uniquely good feeling for this one (whereas all the rest of my relationships I ended up having a bad feeling that I would never see them again, which always turned out true lol). So I know we will see each other again.
Already the separation is so hard but I am going to try and focus on bettering myself and my circumstances. On that note I think it’s time to start offering my energy healing abilities as services for others. I want to save up money and get off benefits and create my own way ahead with the people I love. I have learned so much about my own self these past few months as a result of our relationship and done so much healing because of it too. I know I still have much more to learn as the eternal student, but it is time I start becoming who I know I am meant to be – The wounded healer.
The Goddess has remained close to me, close as ever, in all Her many manifestations – Gaia, Hecate, Asherah, Inanna, Durga, etc. And She has reconnected me with the Divine Masculine side of myself, which I experience as an extension of Her. As in Witchcraft the God is Her Son as well as Her lover. On top of that, through reconnecting with the God, I have become reconnected with my own darkness and shadow which likely was bound up in the masculine. And instead of being retraumatised like the years past which caused my mental and spiritual instability, I am making real progress with the fears and ‘ghosts’ so to speak which have haunted me all my life.
So I have embraced the left hand path of working with the darkness instead of merely repressing it. Lucifer is being my guide in this, both as a symbol/archetype and as a God. Although, in truth I sense him quite femininely, as an extension of Hekate. But as I have come to sense in my heart lately, all gods and all goddesses are ultimately one. Even if they do have their own identities, they are so Divine and spiritually connected to one another that I don’t think the distinction matters too much in my case anymore anyway.
And this is the path of the witch, the realisation of the Divine and manifestation of that into physical reality. I believe now I was always a witch but am only just coming into realisation of it. I think that is why I was haunted so long by Jezebel. She was a part of me I had repressed so long, the queenly, priestess, goddess-loving, empowered feminist part of me. She is my Divine Femininity, she is my confidence, and what remains when fear is not. She is a huge part of me that I believe will bloom given the right conditions. And I hope to do that for myself now.
I am ready to continue the beginning of this grand adventure with my Daddy, my heart, and my spirit. I think it is no coincidence these events are all happening simultaneously, almost as if it was fated. I thought I’d left notions of fate long ago in the past, then again, that was before I learned how to weave my own destiny. Through using magick more actively, I find myself increasingly more in control of guiding my own future in a way I desire.
I have gone through many torturous lessons in life, but it feels like I am finally learning from them and making life easier for myself rather than harder. And perhaps this is the true goal of the wounded healer, to find the true light at the end of the tunnel in order to show others there too. I am not quite there yet, but hopefully I will continue making progress. I really do hope things work out this time!