I finally have my narcolepsy results! I totally forgot I meant to write them up here, it’s been so long since I was promised the sleep exam but I finally had it and received the answers on that end. I don’t have narcolepsy, both the spinal tap and the sleep exam negates it, but I have been told despite that I have an undiagnosed sleep condition, as my sleep latency (average time to fall asleep) was just under six minutes during the test when the average person has a sleep latency of twenty minutes.
So that confirms at least that I do have some sleep disorder even if they don’t know what it is. I have an appointment next month to discuss medication possibilities to keep me awake, which I am really excited about and have been waiting for such a long time. Falling asleep constantly when trying to do something restful (despite getting a full night’s sleep!) is such a pain, it really prevents me from doing stuff like reading and studying. If this medication works I will actually be able to have more of a life again. I would love to study botany or other witchy things from home whilst recovering on the end of my general chronic fatigue disorder (which may or may not be adrenal insufficiency, I am still waiting on seeing the Endocrinologist for that). Oh I also had a blood test last week to test my T3 and T4 thyroid levels for the first time, so that should finally rule out hypothyroidism (or confirm it perhaps), and I will write those up once I know too.
Besides that I have been able to reduce my hydrocortisone dose by 5mg, I am not sure if my adrenals were waking up or what but I felt like I was getting stronger and didn’t need to be on the same dose, so I lowered it and I’ve been doing really good, so something positive must be happening there. I am walking most days, maybe a couple of miles, and swimming a few laps once a week or so. It feels great to be using my muscles again and to be feeling more toned as well. I haven’t really lost weight despite eating healthy now and exercising more, but I do feel like I look much more toned than before which is nice. As for my diet I don’t know if I mentioned it in previous posts but I have given up all these foods which didn’t agree with me: Gluten, dairy, cocoa, coffee, and alcohol. Plus that I am now mostly a vegan so I rarely eat meat anymore (maybe once every few months when it can’t be helped).
So I am living very healthy and feeling healthier than ever, even healthier than before I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I had no idea how to take care of myself and my body properly back then so I was suffering a lot anyway in other ways such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, panic attacks, and eczema, among others. Diet change has mostly taken a lot of that away, besides the anxiety which is due to post traumatic stress disorder instead. Though it has had a general anti-depressive effect.
Besides all that I am really feeling much more in tune with myself spiritually these days, I have made a lot of spirit friends: Déa, Hecate, Aphrodite, Gaia, Cerberus, Dragon, Jaguar, Hawthorn, Blackthorn, Willow, Lavender, and Rose, mostly as my regulars. Then I have made other spirit friends who are not regulars. And some are shifting like Aphrodite who didn’t want to be a regular but was still happy to help me for a little.
I think all these spirit friends of mine have been helping me realise more of who I am and I’ve come to the conclusion that besides being an incarnated Pleiadian I’m also an incarnated faerie. Maybe I was a Pleiadian and a faerie at the same time but I think I have also been just a faerie here on Earth too. I feel really connected to the faeries especially when I’m in nature, it feels like home to me and I’ve been getting dysphoria where I feel like I should have faerie wings but I don’t.
I can’t remember how I started thinking I was maybe a faerie. I think the first time I felt it was during Beltane last year. I did a ritual to enter their world but didn’t hear much of them after that. But I noticed there was always this faerie presence around me. When I recently inquired as to who it was Hecate actually stepped up and said she is a Faerie Queen and that I had been feeling her influence and it was a result of being part of the fae myself. I know in mythology there is not much written about Hecate’s connection with the fae but it makes sense to me as they are considered to live underground and Hecate is an underworld Goddess.
My connection with Hecate has also been a little on and off. I thought maybe she had left me just like Diana but she returned which I was really grateful for. I think maybe she was busy or just wanted me to explore other things in my life, both spiritual and love related since I met my Daddy. I had a feeling she might return though and she did, but she is as intense as ever and has me questioning and learning everything I possibly can. Including the faerie thing, but also other parts of my identity especially related to the Daddy Dom/Little girl dynamic which she interestingly approved of.
She has also stepped up as a domestic Goddess for me. I know by now she’s not a jealous goddess but I am not sure if she does just want me to solely work with her as a manifestation of Déa as Dark Mother. I have yet to ask her. But she is showing me again the dark is not something to be feared but rather something to be integrated. Her darkness shines and is like light itself which is fit for She who is Daughter of Darkness and Stars.
Speaking of deities Hecate is my sole focus right now, but her influence has had me meeting new parts of me, or possible parts that were always there but I never paid attention to as a result of my trauma. Of course the main focus in this arena of multiplicity is my inner child, which I am exploring with the Dd/Lg dynamic. My inner child is mostly about five years old but has other ages too. I consider her an integrated whole in her own right, whom sometimes fluctuates in age expression now and again.
Besides that is my animus who has popped up again. I believe this is due to my acknowledgement and hence healing of the Divine Masculine in myself. I think he manifests as sage, father, lover, and boy. The sage aspect I only just came to learn of recently during an active imagination session during therapy where he just kinda popped up as a humble old man. Maybe more like a grandfather figure. Obviously the father aspect is what I’m working on mostly right now with my acknowledgement of Father God and also with the Daddy Dom dynamic going on with me.
I believe though that the healing of my inner father has made the animus as lover reappear, and with Daddy’s influence reflecting him inside me is causing a new inner integration of sorts. Then there is the little boy but I don’t really know him, I know he’s there but never really been a focus. Mostly my inner child is focused on me as a girl, which makes more sense since I was a young girl at one point, being of the female sex.
I am not sure yet whether to relate to these aspects all as one integrated whole as I do my inner child, my reasoning and intuition says I should, that that’s kinda the idea. I have an inner male and an inner female, and I am exploring both. My inner female or anima would be comprised of crone, mother, lover, and girl, much like the mirror image of my inner male.
I think beyond all that though, I am a spark of the Divine, and that God/Goddess is ultimately what is at my core. I won’t identify with it and say that makes me God/Goddess because that’s definitely not true (and definitely not healthy for the ego to identify that way, as I know from previous experience), but maybe one could call it the higher self.
All in all I have an interesting picture of myself building up lately. I have human parts and non human parts, archetypes and multidimensional soul pieces. I am Pleiadian, Faerie, Witch, Feline, Child, Male, Female, and Divine, all as one and yet separately. There are probably many more aspects I have not explored yet, but these currently are the focus.
So it is an interesting time in my life right now full of new explorations and revisiting old explorations shed in the light of new situations and I am enjoying it. I am feeling healthy and still as positive as ever. I am trying hardest ultimately to be the best version of myself and follow my joy and as much as is possible be an embodiment of the love I wish to see in the world. And hopefully with all my learning and exploration I will better be able to become the healer I know I was born one day to be.