Earth my body
Water my blood
Air my breath
And Fire my spirit
– Traditional folk song
Earth my body
Water my blood
Air my breath
And Fire my spirit
– Traditional folk song
Hallowmas (Samhain) – 31st of October
The Deepening: The Goddess descends into Herself entering the in the spirit world of the dreams time.
Winter Solstice (Yule) – 21st of December
The Conception: The Goddess is not physically giving birth to a new human being, but as Crone begins to leave the physical world in order to conceive Herself as daughter of light, so the new life-cycle can start again.
Imbolc (Candlemas) – 1st February
The Awakening: The Goddess, after conceiving Herself, evolves into the Maiden form. This is also the time for initiations into The Dianic Tradition.
Spring Equinox (Ostara) – 21st of March
The Emergence: The Spring Maiden, reborn from the earth, emerges from the winter, exploding into an epiphany of flowers and green hills, symbol of life in all its glory.
May Eve (Maiden Fire) – 1st of May
The Menarche, The Flowering: The Maiden is initiated into women’s mysteries through the menarche, her first blood. The passion awakes and the girl becomes a young woman.
Summer Solstice (Litha) – 21st of June
The Union: The Goddess, as young woman, after having experienced the joy of the union with the creative self, sexual and sensual, becomes pregnant of Her own creations. This season marks the transition from the Virgin to the Mother, creatrix and giver of life.
First Harvest (Lammas) – 1st of August
The Ripening: The Great Mother is honored as supporter of life and giver of nutriment for Her daughters and their sons.
Fall Equinox (Modron) – 21st of September
The Descent: The Great Mother has completed Her creative process and now she stops bleeding, beginning her physical transition to the Crone and preparing herself to descent into the spirit world.
– Taken from The Dianic Wheel of the Year (Sabbats)
Happy almost spring to my followers, Candlemas has passed and Ostara is on the way. The temperature is warming outside with Valentine’s Day being a whopping 14 degrees Celsius, which had me sitting outside in the sun with a sleeveless top catching some rays! Although I do put the earlier warmer temperature down to global warming which is definitely not a good thing, it does feel nice that spring is in the air anyway. The early spring flowers are blooming such as snow drops, celandine, primroses, violets, and daffodils. I love the feeling it gives me, it’s like I can smell the new hope in the air for the future. Even though I enjoyed winter, there’s something that feels different about this spring to previous springs I passed.
It is true it could be due to having broke up with Graeme, but as my heart would have it, I have ended up falling in love again totally unexpectedly. It is funny as I remember I did a love spell literally the day after we broke up to find new love by spring, and I joined dating sites for that but I got tired and closed all my accounts down and forgot about my spell. But it was still working in the background anyway it turns out! And that closing my accounts down was more Divinely inspired than I realised as I ended up shortly reconnecting with a friend online that I was in contact with before I met Graeme. It was not planned or expected although I had feelings for him all that time ago, this time the feelings were way more intense than I’d remembered and at first I thought because we live so far away from each other that we would just not really do anything about it again.
But my heart and the universe it seems had other plans and I just fell in love all over again and it suddenly became something I had to pursue and knew I wouldn’t be happy unless I had made it become reality (of course if he desired it too). The connection was just so intense, finding myself experiencing a lot of feelings I hadn’t before. And how ironic that we reconnected just after I decided I was done with the feminist movement and pretending to be a lesbian which I wasn’t. I am bisexual, I was just hurt with men and somewhat brainwashed by lesbian radical feminists that all men were evil whether they knew it or not. So it’s like I had to work through that first and then I could fall in love again with the right person (who turned out to be a man). I don’t think I would’ve been so open to reconnecting otherwise since I had been flirting with the idea of female separatism.
The radical feminists can do their own thing, but I guess I am just not one anymore. I learned so many things from them as a whole but I was disappointed by the way they treated each other (and the wider community as a whole) and besides there is something else that basically makes me a traitor to the radical feminism movement now. And that is the fact that me falling in love again has not turned out to be ‘vanilla’ dynamic for lack of a better term, but instead a Daddy Dominant/Little girl dynamic. Writing about it does make me feel a little embarrassed but I figured I should get over it at some point since when you love someone so much you just want to talk about them, it just turns out when I will refer to him as my Daddy now. Not everywhere but I think I feel safe enough on this blog to do so.
Anyway this is why I can’t consider myself a radical feminist any longer because I know the Dd/Lg dynamic is considered pedophilic and incestual and predatory which is completely understandable. But it is entirely consensual and between two adults and it’s not really something I want to fight since something inside me wants to explore this. Also it did just progress organically on its own, and I guess that happens in life. Life always amazes me with its plot twists!
So what am I? I haven’t a clue anymore. Labels aren’t important I suppose, it is just an entirely new shifting of understanding my own self-identity in relation to the world around me. The questions I have been asking myself to get more clarity on what I should now believe that my mind has been exposed to new concepts. It was also another reminder to myself that we never do stay the same nor can we, we are always changing, and as they say change is the only constant in life. And just at a time when I started to feel more sure of myself and what I thought myself to be, I was smacked in the face by reality again and given another wake up call. But I have kind of gotten used to it now. I have a lot of Pluto energy in my natal astrological chart, and as it is in Scorpio in First House that makes it secondarily dominant alongside Mercury (My dominant planet being Venus of course which explains my lifelong focus on understanding and experiencing love as deeply as possible).
Talking of Pluto, I have compared our charts and there is also a lot of Pluto energy going on there which isn’t surprising. As a Pluto dominant I guess my relationships will always have a lot of Pluto energy flying around as well. There is Pluto-Venus which is the twin-flame marker, but also this time unlike in other relationships there is a lot of steady Saturn energy which is a breath of relief. I am hoping that means finally this will be the long-term love I have been waiting for. Intense and passionate because of the Pluto yes, but steady and stable because of Saturn.
And so this is what it has turned into, a need to be together and cross that distance and make a life together no matter what. I am so hopeful and excited though insecure at times as I am used to men abandoning me these days. But I feel through all those times I was abandoned I learned a lot of much needed lessons too which has brought me to this point where I finally feel like I am ready for something real. And too not to mention it’s not just romantically I’ve been abandoned but in a fatherly sense, growing up with an abusive ex step-father, and then being disowned by my biological father after never seeing him most of my life. So with my recent re-acceptance of the Divine Masculine or God as Father, has come an entirely new opportunity to explore that side of life again in a safe place. My inner child feels loved and wanted and finally has someone to call a Daddy where never before I had. I never remember growing up and saying the word ‘Daddy’ with anything but feelings of fear and I certainly never said ‘Daddy I love you’, only once when I was forced to so again it was a fearful situation. So being able suddenly to have someone I can call Daddy in such a loving way feels like the healing my soul needed all this time without me having realised. It was a sense of “I never even considered this before but now I am exploring it, it just feels so right”. And that is what is happening.
I also believe it links to my age regression after the psychotic episode I had which left me with dissociative identity disorder. I told my therapist this and she thinks it highly relates. The Dd/Lg community is not always to do with age regression but there is some of that too depending on the specific needs of the couple. Of course I am not age regressed anymore but I think due to having been age regressed I am more sensitive to my inner child in a way that most people might not be. And so I can feel her reemerging these days with Daddy but in a much healthier way, a way which allows me as the adult to remain in charge. As they say in the multiple community, Adult me controls the head space. But little me has some free run again now.
So it may seem weird from the outside but it gives me such a feeling of freedom I can’t really express, a feeling of being able to revisit the past and rewrite it. And that is healing and a beautiful feeling, and I think it also takes a special kind of man to be okay with that and want to nurture it. I feel so lucky and sometimes have to mentally pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming because even though he was not at all what I expected, he is what I never realised I desired more than anything.
So yes I am very in love and this is what this post is about. I have fallen in love again and I feel very optimistic, because my love spell worked and spring is on the way and everything is syncing up right now in my life. I am so grateful for the Goddess for listening to my prayers and helping my magick manifest in the way best for me. Maybe the last relationship didn’t work out, but I look back already now and think it was for the best. And the Goddess knew it, and I know that because ever since I have become devoted to worshipping her, she has done nothing but brought the best into my life.
1. Know yourself
2. Know your Craft
4. Apply knowledge with wisdom
5. Achieve balance
6. Keep your words in good order
7. Keep your thoughts in good order
8. Celebrate life
9. Attune with the cycles of the Earth
10. Breathe and eat correctly
11. Exercise the body
13. Honour the Goddess and God
– Taken from Scott Cunningham Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner
Whimpering for effervescence, yours
Rapture, ransom, redemption and release
Proffer me sanguine;
On my knees.
Dwelling on my own insignificance
And submerging myself in the power of inexhaustible self-pity
A spasmodic conversion rips tautly across my chest
Activating lesions I thought were no longer fresh
I crave love like an alcoholic her liquid drug
And too I try to give up this obnoxious compulsion for normalcy
Because the stroke of charred varnish on the brush of my insanity
Extends far too broadly and awakes all so suddenly
When the bane gurgles up through my veins
I feel vacuous at times
And consider if anything will ever fill this desolate quietude within
Tears well up when I remember my own woeful proclivities
And my breast sears open in desolate misery
Why am I horror-struck by half of humanity?
Those jerks had me acting out as an hysterical succubus
Until I was diagnosed as certifiably deranged
Which I tried to forget with my half-yearly bout of amnesia
But instead spiralled deeper into infirmity and acroamatic rape
Can I be delivered? Am I deserving of this life?
Some mournful remnant weeps within
And clenches my internal organs tight
Hoping that if clenched hard enough
No longer will remain the disenchantment of being alive
This is a silent siren of sorrow
Of a young girl maltreated, ostracised, and forsaken
Yet used to it all the same
I’m sorry for the distress I put you through little one
For the suffering of this affliction
This time not physical as a blade that scarred my wrists, hips, and thighs
But instead a total disembodiment of my own self
I’m sure I deceased that night
Or maybe I was already slain
Who can blame that tormented toddler after being projected to the depths of the underworld
In despair and barbarism at the hands of unimaginably vile creatures
Fuck that son of a bitch for what he did
Fuck his existence, fuck his face
May he putrefy and decay in disgrace
This enmity inside is just an endless war to emancipate my voice
To be relieved, to be released
Even when the social worker visited at the tender age of eight
With my eye black and bruised
And welts on my back
Sound was yet not heard
And at twelve when I tried to forewarn the pompous pastor of being nothing more than a child-slave
I was forced to face a vacant wall for weeks on end with hands held ceaselessly upon my head
Oh how my arms weighed
They became insensate
And love was never present
Neither at home nor outside its walls
Despite simplistic narcissistic illusion
Sequestered and forlorn as I was within those four walls
With hands around my neck for wanting to see an insensible male friend
Well, who can blame me for feeling like my very existence is a harrowing affliction to all whom pass me by?
It never goes away
I just learn to live with the debilitating and dishonourable disdain
When will I procure respite?
When will life let up on this foul misfortune?
Was I Jack the Ripper in another aeon?
Am I making up for trespasses long gone?
Or is this just disastrous fate?
How did I offend the gods so?
I want to gather the fractures of myself and affix them anew
With gleaming gold epoxy as in that Japanese adage
And maybe one day my scars will be more precious for it
But sometimes all I feel is the deadly expanse between the porcelain truths
Negative images of a future that no longer subsists
And who knows if this is the only variant of me that is
Goddess I pray so, because the aberrant recourse presses against me from all sides
Has the cosmos really given up on me?
Prithee, I petition for a token, for confidence and a piety I never once felt
Let me anticipate again, even though I am near now self-erased
May my affection feel again
Shielded, insulated, impregnable
Without fright nor strain
The excruciating egg shells lie scattered now far beyond the shadows
Still their dusty remains harrow deep within the soles of my feet
And disturb me every time I take a step forward with a weary wheeze
Will you come and sup this tainted breath out my lungs with a reverent tongue?
Is there really hope? So long have I been dragged through mud and mire;
I am necessitous for repose of my cynical soul
So, pray, let it be.
It must be.
Sparkles and glitter
Within a world concealed to the norm
Lacy black suspenders
Strapped to my plump derriere
With thigh highs and titillating bared skin
Two parts of me yet unexplored
The virginal maid and the seductive whore
Are you yet another apparition of my core?
Daddy, I love you
An utterance that never once passed my deadened lips
Until this tender age of five and twenty
Screw the world and its abandoning me
Fuck the system that should’ve protected me
Now I am a little Lolita once more
No more downcast but gently adored
With pastel colours, fluffy blankets, and the sucking of my thumb
For solace in re-imagining of the past
Yeah it may be queer
But the rules are fluid
Like gravity’s magic keeps us upright despite being upended
So here’s to the pretty meadows of my heart
And the fortunate guardian within
My cunning champion of healing.