Happy new year to all my readers and I hope this is the year all your dreams come true. I definitely hope that for myself as well!! It has been a long and hard few months, with depression turning up on my doorstep again at times and demanding attention. Anxiety too has been off the charts at times with panic attacks and full on dissociative attacks as well. A lot has changed especially with the ending of my last relationship and it’s been very difficult to navigate through life at times. When the one person who supported me the most is suddenly gone it made me realise how much I didn’t even know I relied on his strength. It has been a tough journey of trying to find my own strength in the void he left behind inside.
I am not yet ready to find new love or a new relationship, but I can sense something is on the horizon for the future. Most likely the more distant future rather than the near future, but the feeling gives me something to look forward to and to hope in on the days things get tough. Love does make you stronger absolutely and it’s not a bad thing to desire that. I think the unhealthy thing would be becoming dependent on it, which I think I am doing well with healing in that regards. But I do have a lot of new friends I’ve met recently online and they keep me going. I’ve surrounded myself with nice people and have prayed to Déa also and she has brought people into my life to keep me going. Déa is always so good to me and she always answers my prayers. I am not used to being heard but she always hears me and I feel so blessed and grateful.
Lately more than ever I am trying to walk the path of love and compassion and peace and kindness and harmony. I am trying to love with all my being, I am trying to make the world a better place in my own way. I have a gratefulness journal that I write in most nights and I have been reading and listening to much more positive spiritual inspirations which expand upon how to live and embody love. It is beautiful and I’m glad that despite the breakup I have not lost sight of what love feels like but have even deepened my expression of it in another way. And I feel like where there is love there is no separation between anyone, as love is that which bonds together.
Unfortunately, even that hasn’t been easy at the best of times. With making more friends includes making more potential enemies. Not intentionally but there are always people you will find you don’t actually get on with in the end or that you’re actually a pretty terrible match. I’ve had some people I’d considered friends to betray me and stab me in the back. I’ve also had complete strangers calling me all sorts of nasty slurs due to having developed radical feminist ideas which painted me automatically evil in their eyes. I have been trying to respond with nothing but love as much as I can, and it’s been a battle. It’s been a battle that has wore me down and realised I need to take time out and get back to my center, to my spirit.
See, I found myself as part of the feminist community due to my interest in the Divine Feminine. I found peace in God as Mother and empowerment for the first time in myself as a woman, created in Her image. I loved it. And I naively believed all feminists were loving women who built each other up, just as I had found myself built up inside. But I was wrong and I learned that there is nothing more than serious infighting going on within the feminist community, where hating others for having different opinions is almost fashionable and where little real empowering seems to actually go on. And so I’ve been feeling heartbroken at what a mess we have made for ourselves as women and feeling like we have just completely missed the point when it comes to validating ourselves as human beings with equal rights. It is not right women tell each other to die out of spite because they don’t agree with a post. These were some of the things I had been dealing with myself. It has been very depressing.
So I have decided to take a step back, and in doing so I have managed to somewhat disconnect the image of the Divine Feminine now from femininity in general which has been twisted by humankind. And I realised if I can do that with the Divine Feminine I can also do that with the Divine Masculine. What has happened then is a kind of breakthrough with being able to easier accept God as Father in a totally loving and non judgemental way. Because He is not the patriarchy. He has only been conflated in my head with the patriarchy my entire life. But now I can begin to dissociate that image from him.
Goodness is not gender specific as I have learned because neither is evil. Humankind as a whole has the potential for both within but God is above all that. God is The Good, as the Neoplatonists call it. And anything that is not good does not come from God. Therefore it makes sense suddenly that these distinctions I have given to male and female energies don’t particularly make sense anymore. Father God and Mother God are both loving, compassionate, wise, protective, nurturing, strengthening… these traits are not gender specific, they are just The Good expressing Itself through two primary Forms. The God and The Goddess. Father God and Mother Spirit. The Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine. Logos and Wisdom. Déa and Deus. Both are separate and yet One. Praying to one is praying to the other. And from our Heavenly Parents is born all life. The Goddess birthed us in her Wisdom. The God programmed our biology with his Word. They are the ultimate template for creation itself and neither are single parents.
And among all this discovery and at times difficult healing I am learning new things on my spiritual path. I have been corresponding more with Aphrodite who is teaching me more about how to walk the narrow path of divine love, even though she has not let me formally devote myself to her. I do not know why that is. But even though I have made a lot of spiritual progress lately, I have actually been feeling a bit deadened to being able to connect to the spirits themselves. Perhaps it is part of the depression I have been struggling with which is dulling my psychic senses. But despite that I am taking good care to look after myself and my body during some of these difficult times. Perhaps I am just going through a fallow period or strengthening in other areas of spirituality and having a break from my usual face to face spirit work. Either way I am growing in new ways I never considered to be possible before and I’m loving it.
I have also started therapy again, this time private. I have been enjoying it so far and been getting a lot of benefit out of it. Going through my entire mental health history was laborious and embarrassing at times but it is one of those things that need to be done so she can help me to the fullest extent of her ability. She’s very hands on based and uses a lot of arts and crafts in her therapy sessions. I enjoy that because it makes it playful and sort of appeals to my inner child and makes the inner work much more palatable. In fact I have a scrap book where I will get to store all my creations in relation to my psyche which is a cool idea so I can look back on it in future and see how far I’ve come. I just felt like it was time again to have therapy to keep moving forward in my life and so I don’t end up going backwards instead due to the breakup. I needed that support which I got from my ex before and decided a therapist was the best idea. So that is one part of self care I am glad I followed through on and I am all the more better for it.
Health wise I have my narcolepsy overnight sleep exam coming up in just under two weeks so I hope that brings a final conclusion, I have also been able to wean down a little on the hydrocortisone as I feel my adrenals are healing. The fatigue and symptoms I experience have not gone entirely but when I first started taking hydrocortisone I could only walk half an hour once a week. Now I am walking an hour or two about an average of four times a week. That is a massive improvement and I’m so proud of myself and glad I decided to treat myself this way. The doctors have been no use at all, saying I was meant to be seeing an Endocrinologist within five days as it was apparently classed as urgent but I was told that almost exactly a year ago now and I still haven’t seen him, and nor will I for at least another six months or so I was told. This is quite awful service as adrenals are no joke, their acting up can be life threatening, so I may just file a complaint with the NHS. Thankfully, it seems that my adrenals aren’t the main cause of my problem, but certainly have had a lot to do with my chronic fatigue conditions.
Now besides that there is one other thing I wanted to mention. I had found myself thinking about the Pleiadians yet again and grudgingly admitting to myself that yes I am a Pleiadian, and I even got a starseed astrological reading to confirm it, which it did. I always knew I had a connection to the Pleiades and I still know it now. And I have been attempting to make contact with my Pleiadian soul family. I’ve not had much luck yet with establishing a go-to ally, but I have met some strangers from the Pleiades here and there. They are lovely beings and I decided I love that I am Pleiadian after all, as it especially explains so much about me. So I am definitely also in a period of learning about this part of my spirituality too. My origins, my karma so to speak, my soul purpose, and my personality. It’s no surprise that I’ve had a lot of problem with negative Pleiadian entities and I think that is due to my past life as an actual Pleiadian. I don’t understand the ins and outs specifically, all I know is that it’s time for me to deal with this karma and connect finally to the truly Divine Pleiadians whom wish me nothing but love and peace and harmony. And I cannot wait to get to return to them when my life here is up.
On a side note I have been having a lot of visions lately about being specifically a Pleiadian Mermaid. That is totally surprising to me as I prefer the Earth as an element than Water, but I have always had a strongest connection to Water when it comes to working directly with the elements. For example when I cast a circle, water is always so willing and eager to come through and help me. The others take a bit more coaxing in their various degrees.
So that is a little update to where I am now and what’s going on in my life. I hope I have remembered to put everything down and I apologise it’s been so long since a proper update. But overall the message is I’m doing okay still and am working towards a better future. Things may not always go how we want or expect, but we can still try to make things easy and happy for us despite the external circumstances that might make things hard.