It is nearly midnight and I am unable to sleep. And you have crossed my mind again. I find myself talking to you from afar, hoping somehow you’ll hear me, but I doubt it. Then I have this idea to write a cathartic letter. Get out what I’m feeling right now.
Well first off, I want to say sorry for the way things ended. I was cold and blunt and it wasn’t very nice after two years of love shared. I wish I could take back some of my words and express myself more nicely. But I was angry so it’s not too unusual. I just wish I could have a do over. At the very least I wish I could say sorry properly to you, but I can’t because I know if I ever open that line of communication again I will be a wreck hoping for every little sign that will say there is a future for us, when clearly there isn’t. I don’t want to delude myself. I had so much faith in us to the point I thought you would want to work things out. In the end my faith, my vision, my hope was wrong, and I can’t fool myself into believing that will ever be a reality.
How have I been since the breakup? Some good some bad. My recovery is going great, I wish I could share that with you, it would make you happy. I am walking nearly every day and even went swimming the other day. I miss sharing the moments of my life with my best friend. Now I have no friend. I am alone. But I am not letting myself feel lonely. Only in the nights like this when my mind and body are restless and won’t settle and I inevitably find myself almost meditating on your presence again. Weird that.
I cut ties with you but it feels like you’re still here. Will you leave eventually? I hope so, for now this part of the healing is good for me but it would be torturous if your presence lingered continuously. And yet I wonder if it will precisely because of the love we shared… It doesn’t matter that in the end we were apparently wrong for each other does it? The love was real and because of that maybe I will always feel it. And that’s kinda why I just never want to date again.
I freed up my heart from your energy and yet it still feels like you belong here. Maybe I just have more to free up. As long as you’re here how can I love anyone else? Maybe I can’t, and maybe that’s okay. Just don’t love anyone else either okay? Well, that’s a far fetched wish, some romantic bullshit. I’m sure you’ll probably fall in love again someday and be with the woman who really makes you feel like you can overcome your fears of commitment. I’m sorry I’m not that woman. I wish I was, but alas, I’m not.
I always say there is better love out there. And maybe it’s true. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will love me better. But you can never be replaced. Trust me I already tried. Joined all the dating sites, sent out a load of feelers and received a load back myself. I thought I just needed to pick up with my love life where I left off. That maybe I could have my happy ending that I wanted with you all along. That maybe someone would come and fill that void and make me forget. But they can’t, it’s not possible. So I have just accepted you may be here to stay, and that our hearts will always have some space reserved for each other. Right? Who knows.
Ah that phrase you loved so much. So much of my newly forming identity was shaped around you, and I couldn’t have asked for a better role model. The healing your love had on me was profound, especially after the breakup which is weird (I expected I would be traumatised and back to square one, in fact the opposite happened…) so yeah I may be mad on some level about the way things ended and that I don’t feel good enough for you, but that 1% of negativity doesn’t cancel out the other 99% of soul to soul connection we had and the beauty and gentleness shared.
I always loved your gentleness. It was the one thing I first noticed when we first met. Your heart was so gentle. It’s exactly what I needed, and now I am not so angry it is still what gets me through during hard times. I imagine you there saying or doing something that would make me feel better in real life, and then it really does give me strength. It reminds me of all these romcoms I watch on Netflix where after a breakup the person keeps hallucinating of their ex. That’s probably what’s happening here. I’m just hallucinating. But hey you’re a helpful hallucination so who am I to tell it to go away? As long as it keeps good boundaries and doesn’t start to bother me lol. Got enough experiencing with telling hallucinations to go away anyway. I did at first with yours but then I realised doing so took my strength away rather than added to it. So like I said I just accepted it. I have to listen what’s right for me, and right now this is it.
Well, I think I have expressed everything I want to. I do feel better. I doubt you will ever read this. I will post it on my blog for my own sake but you don’t know about my blog (that I’m aware of) so yeah. Again, I’m sorry things ended this way, and that my only response at the end was to shut down emotionally, and I’m sorry that you will probably never hear from me again or that we cannot simply just be friends. Such a thing would be far too stressful on me. It would hurt me far more than this, and like I said, I have to do what’s right for me.
But I will never forget you GB. I will never forget the beautiful gift of yourself that you shared with me for those almost two years. It doesn’t matter what happens in the future, I am sure a piece of you will always stay with me. And for that I am grateful, because I couldn’t ask for a better guardian angel.