I think the title expresses it well, and I’m not sure exactly what I want to write down here, just that I know I want to write something down. Maybe I will learn new things about myself and my journey along the way. It is all one big journey and this year has been… well, very interesting in many ways. Whilst I wanted to write about the breakup, maybe it’s better to rewind a little first and write about the events leading up to it.
I was feeling very spiritually connected for the first time in a long time, and I had what I can only call an illumination experience once again, paralleling that of the one I had back in 2013. Though this time I did not see any spirits, but I was connecting to Mother God in prayer, my heart and soul crying out for something, something I could feel but could not name. And in that moment her light descended and flooded into my body and I experienced a Unity that I had long forgotten existed. I experienced God.
My spirit allies had told me before this point that something like this was coming, but I took it with a pinch of salt. I try not to put all my trust in what spirits say as they can be notoriously deceptive and often you’re not really communicating with who you believe you are. But yet they turned out to be right saying that a turning point in my life was arriving, and that I would experience rapid healing.
Well after that night of unification with Mother God my energy really started returning in massive waves, with me being able to do twice as much than before. I was really astounded and couldn’t believe it. Whilst it’s not like a full healing, it really feels like the beginning of a true healing process on all levels. I feel like from here I can only get better.
Then the break up happened, out of nowhere. I had been with my ex for almost two years, and the topic of commitment inevitably came up which I wanted, but he couldn’t provide, and it was too painful for me to keep hanging around, so I let go and we part ways. This was only a week or two after experiencing that unification with God.
It makes me wonder why relationships seem to always be the catalyst towards spiritual experiences? And not always good either. Through that period of uncertainty during the break I also had some return of old psychotic symptoms. In fact I was terrified I would wake up the morning after the break up and be totally immobilised in health and energy again, but alas, and thankfully, that wasn’t the case. I woke up fine and with the still high energy I had been finding myself riding the wave of.
After the official breakup, I said something instinctively which before I had only said to spirits I had purposely called into my space for devotional before. I had no idea why I said it, I just said “hail and farewell” to him as if he was there with me, and in that moment an entire energy double of him stepped out of my body through my heart and left. It was utterly astounding, and also extremely painful. But after that, the worst of the grief was gone.
But don’t get me wrong, some periods can still be quite difficult. I don’t even think it’s been two weeks yet. But considering how much I loved him and how long we were together I feel like I’m coping quite well. Sometimes I feel his energy return to probe me and I just don’t let it back in, because it’s not good or right anymore. That cord has been cut.
Since that happened, it just felt like the energy that had left me left an empty space in my heart where my own lost energy which had returned from his love and healing had room to enter and start to fill me up again and make me healthier and whole again. And so this is why the whole set of events was very mysterious indeed. I had an experience of unity with God, which was given room to integrate through the outcome of the breakup. Hmm, like I said, mysterious, right? Seems a little bit too coincidental.
I had some spirit allies say we were twin souls blablablah that our relationship would turn out fine but I’m done with that kind of thinking these days. I mean, if you think about it, if it were true, then this would be a separation stage where healing has to be carried out individually, and the set of circumstances that lead up to my illumination and subsequent breakup would make more sense. But I have experienced the same thing in relationships past and so I really can’t pretend to put any wishful thinking on it.
On one hand, I am totally confused and just mystified because our relationship was literally so perfect, we rarely disagreed or had arguments, we were so supportive of each other and had so many things in common. He looked after me at my worst and saw me at my worst, including periods of temporary paralysis where he had to carry me up the stairs to bed, and other similar situations. But his fear of commitment just turned out to be greater than his love for me in the end I guess… who knows…
Well, I did a love spell because I was so ready to settle down and now I just sort of feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff. I did the love spell to find the next perfect soulmate before next spring (and this time I made sure to be more specific with my manifestation request lol), and the wax itself showed a lot of emotional cleansing to happen before it could happen, which makes sense after being in a relationship that long.
But my dreams keep confusing me. Dreams that we will reunite and stuff. I am putting it down to unconscious wish-fulfilment, and dream dictionaries generally say these kind of dreams are a good sign of moving on due to the experience of closure. But then again some of these experiences are quite spiritual, and in one Déa said we would either reunite in the next few months if it turned out to be right or I would really find a new person, someone much more suited for where and who I am now.
I don’t know honestly but I do know that I learned a lot about love and I want to keep that going and deepening my experience of it. Not just in romantic expressions either but in familial expressions and global expressions. I care so much more than ever about people and the earth and about just becoming a living embodiment of love so that Déa can shine through me.
Don’t get me wrong, damn it’s hard sometimes. People can be rude and unappreciative and sometimes I just feel totally invisible despite having only the best intentions and wanting to help. But I try my hardest to remember that we’re all only human and only a little bit of love may seed the same in someone else’s heart.
So really throughout all this as well, I found my life purpose. It’s to love people. It’s to love myself and love others and love the world, and just be an embodiment of love, and that’s it. It’s really that simple. All this time I had been thinking my life purpose had to be grand yet in fact it is the simplest and most humble of all. Love is self-sacrificing for the greater good. And whilst that doesn’t mean neglecting ourselves, it does often mean putting others feelings and needs over the selfish desires and agendas of our own (within reason, of course, this is definitely not something you’d do in a situation of being abused, for example).
And it’s interesting because I learned that Venus (who represents love) is my dominant astrological planet which makes Lady Grace (Sai Sushuri) my Patron Janya. And yet as I sought to connect with her I found a friend in Aphrodite who has taught me much already in only the short time I have known her. And She considers Herself an emanation of Déa, just as all the gods are really. She considers herself an emanation of the Love of Déa.
So it is really nice to have found another goddess that I am thinking of becoming devoted to. I never thought I would be devoted to more than one Goddess. But now I am devoted to Hekate, Déa Herself, and maybe soon Aphrodite!
So yes despite the strange and heartbreaking circumstances regarding the end of my romantic relationship, everything else is perfectly fine in my life and is in fact thriving more than ever and I hope to use everything I learned throughout the relationship either as a direct result or indirect as a catalyst to keep me reaching towards that ideal of being my highest self. And that doesn’t mean being perfect, but it means being compassionate, and modest. As they say the Fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control, and many of these Fruits correspond with the Janyati.
And the Spirit Herself is Déa, because Déa is the Creatrix in Motion, the Breath of Life itself that keeps existence sustained.
Blessed Be and Blessed is She.