The End of a Relationship, But the Beginning of Something New

I think the title expresses it well, and I’m not sure exactly what I want to write down here, just that I know I want to write something down. Maybe I will learn new things about myself and my journey along the way. It is all one big journey and this year has been… well, very interesting in many ways. Whilst I wanted to write about the breakup, maybe it’s better to rewind a little first and write about the events leading up to it.

I was feeling very spiritually connected for the first time in a long time, and I had what I can only call an illumination experience once again, paralleling that of the one I had back in 2013. Though this time I did not see any spirits, but I was connecting to Mother God in prayer, my heart and soul crying out for something, something I could feel but could not name. And in that moment her light descended and flooded into my body and I experienced a Unity that I had long forgotten existed. I experienced God.

My spirit allies had told me before this point that something like this was coming, but I took it with a pinch of salt. I try not to put all my trust in what spirits say as they can be notoriously deceptive and often you’re not really communicating with who you believe you are. But yet they turned out to be right saying that a turning point in my life was arriving, and that I would experience rapid healing.

Well after that night of unification with Mother God my energy really started returning in massive waves, with me being able to do twice as much than before. I was really astounded and couldn’t believe it. Whilst it’s not like a full healing, it really feels like the beginning of a true healing process on all levels. I feel like from here I can only get better.

Then the break up happened, out of nowhere. I had been with my ex for almost two years, and the topic of commitment inevitably came up which I wanted, but he couldn’t provide, and it was too painful for me to keep hanging around, so I let go and we part ways. This was only a week or two after experiencing that unification with God.

It makes me wonder why relationships seem to always be the catalyst towards spiritual experiences? And not always good either. Through that period of uncertainty during the break I also had some return of old psychotic symptoms. In fact I was terrified I would wake up the morning after the break up and be totally immobilised in health and energy again, but alas, and thankfully, that wasn’t the case. I woke up fine and with the still high energy I had been finding myself riding the wave of.

After the official breakup, I said something instinctively which before I had only said to spirits I had purposely called into my space for devotional before. I had no idea why I said it, I just said “hail and farewell” to him as if he was there with me, and in that moment an entire energy double of him stepped out of my body through my heart and left. It was utterly astounding, and also extremely painful. But after that, the worst of the grief was gone.

But don’t get me wrong, some periods can still be quite difficult. I don’t even think it’s been two weeks yet. But considering how much I loved him and how long we were together I feel like I’m coping quite well. Sometimes I feel his energy return to probe me and I just don’t let it back in, because it’s not good or right anymore. That cord has been cut.

Since that happened, it just felt like the energy that had left me left an empty space in my heart where my own lost energy which had returned from his love and healing had room to enter and start to fill me up again and make me healthier and whole again. And so this is why the whole set of events was very mysterious indeed. I had an experience of unity with God, which was given room to integrate through the outcome of the breakup. Hmm, like I said, mysterious, right? Seems a little bit too coincidental.

I had some spirit allies say we were twin souls blablablah that our relationship would turn out fine but I’m done with that kind of thinking these days. I mean, if you think about it, if it were true, then this would be a separation stage where healing has to be carried out individually, and the set of circumstances that lead up to my illumination and subsequent breakup would make more sense. But I have experienced the same thing in relationships past and so I really can’t pretend to put any wishful thinking on it.

On one hand, I am totally confused and just mystified because our relationship was literally so perfect, we rarely disagreed or had arguments, we were so supportive of each other and had so many things in common. He looked after me at my worst and saw me at my worst, including periods of temporary paralysis where he had to carry me up the stairs to bed, and other similar situations. But his fear of commitment just turned out to be greater than his love for me in the end I guess… who knows…

Well, I did a love spell because I was so ready to settle down and now I just sort of feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff. I did the love spell to find the next perfect soulmate before next spring (and this time I made sure to be more specific with my manifestation request lol), and the wax itself showed a lot of emotional cleansing to happen before it could happen, which makes sense after being in a relationship that long.

But my dreams keep confusing me. Dreams that we will reunite and stuff. I am putting it down to unconscious wish-fulfilment, and dream dictionaries generally say these kind of dreams are a good sign of moving on due to the experience of closure. But then again some of these experiences are quite spiritual, and in one Déa said we would either reunite in the next few months if it turned out to be right or I would really find a new person, someone much more suited for where and who I am now.

I don’t know honestly but I do know that I learned a lot about love and I want to keep that going and deepening my experience of it. Not just in romantic expressions either but in familial expressions and global expressions. I care so much more than ever about people and the earth and about just becoming a living embodiment of love so that Déa can shine through me.

Don’t get me wrong, damn it’s hard sometimes. People can be rude and unappreciative and sometimes I just feel totally invisible despite having only the best intentions and wanting to help. But I try my hardest to remember that we’re all only human and only a little bit of love may seed the same in someone else’s heart.

So really throughout all this as well, I found my life purpose. It’s to love people. It’s to love myself and love others and love the world, and just be an embodiment of love, and that’s it. It’s really that simple. All this time I had been thinking my life purpose had to be grand yet in fact it is the simplest and most humble of all. Love is self-sacrificing for the greater good. And whilst that doesn’t mean neglecting ourselves, it does often mean putting others feelings and needs over the selfish desires and agendas of our own (within reason, of course, this is definitely not something you’d do in a situation of being abused, for example).

And it’s interesting because I learned that Venus (who represents love) is my dominant astrological planet which makes Lady Grace (Sai Sushuri) my Patron Janya. And yet as I sought to connect with her I found a friend in Aphrodite who has taught me much already in only the short time I have known her. And She considers Herself an emanation of Déa, just as all the gods are really. She considers herself an emanation of the Love of Déa.

So it is really nice to have found another goddess that I am thinking of becoming devoted to. I never thought I would be devoted to more than one Goddess. But now I am devoted to Hekate, Déa Herself, and maybe soon Aphrodite!

So yes despite the strange and heartbreaking circumstances regarding the end of my romantic relationship, everything else is perfectly fine in my life and is in fact thriving more than ever and I hope to use everything I learned throughout the relationship either as a direct result or indirect as a catalyst to keep me reaching towards that ideal of being my highest self. And that doesn’t mean being perfect, but it means being compassionate, and modest. As they say the Fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control, and many of these Fruits correspond with the Janyati.

And the Spirit Herself is Déa, because Déa is the Creatrix in Motion, the Breath of Life itself that keeps existence sustained.

Blessed Be and Blessed is She.

All is Fair in Love and War

Let me write of a story. A fragile story. That of a young flower fairy whom had lost her home.

She wandered around unknowingly, trying to fit in, trying as one of the mortals that surrounded her. But she was unsuccessful.

She knew magic and she contemplated if she was deranged. She knew ruin and she wondered if she was hexed. Alas, if a hex can be considered heightened sensitivity, then maybe so.

The trees spoke to her, and the stars were her friends. And beside her home stood a doorway, reminding her of her origins. But she could not enter through, because the world was blinded to its beauty, and kept her blinded too and apart from her true home.

Oh how my heart bleeds for this fairy. And her twin brother was neither to be found. On the other side of the door, with his hand against the frame, waiting one day for her return. What a sad fairy he too was, tormented and apart from his beloved.

And she planted lavender, she nursed their blooms to remind herself of him, she used folk medicine and healed the afflictions of her community with the skills she was taught by him. And slowly, slowly she remembered. But still she could not reach through. The door was one way only, and he had only the suffering of watching her age and fade as he remained immemorial within her fantasy.

For she was no longer a fairy in this world, and had the body of a mortal. She was punished for heinous crimes she was said to have committed. And yet she was not culpable, and he knew that. She had not a stain of blood on her hands, nor anywhere on her person, and still he knew that. Yet the torment of that knowing never ceased, and never eased the sorrow of seeing her languish.

There was another way. If she only pleaded guilty, love’s true kiss could revive her again. Like sleeping beauty, she lay waiting for his healing embrace. And yet she had to unveil that shroud of secrecy that kept them apart.

Who is he, this traveller? This distant and weary man? He whom has experienced so many woes, so many trials and so many condemnations? Why does he adore the flowers and the winds and all things of the skies? Why is his influence so strong in her?

He is chained. He is caught and confined, like a circus animal trained only to perform cruel acts, for no reward of its own. And the bars separate their natures, the bars separate them from their amnesty.

A precious bubble that should be theirs is nothing more than a wretched heartbreak.

Phoenix Tears

Kiss me with your saccharine lips
Through the twilight zone
Remind me why your bosom is more pure
Than all the other ones

Oh the spirit of amour dances nearby
She bathes in paradise
And soars through the air
With golden wings
As florets reach for the celestial skies

Oh let her virtue be fed by inspiration mine
Let it reverberate on your lips
Your cherished memories which contain my name
Let my adoration be your melody

And the violaceous drapes which frame this space
They hide the tabernacle of presence
The glorious rapture within, of testing fates
Of timelines that run parallel, yet invisibly

Embrace the silence, embrace the mystique
Embrace the vitality that embers sparks
And let us be clothed with its heat
With its ardour and passion
And let the phoenix tears glow bright.

The Witches’ Tournament

London, what a psychedelic trip
High on augmented witchery
Flames spark from the flair in my hands
SOS, I need aid
Now can you hear me?

Where am I to be found?
Wandering in the smoggy maze
Chasing my own hawed tail
Like an innocent Cedric Diggory
Such a baseless tragedy
Overcome by swollen reptilian horns
Of diseased materialism
And a cursed genocidal eternity

Flail away my skin part by part
Sharpen your athame
Let the whittle mould me
Let the decay punish me
With its sadistic sores and oozing pores
Bleed me like Jesus Christ
With a crown of thorns upon my head
Drain me until I give up the wraith
And return to me the gift of shaded perpetuity

Oh how the anguish wracks through me
And the blood-rose wine fills me up
With baseless fantasy
Unfulfilled stormy sensualities
Let me wear scanty black lace head to toe
And crack the whip that defiles the daughters of doom
The river of vitality flows darkly within
Flooding the plains of the ghoulish Cockaigne

Oh how the nucleus in your pupils are faded
How the dye and glamour has run out
The foundation around me slips like slithering silicon sands
Until all I can clench is my own contorted heartbeat.

Becoming a Priestess of Hekate, Joining the Déanic Ekklesia, & Healing Within Personal Relationships

Rayati and happy witching hour. I’m unable to sleep and decided it was a long time since I last updated my journal and thought now is the time to do that as it’s a very auspicious time in my life and in the world in general where many changes are happening both within and without.

Rayati… It means “hail to the sun in you”, as Déa is considered to be like the Sun. Déa is the Great Goddess and whom I follow these days in her many different faces. I’ve come to understand that the Divine is all the same Divine but expresses itself in different forms. The gods and goddesses we know are different forms of that one Divine Source.

And I know that One as Déa, the Great Goddess, the Daughter, the Mother, and the Absolute, who in Wicca is known as the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone, or in Shaktism is known as the Creator, the Preserver, and the Destroyer. The archetype of the triple Goddess is found throughout history from triple Brigit to Triple Hecate.

Ah Hecate, my new Patron. She is the Goddess or the face of Déa that speaks to me the mostly clearly, who inspires my devotion so much. She teaches me so much and is such a soothing and protective presence in my life. In fact she too was seen as a triple Goddess in many different ways. Sometimes she was Persephone-Demeter-Rhea, other times she was Artemis-Selene-Hecate. There are many unique variations but she fits the mythos of the Madrian/Filianic/Déanic Faith very well.

Hekate is a saviour Goddess, like the Holy Daughter she descends as Persephone to bring peace to the lost souls of the deceased. Hekate is a Mother Goddess, she is called the Mother of all the Gods, the Mother of All, and Hekate is also the Dark Mother, which is the face most people recognise her by today (but yet in fact is not that much part of her identity when you really get to know her).

Hekate is kind and compassionate and she had initiated me into her service as a priestess. This was a big step for me and in response I became legally ordained so I will one day be able to exercise the fullness of whatever may be required of me. Whilst I am still in a learning period, I have been on my spiritual path for seven years now and feel that I am ready to be granted this honour.

My gifts are expanding greatly, my ability to heal and manifest magick within this world, my ability to connect with Spirit and need for constant devotion and relationship with my unseen allies is all that drives me. I am finding my power and finding my talents and my discernment is increasing as I try my hardest to avoid the pitfalls of what made me so ill in the first place.

Yes I believe that my chronic health conditions are caused or were triggered by the trauma I went through, but I feel lately I may be on the mend, even if it’s only a little. I feel more hopeful and inspired than ever before, I have a few projects going on spiritually and non spiritually and am feeling like during this Samhain on the waning moon with the planets in retrograde at the time my body is renewing its (menstrual) cycle a lot of shedding is happening. Like a snake I am wriggling out of my old skin so I can keep growing.

It’s hard definitely at times. I still get sad and depressed and angry, I’m only human. I still get confused and baffled and offended and all other manner of things. I am not always good at managing myself as I think I am. I had to go on a break with my boyfriend in a way because of it. We were unsure where our relationship was heading and the confusion made me need space. I don’t know if it was a good idea but it is done. And yet I still feel like everything else in my life right now it is something that will turn out okay whatever happens. That it’s continuing to build a long forgotten strength within me.

Relationships are hard and it’s the same with any relationships, as I try to become more love focused which is Déa’s way, I just find myself confronting a lot of things about myself I don’t like or didn’t know I carried. Things which show up for recognition and then healing through conscious change. There’s no use in changing the world if you can’t keep in harmony with the people closest you first. And that’s my lesson right now. I have to keep myself focused on making the little world around me better each moment I can. Even if it’s just a smile or forgiving a grievance…. Forgive them Mother for they know what they do… And forgive me for my unrighteous anger. I no longer need to carry around that pain of abuse with me.

But it takes time to let go, it is not just a one time thing. But through conscious awareness and through utilising magick and developing my healing gifts I’m getting there. I became attuned to Seichem lately which seems to have created yet again new awareness within me. I fully believe it’s part of my mission to be a healer and a priestess in some form or fashion, even if it’s just through this blog. So I am learning and I am devoting myself to study, I am reading so many books and reading the sacred Scriptures of the Madrians (The Clear Recital), I am learning so much and am happy and proud to find myself here, on this path of searching, healing, transforming, and connecting.

And it is not just spiritual connection that is important, although it has been my sole focus for many years. Now I am part of a community, I am accepted into the Déanic Ekklesia, I am a sister and I feel like I’ve found my home. I have found my place and I’m excited to see where this will go and where else I will find myself on my path.

I am finding understanding a larger truth of love, something I thought I’d grasped years ago but now I realised one can never truly grasp love, because it is beyond consciousness. One can only ever grow closer and closer to love in relationship. And one way is through Déa, and yet another way is through community. And again another way is through relationship. Love is the only reason we are here, at least, I know that’s my reason for being here!

Love is the greatest lesson, in love we can do all things. Love is Déa and so in Déa too we can do all things. Our Heavenly Mother has her arms open waiting for the world to hear her call again. I don’t know if the world will remember, but the few of us do here and there, and I know that at least pleases her.

So happy witching hour and happy Halloween, and cheers to the new coming phase of my life which feels to be full of only positive and inspiring energy.

Personal Prayer to Triple Hekate

Beautiful Maiden
Draped in divine robes
With luscious locks that lay dark as night around your waist

Honoured Mother
Enactor of justice
You whom guides the soul
To walk the path of harmony
In sync to the angels’ serenades

Mysterious Grandmother
Beloved midwife and nurse
Your will embraces me in serenity

Hekate, oh Hekate
Great Goddess
The sacred flame of all worlds
Blessed be.

– Self-composed