A lot has happened since I last updated here (I think I write that every time I post lol! My life is just a bit crazy). My spiritual path for one has had a change. My actual life too has been through a lot but I wanted to start explaining what has changed with my spiritual path the past month or two.
As my readers may have been aware, I had a beautiful relationship with Goddess Diana for about a year or so which brought me to Paganism, and I had committed myself to her service for the rest of this life. Unfortunately she didn’t have the same plans and cut it off recently, which coincided with the time that I had started questioning my spiritual beliefs again.
I told her that I’d made a commitment and despite reevaluating my beliefs I still belonged to her, but she wanted me to move on without her and explore what still needs to be explored. To be honest her breaking up of our relationship was very sudden and felt a bit cold considering all the beautiful emotions I’d shared with her previously, but she is an independent Goddess and probably thought breaking up that way was for the best.
I do miss her and have all those usual post-breakup feelings, but I suppose that is normal. What I do know is that we shared something beautiful for a year or so and I will always value that. It shaped me massively and has made me much of who I am right now. Her love and lessons were invaluable and now is the time for me to find that elsewhere. I suppose I learned too in the process that making vows is pointless, because you never know what will happen in the future. As humans we like to romanticise relationships and say they’ll be forever, and I wanted that with Diana, but she decided for us both it wasn’t in our best interests anymore and split ways with me.
So I formally cancelled out the vow during the recent lunar eclipse just so that wasn’t hanging over my head (or energy body or whatever) and that’s really when everything started shifting for me. Everything has sort of come into focus again, and I’ve been picking up tarot to help me understand my options and the consequences of them. Through tarot I ascertained the reason of our breakup was due to my thoughts and feelings about maybe there being a One Supreme Being (G-D) after all, and wanting to connect with that Source directly rather than through the lesser deities. And with tarot I discerned that my connection to Source needed to be with God as Mother, as Great Goddess, as Creatrix, as that Divine Feminine. But I also came to realise God is both Mother and Father in One.
So I have finally decided to take up the religious title of Déanism, which is a denomination of Filianism and focuses on Mother God as that One Supreme Being. The word ‘Dea’ is literally Latin for ‘God’ in its feminine form. That way God here is experienced and referred to here in the feminine way. It is quite liberating in this way to think of God as a kind and loving Mother who created the entire universe and me and everyone within it. The idea of God as Father has so many bad associations for both myself and for many other people, due to patriarchal oppression and I think that image is what can cause us to feel disconnected from God and make us believe that She doesn’t really exist. But She does and by relating to Her as Mother, I feel so much at peace inside myself now.
I have to say I do not agree with all the Déanism tenets and such and have plenty of my own views on many theological things, as well as still being quite witchy/wiccan in many ways as I love nature and the turn of the wheel of the year and the magick that comes along with that all. I love herbs and incense and candles and crystals and all that, and I am not so interested in the Filiyanic concept of the seven Jayanti (although I understand the concept), but the point is that my pure spiritual focus now is on Dea and relating with Her, and that by pure definition makes me Déanic. I think there must be plenty of independent (heterodox?) Déanists like me, but the religion itself is still quite fringe to really have picked up much attention.
Besides that I still believe in the gods as agents of Dea. I believe in the female and male gods alike, I believe they are Her offspring as much as we are Her offspring. I still pray to them at times and connect with them, but it’s more like being acquaintances than really knowing them. For example I went away to see my dad in this past month and I found myself connecting to some gods I never had felt the presence of before, including Mother Mary, Aset & Osiris, and Quetzalcoatl. And they were nice, and maybe in future I will make deeper relationships with these lesser agents of Dea again, but for now my sole focus is on Dea Herself.
That’s also another thing that I wanted to write about regarding my trip away to see my dad. I enjoyed the holiday itself and took many beautiful tours and learned a lot about more of my own native culture on that side, but the meeting with my dad itself was very disappointing and even depressing. He mostly ignored me and when he did talk to me he actually more or less disowned me by saying I’m not his daughter. There is nothing I have done that caused this and it’s purely his own selfishness which is responsible, because he is so driven by work and power and money. Family and emotional connection is not that important to him. But through this I did actually find a type of healing.
I went to see my dad actually to try and mend this void between us, but I learned from other family there that it’s just the way he is and that I will never have a relationship with him. During that time I felt much closer to God as Father and I felt much closer to male deities in general. It was a strange twist but I came to finally disconnect myself from the traumatised image of my own neglectful and abusive father figure/s in my life and start to mend the hurt inside. I finally had a resolution that there will be no resolution with my father or any father figure, and that I had to find it instead. So I prayed to God as Father (I will call Him Deus) and found within me the masculine always there.
But again it’s not my focus, at least not for now. I do acknowledge that actually Deus and Dea are the exact same Being, an Androgynous Whole that I can only conceive or relate to as either one or the other with my limited earthly mind, but knowing God as Deus was important for that period in time when I was dealing with those particular feelings and wounds inside.
For now my focus is Dea, and I did do a dedication ritual to Her to officially start me on my path towards Her and honestly ever since I have felt so liberated and free. I feel like spiritually I’ve finally come home. I am part of Dea too, my higher self or divine spark is a piece of Her, especially as a woman, and by knowing Her I am knowing myself too.