Letter to my Future Self

Dear my future self,

(Open to read)

I am writing this e-letter about a month before my twenty fifth birthday. I wish I had written a letter to myself like this when I was much younger for me to read now. This is the first time I have ever done this.

I didn’t know how to open but that is what came to mind. I felt like it was important to spend time with myself, and even if I don’t know myself in the future yet, this seemed a good way as any. And maybe through writing this we will become closer.

Well, how are things? Things are strange, wild, sometimes good, sometimes bad, though I have to say my life feels like it’s been mostly bad, but right now it’s not bad so I can’t complain really.

I am just recovering from a six month long psychotic break where I dealt with what I believed to be demonic possession, the strain which was too much on my body and has given me chronic fatigue syndrome. I don’t know if I will ever recover, but I hope so. I hope that you are living the life of your dreams now.

I never really knew what I wanted to do career wise growing up. The pressure on me was so immense, to be someone great and important. And now I have this illness it doesn’t feel like it matters anymore. But my hobbies currently involve anything to do with nature. I’m quite concerned about the environment these days. I have also gone vegetarian and am nearly vegan. It turned out I was lactose intolerant and cutting out milk was the best thing I ever did. But I still can’t give up my eggs or delicious raw honey right now. But I am still doing a lot with what I can.

Spiritually, I don’t have a clue where I am anymore. My whole life was consumed by this need to feel connection to something greater than me, and it just seems like time after time I have been let down. Maybe it’s just escapism to deal with my traumatic past. I can’t say. But there’s an emptiness inside which nothing can really seem to fill. But I try my best to stay positive and a good person. I try my best to be my best despite feeling complete lack of direction and purpose. Maybe purpose just isn’t that important after all anyway.

I wonder what you are doing now, when you read this letter. Shall I put a time frame on it, hmm? Ten years? Twenty years? What about fifteen? I will think about it. I wonder if you are now married and have kids, whether you have your own house and your own income. I wonder if you are finally the independent woman you always wanted to be. I hope so. But then again if not don’t be disheartened. It is just one of those things.

Right now I have G, he is very kind to me, and we have been together almost two years. I don’t know what will happen but hopefully it will only be good things. It’s nice to have a relationship for once that isn’t chaotic and unstable.

What else can I say? I am still solitary as usual. I have tried harder to make friends than before but no luck. I wonder why that is? Maybe you have had more luck now than me. Tell me how it feels if so.

Well I do not know what else to say, I just hope that you are enjoying life right now, hopefully much more than any time before and that things have only been an uphill progression for you.

Mostly all I want to say is I hope you are happy and doing the things you love and that bring you joy. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that without happiness and love there is no point in existing. Everything else can come at us but nothing can shake that foundation of joy.

I hope I do not sound too naive, I do hope you are having a good time. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. I am sorry I have failed so many times in trying for that, but life dealt me a bad hand and I try to make the best with what I have. It’s not perfect but it’s better than nothing.

Thank you for reading and I hope you feel good reading this as it has felt good for me to write it. I will post this on my blog and naturally forget about it, until, one day you will come across it. Then you will know how I feel right now.

In love and joy…

My past self

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