As my readers may know (not that I generally have a lot of readers anymore which is fine, this blog is more for my own records), I had found my way with Paganism the last year and working with Goddess Diana and learning to heal myself again with energy work. I took up Reiki which catapulted me into general energy healing and from there I started recently exploring shamanism and journeying the realms using my mind to learn and heal my issues.
Even more recently I made a contract with the goddess Tellus who appeared to me in one of these journeys to be part of her team to heal humanity. Ignoring any misgivings I had I went ahead and created the contract. But since then I have had a massive upheaval of beliefs once again and the realisation that all is not well after all. For the more I was meeting new gods and goddesses and animal totems and plant guides, I noticed more and more interference by astral junk to the point I couldn’t (and still can’t) tell what’s what anymore.
On the positive side some of the healing I have been doing must have worked because I feel stronger and less anxious over all in general, and so the question of where the truth ends and where the deception begins has become an increasingly confusing focus. Clearly the healing work I have been doing has been helping otherwise I would not be feeling more empowered than I have done in my life. At the same time I am highly aware of what the Gnostics call ‘archons’ heavily trying to interfere once more with my process.
These archons are not demons and are not lost souls, but instead seem to function as semi-conscious tricksters who hide in the shadows and are very good at playing team ‘false light’. They pretend to be gods and goddesses and angels and guides until they have been hooked into your energy field, and then they progressively drain you and eat away at you until there’s nothing left (whether you realise it or not – luckily for me I am aware of it now).
For a long time I did not want to confront my history with these archons and the demons that are their rulers. Their system is one of hierarchy, control and manipulation. One massive operation they have going on is the mass harvesting of souls. They capture and trap souls and soul fragments either whilst living or dead and use them to generate their power in their bid for world domination. So you can imagine the devils at the top of this system who are the rulers, followed by the demons who manage the business, then archons who actively carry out orders, then lost souls and fragments who are pretty much unconscious and are chained to the the archons much like slaves.
Anyway, for a long time I didn’t want to consider any of this as it all seemed insane and maybe I was just insane and besides even thinking about it just gave me massive panic attacks that made it impossible to dwell on it for even a moment anyway. But then I started with all this healing again, and this subject has been thrust in my face once again. Thankfully I was quick enough to actually see it this time before it got progressively worse just like last time. I stopped all my practices and now am giving myself time to reflect and just plain old fashion pray to the one good intuitive voice I know is truly guiding me amongst this entire mess.
I did initially equate this voice with Diana as my one true confidant but even now I am not sure. Everything again is up for re-evaluation. I even felt a strong urge to convert to Christianity thinking that perhaps that small but still voice was really Jesus after all. But then none of that made sense, why would my goddess actually be another deity entirely unless they too were just more archons trying to mess with me? So I thought about just throwing the towel in completely. But then I remembered that happened once in my journey before, and I know that the archons would love that too, wanting me to give up any sense of actual true guidance I may have on the spiritual planes.
They are all about disempowerment. So this is where my focus is currently, learning what empowers me and why. Figuring out the truth once again after a period of confusing progress and setbacks all at the same time. Which allies can I really trust? Which guides are really wolves in sheeps clothing? Is there really anything good out there beyond this mess of astral junk that loves to lead occult and new age practitioners astray? And how theologically does that fit in with any logical sense? Like why would an Ultimate Being create a universe just for it to be hijacked by its own creation? How does that make sense? Is there any Divinity we can truly trust?
But indeed there must be. I am making progress, and I believe my true allies will not mind me asking such questions, in fact I believe that whoever they are they were the one/s who prompted such questions to begin with. Starting with praying to Diana and asking why Jesus always seems to be bothering me. Her response? That’s not the real Jesus, just another archon in disguise. Okay, well I’ve had plenty of false Jesus’ to know that’s probably true. But then how do I know anything Diana has told me is true also? For all I know, maybe that response was not true either.
And so you see, I am back at square one, and whilst it feels frustrating on some level I am not letting myself be intimidated by the confusion. For one the archons will just feed off that fear even more. For two whilst you could say it’s a temporary stumble in my journey, I see the silver lining in the cloud and think that once the dust settles everything will be even clearer than before. Thankfully I just have the clarity of mind to be able to ride these waves, all the while as my levels of fear decreases.
So yes everything is up in the air. Did a flawed being create this planet? How can it when Mother Earth is so intrinsically good? But then is she? If she is then evolution can’t be true. Oh shit now I’m denying reality. No, Mother Earth cannot be intrinsically good. Even despite all humanity’s violence and war on this planet, death is inherently a part of life. And so, maybe it really was created by a flawed being after all. How can a kind and benevolent God or gods allow this otherwise? Surely an omnipotent God would not allow it. But perhaps if there were benevolent but not omnipotent beings that existed before the creation of the Demiurge and its own creation of humanity… well, then they would have no power after all to save us. So we are left to our own devices. A type of polydeism, if such an adjective yet exists.
I am just brainstorming here. I am trying to understand many things. Meanwhile the archons mutter around me trying to get me to pay attention and to distract me from my truth seeking. Are there even there to begin with? Are they just an illusion generated by some artificial intelligent control grid? Can we really get in touch with benevolent beings? And once and for all who is the real Jesus and the real Diana? I am praying for answers. And yet can I trust the answers that come? That’s a whole other question. Can I trust the information I receive? Can I trust what I see? I am battling with issues here many are completely ignorant of and even reuse to accept. I know I did way before I experienced the terror of possession. I mean was I really even possessed? Was that just another illusion? Questions questions questions. But of course, questions are always a good thing.
Many religions and traditions have reports of malevolent beings, devils and demons who are entirely evil and drag the human soul down to the pits of whatever hell that culture believes in. But as far as I know only Gnosticism specifically deals with the beings that pretend to be all love and light to the extent that they actually believe their own lies. Because that was the Demiurge’s fundamental flaw, that he believed he was the true god and so that he could do anything he wanted and that made him good. Despite all his horrendous acts committed through the generations of human existence. And Gnosticism too is the only tradition I know of that states that we are innately powerful over these beings because we have the indwelling spark of the true God which the Demiurge lacks and is envious of. All other cultures say you have to evoke this or that deity or archangel to remove demonic influence, which of course just confounds the problem. They pretend for a while that the problem is gone but then you are just bombarded with more problems from having let them into your personal space and take your power.
So what is the truth? I don’t know, and that’s what I’m seeking. Everything in my life except grounding and shielding has been put on hold. I have stopped all magickal practices and have stopped communication with all entities except Diana and Jesus who I am in the process of ‘testing’, so to speak. Like I said, if they are genuine, or at least if the ‘version’ of them I am connecting with is actually genuine, then they won’t mind. I’m inclined to think there is a genuine connection there somewhere, but that there are also many archonic posers largely interfering with the truths being shared with me. But I hope that if I just keep grounding out all the rubbish and strengthening my soul the answer will clearly and easily come to me.
My only driving thought right now is “I am tired of this bullshit and I am ready to take up the sword and fight for the truth and for the right to live my life free of interference, as well as help any on my journey that I come across struggling with the same things on the way”. I will not ignore my ‘shadow’ side anymore. I will not let myself live in fear, but I won’t allow myself to be deceived either. Let the process take as long as it just for me to get to the bottom of this conspiracy once and for all, but it will happen nonetheless. The truth cannot be hopeless as it appears, there must be saving grace somewhere in all this mess, and what that is I am determined to find out.