It’s been a while since I last pondered on what happened to me those two years ago. The six month long episode which I labelled as psychotic, but possibly was shamanic. I have been thinking along the shamanic lines again, and came across a wonderful article that made light of some of the things I experienced. I wanted here to recap some of those events in light of this new information, perhaps to try and make sense of it again, from an holistic perspective.

I came upon this article accidentally, and was interested in the concept of the ‘three souls’, but learned so much more about my own experiences when reading. So this does relate to the idea that we all have three souls. The best way to explain it would be that we have one soul of the underworld (instinctual/reptilian brain), one soul of the earth realm (conscious thought), and one soul of the celestial realm (higher processes/self).

Let’s start with the misalignment of these three souls:

“If something is out of alignment… there will be dysfunction in the corresponding arena of the person’s life. If a hinge piece is missing or bent way out of center… there will be the resultant disability of the individual’s life and experience and incapability of function in that area of life“.

That definitely happened to me, I had severe complex trauma, I lost consciousness, I developed alternate personalities, I became a little child of five years old and less in an adult’s body. I lost all physical function and had to be bathed, clothed, and fed. I was catatonic for a few months actually, by true definition of the word. Now whilst I have recovered from all of that, I am still left with obsessive compulsive thoughts, anxiety disorder, and adrenal insufficiency (which causes a whole host of other problems like seizures, chronic migraines, and temporary paralysis). This definitely fits under the definition of general ‘soul loss’ in shamanic terms.

The funny thing, however, is that during my ‘episode’ (whether psychotic or shamanic) the whole point was to find my soul fragment lost from childhood. However, I wonder if I had succeeded in that, but lost another part of my soul along the way, it’s not yet clear. Hopefully writing this out will make some things more clear.

“LOSS OF SOUL:

Trauma, etc,… all can instigate a condition we recognize as a loss of the Soul. When we exist in life with an aspect of our Soul disconnected or missing we suffer the consequential disruptions and difficulties that arise from being only partially ‘here’. The nature of the specific dysfunction is determined by which Soul has departed. When the Earth Soul leaves the person experiences melancholy, being ungrounded, unable to fully make logical connections between events and data, and a strong sense of not being whole. Short-term memory is hazardous; the individual chronically forgetful, unable to remember the name of a person just met, where the keys to the car are placed, unable to recall the message of the last paragraph just read. When the Earth Soul is gone the Underworld Soul moves from its native position in the Dream Realm and takes up residence in the place of the Earth Soul. As a consequence the individual often finds that life’s daily events take on a dream-like quality, as if one were moving through a theatre production. Walking into a social situation the person whose Earth Soul has been replaced by the Dream Soul has an overwhelming intuitive understanding of the mythic dynamics of the interactions they are greeted with. Minor events take on connotations of high significance. While we all have moments of this type of perceptual capability, the person whose Earth Soul is missing must live in the non-ordinary world each and every moment and usually finds it very disconcerting“.

THIS is a perfect example of what I suffered those sixteen years when I was being abused. My earth soul fled because it felt unsafe, and I experienced life through a cloudy but intensely connected haze. My intuition was massively on point (in comparison to now where it barely exists), but I was always so ungrounded. In fact it was impossible to ground (again, in comparison to now where grounding is fairly easy for once).

So what must have happened here is that as my earth soul fled, my underworld soul took its place. That makes sense enough. Everything was dreamlike for me as if I was literally living in another reality, and not this one at all.

Now, onto the underworld soul, and how this relates to my ‘episode’.

“If it is the Underworld Soul that is disconnected or missing the symptoms are very distinct from that of a person’s experience of their Earth Soul being gone. As the Underworld Soul is the point of attention from which we dream, the person has dream difficulty… Dreams may be disturbing, dreams of being chased, imprisoned, tortured, lost and adrift, unable to find one’s way back home. As the Underworld Soul is the storehouse of our Power, when that Soul is out of sync we no longer have easy access to the life force stored there. (This is rather like having money in your bank account, but you have lost your ATM card and can no longer readily withdraw what you need to survive.) As a result we are lacking in energy to accomplish life’s daily tasks, can’t seem to get the passion fired up, living in a state of malaise. Neither do we have the life force charge to maintain our health; we become susceptible to colds, the flu, infections and the like. It is this life force field that resonates with emotive thoughts, feelings, experiences and impressions: the stuff of memories. When the Underworld Soul is in a state of disconnect we suffer from long-term memory loss. Specific chunks of our past may be blank or hazy when we consider them”.

I DEFINITELY experienced a lot of this during and especially after my ‘episode’. And this is where I reckon the problem may now be. I think I regained my earth soul (or part of it), but in the process lost my underworld soul. I sacrificed one for the other. OMG!

To explain a little more in depth, I have night terrors, I always have disturbing dreams where I wake screaming (although less so these days on my medication). Some of those dreams are a re-enactment of the episode I went through, having visits from demons and what not. Sometimes I’m just generally ‘lost’, and literally ‘split’ in consciousness between multiple different realms which just gives a massive demented feeling (again, by the true tdefinition of the word, an extreme confusion). That’s not to count the amnesia I suffered, and though I got most of my memories back now, there is still a blankness when I try to recall the worst of it during Christmas 2015.

Then on top of all that is the obvious chronic fatigue and health problems which just never seem to end. Yes, I definitely believe what ails me now is not a missing earth soul, but a missing underworld soul instead.

Then there is the celestial soul, which I won’t quote. The reason being I believe I have always had my celestial soul, and indeed I believe the article says further down that if the body goes without the celestial soul for longer than three days the entire body dies. So I must have retained my celestial soul since I am still alive.

But as for the other two souls, it seems I went through the first twenty two years of my life with a massive shaped earth soul hole, and the last three years of my life I have been suffering with a massive shaped underworld soul hole.

So I finally have an understanding of these dynamics between the three souls. The next part of the article delves into the process of soul fragmentation and soul retrieval. There is much more I have learned from reading this too.

“When, through trauma or neglect, the Earth Soul departs from integration with the other two Souls, becomes disanchored from the Body/Mind, it tends to stay here in the earthly domain, in the realm of physical construct. In essence it becomes a ghost. Almost always the Earth Soul will retreat to a place, an environs, in which the person had come to associate a feeling of safety, acceptance and security. This might be a tree that as a child the individual would climb high into to ‘get away from it all’, a favorite creek-side ‘special place’ where no one would find freedom from being bothered. Or the Earth Soul may find that place of security in Gramma’s house, away from the turmoil and abuse of our parental home. For some, who come into utero and find violence and rage awaits them; they may even retreat back into the ‘In-Between Place’ between one incarnation and the next. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go. At other times the Earth Soul will retreat into the Underworld, or Dream, Realm, where it takes up residence within the mythic Cave, a place constructed in the Dream to provide seclusion and safety. When this is the situation, a Guardian immediately arises to insure that no further harm will come to the Soul, and to insure that it does not wander back into the Earthly world, as the world has shown itself to be a threatening and unsafe place. Wherever the person identifies as ‘safe’, the Earth Soul will go.

There are also those entities, Demons, who keep an eye out for lost Souls. They will track down, hunt, snare, imprison and torture the Souls they capture. This torment is experienced in the person’s life as emotional flare-ups and disability, outbursts of unknown sourced rage followed by deep depressions, constant misfortune and turmoil. Those usurpers then feed upon the emotional turmoil that is generated by the torment of the person’s Soul. They are the vampires, not of fang and claw, but of emotion and Soul Force. When the Soul is found to be ensnared the Soul Retriever must then present credentials and authority. Most often the Demons will immediately release the Soul and back off. Sometimes, however, a Demon who has fed upon the Soul Force of many, many unfortunate Souls and has become bloated with Power, and arrogant, refuses to release the captured Soul. In that situation the Soul Retriever must be able, capable and willing to be as a Warrior on behalf of the ensnared Soul, doing whatever it takes to secure the freedom of that Soul. What must be understood here is that what ever happens to the Soul Retriever there, in the Dream World, happens to their own body here in the earthly realm”.

I don’t know where to start here. Suffice to say, when I read this over just now, as when I did the first time I read it, tears flooded my eyes and yet my heart felt a sense of liberation and my mind clarity. This is it! Now it all makes sense!

From my fuzzy memories of that extremely intense and traumatic time, I understand now that my earth soul split into two main pieces. The first piece was with Jesus, in heaven (the celestial realm), who returned it to me when I became a Christian again. Because this part of my identity was Christian, it wouldn’t consider it safe to reintegrate until I had re-found my security in the faith again. This makes total sense. And so Jesus wouldn’t have released it to me until that point. So when I became so lost in the underworld searching for my earth soul, I reconverted back to Christianity in an attempt to find sanity again – and in a way found it through the retrieval and descent of that soul piece.

The second soul piece however fared massively different. The second soul piece was actually trapped in hell, and this is the part that is so intensely traumatic for me me to remember to this day, why I am on anti-depressants, and probably why I have adrenal insufficiency (caused, clearly, by MASSIVE STRESS OVERLOAD). In fact, I can’t even be sure this piece was liberated, as the memory still affects me so badly. I can only conclude it was either retrieved and the trauma of reintegration is just so intense, or that it wasn’t and this is still a part that needs retrieving. However, from what I read earlier about the loss of the underworld soul, I believe until proven otherwise that those two pieces of my earth soul were safely retrieved, and that it was in fact my underworld soul instead that got lost this time, through seeing the horrors this other half of my earth soul was subjected to.

However, the exact memory that haunts me, continuously, is that of being trapped in hell as this soul piece, being tortured by that disgusting demon Jezebel (and even writing the name down again gives me a massive panic attack here and I will probably have to take a propanolol after this), and her lack of refusal to let go of my soul, even when I was entitled to it by universal law. That is too traumatic to think about so I will end the memory here.

But now, I finally understand. I finally understand. It’s insane to think about it, but it’s like reading this article made a light switch in on in my brain, with the understanding that my underworld soul is still probably out there floating around waiting for retrieval. Meanwhile to do that I would have to go back deeper into my past than I ever remember. But this time, I will not do it alone. In fact, I will contact the shamanic writer, who can help me out. I feel deep down this is what I need to do. This article hit so close home.

Whilst I am managing my issues best I can in the physical through medication, self-care, and staying grounded, I know the journey is not over. In a sense it feels like it’s only just begun. And THAT is a scary, scary, thought. I can’t handle anymore of what I’ve been through 🙁 I need a break.

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