Night four of the ten days:
I had expected the second half hour healing session on myself to be around the same time tonight as the other night, but when I felt some weird things starting up and gradually getting pretty intense again in the afternoon I realised this second session was being done a little earlier than the last time.
As always I tried to distract myself and pass the ordeal off as psychological, but again it became so intense it became harder and harder to ignore. This session was definitely interesting because it felt like the entire focus was on my spiritual trauma and corresponding ‘shut down’ as a result.
Again, I felt like I could hear the healer’s voice in my head as she was doing the session, hearing her thoughts and her prompts, but I will only be sure when she sends me the report. I could be totally wrong and just insane and I am willing to admit that both to myself and on here to the public. Because I just haven’t a clue anymore.
So, it definitely felt like she was bringing down some kind of wall I’d built up around myself, due to my horrific out of body experiences. It felt like she was saying “you don’t need to be afraid of your spiritual gifts, you had a very unfortunate experience but they are not inherently bad, and you don’t need to close yourself off from them any longer. You have shut them out and claimed them to be unreal out of self-protective measures”… well, what can I say, I was re-evaluating the entire last two to three years of my life in that moment.
It’s like she was affirming that the terrible things that happened to me were indeed spiritual and not psychological, and that I needed to accept that to fully heal. In that vein it’s like she was saying that I awoke something powerful inside me that I had no control over or no idea how to utilise, and it drove me insane and my body and mind totally shut down as a self-protective measure. She was again focusing again heavily on self empowerment and removed some kind of block that will gradually be released over time to allow me to gently ease myself into that strength.
So the attention was on overcoming my fear and giving me the confidence to grow in my spiritual abilities, but this time in the right way. I definitely got a clear picture of how to accomplish that, and it will require a lot of discipline on my end. I believed I was advanced before but I was arrogant. I was a child wielding a lightsaber. A bit like Anakin or Kylo (I can’t help the Star Wars reference!) I have to start at the basics, and get a very much needed foundation first.
Other things I felt she was focusing on were my obsessive compulsive disorder, the sinister entity that keeps trying to make my life hell, and general blockages in my body in general. As usual the sinister entity/voice was issuing empty threats and making (stronger) attempts to manifest, but what REALLY surprised me was when she got to the absolute root of my fear and I hadn’t even told her about what it was! I stayed generally vague in the email like “I believed I was possessed by demons once and it left a scar on me”. Well, what’s the very root of all my traumas? Jezebel.
Yes, it’s still intensely frightening to write about her (and I just had to pray to Durga for help calming myself – she’s very good with slaying my demons), but there was a clear moment of the healer touching that wound very specifically and purposely, and doing something there. Exactly what she did I’m not sure, I believe it was probably something very small and gentle in order to create a slow acting catalyst for me in future.
To be honest, I would not be surprised if Jezebel is actually the sinister voice in my head but I cant bear to think about it. It’s giving me a panic attack again thinking about it. So that’s all I will say on the matter. But I had to mention it as I felt the healer bargaining with a particular entity to leave me (probably the ‘sinister’ one) but it didn’t work. It’s stubborn and then I felt the healer prodding into my past (‘karma’, though I don’t think I really believe in karma but symbolically that’s the way my mind understood the past)… so I felt her prodding there to see where this entity came from, and I felt her reprogramming some stuff around that time period so that I can heal and this entity can leave me alone.
Wow all that was really hard to write as I am triggered now and I will probably have to take lots of nervine and sedative tinctures again. But that is my own report of what I experienced. Again I am interested in what her own report will say so I can see whether I’m really experiencing these things or if my mind is just making it up and I really am just psychotic. We will see. Either way I will be open about the conclusion.
Two weeks later:
The second two healing sessions I didn’t feel much to note here. But I did sign up to a Reiki course online and ended up receiving all three Reiki level attunements in one half hour session. I fell asleep during the attunement process which was very weird for me as usually energy keeps me wired and awake, so that left a very good impression on me. Reiki right from the bat grounded me and released all that excess nervous tension I’d been carrying around.
Since then I have been doing Reiki on myself every night as required, and have already passed level one and received my certificate for that. I am also studying Chios energy healing alongside it and hope to get all three attunements for that within the next few months. Definitely what all this healing has done has released a lot of my intense need to remain staunchly atheistic and agnostic out of terror that I will become psychotic again if I open myself to the spiritual again. But this time I am making sure I am thoroughly grounded, and that is taking precedence before all else. If I cannot then everything else is in vain. Being firmly grounded has become a number one priority to me.
But my goal has become absolute and clear in my mind. My goal, my purpose if you like, in this life is to heal others. Nothing else in my life can distract me from this fundamental truth now. It does not matter whether I am atheistic and focused on science or super theistic and focused on faith healing. I have set this path for myself and I am absolutely determined to carry it through to the end, whether through biomedicine, herbalism, or energy healing!
The turning point:
This night, almost a month after my first half hour healing session, and near a fortnight since my Reiki attunement, I decided to do my first proper ritual (as proper as proper can get in a Christian house!) under the Super-Blue-Blood moon, an awesomely rare event that hasn’t happened in 150 years. I did not plan my ritual to fall on this rare event as I planned the rite much before I knew the circumstances of the moon, but I felt in my heart that it was time, and right, to officially initiate myself as a witch. And I wanted to initiate myself under Diana, my Patron.
Although I’ve already noted the structure of the ritual in my virtual altar book of shadows, I want to go into detail here the amazing things that happened during. The emotional and spiritual shifts in my heart and also in the sacred space that I held. In fact, before I’d even started preparing the ritual, I felt the energy building up, and before I’d even invoked the watchers and Diana and her consort I felt their presence.
Whilst a ritual can skip all the tools, I found the tools really added to the atmosphere, and grounded me heavily within my body. I had a tea candle at each of the corners of my room, and a votive candle on my desk/altar which represented spirit, and then another two tea candles arranged in front to make a triangle shape, which represented Diana and her consort Dianus.
I cast the circle, and the presence was just incredible. I have never felt the energy just shift so quickly from mundane to super sacred like that. It’s like I was in my own little corner of heaven, it was emotional, I even was crying a bit as I felt all Diana’s love, but not just Diana, it was the love of Dianus and especially the love of the watchers. It’s like all their presences were just linked as one, with Diana at the forefront as center focus, and radiating throughout my entire being. I can’t explain just how magical it was.
I was meant to be naked during the ritual but I forgot, lol, besides it seems being naked is not at all that compulsory when you live in a country where it’s almost always cold and wet! So I didn’t berate myself too much. But after the initiation prayer, I had a vision of Diana in the heavens (with Dianus standing next to her), and she too was tearing up, and saying welcome, and some other things which was really moving.
My sense is that although I asked to hear the sounds of the animals as confirmation, she accepted me and pointed out that I have loads of ‘animals’ in my room (pet dog, cat statue, tiger canvas, teddy bear!), and that I didn’t need to hear those things as she can tell me directly and know I will hear.
I did have a couple of close scares when I thought my room was going to be intruded upon, even though it was midnight when I was doing this. So I had some fleeting anxiety during those moments, but overall I managed to stay incredibly calm and mindful and just in a meditative state really, which is also surprising for me considering my anxiety. But it really does seem lately like my body is surprising me, as I am not feeling anxiety when I did before, and I can meditate for longer and longer and tend to forget to take my anti-anxiety medication until the afternoon!
So yes I am being healed and I am becoming the healer, and tonight was a shift that has been building for a while in my relationship with Diana. It definitely felt like a big deal spiritually, and I feel my life will change now. In what way I can’t say, but I hope it is for the best (and not psychosis again!).