Happy New Year everyone! This post is going to be a little different today. But first I want to update that I am still waiting on the results of my lumbar puncture as I rang my neurologist and was told they still haven’t heard from the lab yet. Apparently there is only one laboratory in the whole country that diagnosis narcolepsy, so it can take its time. I am struggling to be patient as I lowered my amitriptyaline dose due to weight gain (again!), which has caused my symptoms to become worse again. I’m having sleep attacks most days now as well as migraines daily too (mostly silent migraines, but more painful ones too than before). My fatigue and cataplexy is worsening, but on the bright side I have not lost too much functionality. Mostly I am just irritated that I have to wait for the results to be medicated. My doctor won’t let me try the medicine that will make me better until then even though most doctor’s would’ve put me on it already.
Anyway, that is that. I had a very good year last year, and I’ve felt it’s been the best year of my existence so far. I have matured a lot and I feel very positive about the future. I have started the intermediary herbal course and am enrolling onto the Bachelor of Science in Herbal Medicine distance course for this September. Part of this decision was just that it felt right to do, and I enjoy it a lot. Another part of my decision is that I just feel deep in my bones that I’m a healer, and no matter what or how, I need to live in that truth. I need to live day by day healing myself and healing others.
It’s taken a long time to get to this point in my journey. In fact, I’ve healed so much, I’ve decided it’s about time I have a proper healer work on me again. Considering my past experiences with ‘healing’ I’m surprised I’m not more terrified, but again, it just felt right. Not that I can entirely trust my feelings after all the times in my life they have deceived me, but I’m not going to distrust myself either. I have to have some faith in myself!
So, long story short, this healer has decided to do four half an hour sessions on me over the next ten days. The exact times she is doing them I don’t know. The reason is because she is from Australia and as the days/nights are reversed there we supposed I would be asleep when she does the sessions. To be honest, I prefer not knowing so I don’t get myself anxiously worked up about the whole thing.
But last night as I was going to bed I had the strangest experiences. And that’s what I wanted to accomplish with this post – to log my experiences over the next ten days in regards to these healings. Maybe nothing more will happen, or maybe many things will happen. I don’t know. But all this is a precursor to me for learning energy healing again, and properly this time. I wanted a healer to help me with my traumas so I can do what I know I am meant to do. Be the healer I am meant to be.
Night two of the ten days:
So onto my experiences last night. It’s all a bit of a blur now. But I remember being slightly anxious before going to bed. But as soon as I got into bed everything suddenly ramped up majorly. I was having an anxiety attack and found myself unable to settle, let alone unable to sleep. I took large doses of multiple sedative and anti-anxiety herbs, which usually works but barely made a dent in my mental state this time. I was hallucinating (or is that having visions??? who knows!) an awful lot.
At first was the panic – the terror of being possessed by demons, then came the flashbacks of the times I was completely mad (psychotic? or possessed? again, who knows…) when I believed the demons were invading my body. Things I’d long forgotten came rushing back up to the surface with intense clarity; I was living the horrors all over again. After that came the sinister voice. It’s a sinister voice that has been with me since all the traumas started, almost three years now. I had not heard it in many months, but last night it started threatening me, threatening to possess me, threatening to drag me ‘back to hell’. Something had clearly triggered it, or made it mad. It was furious at me. But I am so used to its empty threats now (which is why I hadn’t heard it for months) that I just worked on blocking it out and focusing on the present.
It was incredibly difficult. Once it found it couldn’t threaten me, it made attempts to manifest through me. I could feel it trying to take control of my body again. But I resisted, I fought, and I ignored it as hard as I could under the circumstances. Considering the vividness of what I was going through, I was proud that I was able not to give in, and that I have grown so much stronger since this voice first started trying to ruin my life. It may have succeeded the first time, but I am determined to not let it again. It’s not any deity that saves me from my ‘demons’ (although surely they help some), but my own internal strength. Maybe that’s the lesson I needed to learn.
Meanwhile all this was going on, my entire body was sort of spasming and twitching, like there was a lot of movement and shifting going on inside. Like things were being removed and healthier things were being replaced. A new kind of empowerment awakened inside me during all this, and I found myself guided by a compassionate and supportive voice. I don’t know what it was. All I know is it was benevolent. It was holding my hand (metaphorically, I can’t say for literally lol), and making sure I was alright. It was helping me to go through whatever I was going through.
It also told me things about my future, but I don’t remember anything that was said now. Another thing it was telling me to do was to focus on my abdomen and breathing. Whilst I wasn’t able to sustain it, it did help doing it in intervals, and it felt like something was building and growing there. I saw this bright golden light developing which naturally identified itself as the Christ light of Jesus, and the benevolent voice again kept telling me to breath in that light to keep me strong whilst I was experiencing all this.
At the same time, I swear I could feel the healer telling me to let my past go, to give the pain up, and not just telling me, but it was like she was asking me if I wanted to let it all go. Either that or my own mind was asking me for permission if it could release all that trauma it was holding onto (not literally everything, but the certain things that I was experiencing through flashbacks). And I just passively let it happen as I was watching what was going on. By this time I was exhausted from just laying in bed fighting, and decided to diffuse some protective essential oils as well as put rue under my bed in a small pouch. Rue is a protective herb which Diana recommended to me. Before then I’d never tried it out in a magical way such as that.
Anyway, soon after that, I fell asleep pretty much instantly. But I dreamed of my abuser for the first time in a long time, which was strange. The only other important thing of note I remember is that I saw the words “I am mystic” glowing in the screen of my mind like neon signs. I don’t know what that means. I don’t want to assume. All I know is that I experienced all this and it was weird as I have not had anything happen to me like this for a long time. I was very firmly grounded in the natural. Now I don’t know where I stand anymore on all this. But it doesn’t matter. I am doing what I feel is right.
I believe what I experienced last night was the first half hour session, or at least the after effects of it. So that means I have three more sessions left. I will update with any experiences of these in a new post, and then once it is all over I will post the healer’s report if I find it appropriate. I am definitely interested to know what she has to say. Maybe it will give me some new insights.