Hello everyone. Thought I’d update again. I’m still waiting on my lumbar puncture results for Narcolepsy with Cataplexy diagnosis, but I was told it may take a couple of months or more for the results to come through as there is only one place in the entire country that runs lab tests for this condition. I did have a dream the other night though that it arrived through the post and I was reading it, but all I was reading were a recap of my symptoms, and never read to the end where it told the result of the test. I hope maybe this dream maybe means that the letter is on its way, and soon I will know. If I turn out positive for it, then I can be put on Xyrem which will help an awful lot.
I’m also going to get my adrenals tested at some point. My doctor said they tested them already but I don’t think they did, at least not in depth. With everything I’ve learned about the function of cortisol in recent scientific studies (the enteric nervous system aka the gut communicates with the brain using cortisol making a link between mental disorders and autoimmune disorders with the stomach), I feel that my cortisol as a result of the complex post traumatic stress I experienced is probably very depleted and needs topping up. I was taking bovine adrenaline supplements for a few months but it didn’t make much impact on me, which apparently is a sign that my adrenals are too far gone and need cortisol and other direct hormonal treatment.
Apart from that, I am feeling quite a lot better these days. I am not normal still, but I can walk half an hour or so without collapsing, and I can do some chores, and do other hobbies that I enjoy (herbalism, arts and crafts) without much energy expenditure. If someone were to ask me though if I could work the answer is still definitely no. If I was careful and managed myself I could probably work for about an hour, maybe pushed to two hours, but I wouldn’t even be able to sustain that long term. So I’m still pretty weak, but I am somewhat functional again which is nice. I can’t take my dog out for daily walks (I can really only do one walk a week or perhaps two, otherwise my post exertional malaise builds again and I’m bedbound before I know it), but I have a volunteer now who takes her out most evenings after school. She’s a nice sixteen year old who wants a dog but her own mum is too ill to have one. So she looks after mine, and I give her a bit of pocket money too, which I think is just good to show appreciation.
Coming back to the work and hobbies topic, I have finished the introductory herbal course which I started in the summer, and got a certificate for that. But at the moment I’m not sure whether to continue with the intermediate, because I’m waiting for my diagnosis. If I do have narcolepsy then I can get treatment, which perhaps may allow me to do an NHS clinical medical scientist apprenticeship (starts at level two and advances all the way up to post graduate degree). So I think I’m waiting on that first. I love science and technology, science particularly I have always loved, and I know my destiny or whatever involves healing others, so medical science is the perfect career for me. The perfect mix of knowledge and nurture, two things I feel are integral to me as a person.
If I don’t get a diagnosis or if the medication for the narcolepsy doesn’t work (it doesn’t always), then I will probably continue with the intermediate herbal course. The thing is I have looked for online biomedical degrees and related fields, but unless I pay an eye and nose to do an online course abroad, there are no online courses in the UK. And I know I’m not well enough to go to college/university any time soon. But I’m just trying to trust in life and myself as well, that things will turn out good if I just keep positive and stay focused on what is true for me. Another thing though, is I’m also interested in the very infantile field of quantum programming. In fact it is so infantile is has only just really been born this year with Microsoft’s Q# language for upcoming quantum computers. However I have no experience in programming, but I have it on my “considering” list because it will probably be a job high in demand in the near future and probably a very well paid one. Also, I can do programming from my computer at home, which makes it ideal. So I could pursue one of the very many programming courses online, but I feel I would miss herbalism and the natural world, and just working with my hands in general.
But I am thinking very long term these days, and I think I got that trait from my dad, as who as a magistrate and president for the department of justice in Mexico definitely needs to think long term. In a way his story is also inspiring to my subconscious mind that links us – he came from nothing and made a great life for himself. Even though I am not in contact with him very often. But I’m hoping that maybe will change in future as I want to reconcile with him, and we have texted about it a little.
So in regards to long term planning, I have heard about the massive surge in bitcoin value and cryptocurrencies in general, which also is another thing in its early infancy. It is probable that in this ever increasing information and digital age, money will eventually become digital too, and switch from paper to cryptocurrency, which means it’s very important to invest now whilst it’s still kicking off. The banks have been trying to shut down bitcoin but to no avail – instead they are finding themselves having to work with the owner of bitcoin, and other newly establishing cryptocurrencies. I have read that those who invest forty pounds into bitcoin in it’s first and second years are now millionaires, as the value has increased so much with the current price at around eleven thousand pounds per bitcoin. And that is still predicted to go up to a hundred thousand pounds per bitcoin in the next ten years or so. My idea is that if I invest now, I may have a nice pension at least to live off or even just to support me, as I know in my current condition I won’t get anything, and living off benefits is miserable and difficult. At the very least investing will be a helping hand. So that is another avenue I am following currently.
I am just very interested in the future in general, and I always have been to be honest. I wish I could be alive in a thousand years just to see how things have progressed from now. We are at such an exciting time, and also with my love for nature too, I feel I am taking a bright green environmentalist stance where clean technology can be integrated alongside nature. Which is why I think I support the Green Party UK now, as they hold that kind of political stance. I am also somewhat interested in the potential future political systems, and how our government will evolve with the decentralised internet connecting the globe as one entity. I am very happy being alive and just watching and observing the trends, but more than anything I would love to be a part of it all, a part of creating this new and evolved world for ourselves. Also I’ve been quite on the edge of my seat with all the possible hints towards extraterrestrial life lately. Maybe I will be on the edge of my seat for a while still, but imagine how our world will change if/when we finally make contact with another, perhaps more advanced benevolent race. Even if they are not benevolent, we would still learn so much from an alien culture, which to me is very exciting.
But enough rambling about aliens (I brought it up I think as Nasa is due to make an exciting announcement from the team up of the Kepler telescope and Google’s deep mind AI in the next couple of hours – it’s probably not aliens, but still, haha). Spirituality wise I am still working with Diana – I have my ups and downs with it, as it’s hard to really honour her in relative secret, but I am also working with Durga again, and am considering devoting myself to her to some extent too. She is just so good, so motherly, so strong, and her comfort and power is often what I find myself needing. She helps a lot with my mental conditions, and with helping me overcome them. She teaches me to battle my demons and slay them. I am also sort of reconsidering Jesus. I have made a peace offering to Jesus apologising for my rudeness earlier this year when I cut him out completely. The thing is I know he’s still watching over me and likely always will as I come from a family that worships him, so I am still debating whether or not to make him part of my practice again, but more from a liberal gnostic pagan view.
So me and Jesus are on better terms, but I’m still unsure about adding him to my practice. Part of my misgiving is that I feel more comfortable with female deities, as I am more comfortable with all females in general thanks to my upbringing of abuse by male hands. Interestingly, Diana and Durga actually get on very well together, despite being from completely different cultures. And Neither of them mind about Jesus. But I don’t know if I can say the same the other way, however I feel that Jesus would probably be happy if I worked with him in any way, even if not exclusively. He does seem to be quite obsessed with working me, lol. Also if you think about he embodies the shaman archetype, as he crossed the ‘world tree’ (cross) to travel through the three realms (earth, hell, and heaven), and for that reason is the natural magical healer and protector. Which are two things I seem to relate to a lot. So maybe that’s just it.
I was going to write another thing but it’s escaped my mind now. The last thing I want to write is how this month is the anniversary of mine and Graeme’s relationship, which for me is a very happy moment and worth celebrating. I’ve not had a stable relationship like this before, nor one that even lasts this long, so I feel very proud of us, and feel like I’m growing up a lot in my mind these past few months, with that positivity and strength that fills me up from the inside and makes me feel like absolutely everything is ok with me, even when it’s not. I’m content for the first time in my life.