Summer Feelz, Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder, Meditation, & Shiva

My Public Journal

The sun is out, I’m drinking whiskey, some musky incense is burning and I have korean pop playing from my speakers, and I feel pretty amazing right now. This mood reminds me of a few years ago, except a few years ago I was the unhealthy version of myself blasting Asking Alexandria and getting so drunk I could barely feel my hands, just to stop feeling the trauma.

I have started taking Vitamin D as well, which perhaps is lifting my mood, since I’m so housebound I don’t really get outside much. Now that my blood has been taken I can start the supplements again. I’ve continued the Vitamin B and I am also taking adrenal tablets now which I hope will lift my fatigue. I am going to order some thyroid tablets too since hypothyroidism runs in the family, I’m hoping balancing my hormones will make me more energetic again. Already from just taking the adrenal tablets I’ve seen a huge difference, and today for the first time I was able to go out into town and walk around a bit without collapsing afterwards. I honestly feel so amazing.

So, what’s new? My EEG results are in. They are also normal. My neurologist concluded I have non-epileptic attack disorder, which when I researched seems to be triggered from trauma and intense stress. Not only that but having either depression, anxiety, or PTSD is common with NEAD, which of course I have Complex PTSD, so that all fits together nicely. And it also explains the fatigue which is a common symptom, among many of my other symptoms.

So epilepsy is officially ruled out since my MRI and EEG were normal. And it gives me something to work with now that I have NEAD. My neurologist is going to refer me to a neuropsychological specialist to work on the triggers that flare my NEAD.  I can’t wait because I’ll finally be getting the specialised treatment I need, rather than just having standard cognitive behavioural therapy. Although CBT did help me immensely, I didn’t like all the focus my therapist put on a psychological approach to my condition, whilst a neuropsychologist will place more emphasis on the biology and I guess is a more practical approach to what I’m going through, not just all mental.

So whilst NEAD can’t be treated with medication or anti-convulsants, I feel pleased that I finally have a diagnosis and can start to work with it. Apparently 50% of cases clear up anyway after diagnosis, since it is a psychological disorder. It’s like somehow knowing that you have it dissipates it. However I’m not sure that’s the case for me as I had a nightmare last night and woke up convulsing after a particularly intense emotional day with my boyfriend (all good emotions though). But maybe it will take time.

Also with the adrenals and thyroid medications I am starting I should start to ease up the stress my body feels under and give myself time to truly rest. I’m hoping that the results from the blood work will at lease support the idea that my thyroids and adrenals are a bit low. But we will see. I will keep taking them anyway. But my appointment with my GP is this week so I should know pretty soon what’s what. Then of course I need to discuss my neurologist’s diagnosis of NEAD over with my GP and see where we go from there. She likely won’t be surprised, considering that NEAD is common with PTSD, and PTSD is what she originally diagnosed me for. So hopefully my treatment can continue to progress nicely especially with the specialist therapy I’m going to be getting. The only downside is that I may have to wait a few months or up to a year until the specialist has a space open for me. But hopefully by then my adrenals/thyroid will be more up to speed and I can work from a better place.

So that is what’s going on with my health. Spiritual-wise I had a flashback a couple of days ago about how I used to really adore and connect with the principle of Shiva, even though I didn’t believe him to be a real being per se. I felt comfortable with Shiva and I always loved how he would always help the downtrodden and those in need. His compassion and mercy was a shining light to me, and I think considering the state I was in I was really drawn to that.

Thinking about it now I still find myself drawn to it, although whether I could ever resume that kind of practice I am not sure, but in looking for a new spiritual path maybe it would help me to go back a bit and see what worked for me and what didn’t. Channeling didn’t for sure, and neither did kundalini and all that stuff – although I accept now that they aren’t real and are probably all psychological phenomena – I am staying far away from them. I believe still that we have the ability as humans to influence our brains through thought, and that because of that and considering that I have NEAD as a result of PTSD, that maybe I should practice some low level atheistic magic again for that reason entirely. For example simple meditation as a starter to activate my parasympathetic nervous system and give my adrenals chance to calm down. Earlier I was feeling an aura coming on and I layed down on the grass and just meditated for ten minutes as the NEAD website suggested, and it totally grounded and centered me and I was instantly better! So I think I really need to get back into meditating again, but this time properly with an established practice and not just making it up as I go along thinking I am the bees knees, lol.

Again I don’t mean to do anything heavy, but just enough to lift me during the day time. And back to what I was saying about using what does work – I know that in the past my interest in Shiva did a lot of good for me, so I may start back there and see what that path has to offer me now.

Apart from that I don’t think I have much else to update. A shorter post than usual but I will update after my doctor’s appointment with what’s happening there.

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