This week I had an astonishing realisation. I can’t really remember what brought me to the point of the realisation itself, but a wave of clarity overcame me like nothing ever before. I believe – it was the key to my eventual full recovery.
For sure experimenting with neurolinguistic programming must have contributed towards the realisation, by realising that I could actively manipulate my imaginations. But all this time I had been so overcome by anxiety and terror that I was blinded from seeing the obvious that had been right in front of me all along.
My therapist used to tell me that Jezebel was a demonic character I had identified with due to all the deep seated feelings I’ve always carried around with me from my step-dad, the feelings of shame, loathing, and self-hatred.
I never saw the connection before, and even then when she and I were discussing it I could not understand it the way she did. The full meaning of her words didn’t sink in until now – and perhaps that’s the great thing about therapy.
My sessions with her are now over, though I have one last one booked in May, where I think all this time I’ve had to assimilate things will be a good thing to conclude the last session with.
Jezebel – that awful demon, had been a living reality to me, the worst and purest evil in all the worlds, physical and spiritual alike. I could not think her name, or think about the psychosis I experienced without being heavily triggered by the memory of her. The name of Jesus became my refuge against my violation of her presence in my life.
But as time went on I realised Jesus really isn’t real, that there is no God, and maybe just accepting that allowed my mind to start processing things. Of course it didn’t occur to me in my traumatised and dissociative state that if Jesus isn’t real, then neither is Jezebel. I mean, it had occured to me, but it hadn’t really occured to me.
What I mean really is that, all this time I’ve known that everything I experienced with the visions of Jesus and God and channeling extraterrestrials and being haunted by ghosts and such, I knew it was all my brain making it up, that they were all a figment of my deluded mind. And yet despite that, I’d not put two and two together and connected the dots that just because when my mum talked to the ‘demon’ inside me and out blurted the name Jezebel, doesn’t mean Jezebel actually existed or was inside me or was the cause of everything. In fact, she was yet just another randon name my mind conjured up from my childhood abuses that I had unconsciously associated with.
I don’t know if that’s very clear. But I think for the first time ever, I was able to see that memory objectively. I was watching it in my mind, the way it played out, the way I was ‘possessed’ by her, the way my mum spoke to her, demanded her name and commanded her to leave. And I was watching the replay, I realised that there was no Jezebel!!! She never existed!!! What had happened in actuality – is that my mum confronted me with her religious associations, which triggered deep unconscious connections in me to Jezebel, as Jezebel as a demon had been a big focus by both her and my step dad as a child. Essentially, my mind made the entire thing up.
And then, when I “accepted Jesus into my heart”, the only way my mind could protect me was to revert to when I first said that prayer at three years old, essentially ‘protecting me’ from Jezebel before I ever had learned of her and knew about her, essentially ‘saving me’ from the ‘evil’ which was ‘possessing’ me. Holy Shit.
I can’t believe I never saw this before, because it’s SO bloody obvious. I was psychotic, and Jezebel doesn’t exist. She is just a very negative complex inside my head that had been built from the abuses of my step-dad and associated with his own arch enemy he used to talk so much about (projection, in actuality) – Jezebel.
MY STEP DAD WAS THE EPITOME OF THE MYTHOLOGICAL CHARACTER OF JEZEBEL AND SHE IS BASICALLY HOW HE DECIDED TO LIVE ON IN MY MIND.
It’s really that simple! Omg! All this time I have been terrified of her, but now I see through the lie. She is not real, she is not me – she is just a symbolic representation of the abuses I recieved as a child. And this is exactly what my therapist was trying to tell me all this time, but I never fully understood it like this.
Now all I need to do is strip back the image of her covering up my step-dad, and confront my step-dad and say goodbye to him and continue going on my own path. Let him go, let the past go, let the evil go. Let the delusions and hallucinations and illusions go. As Carl Jung said “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. Perhaps in my spiritual journey I was so desparate to heal my unconscious complexes that I purposely (in a way) broke myself down to such an extreme extent so that I would eventually realise this and overcome it once and for all. I have to admit, that since the psychosis I have become a person 1000x better than the person I was before.
I have no doubt that the mind is very, incredibly powerful, and that I probably do have an unconscious ‘higher self’ too, not in the sense of being divine, but just the best parts of my mind and myself that haven’t yet been integrated.
So, as you can imagine, I feel an incredible freedom for the first time since I developed this trauma. Of course, it hasn’t stopped the compulsive thoughts about the war between Jesus and Jezebel in my mind – but essentially that’s all it is. Jesus is the good guy, Jezebel is the bad guy (or gal) – it’s the duality within my own self I need to resolve, and once I’ve done that I think the compulsive thoughts should fade away by themselves (even the names are similar, isn’t that weird? Like two parts of the same complex?)
This feels like the beginning of a new life for me. The beginning of true healing, of true living, of true loving. I can give everything up, let it all go, because it’s no longer relevant to me and my life.
Maybe I will always struggle with the ‘Jezebel’ haunting me to an extent, and maybe Jesus will always be there inside me fighting her. I can let them get on and do their thing. In the meanwhile I am going to make it my task to transcend that primeval part of my brain and become more whole than ever.
Yes I have some anxiety writing this – it’s a process. But even just being able to say the word Jezebel and write about her like this is a testament to how much I’ve healed. I was too terrified before to even think about her without falling into a panic attack.
I am okay, I am safe, I am free. There are no invisible bad guys out to get me, no demons, so devils, no satans, no Jezebel’s, I can’t be possessed, I am ME, and everything else was just my shadow messing with me.
I am back to taking a Jungian approach to things again, however with a new neurological approach. I am very interested in the new scientific theories of consciousness which are supposed to solve the hard problems of consciousness, namely integrated information theory and global workspace. It’s too much to go into the detail of the theories themselves and how they even connect, but suffice to say I think the Buddha was right this entire time. Only by looking inside can we become more aware, and then liberate ourselves from our reptilian nature (doesn’t that just say it all?) Demons and gods are the imaginations of an unevolved brain. I’m ready to evolve.
*Takes deep breath and cries due to all the emotions arising*