Well, what madness has ensued lately.
Talking of my inner world, of course. Last thing I knew I was exploring atheistic paganism, and next thing I know I’ve created an entire website documenting my new faith of ‘Goddess Monotheism’… I think what I wrote in my last post got my mind whirling a bit. Mind, I would still consider myself ‘non-theistic’, that I’m not really sure Goddess actually exists as an independent entity, or whether is just a metaphor for how I see the Universe.
But it’s weird how easily I slipped into that, and how important it’s suddenly become to me. I am still pretty much not believing in the supernatural like energy and chakras and angels/demons and stuff, however as I’ve been studying quantum physics again I can’t get away from the infinite multiverse theory, which states that everything that possible can happen, is actually happening. Now I have a very expansive mind (super high levels of imagination, seriously if there was an IQ test for imagination I’d be like 190 or something). Anyway, that makes me more ‘open’ to the idea that hey, that probably includes the spiritual realms being real, as well as having a rational, naturalistic, and scientific explanation.
However, like I said in a previous post, I am trying to reign my speculations in, as my bizarre imagination never got me anywhere good before. So I am mostly just trying to maintain apathy towards the idea of an afterlife, so to speak. It’s not important or relevant, once you get rid of misleading ideas such as salvation and liberation. What I really want to do is set my sites on the now, and let fate do the rest. All I know is that currently I have an incredible drive to contribute something good to society, in a scientific way, and enjoy my wonder of Mother Nature.
On that note, I still haven’t received a follow up email from the open college network about my course, so I’m a bit concerned how they’re taking their time. I just want to start studying right away, however, considering my condition, it’s probably for the best that I have more time to recover a bit more so I will be strong enough to actually study. Though, I have been working on my attention span (seriously these past few months my self-development has rocketed right up, what with dieting, buying a puppy, having a boyfriend, studying again, and other things), and lately my new project is to swap all TV completely out for books. I miss reading books, and being absorbed in them, I miss using my imagination in a healthy way through the stories. So I decided to subscribe to kindle unlimited and so far I’m loving it. TV has become boring to me anyway and I was rarely watching it anyway. Another thing is that I’ve actually become way more extroverted as well as motivated and focused. I don’t know if that’s just because I’m growing up, the only problem is that because of my condition, I am pretty much housebound at the moment, so it’s hard not being able to do the things I want to. However, I’m nothing if not adaptable. How else did I survive the crazy all these years?
Regarding my condition itself, the symptoms have eased up a bit compared to when I had the implant, but I’m still not totally well. I’ve come off caffeine and sugar(e.g. most carbs, even healthy ones) completely, which seem to trigger my convulsions, however the fatigue is just not letting up. I still can’t do much without collapsing from exhaustion. Right now I’m feeling a bit angry about it as I was just talking about it with my mum, and it’s so limiting, however, I am taking it all in my stride. Maybe Goddess never intended for me to be focused on the outside world, and I’m meant to be focused on studying, gaining information, and learning, as I always have all these years. The depth of my knowledge in certain areas is so profound, I can’t even believe it myself. And I have a feeling it will only become even more so if I stick to applying myself to the sciences. What I realized about myself quite recently after looking back on all my life, is that my brain is somewhat of a wonder. I don’t actually know how I do it but when I get really into a topic, I completely tear it apart and rebuild it, not just understanding the material, but recreating it. In the sciences, that skill will be a HUGE advantage, and I’m surprised I never saw that before. So I want to use my strengths rather than letting them go to waste.
I was about to write something more but I got distracted and lost my track of thought. Honestly it’s so hard writing blog posts these days, as there’s always someone coming in and out of my room, and I keep this blog private… ah, I remember what I was gonna say now now. The thing is, the reason why I hide all this from them, is that they will accuse me of intellectualizing everything again and not being able to have ‘faith’ in Jesus. I don’t want them to know that I basically came to the conclusion(yet for the second time in my life) that Christianity is just not for me, as it is highly irrational to my mind. So if they find out yet again they will chastise me for it. If I was just atheist, I don’t think that’d be a problem. It’s more my interest in Goddess which to be fair is associated with paganism, and paganism is pretty much demonic to Christians (even if for me it’s non-theistic). So yeah, it’s for the reasons I listed about my being able to totally reconstruct things that brought me to the conclusion that Christianity is actually just a jumble of different religions and philosophies. After that I just couldn’t continue to have blind faith in the mixed up words written by different men. The bible lost all meaning to me.
And on that note, if you want to know the first true religion that existed, and I’m not even talking like in 6,000BC or whatever when the Sumerians were probably the first civilization to record history, the first true religion was actually a Mother Goddess-centered religion which goes back around 40,000 years ago. That’s right! Tangible evidence and artifacts from history show that the first humans were female-centric, and society was more matriarchal than patriarchal. It was only when history began to become recorded that society switched from a female-centered world view to a male-centered worldview, which is pretty sad. So I feel like the divine feminine needs to make a comeback. I’m not really saying that just because the first humans in the stone age worshiped Goddess instead of God that that’s the truth. It’s probably not. But just that there is a pretty large imbalance in society in regards to male and female expression and rights. For example I live in England which is a first world country and yet the pay for women is still generally a bit lower than the pay for men. Like why are women looked down on so much? Women kick ass, if it wasn’t for women I doubt we’d even be where we are today.
So that’s me really, at the moment, I’ve switched my focus from the masculine to the feminine. And not in the stereotypical way of “oh nature is female and technology is male”… I don’t believe that, I believe in a balance. I think technology can be just as much female as nature can be just as much male. It just depends on how you choose to view it and how you choose to approach it.
Anyway, I’m not really sure when I became a feminist (lol???), but that is just where I am right now on my path. There are a couple of others things also that I wanted to write about. The first is something I touched on a bit on a much earlier post. I was talking about my OCD and how I have these mental religious compulsions to call upon Jesus, repeating the same phrase up to a couple of hundred times a day to try and make myself feel better when the fear of demons arise(even if I don’t believe they’re real anymore). Well, it doesn’t work. And I know it doesn’t. However, I can’t control these thoughts, as they just pop into my head. And I tried meditation to control it, however, meditation seems to induce seizures in me.
So I did a bit of research and there is a technique called exposure and response prevention, where you purposely trigger yourself, then have to resist all compulsions actively until your panic has reduced to about 50% of original panic level for that session. So you’re supposed to this every day and start with the least triggering thoughts and then gradually work your way up to the most triggering thoughts. The idea behind it is that constant exposure without using the compulsion to push the fear away eventually neutralizes your fear and need to repeat the compulsive thoughts. It’s proven to be very effective and is the main way of treating OCD. So I think I am going to try it. However, I am pretty terrified to do it because for me triggering thoughts would be something like “I accept Jezebel in my heart”, or as lesser trigger “it’s possible I’m possessed by Jezebel”… imagine having to do that when it’s your biggest fear that what you say will come to pass. Honestly, I am totally terrified but I know I need to do it, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to commit myself to resolving these mental compulsions, because there are annoying, and they probably contribute to my fatigue.
The last thing I want to mention is that I have my MRI next week, which I am excited about, so they will finally see whether I have epilepsy or not which is what both my doctor and neurologist think I actually have, alongside the complex post traumatic stress. Emotionally, apart from the compulsions, I’ve actually been fine lately, so I think a lot of the PTSD has passed, and I’m still having no periods of psychological regression – that seems to have completely gone now, which I am incredibly grateful for, because it honestly really pained me to have two alternate identities like that. It was frustrating.
So, that’s that, and I think I’ve finished everything I’ve wanted to say. Still no side effects as well from the IUD – should have got that the first time round, pretty amazing.