I am not sure how long or short this post will be, I am pretty knackered now and have barely done anything today, and should really be conserving what little energy I have left, unless I want to have another episode. I will probably regret writing this, however I just want to get it down before I forget and the content leaves my mind.
Lately with my illness I’ve found myself extremely depressed at times, which is pretty episodic in itself. One minute I’m fine emotionally, then all of a sudden I will have the urge to kill myself or self-harm, something I haven’t desired in years. The feeling is pretty overwhelming and strong, but fortunately during these episodes I am more or less physically paralyzed anyway and don’t have the strength to even raise a razor to my skin to cause any damage. By the time I can move again the depression has passed and I’m fine again. I wonder if the two are related actually.
Regardless, I have been resisting incredibly strongly, trying to hold onto life during these waves. Thinking how many people who love me would be upset, ect. I try to keep focusing on the positives. But I think honestly the depression has started since I realised I don’t really believe in a God. It’s like all meaning has suddenly drained from my life and with my illness I am stuck immobile and useless, feeling like a burden to my family who have to care for me and look after me.
But I am working through it. It’s weird how the belief in God really covers up or hides our own deep existential fears. And whilst during my hospital trip I made peace with the idea of absolute death for a few seconds, I’ve found myself wanting to hold onto the idea of living forever again, wanting to believe in some kind of afterlife and that we don’t just cease to exist once our life is over.
Anyway, earlier I did another “what’s your non-theistic religion” test or something along those lines, and it said I am secular humanist, and then transhumanist. I wondered what transhumanist was, and it was basically a subset of humanism focused on technological advancement and focusing on using technology to further the evolution of humans into these super human-like beings called either transhumans or post-humans, which would resemble angels or gods.
Then when I explored transhumanist religion, I came across the sect called Raëlism, which was very interesting to read about. It basically is an atheistic religion that asserts that the ‘gods’ which visited humanity early on in our evolution or even attributed towards it, or even seeded us directly, were actually advanced aliens, who are sort of mind-mapping our consciousness into their computers, and one day when we are advanced enough we will all be technologically ‘reanimated’ and live forever, or something like that.
It’s pretty interesting because science is pretty magical, and I have no doubt that in the future, by some means or process, the dead could be revived. So it’d be like I’d be sleeping for thousands of years until this technology evolves, and then I’d wake up in a new ‘advanced’ body, created by science, and never die. To be honest, that’s a pretty cool idea. And the idea of aliens anyway makes much more sense than the idea of deities.
And there is so much space in the universe that all these billions of billions of revived dead human beings could just colonize everywhere, creating a galactic super-race, where we don’t need to reproduce or program reproduction via sex out of our genes and reproduce solely in artificial labs or something like that… the possibilities are actually quite endless. Time travel would probably be a thing too and I could visit my past self and guide myself, just like the concept of a ‘higher self’… a lot of ‘spiritual’ things could suddenly be explained by the idea of transhumanism. It is giving me a lot to think about.
So all this actually kinda gives me hope again rather than feeling depressed that life is meaningless. It is probably an emotional prompting to fantasize all this crazy stuff, because I feel I am going all out there again into the world of woowoo. But let’s face it, science is my nature pretty woowoo until you understand it. Think Agora. Gravity is magic. But it’s also just the effect of objects moving in space, lol.
I think that’s all I have to write for now, and I should really rest up, but it really does give food for thought, about the future, how things could be, how the spiritual and the physical can meet in a non-superstitious way, and how immortality is still a possibility, even if it’s not invented in my generation. I am pretty sure the ‘aliens’ I was channeling were not really aliens and more like hallucinations, but I am pretty sure real aliens have to be out there somewhere. And also here is something to ponder: If all the memories of our ancestors are encoded in us at a genetic level, giving us visions of ‘past lives’… if aliens really did interbreed with us, then surely some of those hallucinations about being from other solar systems could have some truth too? Like maybe my great x 100,000 times grandma actually was a Pleiadian who seeded me through the Mayans on my Mexican side, lol. And maybe in the end, the Pleiades is where I will return to…
I am not denying evolution either, by passing the buck to another race who ‘created’ us. Rather just acknowledging that there could be more advanced races out there who have sped up our evolution, so to speak, whereas they before also evolved from random gases in their planetary atmosphere.